It Happened One Night

Disclaimer: not mine, all joss and ME etc.


Rating: NC-17


Pairing: Spuffy


Spoilers: None, it's completely AU, all human


Feedback: I'll love you forever! neverneverfic@yahoo.com


Distribution: here, AFF, anye ele else just ask.


AN: The songs referenced in this chapter are "Not a Day Goes By" from Merrily We Roll Along (for all you Merrily fans i'm thinking of the version where Beth sings it, not the version where Frank sings it), "I Still Believe" from Miss Saigon, and "I Dreamed a Dream" and "On My Own" both from Les Miserables. All four are songs that deal with love lost, or unreturned and the pain therein. I do not own the songs or the shows and i use them without permission.

Chapter 5

Tara arrived at the Bronze a few minutes after Buffy and Willow fled from the confrontation with Spike. She found the two standing outside, Willow’s arms around a sobbing Buffy.

“W-willow? B-buffy? Is everything okay?”

Willow caught Tara’s eye over Buffy’s head and shook her head no. “Tara can you do me a favor?”

“O-of c-course. What do you need?”

“Can you tell Oz I took Buffy home, and I’ll be spending the night at her house.”

“What should I say when he asks w-why?”

“He’ll understand.”

“S-sure.” Tara nodded and then stood watching as Willow guided Buffy to a car that Tara assumed belonged to the redhead. She stayed outside until they pulled away. Then she turned and walked into the Bronze wondering what she was going to find there.

First she sought out Oz and delivered Willow’s message which he accepted without the slightest change in expression. Then she scanned the club and located her friends. Wes and Graham were by a table in the back. They were standing close, looking serious, and whispering back and forth. As she got closer she noticed Spike sitting at the table next to the pair with his head down. A few feet away Doyle was talking animatedly into a cell phone.

“Yes princess he really said that...no he’s not drunk...yeah he’s an idiot...look I’m just callin’ so you can go see to the girl...she’ll want her friends around her...I think she probably went to her house...”

Tara got Doyle’s attention, “Buffy you mean?”

He nodded.

“Willow took her home.” Tara looked at Wes, Graham and Spike, “What happened?”

“Princess?” Doyle continued his phone conversation, “Tara said Willow took her home...I don’t know how she knows...I don’t know why Spike did it! Jesus, just go see her!...no! You can’t talk to him right now...cause I don’t think he needs you to rip him a new one...goodbye Cordy. Goodbye!”

He sat down at the table across from Spike, “Christ, I think you should avoid your parents house for awhile, that girl’s out for bl”
”

Spike looked up sadly, “She did say she’d kill me if I hurt Buffy. God I hurt Buffy didn’t I.” His friends looked away and he let his head drop to the table again.

“Um guys? I think I missed something important here...what happened to Buffy? Why is Cordy going to kill Spike?”

“Well...you see...” Wes began.

“Our jackass friend went psycho on Buffy, dragged her away from a dance...”

“Make out session!” Spike growled.

Doyle shot him ak ank and Wes took over again.

“Spike pulled Buffy away from a fairly innocent, not to mention unpleasant looking kiss,” Wes turned to Graham, “please never do that thing he was doing with his mouth, it looked terribly disgusting and remarkably fishlike...”

Spike growled again.

“Anyway,” Wes continued, “he pulled her into a corner, kissed her and called her his.”

“Spike,” Tara said, “You can’t call her yours! You’re the one who doesn’t want to date her!”

“That’s not the worst part,” Graham said.

Tara’s eyes grew wide as the Doyle Wes and Graham described the confrontation.

“Oh Spike. How could you?”

His only answer was a groan, as he dropped his head to the table once more.

Willow and Buffy heard the phone ringing from inside Buffy’s house as they opened her front door.

“I’ll get it,” said Willow. Buffy just nodded and headed up to her room.

“Hello, Summers residence...oh hey Cordy... it was that awful...he’s a poophead...only if you promise not to say I told you so...seriously Cordy!...no don’t gloat even a little!...and bring some really good ice cream, and some chocolate...see you in a few.”

Willow went to the Summers freezer and was disgusted to find only the lowfat sorbet Buffy’s mother liked. She settled for making some cocoa and ventured up the stairs to Buffy’s room. She could hear strains of music as she approached.

I keep thinking, "When does it end?


Where's the day I'll have started forgetting?"


But I just go on


Thinking and sweating


And cursing and crying


And turning and ring ing


And waking and dying


And no,


Not a day goes by, Not a blessed day


But you're still somehow part of my life


And you won't go away.

The doorbell rang as she reached the top of the stairs. She turned and went to answer it.

“Cordy. Good get in here and bring the ice cream, she’s listening to Merrily.”

“‘Not a Day Goes By?’”

“Yeah.”

“Crap. Why did her mom send her to theater camp for so many summers? Now the girl can pick a depressing song from any musical. Ten bucks says ‘I Still Believe’ is next.”

“No I think it’s gotta be ‘On My Own’ or maybe ‘I Dreamed a Dream’.” Willow sighed. “We may as well go interrupt the pity party before it gets more intense.”

As they walked towards her room they could hear the new song she’d put on.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by


When hope was high


And life worth living


I dreamed that love would never die


I dreamed that God would be forgiving



And dreams were made and used


And wasted

Willow smiled slightly, “See I was right, innocence given to a man who rips it away.”

“Great. Gotta love my stepbrother..”

The two girls sighed and opened the door to comfort their friend.

Spike started drinking when he got home from the Bronze that night and he would have kept drinking well into the next century if he’d been given the choice. Wes, Doyle, Tara andham ham stayed with Spike all night. They provided trash cans for him to vomit in, they cut him off from more booze when he began to lose most of his motor function, they listened to him rail against cheating whoring women and then listened to him sob about how he’d ruined his chances with the perfect woman. They kept him company until he finally passed out at 5AM. They moved out into the hall outside his dorm room and sat down in circle.

“I haven’t seen him this upset since...”

“Drucilla.” Wesley finished for Tara.

Graham (who’d only been dating Wesley for a month) asked who was was.

“Girl who ripped his damn heart out.” Doyle said.

“It was bad, she cheated, she lied, afterwards he was a little...broken.” Tara looked at her hands. “How much more broken do you think he’ll be if he doesn’t make it right with Buffy?”

No one had an answer.

The next morning after girlie movies, ice cream, crying, and considerable Spike bashing Buffy was feeling a little better. It still stung to have him call her a whore. It hurt that he’d said that she must have slept around before him. As much as her post-sexual revolution upbringing rebelled against the notion, part of her felt like her virginity was a precious gift that she had squandered on a man who didn’t deserve it. And as much as she tried to be a mature, sexually liberated, in control, feminist, part of her felt like a huge slut. And as much as she recognized the basic principle that calling someone a slut or a whore because they got found pleasure in their body and other’s bodies was counterproductive she still felt a little bit like she was dirty.

Saturday around four the girls began an emergency girl’s night at Cordy’s. As much as Buffy didn’t want to go to a place where Spike lived when he wasn’t at home, the Chase’s were the most lenient parents and the only ones who would agree to letting everyone come over. Willow and Cordy filled Anya in on what happened and she immediately snapped into vengeance mode.

“Perhaps we can somehow infect him with a horrible disease that will cause his penis to rot off. Do they have strains of leprosy that specifically attack the genitals? I guess any leprosy would be ok, though it would be better if we could assure the loss of his penis. Or we can tell everyone that he dresses in women’s underwear! Or we could put out a hit on him. My uncle is a hitman. Though I think that would be too easy...death is quick. We need slow and painful. Ohhh I know! We could get one of his ex-lovers to call him up and tell him she’s pregnant and it’s his! We could tell him you’re pregnant and it’s his! OR! We could coat everything he owns in itching powder and replace his shampoo with nair and his soap with some sort of skin dying agent!”

Buffy giggled in spite of herself. There was nothing quite like watching Anya when she started to brainstorm about appropriate punishments for people who wronged her friends. It was hilarious, but also vaguely terrifying. Mental note: never get on Anya’s bad side.

Spike woke up at three o’clock Saturday afternoon and was more than a little surprised to find Tara sitting at his desk quietly working. He began to sit up and as his stomach lurched and his head throbbed he realized just how bad an idea that was. Hearing his groan Tara turned and saw him clutching his head.

“Here.” She handed him some aspirin and some water.

“Thanks pet. What’re you doing here?”

“We didn’t want to leave you alone.”

“We?”

“Doyle, Wes, Graham, me.”

“Why“Why didn’t you want to leave me?”

“You were pretty upset last night.”

Spike took a moment and searched his hazy drunken memory of the night before. His eyes widened. “Oh God! Buffy! Why did I say that to her? How much had I had to drink?”

Tara looked down, “Spike I wasn’t there, but I’m pretty sure you were sober, at that point in the evening at least.”

“Why did I say that then? Why would I do that?”

“Honestly, none of us can quite figure that out. Wes thinks you are afraid of commitment and have selected all your romantic partners because they won’t want commitment. He thinks this fear was confirmed and exacerbated by Drucilla. You no longer believe you have a chance at, or deserve a good relationship thus you tried to sabotage what could have potentially been a healthy happy relationship.”

“Bloody psych major.”

Tara smiled softly, “Doyle thinks you, and I quote “went off your bloody rocker” when you saw Buffy kissing Scott. He thinks you should go see her and plead temporary insanity.”

Spike smiled at that.

“Graham...well... I think Graham is trying to figure out if Wesley’s tight little ass is worth the trouble of his crazy friends.”

Spike gaped, “Glinda! Did you kiss your mother with that mouth!”

Tara shot him a warning glare.

“Right, sorry, no mom talk. What’s your theory on my lapse in brain function?”

“I kind of agree with both of them. Ink ynk you are damn scared of what you could have with Buffy, but at the same time you feel incredibly possessive of her because you do feel something. So when you saw her kissing Scott you went crazy. And when she got angry at the way you acted, you lashed out, possibly in an attempt to drive her away so your conflict would go away.”

Spike nodded and sighed, “Well I guess I got my bloody wish didn’t I?”

“I don’t think it’s too late Spike thi think you should call her. Or better yet go talk to her. She’s at your house tonight.”

“She’s where?”

“Your house. They’re having a girls night starting in about an hour.”

“Damnit. Anya’ll probably be plotting ways to make my balls fall off while the others egg her on.”

Tara giggled.

“Oi! I’m quite attached to my man-bits. Wait...how did you know where they were pet?”

Tara blushed, “I-I k-kind of called Willow.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Did you now?”

“I was worried about Buffy!”

“And you had no ulterior motives...no designs on a certain perky redhead.”

“N-no... no. no designs.”

“There are worse people to have a crush on Tara, Red’s a good soul.”

“A straight soul.”

“Maybe. But she’s young yet, maybe she just hasn’t met the right girl.” Spike winked and stood up. “Time to go home for a bit.”

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“Shower first.”

“Right.”

Spike had never knocked on the door to his own house before, but he felt like it was only fitting tonight. It was six. He’d showered, agonized over what to wear, and what to say, and after deciding to fuck it and just go he’d stopped on the way to get flowers. He heard someone walk up to the door and then he heard heated whispers and a flurry of motion. Fuck, who’re they going to send to the door and what’re they gonna do to me.

After what felt like an eternity Cordelia swung the door open scowling and holding a large butcher knife. Spike almost laughed at the ridiculousness of his stepsister menacing him with a blade, but he knew that even if she wouldn’t cut him she might kick him and in deference to his future childbearing abilities he held the laugh in.

“Can I come in?”

“No.” She started to swing the door shut but he blocked it with his foot.

“Please Cordy. I need to talk to Buffy.”

Willow appeared behind Cordelia, “I think you did enough talking last night mister.”

The door opened wider to reveal a very angry looking Anya, “Yes we don’t appreciate you saying nasty things about our friends.”

“If you would just give me a chance to explain...to apologize.”

“We aren’t the ones you should apologize to.”

“Yes, but if you won’t bloody let me see her how am I supposed to apologize.”

Cordelia stood firm, “You should go Spike.”

“Please, I really need to talk to her.”

“Guys,” a quiet voice came from behind the girls in the doorway, “I’ll talk to him.”

Her friends parted to let her through, but before she walked onto the porch she turned and looked at Anya, “remember your last idea?”

Anya’s eyes lit up and she nodded.

“Maybe you should start planning out the execution of that...just in case this goes badly.”

Anya clapped her hands, “yes absolutely. Girls follow me, we have work to do.”

Buffy walked out the door and took a seat on the steps outside the Chase house. Spike stood awkwardly before finally taking a seat on the steps as well, but as far from her as he could. He looked at her for a moment. “Gonna let Anya castrate me then pet?”

“Maybe. Depends what you have to say for yourself.”

He looked down. “Well let me start with I’m sorry. Cause I am. So sorry. These are for you.” He held out the bouquet of tulips and daffodils that now seemed so woefully inadequate. She inhaled the scent of the flowers then placed them next to her on the porch. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Buffy...” he started.

“Spike...” she said at the same moment.

He smiled sadly, “You go.”

She nodded. “Spike...if you think sorry is enough you’re wrong. I don’t know why you said what you said, I don’t even know if you know why, but you better try damn hard to explain it to me. Sorry is not enough. I need to understand. And...” she looked down, “even that may not be enough.”

He grimaced. “Right, ok. Let me say one more time, even if it doesn’t help, I am sorry Buffy. For all of it. For pulling you off him, for trying to claim you, and then for those awful things I said. Please know I didn’t mean them.” his heart broke as he saw her eyes fill. “Buffy I’m a bad stupid man.”

She sniffled and then smiled a little, “You’re not wrong.”

He nodded. “I don’t know why I said those things. But I talked to Tara and she helped me see a little bit of why I might have.”

“Okay.”

“I’m afraid of a lot of things pet, have been pretty much since my mum left me and ‘da. It broke him yanno? I newantwanted to let anyone have the chance to do that to me.”

“So you started dating only girls who were easy and didn’t want your heart just your cock.”

“Pretty much yeah. Then Dru fucked it all up. I fell for her. Hard, fast, completely. She made me believe loouldould last, that it could exist, and that I was worth it. Then I found out she’d been cheating...” he choked on the last word, and she turned and saw tears collecting in his eyes. “Something cracked inside Buffy. I decided women couldn’t be trusted. Straight ones at least, Tara’s a whole different thing, she’s got no reason to hurt me.”

“So anyone who could love you was dismissed because they could hurt you.”

“Yeah. And it was working ok. I was bitter, angry, depressed, but I shagged lots of girls and was a real shit to them and it made me feel a little bit better.”

“Better to give than to receive the hurt huh?”

He chuckled, “yeah. I guess.”

“So why sleep with me Spike, why pretend to care? If women are evil.”

“God Buffy is that what you think? That I was pretending?”

She nodded eyes fixed on a crack in the steps.

“Buffy, you, what we did, God...” he put his face in his hands, “Pet it was like a religious experience. Being with you, inside you, I’ve never felt more at peace, more at home. And it scared the shit out of me! That’s why I couldn’t date you. Cause I could have fallen for you, and you could have hurt me.”

Buffy let out a little half sob half laugh, “You are so fucked up Spike.”

He groaned, “Don’t I know it.”

“So this all explains why you didn’t want to be with me, and it’s a very enlightening look at the madness of Spike, but what does it have to do with last night?”

“Getting there pet, getting there. So we’ve established that you scare me, that we scare me, and that I feel things for you, strong things.”

She nodded.

“And as fucked up as it is, as wrong as it is, I feel possessive of you, like you’re mine. And I know you aren’t,” he said quickly sensing her protest, “but it’s how I feel. And I saw you kissing Scott and I lost it. I had to...to claim you, to mark you as mine. And that was the best way I knew how.”

“And the rest?”

“When you came at me, all fire and fury, it flikelike wer were rejecting me, and it hurt so bad Buffy. And I lashed out. Wes thinks I was trying to sabotage what we might have because I’m afraid of healthy relationships. Maybe he’s right. I am scared. But now I’m more scared that I’ve hurt you, that I’ve lost you. That you’ll never forgive me.” Spike turned away, unable to face her rejection.

They sat in silence for an achingly long time.

“You haven’t lost me Spike,” Buffy whispered and Spike whipped his head around to look at her, “Because I was never yours to lose.” He sagged.

“Spike I was never yours.” she said again. “The only person I have ever belonged to, the only person I will ever belong to, is me. If there is ever going to be anything between us, even friendship, you need to understand that. Whatever I give to you, whatever we share, I do it because I want to, not because you own me. It’s not about possession or obligation. It’s about sharing willingly, lovingly.” She reached out and trailed her fingers along his cheekbones. She adjusted her position so she faced him.

“Spike look at me.” He turned. “I don’t forgive you.” His face fell. “Yet. I don’t forgive you yet. But I will, probably, unless you do something like this agaiHe sHe shook his head so vehemently that she laughed.

He reached out and touched her hand, “so are we...can we...”

She withdrew her hand and shook her head sadly. “We can work on trying to repair our friendship but we can’t be anything more not for a long time, maybe not ever. You knew how much it killed me when Cordy called me a whore, and you convinced me I wasn’t. Then you threw it back in my face, and you suggested that the only on Ion I’d made you use a condom was because I was diseased. You yelled out to an entire club full of people that I was a w. Yo. You made what we did, what we shared seem dirty and wrong. And you announced to a room full of people that I was dirty and wrong. Do you know how that felt Spike?”

“PI’m I’m so...”

“Sorry, I know.” She laughed, “You know if someone told me a week ago I’d be turning you down I’d have laughed in their face. I’ve wanted you for so long. I’ve even thought I loved you. But...I think I loved a fantasy you. The you that you showed when you came home to visit, when you flirted, and when we slept together. How can I have loved you without knowing any of what you’ve told me today? And how can I love you now, when I can’t trust you?”

“So...there’s no chance for us?”

She sighed and turned to face the street again. “I don’t know Spike, I just don’t know. I think I can forgive, I think I can trust you again, but I’m not sure. And I am sure that I don’t know you as well as I thought and I need to before anything happens. And I think this might all be doomed because we don’t have the kind of time that all this will take.”

His head snapped to face her, “Why don’t we have time?”

“I’m leaving for LA as soon as school gets out. Parental visitation. My jackass father still has rights. And afterwards, next fall, ...I’m going to Carnegie Mellon.”

“Since when?”

“Since today actually.”

“Why?”

“It’s a better school than Sunnydale or UCLA. And Willow’s leaving for Brown, and Cordy’s going to LA to pursue acting, Xander and Anya are going on some cross country adventure. And, well, there’s just nothing here for me.”

“But I’m... I explained... I apologized.”

“I know Spike, but I still need to go. I need to live a little, away from this town, away from my family, away from all of this. And it’s such a good opportunity. I’m sorry.”

“Can we stay in touch?”

“Of course. That’s what friends do isn’t it?” She gave him a small, sad smile and stood up, kissed his forehead and made her way into the house.