VIII

Chapter 5. Snakes in the basket. Listen to the flute play.

He left. She watched. He left and she watched. His bags were packed. His coat fluttered onto his shoulders. He left and she watched.

He left and she watched. Bags in hand, coat in place, the door shut with a resounding bang.

He left.

She watched.

But it wasn’t Angel she saw.

She was abruptly transported to a time and place one year before.

“I know what it means.” Spike chose his words carefully before he started again. “Angel is right. You were grieving and it is normal to reach out for someone after loss. I just hope that what I did doesn’t affect your marriage.” Spike said as he left his seat and made his way to the bathroom, leaving the married couple behind.


“So Buff. Wanna tell me what it means?” Angels voice was cool. She was surprised by the monotone inflectionless tone.

She knew it was time to be honest.

“I love him.” It was an important statement. “I love him.” Simp

“And me?” The coolness was gone. In its place, was hope. Buffy wasn’t sure if she wanted him to have hope. She didn’t even know if she had hope.

“I-“

“Connor said he would bring Chinese. I didn’t think I could handle any more pizza after last night. He should be over this afternoon.” If Dawn noticed any tension she ignored it. Wasn’t it suppost to be hard to go through a lost mothers possessions after all?

“Where did Spike go?”

“Upstairs. I think he wanted a shower. Maybe you should grab one in your mom’s bathroom. It will make you feel better.” She looked once at both her sister and Angel. A long and careful look.

“Yeah. I hope so.”

And Buffy and Angel were once more alone.

Neither spoke for the longest time. Then both at once.

“Angel I-“

“Buffy maybe-“

“You first.””You first.”

It would have been funny.

But it wasn’t

Angel sighed. “Let’s just not discuss this today. We can wait till we get home. Presuming you are coming home.”

Buffy looked away. “Yes.”

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It took two days to go through and pack. Buffy and Dawn stayed close to each other while they sorted clothes, books, knickknacks, and dishes. Spike wasn’t far away. Always on hand with a witty comment or a tissue when needed.


Angel also stayed close. He never protested Spikes presence. He never said anything about what he saw. Even when he and Buffy were alone at home. He sank into the bed they shared and pulled her into his arms as though nothing had ever come between them.

Until the second night was over.

“He leaves tomorrow.”

“Are you going with him?” He hated having to ask. His eyes were dark with anger.

“Do you want me to?”

“Do you want to?”

That pissed her off. “Don’t do this Angel. Don’t act like this is all me here. Cause there is two of us in this marriage.”

“Really Buff? Were you thinking of our future? Were you thinking of our children? Our family? Were you thinking of our marriage when you fucked that shit on your dead mothers table”

Before she even knew what she was doing Buffy smacked Angel with a closed fist. Right across the face. The sound vibrated into silence as Angel and Buffy faced off. Their chests rising and falling with hurt and anger. Neither knowing what to do. Neither knowing how to fix the problem. Neither understanding what went wrong.

“I would ask if you love me. But I don’t know if either answer you could give would make me happy. If you say no, then you break my heart because I love you so much. If you say yes, my heart is still broken. Because no matter what I don’t know if I will ever be able to get that image out of my mind.” Angel pulled her into his arms. “Oh God, Buffy. I just don’t know what you want from me.” His lips found their way to the top of her head. “I just don’t know what I am suppost to do.” As he released her, Buffy saw the tears streaming down his face. She wished she could do something, say something to make all this better. No words left her mouth.

“Do you want me?” He asked. Not long. This wasn’t about love anymore. Angel was too afraid of asking about love. He wasn’t even sure it mattered anymore.

At her nod he continued. “Do you want to… to.. god this is so hard. Do you want to try and fix it? This? Do you want to try and repair the damage?” She flinched but he refused to retract his words. “It isn’t just from this. I don’t know if I have been the husband you need. I think if I had been then you wouldn’t have ever cheated on me. What happened was just as much my fault as yours.” His heart broke a little more when she didn’t protest. “But there is something you need to do first. You need to go to him. And tell him that you made a mistake and that we are going to work on our problems.” Buffy walked over to the window and pulled the curtain aside. “You have to tell him that whatever was between the too of you is over.”

“Ok.” It was softly spoken, but Angel heard her.

“I mean it Buffy. If we are going to try to out back together our marriage, than he needs to understand that.”

“Ok.”


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“I can’t believe you went through all this alone. Buffy why didn’t you tell me?”

“God Dawn. I don’t know. I just thought… I don’t know. It was such a hard time on both of us. Mom had just…” One year later Buffy still felt the loss of her mother. “And Angel was working so hard on the gallery. I was just so…. lost. I didn’t know how to tell anyone what was going on. Later I just thought that Angel and I would just get counseling and we would be fine.”

“Did you?”

“Go to therapy? Yeah, for a while. But Angel isn’t the type to just open up like that.” Buffy bit her lips as she fought tears. “Who the hell am I trying to fool. Angel was the one who fought for seeing someone. I was the one who couldn’t open up. I kept so much inside. Away from him.”

“What happened with Spike?” Dawn asked.

Buffy tried to steady the phone in her hand.

“I told him that Angel and I had some problems, but we were going to work them out. And then I left.” It was a lie. A lie, but Buffy wasn’t about to tell the whole truth.

“So just like that. You have some problems. Issues to work out and as soon as that is finished, all will be right in the world?” His back was turned to her. As though he couldn’t bear to see her face. He wanted to. He wanted to turn around grab her up, and show her all the reasons her plan would never work.

He didn’t move.

“Spike please.” She was crying again. Crying more tears than she ever thought was possible. So many tears cried for the life she knew he could offer. If only…. If only…. She hadn’t made the choices she had. But Buffy knew she couldn’t change the past. She was married to Angel. And she would do everything she could to make her marriage work. She owed Angel that. “Don’t make this any harder than-“

“Spare me love. Spare me all the crap. You need to make your marriage work, but you know what.” He turned then. He stared her down, his blue eyes burning. “I have needs too. I need to not be treated like a whore.”

She tried to interrupt but he waved his hand to silence her.

“Don’t deny it. You. YOU BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS. You treated me like a whore. You fucked me and left me. All I am to you is a hard dick.”

“No!”

“YES!” His moves were stealthy, a panther moving in for the kill. “You did it then, and you did it again. And you'll do it a. Th. That’s all I was to you.FUCK! That is all I am to you!” He was close to her now. Nothing separated them. He could reach out and grab her and make her his.

Buffy shook with want. She was suddenly wet and needy. As though he knew this, Spike leaned forward.

His lips were so close, but neither moved. Just stood. So close. So far away.

“Maybe that is good enough for you. ‘ol William was a pounce. I know that. He was a slave to you. Anything you wanted he would have presented. Any dragon to slay, he would have held a sword to. But you know what?” One hand snatched her arm. Another followed. Quickly Spike chased away the distance between them. His lips attacked hers. Mouths and teeth and tongue struggled to connect them.

The he was gone. Buffy opened her eyes, when had they closed?

“Maybe Willam is your whore. But I am not him anymore. And Spike will not be waiting to slay your dragons. Or scratch your itch. Any of them. I admit. A little of the pounce William has stayed around. Waiting for your command.” He was close to the stairs now, but she could hear him clearly. “But all that is gone now. William is gone. Your William is long gone. And all that is left now is Spike. And he’s not waiting for you.” He was up the stairs. Buffy could hear him moving around in her old room.

Within moments he came down in a flash. “I mean it. I am not waiting anymore. Not for you.”

And then he was gone.

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“Spike must have known ‘cause his bags were already packed.” On the other side of the phone she could hear her little sister crying.

“Oh, god. He never told me.” It was a soft whisper, but Buffy could hear the grief. “But Buffy what happened with Angel. I mean, he isn’t the type of man to just give up.”


Buffy sighed and asked herself why she had even started this at all. She should have just waited to tell Dawn till the papers announced their divorce. “Things did get better for a while. It was like it was when we first started dating. I thought everything would be fine.”

“But it wasn’t?”

“He wanted to have a child.”


“ I just don’t understand it Buffy. We have been together for close to six years now. Do you just not want to have children?” It was an argument they had been having for months. Angel wanted to start a family. And Buffy didn’t.

o buo but…” She wanted to say she wasn’t ready. She knew that would be a lie. They had promised not to lie to each other. So she didn’t.


”You act like you want kids. You always get all excited to see a baby.”

“Angel please.” She pleaded. And she hated pleading.

“Is it just me? Do you not want to have my kid!” He was yelling again. She was so tired of him yelling.

“It’s no-“

“But I bet you would have Spikes brat.” He spat.

“DON’T YOU DARE BRING HIM INTO THIS AGAIN! I am so sick of this. You don’t say his name for months then all the sudden its ‘you won’t do this for me but you would for him wouldn’t you.’ You know what Angel. I won’t have a child right now, because I don’t even see us being married in a year. How the hell do you expect me to bring a life into all this fighting? How the hell could I bring an innocent child into this?” She waved her arms wide. “All this yelling and mistrust. And this hurt and anger. I won’t do it.” She paused, trying to find the courage to say what needed to be said.

“Is that how you really feel Buff? You don’t see us together in a year?” She searched his eyes. Those soulful brown eyes always showed everything he felt. And she was taken back by what she saw. Or what she lacked to see.

Hurt.

Angel wasn’t hurt by the idea of them separating themselves from each other.

“I don’t think this is working for either of us. I think you should leave.”

He didn’t say anything as he calmly walked to their bedroom.


He left and she watched. Bags in hand, coat in place, the door shut with a resounding bang.

Buffy watched him leave. When the door was securely shut, she sank into the nearest chair.

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“Wow. I never knew things had gotten like that.”

“We didn’t…” Buffy stopped. “I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“But why?”

“I just, oh god Dawnie. I guess I didn’t want to admit I made such a big mistake.”

“By marrying Angel?”

“By leaving Spike.”