The Scarlet Letter

Xander remembered.

He wanted to run away, close the black curtain behind him and keep everything hidden in the dark forever, but it was too late.

The shock of Angel's lips pressed against his own had triggered an explosion of repressed memories, bombarding Xander with their intensity. In an instant, he was forced to relive every degrading, excruciating moment of his nightmare with Angelus and Drusilla. Trapped again by those same injurious hands, he couldn't block out his memories of the agonizing torture, and his shame at being defiled by the man he hated more than anyone.

/He...he didn't just bite me. Oh my God, Angel raped me! He raped me, and turned me into some kind of freak!/

Shock gave way to outrage as Xander screamed into Angel's mouth and tried to bite him, wanting to strike out and hurt him any way he could. The vampire denied him even this small act of rebellion by suddenly withdrawing from the kiss, slicing his fang through Xander's bottom lip.

Angelus grinned and licked his lips, savoring the boy's anguish as much as his blood. "Covered in blood is a good look for you, Xander. Get used to it."

The coppery smell from the blood trickling down his chin and neck repulsed Xander, and he fought the urge to vomit. It tingled where it touched his skin, and tasted wrong, not like blood anymore. It was too potent, with a kick like a double shot of whiskey. He could still feel the cool burn sliding down his throat, a trace of the fire in his veins Angelus had extinguished just moments ago.

/Not human...I'm not human anymore.../

Angel's obscene touch and this strange, mutated blood had tainted him more indelibly than the tattoo. Xander felt corrupted, forever unclean and trapped in a body he no longer owned.

"Why didn't you just kill me?" Xander spat out the words, half-hoping, half-dreading that the vampire would snap his neck and send him falling back into darkness again. At least if he were dead, he wouldn't have to remember his debasement. He wouldn't have to live with the bruises and stains that would never fully fade away. And he wouldn't have to share the knowledge of what had happened to him with anyone.

Angelus rolled his eyes impatiently. "Haven't you been listening to me? I told you, you're my pomme de sang. Have Rupert look it up for you. It means that from now on, you and I are going to be really close friends." He bared his fangs, ready to strike at Xander again.

"Oh, puh-leaze."

Both men were forced to the ground as a tiny blonde comet collided with Angel's back. "You have the suckiest timing, Angel. You couldn't try to make friends with Xander BEFORE we broke up?"

Angel roared, and rolled to the side, avoiding another kick. He jumped to his feet, smiling and eager to fight. "What can I say? He and I spent some quality time together, and we bonded." He punched the Slayer in the stomach, and she flew into the last, st, gasping for breath. He tried to hit her again, but she used the post as leverage to flip around and kick Angel in the face.

"Bonded?" Indignation flared up in Xander, giving him a much-needed burst of energy while he tried to crawl away from the fracas. "Kill him, Buffy!"

"That's the plan." Buffy drew her stake, ready to lunge at the vampire, but he grabbed Xander and hurled him straight at her. Buffy and Xander slammed against the van, smashingindoindow in the process. They both collapsed onto the asphalt in a tumble of limbs and broken bits of glass.

"Dinner was delicious, but I really don't have time to stay for dessert. Don't worry, I'll see both of you again very soon." Angel waved and fled into the darkness before Buffy could untangle herself from her friend and pursue.

"Come back here! My plan isn't finished yet!" yelled Buffy. "Ooh. I hate it when he does that thing where he's gone." She groaned and pulled herself to her hands and knees, leaning over Xander to check him for injuries. "Can you move? Are you okay?"

/No, I won't ever be okay again. But I know how to pretend./

"Have I told you lately how much I hate dodge ball? Especially when I'm the ball." Xander winced and cradled his broken wrist to his chest. She tried to rub the blood from his face, but he nudged her hand away as if she might burn herself. "Don't!" He hurriedly wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

"It's okay. Let me help you." She untied the black scarf holding her hair back in a ponytail, and handed it to him to use as a band He Her blonde hair spilled over her shoulders, and Xander felt the twinge that reminded him that no matter how many times he'd fall in love in his life, she would always be the first to take a piece of his heart. He pressed the scarf to his neck to slow the bleeding.

Not long ago, he would have cherished her tenderness,ng tng this close to her. But now, he couldn't look at Buffy without being reminded of him. Angel. Her lover. Her first. Their first. It sickened Xander that they were both bound to Angel each in their own inextricable way.

/Did she see him kiss me? Does she know? Pathetic, useless Xander couldn't defend himself. Xander the Sissy Man. Xander the Perpetual Victim. Xander the Dirty, Used Whore./

She gingerly wiped the bits of damp grass and broken glass from his clothes. "Did he hit you? His back was turned, I couldn't see..." Buffy stopped cold when she caught sight of his exposed chest, her eyes huge with shock. "Oh my God."

The tattoo. He'd almost forgotten. Xander covered himself with his ripped shirt, but it no longer mattered. She'd obviously seen it.

"Why didn't you tell me he did this to you?" she asked quietly, her voice tinged with sadness. Her eyes shined in the moonlight, and Xander wondered if the tears were really for him, or because she was faced with more proof that the kinder, gentler vampire she had loved was really gone.

He couldn't answer her. Talking about what happened last night was the last thing he ever wanted to do, especially with Buffy. Groaning from the effort, he pulled himself off the ground, putting his good hand on the side of the van to keep himself steady. The blood loss made him nauseated and woozy, and his wrist was screaming for attention. "I think you're going to have to take me to the emergency room again. Darn, I was really looking forward to playing Twister for a change, too."

"Is dodge ball the theme for tonight?" Buffy sounded both accusatory and hurt as she pressed Xander about his omission. He knew nothing upset here tre than Angel's stalk-o-grams, which were increasingly directed towards her friends. "What's going on between you two, Xander? Why does he keep coming after you? Why didn't you let us know about that mark?"

Xander snapped. "What do you want from me? A play-by-play of how your honey tortured me? No. Angel hurt me in ways you don't ever need to know about!" He immediately regretted his words, which came dangerously close to full disclosure. He held up his hand, beseeching her to keep her distance when she tried to touch his arm.

"I thought you said you couldn't remember..."

"Buffy, please, can we pause the melodrama?" he asked tiredly. "I'm sorry. I just got bit by a vampire, which tends to make me a little irritable. And using the word "tends" as if this was becoming a commonplace occurrence makes me even more cranky."

"Is he still here? The rest of you, bac back!" Giles stepped outside the school, a crossbow in his arms. He scanned the area cautiously, keeping an eye out for vampires. "Buffy, Xander, are you safe?"

"We're fine." He walked towards where Giles was standing, and Buffy moved to catch up to him as he bent down to pick up his wooden cross.

/Why do I bother? Dead Boy proved tonight that nothing could protect me from him now. He can hurt me any time he wants now that he engraved his goddamned monogram on my chest./

"Don't do this, Xand. Don't shut me out. How can I protect all of us if I don't know what he's up to?" She jerked her thumb at Giles. "Does he know about the big A? Is that what Giles talked with you about today?"

"Er...well," Giles stammered. He looked at Xander as if asking permission to speak while they walked to the entrance together.

Mascara tinted tears streamed down her cheeks when she saw the guilty looks on both of their faces. "Giles, what aren't you telling me? Damn it, what did Angel do to him?"

"Stop it! I...I asked him not to say anything," admitted Xander, tugging at his shirt self-consciously, uncomfortable in the spotlight as Willow, Oz and Cordelia met them in the lobby.

Cordelia rushed over to Xander and threw herself around him. "You...you! When are you going to stop being a monster magnet, huh?"

He tensed, his first instinct to resist and not let anyone get close to him. Don't touch him. Don't hurt him.

/Damn you! It's just Cordelia! Don't let him ruin everything for you!/

He pushed his anxiety down, and hugged her back tightly, wanting to hide himself in her arms. He pressed his face into her soft hair where he could get lost in her scent. Xander sobbed, locking the sound deep in his throat so she wouldn't hear, and willed himself not to cry. He won't ever cry in front of her.

/Help me forget, Cordy...please, just hold me for the rest of my life so I never have to think about him touching me./

"I know I told you that danger was sexy, but you don't have to prove it to me every night, okay?" He laughed, loving the way she could always tease him. He felt the worry in her hands as she stroked his back, touching him to make sure he was really safe. "I've heard quiet nights sitting in front of the TV can be just as sexy, so maybe we should skip the danger and try that tomorrow. I'll even let you pick the video this time."

"It's a date. No horror movies, I promise." Xander smoothed her hair and reluctantly pulled himself from her embrace as he felt everyone's eyes probing him. He wasn't looking forward to their questions.

Cordelia wrinkled her nose at Buffy. "What's up with the Alice Cooper eye make-up? Two words for you: waterproof mascara. Considering all the drama in your life, that would be a wise investment." Buffy just blinked at her, accustomed to Cordelia's lack of tact.

"Angel...is he, um, gone as in left-the-premises-gone, or...or gone as in crumbled away-in-a-cloud-of-dust-gone?" asked Willow when she noticed Buffy's tears.

"He's not dead, Will. He ran off before I could...you know." She wiped the dark stains from her cheeks, glancing at Xander. Killing Angelus was a sticky subject for the Scooby Gang. He may be a deadly enemy now, but no one could ignore how much Buffy still loved him. She couldn't bring herself to stake him when the opportunity arose, and he'd murdered Jenny Calendar soon after. Buffy hadn't been able to stop him from terrorizing her friends ever since, and they could see how it weighed on her conscience.

"Yeah, it was kind of a bit and run," shrugged Xander, favoring his injured wrist. "One minor casualty, and a smashed window. Oz, I hope you have good insurance, 'cause Dead Boy didn't even leave a note."

Oz had always been inscrutable. You never quite knew what he was thinking or what he was going to say. But tonight Xander had no problem reading his thoughts.

Oz was there when Angel said Xander wasn't human anymore. Oz sensed it himself, and even now his nose was taking in Xander's scent, twitching ever so slightly. Usually languid and relaxed, the sometimes-werewolf was slowly fidgeting back and forth on the pads of his feet, clutching Willow's hand like she was a tether holding him back. Xander could feel how strongly Oz was drawn to him, or to be more precise, to his recently shed blood.

When Oz caught Xander in his sights, his eyes growled a simple instruction:

Tell them.

====== CONTINUED IN PART 6 =====