Finding Strength

Please see all disclaimers in Chapter 1

Chapter 5

Buffy now loved the sound of the ocean. It roared with life, as if the water was the Earth’s blood, pulsing through its veins. The waves pounded down onto the sand, drenching the beach in it’s saltiness, until the tide turned it back down to it’s darkened depths. And then the cycle repeated.

She also loved the feel of the sand on her bare feet. She sat now on the lonely beach, the spray of the waves floating in the air, and the gritty wet sand sticking between her toes. The afternoon wasn’t glorious, by any means. In Oregon it wasn’t eternally sunny. She squinted up into the gray cloud covered sky and watched as a lone seagull glided overhead. She wondered where it was going, what it felt as it flew through the sky, if it had a family and loved ones, if it was content.

A breeze kicked up and she closed her eyes against the sand blowing against her face, and she barely managed to reach out and grab the notepad that sat beside her, before it tumbled into the air. She held a ball point pen in her hand, and once the winds slacked, she placed the notepad back into her lap to compose a letter to Dawn.

Dear Dawn,

Sorry it has taken me so long to write. I know you’ve been worried about me, but I wanted to get settled down first, and organize my thoughts before putting them down on paper for you.

First, know that I am safe, and actually content. I am sitting here on a beach as I write this. We should have gone to the beach more. I never realized before how wonderful waves and sand are. I promise you now, one day, we will go to the beach together.

I’m sorry I haven’t phoned. Partly I haven’t because I needed to conserve every cent until I had a place, and a job that provided me with an adequate income. I know I could have phoned collect, but to be honest, I just couldn’t stand hearing anyone’s voice from there yet. I’m sorry if that is cruel, but I’ve vowed to myself to always be honest from this point forward, and that is my honest thoughts. It’s not that I don’t want to hear your voice, but I don’t think I’m quite strong enough yet to go back, and I’m afraid hearing your voice will pull me back there. And, my heart could not bear hearing Willow’s voice, or Xander’s or anyone from the gang. I miss them all so much. I miss you so much. But I need this time away.

Buffy paused in her writing, and again looked out at the surf. She wondered how many miles stood between her and Giles now. She hoped he was happy in England. Her anger at him was gone, for the most part. She realized now she had been angry at him for the wrong reasons. He had been right. She needed to learn to be strong on her own. She was bitterly ashamed now of her actions, running out on him when he had tried to explain why he had to leave, and that she had given up on not only herself, but on all those she held dear.

She put pen back to paper.

Dawn, next time Giles phones you from England, please tell him he was right. He was right to leave me. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. He’ll know what you mean.

I’m in a little coastal town in Oregon. It’s called Windy Cove, and if you were here you’d understand the name. The wind is always blowing here! But it is not unpleasant. I find it very cleansing. The dust can’t settle here, if you know what I mean!

It took me a couple of weeks to get here. The bus dropped me off in Eugene, Oregon, and I wandered through many small towns before finding my place here. I got a job in a local cannery. They hired me on the spot when they saw how I could wield a knife! I have filleted any kind of fish you can imagine. Even an octopus! I also help clean crab meat. It’s the worst. My hands are so sore and calloused now, and my clothes always smell like fish. But, funny as it may seem, I enjoy the work. I can’t say I’ve truly made friends at the cannery, because I mostly try to stay to myself. They’ve all known each other for years, but they have said that every season there is a new face here and there that only stays as long as the fish stay, and then they leave. They have me already pegged as one of those faces this year, and they are right. I won’t stay here forever, but it’s good for now.

Dawnie, I know I can’t make you understand how I’ve needed this retreat, and I can’t even explain to myself why it is so healing. But it is. I know after reading this you’ll want to come here. Please don’t. I love you, and if you love me, you’ll give me this time. I’ll come home when I’m ready. And please explain that to Xander and Willow. I know they’ll want to come too, but I just can’t deal with that right now. I trust you to make them understand. Enlist Spike’s help if you need. He’ll help you. I’m grateful to him for that. I guess you won’t have to worry about Giles, since I assume he’s in England now.

I probably shouldn’t share these next thoughts with you, but you are my sister and I need to confide in someone. I know you are a young adult now. Gone is that bratty sister I always used to bicker with! Ha ha. Anyway, my thoughts concerning Giles are complicated. I was very angry with him. But I’m not anymore. I realize now that he gave up his entire life for me. I was selfish in trying to make him stay. And I was selfish when I tried to give up in that cemetery. I now know I needed to let him go, even though it feels like half of my soul is ripped out with his absence. He left because he knew I needed to find strength within myself, and not lean on him all the time. I saw him as a crutch. At least, that is what he thought and I can see how he thought that. But Dawnie, truth be told, I loved him. I love him. And not in a Scooby gang kind of way. And that scared me. Every man I have ever loved has left me. I was afraid if I loved him, he’d leave me.

And then he left me anyway. So, I freaked. I didn’t realize he was leaving me because he loved me. I see that now. I’m not sure why I am telling you all this. Perhaps because getting it all out here on paper helps me to understand it all better myself. And to make you realize where my head is, why I had to leave, and why it’s best for me to stay here now.

I do miss you. I am lonely at times, very lonely. But at least I am feeling now. I have emotions now, which I had shoved deep down inside my coffin before. Know that I love you. I will write again soon.

Buffy

Buffy folded up the letter and placed it in her back pocket of her jeans. She stood up in the same motion, dusting the sand off her clothes. She grabbed her shoes and socks that she had discarded earlier next to a log and hurried back to her apartment. She had to be at work shortly.

Her studio apartment was small and dark with only one window facing the street, but it was clean. She hurriedly changed into her work clothes of a flannel shirt, an older pair of jeans, and grabbed her rubber boots. Buffy often stood in water all day, so the rubber boots had been a godsend. They were a hand me down pair from her boss, Bill. His daughter had left them behind when she had left for college, and they fit Buffy perfectly. She was grateful to Bill for many reasons. He was a kind man, and a fair boss. She was lucky. She had always imagined a cannery boss to be something in the kind to Principle Snyder, but Bill was the complete opposite of that.

Bill ran the cannery, and his wife, Annie, ran the front of the shop which was a touristy gift shop selling everything from the canned products that Buffy helped package, to coffee mugs, sweatshirts, caps, and anything else a tourist could want. It was a fun place, and the people were friendly.

It was the opposite of home in almost every way. Almost. Sure, she hadn’t found any vampires yet, but creepiness found every nook and cranny in the world. And Buffy ran into Windy Cove’s main creep as she left the post office where she had mailed her letter to Dawn.

“Hey there, gorgeous! Looks like we’re working the same shift together today, eh?” Mike leered at her. Buffy kept her head down, and kept walking. The cannery was just down the street. Well, in Windy Cove, there really was only one street. Buffy wished at this moment it was a shorter street.

“Lucky me,” Buffy mumbled under her breath. Mike hurried to keep pace with her, placing his grubby paw inside her elbow. Buffy knocked his hand off of her. “Don’t,” she glared at him. “I’ve told you, I’m not interested.” Buffy shoved the back door of the cannery open and went into the locker room, Mike right on her heels.

“Tis, fate, little lady. Just you wait and see. We are destined to be together.” He winked lewdly at her as she sat on the bench to pull her rubber boots on. Buffy strived to ignore him. She had dated dead guys more attractive then Mike. He reminded her of Brutus, or whatever his name was in that Popeye movie. Big and round and greasy, was Mike. Plus, she was sure the half of his teeth that were still in his mouth were rotting out and would be hitting the pavement at any moment. The chew he always kept in his bottom lip didn’t help his breath either. She shuddered as his gaze washed over her again, from the top of her head to the end of her toes.

Buffy stood up abruptly, almost knocking Mike back into the lockers. She glared at him in all her Slayer fury. “Listen, creep. I’ve told you. Stay away from me.” She thought of Giles. More accurately, she thought of Ripper. That thought made her smile inside. “If you don’t leave me alone,” she pointed her finger and pressed it into his chest, “my boyfriend back home will get very angry. And you don’t want to see him angry. Trust me on that.” Buffy spun around and walked out of the locker room, partly amused at the thought of Ripper tearing into Mike, and partly sad remembering that her Giles was so very far away.

She hoped Bill had a mess of fish for her to clean today. She could use some guts to mess with. Otherwise, she might end up slaying Mike, and she couldn’t afford to do that. It wasn’t that she didn’t think society would improve if she did slay him, but she figured Bill would have to fire her for something like murder. And she couldn’t afford to lose this job.

Back in the locker room, Mike sat heavily on the bench to pull his boots on. “Boyfriend, my ass,” he thought. He’d have her before this week was out. When Mike wanted something, he got it, and no mere slip of a girl would stop him.

TBC