Lost Letters

Title: Lost Letters

Author: Jennifer

Copyright (c) 2002 - 2003 by Jennifer Johnson

Distribution: If you would like to archive this somewhere, please ask my permission first!

Feedback: jennpurr@yahoo.com or willowtaralove@netzero.com Please, give me feedback. Good or bad. Feel free to tell me what you think. Or just post it here.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy/UPN/FOX and whoever else owns the rights. This is solely for my entertainment. Please do not copyright this story. All original characters belong to me.

F/F romance: If the idea and depiction of a same sex relationship bothers you, please do not read this story.

Pairings: W/T, X, B

Spoilers: None

Summary: Someone in Willow's family has died and she discovers a painful secret.

Rating: PG to NC-17. This part is PG-13?

Angst Level: Um... 5?

My Thanks: To Danie. Thanks for being my beta/friend and for helping me out with all the suggestions. You truly are gifted for writing. I hope you continue to do so. And D, don't forget the catnip.

Dedication: To all the W/T fans. May we always keep Tara alive in our hearts.

Author's Notes: The timeline of this fic takes place 8 years after Tara left Willow in, "Tabula Rasa." She left Sunnydale and moved to LA. They have not spoken since that time. Willow moved out of Buffy's house and in with her parents until she graduated from College. Now, she has her own house and owns her own business.

Story Note: Guys, this is very angsty, but if you will hang in there through the whole story, I promise you it will be well worth it. If I make anyone cry, I am very sorry. Again, I'm sorry for the angst. Hang in there.



FIC: Lost Letters, Chapter 5
By: Jennifer



At some point, between crying and just sitting in the silence, Willow and Tara had fallen asleep. They had found their way back to their previous positions on the couch, with each girl lying on their back on opposite ends of the sofa.

Legs had entwined; when, it wasn't known.

Tara was the first to wake. Her wake up call was a combination of a full bladder and an outrageously rumbling stomach. She definitely needed some food. Neither girl had eaten since the day before, skipping dinner and heading straight into a very emotional evening.

Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she blinked them open. The morning light from the window behind her, causing her to squint her eyes at first.

Lifting her head off the arm, she craned her neck up, looking over at Willow. She smiled when she saw that the hacker was still sleeping. She looked so peaceful.

As gently and calmly as she could, the blonde began to extract her legs from her couch companion's and swung them around, pivoting her body around and sitting up.

Willow whimpered lightly at the loss of contact, but eventually quieted down, resting comfortably.

Standing, Tara made her way to the bathroom. On her way back out, she glanced at the shower curtain and felt the sudden need to refresh herself.

Finding her way back to the living room, she walked over to the sleeping redhead. Brushing some stray hairs away from Willow's eyes with her fingers, she leaned down and deposited a gentle kiss on her lips. It was fleeting, her lips barely making contact.

She whispered, "I'll be back, sweetie," and rose back up. She froze her forward movement when she heard a groggy, sleep filled voice speak to her.

"Mmmm... Tara? Don't go," the girl whimpered, reaching out with her hands to try and grab onto the blonde. Her eyes remained shut and she grunted when, all her fingers grasped were air.

Moving back over, she bent down. She closed her eyes briefly, when the redhead's hands found her face, cupping her cheeks.

Willow's eyes slowly started to open and she yawned. Focusing upwards, she smiled, her eyes finding Tara's.

Placing her hands over those on her face, she nuzzled her cheek to the right. "I'll be back shortly. I'm just going to go and take a shower and change into some clean clothes."

"Okay." The hacker's right hand moved to the back of the blonde's head, pulling her down, closer to her face. "Don't be gone too long."

Their faces were about an inch apart, warm breath tickling flesh. Neither was sure of what to do, but it was Tara who made the first move. She brushed her cheek over Willow's lips before turning her head slightly and leaving a soft kiss on her forehead.

She wasn't brave enough to leave a kiss on her lips, even though she had just a few moments ago. The situation was different now. Willow was actually awake.

The redhead's right hand slid across the blonde's cheek as she stood back up. "You should eat something while I'm gone." Glancing to the table, to the right of the sofa, her eyes gathered up the time. "Its 10:17, sweetie."

Groaning, Willow sat up and stretched her arms above her head.

Tara caught herself watching the other girl as she moved. How her breasts pushed up, wrinkling her shirt. She had to physically close her eyes to look away. When she opened them, she started to turn, to walk away. "I'm going now."

Reaching out, Tara's hand met the other girls when it was offered, and she squeezed it.

"I'll be here," the hacker said, standing. Her hand kept hold of her loves', even as she started to walk away. When their fingers had no choice but to part, she loosened her hold and let go, watching Tara open the front door and then quietly close it behind her, once she reached it.

Stretching again, fully, she stood up on her tiptoes and hopped into a walk, making her way to the other side of the house. She could hear the shower calling her name and she wasn't about to ignore its call.

*****

The wind fluttered over Willow's face, whipping her hair slightly, as she basked in the early sun. She was sitting outside on her swing, with her legs crossed and her head tilted back resting on the back of the swing.

Her hair was still wet from her shower, but a few dry strands kept tickling her features upon her face. She would smooth them back down, but it was useless. Her hair had a mind of its own.

The redhead's mind was running non-stop, her thoughts riding a roller coaster. First stop - Confusion Ville, at least for now, anyway.

She still didn't understand why her mother had done what she had with the letters. Obviously, Sheila had won though. She had kept them away from her daughter, but of course, all deceptions come with a price and must end at some point. In this situation, the price was her daughter's anger and frustration, topped off with a lot of hurt and anxiety.

A small part of Willow would probably never be able to forgive her mother for what she had done, but staying angry with her was useless. Yelling and resenting a gravestone or even a memory, was silly and childish. That was the easy way out. The more adult thing to do would be to move on and find her way past it.

Her mind could remain hurt, but her heart told her to let go.

So, that's what she would do.

There was still the matter of, if her father had been involved in any of this betrayal. She didn't feel he had, but soon she would know for sure.

Not today, though. No. Today was about Willow and what Willow needed. The answer to that of course, was easy. And as she lifted her head off the back of the swing, the sound of an approaching car breaking her thoughts, she smiled. What she needed, the only thing she did and had ever desired, was the blonde goddess that was driving that car, which had just pulled into her driveway and parked.

Now, as that person climbed from her seat and shut the vehicle's door and made her approach towards the redhead, she knew the answer. The person that could help in taking all of her pain and fears away and help her to move on, towards something new, was the woman who wasn't even a foot away from her, gracing the first step of the stairs onto the porch - her, Tara; Or more importantly - her future, or so she hoped.

*****

"Hey, sweetie." Tara smiled at the redhead, shyly. She moved over, to stand in front of the banister of the roofed deck, the crest of her buttocks leaning against the wood, as she looked at Willow.

Willow just smiled at her, as she re-adjusted the bottom of her robe, pulling it tighter over her legs, trying to make it cover as much skin as possible.

"Comfy?" The blonde eyed her attire, not able to drag her vision away from the creamy skin of the other girl's exposed thighs.

Her robe comfortably covered her body down to her knees while standing, but when sitting, it rode up to about mid thigh.

Willow shifted nervously in place, feeling the blue eyes of her companion on her, watching her, devouring every patch of bare cream that she could. "It's kinda... short..." She gulped when she saw, Tara take a step closer to her.

Closing her eyes, she forced her eyes away, finally opening them to look at the hacker's face. As she stepped forward, slowly, she tried to breathe calmly. Silently, Tara begged her heart to stop pounding so loudly.

It was no use though; the closer she got to the swing, the louder and faster it thumped.

Her heart was the mallet, causing a bass drum amount of noise.

Finally sitting down sideways on the cushioned swing, the blonde distanced herself a little from the other girl. She didn't want to be too close. The closer she was; that was all the more invitation her hands needed to accept temptation.

That, she wouldn't do. It was too soon to even think about something like that, wasn't it?

Keeping that in mind, Tara settled on inching her right hand over, letting her lower arm linger and rest on her own left thigh, as her hand paused in mid air. Her flesh was only millimeters away from the hand that rested on Willow's upper, cloth covered thigh.

Feeling the heat radiating off of Tara's hand and onto her own, she moved her hand to the right, brushing it against the blonde's fingers.

Smiling, she looked up and over at the other girl, who returned her smile. Moving her hand more and turning it over, she slid her hand under the blonde Wicca's and their fingers interlaced.

It was a little awkward, due to the way they were sitting, but they were touching. It's what they both needed.

Lifting her left arm up and placing it on the top piece of wood, behind the redhead's head, she laid it there, scooting in just a little bit closer.

"It's okay, Willow. You don't have to be nervous around me. You're safe." She leaned in just a little bit more, resting her forehead on the other girl's temple, her thumb moving over the skin it touched.

Closing her eyes, the hacker breathed in deeply. "Not from myself, I'm not." She squeezed the hand in hers and nuzzled her temple over the blonde's forehead.

"Then we're even," Tara whispered, stilling her thumb, waiting for Willow to catch onto what she meant.

Pulling her head back, she turned her face, looking into pools of blue. "Tara, all I've wanted is you. Now that you're back, it just makes things harder."

Tilting her head, the blonde witch pulled back a little too, looking at Willow curiously. "How?"

The redhead looked away and down at her hand, flexing her fingers, letting them get a tighter hold on those in between hers. "'Cause now it's a reality. You're real and really here. Before, I had accepted that you were gone and that I would probably never see you again." She lifted her gaze again, looking deeply into those in front of her.

"I don't want to hurt you again or disappoint you." Willow's lower lip quivered at those words. That was her worst fear, reliving the past and slipping back into old habits.

Licking her lips, Tara gave her a thoughtful look. "Then don't." Her hand lifted from the back of the swing and came to rest on the back of her love's head, a comforting gesture. Her fingers started to move, brushing through the back of her locks.

"I fear the same things, Willow. We can't let our fear win, though. Things will never work that way. You know that." Her fingers continued to move, massaging her scalp as they went.

Willow couldn't help but close her eyes, lost in the sensation of what the blonde's fingers were doing. "I do," her breathing grew shallower, somewhat and she almost moaned. What Tara was doing just felt so - wonderful.

"Then tell me, what do you want?" the blonde witch's voice was nothing, but a whisper.

Turning her head a little to the right, she still kept her eyes closed. Willow's left hand fell to the seat, gripping the cushion - hard. "I want..." she opened her eyes now, turning her head the rest of the way, her face an inch away from the blonde's.

"To try again," she continued. Now, all that remained was what the other girl wanted. She prayed it was the same thing.

Tara couldn't keep the grin from her features, as she leaned forward and pulled her hand from the girl's hair and wrapping it around her shoulders, she pulled her closer. "Me too. Com'ere."

Letting herself be pulled into an embrace, she untwined her fingers from the blonde's and embraced her fully. As Willow turned her body, so she could hold Tara more easily, she forgot about her robe. In her forgetfulness, the bottom of the material came open, exposing even more of her flesh to the air.

She didn't care though. What mattered right now was this embrace and she wasn't going to give it up for anything.

The blonde hugged her close, putting all of her love into this moment. Her cheek leaned to the right and nuzzled into the other girl's hair. It was still damp enough to leave a trail of moisture on her skin.

Not being able to help herself, she inhaled the scent of coconuts from the red locks. "Mmmm... you smell good, sweetie."

"So do you," Willow replied back, pulling out of the hug a little, to get a better smell of Tara's neck. There was a hint of strawberry there. "Strawberry lotion?" she inquired, taking in another lungful.

Tara laughed softly, when the hacker's nose tickled her sensitive flesh. "Mmmm hmmm... and you smell like coconuts."

"That would be my conditioner." Willow continued to pull back, lifting her face up, brushing her cheek across her loves.

"Well... it... smells good," the Wicca's words slowed, her lips whispering over the redhead's cheek when it passed over them. When the hacker's cheek was out of range, her mouth brushed the corner of the other girl's.

Pulling back completely, Willow searched Tara's eyes. She noticed how shallow her breathing had become and knew what had caused that. It was something they both wanted, needed; dreamed about.

"Tara?" her voice was small, nervous again.

"Kiss me, Willow... please..." there was a slight urgency to her voice. Tara couldn't wait anymore. She wanted this now.

When the redhead reached up and cupped her cheek, she felt a hand descend onto her leg. The blonde's fingers resting on her exposed thigh; not moving, just resting there, basking in the warmth.

Her thumb ran over Tara's lips, gently, as she leaned in. The tip of her nose touched the other girls and she smiled. When her thumb passed to the right, she gingerly covered the remaining part of her lips with her own. She didn't press them together; in fact she barely felt them at all.

This just wouldn't do for the blonde though. When the other girl tried to pull away, the hand that was on the hacker's thigh, cupped it and squeezed onto it, while her other hand found the back of Willow's head and pulled her face in again.

She covered the redhead's lips with her own, feeling their softness, kissing her softly. She didn't try to rush the embrace or deepen it. Tara just simply felt her way along. Her lips kissed the other girl's repeatedly, in short brushes, not staying put in one place for too long.

Her heart began to race even faster, when Willow pulled away from her to look in her eyes, searching for something. Guessing she found it, the redhead leaned back in and kissed her a little harder this time, the hacker's lips pushing over hers with a controlled force, her tongue peeking out to taste them.

Tara couldn't keep the moan at bay that traveled up through her lungs and swallowed itself inside the other girl's mouth. Her hand that was on her love's thigh started to move, her fingers lightly mapping out the area that they occupied, reacquainting themselves with the familiar, yet new territory.

When her fingers had crept up to the bottom of the material and started to try and sneak under it, is when the redhead pulled back.

She had been so caught up in the feeling of Tara's lips on her own, that she had forgotten what she was wearing.

Looking down at her leg, she saw that glorious hand inching its way up. Placing her hand over the blonde's, she lifted it away and tried to cover herself up again. Her nervousness and shyness burrowing to the surface again and overruling her need to be close to the other girl.

"I'm sorry," Tara looked down at her hand, ashamed. Some small part of her brain knew what it had been trying to do, knew what it wanted, but the other part of her kept screaming, 'Slow down.'

The Wicca's own shyness reappearing now, as she wondered if she had made a mistake. Was Willow mad at her now? Would she tell her to leave?

The redhead seemed to sense her inner questions and fears, as she looked back up at Tara and brought her hands up to her face, cupping her cheeks, making the other girl look at her.

"It's okay. Don't apologize. I do want you, Tara. I won't lie to you. My soul wants all of you, right now, right here... well, maybe not right here, cause we're outside and the whole world can see us and that's just not very..."

The feeling of soft lips on her own shut her up. Returning the kiss, she felt the blonde start to relax, her shyness drifting away. Just when she was about to deepen the kiss, Tara pulled away.

"I love you, Willow. I'll wait for you, for us... when we're ready, we'll both know. We'll just feel it and just know," she paused to lean in for a kiss, before continuing. "I'll be here, waiting for you."

Willow nodded at her and looked down at her hand. It was aching to touch the blonde again. It burned for her, the feel of her skin. She craved it.

"M-maybe I should go..." Tara's voice trailed off. She really didn't want to go, but if she stayed, she couldn't promise that she wouldn't try to step over that line of no return and just take the redhead now.

"No! Please, don't go. I-I'll go change, put some actual clothes on, but please stay. Tara?" the hurt was obvious in her voice. She didn't want the other girl to leave. Part of her was still afraid that she wouldn't see her again if she left now. That was her greatest fear.

"Are you sure?" Tara wasn't sure if she was asking the redhead that question, or herself, but either way, she needed an answer.

"Yes, I'm positive. Stay? Please?" Willow's eyes pleaded with the blue ones of her girl's. When she saw her smile and nod her head, she leaned in a gave her a quick kiss and then got up to go in the house to change clothes, leaving Tara alone with her thoughts.

Those thoughts, they were swimming, all coming together. The blonde knew what she wanted, knew what she needed, but if she gave in would it ruin everything? That was her only question.

So, she sat. Contemplating what to do next.

She knew the answer, or the answer that her heart kept shouting at her, but her brain had a mind of it's own as well and it was being stubborn.

Closing her eyes, she pulled in a deep breath and smiled. She had her answer.

Her heart always won.

*****


TBC...