Complement

XXXI – Promises
(Part C)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Faith watched Dawn through half-lidded eyes as they trained together. Something was off; Dawn hadn't been acting like herself for the past few days. It had been nagging her before the BBQ and she hadn't be able to put her finger on it then and for the last two days that nagging feeling had just gotten worse. Something was telling her she should know what it was.why why was it eluding her?

She was listening with half an ear to Mars as she and Dawn sparred. She could barely hear him since he was in a different room training Buffy with Lilith and Clotho's help. Mars was in rare form today dishing out more than his usual barrage of insults to Buffy as she took on both Lilith and Clotho at the same time. Neither Slayer took his insults to heart it was just his style, he was brisk, abrupt, rude, crude, funny as hell and one hell of a warrior and teacher. Actually all three of the Immortals were excellent teachers; they were all versed in different types of combat, from martial arts to weapon's masters. Buffy and Faith had learned more from them in the weeks they had been here then they had learned from both of all their previous trainers, including Angel, combined. And, now it seemed according to the Living Scroll all them were to be trained by them.

Even Dawn had learned, improved over the last five days under their tutelage. Right now, she and Dawn were fighting with Staffs. Obviously, Dawn couldn't beat her, but after six days Faith noticed that Dawn seemed to have a natural ability with the staff. It was almost as if the staff was just merely an extension of Dawn herself. Faith was more than convinced that in time Dawn would be able to beat both she and Buffy when it came to staff fighting, Slayers or not. She had told the Immortals the same thing and much to her surprise they all agreed.

Today though, Dawn was distracted, indifferent, sluggish, and Faith knew from her own experience just how dangerous that was even if they were only sparring. They circled each other and with a flick of the staff and not using any of her Slayer strength, Faith managed easily to knock Dawn's staff from her hands for the umpteenth time in the last hour.

"Dawn! You need to pay attention, you're gonna get hurt or get someone hurt. That's the millionth time today I knocked the Staff out of your hands without even trying! Christ!" Faith snarled, her tone curt, she was aggravated that she couldn't figure out what was going on with Dawn and cranky on top of everything else.

"Well... you should know all about that Faith!" Dawn snarled back at the Dark Slayer.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Faith could almost physically feel the anger radiating at her from Dawn and she hadn't a clue where it was coming from.

"Getting other people hurt 'cause you aren't paying attention or just don't give a shit." Dawn hissed, her eyes flashing red-hot anger. Misplaced she knew, but the words were escaping her without her consent and she knew she wasn't going to be able to stop them.

"What?" Faith saw the storm brewing in Dawn's eyes and she shuddered when she realized that it reminded her of the same type of storm that was unleashed on her the day Hurricane Buffy made her presence known at the Magic Shop.

As she stared intensely into Dawn's eyes, she saw something else lurking in the murky fury there. Guilt, intense all-consuming guilt and Faith recognized it because she had seen that same anger and guilt in her own eyes for years and then again when she and Buffy were held captive in Glory's Hell and the weeks following their escape. Now she understood what it was that had been eluding her, she had been refusing to see that haunted look she knew so intimately in Dawn's eyes. And she felt her own guilt, which she had thought she had gotten past, rise back up in her; struggling to find it's foothold on her soul once again. She fought it down, sought to destroy it as she mentally tried to prepare herself for the rage she knew Dawn would be directing her way. But nothing could have ever prepared her for what did come out of Dawn's mouth with a deadly aim that would have put Artemis the Greek Goddess of the Hunt to shame.

"You... You're good at hurting other people. Look what you did to everyone when you first came to Sunnydale. You couldn't even protect your own watcher. Then you came to us and tried to destroy everyone. You tried to kill everyone, even my Mom who never did anything to you, who tried to help you. Then you killed someone 'cause you weren't paying attention out on patrol. So don't tell me about paying attention. How many people died 'cause you didn't want to do your job and be a Slayer like Buffy. Huh Faith?"

A part of Dawn's mind was screaming in horror at the words that were spilling from her mouth. She was turning it all on Faith, laying it all at her feet. Yes, those things had happened. No, they weren't right. But, even as young as she was, she understood the how and the why's behind what happened. Yet still she couldn't stop her mouth from running off on its own. She even knew that if Buffy or anyone else had dared to say any of these things to Faith she would be the first to defend her, the first to stand up for Faith, the first to try to protect her. So what was she doing? Why couldn't she stop herself?

"I... I..." Faith stuttered, but she couldn't get anything else out. Her mind was reeling, she knew where this was coming from, understood it. She had lashed out many times in her life, she was well acquainted with trying to redirect the blame, the guilt she had carried with her on someone else. She knew Dawn didn't believe or mean what she was saying. Even so, she was still reeling from the stinging words, every one of them true and they hurt her beyond anything imaginable. And because they were all true there was nothing she could do but just listen to them, there was no defense for them, nothing that would ever change the truth in them or make them right. She felt the tears gathering, she fought them back and she waited because she knew Dawn was far from done.

"What? Can't think of anything to say? The truth hurts, doesn't it? Then next thing we know, poof, all of sudden you're not bad anymore, you're good and you come back after getting redeemed." Dawn sneered, wanting more then anything just to cover her mouth with her own hands and stop the words, but they just kept coming. "And what happens? You steal Buffy away and I get left alone. Mom's dead and Buffy's too busy with you to notice anything else. She forgot about everything, everyone, including Glory. And when Glory comes after us, where were you? You weren't even there to help, just like you weren't before with Adam and 'cause Buffy was so busy with you none of us were ready for her when she did come. You promised me, us, that you would never let Glory hurt me, any of us. Why weren't you there Faith like you promised?"

Dawn heard herself as if from far away, as if someone else possessed her body, her mouth and she was just an observer. She watched, as the hurt grew larger in Faith's eyes, as she tried to keep back the tears, watched as one escaped anyway and trailed slowly down Faith's face. Watched as the staff fell from Faith's lifeless fingers, hearing it hit the floor dully.

"I'm... I'm sorry... I... Gamin..." Faith whispered, she felt like Dawn was ripping her heart out as she echoed, said aloud all the thoughts that had spun around in her own head, all the months they had been held by Glory, and with each word Dawn spoke the guilt started to build a place inside of her once again.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! You don't care, if you cared you would have never let Buffy die! You would have stopped Glory! Where were you that night? Why did you leave me up on the tower? Why? Why didn't you help Buffy beat Glory? WHY DID YOU LET HER DIE?!!? WHY? WHY FAITH? YOU SAID YOU WOULD PROTECT HER!!! YOU LIED!!!" Dawn took a deep breath, her throat raw from screaming. Faith reached out a hand towards her and she slapped it away, her anger rising up hotly once again.

"Then you followed her and broke your promise again! You promised her that if anything happened to her you would take care of me! YOU LIED AGAIN! YOU BOTH LIED AND I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME! I HATE YOU BOTH FOR LEAVING ME! BUFFY WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DIE! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DIE! I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE! ME! NOT BUFFY! NOT YOU! ME! AND I HATE YOU BOTH!"

Faith reached out towards Dawn again, ignoring her own pain, hurt and Dawn's slapping hands. She tried to pull her into a hug. Dawn twisted away from Faith, her arms and legs lashing out at Faith as she screamed to her of her hate of both the Slayers. Faith just let her arms fall uselessly, helplessly, to her sides allowing Dawn the freedom to release all the fear, guilt and anger she had been holding inside the last few months. A part of herself believing again that she deserved this for all she had done and for all she hadn't done as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy was laughing at one of Mars' little insult tirades. She was laughing because he so reminded her of Faith when Faith went off on one of her tirades. He sputtered, paced, threw his hands around and generally ranted before he calmed down and actually said what it was that needed to be said. He was damn cute when he did it because she knew it came from a good place, because just like the other Incarnates he loved her and Faith like they were his own family. It just endeared him more to both the Slayers' and they loved him in return because of it.

She turned her attention back to Lilith and Clotho and mentally thanked the Goddess that they were on the same side. She would never actually want to meet them in battle; they were both quick as greased lightning, focused and lethal. She bent her knees and shot herself upwards and into a back flip over the top of Clotho's head as they came at her from either side, pulling what Mars' laughingly called her Xena move. A move Faith had actually taught her. She landed easily, gracefully behind Clotho; her feet had barely touched the ground before she threw a snap-kick at Clotho's back sending her flying into Lilith.

Lilith and Clotho regained their feet quickly and both came at her at once. She waited until they were close enough then executed a spinning, double roundhouse, hitting Lilith first then Clotho. She sidestepped away from them and crouched back down into a fighting stance again, waiting for them.

Then everything warped into slow motion. She felt the pain, the anguish come to her through the bond, then she heard the screaming, the words at first not making any sense. She just knew Faith was hurting and that it was Dawn who was hurting Faith. She spun around and took off running for the other room, not needing to share a bond with her sister to know that her sister was hurting just as much as Faith.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Buffy screamed as she ran into the room. She skidded to a halt right next to Faith and her sister, blinking her eyes, not sure if was was actually seeing what she was seeing.

Faith was standing unnaturally still, her head bowed, her bottom lip caught between her teeth which were a hairsbreadth away from biting through the scar she and Buffy both had from the their time spent in Glory's Hell. Her hands balled into tight, painful fists at her sides. Blood pooling in her palms from her own nails digging into her flesh.

She was waging a silent war within her mind. The darkness that she thought she had conquered was rising up within her with a fury from deep inside. She was afraid to move, afraid to speak, afraid that it would win the war. She understood what Dawn was going through, understood where all this was coming from, but it didn't stop the hurt her words were inflicting deep down in her soul. Didn't stop the beast within her wanting to rise back up and lash out in retaliation at another person who claimed to love her once again hurting her. And the darkness within her wanted to unleash upon Dawn all the hurt, pain and anger that had been unleashed upon her for most of her life.

It was taking all of her willpower to stay still, to not revert to the person she was after that night she had accidentally killed Allan Finch. She struggled to find her center, repeating in her head for the first time in a very long time the mantra that Angel had taught her what felt like years ago, 'I control me. The darkness, the rage, DO NOT control me!'

Dawn was a whirlwind of flailing arms and legs as she kicked and punched, screaming how she hated Faith over and over again, beating Faith up with her words, fists and feet.

Buffy moved quickly, grabbed her sister from the side around the waist and dragged her a few feet away from Faith. Dawn started to struggle against her, her arms and legs still lashing out. Buffy let out a yelp when Dawn elbowed her hard in the side.

"Dawn cut it out right now!" Buffy hung onto her sister until her struggling ceased.

"Let me go," Dawn hissed through clenched teeth, her rage still strong, still hot and deep down she knew it was so wrong. But it owned her right now and she couldn't break from its grasp. She looked at the Dark Slayer who was standing motionless in front of her, with cold eyes. She needed a scapegoat for it all and Faith was it.

Buffy finally let her sister go. She took a long look at her little sister and didn't recognize her. Dawn's eyes were mere slits and filled with so much anger that Buffy involuntarily took a step back away from her. Her mouth was pulled back in a snarl, her chest heaving from her exertion and pure rage radiated from Dawn in waves.

Buffy turned and moved the few feet that separated her from Faith. She gently grasped one of Faith's forearms and got hit with an echo of such intense conflicting emotions it actually made her knees weak.

"Faith?" Buffy whispered softly.

Faith growled low, it rumbled out of her chest a mixture of both hurt and warning, much like a cornered animal would. She still didn't trust herself to move or speak and all she could hope was that Buffy would understand.

"Faith, are you okay?" Buffy asked helplessly, she started to reach out again towards her but stopped. Realization of what the actual conflict going on inside of Faith was, finally coming together in her mind. She didn't know what to do and she felt her own anger rising quickly to the surface. She whirled around to face her sister.

"What the hell happened here, Dawn? What the hell did you say to Faith?"

"Nothing that wasn't true. Nothing she didn't deserve. This! All of this! It's all her fault!" Dawn hissed at her sister, the rage still refusing to release its grip on her.

"What the hell are you talking about, Dawn?"

"What am I talking about? You dying! What happened to you in Glory's Hell. You leaving me and then leaving again. All of it, it's all her fault. None of this would have happened if she wasn't here, if she hadn't come back. You're too busy fucking her to noticed she hasn't changed at all. She's still the same psycho she was before. What happened to you is all her fault and I hate her. I HATE HER AND I HATE YOU!"

Buffy stood dumbfounded as the hateful, hurtful words rolled off her sister's tongue. She felt the rage boiling up in her, white-hot and she wanted to hurt Dawn like Dawn was hurting Faith, hurting her. The rage was quickly gaining control over her and she knew if she didn't rein it in she would hurt her sister. She took a half step towards Dawn, her hands balling into fists.

"ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY, DAWN?!!? YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! HOW DARE YOU?!!?" She moved forward as she screamed at Dawn until she was standing toe to toe with Dawn and with her last word, she shoved Dawn hard.

Faith had finally lifted her head as she watched the two sisters square off against each other. Then through her own turmoil, she felt the rage rise up in Buffy. She knew that rage, she had lived with it for a long time and now Buffy knew it too. She watched as Buffy shoved Dawn and Dawn stumbled and fell to the ground, the sound of her body hitting the mat loud and ugly in the now silent room. Still she stood immobile trying to control her own rage, her own darkness that threatened to make things ten times worse than they already were.

Dawn looked up at her sister, not believing that she had actually pushed her. Her own rage still in control of her, she sneered at Buffy ignoring the small voice in her head that was yelling for her to stop. Her own fear, guilt, and yes, even anger pushed her on.

"I HATE YOU! BUT I HATE HER EVEN MORE FOR WHAT SHE DID TO YOU, FOR TAKING YOU AWAY FROM ME, FOR WHAT SHE LET THEM DO TO YOU! FOR YOU LEAVING ME AGAIN FOR HER, LEAVING ME FOR SOMEONE WHO IS NOTHING BUT A CHEAP FUCKING WH...." Dawn started to rise from the floor her words trailing off as her sister stepped towards her and raised her fist.

Buffy took another half step towards her sister as she began to rise from the floor screaming her hate at her, screaming her hate for her and Faith. She pulled her fist back intending to strike Dawn and stop the spiteful words that were spewing from her mouth.

Buffy's raisedt wat was what finally broke the spell that was holding Faith captive, immobile and silent. She couldn't let it happen, couldn't let Buffy hurt her sister. She knew Buffy wasn't seeing what was going on, she was only hearing the words Dawn was saying, she wasn't seeing the meaning or the hidden truth behind them.

Buffy wasn't seeing the frightened, lonely, guilt-ridden girl that Dawn truly was. Faith was, though. She had been that young girl for most of her liShe She knew Dawn was looking for someone to hurt her as her punishment for what had happened to the Slayers during their stay in hell. Punish her because of the guilt she was unfairly placing upon her own frail shoulders. Guilt, that the Slayers had never truly helped her get past.

They all needed to heal from this and what had been done to them had left them blind to how all of this effected Dawn and they had left her alone with her own demons to try and deal with something that even the oldest amongst them had a hard time dealing with. They had forgotten about the one person in both their lives who meant just as much to them as they meant to each other. They had left her alone and scared and she was lashing out in the only way she could to get their attention.

"BUFFY! DON'T!" She moved up quickly behind Buffy and watched as her raised fist stopped its descent. She gently put her hand on Buffy's arm and slowly lowered it back down to her side. "Dondo tdo this," she whispered hoarsely.

"I don't care... She has no right Faith... No right to say those things. You've never been anything but good to her. Never did anything but love her... It's not right..." Buffy hissed between clenched teeth her eyes never leaving her sister's.

"She's hurting, B."

"Fuck you Faith! I don't need your help." Dawn snarled from the floor still unable to let go of the rage. She wanted someone to hurt her, she deserved it, everything that had happened to twas was her fault.

Faith ignored Dawn as she felt Buffy tense up again, felt the rage grow hot again through their bond. She started to talk to Buffy as if it were just the two of them.

"What happened to us has hurt her too. She blames herself and she wants someone to hurt her to take away that guilt. I know. I was her. I know how she feels... She needs you, B... She thinks she's lost you. She thinks she's alone, has no one. Don't let pus push you away. Don't let her make the same mistakes I did. Don't let her do this to herself or to you. You know what she is feeling; you went through the same thing too. You need to help her, like you helped me."

Faith let go of Buffy's arm, she stepped back and looked down at Dawn. Their eyes locked for the first time since this had started. The war in her head still raged, but she was winning, the pain Dawn's words had caused still hurt, would for a long time and for the briefest second it all showed in her eyes.

Dawn felt the rage drain quickly from her as she stared into Faith's eyes. Her own eyes grew round with horror at what she had done; she felt her whole body flush with shame and guilt. Then in the blink of an eye the pain was gone from Faith's eyes and for the first time Dawn was treated up close and personally to the steely gaze, countenance that Faith had worn as a shield for most of her life and had shown to others, but never, not once, until now to her. Great wracking sobs rose up in her as she realized the damage she had just done.

Buffy watched almost unemotionally as her sister started to cry. She could feel the hurt coming from both Faith and from her sister. How had all this happened? How had things gone this far? How did it all spin so out of control again? How could the damage that had been done today ever be repaired? She was torn between comforting her mate and her sister and she 't 't know what to do. The decision was taken from her hands.

"Go to her B, she needs you now more than she ever has." Faith whispered, urging Buffy with her words and through their bond.

Buffy sunk down to her knees in front of Dawn, who looked at her through her tears, eyes wide with horror, fear, shame, loneliness and guilt that was endless. Guilt that was just as deep and horrendous as the guilt that both Slayers had felt over not being able to protect the other from what had happened to them. She pulled Dawn to her, holding her tightly, cooing to her and whispering soothing words as Dawn cried her her anguish.

Faith slowly walked backwards as she retreated from them towards the Immortals who stood hovering by the door, silent from shock and sorrow. She couldn't help right now, despite her understanding of what Dawn was going through, the need was still within her to lash out and she knew it wasn\er ter that could help or that Dawn needed right now. This time was for the sisters, this time was for Dawn and Buffy to start down their own path towards healing. Today was not the day to start the healing between Dawn and herself or the three of them together.

"Fade them back to the cottage... please." Faith whispered to all three Immortals. She waited until Dawn and Buffy were gone, then she turned around to face the Immortals. "I need to spar..." she hissed knowing she didn't need to offer an explanation to any of them. "Who's game...?" she asked them with a feral smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She stood with her hands on her hips staring down at the three sprawled Immortals on the floor in front of her. Her whole body shone with a fine coating of sweat, though she wasn't the least bit out of breath. A few drops of sweat made a slow trail down her neck to disappear into the neckline of her sleeveless shirt. Her hair was plastered to her head; her eyes sparkled with amusement and suppressed anger and pain. The feral grin from earlier was still playing nd hnd her lips.

"So who's ready for round five?" Faith laughed at the stunned look on their faces, they hadn't a chance against her right now and they all knew it.

That didn’t stop Mars from rising up from the floor with as much dignity his bloody, beaten body allowed him. He returned her feral smile and winced in pain when his split lip broke open again. He knew she didn't miss the wince when she quirked an eyebrow at him. He chuckled in amusement.

"A woman after my own heart... And a beautiful woman at that... You and I... are you sure you're not interested?" He teased Faith, wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively, then smiled again, hiding the pain, the protectiveness he felt for her behind it.

"I wouldn't let Gizmo hear you say that..." Lilith chucked, "I imagine she would rip you limb from limb!"

"Don't I know it... I would if I were her. 'Sides they are family and that would be just... What is it that mortals s. ah. ah yes... EWWW...." Mars chuckled again and reached down to help both Clotho and Lilith up to their feet.

"Are you all done joking now?" Faith watched them, the rage was still there and she needed to release it. This time though she was going to take it, own it and use it to her advantage.

The three Immortals stood facing her; she crouched down into a fighting stance. She stretched out a hand towards them palm up and wiggled her fingers at them, encouraging them to come and get her. She let out a low growl as they all came at her at once, then laughed as she flipped over them and landed gracefully behind all three of them.

"Kickin' your asses is so much fun!" Faith laughed, the feral grin once more gracing her face as the three startled Immortals turned around to face her with growls of their own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dawn clung tightly to Buffy, she sobbed from the depths of her soul as it all crashed down around her ears. The guilt, the anger and the shame she felt at what she had done today made her stomach twist into knots and her soul screech at her in horror. She started to cry evardearder when she thought of the betrayed, pain-filled, hurt look in Faith's eyes, then even harder when she realized that today she might have destroyed the precious, special bond that she had always shared with Faith.

The memories the monks had given her of Faith were all good, fun, loving ones. None of her memories of Faith were of the bad, the wrong, the evil she had done. She had only learned of those things by eavesdropping and then from her Mom when she had questioned her about them only a few months before she had died. There had to be a reason for that and though she wanted to deny it, she knew the Monks did it because even they knew that Faith, no matter how over to the dark side she may have gone, would never have hurt her. She wondered if maybe the Monks also had done it to give the Dark Slayer at least some good, loving memories of her own as well.

She started to tremble when she realized that she had done to Faith what almost every other person in Faith's life had done to her. She had taken out her rage, her anger, her hate, her guilt, her fears, her pain with words and fists on Faith. And Faith had let her and had taken all of Dawn's sins upon her own world-weary, already overburdened shoulders. Dawn could only wonder if this time Faith could carry the weight of them and she didn't think Faith deserved this nor did she want Faith to. As the enormity of what she did finally crashed into her, she twisted out of Buffy's arms and ran for the bathroom to get sick.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'b>

Buffy watched as her sister raced for the bathroom. Less then a second later, she heard Dawn get sick. Buffy's own stomach twisted into knots and she felt the bile rise up in the back of her throat. Her mind was a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. She was ashamed of her own part in all of this; she felt compassion for her sister who both she and Faith had left alone to deal with all of this on her own. On the other hand, she wanted to beat the living shit out of Dawn for what she had done to Faith, her mate, today. But her rage, her overwhelming need to physically hurt someone for all that had happened to both her and Faith and was still happening, was directed at two, no three people, a half demon, half human man, a deranged evil goddess and a sadistic human-mother, who were forever out of her reach. It was a rage, a fire, that could never be put out or quenched and Buffy was at a loss as to how to control it or rid herself of it.

How the hell had things gotten so fucked up again? What happened? How had this happened? How could she ever fix this? As she waited for her sister to come out of the bathroom she let her thoughts drift back to the time between when they had returned from LA and Faith had left to go find out what happened to the LA crew when they had seemingly vanished off the face of the earth. Her relationship with Faith had gradually been growing stronger, they had been slowly healing and forgiving each other for the multitude of sins they had both committed against each other. Not only she and Faith, but Dawn, Willow, Tara, Anya, Giles, and even Xander and Spike had spent time together getting to know who the real people were under the facades they all wore in life.

She had spent more time with her sister during that period than she had their whole lives and it was all due to Faith, who wanted to and had encouraged her to include her younger sister in what they did. They, she and Faith, had become more than just Dawn's sisters, or substitute parents, they had all become friends. The three of them hecomecome each other's true family and the rest of the Scooby Gang had been drawn slowly but surely into that family circle. They all had been happy then, it was one of the few times in her life that Buffy could say she had been truly deep down inside happy. The world then had been filled with such wonder, beauty, awe and joy. She had learned to see it again with the eyes of a child. That gift had been taught, given to her by not only her young sister, who had lost so much the past year and had learned so much abthe the real evils in the world, both mundane and supernatural. But by the woman who owned her heart and soul as well, Faith, for whom life had never given anything but pain, betrayal, and hurt to. Each of them had an innocence within them that even the evils of the world had been unable to corrupt.

When they had escaped from the hell they had been held captive in for seven months everything, including them, had changed. She had been determined to shield her young sister from all that had happened to both she and Faith. She didn't want Dawn to know the extent of what had been truly done to her, but my why what had been done to Faith. She had known that Dalamelamed herself for what had happened to them and she hadn't wanted to add to that guilt. It had been up to her when they returned to look to Dawn's needs, both physical and emotional. Faith certainly hadn't been in any condition to do it, she had been barely surviving herself. She had been thinking to spare her sister the knowledge, the pain that came along with knowing all that had happened, confident in her ability to dissuade her sister of her guilt without telling the total truth of it all and she had failed miserably, and once again, Faith had taken the brunt, the pain from her mistake.

As she sat and waited for Dawn to come out of the bathroom, Buffy finally realized that all her actions, her silence had done was to isolate her sister and add to her guilt. Instead of growing stronger, closer as a family during a time of crisis as she and Faith had during their captivity, she had succeeded in just distancing not only herself, but Faith as well, from Dawn. Slowly over time, it had torn them all apart until both she and Faith became nothing more than polite strangers to Dawn. And her young sister could only have assumed, as Buffy now knew she had, that she and Faith both placed the blame for what had happened to them on Dawn's young shoulders. They, she had left Dawn alone and frightened, left her to hear without explanation, Faith and herself in those first few weeks crying out in anguish and terror as the nightmares tore both of them apart as they slept. She knew the nightmare that Faith had the day of the BBQ had been the catalyst that had brought about what happened today.

She looked up as she heard her sister exit the bathroom. She returned the tentative, weak smile that Dawn gave her. Dawn's face was blotched from crying, eyes red-rimmed and full of regret, guilt and sorrow and Buffy could see with her Slayer sight that Dawn was trying to control the trembling of her limbs. She got up from the bed and slowly approached Dawn. She mat hat halfway across the room before she just opened her arms up to her younger sister, who in turn hurdled herself into them with the impact of eighteen-wheeler. A soft, oof forced its way out of Buffy's mouth.

"I'm sorry... so sorry Buffy... for everything... I'm sorry." Dawn gasped out between the tears that started to fall again.

"I know you are Dawnie. I'm sorry too." Buffy carefully extracted herself from her sister; she held her gently by her arms and waited for the tears to stop. "We need to talk about this. Are you ready to talk about it?"

Dawn looked into her sister's eyes expecting the worst, but all she saw was sorrow, guilt, compassion and love. She silently nodded yes to Buffy. They made their way together into the kitchen, Buffy motioned for Dawn to sit down, she grabbed a can out of soda out of the fridge for Dawn and then set about making a pot of coffee. Neither said a word as they waited for the coffee to brew. After what felt like an eternity to both of them, Buffy finally sat down opposite Dawn, cupping the steaming cup of coffee, she stared into it as if it held all the answers she was seeking. She finally raised her head and her eyes back up to Dawn.

"I'm not really sure where to start or even how to start. I know some of this is my fault and I know this goes back even to before... to when Mom died..." Buffy hesitated not sure where or how to go from there.

"Do you hate me?" Dawn could barely get the words out; they were just slightly above a whisper. The thought that her sister could hate her, or that Faith hated her now, after what she had done, terrified her. She would do anything to take back what she said.

"No Dawn. I could never hate you no matter what. You’re my sister. I love you. Not just because you're my sister but because you're my friend as well and I guess lately I haven't been doing too well in either department at least not where you're concerned. Do you hate me? Do you hate Faith?" She held her breath waiting for Dawn to answer her. Just like Dawn, the thought that her sister hated her or even Faith for that matter, terrified her.

"No!" Dawn barely whispered out, then more forcefully she said it again, "NO! I could never hate you, hate Faith, not after what you did, what she did for me. Never..."

"Then why? Can you tell me what happened today?"

Dawn sat completely still trying to put some kind of order to her thoughts, order to all that she was feeling and she wasn't sure if she could, she opened and closed her mouth but nothing wanted to come out.

Buffy watched as Dawn struggled, she knew how she felt, when nothing seemed to make sense. Not what you were feeling, not your actions, when your mouth took on a life of its own and spouted out things your heart and soul knew were wrong.n thn the world seemed to be spinning around you in fast forward and you were standing still.

"I know how you feel Dawnie. Just start wherever you feel comfortable. Okay?"

"Okay," Dawn smiled at her sister, feeling for the first time since Buffy and Faith had gotten back from Glory's hell that her sister was actually here with her. At first, she was hesitant to tell her all that she had felt, starting way back when their Mom had first gotten sick, then the words just started pouring out of her and she couldn't have stopped them even had she wanted to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy didn't say anything for long minutes after Dawn finished. She wanted to kick the shit out of herself for being so blind to what her sister had been and still was feeling. She shook her head slightly, beating herself up over the past wasn't going to help anything, the goal was to take steps to change what was happening now and to make sure that it didn't happen again. And the first step she needed to take was to be honest with her sister. To stop treating her like a two-year-old and start treating her like the young adult, sister and friend that she actually was. She focused her eyes on Dawn again and gave her a small smile.

"I didn't know Dawn. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't know that you were feeling this way. I was too caught up in what I was feeling to notice what you were going through. I wish I could change it, but I know I can't. I can only hope that you can forgive me. This isn't all your fault and it isn't all mine. We both made mistakes and I can only hope that we will learn from it and not make the same mistakes again. I wasn't trying to push you away, not really. I was trying to protect you and if I am honest I was trying to protect myself as well..."

Buffy stopped for a few seconds. Dawn smiled at her, nodded her head encouraging Buffy to continue. Buffy couldn't help but to wonder when her sister had grown up. She started to talk again, slowly at first and just like Dawn, the words started to pour out and she couldn't have stopped them even if she wanted to. She started even further back than Dawn did, trying as best as she could to explain, but not excuse what she did. Letting Dawn know that what she had done was out of love and determination to make sure that Dawn had the growing up experiences that she never could have after she had been called and became the Slayer.

She wanted for Dawn that which she never had after she had been called and she didn't want the fact that she, that she and Faith were Slayers to interfere with that. She wanted her sister to have a normal life, something until now Buffy had always thought she couldn't even come close to for herself. As she spoke, she weaved in not only her own feelings but Faith's too. She explained to her sister the bond they shared, the ability they had to feel the other's thoughts and emotions. So not only did she explain what she had wanted for Dawn, but what Faith both felt for and wanted for Dawn as well.

Two things became very clear to Dawn while Buffy talked. Buffy had not sacrificed herself out of some twisted sense of honor, or noble duty as the Slayer. She had sacrificed herself because it was inconceivable to her to sacrifice her sister, for any reason, especially not when she could do something about it. Both she and Faith, all of them had done everything possible to make sure that no one had to die that night on the tower. When push came to shove and there wasn't any choice, Buffy did the only thing she could do, the only thing her heart would let her do, she gave her life for her sister's and Dawn knew that Faith would have made the very same sacrifice for her. It was who Buffy was, who both she and Faith were, they could no more change that then they could change their fingerprints.

The Monks may have created her. She might not be really real, or born in the sense that Buffy and everyone else in Dawn's life had been. Except for that one time when Buffy had thought that someone or something had cast a spell on their Mom to make her ill, not once, not ever had Buffy ever thought of her as other than real, as other than her sister and even more than a sister. To Buffy, and Dawn knew in her heart this held true for Faith as well, Dawn had always been real, always been her sister and this time when the tears fell, they were tears of joy. For the first time in her life, Dawn felt truly, wholly real.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy finally stopped talking when she came to what happened to both she and Faith after they went through the portal. It wasn't that she didn't want to tell Dawn about what happened. Well, in part it was. With all she was, she wanted to protect her sister from ever having to know what had happened to her and Faith in Glory's Hell. Neither Slayer had ever actually told anyone all or even a little of what had happened to them there. They had talked to each other about it and while the others could put some of it together on their own, they never had gone into any detail beyond what was necessary when they did have to talk about it.

She wasn't sure if she was strong enough to tell this alone, without Faith's support. Nor did she feel comfortable with the idea of telling what had happened to Faith there without Faith's consent. She knew she had to tell Dawn some of it. She couldn't just brush it off, the aftereffects and what had happened to both she and Faith there had affected Dawn as well. She needed to talk to Faith first before she went into this with Dawn and her instinct was telling her that this was something she should do with Faith present. She had to say something though; she didn't want Dawn to think that she was holding back, or distancing herself again. But those weren't the only reasons, no matter how hard she tried Buffy couldn't stop the words Dawn had yelled at her this afternoon from running riot through her mind.

"Dawn? Are you okay?" Buffy asked her, her voice full of concern.

"Yes and no. Thank you for telling me all this. This is the first time in a really long time that I feel like you are really here. You know what I mean?" Dawn spoke almost shyly, hesitantly.

She had expected her sister to rail at her, rant, yell. But Buffy had done none of those things. Instead, she had opened up to Dawn and told her everything, treating her as an adult and had shared her own insecurities and fears with her as well as Faith's. For the first time Dawn had a true appreciation of what it was like to be a Slayer, the pressure, the guilt, the weight of the responsibilities that lay on both her sister and Faith's shoulders. Their Mom dying had added new responsibilities, insecurities and pressures to Buffy's already overburdened shoulders. And Faith, when Buffy had finally come to her senses and realized what it was that she felt for the Dark Slayer, had done everything within her power to help Buffy shoulder that extra weight.

Dawn knew that Faith was the one responsible for bringing Buffy back into the game so to speak, she was the one that had made Buffy realize what she was doing by distancing herself from not only Dawn, but their family of friends and the world in general. Over the months, Faith had become the glue that held the three of them together as a family. Never having a real one herself, Faith had in essence taught not only Buffy, but Dawn as well, what a family should be, could be. And, before that night on the tower, they all had been making great strides towards becoming just that.

She took a deep breath when she saw Buffy was getting ready to start talking again. There was only one thing left to talk about now. Glory's Hell and the aftereffects of what had happened there, the source of almost all of Dawn's guilt, anger and fears.

"Dawn... I guess there is only one thing left to talk about now." Buffy paused and looked at her sister. She could see the emotions flashing across her face and knew Dawn understood what she meant. She smiled again at her in reassurance. Not sure if the reassuring smile was more for herself or more for Dawn, most likely it was for both of them. She was fighting against the need to shelter Dawn from this, but she knew she couldn't any longer, but she had no real intention of telling her anything until Faith was beside her and Dawn would just have to understand that for now.

"Dawn..." she began again, "I'm not going to tell you what happene Fai Faith and I after we went through the portal. At least not right now. It's a p a pretty story and there were things that happened there that only happened to Faith and I... Well, I think it should be her decision to tell you about it if she wants. And I would like her, no... actually, I need her here with me when we start to talk about this. I think the three of us all need to be together at least at first.

"...We, Faith and I are still learning to deal with all that happened. Still healing from it and probably will be for a long time. And until today when Faith pointed it out to me, I don't think I realized that this had affected you too, differently than us, but no less than us. We, neither of us meant to push you aside, we only sought to shield you, protect you from what happened. Or, rather I did, because Faith, at least up until a few weeks ago, here within this domain, wasn't capable of talking about any of it. Not even with me.

"...I want, need you to understand, neither of us blame you in any way for what happened to us there. Remember that and believe it. It took both of us a while to stop blaming ourselves for what happened there, and I'll be honest, every once in a while it sneaks back up on both of us, the guilt that is, and I imagine that it will for a long time to come. But I know, and Faith knows that neither one of us is to blame for what happened there, nor did either of us ever, not while we were there and not now, ever, once blame you for what happened. You need to sblamblaming yourself in order to start healing, in order for all of us to heal from what happened. If you want to blame someone than blame the ones that were responsible for what happened there. Blame Glory and Johnny. The blame falls totally and squarely on their depraved shoulders and no one else's."

Buffy paused for a second trying to compose herself. All the emotions those two names caused in her rose up inside of her threatening to overwhelm her. Two emotions more profound, more powerful than all the others battled with each other, absolute blinding white-hot rage and mind-numbing fear. They were holding her within their grasping hands then she felt an almost shadow-like touch of a hand running soothingly down from the top of her head to run phantom-like down the side of her face to rest gently on her cheek. The ghost of a thumb brushing along her cheekbone, comforting and calming her and she leaned into that elusive imaginary touch; and knew that it was Faith projecting the image, the emotions to her through their bond. Knew that Faith had felt what was happening solely through the Soul-Thread that bound them together for all eternity. The connection that even death couldn't sever.

She silently thanked Faith and felt an answer that was just simply love from her mate. Then the ghost touch was gone and silence reined again, as it had since she and Dawn had returned to cottage. Faith had blocked Buffy from her own internal turmoil over what had happened. And Buffy had respected that block and had not tried to force her way through it or plead through their bond from her side for Faith to drop the blocks. She knew Faith was doing it so that she wouldn't be distracted from working through this with Dawn and because both she and Faith were trying to work through their own conflicting emotions over what had happened today.

Once more feeling under control Buffy locked her gaze with her sister. There was a few things she did want to say before the three of them sat down together to talk and she knew that Faith would stop her from saying them so she was going to say them now.

Dawn watched as Buffy's eyes grew hard and she felt a little bit of fear creep through her. She knew who she was looking at now, isn'sn't her sister, it wasn't the Slayer and it wasn't Buffy. It was Faith's soul-mate and she braced herself for whatever was to come, because she knew she deserved it.

"Dawn..." Buffy kept her eye's locked with Dawn's, she wanted to make sure she had Dawn's complete attention before she continued. "I almost seriously hurt you today. I... Faith and I... both of us, we've become... While we were in that Hell, became almost feral about protecting each other. If it wasn't for Faith today I would have hurt you physically, Dawn. I wasn't seeing you, my sister that I love. All I was seeing was that Faith was being hurt, it didn't matter that it wasn't physical hurt. All I knew was that Faith was being hurt and that you were the one hurting her. And I wanted to make you hurt in return. I'd like to think I could have stopped myself before that happened but I'm not sure I could have and I know I would have never been able to forgive or live with mysif Iif I had hurt you today. I know, had you done something like this a few weeks ago, I probably would have ripped you limb from limb and not even Faith could have stopped me. I'm not saying this to frighten you, I think I'm telling you more to frighten myself." Buffy paused to let what she said sink in. After a minute, Dawn nodded to her to continue, she knew Buffy wasn't finished.

"I know you didn't mean what you said today. But what you said hurt Faith, hurt her a lot. Your words hurt me too and they reminded me of my own failure. My failure at being unable to protect Faith when we were being held captive, they reminded me that no one has ever protected her ever, not even when she was li..." Buffy trailed off, it wasn't for her to tell Dawn about that part of Faith's life, that was for Faith to decide. She continued in an even softer voice almost as if she were talking to herself and not Dawn.

"...I was unable to protect her at all when we were there, while she practically... No, not practically, she did. She sacrificed herself to protect me. It's a debt I can never repay. Ever. Faith figured out the second day that we were there what it was that Glory fed on, thrived on. She fed on our fears, she could read what your greatest fears were just by touching you and then she made them a reality. And Faith, she knew that and after that first day Faith's greatest fear changed, and her greatest fear became that Glory, that he would do to me what had until our second day there been Faith's greatest fear for herself...

"...And somehow... I... I don't know, ow, she managed to keep that from Glory. And through sheer strength of will, managed to manipulate both Glory and him to divert almost all of their attention onto her. Dawn, if it wasn't for Faith, what happened to me there would have been a thousand times worse. And I don't know if I could have survived it. I owe her my life Dawn. I don't know what she is going to tell you and what she isn't but don't push her. No matter what she does or doesn't tell you I want you to know this. She did everything, in every sense of the word, including literally, within her power to protect me and beyond. I would have given my life to protect her Dawnie and she would have given hers for me as well. Dying would have been easy compared to what she did give in order to protect me. We both have scarom tom this, the type of scars that you can't see, the kind of scars that you carry with you for the rest of your life. But the scars I carry aren't nearly as deep as they would have been if it wasn't for Faith. I... I..."

There was nothing left that she could say, some of this she had never even said to Faith and the bitter taste of her failure to protect Faith rose up strong in the back of her throat. This was something she knew would haunt her for the rest of her days. Tears slipped unknowingly from her eyes as she thought of the sacrifices that Faith had made for her and she let herself cry for Faith and for herself. Feeling with each tear that fell the weight of this ghost that haunted her begin to lighten its hold on her soul. She felt Dawn's arms come around her, holding her tightly and she sobbed into her younger sister's shirt and then she felt the touch of her soul-mate within her again.

And she found that with the touch of the two people that meant the most to her in the world, one whose arms were holding her now and the other who could touch her very soul through the thread that bound their souls, Buffy felt the familiar, welcomed warmth that was simply home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Continued in Chapter XXXI – Promises (Part D)