The Silent Urge Series
folder
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
49
Views:
25,251
Reviews:
182
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
1
Category:
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
49
Views:
25,251
Reviews:
182
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
1
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
46 - D: Choices
+++
++
+
TSUS 46 - Choices
~ Xander ~
I wake up with my face buried against Angel's chest, his arms wrapped around me, our legs entwined.
It feels good. Better even than yesterday. I feel like I belong.
I don't want to move, don't want to think, don't want to do anything. I just want to lie here like this and enjoy the feeling. I haven't felt this protected since... Spike. His name sets off a deep yearning inside me. Suddenly I feel ripped open and like I can't breathe. Distressed I try to free myself from Angel's arm but his embrace only gets stronger, holds me tighter against him.
"Breathe, boy. Breathe." Angel says and puts his leg up over my hip, pulls me flush against him. I can't decide if it's an uncomfortable or a safe feeling to be in his arms against my will. "You've got to calm down. It's only another hour until sundown and we'll be out of here. Only one hour of holding yourself together and you'll be back with Spike. Alright?"
I want to nod but can't. I breathe hard, long, uneven pulls of air to calm down my hammering heart. Angel strokes over my back and I concentrate on the motion of his fingers.
"I need Spike now." I say and sound like a stupid kid, but I have my reasons. Spike is not purely an emotional addiction anymore - I need him physically. I need his blood.
„As soon as the sun sets, we’re out of here and on our way to Spike. I’ll take you both with me to L. A.“ Angel says and I feel his breath puff against my forehead. Slowly I raise my eyes up to his. „We’ll see from there.“
Angel has brown eyes, gold dances in them like fire and it’s fascinating to look into them, to let myself be swallowed by them. I bite my lower lip when a tingling starts in my belly. Something wicked just woke up inside of me and crawls up to the surface. I flick my tongue out, wet my lower lip, watch Angel watching me. He swallows hard and parts his lips, draws in a breath.
„Xander.“ He warns.
Daringly I push my hips forward, just a tiny swing, but it has its effect. Angel’s eyes shatter into gold completely and he groans, no, growls, really.
„You don’t know what you’re asking for, boy.“ He says and I see his teeth are elongated. I remember how it felt to have Spike’s canines buried inside of me, remember the pain it brought at first that grew to unbearable pleasure. I want that again. That feeling of totally losing myself to someone else, to be completed and nonexistent at the same time. Is it wrong to want that from Angel? It doesn’t feel wrong. I just want.
„I’m hungry.“ I beg - half excuse and half justification for my behaviour.
„No, you’re not.“
„But I want-“
„What you want is your mate, your Master.“ Angel says and flips us. My legs fall open and Angel settles in between them. I moan when our cocks, equally hard, touch through layers of clothes. Angel grabs onto my hair and pulls my head back, he bares my throat and I buck up at him the moment he presses his mouth against my skin.
„Please-“ I whimper.
„It’s just the blood calling out to you.“ Angel explains with a rough voice, his tongue feels like wet velvet when he licks across the pulse point. „It’s just instinct – hunger and lust – you haven’t had enough to be atuned to more than the bloodline. You’re not able yet to feel the differences between Spike and me.“ I try to listen, really I try, but Angel keeps working his hips and it makes me dizzy with need for more. „Can you imagine what it’d do to you if I got involved now, what’d happen if I’d taste you, drink you and feed you now?“ He asks and then sucks my skin into his mouth hard, holds it between his teeth barely on the edge of gentleness.
I don’t dare breathe.
I have no answer for him. I have no idea what I’m doing at all. I’m the plaything of two vampires and I haven’t felt so good in all my life. They take away the responsibility, the pain and the emptiness inside of me. They hold me, they care for me and nurse me with everything they have to offer.
It’s not my choice. It was never my choice.
It doesn’t even feel like a choice - just feels right.
„Angel.“ I whisper and something seems to break inside of me. „Angel.“ I touch his face and he opens his mouth, lets my skin slowly slide from between his teeth with a small sound of mourning. Eventually, he looks at me.
„It’s alright.“ I tell him and feel sure and secure, sincere and solid. „Everything’s going to work out.“ I tell him and he looks at me, stunned. Gently, I pull his face down to mine and don’t hesitate anymore to kiss him. Just a brush of lips to lips, warm and reassuring.
„You don’t understand… I can’t help you. Spike, he’d think of it as betrayal and I don’t want to… to lose him again.“ Whoa, looks like it took Big-dark-and-broody a lot to admit that. The moment we had – anyway – is gone. Angel moves until he sits on the edge of the bed, broad back to me, ellbows on his knees. He stares at the carpet.
„Angel, you don’t understand. I’m sorry, okay, I’m not… not in control sometimes. When the Urge gets me I forget about Sp- the most important things and do something stupid. You wouldn’t- I mean you pulled back, you wouldn’t have… taken advantage of me.“ God, I’m back to being the damsel in distress. I roll my eyes. Angel snorts and I’d laugh if the situation wasn’t so fucking ridiculous. I’m lying in Giles‘ bed half-hard with a nearly naked souled vampire beside me who regrets that he can’t feed me because he feels bad interfering with his soulless childe’s bond. Maybe I should also add that a day ago I hated his guts and wouldn’t have minded seeing him take a sun bath. It’s a mad world.
„About the Urge.“ Angel starts and he chooses his words carefully. „It’s more than an addiction. You’re claimed. Spike claimed you as his Pet. He’s giving you some kind of choice with that.“
„What? I thought this was an until-death-do-us-part thing?“ I stammer, unenthusiastic about this revelation.
„You’re strong, you can live through a separation.“
Unbelievingly I shake my head vehemently. „You’re not trying this again!“
„What?“ Angel gets on his feet, turns around and he looks scared?
„You’re trying to make me give up Spike.“
„No.“
„You suck so much. At first you get all soul-y over ‚betrayal’ and now you try to talk me out of it again!“
„No, I’m not. I just want you to know there is a choice!“
„But-“
„NO – you listen to me. Even Spike wanted you to have a choice or he’d have claimed you as a Mate right off. Don’t you get it? Get this? This isn’t some romantic Anne Rice novel-“
„Oh really? I didn’t realize that the moment I woke up alone with my neck and ass torn open, puking blood everywhere!“
„Xand-“
„Shut up and listen to me just once. I know what I want: I want Spike. I want my life with Spike and we‘ll see how far that’ll go AND there might even be a place for you if you want it and get the fuck over yourself.“
„But-“
„No, just no. I get it, okay. You and Spike, both of you got turned without knowing what would happen and what it makes you. In retrospect it didn’t work out well for either of you. You both were bloodthirsty monsters who got off on violence and destruction, BUT you both changed – your soul and his chip – you both fight on the other side now. And it has nothing to do with all those reasons the watchers’ diaries are filled with. It’s not because of love or the soul, the chip or even to make up for the sins.“
Questioningly Angel looks at me while I pause to gulp in some air to continue.
It’s because you’re fucking lonely and don’t have a purpose as a baddy. It’s boring to be the bad guy after a while because there is no real enemy. A Slayer? You could shoot her from 500 yrds away with modern weapons. There’s no real challenge, no real risk for someone who has been on this planet as long as you have. But to fight against an almighty foe alone – that really makes life, or in your cases unlife, special and exciting. You both need a purpose, something to fill eternity with and you both found it fighting the good fight. I’m not giving in to the dark side because I want to be with Spike or you – I’m fighting the same fight and I only make you stronger because I’m one of the good guys, too.“
I guess you can call that a revelation. At least Angel finally seems to understand my motivation. Maybe he even understands his own reasons for his eternal fight better now.
Slowly, Angel nods and seeks out my gaze. „I just wanted you to have a chance for the white picket fence.“ He says resigned and sighs. „Whatever I, or we do, we won’t have that ever. It’s fighting and worrying and fighting forever and you get tired of it sometimes.“
I smile and go over to him. Standing right before him, in his personal space so I can practically feel his body close to mine, I say. „For me a white picket fence was never more than something to break a wooden weapon from and save others or my own life.“
I close the distance between us and let myself be embraced.
I don’t even try to pull back when the door opens and Giles comes in. I swallow the comment about polite English people and their knocking habits because he looks grim enough already.
„We’re out of here with the sundown.“ Angel says without preamble and I nod, cheek against his unclad shoulder.
„Well, there‘s something we want to do to make sure Xander is and will be alright before you leave. Therefore, we all have to go over to the Summer’s house. I’m sure you’ll have time for this before you leave.“ Giles tries to sound friendly, but the command is loud and clear. Whatever he throws at us, we’ll manage. I just hope Spike will be patient enough to wait for us. I don’t want him in danger because of some heroic rescue attempt.
_______________tbc_________________
I hope we're done with the fuzzy feelings for a while now. Next chapters will have some more action! YAY.
Aaaaaaand tropicwhale: funniest comment ever.
+
++
+++
++
+
TSUS 46 - Choices
~ Xander ~
I wake up with my face buried against Angel's chest, his arms wrapped around me, our legs entwined.
It feels good. Better even than yesterday. I feel like I belong.
I don't want to move, don't want to think, don't want to do anything. I just want to lie here like this and enjoy the feeling. I haven't felt this protected since... Spike. His name sets off a deep yearning inside me. Suddenly I feel ripped open and like I can't breathe. Distressed I try to free myself from Angel's arm but his embrace only gets stronger, holds me tighter against him.
"Breathe, boy. Breathe." Angel says and puts his leg up over my hip, pulls me flush against him. I can't decide if it's an uncomfortable or a safe feeling to be in his arms against my will. "You've got to calm down. It's only another hour until sundown and we'll be out of here. Only one hour of holding yourself together and you'll be back with Spike. Alright?"
I want to nod but can't. I breathe hard, long, uneven pulls of air to calm down my hammering heart. Angel strokes over my back and I concentrate on the motion of his fingers.
"I need Spike now." I say and sound like a stupid kid, but I have my reasons. Spike is not purely an emotional addiction anymore - I need him physically. I need his blood.
„As soon as the sun sets, we’re out of here and on our way to Spike. I’ll take you both with me to L. A.“ Angel says and I feel his breath puff against my forehead. Slowly I raise my eyes up to his. „We’ll see from there.“
Angel has brown eyes, gold dances in them like fire and it’s fascinating to look into them, to let myself be swallowed by them. I bite my lower lip when a tingling starts in my belly. Something wicked just woke up inside of me and crawls up to the surface. I flick my tongue out, wet my lower lip, watch Angel watching me. He swallows hard and parts his lips, draws in a breath.
„Xander.“ He warns.
Daringly I push my hips forward, just a tiny swing, but it has its effect. Angel’s eyes shatter into gold completely and he groans, no, growls, really.
„You don’t know what you’re asking for, boy.“ He says and I see his teeth are elongated. I remember how it felt to have Spike’s canines buried inside of me, remember the pain it brought at first that grew to unbearable pleasure. I want that again. That feeling of totally losing myself to someone else, to be completed and nonexistent at the same time. Is it wrong to want that from Angel? It doesn’t feel wrong. I just want.
„I’m hungry.“ I beg - half excuse and half justification for my behaviour.
„No, you’re not.“
„But I want-“
„What you want is your mate, your Master.“ Angel says and flips us. My legs fall open and Angel settles in between them. I moan when our cocks, equally hard, touch through layers of clothes. Angel grabs onto my hair and pulls my head back, he bares my throat and I buck up at him the moment he presses his mouth against my skin.
„Please-“ I whimper.
„It’s just the blood calling out to you.“ Angel explains with a rough voice, his tongue feels like wet velvet when he licks across the pulse point. „It’s just instinct – hunger and lust – you haven’t had enough to be atuned to more than the bloodline. You’re not able yet to feel the differences between Spike and me.“ I try to listen, really I try, but Angel keeps working his hips and it makes me dizzy with need for more. „Can you imagine what it’d do to you if I got involved now, what’d happen if I’d taste you, drink you and feed you now?“ He asks and then sucks my skin into his mouth hard, holds it between his teeth barely on the edge of gentleness.
I don’t dare breathe.
I have no answer for him. I have no idea what I’m doing at all. I’m the plaything of two vampires and I haven’t felt so good in all my life. They take away the responsibility, the pain and the emptiness inside of me. They hold me, they care for me and nurse me with everything they have to offer.
It’s not my choice. It was never my choice.
It doesn’t even feel like a choice - just feels right.
„Angel.“ I whisper and something seems to break inside of me. „Angel.“ I touch his face and he opens his mouth, lets my skin slowly slide from between his teeth with a small sound of mourning. Eventually, he looks at me.
„It’s alright.“ I tell him and feel sure and secure, sincere and solid. „Everything’s going to work out.“ I tell him and he looks at me, stunned. Gently, I pull his face down to mine and don’t hesitate anymore to kiss him. Just a brush of lips to lips, warm and reassuring.
„You don’t understand… I can’t help you. Spike, he’d think of it as betrayal and I don’t want to… to lose him again.“ Whoa, looks like it took Big-dark-and-broody a lot to admit that. The moment we had – anyway – is gone. Angel moves until he sits on the edge of the bed, broad back to me, ellbows on his knees. He stares at the carpet.
„Angel, you don’t understand. I’m sorry, okay, I’m not… not in control sometimes. When the Urge gets me I forget about Sp- the most important things and do something stupid. You wouldn’t- I mean you pulled back, you wouldn’t have… taken advantage of me.“ God, I’m back to being the damsel in distress. I roll my eyes. Angel snorts and I’d laugh if the situation wasn’t so fucking ridiculous. I’m lying in Giles‘ bed half-hard with a nearly naked souled vampire beside me who regrets that he can’t feed me because he feels bad interfering with his soulless childe’s bond. Maybe I should also add that a day ago I hated his guts and wouldn’t have minded seeing him take a sun bath. It’s a mad world.
„About the Urge.“ Angel starts and he chooses his words carefully. „It’s more than an addiction. You’re claimed. Spike claimed you as his Pet. He’s giving you some kind of choice with that.“
„What? I thought this was an until-death-do-us-part thing?“ I stammer, unenthusiastic about this revelation.
„You’re strong, you can live through a separation.“
Unbelievingly I shake my head vehemently. „You’re not trying this again!“
„What?“ Angel gets on his feet, turns around and he looks scared?
„You’re trying to make me give up Spike.“
„No.“
„You suck so much. At first you get all soul-y over ‚betrayal’ and now you try to talk me out of it again!“
„No, I’m not. I just want you to know there is a choice!“
„But-“
„NO – you listen to me. Even Spike wanted you to have a choice or he’d have claimed you as a Mate right off. Don’t you get it? Get this? This isn’t some romantic Anne Rice novel-“
„Oh really? I didn’t realize that the moment I woke up alone with my neck and ass torn open, puking blood everywhere!“
„Xand-“
„Shut up and listen to me just once. I know what I want: I want Spike. I want my life with Spike and we‘ll see how far that’ll go AND there might even be a place for you if you want it and get the fuck over yourself.“
„But-“
„No, just no. I get it, okay. You and Spike, both of you got turned without knowing what would happen and what it makes you. In retrospect it didn’t work out well for either of you. You both were bloodthirsty monsters who got off on violence and destruction, BUT you both changed – your soul and his chip – you both fight on the other side now. And it has nothing to do with all those reasons the watchers’ diaries are filled with. It’s not because of love or the soul, the chip or even to make up for the sins.“
Questioningly Angel looks at me while I pause to gulp in some air to continue.
It’s because you’re fucking lonely and don’t have a purpose as a baddy. It’s boring to be the bad guy after a while because there is no real enemy. A Slayer? You could shoot her from 500 yrds away with modern weapons. There’s no real challenge, no real risk for someone who has been on this planet as long as you have. But to fight against an almighty foe alone – that really makes life, or in your cases unlife, special and exciting. You both need a purpose, something to fill eternity with and you both found it fighting the good fight. I’m not giving in to the dark side because I want to be with Spike or you – I’m fighting the same fight and I only make you stronger because I’m one of the good guys, too.“
I guess you can call that a revelation. At least Angel finally seems to understand my motivation. Maybe he even understands his own reasons for his eternal fight better now.
Slowly, Angel nods and seeks out my gaze. „I just wanted you to have a chance for the white picket fence.“ He says resigned and sighs. „Whatever I, or we do, we won’t have that ever. It’s fighting and worrying and fighting forever and you get tired of it sometimes.“
I smile and go over to him. Standing right before him, in his personal space so I can practically feel his body close to mine, I say. „For me a white picket fence was never more than something to break a wooden weapon from and save others or my own life.“
I close the distance between us and let myself be embraced.
I don’t even try to pull back when the door opens and Giles comes in. I swallow the comment about polite English people and their knocking habits because he looks grim enough already.
„We’re out of here with the sundown.“ Angel says without preamble and I nod, cheek against his unclad shoulder.
„Well, there‘s something we want to do to make sure Xander is and will be alright before you leave. Therefore, we all have to go over to the Summer’s house. I’m sure you’ll have time for this before you leave.“ Giles tries to sound friendly, but the command is loud and clear. Whatever he throws at us, we’ll manage. I just hope Spike will be patient enough to wait for us. I don’t want him in danger because of some heroic rescue attempt.
_______________tbc_________________
I hope we're done with the fuzzy feelings for a while now. Next chapters will have some more action! YAY.
Aaaaaaand tropicwhale: funniest comment ever.
+
++
+++