So Damn Domestic

Lehane Household. Present Time. BPOV


I really, really love days like this. When I have nothing to worry about, and I’m in bed with the warm sun shining right on the bed, and I’m snuggled against Faith. We’re both awake, have been for a long time. Long enough to have gotten up, make breakfast, feed the kids, have Faith’s dad pick them up, brush our teeth, then jump back into bed and spend almost two hours making love before we finally came. Like I said before, I really love days like this. They are very few and far between, but when they happen it’s better then heaven. And I should know. Being here with her, just enjoying the afterglow, and being snuggled against her...I love it more then words can describe.


Her skin is just so soft and smooth, and I think I have a little obsession with it. I don’t know how she gets it so damn soft. I use the same skin products as she does. Ok, different fragrances but same brand. It just doesn’t make sense. And I love her skin tone. I’m the typical California girl, tan in the summer death white in the winter. And compared to her I always look death white. I guess the softness and smoothness is just as natural as the nice tone. And I don’t know what fragrance she uses because I can’t pronounce the name, but it’s spicy, with just a tiny bit of sweetness, and then a smell all her own, and every time I smell it I want to eat her up. And that’s what I was doing about half an hour ago.


We made each other scream so loud I was sure the neighbors were going to call the cops. But at the same time I didn’t care. It’s not like the cops could arrest us for having hot lesbian sex in the middle of the day just because our screams disrupted the simple lives of the people around us. Ok, that’s mean, some of them have become my friends. Why am I thinking about them again? I can’t remember. Especially now that Faith is gently running her hand up and down my back. I feel like I’m going to start purring or something it feels so good. It’s still so weird to me the fact that we’ve been together for all these years and we haven’t tired of each other. Her holding me like this after mind blowing sex makes me feel just as special when she held me after the first time we had sex together.


I don’t know why it’s so strange to me. Maybe because my mom and dad weren’t exactly the definition of a happy couple. It isn’t just the secretary that I’m talking about either. They were unhappy for a long time, and then my mom found out about the affair and my dad chose the secretary and Spain over his family. But I’m not worried about that. For one thing Faith doesn’t even have a secretary and trust me she never will. And for another thing we still love each other so much. Before when we were unhappy and I kicked her out we were just in a rut, and it could happen again but I know if it does we’ll fight like hell to get through it.


“What are you thinkin about?” she asks, and because she’s tired her Boston accent is a lot thicker. I’ve always thought it was kind of cute, but she’s bound and determined to get rid of it. I don’t know why, I guess she just doesn’t want to be reminded of where she grew up. I don’t know why she asked me that. I must’ve tensed up or something and she felt it because Faith doesn’t usually start the post love making conversations. ‘Post love making conversations’? How much of a girly-girl am I? I don’t really want to answer her honestly because she gets really upset whenever she thinks about the time we spent apart and what she walked in on that time she dropped Matthew off at the house.


“Not much,” I tell her and kiss the very top of her breast. She gently strokes the arm that I have wrapped around her and kisses the top of my head. I need to give her a better answer because she’s never going to believe that. I can practically feel the wheels churning in her head. She’s probably trying to come up with a way to ask me about it some more without it turning into a big fight. “Sometimes I just can’t believe how my life has turned out. As slayers we weren’t supposed to live passed our early twenties, and now we’re in our early thirties and mothers of three, and I have a gorgeous wife, and I’m actually happy. There for a while I thought I’d never be happy again.” It’s true, after I was brought back I thought I’d never be able to feel anything but misery. At least not unless I was being fucked by Spike.


“Don’t think about him,” she says in a forceful tone. What the hell was that about? I lean up a little bit so I can see her face and I give her a very questioning look. “Whenever you think about Spike you always get a shiver down you back. Just don’t think about him after we’ve had sex, alright?” I should argue with her, tell her that I can think about whoever I want whenever I want and that she isn’t the boss of me, because it’s all true. Even though we’re married I’m still my own person and she doesn’t have the right to tell me what to do. But for now I’ll let it go. I have grown in so many ways, learning to let things go is one of them. I rest my head on her shoulder again and I gently rub her side. Maybe this will sooth the savage beast.


“I didn’t mean to think about him, but I was so mixed up then, and whenever I think about it I can’t help but think about him. It just happens.” It does just happen. I don’t want to be thinking about Spike when I’m basking in the afterglow of hot sex with my wife, but it just happened. She lets out a deep, frustrated sigh and I know that no matter what she says I have to stay calm or else a fight will break out.


“I was pretty fucked up too, but you don’t see me thinking about my one-nighter with Xander a tribute every time I think about my past.” I can’t believe she just fucking said that. She knows how upset I get whenever she mentions that. Not that she has a lot. Twice back when we were still dating, and that was it. The thought of her and Xander together...it almost made me sick because it meant something to him, and she had just used him. So she hasn’t brought it up in so fucking long. And now she’s throwing it in my face just to make a point. I move out of her arms and lean up again so I can see her face and she looks mad.


“Fuck you.” It’s the only thing I can think of to say. I roll back to my side of the bed, passed the invisible line that runs down the center of the mattress and bedspread, and I turn my back to her. I can’t look at her right now. She just can’t understand what I was going through, and I can’t expect her to. Nobody knows what’s it like to be in heaven, and then ripped out of it to be put back on this earth, especially after everything I’d been through before Glory. I don’t expect her to understand what it was like for me, but I expect her to at least understand that I was going through a hard time, and as much as used to pain me to admit I needed Spike. All of the things that we used to do it helped me deal with what was going on.


“I can’t believe you’re still acting like a victim about all that shit, B. If anyone’s a victim in all that it’s Spike. Just get over yourself already.” She’s up and out of the room before I can say anything. I don’t feel like getting up and chasing after her to fight. What went so wrong? Not even five minutes ago I was snuggled in her arms and we were happy, basking in the afterglow of great sex. And now we’re pissed at each other and she’s somewhere else in the house doing God knows what. I knew I should have lied and said I was thinking about something else. Why didn’t I just listen to myself before I opened my mouth?


Wait...why am I blaming this on myself? She’s the one who’s being a bitch. We’re married now, why can’t she just let the Spike thing go? He was an important part of my life, but she’s more important, doesn’t she get that? And I think she’s still jealous of Angel. Our relationship ended how long ago, and she’s still trying to compete with him? I only thing that because sometimes when we make love she’ll lick or bite at the scar on my neck from the time he fed off of me. Even if it’s covered by the makeup she’ll still go for it. I just don’t get her. I don’t understand why she’s so jealous. They don’t even live near us, we only talk around the holidays, and on birthdays so what is the big deal?


She drives me so insane sometimes, ya know? But I love her, I can’t live without her, but she was in the wrong here so I have nothing to apologize for. You read it, she’s the one that got all pissy and bossed me around a little bit. She knows I only like being bossed around when it’s in a sexy way and that was not a sexy way. I don’t think I’m ever going to understand her jealousy of them, but the least she could do is try to control herself. If she doesn’t want me thinking about Spike after we’ve had sex then I won’t, but she doesn’t have to be so damn mean about it. That was completely uncalled for.


Now that I’m thinking about this more and more I can’t help but start to feel panicked. Ok, just calm down Buffy, you’re fine, everything is going to be fine. She’ll apologize and you’ll have makeup sex, and everything will go back to normal. The reason I’m panicking is because me and Faith have been fighting a lot more then normal lately. Not big screaming matches or anything but little fights, like we just had. And not just when we’re alone, but in front of other people too, and out in public. I can’t help but think that my marriage is in danger. I love her too much to breakup. Oh no, it wouldn’t just be breaking up, it would be getting a divorce. I don’t want to get a divorce. That’s one of the last things I ever want to happen.


We just need to start communicating better, that’s all. I should start asking her why she’s jealous of Spike and Angel, instead of getting pissed and turning my back on her. But Faith isn’t exactly the ‘talk about my feelings’ type. And I know this is going to sound insane, but I think she’s getting snippy with me a lot because she’s guilty about something. Insane, right? I know Faith wouldn’t cheat on me or anything like that, so why would she feel guilty? No, this is just my insecurities talking, and trying to get me angry and jealous so I’ll start a big fight. I don’t want to start fighting with her like we were before.


I don’t want to separate and I know if I go in there right now to try and work this out it will turn into a huge fight and one of us will end up leaving, and I think this time it will be me. I know if we get into a screaming match right now I will leave. I won’t be able to stay in this house with all of our memories, all of the pictures of us and the kids either on the dressers or hanging on the walls. So I’m going to stay in here and wait for both of us to calm down. Why can’t I just stay happy? Why does something always have to come along a ruin it?


WPOV


She doesn’t want to come back anymore. As I sit here all alone, deep in the woods hidden away from everyone at the slayer school all I can think about is how the love of my life doesn’t want to come back to me. I’ve been talking to her since Kennedy left me, she’s been helping me through it, and she wanted to come back, and now she doesn’t. She told me she was being selfish, and that there’s someone on this earth that’s right for me, someone who will make me happier then I’ve ever been in my life. I told her that isn’t possible, that I’ll never be able to be truly happy without her by my side. Then she explained that what we had we can never have again, and that she’s missed so much, and her coming back just to be with me would be completely selfish. So Tara doesn’t want to come back, and now I’m all alone.


I gather up the crystals that are needed when contacting the dimension that Tara’s in. It’s a great place, and I’m glad she’s there. It isn’t like where Buffy was. Buffy said that nothing had form, but where Tara is there’s form. Apparently she’s living in a huge mansion that over looks an ocean and everyday she walks on the warm sand, and I can just imagine it. Her hair shining gold as she walks down the beach, her skin slightly tan from doing it everyday. Her crystal blue eyes so full of happiness. I’m the selfish one for asking her to give that all up just to come back here.


I put the crystals in the leather pouch that I made one day in the arts and crafts class that was added not too long ago. I guess some of the girls have artistic backgrounds and they wanted a chance to express that. Sometimes I join in the class just to make sure that everything goes smooth, and that the girls are actually learning something. Once seven crystal are in the bag I stand up and brush off my jeans and wipe away my tears. I think I should be crying more then this. Tara said she doesn’t want to come back to me, I should be sobbing, I shouldn’t be able to stand up, but for some reason it doesn’t feel like the end of the world. It probably will later on. I always have a feeling of peace after I talk to Tara, but when that wears off I’ll get upset and won’t be able to get out of bed.


I walk back to the school and sit down on a bench along one of the paths. I sit here a lot because it’s not far from the pond that I had Giles put in. I don’t know why I wanted a pond, I just did. I never expected that we’d get a flock of ducks that spot by every once in a while, but we do, and the girls like feeding them. Mostly I like sitting here because it’s kind of far from the school itself so its quiet and peaceful. I come out here a lot when I need to clear my head. Its like my little escape from reality. I need it, a lot more then I used to, and a lot more then I’m willing to admit. I just can’t stand to be alone every second of the day. Even if I’m surrounded by people I feel all alone. The worst part is at night. Going home to an empty apartment, and then going to sleep with an empty bed are just two things that are starting to drive me a little insane.


And it isn’t about the sex thing either. Yes it’s been a very long time since I’ve felt someone else’s touch, but that’s not what’s driving me a little crazy. It’s not falling asleep in someone’s arms, or with someone in my arms. It’s waking up alone and feeling empty. It’s knowing that I used to have this, three times I had this, and every time it was taken from me. Tara said that there’s someone else out here for me, and I want that, I want to be in love again. But at the same time I don’t want it. I’m afraid that if I get it again, and when things are finally perfect, I love her and she loves me, and it seems like the world is made for only us, that and that moment it will all go horribly wrong and I’ll end up alone again, feeling hollowing. So you can understand my hesitation to go out and find Mrs. Right. I’ve already had Mrs. Right, two of them in face. What it is about me that makes people want to love me and then leave me?


All of a sudden a reflection appears next to mine in the water. I can’t help but s mile a very small and sad smile. Apart from Giles and some of the teachers, Sky is the only one who knows I come out here a lot. I met her when I first moved here when I was ready to stop being a hermit. We’re not great friends or anything, but she understands about losing someone you love and having hard time moving on. She doesn’t like to talk about it, but her husband died after only six months marriage, but they dated for like three years before they got hitched. From what she’s told me she has a brother named Storm, and a sister named Rain. Her parents are a little weird. Kinda hippy-ish, but they’re ok as far as parents go.


She returns my little smile and sits down next to me. She knows I’ve been talking to Tara, she was the first to know. She got worried about me, like everyone else, and followed me out to the woods. She’s also a witch so she knows exactly what I was doing, and I didn’t have to explain. Giles warned me out using my magic for selfish reasons, but I told him not to worry about it. I told him there would be no repeat performance of what happened in Sunnydale. Besides I’m so powerful now that if I ever did get addicted again I’d die if I tried to quit. It’s in me, always, there’s no getting rid of it. It took me a long time to learn how to control it. It’s kind of like a permanent ‘my will be done’ spell, only now I can control what happens. I need crystals and stuff to channel my energy but I rarely need spells these days.


“How did your talk go?” Sky asks, but I can tell she knows it went bad. She’s using her ‘it’s ok, you can talk to me’ tone of voice. She’s a really good listener and she actually cares about what I have to say. She’s helped me a lot the last couple of years, and I’m really grateful for it. If I had been completely alone when I moved here I don’t think I would have survived the sadness. I needed to talk to someone who was unbiased, and since she didn’t know me or Kennedy she was completely neutral, like Switzerland, only without the little milkmaid’s outfit. Where did that thought come from?


“She doesn’t want to come back.” I don’t think my voice has ever sounded so hollow. A single tear slips out of my left eye and it slowly slides down my cheek. “She said she was being selfish, and that there’s someone here on earth that I can be happy with. I just don’t know who that person is.” Ok, I must be going crazy because I think I just saw a look of disappointment flash over Sky’s face. But now it’s nothing but concern. Am I seeing things or did that just really happen? I’m probably just seeing things because of the loneliness. She doesn’t think of me that way. We’ve known each other for a couple years now if she did she would have said something by now. At least I think she would have.


“You will find someone, Willow. You just need to put yourself out there again. I know it’s not what you want to hear but you need to let go of your past and look forward. There are a lot of great things out there and you’re missing it because you can’t move on.” That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted some sympathy first, and truth later. But Sky always does it in reverse. I don’t know why.


I relax a little more when I feel her hand on my back. She’s the kind of person who physically comforts a person, and not so much with words. I scoot closer to her so our bodies are touching. I rest my head on her shoulder, and I feel her wrap her arm around me and give my side a little squeeze. This is how we always end up whenever we sit out here together. Sometimes one of us will be talking, sometimes I’ll be crying, and sometimes it’s like this. We don’t need words, our body language is enough.


I remember my quiet time with Tara. I’d be reading or working on my computer and she’d be sitting behind me and playing with my hair or rubbing my shoulders. I liked our quiet time but I liked hearing her talk a lot more. Her voice...I loved her voice so much. I miss it a lot. The time she sang to me on the bridge in the park always sticks out in my mind. Why did I have to mess everything up? If I hadn’t done that spell to make her forget about the fight about magic she probably wouldn’t have sang me that song. She probably would have sang a song about how worried she was, or how mad she was at me for being mean to her. I know we wouldn’t have gone home and made love all afternoon like we did. I feel horrible for betraying her trust, for raping her mind, but at the same time I don’t regret it because it gave us one great afternoon. Of course it all came back to bite me in the ass in a very painful way, but I don’t regret that day we had together.


“You ready to head on back to reality?” Sky asks and I look down at my watch. Oh my God, we’ve been sitting here for three hours. My butt is asleep, I didn’t even know someone’s butt could fall asleep. It’s starting to get dark, so we probably should head in because it gets cold here at night and I’m not wearing a jacket. But I don’t want to be alone right now. I think I’ll go insane if I’m by myself. I feel so horrible now that the calmness I get from talking to Tara has gone away. Being alone would be bad. So I snuggle in a little closer to Sky and wrap my arm around her back.


“Yeah, but I don’t want to be alone. Do you think we can hang out at your place? A documentary on witchcraft is going to be on the discovery channel in about twenty minutes. Wanna watch it?” I look at her reflection in the water and she’s smiling a little. We don’t really hang out a lot at each other’s homes. I don’t know why, we just don’t. We’ve gone shopping, and out to eat, but we mostly hang out here. Here where time has no meaning and I can just sit in her arms and forget about my problems.


“I don’t know, I always get kind of pissed when I watch shows about witchcraft. We can watch a movie instead. I have a DVD collection that I’m actually a little embarrassed by there are so many. I’m sure you’ll be able to find something you like.” I smile at her and nod my head. We both sigh and then stand up. I get a little bit of a head rush and she’s right there to make sure I don’t fall. “You ok?” She sounds all concerned again. I nod my head and we loop our arms together and walk back to her place. We’re both quiet, and for some reason it’s getting a little awkward. As long as I don’t start babbling I’ll be fine. I just need to keep my mouth shut because the awkwardness is all in my mind.


She gets the door unlocked and we go inside. She turns on the light in the living room and I take a look around. I like it, it has a warm, very homey vibe to it. There are a couple of paintings I would reconsider if I was her, and I wouldn’t have that vase in that spot, but all in all it’s a nice living room. And the couch looks really comfortable. Just looking at it makes me want to curl up under a blanket and take a nap or something. What is it with all these weird thoughts today? I’ve never thought about just curling up on somebody’s couch and falling asleep. That would be so rude. I’m here to watch a movie, not sleep on a comfy looking couch. And it’s just comfy looking, I haven’t even sat on it yet so it could be the most uncomfortable couch on the planet for all I know.


“You ok? You look a little...confused,” I hear Sky say and she sounds like she’s trying not to laugh. I look over at her a smile and explain that things are just a little crazy in my head. She returns my smile and puts a hand on my lower back. “Well, that’s what the DVD is for. You can get lost in someone else’s world for a while.” I look into her light brown eyes and time seems to stop. I don’t know what it is, but the look in her eyes is so...incredible, so intense, and I can feel myself getting lost. I tense up a little when she leans closer to me, and I close my eyes when I feel her oh so soft lips touch mine. But before I can reciprocate she pulls back and she looks a little scared. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean-” I grab her shoulders and kiss her for all I’m worth.


FPOV


You wanna know how my day has been so far? Ok, here it goes. First I had that shitty fight with B. Well, it wasn’t a fight, at least not really. More of a disagreement with lot so anger. But whatever. I went out to the living room and zoned out in front of the T.V. for a little over an hour when Buffy came out of the room. She made some sarcastic comment and I overreacted and we got into a fight. Nothing physical, just screaming and yelling and name calling and shit like that. She stormed off to the bedroom and I went to the training room and beat up on the punching bag for a while.


I felt a little better when I finished and I went in the house and B was in the kitchen making some lunch and she made another sarcastic comment and I overreacted and we got in another fight and I went back out to the training room and beat up on the punching bag for another two hours. Then when I finished I took a shower and got dressed and my dad dropped the kids off. Me and B were still a little pissed, and wicked tense, and Addy picked the wrong time to act like a drama queen. I told her to go pick up her toys and she made a big deal about it, arguing back and shit and I yelled at her and then B yelled at me and we got in a fight.


And now here I am, at Little Darlings, one my tenth shot of JD. I don’t know why I came here out of all the bars in Vegas. And this isn’t even a bar, well it is, but that’s not the main attraction. Nope, the main attraction is the strippers. That’s right boys and girls, Faith’s at a strip club, throwin back shots of JD and trying to numb her anger. Anything sound familiar about this picture? Yeah, I drink JD a lot, in all kinds of places. I don’t discriminate. I’ll drink it in a normal bar, sports bar, demon bar, dance club, strip club, or in my garage. I didn’t have any at home and I didn’t want to run to the liquor store. So I came here.


I don’t know why I cam here. I don’t want to get a lap dance or stare at other chick’s boobs for hours on end like the guys here. I just wanna get drunk and pass out. I’ve been here for about half an hour, just sitting at the bar. I don’t wanna get a table ‘cause I don’t want one of the girls to offer a dance ‘cause I know at this point I won’t turn it down. Maybe they won’t offer, maybe they’ll see my wedding rings and back off. Not likely, that’s why I’m over here. I’m in the corner not by choice. The bar is pretty full and the only empty seat is right next to me. I chased off a couple guys just by glarin at ‘em, but that’s all that’s tried to talk to me, other then the bar tender. She’s nice, gave me two free shots, says she knows how hard marriage can be.


It’s getting real fuckin hard. I think me and B have just been together for too long. I still love her to death, don’t get me wrong. She’s my heart and soul and all that other poetic shit, but we’re not getting along anymore. That little disagreement we had in the bedroom is just one out of about a hundred that have been happening for the last couple of weeks. We thought that it was just stress from being a family, sexual frustration of having a baby, and tension because she hasn’t been slaying in a long time. So we asked my dad to watch the kids, said we needed to get some housework done and couldn’t do it with them there, and he agreed to watch ‘em for the day. Then we had mind blowing sex and I thought things were gonna be fine again ‘cause we got it out of our systems or whatever.


And she just had to think about Spike. So I’m being a little unfair, so what? I said earlier I’ll get over it eventually and my jealousy is getting annoying but is it so wrong to hate the guy who fucked my wife in all kinds of dirty ways? Sure she’s was a participating member, he didn’t force anything on her, and she could have stopped it any time she wanted, but his dick was inside her and that thought just drives me crazy. I don’t just hate Spike and Angel. I hate Riley and Parker too. Parker I can relate too a little more ‘cause we’re cut from the same cloth, we’ve both used people for our own needs and I get that. In high school I had all sorts of thoughts about all the nasty things I could do to B. And never in those thoughts was there a happily ever after. More like a happily see ya later.


But it’s the same just like the others: he was inside B and I hate it. I’m sure she’d hate all the guys that were inside me if she met ‘em. I don’t even know who some of them are, or where they are now and I don’t really care. She gets jealous about the Xander thing, but she understands because she’s a slayer too and she knows about what happens when you miss a big kill. If Xander wasn’t there, well I’d probably be dead, but if I had gotten away, and didn’t kill that thing it would have been a different boy to ride. And damn do I like to ride ‘em. B doesn’t like to use the strap on a whole lot or else I’d be riding that shit almost every night. Being on top is more then just a physical thing, it’s about the control too. And yeah it feels better ‘cause you can move your hips around a lot more and find a great spot, but the control was a major factor for me.


Not that any of it matters now. I married B, married. I never thought I’d get married, ever. I always thought marriage is for people who don’t know what the good stuff is. Then again when you’re not expected to live passed your early twenties planning for a bright and sunny future is pretty pointless. I honestly never thought I’d marry her. When we were living together I figured that’s the farthest we’d get. I never imagined we’d ever have a baby together. I mean, there are other options besides the magic thing. Artificial insemination, or adoption are always an option, but I never thought we’d be a family. I never thought we’d have more. Maybe this isn’t something I want. Maybe I only proposed because it was just practical. I mean, we’d been together for years, had a kid, wanted another one, and had a house, so why not take the next step? Why not make it official?


“Hey Tracey, gimme a jack and coke, more jack then coke please,” I hear someone say and see them sit down in the stool next to me. I’m only looking out the corner of my eye so I can’t give you any details, but from the voice I know she’s female, and she sounds a little tired so she probably just ended her shift. Not that I care. And it isn’t buggin me that she wears the same perfume as Buffy. Really it isn’t. Stop lookin at me like that. I watch the bartender walk towards us and then hand the chick her drink. I slide my glass towards Tracey, I guess her name is, and she fills it Jack and I throw back the shot.


“Men are pricks,” Jack and Coke says and takes a long suck from her straw. I nod my head and ask the bartender for a real glass. She gives me one of those scotch glass lookin things, puts four ice cubes in it and fills it half way with good old mister Jack. “I make a good living working here. I get paid way more then those women working in the office buildings, but does my boyfriend care about that? No, he just doesn’t want me working here. And it’s not like he’s willing to support me. How the fuck else am I supposed to pay my bills?” I look over at her and she’s looking in my general direction but not right at me. At least I don’t think she is.


“Sing it, sister,” I say and we click our glasses together. She takes a big swig of hers and I down mine. I put my glass down on the table and shake my head a little ‘cause it’s feeling a little cloudy. “I could be havin mind blowing sex with my wife right now, but noooo. Wouldn’t want the kids to hear and be traumatized. She cares more about those damn kids then she does me.” I point at my glass and the bartender fills it up again. “And today after we did have mind blowing sex she starts thinking about this guy she used to fuck. Probably comparing. And that boy used to do some nasty shit to her.” I take a sip from my drink and the brunette shakes her head a little bit.


“And she’s so worried that I’m gonna compare her to the boys I’ve been with, like I don’t got the shadow of Angel hanging over my head. Angel, what kinda pussy name is that anyway? I mean, sure if he was a girl I can see her wanting to be called Angel. But a fucking man? What kinda pussy wants to call themselves Angel?” I take another swig of my drink and shake my head again. I’m starting to feel the alcohol now, and it isn’t enough. I’m still mad at her. I don’t want to be mad at her. I want to hold her in my arms and kiss her senseless. I want to make her feel like the specialist girl in the world. Specialist, is that even a word? I don’t want her to be mad at me anymore.


“You gotta wife, huh?” Jack and Coke asks and raises an eyebrow at me. Is she flirting with me? Probably not. Probably just curious. But I said I gotta wife, didn’t I? I said the word ‘she’ a bunch of times. Maybe she thinks I’m just some crazy drunk or something. I would if I were her. Then again if I were her I wouldn’t be stripping. Body and face like that, the girl could be a model or something, make some real money doing something simple. It takes a long time to make it big, but once you’re big that’s when all the cash comes flowing in.


“Yeah, got me a wife. Used to be blonde, but she’s lettin the brown grow back. We got three kids. She had the boys and I had the girl. She’s still a little crazy ‘cause our second boy, she had him a couple months ago. And why the fuck do people wanna know who the father is? Does is really fuckin matter? It’s not like I can tell ‘em the truth or nothin so why they always gotta ask?” I take another sip of my drink and my eyes do this weird thing where the room gets kinda blurry. I wonder why that happened. I should probably go to the doctor tomorrow. That’s probably a good idea, but I’m not sure. “Like I can just tell people that we got a witch to cast a spell, and I knocked her up a couple times.” I look over at the brunette and she’s lookin at me with her eyebrows all raised up and shit. Then she flags down the bartender. Good, my drink was gettin a little low.


“Tracey, cut this broad off and call her a cab.” Hey, fuck that chick. I’ll say when I’m done with my liquor. It’s not like I was talkin about some crazy shit. You should hear some of the shit drunk people say, it’s so insane. I stand up so I can knock this chick out, but the floor falls out from under me, and now I’m on my back lookin up at the ceiling. Why do I feel so fuckin woozy? I didn’t even have that much to drink! This is so stupid. Good, I’m glad they’re turning out the lights, I want to go to sleep anyway.


DPOV


If it’s one thing I’ve learned about life, whether you’re on a hellmouth or living in some small town that is crawling with meth addicts, it’s that life loves to throw you curve balls. Now I don’t know much about baseball but from what I understand a curve ball is hard to hit and is very hard to anticipate. That’s exactly what happened to me, only in the non-baseball metaphorical way. And it’s not just the curve that you have to deal with it’s what happens afterwards. How you deal with whatever life has thrown at you. You can face it head on and deal with it in the best way possible, or you can do what I did and tell no one about it and hope that it goes away.


Of course my way never works out. People’s feelings get hurt and everything gets so much worst. And that’s exactly what’s happening right now. The curve has been exposed, the cat’s outta the bag and there’s not putting it back in. People have gotten hurt. People that I care about and I can’t take it back. Ok, so only one person, but I’m still horrible. I hurt him in the worst way possible. Not only did I cheat, but I let him think that the babies I’m growing in my stomach were his, when they’re not.


Kyle found out about it today, about an hour ago, and I don’t know what to do. When he confronted me about it I didn’t try to deny it. I’ve lied to everyone long enough, it was time I came clean. I thought it was going to go a lot worst then it did. Kyle maybe the sweetest person I’ve ever known, but he’s a demon and when you make a demon that mad bad things tend to happen, but they didn’t. I thought he was going to lose control of his powers or teleport away from here or something, but he didn’t. He asked me if I cheated on him, and I said yes. Then he asked me if the babies are someone else’s and I said yes. He looked so pissed. The spots where his horns used to be started to be started glowing. But he didn’t say another word. He turned around and walked off to the bedroom and that’s where he’s been for the last hour or so.


I tried getting him to talk, I tried getting him to unlock the door but he wouldn’t. He said he needed time to think and to leave him alone. So I did. Even though I’m dieing to back over to the door and pound on it until he opens up and talks to me, but I can’t do that. I could lose him if I push too hard. I could lose him anyway. I don’t want him to go, I still love him. I didn’t even mean to cheat, it’s just my ex from high school who I haven’t seen in years showed up just to see how I was doing, and all of these old feelings sparked up again and he kissed me, and I resisted at first, but I just gave in to it. One thing led to another and now I’m pregnant with Michael’s twins.


I hear the bedroom door open and I stand up. I don’t hear any footsteps though. I walk slowly down the hall just in case he is there. I’m not afraid of him, I know he’d never hurt me, but I don’t want him to feel cornered or boxed in or whatever because he’s on edge right now and I don’t want to risk him losing control. I can’t remember the name of demon that he is, but he’s powerful, but he doesn’t have that much control. He met me and we fell in love almost instantly and he couldn’t stand to be away from me in his home dimension to learn how to control his powers. Time moves different there, I can’t remember how because I’ve never been there but it’s slower or something.


“Kyle?” I ask with tears in my eyes and my voice sounds really weird. I stand in the doorway and I see him packing a bag. I guess he was going to walk out the front door instead of teleporting out. I have no idea where he would go. “Kyle, please talk to me.” He stops what he’s doing and he looks over at me. I’ve never seen his eyes that color before. Yes, his eyes change color, like a mood ring or something. I’ve never seen them this color blue before. It’s bright, and they’re glowing, I’ve never seen them glow before.


“I can’t talk to you. I can’t look at you right now.” I walk into the room and he tenses up for a couple seconds and then he keeps packing. I stand about two feet away. Close, but not in his personal space. Touching would probably be a bad idea right now. “Just go away.” I’m not going away, I can’t go away. I’m starting to panic, and it’s not a good feeling at all.


“No, Kyle, I can’t. You can’t leave. Please, if you leave we won’t survive this. We can survive this, we’re stronger then this.” I go against my own advise and reach out and touch his arm. He pulls away very violently and looks at me again. He looks so angry and I deserve it. I deserve so much worst for what I did, but I can’t help it, I need him, I can’t live without him. I love him more then I’ve ever loved anyone.


“I’ve put up with your shit for way too long. You’re the whore who fucked someone else and got knocked up and fucking lied to me about it. If you fuckin told me about it from the beginning maybe we could have survived it, but we can’t. I can’t pretend that those…things are mine.” I can’t believe he just said that. He referred to our babies as things. I just can’t believe it, and I know I shouldn’t, I have no right but I get mad.


“But they are yours. So maybe you didn’t father them, but you’ve been to every doctor’s appointment, you’ve seen them grow, you’ve talked to them. They know your voice, they respond to it. They’re a lot calmer when you’re around, and they need you. They need a dad, and I need you. I need my fiancé because I love you, and I can’t do this without you.” The reason he’s so hurt is because he wanted to be a dad so badly. We’ve talked about it for years but I never felt ready. I was going to tell him that the babies weren’t his, but when I told him that I’m pregnant he was so happy and I couldn’t ruin that.


“No, Dawn, they’re not mine They came from the guy you fucked I can’t just pretend you didn’t open your legs for someone else. I can’t pretend those bastards are mine ” He starts packing his bag again, and now I’m sobbing. He walks over to the closet and throws the door open and pulls out a bunch of his clothes. Before he gets back over to the bed where his duffle bag is, I step in front of him and try to stop my tears. I know I’m pushing my luck, and I don’t care. I love him too much to just let him walk away.


“I can’t let you leave, I love you too much.” I want to say more but he interrupts me and I know he isn’t going to say anything nice. I can tell that I pissed him off even more because his eyes are glowing a lot brighter. Maybe I should just back off and let him leave because if I push him too hard he could lose control and something horribly bad could happen.


“No you don’t. You don’t love me or you wouldn’t have fucked that other guy ” He screams right in my face. He takes a couple steps forward so we’re almost touching, and he grabs onto my upper arms. He isn’t hurting me but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be able to leave while he says whatever he’s about to say. “Was it good? Did you like having that guy’s dick inside you?” I try to get my arms free but he tightens his grip and now it hurts. “Did he make you come? Did he make you scream?” He yells the last part really loud, and there’s a ringing in my ears now. He pushes me back and I land on the bed. I sit up and try to look in his eyes but he won’t look at me.


“No, I didn’t like it.” I might as well be honest. “It felt wrong, and dirty because it wasn’t you. I don’t know why I did it. Its just…there was so much unresolved stuff between us and the tension was so high, and I regret it. I wish it never happened, and I want more then anything for our babies to be biologically yours, but they’re not. And there’s nothing I can say that’s going to make up for what I did, but please don’t just leave. If you run away we’ll never get through this. If you leave now we won’t be able to fix everything.” He picks his shirts up off the floor, he dropped them when he grabbed onto my arms, and he throws them on the bed next to his bag.


“You don’t fucking get it, I don’t want to get through this I don’t want anything to do with you or those bastards ” He walks over to me and grabs onto my wrist. What the fuck is he doing? I fight against him, I try to get him to let go but he’s so much stronger then me. He uses his other hand to grab onto my ring finger and now I know what he’s doing.


“No, no don’t. You can’t. Please.” But he does it anyway. Even though I’m fighting him with everything I have he still manages to pull my engagement ring off my finger. I did put up a good fight and his fingernails scratched my skin pretty hard and now my finger’s bleeding, but I don’t care. He puts the ring in his pants pocket and starts packing his clothes again. “I need you, please, please don’t leave me.” He’s done packing, and he zips up the bag and slings it over his shoulder. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this empty before. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this type of tightness in my chest. It hurts, it hurts so much, and the only thing that’s going to stop it from hurting is him staying.


“You should have thought about that before you fucked your ex.” With a sharp cracking sound, and small puff of smoke he’s gone. I can’t do anything but stare at the spot he was just standing at about five seconds ago. I can’t blink, I can’t breathe, I can’t move. I can just sit here and feel this pain. I’m hurt, and sad, and angry, and scared all at the same time and no matter how hard I try to block out the others and just feel one, I can’t. It’s just too much to handle, and when flood gates break, and the tears start to pour out of my eyes I don’t do a damn thing to stop them.


I collapse on the bed and curl up into as tight of a ball as I can get, but that’s kind of hard when you’re as huge as a bloated cow. I grip onto the comforter as tight as I can because I feel like I’m falling, even though I’m not moving. And right when I feel like things can’t get any worst. Right when I feel like I’m about to die because of this horrible pain in my chest, life throws me another curve ball in the form of a sharp almost blinding pain in my stomach. I scream out loud and wrap my arms around my stomach but it doesn’t help. And then I feel a lot of warm liquid fall out of me. That’s the only way I can describe it. Leave it up to the powers that be to send me into labor right after my fiancé leaves me.