So Damn Domestic

Nine Years Ago. FPOV


“I swear on my life that I would never cheat on you, that I have never cheated on you.” Liar, she’s nothing but a fucking liar. Can you believe the shit she’s saying? ‘Cause I fucking can’t. “Think about it Faith, after everything we’ve seen, after everything we’ve done is this really that unimaginable? We fight vampires and demons, we’ve saved the world from the ultimate evil, I’ve died twice, once for almost four months. Is conceiving a child together really that far out there and impossible?” Well, I guess when she puts it that way it doesn’t sound so crazy. I mean, we have seen some pretty weird shit, so this...thing...could be mine, or it could be some demon, or the product of a guy she fucked while I was in New York.


“Alright, maybe it’s possible, just maybe.” I sound fuckin pissed because I am. B’s one of the very few people I’ve ever allowed myself to trust, I opened up to her, told her things I’ve never told another soul. And now she’s pregnant. This doesn’t scream supernatural, it screams super-slutty. I didn’t even try to wake her up when she was unconscious. Naw, I left that to Red and Brat. I came out here and started smoking, did that for about an hour until they finally got her to wake up. Then she comes in here sayin that this...thing...is mine.


“Willow can do a spell, she can find out what is really going on. It could be yours, or maybe some demon did something to me. Remember when that one really pasty looking demon stabbed me in the stomach with that little poky thing that came out of his arm? Maybe he injected me with something, like his evil spawn. But Faith I swear to God I did not cheat.” She keeps saying that and I can’t help but think that she’s trying to convince herself. Maybe in her mind she wasn’t cheating. Nope when she took Riley for another ride she was just getting some closure, but she didn’t cheat.


Yeah, I think it’s Riley that she fucked. He was in town while I was conveniently gone. It probably wasn’t planned. He probably came over wanting to talk and things just happened. I understand that, but it still happened, or at least I’m sure it happened. I could be wrong, and it’s that little bit of doubt that’s letting me even consider that this thing could be a demon seed or something. I mean, sure Buffy said that we conceived it, but we don’t know that for sure. And I’m going to go ahead and point out the obvious that neither one of us has a dick, and we don’t live on a hellmouth so magic things don’t just happen like they used to.


I don’t really pay attention while B talks to Red and Brat. I just sit on the couch and stare off into space. Red says that there is a possibility it’s a demon, that there are breeds of demon that will infect a person with they’re seed to create human/demon hybrids. A demon that looks like a person and can walk around in the day and everything, what could be more terrifying? Well, a lot of things, but that one’s pretty bad. I’m actually kinda hoping it’s a demon seed. If it is that means B didn’t cheat on me, and we can just get rid of it and then go back to normal. We were so happy before this. Not for the last week or so ‘cause B was freaking about those test results, but before that, we were happy.


I watch as Red puts her hands over B’s stomach and her eyes turn white. I don’t know what she’s doin but it’s affecting B big time. Her whole body is wicked tense, and her eyes are closed and she looks like she’s in pain. I want to push Red away and protect B but I’m not going to ‘cause this is gonna tell us what we wanna know. So it’s either we’re doing a magically abortion or I’m packing my shit and going back to Boston ‘cause there’s no way in hell I’m sticking around if B fucked around behind my back. Nope, she can just call up Riley and they can deal with it. Adios, sayonara, have a great fuckin life.


“It’s not a demon, that’s for sure,” Red says and I feel like B just stabbed me in the gut...again, but in the chest at the same time. How could she do this? How could she cheat on me, and then deny it like that? How could she fuckin lie to me? “Wait...there’s something...different. I can’t exactly what...but I know this baby is both yours and Faith’s.” What? How is that possible? “Magic, there’s magic lining Buffy’s uterus. The signature is sloppy, a novice witch most likely cast a spell and it went ka-blooey.” Then Red lets go of Buffy and they both go back to normal. “This is great Buffy, you weren’t impregnated by a demon, and you didn’t cheat, and you’re going to be a mom ” She pulls B into a big hug and I can’t breath.


Numb, I’m numb all over. I can’t feel anything, because this isn’t real. Come on Faith, you’re good, you’re just not that good. You couldn’t have gotten her pregnant even with some stupid spell. This is all just some stupid dream from watching some stupid chick flick with Buffy. She isn’t pregnant and I’m going to wake up any second and laugh about this over a glass of JD at the club tonight when me and B shake and shimmy after a night of slaying. But I don’t wake up, and I don’t stop feeling numb, and Buffy is still pregnant. I watch B talk to Willow, I can see her lips moving but I can’t hear her. I think I’m going into shock or something.


“I’m going to spend the night at Stacey’s, give you two some time to talk,” Brat says. When did she sit down next to me? And I can tell from the sound of her voice that she knows this isn’t a happy situation. Willow was all hugs and bubbliness ‘cause B’s knocked up, but I’m not. I mean, B’s knocked up, with my baby. What the fuck am I going to do? I don’t have a job, or a work ethic, or a high school diploma. Babies are expensive, they need a lot of things, they need a grown up to raise them up right. I’m not a grown up, have I ever acted like a grown up? And grown ups don’t even call themselves grown ups, they call themselves ‘adults’ and they pronounce is really weird.


I watch Dawn walk into her bedroom and close the door. We’ve been sharing this apartment for a year now. I didn’t have as much stuff as they do, and mine was smaller so it just made sense that I move in with the Summers sisters instead of B movin into my tiny apartment. It’s nice ‘cause Brat’s usually gone. She says she’s over at a friends house but it’s so obvious they’re so much more then friends. Well, unless Dawn has sex with all of her friends and I doubt that. But if we bring in a baby everything is going to change. We don’t have enough room for a baby here. We’d have to get a bigger apartment, and what about Dawn? We can’t just leave her behind. Sure she’s eighteen but she’s still in school and she needs B to keep her in line and all that other shit.


I look over at the front door when I hear it close, I guess Dawn just left. B’s standing by it, staring off into space. I wonder what she’s thinking, how she feels about all this. I already have an idea of what we should do and it’s pretty obvious by the way I’ve been thinkin. It’s the only option that makes sense. We’re too immature for a baby. We don’t know the first thing about raising a baby. Now if B was having a teenager we’d be all set ‘cause she’s had practice in that area, but I know that’s not gonna happen.


I hear B’s footsteps as she walks closer to me. She stops though, and leans up against the wall. I guess she needs her space, I get that. If I found out I was knocked up ‘cause of a spell I’d want my space too. Then again if I found out I was pregnant because of a spell I wouldn’t be silent like she is now. I wouldn’t just be leaning up against a wall looking lost and scared. I’d do something about it, something I know B would never do. That’s why I’m not even going to suggest it, because I know she’d leave me and raise the kid with the help of her friends then...what’s it called? Oh yeah, ‘terminate the pregnancy’. I won’t suggest it, but I won’t exactly fight against it either if she brings it up.


“Faith,” I hear her say but I don’t look at her. I just keep staring at the bottom of the T.V., that’s where I’ve been looking at since she leaned up against the wall, and that was...I have no idea how long ago. Time doesn’t have any meaning anymore. “Faith, look at me.” She sounds so...small. I haven’t heard her sound like that since the battle with the First. I do look at her and she looks so lost. And as much as she needs me right now I can’t help her because I’m too caught up in my own shit to help anyone. “Faith, what are we going to do?” Why did she have to ask me that? Why is she leaving it up to me?


“I don’t know,” I tell her and stand up and start pacing. I can’t stand this, the fear, the not knowing, the what ifs. It’s driving me insane. What are we going to do? It’s not a demon so we can’t kill it. Adoption maybe? I’m sure there are plenty of loving people that would want a little baby to call their own. “I don’t know.” I say a little louder. I’m not really talking to her though, I just need to say something. “I don’t know. I don’t know ” I didn’t mean to yell and I certainly didn’t mean to look at her when I did it. Now she has tears in her eyes.


“Ok, you don’t know, I get it, just don’t yell at me.” I want to say I’m sorry but what’s the point? She won’t believe me anyway. I just keep pacing. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and her gaze is boring holes into my body. I need to get out of here. I need to get away from her and this place, I just can’t be here right now. I walk over to the table and grab my jacket off the back of a chair and shrug it on. “Where are you going?” She sounds so scared, but I can’t stay here, I feel like I’m going to suffocate.


“Out. I’m going out for a while, don’t wait up,” and I walk out the door. You’d think she would have said something, would have tried to stop me, would have at least done something, but she didn’t. She just stood there and now I’m walking down their stairs of the apartment building and out the door and down the sidewalk. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Drinking seems pointless. I don’t think there’s enough alcohol in the world to get rid of these feelings even for just a second. So I walk, and I walk, and I walk, and I walk some more. I end up at the park and I sit down on the merry-go-round.


Why is this happening? Why when things are finally going right something has to come along and fuck it all up? I love Buffy, I love her, I can admit it, I can say it to her face and not run away. I never thought I’d ever be able to do that with anyone. I’m in a real relationship, and we were happy. Three weeks ago we were here, at this same park, playing a little game of tag while the rest of the scoobs relaxed in the shade. We were laughing and having fun, and we ended up making out on the grass until Red said things were getting a little too R rated for there being kids around. So we stopped.


But I don’t think that’s it, where this fear is coming from. I mean, a baby, that’s a big responsibility, and for one thing I’m not good with responsibility, but I don’t know how to be a mom. My mom was a drunk, my dad wasn’t around, so I have no example to go by. I have no fucking clue what to do. What do I do when my kid’s sick and crying and won’t shut up and it’s three in the morning? How do I get ‘em to calm down and go to sleep? What do I do when they see a vampire for the first time? How do I keep them from freaking out? There’s just too much to think about, too many things to consider.


But I don’t think it’s that, either. No, I know it isn’t that. A loving family is something I’ve always wanted. I never imagined it happening with another woman, but that doesn’t matter. If B has this baby and we keep it, then I’ll have what I’ve always wanted. And if I screw it up then that’s it, it’s gone forever, and I’ll never be happy again. What if I screw up? What if I can’t be what this baby needs? I don’t know what to do with a baby. I don’t know how to take care of one, I don’t know how to be supportive to someone taking care of a baby, I don’t know anything when it comes to this, I’m still learning how to be a good girlfriend.


And look at this Faith, you’re fucking that up too. Buffy’s at home, probably scared shitless and you’re here, and you’ve been gone for...I look down at my watch...three fucking hours She’s gotta be worried and scared and freaking out. She probably thinks I’m getting drunk and I don’t blame her because I really wanted to, I still want to. But I’m not going to. She probably thinks I’m going to leave her, but I’d never do that. She’d have to be the one to end it, or screw up so bad that I force myself to end it because I’d never just leave. But you’re not there now Faith, you did leave. And now she’s all alone. Ok, I need to stop talking to myself in third person, it’s getting freaky.


I get up and start the long walk back home. It’ll take me at least an hour ‘cause I can’t make my legs walk any faster. But I think that’s a good thing because it’s giving me time to work what I’m going to say. I have to apologize for walking out or at least explain why I walked out. I have to make her believe that it was because of my fucked up mind and not because of anything she did. I can’t have her thinking that because it isn’t true. Ok, so her asking me what we’re going to do may have triggered it, but something else would have come up and I would’ve run just the same. Maybe I don’t deserve any of this. I mean, I ran away from it, I thought about aborting it, I’m still referring to it as it...maybe I’m not supposed to be a mother. Maybe it would be better for everyone if I pack up tonight and get as far away from B and the baby as possible before I screw everything up?


No, I have to stop thinking like that. This is my baby, mine, mine and Buffy’s. It’ll take some getting used to but they’re my family and I’m not going to walk out on my family. I panicked and took off for a couple of hours, so what? Anyone in my shoes would have done the same if not more. Not getting drunk is a big step ‘cause to be honest, I think I’m turning into an alcoholic. But not anymore. There are going to be some serious changes around here. I’m going to be a mother...a father? I’ll figure out the terms later, but I’m going to be raising a little baby, my little baby, and I can’t do shit like that anymore.


I just hope B feels the same way I do. I mean, she’s talked about having kids before. We did the whole ‘when I was little I always dreamed I...’ and she said she wants four kids. So I don’t think she’s going to be getting an abortion anytime soon. But you never know. Maybe she doesn’t want to have my baby? Maybe she thinks I’m not ready for this, that she’s not ready for this. I’m twenty-two years old for Christ’s sake. I’m too damn young to be raising a kid. But I can make it work. I can grow up, I know I can.


But does B know that? Does she know that I can grow up and take care of her and our baby, or does she think I’m not mature enough? Is she going to take off and raise our baby by herself because she think I can’t handle it or won’t want to be a mother, or will she see that I really want this and we can be a happy family? I don’t know, I don’t know because I’m not at the apartment right now. But I’m almost there, I can see the building from here. Just a couple more blocks and I’ll be holding her in my arms and telling her how much I love her. I know I’ve gone soft, but that’s what being with someone does to you.


I open the door and walk up the stairs. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous about coming home. Will she be glad to see me? Will she be packing up my stuff and then tell them to get the fuck out? Or will she be packing up her stuff and moving in with Willow and Kennedy until she finds her own place? Well, I don’t see any light coming from behind the door so I don’t know what to think. The car is still out front so she didn’t leave. I pull out my keys and unlock the door. I walk into my apartment and all the lights are turned out. That’s not a good sign. If I’m not home when she goes to bed she’ll leave the lamp on in the living room unless she’s pissed at me. Maybe she just forgot to turn it on. Nope, those are definitely sobs coming from the direction of our bedroom.


I take off my jacket and toss my keys on the table. I’m being as quiet as I can but I think she can hear me with her slaying hearing. I walk towards the bedroom and there’s a tightness in my chest now and the closer I get to that closed door the tighter it gets. Now I’m standing right in front of the door. I can hear her crying on the other side but I can’t force myself to move. Ok Faith, you can do this. Just open the door, walk in very calmly, say you’re sorry for running out. Tell her ‘Buffy, baby, I’m so sorry for taking off like that, but there was so much shit sloshing around in my head I had to leave. But I’m better now. I’ve thought about it, and I know that I want to take care of you and our baby for the rest of forever.’ Yeah, that’s good, tell her that. Alright retard if you want to tell her that you need to go in there.


I grip the doorknob and slowly turn it. She hears the door creak open and her breath hitches in her throat. She’s trying to force herself to calm down, but she can’t. I walk into the room as quiet as a mouse and close the door. She’s in bed already. All the lights are off and I can tell she has her pajamas on. Either that or she’s nude because her clothes are lying in a pile at the foot of the bed. I take three steps and stop because her sobs are getting louder. I swallow hard and walk over to the side of the bed. I squat down next to her and put my hands on the very edge of the bed and look into her eyes. I take in a little breath and I hesitate. We just stare at each other for a few minutes until I can’t take the silence anymore.


“I thought about it, and I know what we’re gonna do.” I reach out and gently wipe her tears away. “You’re gonna go through the morning sickness and I’m gonna try and help you out. You’re going to get really bitchy and have mood swings, but that isn’t too different from how you usually are.” We both laugh a little bit and I wipe away the rest of her tears. “We’re going to talk to Giles about borrowing some money, and we’re going to buy everything a new little baby could possibly need. Your stomach is gonna get bigger and you might feel self-conscious about it, but to me you’ll always be beautiful.” She has tears in her eyes now but these are the good kind. I hate seeing her cry either way, but at least these are because she’s happy.


“You’re gonna go through probably the worst pain you’ll ever feel, and our little baby is gonna come out and join the world. And we’re going to bring him or her home and be a little happy family.” She smiles again and holds onto my hand that’s still cupping her face. The other one has a mind of its own and moved down to her stomach and I’m gently caressing it. She looks like Buffy again, she has that sparkle back in her eyes. But this is still really hard to believe even though I’m not thinking about it in a bad way. We’re going to be parents. We’re going to be raising a kid. There’s so much doubt about it, but people have been raising kids since the dawn of time. If they could do it I can do it. All I have to do is the very opposite of what my mom did with me, and everything will turn out ok.


“It’s going to be a girl,” she says and lightly caresses my hand with her thumb. She has a small smile on her face. How does she know the baby’s gonna be a girl? “Magic may have helped us make this,” she puts her hand over mine, the one that’s on her stomach. “But neither of us have the proper equipment for making a baby boy. Only a guy has a Y chromosome, we’re both Xs. So there’s no way it could be a boy.” I don’t really know about all that since I didn’t exactly pay attention to anything in school, but I’ll just have to believe her for now until I learn about all that stuff. She scoots over in the bed and pulls the covers back. I take off my jeans and crawl under the covers. “We’re going to be mommies.” I smile a big smile.


“Yeah, we are.” I wrap my arms around her and give her kiss on the neck. “And I don’t want you to worry about anything ok? I’ll talk to Giles about everything and we’ll work something out and if I have to get a job I will. But all you have to do is relax, and grow a baby, ok?” She smiles at me and I know she’s going to protest because Buffy Summers is not the stay-at-home-mom type of person. She’d go insane. She needs to do more then just stay home and take care of a kid.


“Let’s talk about the details tomorrow, alright? Lets just savor this right now,” I tell her and she smiles a small smile. She snuggles against me and gives me a little kiss on the lips. “I love you.” She kisses me again, a little deeper this time but she pulls back. She’s too tired to have sex right now so I’m not going to push for it. She says it back and rests her head on my shoulder and slips off to sleep. But I can’t. All that doubt I was having earlier that I suppressed is coming back. I guess I’ll have to learn how to force it back otherwise I’ll be up for days.


BPOV


“Willow?” I ask in a voice that doesn’t sound like my own. Maybe it is and I’m just too out of it to recognize my own voice. She still thinks I cheated, I know she does. But I would never do that to her. Faith is the best thing to ever happen to me and I would never jeopardize our relationship for sex with someone else. When is she going to realize that she’s all I want in this life? But I can see where she’s going from. I mean, it’s not everyday a girl gets pregnant because of a demon or something. She has every right to be pissed and suspicious and that’s what’s killing me. So now I’m turning to Willow because she’s the only one who can prove that I didn’t cheat. “I need you to do something for me, a spell. Something strange is going on, either this baby was made by a demon or some kind of spell or something and I need you to figure out what.” Her and my sister exchange a glace. Nobody believes me.


“Yeah, Buffy, I can do that. Do you want to do it in the bedroom?” I tell her no, that the living room is fine. Faith won’t go in the bedroom when she’s this upset because it’s a small room and she gets a little claustrophobic when she’s upset. “Ok, we can do it out there. You don’t have to do a thing but stand as still as you can, and try not to speak ok?” I nod my head yes and we walk into the living room. She and Dawn were standing in the hallway, spying on us like any other friend or family member would have. I can’t force myself to care right now, maybe I’ll get mad about it later.


“Alright, now don’t move, ok?” I nod my head and she puts her hands on my stomach. I feel a burst of magic go through me and I have to shut my eyes. I can’t really explain what it’s like. It’s like a light buzz going throughout my entire body and a tight pressure on my stomach. It hurts, but at the same time it feels really good. I hate it a lot. I don’t’ want to be feeling really good right now, but I can’t fight it or else the spell won’t work. I can hear something now. It’s really quiet but now it’s getting louder. It’s like a humming sound, and I don’t know how I know, but that’s my baby’s heartbeat. I just know it. And I can’t help but feel incredibly happy. I know this baby is good, it isn’t a demon, and I know I didn’t cheat so I don’t know how it got there but I’m happy that it is.


“It’s not a demon, that’s for sure,” Willow says, but I can barely hear her over the sound. Her voice sounds distant and a little muffled. But I understand what she’s saying, and I was right, my baby isn’t a demon. But then how did the baby get there? I know I didn’t cheat on Faith. I would never ever do something like that. The only way I’d ever sleep with someone other then Faith is if we broke up and that hasn’t happened, and it isn’t going to happen.


“Wait...there’s something...different. I can’t exactly what...but I know this baby is both yours and Faith’s.” What? But how is that possible? Two women can’t make a baby. But this is great, now Faith knows that I didn’t cheat. “Magic, there’s magic lining Buffy’s uterus. The signature is sloppy, a novice witch most likely cast a spell and it went ka-blooey.” I feel Willow let me go and the feelings go away and so does the sound. I open my eyes and the first thing I see is a smiling Willow. She’s so happy about this but I’m not now. Since her magic isn’t it in my system anymore I’m not getting that happy feeling and the reality of the situation is falling on me like a ton of bricks.


“This is great Buffy, you weren’t impregnated by a demon, and you didn’t cheat, and you’re going to be a mom ” She pulls me into a big hug but I don’t hug her back. I’m feeling overwhelmed and scared and I really don’t want to be touched right now. I pull out of her embrace and look over at Faith. She’s just staring off into space and it’s a heartbreaking thing to see. She’s white, completely pale, and her breathing is a little labored. She’s in shock or something and it’s starting to freak me out. I feel Willow’s hand on my shoulder and I look over at her and she has a gentle smile on her face. “Buffy, this is a good thing. You two just need time to adjust to the idea, that’s all. But promise me you won’t make any rash decisions without talking it through first.” Rash decisions, she means abortion. And I’m not going to lie the thought did cross my mind.


“Don’t worry, I won’t.” I’m only half aware of what I’m saying because my brain feels like it’s wrapped in a wet towel. I can’t really pay attention to anything, I can’t focus on anything and I can’t concentrate enough to fully form a sentence. But I do walk her to the door. She keeps talking to me, telling me how good this is and I know it’s because she wants to have a baby but Kennedy isn’t so hot to the idea. She’s happy for me not because of this wonderful thing but because she really wants this to happen to her. I know I’m making her sound like an incredibly selfish person but I don’t care. I don’t really want this, I can’t be a mom. You’ve seen how much I’ve screwed up with Dawn in the passed, now imagine me making those mistakes only with a little kid. They’ll never recover and they’ll be screwed up forever. And she hugs me one more time and leaves and I close the door behind her.


“I’m going to spend the night at Stacey’s, give you two some time to talk,” Dawn says. I turn around and see the look on her face. She’s the very opposite of Willow. She knows that this isn’t something to be happy about, at least not yet. I have no idea what I’m going to do. It’s obvious by the look on Faith’s face that she doesn’t want this. She’s probably thinking about abortion too. But I would never do that. Not to something that’s both of ours. If this were an evil demon it would be out of me in a second, but I can’t knowing that it’s an innocent human baby. But adoption maybe? No, I don’t think I could have this baby growing inside of me and then give it away. I walk into Dawn’s room because she seems pretty upset and I think I should try to talk to her.


“Dawn look, I know this is out of nowhere and it’s really scary but we’re going to figure something out.” She keeps packing her bag but she does glace over at me. She doesn’t look as upset as before but I’m still worried. “Please, sweetheart, talk to me.” The pet name, she can never say no to the pet name. She sighs and sits down on her bed. I sit down next to her and hold onto her hand. We’ve gotten really close since the fall of Sunnydale. Things haven’t been perfect since then, we do fight sometimes and when she was seventeen she was dating this total creep who treated her all wrong and I had to step in and do something about it. But it backfired big time and Dawn didn’t speak to me for almost a month. She was so mad, but then the guy crossed a line and she knew she had to get out of the relationship. And I broke both of his arms the next week. Nobody hits my sister and gets away with it.


“I know you’re going to figure it out, and whatever decision you make I’ll support you. I’m fine, really Buffy. Things were just getting a little too tense out there and I want to give you two your space. And don’t worry I will go to school tomorrow and I’ll come back here after and if you two still need some time then I’ll hang out with Stacey for the day. You have enough to think about right so please don’t worry about me.” I do worry though. I worry about her all the time. She’s growing up into a strong, self-reliant woman and that’s good, but I still worry. But Stacey lives across the street and it isn’t fully dark yet so I don’t have too much to worry about.


“I wonder who cast that spell?” Me too. I really want to know that too. “I mean, maybe it wasn’t an accident. Maybe she was trying to get someone pregnant or something so she can keep the baby for herself. Like a magical surrogate or something. What are you going to do if someone wants the baby when it’s born?” Ok Dawn too many questions too soon that I can’t answer. She knows better then to ask me questions like that when I’m stressing out like this. She knows my mind can’t process things this big very fast. It’s going to take time before I figure out what to do. I could really use some help, but ultimately it’s my decision.


I wonder what Faith’s thinking. What does she want to keep the baby? Does she want me to get an abortion or something? I don’t think I can abort this baby. No, I know I can’t abort this baby. If Faith doesn’t want to be a part of this I’ll understand. Motherhood is a big responsibility and Faith and responsibility don’t mix too well. You should have seen her at the pet store last month when she talked me out of getting a puppy. She kept talking about how I’ll have to remember to feed it, and take it outside to use the bathroom, and give it baths and stuff like that. Well a baby is a way bigger responsibility then a puppy, they’re more expensive, and they wake up like what, every two or three hours to eat? I don’t think Faith is willing to do all that. But I’m not giving up this baby. And this feeling is the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I might have to choose between my girlfriend and our baby, and if it comes down to it and I’m forced to make a choice I honestly don’t know which one I’m going to pick. I watch Dawn pack her bag and she still looks really upset.


“Dawn, you do know that whatever we decide you are not going to get pushed aside, right?” She just stands there, looking in her bag as she rearranges some things. Oh my God, how could she think that she’d get pushed aside? I stand up and put my hand on her shoulder. She tenses up a little bit but she doesn’t say anything. “Sweetheart, you will always have a home here. If you want to move into another apartment.” Giles bought and entire floor of this building for us to live on. “Because of the noise or if a newborn is too stressful for you to live with you can. We can get it fully furnished and you can decorate it anyway you want, and you’re welcome here whenever you want, but please, don’t ever think you’ll have to leave.” Now she’s tearing up.


“But I’m going to have to, Buffy. Maybe not anytime soon, but sooner or later I’m going have to move out. When I go off to college or when you two decide you want to get your own place. But that’s not why I’m upset. I know eventually I’m going to have to get my own place.” Then why is she so upset? And she doesn’t have to get her own place. If it were up to me she’d never leave the house. “It’s just…you and Faith are so good together, she makes you so happy and she’s changed so much because of you. And it’s sad to think that you two could break up because of this.” Yeah, I was sort of thinking the same thing. “I better get going before Stacey’s mom leaves for work.”


I walk her to the door and I give her a big hug a little kiss on the cheek. I do that now. It’s weird how much of a mother I’ve become to her. Maybe I can raise a baby after all. But I’m still not too sure about that. The last thing I want to do is screw up a baby. I mean, if I give it up for adoption maybe it’ll have a chance to be happy and normal. I don’t lead a normal life and I don’t want my baby to be hurt by it. Lets say I do decide to keep this baby, and the news gets out in the magical community, once the demons and vampires find out about it we could be getting attacked on a daily basis. The baby of the two original slayers, demons and vampires are going to be talking about that. What if they decide it would be a good thing to have, or to kill just to hurt us? I don’t want my baby to be hurt or killed because of me.


I close the door and Faith looks over at me but it’s only for a couple of seconds. She looks away, and keeps staring at the ground by the T.V. She’s completely freaked out by all of this. Maybe this is too much for her to handle. Maybe I should just pack up and stay with Willow tonight until I can get moved into another one of the apartments tomorrow? No, I don’t think that would work. Seeing her everyday would probably drive me insane. I’d have to move to a different apartment building. Ok, I need to stop with a horrible thinking. We both just need some time to adjust, some time to think about this. Maybe she is already coming up with a plan. Maybe she already knows what we should do. I mean, this baby is hers too, maybe she wants to raise it and I’ve done all this negative thinking for nothing. I walk into the living room and lean up against the wall and just look at her.


“Faith,” I say in a low voice but loud enough for her to hear. I know she heard me because her breath hitched in her chest for a couple of seconds. She’s ignoring me. She does that a lot when she’s panicking because she doesn’t want me to see how scared she really is. But I’m feeling vulnerable and scared and I could really use her right now. I need her. I’ll always need her, that’s never going to change. “Faith, look at me.” It takes her a couple of seconds but she finally meets my eyes. She’s panicking, that much is obvious and she’s scared. I can tell just by looking in her eyes. She’s always had really expressive eyes. “Faith, what are we going to do?” I don’t want to leave it up to her, but could really use some guidance right about now.


“I don’t know,” she says and she sounds really freaked out. She jumps off the couch and starts pacing. I’m surprised she wasn’t doing that already. She paces when she feels boxed in, and this is definitely the type of situation where she’ll feel boxed in. “I don’t know.” She says it louder and she sounds angry. Why is she angry? I didn’t cheat on her, so why is she angry? Why is she so mad? “I don’t know. I don’t know ” She looks right at me when she says it. Why is she so mad at me? What did I do? I can’t fight the tears that well up in my eyes but I don’t let them fall. If she pissed at me for some reason that’s her problem. I’m not going to let her see me cry. But it’s still freaking me out. Maybe we aren’t going to survive this like I thought we could. Maybe we really are going to break up.


“Ok, you don’t know, I get it, just don’t yell at me.” I didn’t want to sound that pitiful when I said that but I do sound weak and lost and I hate it. I hate that this is happening to us, that we can’t even be here for each other. I know this isn’t normal and we never thought something like this could happen because normally you need a man and woman to make a baby but with the way we live our lives, with all of the magic that happens we should have been more aware. Maybe we should have cast some type of protection spell or something. I’m watching Faith as she paces in front of the couch and her muscles are so tense and I know she’s reaching a breaking point. I just hope we don’t get into a fight over this. But then she walks over to the kitchen table and grabs her jacket and heads for the door. “Where are you going?” Why wasn’t she going to say anything?


“Out. I’m going out for a while, don’t wait up,” she tells me. She doesn’t sound mad, she sounds stressed and frustrated. And she leaves before I can say anything and she doesn’t say anything else. She just walks out the door and shuts it and walks down the hall, I can hear her boots on the floor. Now I can’t hear her at all. She’s left. She left me. Is she going to leave me for good? Is this too much for her to take? I don’t know, and I probably won’t. Faith doesn’t like to open up and tell me what she thinks or how she feels. She’s getting better about it but I think this is going to be a big set back in getting her to completely drop her guard around me.


I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to function right now. On T.V. in situations like these the people are always so happy when the girlfriend or wife gets pregnant, but this is reality and I don’t know what to do. They never show the couples who didn’t plan on having a baby and have no idea what they’re going to do. They never show the couples who don’t really want the baby but don’t want to give it up either. I look over at the clock, and it’s eight at night right now. How long was I in Dawn’s room? Where did all of that time go? I haven’t had any dinner yet but I’m not hungry. But I should make something in case Faith gets hungry later or if I decide to eat. I don’t feel like slaying either so I won’t worry about that. Kennedy can do the slaying tonight.


I open the fridge and take a look inside. We don’t have much because we were supposed to go grocery shopping yesterday and I haven’t done anything but stay up and sit by the phone for the last couple of days. I’ve been so stressed out and so bitchy to everyone around me. I was so worried I was going to have some type of cancer or something and I didn’t care about anything but those test results. So this situation could be worst, I could have cancer or something. I pull out the lunch meat, it’s turkey I think, and make a couple of sandwiches with everything that Faith likes: mustard, mayo, lettuce, tomatoes, and two slices of a pickle. I wrap them up in saran wrap so they’ll stay fresh and I put them back in the fridge. At least she won’t go hungry. Then again Faith is hungry almost all the time so I don’t think two sandwiches are going to fill her up for very long.


I go into our bedroom and change into my pajamas. They’re light blue with little sheep all over them. Faith thinks its kind of insane how I still wear things like these but I like them. I’ve always worn weird pajamas and I’m not going to stop just because she thinks they’re strange or that it’s childish. She still plays that stupid play station, that’s childish. And she still reads comics. But no, those aren’t considered childish because she likes to read them. I bet if she wore pajamas like mine she wouldn’t think they were childish. Ok, wait, why am I getting so mad at her? I think I’m going insane. Maybe that’s what’s really going on. I’m not really pregnant, and Faith didn’t snap at me and then leave, I’m just insane. This whole situation is just a figment of my overactive and insane imagination. Now why don’t I believe myself?


I crawl under the covers of my cold bed and my eyes water up. This is the first time I’ve gone to bed alone in a year and a half. Sure, Faith has only been living with me, and Dawn for a year, but before that I would stay over at her place or she would spend the night here. We didn’t always have sex sometimes we just slept. I couldn’t sleep without her, still can’t actually. I’m not used it and I always sleep better when she’s holding me. But now I’m all alone, and it’s one of the most horrible feelings I’ve ever had. I feel cut off from everyone else, like the entire world has abandoned me. I feel one tear slip out and slide its way down my face and it lands on my pillow. Now that one got away the rest want to get out and they can’t go fast enough. I can’t control my sobs and I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m suffocating and I can’t make it stop.


But I think I would rather have Faith gone then have her here and mad at me. And I don’t know why she’s mad at me. I didn’t do anything wrong. We both made this baby, she’s just as much to blame as I am, and that witch is to blame even more. I wonder if they did this on purpose. I mean, if they’re a witch then they must know about slayers and all of that, so they have to know who we are. Maybe they did this just to screw with us. Or maybe Willow’s right and it was a spell gone wrong. It was probably that. I don’t know why someone would intentionally do this. We didn’t ask for it, and I think Faith made it obvious that we’re not ready for it as a couple. Wait, that isn’t fair. I can’t blame it all on Faith. I reacted pretty bad too. So I didn’t yell at her and then leave, but I’m still in shock I guess. My problem is I don’t know how to react. I don’t know what I should be feeling right now.


I can feel her through our slayer connection. She’s back, she’s finally back. I have to make myself stop crying. I can’t let her see that I was crying. She isn’t the only one who can build a figurative wall. I don’t like crying in front of other people, I don’t like feeling weak around them, but I guess I’m not going to get a choice in the matter because she’s at the bedroom door and I can’t make myself stop. But she’s just standing there, why is she just standing out there? Is she changing her mind? Does she not want to be with some hormonal pregnant woman? There’s a good chance that when I start getting fat she will leave me, or she’ll stop touching me. What if she finds me so repulsive she can’t even look at me anymore? What am I going to do then? I hear the door open and I tense up. I really don’t want her here right now, not while I’m like this. But I don’t say anything. As she gets closer my sobs get louder. I don’t want her to break up with me, I love her too much to just let her walk away.


I open my eyes when I feel her presence right next to me. She kneels down next to the bed and puts her hands on the edge of it to help herself stay balanced I guess. She doesn’t look angry anymore. She looks a little sad, and regretful. At least she feels bad for just walking out like she did, if that’s what she’s feeling bad about. Maybe she feels bad because she’s going to break up with me, and here I am sobbing and looking pathetic. What do I mean by look? I am pathetic. There’s nothing about me now that isn’t pathetic. But she’s just looking into my eyes, and she isn’t saying anything. I wish she’d just give it over with. If she’s going to break my heart I want her to do it fast because the sooner she does the sooner I can curl up in a ball and try to forget all of this is happening. I finally force myself to stop sobbing and she takes in a little breath like she’s going to speak but she stays quiet.


“I thought about it, and I know what we’re gonna do,” she says after a couple of minutes. She doesn’t sound angry anymore. She sounds calm, and…understanding? I’m not sure. She reaches out and gently wipes some of my tears away. Her touch is comforting and I want more of it but I don’t move. I really want to hear what she has to say. “You’re gonna go through the morning sickness and I’m gonna try and help you out. You’re going to get really bitchy and have mood swings, but that isn’t too different from how you usually are.” We both laugh because she’s trying to cheer me up. She’s smiling and everything. She wipes away the rest of my tears and smiles again.


“We’re going to talk to Giles about borrowing some money, and we’re going to buy everything a new little baby could possibly need. Your stomach is gonna get bigger and you might feel self-conscious about it, but to me you’ll always be beautiful.” I’m getting tears in my eyes again but because I’m so happy now. She does want to be a mom, she does want to keep the baby, and she isn’t going to leave me. “You’re gonna go through probably the worst pain you’ll ever feel.” That’s true, and every scary. “And our little baby is gonna come out and join the world. And we’re going to bring him or her home and be a little happy family.” I smile again and hold onto her hand the one that’s still caressing my face. Her other one is gently rubbing my stomach and I don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it.


“It’s going to be a girl,” I tell her and smile a little. A little baby girl that we can dress up and play dress up with and have tea parties. I’m really starting to warm up to the idea of being a mom. But she looks a little confused from what I said. “Magic may have helped us make this.” I put my hand over hers, the one that’s on my stomach. “But neither of us have the proper equipment for making a baby boy. Only a guy has a Y chromosome, we’re both Xs. So there’s no way it could be a boy.” She still looks a little confused but that’s ok. As long as the baby is healthy I don’t care what it is. But I really want a little girl. I’ve always wanted a little girl. I smile at her again and scoot over on the bed and hold the covers up. She knows exactly what I want her to do. She stands up and takes off her jeans and crawls under the covers. “We’re going to be mommies.” Now that I know she’s happy about this and wants to be a family I’m getting really excited.


“Yeah, we are,” she says and wraps her arms around me. I love it when she holds me. She makes me feel so safe. “And I don’t want you to worry about anything ok? I’ll talk to Giles about everything and we’ll work something out and if I have to get a job I will. But all you have to do is relax, and grow a baby, ok?” I give her a smile that says I’m about to open my mouth and argue with her. There is no way in hell I’m leaving it up to her to be the one who makes all the money and supports us. Nope, I’m going to get a job too if we have to. But I have a feeling Giles is going to be more then willing to give us what we need. I mean, this is his first grandchild. Oh yeah, this baby is going to be spoiled rotten, and she’s going to love it too because she’s a Summers, and Summers women love to be pampered.


“Let’s talk about the details tomorrow, alright? Lets just savor this right now.” I go along with it right now but we are going to have a very serious conversation about this. She isn’t going to Giles by herself. I want to be there when she tells him the news, now that this is wonderful news. I can’t wait to tell Dawn. Oh, wait, she already knows. Well, I can’t wait to tell her again now that we know what we’re going to do. I snuggle up to her and give her a little kiss on the lips. I’m way too tired from staying up for the last couple of days to make love right now but tomorrow night, possibly even tomorrow there is going to be some very hot loving.


“I love you.” I kiss her again and when we pull back I say it back to her. She doesn’t say those words that often so when she does I savor the sound of it. I can’t believe we’re going to be parents. Tonight I’m going to be thrilled about it but I know there are going to be moments of panic and doubt, but we’ll handle it when they happen. As long as I have Faith by my side there’s nothing I can’t do.


FPOV


Wanna know what my life has been like for the last six months? Well, first B had the morning sickness, which was fuckin gross ‘cause she didn’t just get sick in the morning it was all the fuckin time. We couldn’t go anywhere ‘cause she was afraid she’d need to throw up in public or something, and even though she was being a little too over the top I supported her ‘cause that’s what a good girlfriend does. And then the morning sickness went away and things were fine. She wasn’t having any mood swings, and since she wasn’t nauseous all the time we were having sex again. She didn’t feel as tired and things were great. We even went on a camping trip just to get away for a couple of days.


But then she started getting headaches, really fuckin bad headaches. So bad that she couldn’t get to sleep and she couldn’t take anything because it would hurt the baby. I tried helping as much as I could but there was nothing I could really do. But then the headaches went away, and she got really bad heartburn. She stopped eating as much and the doctor told her not to lay down for at least two hours after eating. So she did what the doc said and the heartburn was no more. And things were good for a while. But like every other time that had to come to an end.


She has mood swings, and lots of them. Out of nowhere she’ll get upset and start bawling. And not just for a few minutes, the longest I clocked her at was two hours. I had to keep giving her water ‘cause if she got too dehydrated she could’ve gone into premature labor. At least that’s what the doc said at our last appointment. And the crying is just the swing. The constant mood is bitchiness. She’s mean all the time, and to everyone around her. And I honestly think she’s overdoing it on purpose just to see what she can get away with, but I’m not going to question her ‘cause I really don’t want to start a fight or nothin.


The weird thing about her though is she’s not getting upset over the fact that she’s gaining a lot of weight. To me she’ll always be beautiful, I didn’t say that just to make her feel better, but she has put on a few pounds. I thought she was gonna freak out about that ‘cause Buffy’s always been really skinny. Her stomach is way bigger, and her ankles and feet are swollen and that’s kinda gross, but other then that she hasn’t gained any weight anywhere else, which is good ‘cause I think if her face plumped up a little she would’ve had a freak out by now. But she hasn’t so I got nothing to worry about. As long as I don’t go shooting my mouth off and call her fat or something like that everything will be fine in that department.


Her bitchiness isn’t as bad when we’re in bed together. She hasn’t been in the mood lately, which is fine with me, so our bedroom activities consist of just lyin together and talking and all that other girly shit. But it’s nice, just spending some quiet time together. She’s the only one I’ve ever really done this with. Sure I dated a couple guys back in Boston, but whenever we were alone we were screwing, and some of the time we didn’t even need to be alone. But with Buffy, I like just lying here and holding her, or bein eye level with her stomach so I can talk to the baby. B’s all excited ‘cause we’re having a girl, and a baby girl is great, but deep down I really want a baby boy. I don’t really know why, but I’ve always wanted a son that I could raise up right and he can be one of the very few good guys out there.


I think it’s kinda cool that we’re having a girl though. I mean, a girl born of two slayers can only mean one thing: she’s gonna be a slayer. We can start the training when she’s young, and make it a game so she’ll want to do it. And with Buffy and me training her she’ll grow up to be the best damn slayer ever. B’s a little unsure about that stuff, but I know we’ll be able to keep her safe. Buffy’s so paranoid that when the magical community (demons and stuff) find out about the baby they’re gonna be comin after us non-stop to try and get her. But that’s not gonna happen. If it does happen we’ll just very bloodily kill the first demon that tries and make sure that shit gets spread around to the rest of the demons who were thinkin about trying some shit like that. The demons try to avoid us as much as possible whenever we go to L.A. or Ohio, and there are no demons around here, just lame ass vamps who can’t put up a fight.


We’re lyin in bed right now, only B isn’t in such a good mood. We’re still living in the apartment with Brat, which isn’t a problem or anything, but ever since Brat turned eighteen she’s been giving Buffy a lot of shit. I agree with Dawn most of the time ‘cause she is a legal adult and technically Buffy can’t boss her around anymore and if she wants to stay out late with her boyfriend she can. But Buffy doesn’t see it that way and they’ve been fighting a lot. They fight, Dawn storms off and hangs out with Willow or Xander for a while, and Buffy comes in here to pout. I’ve never verbally agreed with Dawn, I try to keep mouth shut ‘cause we have a very uncomfortable couch that I hate sleepin on, but I think B knows that I think she’s being a little too overprotective.


“Baby?” I say and look over at her. She has her back turned to me and she’s kinda tense. Tonight’s fight was especially brutal ‘cause Dawn is plannin on spending the night at her boy’s house for the first time and B flipped out. She walked in Dawn’s room and saw her packin a bag and just assumed she was stayin over at one of her friend’s house and when Dawn said she was sleepin over at Michael’s all hell broke loose. The fight lasted almost two hours, and Dawn finally stormed off, got in her car and left. Buffy came in here and has been lying down ever since. That was three hours ago. At this point I’m trying to be cute and using a baby-ish voice just to get her to smile. I hate seeing her like this.


“Sweetie?” I ask in the baby-ish voice again. She sighs and I know she’s trying not to smile. When Buffy wants to be miserable she’ll really commit to it. “Toots?” Ha, I got a laugh outta her that time. I scoot over closer to her and very slowly wrap my arm around her waist and rest my chin on her shoulder. “Cuddle-bear.” Yay for me, another chuckle. “Buffy, for real now, why are you so upset?” She sniffle really loud and I feel her movin around a little bit, probably wipin away her tears or something. She stopped sobbing a while ago, but she probably had silent tears spillin out. “She’s eighteen Buffy. Her and Michael have been dating for a long time, you knew this was gonna happen sooner or later. Why are you getting so upset?” She sighs again and I feel her muscles relax and she leans against me a little more.


“I’m losing her, Faith. I can’t control Dawn anymore then I could back in Sunnydale. She’s sneaking around and going against all the rules I have set up for her.” She’s eighteen for God sakes, give her a break. “If I can’t get my little sister to listen to me, how am I going to get my daughter to listen?” Her voice is strained now and she’s trying not to cry. Aw, so that’s what this is all about. Ok, I need to come up with something to tell her and quick before she gets too stressed and goes into premature labor or somethin. I sit up a little and pull her hair back and give her a little kiss on the neck, just to buy myself a couple more seconds to think.


“Buffy, Dawn isn’t rebelling against you. She isn’t going against the rules or anything like that. She’s growing up, becoming the strong independent woman she was meant to be. And you helped make her that. She wouldn’t be with Michael if he wasn’t a good guy. I know you want to protect her, but it’s time for her to be making her own decisions, and striking out on her own. You’ve taught her how to use good judgement, and now you have to learn to trust that she will use what you taught her. You and her fighting all the time has nothing to do with you being a mom, because I know you’re going to be the best mom ever. You’re going to teach our daughter how to make the right decisions and how to be independent.” I guess it worked because she isn’t crying anymore. She rolls over onto her back and looks into my eyes. Hers are bloodshot from the crying but she doesn’t look as sad anymore.


“You think so?” she asks and sniffles again. I give her a little smile and gently kiss her swollen lips. She kisses me back for a second but then pulls her head away because she really does want an answer to that question. So I give her the honest answer. I look into her eyes and say ‘I know so’, and she kinda rolls her eyes a little bit. “You can’t know that, Faith. I didn’t have to raise Dawn from childhood. Mom took care of all that, all I had to do was make sure she went to school and was home on time. I protected her from the demons and other evils, but most of the work was already done. I don’t know the first thing about raising a little kid. Unless stealing her Barbie and putting it somewhere out of reach is the way to build a strong character, which I highly doubt.” Wow, Buffy was a mean big sister.


“Nah, I don’t think that’s the best way. But we’ll figure it out, B. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, and if you try to be one you’ll drive yourself crazy.” She sighs again and I kiss her very gently, almost like I’m teasing her, but I don’t pull away when she kisses me back. We start making out, but it’s very slow and gently and I know I’m so going to get some by the way she’s running her fingertips over the waistband of my pants. So it’s no surprise for someone to choose this exact moment to call us. And B jumps a little because of it and pulls her head back really fast. “You bit my tongue.” Trust me I don’t sound happy about it.


“Aw, I’m sorry baby,” she gently caresses my cheek and rolls over onto her side and answers the phone. “Hello......hi Willow.” So that’s who I’m going to hunt down and hurt for ruining the moment. See, once B gets out of the moment it takes a long time for her to get back in it, and usually I end up with no sex at all. “No, she hasn’t come back yet. She made her intentions about tonight very clear.” Great, now she’s back on the subject of Dawn and her cherry, now B isn’t gonna want sex for a week.


“I know, that’s what Faith said. And you guys are right.” Wow she actually admitted I was right, that’s very fuckin rare. “Dawn’s growing up, this was bound to happen......No, I’m fine, really. Faith’s here with me and she’s being a sweetie.” Keep that shit to yourself B. “Oh please you know she is. You’ve seen it first hand.” Hmm, I wonder what she’s talkin about? Oh well, it’s none of my business. Mostly ‘cause I do know what they’re talking about, and hey, let’s not. So I get up and go to the kitchen. We’ve already had dinner and I’m not really hungry, but I might as well get something to eat, since I’m not going to be doing anything else tonight. So I make myself a turkey sandwich piled high with tomatoes, lettuce, mustard, mayo, and some sliced pickles. I sit down at the table and start eating. I’m not using a plate and this is gettin kinda messy but oh well. I’ll just clean it up later.


“Baby, we’d you go?” B calls from the bedroom. I guess she’s done talking to Willow. But I can’t answer her back ‘cause there’s too much food in my mouth for even me to talk, and I can talk around a lot of stuff. But I don’t say anything back mostly ‘cause I don’t want to and I’m just using the food as an excuse. I don’t care if I’m being childish or whatever ‘cause we haven’t had sex in almost a month and she totally fuckin teased me. I know she’s carrying my baby, but a girl’s got needs, ya know? So I’m just going to sit here and eat my sandwich and if she really wants to know where I am she’ll come and find me. And I guess she really does ‘cause she’s walkin out of the bedroom now.


“Faith, why are you sitting in the kitchen all by yourself?” I just give her a little look and point to my mouth so she’ll know there’s too much in there for me to talk, and I just shrug my shoulders. She sighs and sits down across from me. We just stare at each other for a few seconds and then she leans over the very small table and lifts up the top piece of bread. I glare at her a little and keep chewing and she just gives me this ‘don’t you dare’ kinda look. Little tip for all you future parents out there: never come between a pregnant chick and the food she wants, you might get your hand bit off. I sigh and let her take one of the pickle slices. “Why are you so grumpy all of a sudden? For a while there I thought we were gonna make love.” I was thinking the same thing. I swallow the bite of food and make sure not to look at her while I talk. She hates it when I do that.


“So did I, then Red called and got you talkin about Brat, figured you wouldn’t be in the mood anymore.” I didn’t mean to use that much attitude and now she’s pissed and it’s a safe bet that she isn’t in the mood. Ok, this is definitely the kind of situation where I say ‘good goin Faith, could you be any dumber?’ I think not. I gotta stop jumpin to conclusions and learn to just sit back and wait to see what happens ‘cause if I had done that I’d be gettin some pussy right now instead of eating this kinda gross sandwich. And here comes a mood swing. Could this night get any worst?


“You don’t have to be such a bitch about it. And just forget it, because now I’m not in the mood anymore. If you want to get laid go fuck yourself.” And she gets up and stomps into the bedroom and slams the door. Hmm, maybe this is why I gave up on looking for love? ‘Cause it’s nothin but a bitch. Nah, I can’t say that. I screwed up back there, so it’s my fault, but when Buffy isn’t being insane from the hormones, she’s really sweet, and we make each other happy, and I’m not talkin about the mind blowing sex that we used to have. We can make each other laugh and smile, and we joke around a lot. We’re still in that stage where we’re so happy and lovey-dovey we make other people a little nauseous. Yeah, we’re happy together, just not tonight.


At least she didn’t tell me to sleep on the couch. I’ve been doin that a lot over the last couple of weeks. I say or do somethin stupid either purposely or subconsciously trying to piss her off, and she does get pissed and we fight, she stomps off to the bedroom and throws my pillow out in the hall and I sleep on the couch. A couple times I talked Dawn into letting me sleep in her bed with her since it’s big enough for two people. And I did not try to feel her up. I don’t care what she says. I was asleep, I don’t have any control over my hands and where they wander when I’m sleepin. Since she got a little freaked out I haven’t been able to con her into the whole sharing thing, but since she’s gonna be gone all night I think it’d be safe to sleep in her room if B does get pissed enough to kick me out of mine. Is it a little weird to sleep in your girl’s baby sister’s bed? Probably, but that couch is just so damn uncomfortable. I’d rather look like some pervy weirdo then wake up with another backache.


I finish my little snack and shut out all the lights. I can see the glow from the bedroom creepin out under the door so B is still awake. That’s a good thing. It means she’s waiting for me ‘cause when she isn’t really pissed off she hates sleepin without me. She needs her cuddles, and what can I say? I’m a good cuddler. I slowly open my bedroom door and B’s under the covers, the only light on is the lamp on my bedside table. She’s pretending to be asleep but I know she’s awake. I change into my version of pajamas, which is nothing but an oversized t-shirt. I crawl under the covers and turn out the light. I roll over on my side so I’m facing her and I wait. When she gets likes this it could take a few minutes but she’ll eventually scoot back until she’s in my arms.


Wow, it’s been almost half an hour and she still hasn’t moved. Guess I’ll just have to do this myself. It isn’t just Buffy who has a hard time sleepin without the cuddles. I’m so used to it now that I look forward to it. In the beginning of the relationship the cuddling thing was a little awkward and it took the unspoken, and sometimes spoke, promise of kisses to get me to do it. But now I’m more then willing when I’m in the mood to. Sometimes I just don’t like being touched by anyone, and there’s no reason behind it, I just don’t wanna be touched. But B’s never pushed me to do something I don’t want to do. Well, in the physical kind of way. Ever since she got pregnant if she doesn’t want to run to do the store she’ll bitch at me until I do it. Anyway, I scoot a little closer to her and gently rub her back and I don’t feel her tense up so maybe she really is asleep.


“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” she says very casually but I can hear the sarcasm just dripping out of her mouth. “Who knows, I might get momentarily distracted and I won’t want to cuddle anymore and you’ll have to go off and pout again. Maybe we should just sleep without touching tonight since I’m just one big tease.” I don’t move my hand or say anything and she isn’t trying to shrug me off her so maybe she does want this as bad as I do. I slowly move my hand from her back to her hip and she doesn’t move. Now is time for the groveling.


“Babe, I’m sorry about earlier. We haven’t made love in a long time.” I can’t believe that I, Faith Lehane, just used the term ‘made love’ and I wasn’t making fun of somebody. I’ve changed so much since I got together with B. She had me whipped in a couple of months, I never ever, ever, ever, ever thought I’d be whipped. But I am, and at times it sucks like hell and it’s embarrassing but whatever. I just wanna make Buffy happy, is that so wrong? “And you know how butt-hurt I can get when I don’t get what I want right when I want it.” That’s true. When I’m horny and she isn’t willing to put out on the spot I can get a little bitchy.


“I know, it’s very annoying.” She doesn’t sound mad, but she isn’t exactly joking around either. And I know it’s trust, she does get irritated by it. Like when she’s on the phone and I’m trying to go down on her or something, or trying to get her to hurry up and get off the phone she can get me off. You’d think after being with her for like almost two years I would have learned to just back off and wait for her, but nope. I still haven’t gotten rid of all my selfish tendencies.


“I know it is baby, and I’m sorry.” Yep, I apologize now instead of just blamin my problems on others. But I kinda learned that before me and B got together so I guess that doesn’t apply here. I scoot a little closer to her and she doesn’t tense up and I’m going to take that as a good sign. “Please don’t freeze me out. You know I need you.” And I do. I need her more then I need air. Ok, maybe not that much, but I still need her a lot. I need her more then I’ve ever needed anyone else. And that says a lot because I’ve never needed anyone before. So I scoot closer until my body is completely pressed against hers and my hand is on her stomach. I can feel our baby moving around a little bit and I smile.


“Has she been moving around a lot?” B let’s out a little ‘yeah’ with a sigh and I back up a little bit. “Let me talk to her.” She sighs a mock sigh and I know she’s just jokin and she rolls over onto her back. I pull down the covers and then lift up her shirt so I can see her stomach. I scoot down the bed so I’m eye level with B’s stomach and gently rub it with both my hands. I leave a little kiss on her warm flesh and I feel her hands stroking my hair. “Hey girly, I don’t think your mom wants you kickin her all the time. Just because you want to hear a story doesn’t mean you gotta throw a fit.” I look up at B and she smiles at me and keeps runnin her fingers through my hair.


“The year is 1999. I showed up in Sunnydale and acted like I owned the place, but I did that everywhere I went. With my badass attitude and killer looks I rubbed people the wrong way every place I went.” Whenever the baby gets really active I tell her a little story, or just talk to her and she calms down. I think it’s pretty cool, and Buffy likes how much I’ve gotten into this whole baby thing. “Now I had this big daddy vamp on my back for a while, and I couldn’t shake him, which is why I went to good ol’ Sunny D in the first place. Now your mom walks in my motel room right after the manager got done callin me a broad. We exchanged some words and then there’s a knock at the door, so I open it up and there is the, the big daddy vamp.” I glance up at B and give her a little smile and I kiss her stomach again. “Now your mom starts freakin out, screamin and almost cryin ‘cause she’s never seen anything this scary.” B gives me a little smack on my shoulder.


“That is so not what happened. You were the one freaking out. I stayed calm.” Yeah whatever, this is my story and I’ll tell it how I want to. “Kakistos showed up and your mama here freaked out and I had to calm her down. We ran into the bathroom and got out through the window and they chased us to this warehouse. I explained to her the number one rule of slaying: don’t die. And she was still freaking out a little bit.” B doesn’t know how to tell a good story. Hers are all about morals and learning something. Mine are about the action, when is she gonna learn that this kid is all about the action?


“And when she’s in the middle of a boring speech,” there was no speech but oh well, who cares? All this shit happened so fuckin long ago. “Kakistos and his gang come rushin in. And this huge vamp kept yammerin on and on about how he was gonna kill us and rip our guts out and lap up the blood.” I can’t remember exactly what he said but he’s a vamp so there’s a good chance I’m right. “So we grab out stakes and get into our badass ‘don’t fuck with us’ stances.” B gives me another snack on the shoulder. The kid doesn’t know what I’m saying so what does it matter? “And we start dustin these guys left and right. Then I get knocked down and Kakistos comes after me, and I stay as calm as ever, but I still can’t get away so your mom jumps in and distracts him with her witty banter.” Another smack and I smile up at her.


“She almost cried like a little girl,” B says and smiles too. “So I jump in and get him away from your mama and I try to stake him up his skin is just too thick. And he’s laughing evilly ya know, kinda like ‘muahahaha’.” I can’t help but crack up laughin when she does that stupid laugh. She tries to sound menacing, but she just can’t. She goes to talk but I interrupt her since this is the part where I save the day.


“So they’re fighting each other, punching back and forth but he’s so much stronger then her and it’s a losing battle that she just can’t win. But I see these huge beams lying on the ground, and the end is broken and sharp enough to kill a vamp. So I run over as fast as I can and grab it. I lunge it through his cold, dead heart and he scream when he bursts into a huge pile of ashes and lands on the ground in a little pile. I’m breathing heavy and my body is buzzing from the battle and I look over and your mom is lying on the ground,” I’m not sure if that’s true but everything that comes outta my mouth now is gonna be a big fat lie, but it’s how I wanted it to go.


“I help her to her feet and she looks up at me and says,” I use a very girly voice for this, “‘Oh Faith, thank God you were here. I thought I was gonna die’, and she wraps her arms around my neck and almost starts cryin she’s so happy. I shrug her off and just like the playa I am I give her a little smile and say ‘ain’t no thang, baby. Now why don’t we head back to my place and you can show me just how grateful you are’. And we went back to my motel room and fucked like rabbits for the rest of the night.” B hits me again and I sit up and then hold her down by her shoulders and give her a bit playful grin. “You might wanna stop doin that Ms. Summers, you never know what kinda reaction you’re gonna get.” She smiles and rolls her eyes but plays along.


“Why Ms. Lehane, is me hitting you turning you on?” she raises her eyebrow a little bit and I smile a little more. Maybe I will get some tonight. I use my sexy voice and say ‘maybe’ and she gets this devilish grin on her face. “Well, I’m sorry to say ‘too bad’ ‘cause I’m tired and not in the mood right now.” My smile falls, I can almost hear it disappear and Buffy starts crackin up laughing. “You should have seen your face ” She starts laughing harder and I just roll my eyes. Then she calms down, or at least she tries to. She wraps her hands around the nape of my neck and pulls me down into a little kiss. “I was just playin baby. Now strip and kneel over my face. I wanna lick that dirty pussy of yours clean.” I get a big shit eating grin and it only takes me two seconds to get my shirt off and I carefully straddle her face. Six months pregnant and she still wants to go down on me, I’ve got the best girlfriend ever.


BPOV


I’ve been extra bitchy today. I can’t help it, and no I’m not doing it on purpose just to see what I can get away with. I stopped doing that a couple weeks ago when I overheard Willow and Dawn complaining about how mean I was being. No, I’m so bitchy because I’m two days passed my due date. I’m nervous and edgy and everyone is pissing me off. I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be talked to. I just want to pace. Why can’t they understand that? I don’t want to sit down and relax. I can’t relax, because this baby was supposed to be out of me two days ago but she won’t come out. I can feel it’s getting close, so, so close, but nothing is happening and no one will leave me alone.


“Buff I know you’re nervous but you should at least try to eat something. You haven’t had anything all day.” Willow is here ‘keeping me company’ while Faith and Dawn run to the store for some groceries. But my redheaded friend is really here to babysit me just in case something happens. I guess it is a good idea, but I’m a slayer for God sakes, I don’t need a babysitter. I haven’t needed a babysitter since I was twelve. I haven’t had a babysitter since I was twelve. So this is just ridiculous.


“I’m not hungry, alright? I don’t want anything to eat, and I don’t want to sit down, and I don’t want to relax, ok? I just want to be standing up and walking around. I’m not overreacting, and I’m not panicking,” maybe I’m panicking just a little bit. “Something’s going to happen soon, really soon, and it’s freaking me out a little.” Willow gets that look on her face, the one she gets before she explains something that’s completely obvious but no one else picked up on it. Only now I think it’s going to be more a sarcastic remark then filling me in on something important.


“Well, what’s going to happen is you’re going to have a baby.” See, told you. I stop pacing and send her a very nasty glare. If you thought the glares I give when someone touches my stuff are menacing, then you should see my ‘no shit, Sherlock’ glares. They’re pretty bad. She gets a little ‘sorry, couldn’t resist’ look on her face and shifts around on the couch a little bit. She folds her hands in her lap and tries to look a little more serious. “Sorry, it’s just, you know what’s going to happen. You made me watch the videos with you, and read the books. You’re prepared for this, so stop the pacing you’re making me dizzy.” She just doesn’t get it. She’s never been pregnant so she doesn’t understand.


“No Willow, I don’t now what’s going to happen. Anything can happen, and once this starts it’s not going to stop. I’m not going to have any control over it.” I’ve always been a little bit of a control freak. Not enough for it to be noticeable or anything, but I am one. “What if something goes wrong? What if something is already wrong? This baby should have been out of me two days ago, that’s what the tests said, they said she would be born on July sixteen, well they were wrong. So what if there’s something wrong with her and I don’t know it?” Ok, now I’m definitely panicking. Willow reaches up and grabs my wrist and uses her magic to make her a little stronger, and she pulls me over to the couch and has me sit down right next to her so we’re touching. I thought I already said that I don’t want to be touched?


“Buffy, there is nothing wrong with this baby.” She puts her hand on my stomach, right over my bellybutton and I just want to smack it away, but I resist the urge. “You’re getting so nervous because you’re worrying too much. Now if you want we can go for a walk, stimulate some of those muscles, maybe get you to go into labor?” I give her a little sideways glace and then rest my head on her shoulder. I’m so scared of the labor part. Obviously I’ve never had a baby, and I don’t know anyone who has. This is just one of those times where I really want my mommy. Everyone is doing their best to support me, but it’s not enough. None of them are her, so how could it be?


“I’m afraid, Willow. I’m so scared that something bad is going to happen.” It isn’t often that I let my walls down in front of my friends like this but I can’t hold them up anymore, it’s just too hard. “What if something bad does happen and no one, not even the doctors can stop it? This baby isn’t natural, Willow, she was made by magic, what if going through this is just too much for her? What if she doesn’t make it?” I’m talking just above a whisper now but she can hear me. She starts to gently stroke my back with one hand and my hair with the other. It’s not as comforting as I want it to be.


“What you’re feeling is normal. All soon to be mothers go through this kind of anxiety. True, not all mothers made their babies with magic, and I don’t know any who did, but she’s going to be fine. At the last appointment your doctor said that she’s developing normally, and that there’s nothing to worry about. If there was something wrong, or the possibility of something going wrong they would have told you so you could be prepared for it. So just try and calm down, ok? Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise.” She can’t promise something like that. She isn’t a seer so she doesn’t know for sure. But I’ll go along with it because she’s trying really hard to make me feel better.


“Thanks, Will. I needed that. And you’re right, the doctor would have told me if there’s something that could go wrong.” The doctor did tell me a whole laundry list of things that can go wrong, that’s why I’m freaking out here. “And we better not go on that walk until Faith gets back. If she comes home and sees us gone she’ll have a huge hissy fit. She’s been so overprotective of me the last couple of days. It’s really cute, actually, and only moderately annoying. If we leave she’ll want to go with us just in case. I’m surprised she even went to the store.” It is kind of weird. I mean, for the last two or three days she hasn’t left my side unless she was getting me something, and even then I tried to tell her that I’d just get it myself but she insisted. And then she just up and leaves to go grocery shopping.


“Well, then why don’t we head over to my place? I can have Kennedy make us something. And before you bring it up, that beef was bad when she bought it, she didn’t try to give us food poising it just happened.” I remember that all too well. Luckily it was before I got pregnant, because I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to avoid things like food poising during your pregnancy. A couple days after I found out that I’m pregnant Kennedy wanted to throw us a big congratulatory dinner but I had to turn her down and we just ordered Chinese instead. I ate the food that I normally eat: chow mein with pan fried noodles, fried shrimp, fried rice, sweet and sour pork, egg rolls, and pot stickers. But about an hour after it all went down it all came back up again, and it burned like crazy.


“No, I’m fine right here. Besides I’m not hungry, I already told you that.” I am starting to calm down a little bit. I don’t know how or why but I’m not going to fight against it. I feel my baby moving around a little bit and I smile and rub my stomach where my little girl is kicking me. I grab Willow’s hand and put it over the spot and she smiles too. My little one hasn’t been moving around a lot since the day before yesterday. She was kicking and rolling around and just generally squirming, and it took almost an hour for Faith to get her to stop, and even then I think she stopped only because she wanted to. But ever since then she’s been really quiet, and it’s kinda freaking me out.


“Ow,” I whisper and rub my stomach a little more. That was weird pain. I’ve never felt anything like that before. Willow scoots away from me a little bit so she can see my face and I guess I’m making a strange expressions because she looks a little worried. “I’m fine, I’ve just never felt anything like that before.” I’m not really paying attention to what she’s saying but I just heard her use the word hospital. “No, no hospital. I don’t think it was that kind of pain. Besides I wouldn’t until Faith gets back anyway. I want her with me on the drive to the hospital.” I know it’s a little selfish because I’d be putting my baby at risk but I want Faith with me from the second I go into labor. That’s why I really want her home right now because I have a feeling it’s going to happen soon, and she’s not here.


“Buffy I don’t think you’re going to have a lot of choice in the matter. Once you start having contractions you have to go to the hospital. Faith has her cell phone with her, so does Dawnie, so if you do have to be rushed to the hospital I’ll call one of them and they’ll drive like bats outta hell until they get there. Faith isn’t going to miss anything. And in the very highly unlikely situation that she does you’re not going to be alone. You’ll have me, and Xander, and Giles, but not Kennedy. Childbirth kinda freaks her out.”


I smile and kinda laugh but I don’t mention the fact that Kennedy isn’t going anywhere near my delivery room. I only want Faith, Dawn, Willow, Giles and Xander inside. And the doctors and nurses of course. Only family, and those people are my family. The A-team (as Faith calls them) are flying up tonight from L.A. They were supposed to be here already but they got caught up doing the demon hunter thing. Cordelia was really excited when I talked to her last week. It’s a little strange, it’s not like we’re good friends or anything, but we have stayed in touch and I’ve met the other two....Fred and Gunn. Almost forgot their names.


I don’t know if Spike is going to show up or not. If he knows what’s good for him he’ll stay away. I have nothing against him, I actually kind of want him there but Faith isn’t going to be understanding about it. She hates him, even though I’ve tried as hard as I could to explain that I was the one taking advantage of him and he was soulless at the time so the rape attempt shouldn’t have been so unexpected, but she won’t see reason. Over the years I’ve learned to forgive and forget and that’s what I’ve done with him. He wasn’t around for me to tell him that but I’ve made my peace within myself and that’s good enough. But like I said, Faith isn’t understanding about it and nobody blames her. And I keep bringing up the fact that if it weren’t for Spike we would all be dead, so if it weren’t for Spike me and Faith wouldn’t be together, so if it weren’t for Spike I wouldn’t be pregnant with Faith’s child. She does have a lot to thank him for, let’s just hope she does it before she stakes him.


“Ow!” I yell and grab my stomach. That was just like before only a lot worst. I think I am going into labor. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. No, no, no! I’m not ready, I’m not ready for any of this. I can’t be a mom yet, I’m too young, I’m only twenty-four years old. How insane is that? And Faith isn’t even here, I can’t go into labor without Faith being here.


“That’s it, I’m taking you to the hospital,” Willow says and jumps off the couch. I tell her no, and stops by the door and turns around. “Buffy, you’re going into labor whether you like it or not, and you have to get to a hospital. We’ll call Faith when we get there.” Why is she being so damn stubborn about that? And besides she wouldn’t be able to make me go to the hospital if I didn’t want to. I am a slayer after all, I’m way stronger then her. Then again she is the most powerful witch in the entire world, the white streak in her hair is her little badge of honor declaring that fact. So if she really wants me to go to the hospital I don’t really have a choice.


“Willow, it’s fine. You watched those videos with me and read the books, and it’s all the same: the mother goes into labor and gets a lot of painful contractions, then nothing happens, then she dilates all the way goes through hell and the baby comes out. So we still have time for Faith to get here before I go to the hospital. And we don’t even know that this is really it. It could be a false labor, those things happen all the time, especially to first time mothers who don’t now the difference.” I really want to make my point so she’ll leave me alone. I’m not going anywhere until Faith gets here and that’s final.


“Fine, I’ll call Faith now and we’ll wait a little while, but if it gets any worst or your water breaks I am taking you to the hospital, and you have no choice.” She walks into the kitchen and gets the phone out of it’s cradle and comes back into the living room and sits down in the recliner that’s next to the couch. I’ll feel a lot better when Faith is here with me. I need her right now, why did she have to go away? We don’t need groceries anyway. Since when have we ever boughten groceries? If she’s going to cook something she’ll buy it a day in advance but we never have a fully stocked kitchen or anything like that. Maybe because we’re going to be having some guests over or something. The A-team are coming up from L.A., Giles flew out from Ohio, but he’s staying with Xander so it doesn’t matter if we have groceries.


“Hi Faith, it’s Willow.” Great, she’s looking right at me while she talks to her. I know she’s going to make it sound like I’m being the most stubborn person in the world. “Buffy’s having contractions so you better get back here......No, she’s only had two that I know of......I have been here the entire time, but you know how is she when it comes to admitting she’s in pain. I tried taking her to the hospital but she’s being stubborn, like she is with everything else, and she won’t leave until you get back here......Yeah, I’ll tell her,” she looks me in the eyes and replies the message. “Faith said to keep your feet elevated and if you get any worst to go to the hospital and call her from there.” Keep my feet elevated? She’s probably panicking. “Hurry back, we’ll see you in a bit.” She hangs up the phone and sets it down on the end table.


“Ok, get those feet up, I’m going to call everyone else and give them a heads up, and Faith wants me to get your bag and put it out here so we won’t forget it.” She gets up and walks into my bedroom and I can hear the closet door opening and then about a minute later it closes. I’m surprised she could even get to it there’s so much stuff in our bedroom. We had bought everything we’re going to need for this baby: a basinet, a little dresser, a swing thing, changing table, and lots and lots of clothes and diapers and that kind of stuff. And Faith decided last night that she should go ahead and set up the swing, changing table, and basinet, so she opened the boxes and pulled out all the stuff and after ten minutes she couldn’t figure it out so she gave up and went to bed. I was already in bed or else I wouldn’t have been able to get to it. We don’t have a very big bedroom, and she filled what little walking space we have with all that crap.


But I guess Willow used her magic to get through it all because here is she now carrying my bag. And there’s no way she’s not using magic to do it because that thing is so heavy Faith has trouble carrying it. Ok, ow, ow, ow. This is a really big pain and I want it to go away. But I bite it back because if Willow sees she’ll make me go to the hospital and I don’t want to go without Faith. But I guess I’m not being as quiet as I thought I was because she’s looking over at me with a lot of concern and I can see her resolve face slowly slipping into place. I’m starting to sweat and that’s kind of gross. She sits down next to me and feels my forehead, I don’t know why but whatever.


“Buffy, we need to get you to the hospital now. No more arguing.” She gets up and grabs the phone and calls Kennedy. She tells her to get the car ready because ‘it’s time’. I swear I can hear her tripping over her own feet to get the car keys. Then she hangs up and calls Xander and tells him that ‘it’s time’. I guess instead of cramming into my tiny car Kennedy is going to be driving us all to the hospital in her massive SUV. It seats like eleven people. She bought it before the slayer school was set up and she used to take the newbies slaying. But they all went to Ohio and she just can’t force herself to sell it or trade it in for something a little more sensible. But whatever, I don’t care. “Alright, let’s get going. Kennedy’s calling Faith and telling her to meet us at the hospital so you don’t have a thing to worry about.” Of course I do, Kennedy’s a moron she’ll probably dial the wrong number or something.


We get half way to the car when another contraction hits and Xander has to hold me up or else I would have fallen flat on my ass. And we just stand here for a few minutes because I can’t force myself to move, and everyone is yelling at me not to push. Well, almost everyone, Kennedy just said something about ‘you don’t wanna drop that calf right here do you?’ I’m ignoring for the sake of Willow because if I kill her girlfriend I don’t think even me having a baby is going to cheer her up. So we get loaded up in the car and Kennedy speeds off to the hospital. I keep yelling at her to go faster even though she’s going ten miles over the speed limit. Since we left the apartment the pain has gotten so much worst and the contractions are a lot closer together. But I refuse to have this baby in the back of a car so I grit my teeth and put up with it and try like hell not to push.


We finally get to the hospital and park out front and Xander leaps out of the car and gets a nurse. That was completely unnecessary because I could have walked, but no, now I have to be in a wheel chair because apparently when you’re in labor you’re disabled. And why isn’t Faith here yet? She said she was going to meet us here, this isn’t meeting us here, this is us getting here first and her coming by later. I can’t have this baby without her here, I just can’t. I guess I’ll just keep my legs shut until she shows up.


I sign in at the nurses’ station and I’m wheeled up into a room. They make my change out of my very comfortable pajamas, and put on one of those stupid gowns that never stays closed. Then I lay in the pretty comfortable bed, and they hook me up to a heart monitor and put an IV in me so I’ll stay hydrated. Kennedy tries calling Faith again but it’s no use. I guess she shut off her cell phone. Why would she shut off her phone? She never shuts off her phone. When she patrols she puts it on silent so the vampires won’t hear it but it’s still on.


So now I’m just laying in a hospital bed with Willow and Kennedy on my right, Xander and Giles to my left and my girlfriend and little sister are no where to be found. It’s been almost three hours since I had that first contraction, and the doctor says I’m dilated really fast so it should happen any time now. I’ve had so many contractions since we left the house and all of them had hurt so fucking bad, but I don’t want any drugs. I just want to get this done and over with. Epidurals get rid of the pain but they do it by numbing your whole lower body so you have no idea when you’re having a contraction and you can only push on the contractions, so it does make it last a lot longer.


But I might get some to prolong the labor so Faith will be here for the birth of our daughter. I can’t believe she isn’t here yet. Kennedy swore on her life that she called her, and talked to her and she said she’d be over as soon as possible. I didn’t realize that ‘as soon as possible’ meant never. But then I hear running in the hallway and I look over at the door and Faith and Dawn burst in. They’re holing about ten balloons each, and both of them have a huge bouquet of flowers. Willow and Kennedy move from my bedside and take the stuff from Faith and she sits down next to me.


“I am so sorry it took so long. We were at the mall when Kennedy called so I went ahead and bought all this stuff and we would have been here sooner but there was a car accident and traffic was blocked and I broke about a hundred moving violations to get here and I don’t even remember where I parked the car.” She’s talking so fast and she’s shaking a little bit. I wrap my arms around her and she hugs me back. I feel so much better now that she’s here. I nuzzle her neck a little bit and force my tears back. I’m just so glad she finally made it. “How are you doing?” Wow, I can’t believe she just asked me that? What is she, insane again? Well, she asked so I’m going to tell her. I pull out of the hug and lay against my pillows and give her a very sarcastic look and she knows she’s in for it.


“Oh, you know, I’m doing pretty good. I’m in the worst pain I’ve ever been in, in my entire life, my friends forced me against my will to come here because you were out doing only God knows what, and I was worried sick for almost three hours because my girlfriend was at the mall and then got stuck in traffic, and I was afraid she was going to miss the birth of our child. How the hell do you think I’m doing?” She gets a very sheepish look on her face and everyone else in the room is trying not to smile, including me. She turns around and grabs someone off the table and hands it to me. It’s a little teddy bear, holding a little red heart and written in the middle says ‘I love you’.


“You really think a little bear is going to make me feel better?” Now she looks like she’s panicking. I can’t just leave her like that as much as I want to. I smile a little bit and hold onto her hand. “I love it, stop worrying. I’m not that mad. But you should have called and said you were stuck in traffic, then I could have stopped worrying.” She scoots a little closer to me and gives me a little kiss on my cheek and Dawn lets out a very sarcastic ‘awwwww’. Sometimes having a little sister just isn’t any fun.


“I know, baby, I’m sorry. But we weren’t sure which hospital you were at and by the time we got the idea to call 4-1-1 the line was already moving and we rushed over as fast as we could. And I’m here now, that’s all that matters, right?” I guess she’s right. But she will pay for this later. I nod my head a little bit and she gives me another kiss only this one is on my lips. I’m about to deepen it, to bring our tongues into play, when I’m hit with the worst pain in the entire world.


I rip my head away from hers and grab onto her hand so hard that she screams along with me. A nurse runs into the room and runs to the foot of my bed and lifts up the covers and checks me down there and announces that I’m fully dilated. She pages the doctor and in the blink of an eye there’s so much activity. People are running around like chickens with their heads cut off and they wheel me to another room and the contractions are non-stop now. This is so much pain, why does there have to be so much pain?


“Ow! Oh my God! Faith, Faith it hurts, it hurts so much!” I yell and she’s right by my side, trying to calm me down but nothing is working. There are so many people running around in here, so many nurses and with everyone else it’s getting really crowded and I’m starting to feel boxed in. And then Faith leaves my side and I think I’m going to have a panic attack. I watch her while this contraction comes to an end and she’s kicking everyone out. Ok, not everyone, the doctor and one nurse are spared. “Faith, another one’s coming! Faith, I need you!” I’m hit with another contraction and Faith is back by my side now and she’s holding on my hand, and lightly stroking the side of my head. I push as hard as I can and I feel like I’m gonna die, but then the contraction goes away and all my muscles relax.


“Baby, you’re doing so good,” Faith whispers and gives me a little kiss on my sweat drenched forehead. That had to be disgusting but she isn’t saying anything about it. I guess she knows it would be smart for her to keep her negative comments to herself. “Just a couple more, and we’ll be holding our little baby.” I look into her eyes and smile despite the pain. But then I’m hit with another contraction and my smile goes away and is replaced with a very pain filled expression, and I scream as loud as I can as I start to push. “Come on baby, you’re doing so good. Come on B, just a little more.” Let’s see you try this, maybe then you would understand why it feels like I can’t do ‘just a little more’. Then the contraction ends and the doubt settles.


“I can’t do this Faith, it’s too hard.” I’m crying, literally sobbing, that’s how much this sucks. I’m never doing this again. We’ve having this baby and I’m getting my tubes tied, that’s how much this sucks. “She can just stay in there and we’ll shove some Barbie’s up there for her to play with.” Faith laughs a little bit so I squeeze her hand extra hard and she stops laughing. Servers her right. “Oh God, not again!” A contraction hits and I scream. I can feel the head forcing its way through and I think I’m gonna die. There’s no way I’m going to survive this. Yes I can, I can do this. Women have been doing this for millions of years right? Well if they can, then I can. I take in a deep breath and push even harder and suddenly all the pressure is gone and I collapse onto the bed and close my eyes. I hear the cries of my baby and I can’t help but smile. It’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.


“It’s a boy,” I hear the doctor say and he sounds pretty happy. Wonder why he’s so happy, I did all the damn work. Wait...it’s a what? My eyes fly open and my head pops up from the pillows and I look at the little baby that’s now lying on my stomach. Its has this gray stuff all of its body, and its crying really loud and has my eyes travel down to the waist area I can see that sure enough he’s a boy. But how? How did that happen? Who cares? As long as he’s out of me and stays that way I’m happy. I watch Faith cut the umbilical cord and she looks just as shocked as I feel. She takes off the latex gloves that the doctor made her wear and she sits down next to me and holds onto my hand.


“A boy, Buffy, we have a little boy.” She sounds so happy, and her smile is huge, and she has tears in her eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look or sound this happy. And he didn’t feel so little coming out, that’s for sure. “And he’s so beautiful.” I look over at the little screaming baby that the doctor and nurse are attending to over at the table. Then I look into her eyes and she has tears rolling down her face. “I love you so much.” Before I can say anything she gives me a big kiss on my lips and I can’t help but kiss her back with just as much vigor. We break the kiss and Faith gets off the bed. She walks over to the nurse who is holding our baby boy, and he’s wrapped up in a big blanket. She cradles him in her arms and just stares at him. He stops crying and just stares right back at her.


The look on her face right now, I wish you could see it, it’s a look of pure awe. I don’t think she’s breathing, that’s how captivated she is right now. She still has tears running down her face and they’re landing on the blanket. She leans down a little bit and brings him closer to her and she leaves a little kiss somewhere on his face, but I can’t see exactly where. I sit up in my bed a little bit and the nurse puts her hand on Faith’s shoulder and motions her over to me. I try to look over the blanket to get a good look at him, but I can’t. Then she sits down and I can see his face, and he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I can’t take my eyes off of him, and he’s just staring at me and he has this look on his face like he’s trying to remember me or something.


“Hi,” I whisper to him and gently run the backs of my fingers over his chubby little cheek. His cheek quivers and his eyes close and his little eyebrows scrunch up and he makes a very loud screech. I count his little fingers, yep there’s ten, and then unwrap the blanket a little and count all ten of his toes. He’s perfect. He’s absolutely perfect, and he’s mine. Well, and Faith’s, but I did most of the work, so I get the credit, she even said so herself the other night while we were lying in bed together. I can’t help but smile as the thought crosses my mind. I finally tear my eyes away from my little boy and look into the water eyes of Faith.


“We have to take everything back and buy it all in blue.” She just laughs a little and nods her head. The big softy is trying not to sob. I wrap my hand around the back of her neck and pull her into a kiss that only lasts a few seconds because she pulls away and looks down at our little baby. I do too, and that’s all I do for the next fifteen minutes until the nurse comes and takes him away to get all the tests that a newborn baby needs. But once they give him back I’m never putting him down again. It’s so insane how much I love him already. I guess there is such a thing as love at first sight.