Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me

Early morning in the Library and Xander wanted to crawl under the table and go back to sleep. Or maybe on top. Taking on the whole psychic gig was supposed to stop his dreams, at least at the time he’d hoped so, but instead he got really interesting surround sound and added texture with the dreams. Which wouldn't have been so bad if he could guarantee dreaming of Spike all the time, or being locked in a chocolate factory.

But no, he had to have dreams of Angelus torturing a girl that looked just like Willow, only with shorter hair. He'd woken up two nights ago screaming and shaking and had made Spike call Giles and ask him to check on Willow. She was okay, it was just all in his head. Still, he had the feeling that the next time they met up with Angelus's minions there would be a Willow-like doppelganger.

Xander had the sneaking suspicion that Angelus knew about him. He figured Spike thought so too. Or it could be just the nice afterglowy effect of finally having sex over a week ago. Either way, Xander hadn't been alone past sundown since their night out at the Bronze.

Then Buffy had called early this morning, asking for an emergency Scooby meeting before school. Whatever it was had her wigging out. So here he was, half asleep, waiting for Buffy to show up.

Willow was being perky, and he had the feeling that she'd stopped for a triple espresso. If so, Xander felt really bad for Oz. The werewolf looked just as groggy as he did and Xander knew he was about ready to start drooling.

Spike was pacing in the back of the stacks, growling and cursing about the fact that all 'good vampires' should be in bed by now. Xander had pointed out that Spike wasn't a good vampire, he was an evil one, but if his lover wanted Xander to walk to school alone in the early pre-dawn hours, Xander didn't mind. He raised his head up on one hand and grinned. Knowing Spike, his vampire was back there smoking and cursing in at least three demon languages. One of these days he was going to get Spike to teach him, just so he could understand.

Giles and Ethan were hiding in Giles's office. He didn't want to know. Spike and Ethan had been ganging up for chess matches while everyone else conferred with Giles or trained after school. These chess sessions usually went on in some vague demonic language that only the three Englishmen knew, and from Xander's guess consisted of dirty jokes and/or limericks. Because there wasn't another good explanation for why Giles would stop helping him learn the mechanism for the new crossbow to blush and sputter and look over at the other two in exasperation.

Xander hadn't asked. Yet another thing he did not want to know. That list just kept getting longer and longer.

“...I mean, don't you guys think this is bad? Xander, did Buffy sound weird to you? She sounded weird to me, and she was getting Cordelia to pick her up! I mean, I know it's not all that safe to walk in the dark but it was almost dawn, so wouldn't Angelus be in bed now? Then again, Spike is still awake. But he's cranky, definitely cranky. Can vampires get sleep deprivation? Are you having more nightmares, Xander? Ooh! I could ask Miss Calendar if she has any little spells to help you sleep! I know we're supposed to be all mad at her but she’s been letting me help out in her classes and, well, I have to talk to her; she's a teacher. Still, maybe she knows how to keep you from dreaming, don't you think?”

Xander wearily looked at his friend. Just listening to Willow was making him even more exhausted. “WILLS! Breathe!”

Willow's eyes got all wide as she stopped and took a deep breath. Xander smiled at her. “You put extra sugar in your espresso, didn't you?”

She nodded guiltily. “And had them add extra chocolate syrup.”

Xander grinned at that and turned to Oz. “My condolences.”

“Thanks.” Oz sounded even more tired than he felt but that could be the after-effects of surviving a sugar induced Willow babble for the first time.

“Xander!”

“What, Wills? You know how scary you are on caffeine. Think of how I act when I have Coco Puffs with chocolate milk.”

“Oh! Goodness! That's bad, Xander!” If Willow's eyes got any bigger and any more dilated she'd be the perfect extra in one of those Japanese cartoons. As it was, she turned to Oz and threw her arms around him. “I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to be all...perky!”

Oz patted her on the arm. “That's okay.”

Xander grinned. Oz was a man of few words but he always said what he meant. If he said she wasn't bothered by Willow superbabble, he wasn't.

Before they could engage in any more banter, the doors to the library slammed open. Suddenly Spike was there, and Giles and Ethan came out of the office, Giles holding a crossbow. Thankfully it was only Buffy and Cordelia, but they both looked angry and scared. Whatever it was, wasn't good.

Buffy threw a sketch book onto the table. “Someone threw a rock in my bedroom window this morning. When I checked around I found this on our front porch. The bastard's been watching us. All of us.”

Xander looked at the book as if it was a snake. Yet another thing to add to his “Don't Want To Know” list. Giles picked it up and opened it, his face losing all of its expression. Whatever it was, it was bad and Xander had the feeling that he was going to find out, despite his wishes.

Spike came up behind him and squeezed him on the shoulder, a reassuring presence. Willow still wasn't happy with the vampire thing but Xander had gotten a few hits off her that told him that was the only thing she was upset about anymore. Evidently if Spike had been human and acted the way he did, he would be almost totally acceptable as a boyfriend for him. And he'd gotten more than one psychic hint that let him know that she thought they were cute.

Not that he told Spike any of that.

Ethan grabbed the book out of Giles's hands and starting looking through it. “Bloody fucking hell!”

Spike growled. “Sending his prey drawings again?”

“Some of these are just...” Ethan was struck speechless. That scared Xander almost more than anything else, the fact that Ethan didn't know what to say. He threw the book down on the table and stood there scowling at it.

Xander looked towards Cordy and Buffy. After Valentine's they had struck up an unlikely friendship, to the point where they had started sparring together the other night. Buffy had speed and strength but Spike had been teaching Cordy some moves and she fought dirty. It was interesting to watch. “Cor? Buff? Can you just fill in the rest of the class, since I'm pretty sure I don't want to see that?”

“Drawings. Of me, asleep. Of all of us. You and Spike dancing at the Bronze. Oz and Willow, Giles on his way home from school. Ethan. Cordelia. Mom. All of us doing something when we thought no one was watching. And mixed with those...”

Buffy trailed off and Cordy picked up for her. “Mixed with those are some of the most disgusting things I've ever seen and I've looked at Internet porn! Cartoons, almost, of...well, I'm too much of a lady to say what but let's just say that I really need to bleach my eyes now. I mean, some of that crap is worse than a B horror flick. That's worse than The Evil Dead!”

Spike growled but he made no move to look at the sketch pad. Xander had the feeling he was holding onto his temper tooth and nail. He leaned back, and Spike's hand moved into his hair.

Evidently it bothered Giles, too. He took off his glassed and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “It's-it's classic battle strategy to throw one's opponent off his game. He-he-he's just trying to provoke you. Us. To taunt us, to-to goad us into, uh, a mistake of some sort.”

“Giles, Angel once told me that when he was first obsessed with Drusilla the first thing he did was kill her family.”

Xander looked at Buffy. “Your Mom...”

“Everyone's family. I'm not the only one in the book.”

Spike growled and moved away from Xander, choosing instead to pace in the middle of the room. “Kill isn't exactly the right term, ducks. He did things, to her, to her loved ones... that even now I think is just going too damned far. Fucking bog-trotting bastard likes to make you stew in your own fear, get you looking over your shoulder. Second guessing, doubting yourself. What I don't bloody well get is how he hid his presence from me.”

“Probably the same way you hid yours from him earlier in the year,” Xander said. He ran a hand through his hair. It was frustrating. He hadn't seen any of this. He turned to Buffy. “What are you going to tell your Mom?”

“I don't know. I've got to tell her something.” She and Cordy each pulled out a chair and sat down. “The truth?”

“That may not be advisable, Buffy. It could put her in even greater danger.”

“But I've got to tell her something! I just can't let her walk around the Hellmouth with my own personal stalker on the loose. I can't stay with her all the time to protect her!”

Cordy patted her on the arm. “Don't worry. We'll think of something. I'm very good at lying to my parents, you know.” His friend smirked and Xander found himself smirking with her. After Valentine's Day he'd sat Cordy down and told her part of what he'd seen for her future. Nothing more than a year and a half in advance; more would get too complicated. Mostly he had told her about her Dad going bankrupt and her not having a dress for the Senior Prom.

This had been treated like the great tragedy it obviously was, and Cordy had been busy going on shopping sprees, buying electronics and otherwise getting every cent she could out of her parents, especially since Xander had told her he didn't see any college fund in her future. For all he knew, Cordy had gotten into her Father's bank account and was embezzling funds to a Swiss bank account.

There were noises in the hall, and it was obvious that there were more kids arriving for school. Kids who didn't have creepy vampire guys drawing icky pictures of them. Then again, innocent people were being killed too. This was all so freaky.

Without thinking, he put his hand out to nudge the sketch book over. Just to get it away from him. It was a very big mistake. He gasped and went rigid in his chair as the images he picked up from just touching the book overwhelmed him.

Blood. Rivers of blood, oceans of it. Staining the world with gore. It was dark and seemed to stick to everything and coated his hands like an evil skin. He could see Angelus. Hear his mocking, his taunting. Xander could feel each cut as his flesh was stripped away from his body, his voice silenced long ago from screaming.

Every single one of his nerves was on fire, the agony of being beaten, abused, ripped to pieces making him beg for death.

Suddenly there was a sharp pain on his face that overwhelmed the others and he gasped. It was Spike. Spike had saved him from yet another vision, this one his worst, knocking the book from his hand and getting his focus back out into the real world and away from the visions of pain and death.

Xander took three more gasping breaths, his lungs burning. Then he threw himself into his lover's arms, his one place of safety.

And cried.

*****

They were all worried about him, and he had yet to leave Giles's office. He'd had tea all but poured down his throat by the gallon. He couldn't blame them for worrying, but he couldn't say anything. Not yet. The only thing he had done after his fit that morning was speak long enough to force Spike to leave with Ethan through the tunnels and made his lover promise to go with Ethan to Giles's house and to stay away. Giles would take him home after school. Later. After it was all over.

All three of the girls had been in and out all day, trying to get him to talk and tell them what was wrong. Even Oz had stopped by, and his presence had been the most soothing because Oz hadn't tried to get him to talk, or to explain. He'd just sat there with him, quietly. Xander had appreciated that.

Right now he was alone in the office, staring out the small window. It was a beautiful day for February, even for Southern California. Clear skies, no clouds. The perfect day.

Xander hated it.

Finally, after hours of waiting came the sounds he'd been listening for. The sound of dress shoes had been etched into his brain this morning when he'd seen this happening. He listened as Giles asked the people if he could help them.

“Is Alexander Harris here? The office secretary told me he wasn't feeling well and was with you.”

“Y—yes. But it's true, Xander is not all that well. Is there something I can help you with?”

Xander got up and went to the office door. “It's okay, Giles. I'm Xander. Xander Harris.”

There were two plainclothes policemen standing there, waiting for him. Just as he had seen. The psychic thing really was getting to be a pain in the ass. Right now, if Drusilla were alive he'd stake her just for the one vision that morning.

“Mr. Harris, I'm afraid I need to talk to you. When was the last time you saw your Mother?”

Xander ran a hand through his hair and tried to look surprised. “Not for...god, months.” He gave a twisted smile. “She and Daddy Dearest found out I was gay. We did a remake of an episode of Cops, only without the actual cops and I was kicked out. My boyfriend probably knows what day it was better than I do. I had a concussion at the time.”

The two cops looked at each other and he could almost hear what they were thinking. Thank god he had iron clad alibis for every night for the past week, even without Spike. He couldn't take the chance of the cops questioning his lover, though. Spike would rip them apart.

“I'm afraid you'll have to come with us. Is there someone you can call? I'm afraid...”

“My Mom's dead. Isn't she?”

Again the two cops exchanged looks. “We're not entirely certain. We’ll need someone to identify the body...”

Xander heard Giles gasp. He was standing just out of touching distance but Xander could feel the concern radiating off his mentor like the heat from a fire. “Yeah. Okay, I can do that.” He looked over his shoulder. “Giles? Can you come with me?”

“Certainly, and I will let everyone else know....let everyone else know to meet at my flat afterwards.” Giles turned to the officers. “One moment, gentlemen, and we'll be right with you. I've been sort of keeping an unofficial eye on Xander ever since he was disowned. Xander...”

“Go, Giles.”

Xander waited until he heard Giles pick up the phone. He was going to lie to these cops, but Giles would know and he couldn't deal with that right now. “So, is Daddy Dearest in custody?”

“Mr. Harris...Xander, no one has seen your Father since Halloween. Were you not aware of this?”

Xander shrugged and looked down at the floor. Hopefully they would think he was upset and not lying. “Nope. That's part of the deal when your family disowns you and kicks you out, you don't get the Christmas Newsletter. Can't say I'm surprised. He was always taking off for a few days for some reason or other and then coming back.”

Giles came out of the office so he shut up. Hopefully, that would be enough. Giles made a move to hug him and Xander shied away. He couldn't handle anyone but Spike touching him at the moment.

“Come on, Xander. Let's go...take care of your Mother.”

*****