Old Enemies... (S/X)
folder
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
47
Views:
12,776
Reviews:
75
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
47
Views:
12,776
Reviews:
75
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Old Enemies Part 42
* * * * * * * * *
Part 42
They’d ended up getting a hotel room a few blocks away, mostly because Trevor had a feeling he and Elliot both would require large amounts of alcohol to get through this without breaking. Whether that would mean breaking up as well, he didn’t know. Still, he was hopeful, considering how easily the blond had accepted Will being a vampire and Harris being claimed by that same vamp.
He set the bag with the two bottles of Jack and six pack of Coke on the small table in the room, then grabbed the ice bucket and left to fill it while Elliot got the glasses out of the bathroom and started pouring.
What the hell was he doing, Trevor wondered. Here he was, less than a week into whatever he and Elliot were doing and… he was about to TELL him? It was unprecedented in the six years he’d been human. He’d never told anyone… not even Jerome and they’d been together for almost three of those years.
Then again, Jerome had never had secrets of his own. He’d been… simple. Transparent. Not… complicated like Elliot was. And maybe that explained it.
He filled the ice bucket and returned swiftly to the room. “If it were done,” he whispered almost despairingly, “ ‘t were best done quickly…”
Elliot bit his lip, looking at Trevor as he came through the door. As much as he’d been the one to start this, he wasn’t sure he really wanted to find out that Trevor couldn’t understand the life that had made him the way he was. He closed his eyes, the deliberately suppressed memories playing behind them. Night. Blood. Death by his hand. Screams. Darkness within and without. It had taken him years to force those memories away and yet… here they were, released again when he’d allowed himself to break and take control during the trauma about Harris.
He groaned his depression and slammed back a large shot of Jack without benefit of ice or mixer, the thoughts, the memories stabbing through his brain.
“I… the things I’ve done,” he whispered, falling into a chair, his head in his hands as he dropped his glass. “I don’t deserve to live…”
Trevor found himself across the room and on his knees in front of the other man, the bucket of ice forgotten on the floor as he wrapped long, strong arms around the smaller body, pulling him into his embrace. “El… El… baby…” He didn’t know exactly what had just happened to his lover but he had a strong suspicion. “No, baby… no… that’s not true… you deserve so much… of everyone in this world, you’re the last one who doesn’t deserve to live…”
Elliot shook his head, his own arms clamping tight around the larger man. “You don’t know, you can’t see… I was DEATH…! Death in the night, death without warning, slipping in and just taking… breaking life, breaking love, breaking… everything… and no remorse, no sorrow, just pleasure at succeeding… just the job, just the mission, I… I can’t…” He broke off, sobbing in deep, shuddering gasps and heaves. “Nothing… I’m nothing… shouldn’t be, shouldn’t know this… you… no-no-no-no-no…”
Everyone had their breaking point, Trevor knew. Everyone had a moment at some point when they looked at themselves and couldn’t accept what they saw. That this was Elliot’s was obvious. He doubted the man had ever truly seen the things he’d done before, and definitely not from the perspective of close to ten years as a civilian. It had to seem so much worse now than it would have if Elliot had confronted his own history years earlier. But he hadn’t and now… now it was up to Trevor to convince his lover that he’d done what was necessary. He only hoped he was up to the task.
* * * * *
He’d moved them to the bed by the simple expedient of holding the blond closer and standing to carry him there. He held him hard and tight, listening with half an ear to the babbled litany of sins and regrets. Trevor didn’t need to listen any closer. He’d already seen it, after all. He’d made a point of seeing once he’d learned of the man’s connection to Harris.
His hands rubbed slowly against the cloth-covered back and he murmured nonsense sounds as his lover spilled all his self-loathing, grief and sorrow into the air of their room.
Finally, the man’s heaving confession degenerated into hiccups and Trevor loosened his arms a bit, pressing soft, slow kisses to the blond’s forehead. “Baby,” he whispered, doing his best to sound as sincere as he actually was, “Baby… it’s okay. You were… it was your job. YOU didn’t choose. You did what your orders required, right?”
Elliot shuddered, unable to believe Trevor was still there after what he’d told him. And as much as he wanted to just accept the comfort offered by the words, he couldn’t. He had to be sure the younger man understood. “I… I liked it, Trevor,” he admitted harshly. “I ENJOYED it! I wasn’t ORDERED to like it!” He felt more sobs building in his chest, trying to burrow their way out through his throat.
The brunette shook his head, pulling the blond flush against him again. “You believed you were doing right, baby. Nobody would hate what they were doing if they believed it was the right thing.” He let the purr from one aspect of his former existence come through, hoping to soothe his boyfriend’s troubled spirit. “It was a crisis situation, baby… and you did what you needed to do. And maybe… the only way you could do it was by enjoying it, hmmm…? You’re a gentle soul, El. Even before you shoved the Captain part of you into his box, you were a gentle soul. And now… you don’t know how to handle your past. Not after letting that part of yourself free again, hmmm…?”
He shuddered again, his body pressing closer to the accepting form holding him. “I… I don’t know how to do it again, Trev,” he whispered hopelessly. “I shut him out so long ago and I never let him out and then I did and now I can’t make him go away again and I’m scared, so scared… of him, of me, of who I was, of who I might become again and I can’t BE that again but I can’t STOP being that and I…”
Trevor sighed softly, his lips peppering soft kisses over his lover’s face, neck, hair. Elliot still hadn’t told him the worst part and he had a feeling the blond man wouldn’t unless he pushed. He didn’t truly want to. His boyfriend had suffered plenty for one night. Still, if it weren’t addressed, it would just hang over them both until the next time Elliot broke.
No, he decided, far better to push now rather than make El relive all of this again later.
His arms held the smaller man even tighter as he let his lips find Elliot’s ear. “What about your lover, baby? I know you had one then. Tell me… tell me what happened.”
He tensed roughly, fighting the hold. He didn’t want to… couldn’t think about… NO, he wouldn’t think about… wouldn’t talk about… “John…” Elliot whimpered, still trying to free himself from the arms restraining him. “He… he was my… lover, my brother in arms, my best friend, my…” he broke off, sobbing again.
“Your match,” Trevor murmured, hating John more than anything else in that moment. One hand cradled the head of soft blond hair against his chest, the other arm tight around his lover’s waist like an iron band.
“My… traitor,” Elliot whispered against the silk-covered chest. “He… sold secrets and intell to the enemy. I… I couldn’t believe it for the longest time, but… they had PROOF and… and he admitted it! I went to him and asked him and he TOLD me… wanted me to join him, and… and I was so…” he sobbed, “So hurt, so broken, so… disappointed! And then he… he… he…”
“He tried to kill you,” Trevor whispered, knowing it was true. “He tried to kill you and while you would have died for him, you wouldn’t let him kill you.”
“I… oh, GOD…! I killed him, Trev! I… I broke his neck and walked away and… I got a MEDAL for it! For killing my LOVER! The man I thought would…”
Trevor held the sobbing, gasping man tighter, small tears leaking from the corners of his own eyes. “I know, baby… I know. You thought… you BELIEVED… he loved you… and I know you loved HIM…” His head dropped to rest on Elliot’s shaking shoulder. “But baby…”
“N-no,” Elliot managed to say, his mind reeling at the fact that Trevor still hadn’t pushed him away; had in fact only pulled him closer. “There are no ‘buts’ here… I… did what I did and… God, I regret so much, but John…” he sobbed again, softly. “He trusted me, or I thought he did. God knows I trusted him. And he… he betrayed me. Betrayed our country. I… I had to kill him. Especially with his knife in my gut.” He pressed himself closer to the acceptance of his new lover, his eyes leaking against the broad chest. “I could have died… and not for my country, not for honor, but… for… John’s greed. His desire for more than he could have on a soldier’s salary… even special forces. I…” he swallowed slowly, finally admitting it to himself in addition to his lover. “I’m not sorry. He would have destroyed so much… for a nicer car… a bigger house…”
Trevor finally smiled, his hands roaming gently over Elliot’s back again. “Yes, El… he would have. And if you hadn’t done what you did…” He raised his head, meeting wet blue eyes with his own damp brown ones. “Baby, we wouldn’t be here. You and me. HERE. Together. And I know John is why you shoved your dominant parts away, but… you let them out again. And…” He smiled again, his hand cupping the blond’s cheek softly. “Well, like I said before. There’s nothing wrong with walking both sides of the street, right?” He moved slowly closer to the lush, full lips, encouraged when his lover didn’t pull back.
Elliot couldn’t quite smile. The memories were too immediate right then for a smile. But he could accept Trevor’s kiss without any sense of regret. His arms tightened around the younger man and he threw himself into the pleasure of tongue meeting tongue, lips meeting lips, bodies pressing together, NEED. His eyes closed again, and this time the only images he saw were himself and Trevor, making love and making each other moan.
* * * * *
(A/N: Thanks to TheShadowCat for the latest review... and don't worry. I don't really write this fast. I simply didn't start posting til I had a good 25 parts written. LOL That's how I'm working on the sequel now. *snerk* More tomorrow, I think. *hugs to all* Thanks again!)
Part 42
They’d ended up getting a hotel room a few blocks away, mostly because Trevor had a feeling he and Elliot both would require large amounts of alcohol to get through this without breaking. Whether that would mean breaking up as well, he didn’t know. Still, he was hopeful, considering how easily the blond had accepted Will being a vampire and Harris being claimed by that same vamp.
He set the bag with the two bottles of Jack and six pack of Coke on the small table in the room, then grabbed the ice bucket and left to fill it while Elliot got the glasses out of the bathroom and started pouring.
What the hell was he doing, Trevor wondered. Here he was, less than a week into whatever he and Elliot were doing and… he was about to TELL him? It was unprecedented in the six years he’d been human. He’d never told anyone… not even Jerome and they’d been together for almost three of those years.
Then again, Jerome had never had secrets of his own. He’d been… simple. Transparent. Not… complicated like Elliot was. And maybe that explained it.
He filled the ice bucket and returned swiftly to the room. “If it were done,” he whispered almost despairingly, “ ‘t were best done quickly…”
Elliot bit his lip, looking at Trevor as he came through the door. As much as he’d been the one to start this, he wasn’t sure he really wanted to find out that Trevor couldn’t understand the life that had made him the way he was. He closed his eyes, the deliberately suppressed memories playing behind them. Night. Blood. Death by his hand. Screams. Darkness within and without. It had taken him years to force those memories away and yet… here they were, released again when he’d allowed himself to break and take control during the trauma about Harris.
He groaned his depression and slammed back a large shot of Jack without benefit of ice or mixer, the thoughts, the memories stabbing through his brain.
“I… the things I’ve done,” he whispered, falling into a chair, his head in his hands as he dropped his glass. “I don’t deserve to live…”
Trevor found himself across the room and on his knees in front of the other man, the bucket of ice forgotten on the floor as he wrapped long, strong arms around the smaller body, pulling him into his embrace. “El… El… baby…” He didn’t know exactly what had just happened to his lover but he had a strong suspicion. “No, baby… no… that’s not true… you deserve so much… of everyone in this world, you’re the last one who doesn’t deserve to live…”
Elliot shook his head, his own arms clamping tight around the larger man. “You don’t know, you can’t see… I was DEATH…! Death in the night, death without warning, slipping in and just taking… breaking life, breaking love, breaking… everything… and no remorse, no sorrow, just pleasure at succeeding… just the job, just the mission, I… I can’t…” He broke off, sobbing in deep, shuddering gasps and heaves. “Nothing… I’m nothing… shouldn’t be, shouldn’t know this… you… no-no-no-no-no…”
Everyone had their breaking point, Trevor knew. Everyone had a moment at some point when they looked at themselves and couldn’t accept what they saw. That this was Elliot’s was obvious. He doubted the man had ever truly seen the things he’d done before, and definitely not from the perspective of close to ten years as a civilian. It had to seem so much worse now than it would have if Elliot had confronted his own history years earlier. But he hadn’t and now… now it was up to Trevor to convince his lover that he’d done what was necessary. He only hoped he was up to the task.
* * * * *
He’d moved them to the bed by the simple expedient of holding the blond closer and standing to carry him there. He held him hard and tight, listening with half an ear to the babbled litany of sins and regrets. Trevor didn’t need to listen any closer. He’d already seen it, after all. He’d made a point of seeing once he’d learned of the man’s connection to Harris.
His hands rubbed slowly against the cloth-covered back and he murmured nonsense sounds as his lover spilled all his self-loathing, grief and sorrow into the air of their room.
Finally, the man’s heaving confession degenerated into hiccups and Trevor loosened his arms a bit, pressing soft, slow kisses to the blond’s forehead. “Baby,” he whispered, doing his best to sound as sincere as he actually was, “Baby… it’s okay. You were… it was your job. YOU didn’t choose. You did what your orders required, right?”
Elliot shuddered, unable to believe Trevor was still there after what he’d told him. And as much as he wanted to just accept the comfort offered by the words, he couldn’t. He had to be sure the younger man understood. “I… I liked it, Trevor,” he admitted harshly. “I ENJOYED it! I wasn’t ORDERED to like it!” He felt more sobs building in his chest, trying to burrow their way out through his throat.
The brunette shook his head, pulling the blond flush against him again. “You believed you were doing right, baby. Nobody would hate what they were doing if they believed it was the right thing.” He let the purr from one aspect of his former existence come through, hoping to soothe his boyfriend’s troubled spirit. “It was a crisis situation, baby… and you did what you needed to do. And maybe… the only way you could do it was by enjoying it, hmmm…? You’re a gentle soul, El. Even before you shoved the Captain part of you into his box, you were a gentle soul. And now… you don’t know how to handle your past. Not after letting that part of yourself free again, hmmm…?”
He shuddered again, his body pressing closer to the accepting form holding him. “I… I don’t know how to do it again, Trev,” he whispered hopelessly. “I shut him out so long ago and I never let him out and then I did and now I can’t make him go away again and I’m scared, so scared… of him, of me, of who I was, of who I might become again and I can’t BE that again but I can’t STOP being that and I…”
Trevor sighed softly, his lips peppering soft kisses over his lover’s face, neck, hair. Elliot still hadn’t told him the worst part and he had a feeling the blond man wouldn’t unless he pushed. He didn’t truly want to. His boyfriend had suffered plenty for one night. Still, if it weren’t addressed, it would just hang over them both until the next time Elliot broke.
No, he decided, far better to push now rather than make El relive all of this again later.
His arms held the smaller man even tighter as he let his lips find Elliot’s ear. “What about your lover, baby? I know you had one then. Tell me… tell me what happened.”
He tensed roughly, fighting the hold. He didn’t want to… couldn’t think about… NO, he wouldn’t think about… wouldn’t talk about… “John…” Elliot whimpered, still trying to free himself from the arms restraining him. “He… he was my… lover, my brother in arms, my best friend, my…” he broke off, sobbing again.
“Your match,” Trevor murmured, hating John more than anything else in that moment. One hand cradled the head of soft blond hair against his chest, the other arm tight around his lover’s waist like an iron band.
“My… traitor,” Elliot whispered against the silk-covered chest. “He… sold secrets and intell to the enemy. I… I couldn’t believe it for the longest time, but… they had PROOF and… and he admitted it! I went to him and asked him and he TOLD me… wanted me to join him, and… and I was so…” he sobbed, “So hurt, so broken, so… disappointed! And then he… he… he…”
“He tried to kill you,” Trevor whispered, knowing it was true. “He tried to kill you and while you would have died for him, you wouldn’t let him kill you.”
“I… oh, GOD…! I killed him, Trev! I… I broke his neck and walked away and… I got a MEDAL for it! For killing my LOVER! The man I thought would…”
Trevor held the sobbing, gasping man tighter, small tears leaking from the corners of his own eyes. “I know, baby… I know. You thought… you BELIEVED… he loved you… and I know you loved HIM…” His head dropped to rest on Elliot’s shaking shoulder. “But baby…”
“N-no,” Elliot managed to say, his mind reeling at the fact that Trevor still hadn’t pushed him away; had in fact only pulled him closer. “There are no ‘buts’ here… I… did what I did and… God, I regret so much, but John…” he sobbed again, softly. “He trusted me, or I thought he did. God knows I trusted him. And he… he betrayed me. Betrayed our country. I… I had to kill him. Especially with his knife in my gut.” He pressed himself closer to the acceptance of his new lover, his eyes leaking against the broad chest. “I could have died… and not for my country, not for honor, but… for… John’s greed. His desire for more than he could have on a soldier’s salary… even special forces. I…” he swallowed slowly, finally admitting it to himself in addition to his lover. “I’m not sorry. He would have destroyed so much… for a nicer car… a bigger house…”
Trevor finally smiled, his hands roaming gently over Elliot’s back again. “Yes, El… he would have. And if you hadn’t done what you did…” He raised his head, meeting wet blue eyes with his own damp brown ones. “Baby, we wouldn’t be here. You and me. HERE. Together. And I know John is why you shoved your dominant parts away, but… you let them out again. And…” He smiled again, his hand cupping the blond’s cheek softly. “Well, like I said before. There’s nothing wrong with walking both sides of the street, right?” He moved slowly closer to the lush, full lips, encouraged when his lover didn’t pull back.
Elliot couldn’t quite smile. The memories were too immediate right then for a smile. But he could accept Trevor’s kiss without any sense of regret. His arms tightened around the younger man and he threw himself into the pleasure of tongue meeting tongue, lips meeting lips, bodies pressing together, NEED. His eyes closed again, and this time the only images he saw were himself and Trevor, making love and making each other moan.
* * * * *
(A/N: Thanks to TheShadowCat for the latest review... and don't worry. I don't really write this fast. I simply didn't start posting til I had a good 25 parts written. LOL That's how I'm working on the sequel now. *snerk* More tomorrow, I think. *hugs to all* Thanks again!)