The Silent Urge Series

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Thank you for all those reviews - I cherish every single one.

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42 Searching

~ Xander ~

I can feel all of them watching me while I go inside the bathroom. It’s really hard to not close the door behind me. I yearn for a couple of moments by myself, just a couple of moments to, well, fucking break apart and cry and then put myself together again. Can’t have them with their eyes and ears glued to the small slit in the door. I couldn’t stand anymore sympathy, couldn’t stand anymore of their pity.

I don’t dare to really look into the mirror. Just fleeting glances that show fractures of myself. A pupil way too small, too round, like the end of a needle. A too pale cheek with smudged blood, tear tracks. Nearly blue lips, pressed thin with frustration. A ragged wound, ugly torn flesh, an angry bite.

I don’t get it. What did I do wrong? Why did Spike punish me like this? Is this revenge for the time I bit him? Or worse: is this him turning around on me, trying to kill me first chance he got and then hightailing when the cavalry rolled in? Everything else, just show and words to... what, get in my pants? Way too much effort for someone like me. Can’t be enough for anybody then. Just a cheap thrill to enjoy hurting and throw away?

You choose your partner after your father, don’t they say that in those girl mags? Find someone whose behaviour is familiar to you, whose actions and reactions you can anticipate? Did I do that? Go for a sick bastard that gets a kick out of torture and violence, rape even? Fuck. A soulless vampire, hungry for blood and violence, no other desire, but destruction and death.

But... Spike’s different? Yeah, of course he is, just take a look into the mirror and tell yourself that again.

I did, didn’t I? Found myself a new sugar daddy, didn’t I?

But...

A weird tingling sensation on the bite at my neck. Like a small spider crawling over the fine hairs on my arm, not touching skin, but producing a ticklish feeling, something...
I can hear the front door closing after someone entered, they’re all talking, chaos, there’s a new voice, male... Angel. Angelus. Angel.

I snarl and pull the door open and there he is, right in front of me. I raise my hands and claw at his chest. Easily, he deflects me, changes into his true face, hisses at me, pushes me, pushes me back inside the small space of this bathroom. Too small for me, my anger and Angel.

“What did you do to-“ Angel’s hand shuts me up. His thumb and forefinger on my cheekbones, squeezing, hurting until tears spill from my eyes, but I don’t drop the death stare. I won't give in.

"You shut up now." Angel growls and stares right back at me, eyes blazing golden fire. "You want to get out of here? Want to get back to Spike, you're gonna shut up and follow my instructions. You can blink twice to tell me you agree."

Yeah, sure. Pfft. I try to bite at the hand that so effectively silences me, don't succeed and I resort to licking his palm as messily as I can.

"Wanna put that mouth to good use? I can give you something to fill it with, boy."
I shrink back so fast and so far as I can. "Fuck you." I try to say, it's just mumble against Angel's palm, but he still gets the meaning and grins at me.

Hard knocking on the door. "Angel? What are you doing in there?" Buffy calls, her voice irritated and tinted with jealousy. "Are you okay?"

I wonder who she means. Angel? Me? There stomps an angry vampire in full true face into the bathroom where your long term slayerette tries to get himself back together after a serious vampire-bite-rape-attack... who'd you be more afraid for?

Angel holds my gaze while he slowly loosens his grip. I'm irritated by the way his hand slides down the side of my face, my neck, until his strong fingers rest on my shoulder, his thumb softly pressing on the bite. Weirdly, it seems to sooth the ache there.

"I- erm, we're- Everything’s okay, Buffy." I say and I'm surprised again at how rough, how exhausted my voice sounds.

"I don't think this is so good, right now. You should have a little bit of time for yourself... at least to put some clothes on?"

"Yes, Xander, maybe you shouldn't be alone with a..." Giles trails off and I swear I can hear him cleaning his glasses, then he starts again: "I don't think the presence of Angel is doing you much good right now, seeing what you went through in the hands of one of his kind."

Angel barely flinches, just a tiny little movement around his eyes.

"And we can't tell yet, what kind of effects this experience has had on you... you could be especially susceptible to thralls or have special longings... Since Spike and Angel belong to one bloodline, these effects could be heightened and-"

It's my turn to flinch, Spike's name makes me want to bawl like a baby. Angel looks very closely at me, but is then too busy rolling his eyes at Giles’ recitations.

"Believe me, Giles" Angel says, annoyance thick in his tone. "I'd be the first one to know if there'd be anything different about Xander. I assure you, there's not."

And here comes the breakdown. There's nothing holding me up anymore, no courage, no shame, no will left. I'm just weak knees and a turning stomach when I slide down and sit heavily on my ass. So, it's true. Abandoned. He didn't care. Spike left me. Angel seems to be all around me, dunno, I'm losing my focus, strong arms everywhere supporting me.

"Come on, let's clean you up." Angel says and his voice is so gentle, comforting. I don't help him but I don't hinder him either when he settles me in the tub, half filled with water that's exactly the temperature I like it. His hands are careful with the washcloth cleaning me, soothing me.

I closed my eyes for just a second, but when I open them again, Angel’s lost his shirt and bows over me, one arm under my shoulder holding me up, the hand supporting my head. "Sshh." He says and combs wet fingers through my hair. "It's alright."

I smile sadly, somehow I'm not convinced. I lift my hand and touch Angel's skin, my fingers leave water trails and he shudders. The mighty Angel shudders. "Is this how you've been with him before...?" I whisper, afraid to break this unreal scenario, but there is a need to know, to confirm what I missed whenever I looked at Angel before.

He doesn't evade me, just looks away with a sad expression on his face, but finds my eyes again a second later, smiling. He moves too fast for me to react. His lips close over the wound on my neck, a hint of elongated teeth and a lot of tongue, he sucks hard- The small tingling from before swells until it's a full chime. I arch up, helpless against this onslaught of emotion. I buck up, water splashing everywhere and moan, grasping to find a hold on Angel's skin with soppy fingers, nails digging deeply.

It lasts another two seconds, this feeling of connection, belonging and endless lust before Angel draws back, his pupils so dilated his eyes only show golden protuberances like the sun does eclipsing.

"That's how we were before." Angel says and it takes me a moment to catch up, to recapitulate the question to this answer.

"What changed?" Sounds like a stupid question, soul and all, but that's not what I'm asking and Angel knows that from the way he clenches his jaw.

"Nothing." He says finally, admitting that there's more vampire inside him than human. Soul or no soul.

"What did you do?" I ask hesitantly and he looks at me with a mixture of puzzlement and worry. "What did you do to make me feel like..." I trail off, the water drops still clinging to the walls are a million testimonies for my reaction.

Angel stares, melancholy gone from his eyes, a sober look on his face. "What do you mean, what did I do? You've been marked. It's a normal reaction to the bloodline - you... Fuck! You didn't know? He didn't tell you? You assumed he-"

Marked? I'm marked? I'm marked. Spike marked me. Whatever that means, but he didn't abandon me. He didn't intend to kill me. Didn't try to get rid of me and he hasn't left me. He hasn't left me.

"Xander, talk to me." Angel nudges me. "But let's get you out of that bath first." He helps me up and towels me off while I stand there like an idiot grinning. "Xander?" Spike marked me. "Boy, tell me now." Angel's commanding voice that pairs itself with a tingle on my bite mark. My marking bite mark.

"You left and we did- you know. I passed out, when I woke up he wasn't there. Then there were Willow and Buffy, Giles and Riley... I had no choice other than to go with them. I didn't want to leave Spike behind. I thought he left me. Oh god, I thought he left me! Buffy said I didn't feel different to her but Giles said I would if I was changed and-"

"Alright, stop." Angel presses his thumb against my lips and shuts off my ranting. "First off, Buffy can't feel that you're marked because she's marked herself by the same bloodline. I marked her, remember, when Faith poisoned me and her blood was the only cure?"

I nod and I feel my eyes go wide. Buffy is marked. A slayer marked and she doesn't know it. Giles doesn't know it, doesn't know that - marked, hm, markees? - don't recognize each other. I frown. Wouldn't it be kinda neat to know who's in your bloodline? This doesn't make sense. "Shouldn't we..."

"Yeah, you would, but the bond needs to be renewed time after time, to have these positive effects."

"So she's inactive?" I'm thinking sleeper or Borgs inactive...

On cue, Buffy pounds on the door again: “I really think you should get out of there now.” She says and sounds beyond angry.

Fuck. I have so many questions. I want to be alone with Angel. I want him to explain stuff to me. I want to be with Spike. I need to get back to Spike.

“Can you get me out of here? I- Spike, I need to see him, I...”

Angel nods. “I promised him I’d bring you back. He trusts me to bring you back. You need to trust me, follow my lead?” He looks at me with serious eyes.

Slowly, I nod. “Don’t have a choice, do I?” I say but I manage a tiny, hopeful smile.
“If you don’t get out of there, I’ll come in!” Buffy hollers again and pounds another time against the thin wood of the door for effect.

Fuck!


_____________tbc_________

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