Complement

III – Halo

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You wear guilt ~ Like shackles on your feet ~ Like a halo in reverse ~ I can feel it ~ The discomfort in your seat ~ And in your head it's worse ~ There's a pain ~ A famine in your heart ~ An aching to be free...
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Buffy ran, but where could she run to? Who was there to run to? What was she running from? Who was she running from? Faith? Herself? So she just kept running, she ran until she couldn't run anymore, 'til her legs gave out and she stumbled and fell to the ground.

She laid there, her thoughts, feelings, one big jumble. She couldn't distinguish one from the other. She was terrified. Afraid of opening up, afraid not to. Afraid to love, afraid to be loved. Afraid of what she was becoming, afraid of what she might not become. Afraid to risk anything, afraid not to, afraid to lose more than she had already lost. All the fear, the grief, the regret, the guilt, the remorse, all of it was too much.

She knew she had been pulling away for quite some time. She had been shutting down, closing herself off from everything, from everyone. It would be easier, she had thought. Easier for them if she moved away, easier for them when she died, died young like every other Slayer before her. But she hadn't been the one to die, and now... now she didn't know anymore. She had to wonder who she had been trying to make it easier for, them or herself.

Now on top of everything there was Faith. Faith who had once been her friend, the wild part of Buffy, the other half of herself. Faith who was now her enemy, or was it that she was Faith's enemy? The special bond they had shared, the only one who could ever really understand her. Even Angel couldn't understand, only another Slayer could.

Only Faith could appreciate the weight that had found a home on her shoulders the day she was called. Faith bore that weight too. Only Faith could comprehend waking up every morning with your first thought being whether or not this was the day you were going to die. Only Faith grasped what it was like to know that you wouldn't live long enough to see a gray hair on your head, hold your grandchild in your arms, if you even lived long enough to have your own child. That, at best, they only had a year or two left on this plane of existence. Only Faith could know the anguish of all those you hadn't saved, because you were a second too slow, because there was only one of you and thousands of them.

The same Faith that she had been a hairsbreadth away from beating to death this morning. The same Faith that would not have stopped her. Would have let it happen to try, in Faith's way, to make things right between them. Buffy silently thanked whoever was in charge up there for sending the voices of the past to her. For making her actually HEAR and comprehend the words. She had a small glimpse this morning at how effortless it would be to give into the seductive siren's call of the dark side. The promises it made sweet, as poison fell from its lips.

But for all that Buffy had learned, admitted to herself this morning there were still a few things she wasn't ready to deal with. Didn't know if she ever could deal with. She purposely steered her thoughts away from them. Away from how she had felt being held in Faith's arms, away from what she had glimpsed in the other Slayer's eyes, away from the feelings she herself had been denying.

Despite all of it, she still wondered whether she could trust Faith. Had she changed? What was she really doing here? Why wasn't she still in jail? What did she really want? Who was Faith really? Was she the woman who had wreaked havoc on Buffy's life or was she the woman who had held Buffy safe in her arms last night? Too many questions and not enough answers.

Underlying all of this, there was the hard, cold fact that she was still angry at Faith. For holding a knife to Willow's throat. Strangling Xander. Poisoning Angel. Threatening her Mom. Forcing Buffy to hurt her. For turning to the dark side. Rejecting the hands - 'my hand' - that were held out in friendship, in trust, to help. For betraying them, betraying her. Angry for so many reasons she couldn't even count them all.

It was all too much again. She was so weary of it all. Without blinking Buffy let herself slip back into the armor she had been wrapping herself from the world in. She picked herself up off the ground and started walking, only this time she had a destination in mind.
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Faith was still in the same position since Buffy had run out earlier this morning. Her arms wrapped around her drawn up legs, her forehead resting upon her knees. Occasionally a soft sigh escaped her. At this point, she pretty much had no feeling in her lower extremities, but she didn't care. She was too busy trying to make sense out of everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.

What the fuck had happened last night and this morning? What had happened to the Buffy she knew? Buffy had been acting more like Faith's old self. Had things really been that bad over the last year? Faitew tew there was more to this than just Mrs. S's death. There was a sort of detachment about her now and Faith knew all about that. She was an expert at pushing people away. Even so, it was funny how after all this time there was still the connection between them. The connection that allowed them to see what lie beneath the surface of the face they both showed the world.

It was different now though. Buffy had closed off a part of herself. Faith suspected that it wasn't just her that was shut out, but Buffy's friends and family too. She had seen the coldness in Buffy's eyes. A coldness that she hadn't even seen nig night Buffy had stabbed her, and it scared the shit out of Faith.

She knew what it was like, knew where it led, when you killed off a part of yourself. When you stopped letting people in, stopped allowing yourself to feel. Knew what a lonely place it was. Knew the longer you stayed there the harder it was to come back. To reach out, to ask for help, to grasp onto the hand that was reaching out. How easy it was just to let the nothing, the numbness be your friend, lover. She knew what it was like to think there was no one who could possibly understand. Looking into Buffy's eyes had been like looking at her own reflection in the mirror not to long ago.

Faith made a decision right then and there. No matter what it took, no matter whether Buffy wanted her help or not. She didn't care if it meant letting Buffy beat the living shit out of her, Faith would do anything to make that coldness in Buffy's eyes go away. There was no way Faith was going to let her go down that road. Faith had lived through and caused enough pain for both of their lifeti she she could share. Whether Buffy fucking liked it or not she was going to learn from Faith's mistakes. Unlike Faith, Buffy was going to learn the easy way...

Even if it meant that Buffy ended up hating her for it...

Even if it meant that Faith ended up hating herself again for it...
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…Can't you s All All love's luxuries ~ Are here for you and me ~ And when our worlds they fall apart ~ When the walls come tumbling in ~ Though we may deserve it ~ It will be worth it ~ Bring your chains ~ Your lips of tragedy ~ And fall into my arms – Depeche Mode
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Continued in Chapter IV – Return to Innocence