The Princess of Denial

“Faith,” Buffy says but it sounds more like a whine. I hate it when she says my name like that. She knows it always gets under my skin. “You can’t keep turning everyone down like that.” I just sent reject number five walking and B isn’t happy about it at all. We’ve been at Blender for an hour now and the only people B can find that she thinks I’ll like all looked like they coulda been models for Abercrombie and Fitch, and most of ‘em smelled like Axe Body Spray.


“Sorry, B, but none of these guys are my type,” I tell her and down another shot. One of the guys was my type and it actually hurt a little telling him to step off. The truth is I’m having too much fun hanging out with B and I don’t want it to end. There’s another more selfish reason too. Marcus showed about twenty-five minutes ago, uninvited, and B’s been turning down almost all his offers to dance ‘cause she wants to be my wing-woman or whatever. I’m not saying I’m a spiteful person, but these two have been keeping me up all week and I guess this is my way of getting back at him.


“Want me to ask Willow to help you find a girl?” she asks and my eyes go wide. They’re not all wide ‘cause of what B just asked but at the thought of Red coming over here and ‘finding me a girl’. The conversation we had a couple days ago instantly runs through my mind and I get this panicked feeling. If B asks Red to find me a girl I know she’s going to play dumb and drop a bunch of hints. She’s been doing that all week. Ever since that stupid conversation she’s been pushing the issue and it’s getting on my nerves.


“Uh, no thanks, B. Red’s having a good time. Wouldn’t wanna take that away from her,” I say and take a sip of my drink. Kennedy finally came back from that secret mission she was on, and I’m surprised they agreed to leave the house. If I were Red or Ken I’d would’ve stayed home and gone a few rounds while we had the house to ourselves. Seriously, who the fuck comes out to dance when this is the first time they’ve seen each other in weeks?


“Yeah, she is. It’s nice to see her smile again. She gets so depressed whenever Kennedy leaves,” B says and sips at her beer. I dunno how she can drink that crap. The stuff I keep stocked at the house is fine but she bought the cheapest shit in this place. Guess she doesn’t wanna drink too much tonight. The perfect way to make sure you keep your drinking to a minimum is to buy the shit you hate ‘cause it takes you longer to finish the glass and you won’t drink as much overall. I taught her that.


“You think something’s going on with Ken?” I ask and she gives me a confused look. How does she look so cute when she looks like such a stereotype dumb blonde? “She’s always leaving on those secret missions. Something’s gotta be up, right?” I normally don’t gossip about people, but I don’t want there to be an awkward silence like there was earlier in my room. If that happens she might leave to go dance with Marcus and I might not get her back.


“I don’t know. Will said she leaves mostly so they can spend some time apart. No one is interesting enough to spend all of your time with and this way they always have something new to talk about when Kennedy comes back.” I try as hard as I can not to give B a weird look. I agree with what she’s saying, and if it’s true it’s a good idea ‘cause it’ll keep the relationship fresh or whatever. But B spends almost all of her time with Marcus and it’s annoying.


“That’s good then. Last thing the house needs is the two of them splitting up.” I don’t even want to imagine the nuclear warfare that would take place if they broke up. It would be really fuckin bad. Lots of screaming, and door slamming, probably lots of holes punched into the wall, and there’d probably be a lot of casualties. We’d all be forced to pick a side and before you know it the house is being blown up ‘cause Willow can’t keep the magic in check.


“If you just jinxed it, I’m so going to kill you,” B says with a little smirk on her face. We’re so passed the whole ‘trying to kill each other’ stage. It was a phase that lasted for a long time but we’re over it now. I finish off the last of my drink and look into her eyes. God, she has really pretty eyes. The lighting in here and the eye shadow she’s wearing is making them look green instead of the hazel they usually are.


“Whatever, B, like you could ever take me,” I say and it sounds way more suggestive than I was going for. She gets a little blush on her cheeks and she breaks the eye contact we had going on. Great, why did I have to go and open my fuckin mouth? Now she’s probably gonna go run off to Marcus and it’ll be another two weeks before I get to spend any time with her. She looks up at me through her eyelashes and my breath hitches in my throat. Damn, that looks sexy.


“You know if I really wanted to, I could take you,” she says and her voice sounds all…hot and smoky. Is she making it sound like that on purpose just to fuck with me or was that an accident? I have no idea how to respond to that. My body seems to have an idea or two though. My blood is running faster, it feels like someone just turned the heat up to a hundred two, and my pussy is so wet I could open my own themed water park. I need to get out of here before I do something stupid. I can’t just jump up and bail ‘cause she’ll definitely ask about that later.


“I’m gonna go get another drink, you want another?” I ask and my voice sounds all fucked up. Oh god, did it just crack? What the fuck am I, a fifteen-year-old boy who just hit puberty? B gives me a little smile and shakes her head no. I get up as casual as possible but my knees are shaking a little bit. Man, I really need to get laid. If B being a little suggestive and giving me a look like that gets me this turned on than I really need to get off.


I don’t go to the bar and buy another drink though. That would take way too long. Instead I make my way over to Red and Ken’s table. I’m sure they won’t mind if I steal their drinks. There’s like a forty percent chance they’ve been drugged with something, but I’m willing to take the risk. Dump out your drinks if you leave ‘em unattended, girls, ‘cause ya never know what kinda perv is gonna be at the club that night. After I down whatever the fuck that just was that tasted like piss, the lovebirds make their way back over to the table. Kennedy looks annoyed but Red has a little smile on her face. Great, this is gonna suck.


“Bitch, that was mine,” Ken whines. She sounded like a spoiled five-year-old who just had the last chocolate chip cookie taken from her. Well, now that I’m thinkin about it, if that had been a chocolate chip cookie there would’ve been blood spilled. Ken’s got a serious sweet tooth and she doesn’t fuck around about it. A couple months ago I took the last piece of her birthday cake and she didn’t talk to me for three days. I can’t blame her though, it was an awesome cake. Red bought it from some specialty store. Why the fuck am I still thinking about this?


“Well, I’ll buy you another one. Just chill out,” I tell her and give her a dimple filled smile. No one can stay mad at the dimples, it’s humanly impossible. I guess it did the trick because she doesn’t look as irritated. Don’t get me wrong, she still looks irritated, but not as much. Red wraps her arm possessively around Kennedy’s waist and gives me a mock glare. This is something we do all the time so I know she’s just playing around.


“Back off, Faith,” she says with a little scowl but she sounds like she’s having a hard time trying not to laugh. “The only person getting my woman drunk tonight is me.” I can’t help but laugh at that, and it’s a genuine laugh too. I think that’s the first real laugh I’ve had in the last couple of hours. I’ve been feeling off and it’s definitely bringing me down.


“Don’t worry about me, Red, she’s all yours,” I say. Kennedy gets a dopey smile on her face and gives Willow a little kiss on the cheek. What was I talking about earlier? Of course there’s nothing wrong with these two. They’re still all adorable and lovesick. It makes me wanna mess with ‘em, so I do. “How fuckin hot would it be if the three of us hooked up, though?” I wiggle my eyebrows for added affect and bingo. Red’s blushing just as dark as her hair. I love it when that happens.


“The ice caps would probably finish melting and the whole world would drown. I think it would be better if we didn’t,” Kennedy says and wraps her arm around Willow’s waist. Like I said before, when it comes to what’s hers Kennedy can be crazy possessive. Well not really crazy possessive, like bossing Willow around and telling her when she can’t go out or who she can and can’t hang out with. If she started getting all controlling and shit I’d definitely step in and kick her fuckin ass all the way to Timbuktu.


“You’re probably right. The world just wouldn’t be able to handle the hotness of us,” I say and give her a little smile. Sometimes she takes my joking a little seriously ‘cause she knows if they broke up and Red offered I wouldn’t hesitate to jump into bed with her. Well, I’d hesitate for like a second to make sure it’s something I really wanna go through with. Red’s come a long way from being the geek I used to make fun of, that’s for damn sure.


“I’ll take that drink anytime, Lehane,” Kennedy says and gives me a little eyebrow raise before she kisses Willow. It starts off as a short, kinda chaste kiss and Red is the one who deepens it. I guess they have enough alcohol flowing through their blood to not care who sees them making out in public. And I guess that’s her way of dismissing me from the table. She can be such a bitch sometimes. She’s lucky she’s hot or I wouldn’t put up with it.


“Ok, I guess I’ll catch you guys later,” I tell ‘em. Red mumbles something but I can’t understand her ‘cause Kennedy’s too busy suckin on her bottom lip. They’re little…public display of affection is doing nothing but adding fuel to the fire that is my burning hot libido. I think I’ll go get another drink. Kennedy can kiss my ass sideways if she thinks I’m actually going to buy her another one. She’s always drinking the last of my beer at home so she can get her own damn drinks while we’re here.


I make my way to the bar and shove my way through all the people waiting for a drink. The service in this place kinda sucks. Ok, it really sucks because they had to let go one of their bartenders and Nathan has a hard time keeping up. But the prices aren’t that high so it’s worth the wait. While I’m standing here I feel someone grab my ass but I don’t do anything about it. The skirt B picked out makes my ass look even hotter than it usually does so I can’t blame whoever did it. If they do it again though then they’re getting a broken nose.


I go back to my table but Buffy isn’t there. Maybe she left? Since Marcus is here I wouldn’t fuckin doubt it. She’s ditched almost all the other scooby hang out times since she started dating that douche. I guess it was just a matter of time before she skipped out on this one. I sit down on my chair and my eyebrows knit together a little. Her jacket is still on the back of her chair. Hmm, maybe she’s just in the bathroom. I glance up when Dawnie sits down next to me and she doesn’t look happy at all.


“Hey Brat, what’s with the look?” I ask her and take a little sip of my drink. I can feel the alcohol starting to buzz through my system and it feels good. Maybe it’ll help me forget about all the shit I’ve been going through lately. Dawnie lets out a big dramatic sigh and I have to force myself not to roll my eyes. She takes after her sister alright. I guess it’s just in the Summers DNA code to be drama queens.


“I met this totally cute, really funny guy who can actually dance,” she says and lets out another dramatic sigh. I hate it when they do this. She and B have a few things in common, the main one is they never tell you the whole story up front. You have to keep prying and sometimes they get pissy because they think you’re making fun of them or something. Don’t ya hate it when chicks act like that?


“So he sounds like a keeper, what’s the problem?” I ask and take another sip of my drink. I think I need a break the two of them. It would be kinda nice to get outta scooby headquarters for a while. Take a little vacation, maybe somewhere warm that has a beach so I can work on my tan. Man that sounds really awesome. Fat chance of that happening though ‘cause I don’t have any extra cash, and Giles is such a fuckin tightwad when it comes to the council funds we have to fight with him almost every time we have to do grocery shopping.


“I’m sure he is a keeper. His girlfriend thinks so too since she just called me a whore and stepped on my foot. Nevermind the fact her boyfriend made me think he was single and asked me to dance.” Ouch, poor girl just can’t catch a break in the love department. Dawnie’s hot and all, and I mean that platonically, but she can be kind of a spaz. “Why can’t I meet a guy like Marcus? Why does Buffy always get the good guys?” Great, talking about that douche is the last thing I wanna do right now.


“Buffy doesn’t always get the good guys, D. Angel killed half of Sunnydale, and Parker was an asshole,” I tell her and finish off my drink. I’ve had six tonight so I guess I better stop. I can hold my liquor, I’m part Irish and all that, but I don’t wanna get wasted. I’m afraid I’ll lose control and with the way I’ve been feeling that would be bad. I’m already a little drunk so I better stop now before I get full-blown shit faced. “Speaking of B, have you seen her?” She’s either on the longest bathroom break in the history of the world or something’s up.


“About ten minutes ago. She told me there was a vampire leaving out the back and just because she isn’t keeping an eye on me it doesn’t mean I can do something she wouldn’t approve of.” Buffy went out the back ten minutes ago to slay a vampire? That’s a long fuckin time to be slaying a probably drunk vampire who took a chick or dude outside for a late night snack.


“What the hell Dawn, why didn’t you say anything before?” I ask and trust me I sound pissed off. I reach into my jacket and pull out my stake. Maybe a group of ‘em showed up and ambushed her or something? It’s unlikely but it’s still a possibility. We aren’t the only slayers around anymore but vampires and demons still like to give us shit because we’re the originals. They could’ve kidnapped her and are gonna use her in some weird ritual or some shit like that. Demons love their rituals.


“Wait, Faith, I don’t think there-” she gets cut off when I get too far away and her voice gets lost in the loud music thumping out of the speakers. At first I try to be nice about making my way through the crowd of people. The layout of this place sucks and there’s a shit load of thirsty Beyonce wannabes blocking the way to the back door. Then an image of B lying on the ground in the back alley, her face ghost white, and all the blood drained from her body flashes through my mind and I just start shoving through the motherfuckers.


The door doesn’t open very fast and it feels like there’s something wrong with the hinges. I’m gonna have to talk with someone about that ‘cause if it’s tough for a slayer to open than it’s gotta be almost impossible for a normal person and that’s a safety issue. Point is: the door was hella hard to open and it didn’t make a sound. That could work for me though ‘cause if there are any vamps out here maybe they didn’t hear me come out and I could surprise ‘em. Yeah, and B says I put no thought into my attacks.


I look around but I don’t see anything except for the normal stuff you’d expect to see in a back alley. There’s a dumpster and some trash plus some old chairs and shit that some people just left back here. I close my eyes and concentrate for a second but I don’t feel any bad tingles that I normally feel when there’s a vampire around. I take a deep breath and try not to panic. This doesn’t mean anything. Maybe she ran off after the vamp and she’s fighting it right now.


I hear something. It sounded like a little groan and now there’s a bunch of heavy-ass breathing. I guess that’s the person B saved from the vamp. They’re probably hurt. I guess I should see if they need any help. Buffy always gets irritated ‘cause she thinks I don’t care enough about the people we save. I follow the sound and it’s coming from the other side of the dumpster. I slowly make my way towards it just in case it turns out to be some kind of demon or something.


I don’t see a demon, and I don’t see a person in distress. What I see is the cro-mag, otherwise known as Marcus, standing on the other side of the dumpster and leaning against the wall. He’s got his head tilted down and he’s breathing really fuckin heavy. What the fuck is he doing out here? And where the fuck is Buffy? I open my mouth to ask him that but as I do I also completely walk around the dumpster and then both of my questions are completely fuckin answered. The words Dawnie yelled at me as I ran off jump into my mind and I feel like an idiot.


Buffy the vampire slayer, Buffy the prude, Buffy the self righteous blonde chick with a stick shoved far up her ass no longer has any more talking room. She can’t look down on me for sleeping with someone I barely know. She can’t tell me I deserve better or get grossed out for ‘stealing someone else’s underwear’. Nope, she can’t do any of those things anymore and I’ll tell ya why: the cro-mag is leaning against the wall and breathing hella heavy and groaning every once in a while because Buffy is down on her knees in this dark, dirty alley and sucking his cock.


My eyes go wide, my breath gets caught in my throat and my jaw drops. My whole body goes completely numb and before I can stop it my stake drops from my hand. The sound of it hitting the ground echoes off the walls and it announces to anything within ear shot that I’m right behind them. I know I should run because I just heard Marcus mumble ‘oh shit’ and now he’s zipping up his pants. B jumps up ala slayer style and she whips around. She looks shocked and her face looks ghost white, but if I had to guess I’d say she doesn’t have all the blood drained out of her body.


“Faith,” she says and her voice sounds shaky as hell. That breath that was caught in my throat finally escapes. It hisses out like air being forced through a small space and the sound it makes sounds really fuckin weird. “Faith we were just….” She trails off. I guess she can’t make herself say it. I just caught her giving her boy toy a blow job in some dingy alleyway and she’s still acting like a prude. That’s just like her. She can fuck two vamps and give this cro-mag oral sex in public and she’s still so far above me.


“I know what you were doin, B. I’m not defective,” I practically spit out. She has the decency to look ashamed, and her head tilts down a little and she stares at the ground. I get this feeling in my chest that fuckin burns throughout my entire body. It’s like the feelings I get whenever I have to listen to them have sex in her room, but it’s a million times worse. It’s like someone just took the sun and shoved it through my skin, muscles and breastbone, and now it’s slowly burning away my insides.


“What are you doing out here, Faith?” she asks and looks up into my eyes. She has some little tears making their way down her face. I feel a little pang of guilt because even though my haze of anger and alcohol I know those tears are my fault. But what-the-fuck-ever. She was the one out here on her knees like a hooker. Why the fuck should I feel guilty? She’s lucky it was me who interrupted and not Dawnie or she’d use it against B for the rest of their lives. “I thought you were hanging out with Willow and Kennedy.”


“I was,” I say and my voice sounds so fuckin strained I’m surprise I can even talk. Why the fuck does it sound like that? Oh, it’s because I’m starting to cry. Shit. Why the fuck is that happening? I don’t want to cry in front of Buffy. It’s number three on my list of nightmares I really don’t want to come true. “But then Dawn told me you came out here to fight a vamp and I thought you might need some help. Since when are you a fuckin liar, B?” My voice doesn’t sound strained anymore. The tears have been traded in for blind rage.


“Why don’t you back off? What we choose to do is none of your business,” the cro-mag who just had B’s pretty lips wrapped around his dick says and takes a couple steps towards me. I guess I was wrong when I said me calling him a cro-mag only has to do with his looks and not his intelligence. He’s knows I’m a slayer, he knows slayers are really fuckin strong, and yet here he is practically begging me to rip him a new one. It would be so easy too. One twist and a strong pull and his dick would be fuckin gone.


“Did your mom drop you on your fuckin head? Mind your own goddamn business!” I yell, and my fists clinch at my sides. My shoulders are really fuckin tense and my back muscles are so tight they feel like they’re gonna fuckin snap like a rubber-band stretched too thin. B notices these warning signs right away and she doesn’t ignore them. That’s a good thing considering I’m about to run my fist through her boy toy’s head. She turns sideways and puts her hand on his arm. He doesn’t break the strong eye contact he’s got goin with me though.


“Babe, just let me handle this, ok?” she says and her voice sounds really fuckin small. It’s almost like she’s afraid of him, like she’s afraid of how he’s going to react to her request. It makes me wanna beat the shit out of him even more. He finally looks away from me and he stares into her eyes. He looks pissed, and him looking at her like that makes me wanna shove my foot up his ass. Who the fuck does he think he is giving her that look? “Please, just go get my jacket and we’ll go.” What the fuck is she talking about?


We’re fuckin dead quiet while he walks over to the back door. He tries for a few seconds but he can’t get it open. I told you a normal person wouldn’t be able to open that door. I resist the urge to call him a pussy when he finally gives up and starts walking towards the front of the building. I guess he’s going to try to get back in through the front. Good luck with that, jackass, there’s probably a line halfway around the block waiting to be let in and on one’s gonna believe the line ‘my girlfriend forgot her jacket inside’. If they do I’m gonna start using it to get in for free.


“Faith, what is wrong with you?” she asks and a couple more tears trail down her face. Instantly I get some completely contradicting emotions. I wanna laugh at her for crying like a pussy, and I wanna take her in my arms and kiss the tears away. I wanna call her a whore for what I caught her doing, and I wanna tell her to forget about it and tomorrow everything will be cool between us. But most of all, I wanna run away, find a small dark hole to hide in, and cry my fuckin eyes out.


“What’s wrong with me? Look at you. You jump into bed with some dick wad you’ve known for a month and now you’re out here on your knees for the whole fuckin world to see.” That’s not exactly true. They were trying to hide. Maybe next time she does something like this she’ll just go to his car. “You don’t act like this, B. You normally have more class.” As soon as that last sentence, hell the whole thing, I know it was a big mistake. Her tears are flowing harder now but she looks pissed off too.


“Oh what, so I normally have more class than you, is that what you’re saying?” she says with so much anger I literally take a step back. She wipes the tears off her face and the expression she has on it now reminds of that last battle in Sunnyhell when she pulled herself up off the ground and basically told The First to go fuck itself. “I haven’t done anything wrong, Faith. Marcus is a good guy, maybe even a great guy, and he treats me like I deserve to be treated.” Oh yeah? ‘Cause the way he was just treating her seriously makes me doubt that.


“I am getting sick and tired of you moping around the house and treating me like a whore,” she says and her voice cracks a little and more tears build up in her eyes. I can’t fuckin talk. I’m trying to make words come out of my mouth and put them into sentences but I’m so fuckin floored by what she’s saying that all I can do is stand here and look like a jackass. “You’re supposed to be my friend, Faith, you’re supposed to be happy for me when good things come into my life. Instead all you can do is be bitter because I’m not afraid of to make a commitment like you are.” She still thinks I’m jealous of her relationship? That’s priceless.


“I’m not jealous of you, Buffy,” I say but I don’t sound angry anymore. I honestly don’t know what I sound like, but whatever you’d call this sound makes her lose some of that anger that’s built up. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol, the shock of what just happened, or if I’m having some kind of mental breakdown but it’s like a cloud has just been lifted in my mind and suddenly I can see the truth and I wanna share it with her.


“Red was right, I’m jealous of him. I want you. I want you so bad it hurts. I want you so bad it’s making me fuckin crazy,” my voice is shaking like hell, and I can’t take in a real breath and I feel like at any second I’m going to throw up and pass out. I don’t know if it’s the combination of the hard alcohol and the beer I’ve had tonight or if it’s because I just bared my soul, or maybe it’s both. The look on her face is pure shock and I don’t blame her. That did come out of fuckin nowhere, and I’m not done yet. I just needed to try and catch my breath.


“I didn’t mean to treat you like a whore and I’m sorry you felt like I was. I never meant for any of this shit.” I can’t help the little chuckle that escapes the back of my throat. The look of shock on her face is starting to wear off but fuck if I’m going to point that out to her. I’m surprised she hasn’t hauled off and decked me. I get the fact that she’s supportive and all that shit, but I don’t think she’s going to be cool with another woman wanting her. She gets creeped out when unattractive guys check her out.


“Faith,” she says and stops. It’s almost like she forgot she was going to say something. I’m back to the point where I can’t do anything. I can’t talk, I can’t move, and my whole body feels like it’s gone numb. I look into her pretty baby doll eyes and I silently pray to whatever god or goddess is listening. Please let B still be ok with me. Please don’t let her think I’m a psycho-freak for acting like this. Please let her want to still be my friend. I don’t think I’d survive losing her friendship now that I know what’s it really like to call her that. “I don’t know what to say.”


“It’s ok. You don’t have to say anything,” I tell her and run a hand through my hair. My body isn’t numb anymore and it’s finally moving. Well, it’s shaking all over, but that counts right? She takes a step towards me and I take three steps back. I can’t be around her right now. I just let down all my fuckin walls and let her see inside my soul. I feel way too fuckin vulnerable and if she says or does the wrong thing I might fuckin lose it. “I’m gonna head on home. Just tell Red her girl’s shitty drink fucked me up.”


I hold her eye contact for one more second and there’s a moment of silence. I don’t let her break it though. I’m too afraid of what she’s going to say. I turn and run down the alley. The sound of my boots clinking on the asphalt echoes off the walls and I would think it sounded cool, like something right out of a movie, if I wasn’t too busy freaking the fuck out. I just metaphorically turned my whole world upside down, and I have no idea what’s going to be left in the morning. I’ll ask it one more time: how the fuck do I get myself into these fucked up situations?