Magical Upchuck

Summary: Xander is temporally turned into a girl by Willow. Before he turns back into himself he meets Chris Halliwell. The Chris from the future and Xander have sex. Now an very male Xander is pregnant with a child from a man that’s not even born yet. This idea is from a challenge I read but couldn’t find again. Don’t remember who gave the challenge but I thought it was a great idea.
Archive: Slash. Male on Male. Maybe some het too! Mpreg!
Rating: PG-13 . . . NC17 Just to give myself room from much later chapters.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the craziness that spews out of my head. All characters belong to their respective owners. That means I own nothing and have zero money. . .
Author notes & Warnings: M/M fanfic. No Beta. Be afraid. My mood affects my writing.

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Carnival parking lot
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“Hey! Come back! I have to talk to you!”

Ignoring the purple haired girl Xander rushed to her car, she . . . HE wasn’t going to stand around and listen to the crazy sparkle, sparkle, pop, ‘Here I am!’ girl. Nope not her! HIM! Xander let a disgusted look wash over his/her face, frustration and confusion warring for attention in Xander head. ‘I might as well think of myself as a girl! I have the boobs, the hair, the UTERUS, might as well embrace my girly-ness fully. I even lost my virginity to a real hottie and this time around I didn’t get strangled! Bonus there at least. I should go with the flow, even if it will damage my male psyche later . . . I don’t want to go back to that confusing emotional time before my p-period when I thought of myself as an it. Buff did say that time of the month can be very emotional.’ Xander mentally grimaced as she remembered how angry, embarrassing, and teary her first period was! Mother nature didn’t even give Xander time to mentally prepare for his/her first monthly, three days after he was made a she IT happened. Xander still had nightmares about the girls telling her how to put in a tampon! A slight smile blossomed on Xander’s face, she could still remember quite clearly how Giles had raced out of the Magic Box like a bat out of hell when the girly cleaning products were spilled onto the table. Giles could face any demon with a spine made of steel and a stiff upper lip but a girly talk about menstrual cycles had him running like a spooked cat. Xander had envied Giles’ quick escape that day.

Her life was just one shock after another! Meeting Buff and finding out about the night life was cool, scary, and shocky, and the years that followed was just one surprising battle after the next. Becoming a girl was a heart stopping fright for a guy, it was like Xander’s own mini apocalypse. So was learning how to wear girls cloths that very first day. . . Learning the ways of the evil bra from Buffy, Tara, Willow, and Dawn was very unsettling too. It was very annoying to find out she was just too big to barrow anything from the girls. Never in his life did Xander ever think Dawnie and Buffy would ever take him/her to a bra shop to try on different bands so Xander could find a comfortable one(If there even is such a thing as a comfortable one). That day spent with Dawn and Buffy shopping for dress’, shoes, under things, and hair products still left Xander shaky from just thinking about it!

One can not forget the horrible blow of being fired on the day of her period! With those first misadventures happening on her first few days as a girl it was reasonable that Xander would forget to call work for leave. The ‘Harris, I’m sorry son but we’re going to have to let you go please stop by for your last check.’ speech made Xander both furious and sad. That day Xander bawled like it was the end of the world! No amount of Willow cookies, hugs from the girls, pats on the shoulder from G-man, or promises to research till they found a cure would make Xander feel better.


Then day four came along, it was no better then the others. Anya leaving. Anya’s last words as she left were still burned into Xander’s brain! ‘I’m sorry Xander, but we’re different people now and it just won’t work anymore. We had great sex together and I’ll always remember you but I have to go! I’ve been sharing e-mails with a very rich lawyer and I’m going to meet with him today. I need to catch a flight in L.A. Call me when you’re a guy again and maybe we can have sex. Bye.’ Then she kissed a shocked Xander on the cheek and left. That was a bad day, have you’re girlfriend leave and find out she was only with you for the penis!

And then there was the magic. Shocks just piling on top of shocks! On Xander’s fifth day of girl-dom Xander did something innocent, she rhymed. She/he was just kinda mad at Willow, but didn’t want to cuss her out or anything. ‘I wish slimy frogs would rain down on your crown, so many that you almost drown!’ And they did! A green cloud appeared above Wills head and rained down many species of frog. The entire room rained frogs and without realizing it Xander started batting at them out of her path without even touching them! Maybe that wasn’t such a bad day . . . That day Xander was 100% positive that this new power was temporary. Just a little positive thing in this spell-shit-hit-the-fan-flop. It had to be the female empowerment spell, when the change happened the magic would be gone. Xander was both comforted by that fact and a tiny bit disappointed by it. Now just as life was going a bit more smoothly someone throws a grenade into Xander’s life and BOOM she's a freak. Xander a natural born witch? What a joke! As if! Not a chance in hell! He's the Mr. Normal action figure of the Scoobies magic not included.

“Can’t you just slow down! I need to talk to you!” Yelled Mari as she ran after Xander, cursing her shorter legs and Xander’s long ones.

“Sorry, can’t, have thing to do, places to be. Crazy people not to listen too!” Xander got in her car and slammed the door before Mari could stop her. Turning on the car Xander peeled away and left Mari in her dust trail.

“I’m telling the truth!” Mari yelled to the car as it speeded away. “You are a true blue natural born witch . . .”She mumbled then huffed with annoyance. “They said you would be difficult but really!!” Mari grumbled as she marched into an outhouse then orbed away.

***
Victor’s mansion
***

Piper kicked out at the little gray demon minion of Victor’s as it jumped out at her, letting all her anger power the hit. She smirked at the satisfying sound it made as it hit the wall. Blasting another into oblivion she rushed toward the alter room where they were all sure Victor was with Phoebe. “No one sacrifices MY sister to evil!”

Chris and Paige followed behind Piper at a safe distance. “You know this might be good for Piper. Get rid of some of that aggression she has built up over Leo, and dating again, and raising Wyatt alone.” Paige whispered to Chris who nodded.


“She’s not alone she has you and Phoebe! And I thought the whole emotionless thing and memory loss helped? Why is she so mad at me? What I do?” Chris asked as he kicked out at a minion that escaped Piper.

“Fireball!” Yelled Paige as she used her magic to toss the fireball back at the little demon. “It was your idea for Leo to do the whole Elder thing! And you’re a whitelighter Piper has a new dislike-hate-thing going for them. I’m lucky I’m part witch and her sister. You should really tell her about ‘you know what’, it would really help with the you now getting made. Piper did forgive you about the whole Mr. Right and binding Wyatt’s powers thing but she never forgot ya know! Just give her a little time.”

Chris glared at Paige. “Can we talk about this another time? I’m meant to be born or I wouldn’t BE here now, right? And I didn’t think the Mr. Right spell would go so wrong! I was just trying to help.”

“Well, you live you learn.” Paige shrugged then orbed across the room to tackle a demon sneaking up on Piper. Piper kicked open the doors to the next room in the house only to find a whole new group of demons ready to fight. Blowing up four of the demons that rushed her Piper growled when more spilled out of the hallways and windows. “Where do these guy’s all come from? Do they have an online demon job site or something? Horde wanted?”

“How do we kill these things? They just keep coming! And putting themselves back together.” Mushy grey flesh lobbed together and slowly reformed the fallen demon, Paige glared as she orbed an end-table at the snarling grey demons. “Mass dead demons would be nice, right now!”

“Salt water! These demons are Gnomharks, they are allergic to salt.” Said Chris as he punched out at a demon trying to gnaw on his arm. “I’ll gets some you two just keep um busy. They’re like rats.”

Chris orbed away.

“Sure we’ll do that.” Said Piper sarcastically as she blow more up.

“Wonder how long he’ll be?” Asked Paige as she orbed a demon corpse at another demon trying to hold them back. Chris appeared above their heads a giant sphere of water around him, as he appeared completely him and the water fell.

*SPLASH!*

The water flooded the room and melted the demons like it was battery acid. Piper coughed and wiped water off her face. “Where did you get the water Chris? The ocean?”

Chris nodded. “Yeah, I orbed into the bay.”

“Oh.” Piper patted Chris on the shoulder as she passed him. “Good job.”

“”Someone help me! Piper! Paige! Leo! Chris? . . . Someone?” Phoebe’s muffled voice echoed through the hall.

“Phoebe!” Piper yelled as she ran down the long hallway. “Why do bad guy’s have such big houses? Oh I need to go to the gym!” Pushing at the door Piper growled when magic bounced her off. She blasted at the door but nothing happened.

“Maybe I could orb in?”Paige said as she tried just that only to pop back where she was a moment later. “Whoa! Head rush!”

“Piper!” Yelled Phoebe from the other side of the door. “Help!”

“Phoebe!” Piper growled and started blasting at the door again and again. Each blast started warping the door causing the magic around the door to spark and flash.

“Good Piper keep going! Almost got it!” Paige said as she started orbing furniture at the door. “Big stone table!”

“I’m going to try to get in now that the barrier is weak.” Chris said as he orbed away.

As his orbing light faded Chris raised a brow at the site of the room. “Phoebe? What are you wearing?”

Phoebe glared and waved a shackled hand at Chris. “Not a word mister! And get me out before Victor comes back! I will NOT let him drain the POWER OF THREE or be his demon consort. That is just gross. And look at these clothes!”

“I’m looking and I think I need to erase my brain. You’re like gothic Princess Leia on crack!” Said Chris as he blasted the chains from the wall then used his telekinetic power to move a blanket from the shelf to go around Phoebe.

“Thanks it was getting a little chilly.” She said with a slight smile.

“Yeah, welcome. Is any of your costume made out of cloth or is it all metal?”

Phoebe grimaced. “All metal even the tiny scaled skirt and undies.”

“Ouch! So where is Victor?”

Phoebe was about to answer when Piper and Paige spilled into the room. “Phoebe! Phoebe?” Paige tipped her head to the side as she looked her sisters outfit over. “Auditioning for the next Star Wars movie?”


“Oh, shut up! I didn’t get a choice about what outfit I die in! Now lets get us a warlock!” Said Phoebe as she pulled off some of the jewelry in her hair.

“Is that real silver?” Asked Paige. “The whole suit? What are the black gems made out of?” Paige asked as she followed behind Phoebe and tried to pick at one of the gems.

“Ow! Paige! Stop picking at my suit! It’s pinchy enough!”

***
Xander’s motel
***
Xander took a deep breath and gently banned her head against the steering wheel. That crazy girl followed Xander to the mall and to the store, Xander didn’t really want to enter the motel and find Mari sitting on her bed. “Why is the world trying to drive me insane?” Pulling out a cheap little cell phone Xander pressed speed dial and waited for someone at the Magic Box to answer.

“Hello? This is the Magic Box how can I help you?” Tara said softly.

Xander smiled. “Tara! Hi, it’s Xander.”

“Xander! Oh, thank the goddess you’re ok! Y-you're o-ok, right? Willow has been going crazy with worry. D-do you know how many times Mister Giles and I had to stop her from doing a finding spell on you! Y-you haven’t been answering the phone. You know you n-need to be back here in a week and six days r-right?”

Xander sighed. “I know. Listen is Giles there?”

“Um no. H-he’s on a date.” Tara said with a happy note to her voice.

“A date? Wow and damn at the same time! I really need his book help.”

“M-maybe I can help?” Tara said hopefully.

Xander bit at her full lip. “Ok. What do you know about whitelighters?”

Tara gasped. “A lot.”


Xander entered her moldy motel room and let out a little sigh when she didn’t see Mari waiting in the room for her/him like some sort of angel stalker. ‘Maybe the crazy girl gave up?’ Xander thought hopefully as she tossed her small bag of take-out on the twin bed. Xander was still unsure about Mari the whitelighter, but trusted Tara’s knowledge and word. If Tara said whitelighters were good guys then they were! Taking a deep cleansing breath Xander tried to unwind and forget about everything magical, she would be heading home soon and be back to his normal self. ‘Hopeful I won’t have another personality to contend with! Possession sucks.’ Xander could finally feel her/his major headache start to fade away, only to start pounding again when blue orbs appeared in the center of the small room. Stalker Mari in all her cheery colorful stalker glory!

“You can’t avoid me forever ya know. We have stuff ta do. You have a destiny now, a big shiny destiny! A powerful witch like you needs to train your powers for the good of magical kind!”

Xander groaned. “I’m not a real witch, hell I'm not even a real girl! I’m like this because of a wonky spell.” Xander whined at the end of that sentence.

“Yes, you are a witch! You’re a witch!” Mari said as she gave a stubborn tilt to her chin and pointed a finger at Xander, her eyes narrowed and determined.

“Not for long. In less then two weeks I’m going to become male again. I’m just Xander, normal non-magical Xander! I’m just a guy that got turned into a girl by his bestest best friend. I’m just a guy!” Xander said as she put her manicured hands on her curvy hips. The cheep little vase on the table and the pictures on the wall started to shake the angrier Xander got.

The whitelighter raised a brow as she watched the vase jiggle onto the floor and break in two. “They said you were gonna be difficult. You’ve always been a witch, it’s in your blood. Your blood was just cursed, is all!”

Xander started laughing. “The Harris’? Witches? You’re funny Mari! NOT . . . A . . .WITCH . . .THIS . . .IS . . . JUST . . .A . . . SPELL!”

Mari huffed. “The line was broken till you came along . . . and it’s not your dad that carries the blood line it’s your mom! Your mother’s side of the family are from a powerful old witch line, a line that nearly died out because of a demon curse! A curse that bound the children of the line and made the active witches weak. Every member of your family before you is still cursed but the children after you will be born witches with power just like you. A member of your family is destined to kill this demon, that is why it cursed your family. You’re that member! Now that you’re here and so strong the demon will come. To re-curse or kill you! You need my help!”

Xander sighed. “Well, shit.”

Mari clapped her hands. “Well you’re my first charge I’m not going to let anything happen to you! Let’s get your training underway.”

“Oh, boy. Can’t wait.” Xander said dully. “What is this super strong family killing demons name?”

Mari blinked. “Don’t know! Didn’t asked before I left to find you! I just finished my whitelighter training and I was so excited to meet you. Lets call him Bob for now, k?”

Xander snorted. “Great, I’m being hunted by a demon dubbed Bob.” Xander pulled a hand through her long hair and adjusted the small black leather purse on her shoulder. She looked Mari straight in the eye. “This is really sucky you know?”

Mari grinned and shrugged her slight shoulders. “I said the same thing when I became a whitelighter! Those are the breaks for us of the magical world. Now if you’re done with your denial thing it’s dark out and there is a big alley behind this motel, we can train there!”

**
Victor’s mansion
**

Phoebe dodged a fireball and ducked behind a statue. “What Victor? Am I not going to be your demon queen anymore?”

“Insolent witch! How dare you! I will kill you all!” Victor snarled, his face no longer smooth and handsome but scaled and grey like his minions. Using her ability to hover Phoebe dodged a thrown blade then kicked out at Victor kicking him hard in the face. Victor staggered a couple of steps then flashed long white fangs as he threw another fireball only to have it freeze before it could reach Phoebe thanks to Piper’s quick time freezing hands.

“Fireball!” Paige yelled as she threw the frozen fireball back at the demon. The fireball hit the demon in the center of the chest and he dissolved into a cloud of dust. “That was anti-climactic.”

“I’m not going to complain.” Piper said. “Let’s go home before more demons pop up.”

Chris orbed in front of them. “I got rid of what was left of the minions. Are we done here?”

Piper nodded. “Yes! Now home we go! Darryl shouldn’t have to babysit Wyatt all night. Orb me home.” Piper grabbed Chris by the arm. “Come on! Chop! Chop! If we hurry I can make a decent dinner for everyone. I’m not going to order pizza twice in one week.”

Chris shrugged and orbed.

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