Kindness, Love, and Acceptance

Part 4

Connor ran. After jumping from the hotel window, he hit the street and ran as fast as he could. He didn't understand what had happened last night, why he had let that man - Xander - do those things to him. He was angry with his father, confused about everything that had happened in his life. He didn't know how to deal with this.

His life before, in Quortoth, was simpler in many ways. He fought, he hunted and he trained for the day he would come back and avenge his father - Holtz. It was all he knew. There was no question of where his loyalty lay, of where he belonged. Now, everything was different.

He had fallen in love with Cordelia and had been given everything he ever wanted only to have it snatched away. And then to be told it was all a lie to begin with. That the woman he loved was in love with his father. She had chosen hell spawn over him. He hated Angel with a passion he never knew; not even the brutal murder of his stepfather’s family had incurred such wrath in him. And he was raised to hate him for that very reason.

So now here he was, mad as hell, and running away from a perfect opportunity to make his father suffer. Why? Because he panicked about waking up next to a man. He knew it was acceptable to be with a member of the same sex in this day and age. He had seen same-sex couples out together in public. Cordelia told him she had a friend who was... gay? Yes that was the term she had used, gay.

The man, Xander, had told him that Angel would be furious if he were to find out they had slept together. So why was he running all over L.A. and not going to tell his father who he had spent the night with? Simple really. He liked the man; they had a lot in common and if his father found out about them, he would surely kill him. Connor didn't want to see that happen. He wished he hadn't have panicked that morning and took off. He had enjoyed himself with Xander and wouldn't have minded seeing him again.

Something occurred to him just then; Xander had mentioned that he knew Cordelia, that they had dated when they were younger. He tried to remember the name of the town she was from. Sunnyhell? No that was just a nickname. Connor sat on the edge of the curb next to the street. He closed his eyes and thought back to the conversation the night before *What is it with him and Sunnydale chicks?*

"Sunnydale! Yes!" Connor walked to the nearest phone booth and dialled information. "Yes, the number for a Xander Harris in Sunnydale please."

He was told there was no one listed under that name but they did have an Alexander Harris and gave him the number and address. Connor hung up the phone and went back to the museum where he was staying in one of the abandoned upper rooms to pack his things. He would go to Sunnydale and find Xander. Then he would apologise for running out on him this morning.

~!~

Connor looked around the street he was standing on. This was certainly different from L.A. The truck driver he had hitched a ride with had been worried about leaving him here; he said that strange things seemed to happen in this town and for him to be careful. He thanked the man for his concern. With a nickname like Sunnyhell, he wasn't letting his guard down for a moment.

It was late in the afternoon and he wasn't sure he wanted to be on the streets after dark so he ducknto nto a service station and purchased a map of the town. He located the street Xander lived on and started to make his way there on foot. He was still several blocks away from his target when the sun sank below the horizon.

The vampire came out of nowhere. It was fast, but it was obviously young. Connor dispatched it easily. He hadn't expected to be jumped by a demon out in the open like this.

Just what kind of place was this Sunnydale? When he'd listened to Cordelia speak of growing up here, he had assumed she was just putting a spin on things, embellishing like she usually did. But by the time he had dusted three vampires, he had to admit that perhaps she was being truthful, maybe even downplaying it somewhat.

~!~

Connor stood outside the building that Xander lived in. Now that he was here, he was unsure of what the next step should be. He wanted to see him, but he feared being rejected again. After Cordelia, he wasn't sure if he could take it. He had so little experience with people, with love, with anything other than fighting. For survival, for enjoyment, for food. It was all he knew for so many years. He sometimes wished he were still there. He felt so alien and out of place here.

In this place, there was kindness, love, acceptance, but not for him. He saw lovers holding hands as they walked in the park, saw other boys his age in groups laughing, playing, having fun. He saw the way fathers and sons acted toward one another, how they loved and accepted each other. He didn't have that - never had. Holtz had raised him to be hard, emotionless, a weapon of vengeance. But he had loved him anyway. He was the only father he knew.

The others, Cordelia, Fred, Gunn, Lorne - they had told him how much Angel had loved him, how happy he had been when he became a father. How devastated he had been when Holtz had taken him. He had seen the photographs of himself as an infant, Cordelia holding him in her arms like a mother. He knew, deep down that she would always see herself that way, that she had loved him as her own when he was a baby. He even sort of understood how she must feel now, knowing what had happened between them. But it didn't make the hurt any less. It didn't make the pain go away.

He was alone. He had no friends, no lovers, no family. Angel's blood might run through his veins but that didn't make them family. Family was people who loved you, people who would stand by you and not let you down. Angel had let him down time and again.

Okay, so he had dumped him in the ocean and left him to rot. He was confused, had been made to believe that the vampire had killed the man he thought of as a father. It was Justine's idea, after all; he was just the muscle. Always had been. He did what he was told, never questioned why. Holtz had instilled fear of disobedience into him at a very early age. He had learned quickly that pain was a strong motivator.

Connor looked up as the lights came on in one of the upper apartments. He wondered if it was Xander's place, if he were alone. He remembered Xander talking about another man - William; had they gotten back together? Or was Xander up there all by himself, as alone and miserable as he was? There was only one way to find out.

~!~