Mangled Spells and Manly Bits

Spike and the real estate agent traded several words, none of which made any sense to Xander, and then Xander found herself escorted back to the lobby and out to the car.

“So, are we going to see the other place?” Xander asked for lack of anything better to say.

“Yeah,” Spike answered, and Xander wondered if the vampire was thinking about what she had said about something hell mouthy affecting them. It would certainly explain the lack of blood and death in her current relationship with Spike, and oh god, she had not just put the words relationship and Spike in the same sentence. Suddenly Spike looked over at her sharply, and Xander nearly passed out at the thought she’d said that out loud. However, Spike quickly returned his attention to the road, which was good considering the speed they were going.

Xander spent the rest of the trip staring at the countryside with the increasingly infrequent farmhouses. They must have driven a good three hours at clearly illegal speeds before pulling through a heavy iron gate that looked like it was rusted permanently open and which was set in the middle of a heavy stone wall. Suddenly outdoor lights came on, and Xander found herself throwing up an arm to keep from being blinded.

“You came, I was so worried you would not be able to make it tonight!” sang a voice that sounded like a replica of the agent they’d left in the city. Xander squinted in the heavy outdoor lighting and realized that the woman was nearly a clone with the same tailored suit and heels. “The place, it is a real bargain. The chateau has been remodeled with a new kitchen,” she explained in that Pepe voice as she ushered them into the house. This tour took longer with the woman pointing out the authentic wood carvings and historical pillars which Xander couldn’t resist running her hand over, feeling the warm wood beneath her fingers. The upstairs bedrooms had ceilings that tilted at odd angles, and almost every room had a fireplace.

“I know several of the windows need fixing, and we have a handyman who can do that, this quick,” the saleslady snapped her fingers at how fast the boarded up windows could be replaced.

“Don’t bother, mate. Like the dark,” Spike said casually as he stuck his head in another closet.

“Oh, but I’d love to see all those windows replaced, and this place streaming with sunlight,” Xander said, and Spike’s head reappeared from out of the closet, a pinched expression on his face until he saw Xander’s own small smile.

“Yeah, well windows lead ta dust, and you aren’t the best at keepin’ a place clean. Wouldn’t want ya ta have more dust ta clean up.”

“Oh, I don’t mind a bit of dusting,” Xander continued, enjoying the agent’s confused expression.

“Ya never had the knack for it Buffy did,” Spike retorted.

“True, she loves dusting. If she ever visits, I can see her dusting here,” Xander said, and this time she couldn’t even identify the feeling she felt creeping through her soul.

“Yeah, well, don’t want the bint dustin’ around here, so I think I’ll leave her off the invite list.”

“You know Buffy though, she tends to show up and do dusting even when she’s not invited.”

“Are ya sayin’ that ya don’t want her invited, pet?” Now Spike had left the closet all together and Xander saw the almost hopeful expression on his face.

“Okay, I would invite her given a chance, but I don’t think I want her dusting in my house,” Xander admitted, and cringed when she realized that she had claimed possession of the chateau. Spike’s smirk made it clear he hadn’t missed the slip. “If I ever get a house. I’m not saying that this is a house I want or that I’m ready to set up house, and can we just go back to talking about dusting now, please.” Xander realized that she had just lost that round badly, but at least she wasn’t as confused as the agent who continued to stare with an expression that rivaled Giles’ when Buffy and Willow started talking boys.

“So, is that a yes or a no to the windows?” the agent finally asked once she realized that her two strange clients had finished their argument over American houseguests with dusting fetishes.

“No.” Spike said definitively and then the tour continued.

Before long, Xander found herself outside leaning on a low wall and waiting as Spike and the woman talked business.

“Votre belle femme, she likes the place?” Xander heard the real estate agent ask Spike even as she leaned against the wall and looked at the perfectly straight lines of trees. She really wished she had actually paid attention in French class, but then she’d never thought she’d end up in France. School. Would she ever go to school again or would this be her life, isolated in some beautiful French home, and why wasn’t that sounding especially bad?

“Yeah, appears she does,” Spike agreed.

“So, shall it be the chateau or the apartment?”

“Laissez ma femme choisir,” Spike said in a perfect imitation of the woman’s accent. Xander looked over for some sign of Spike’s decision, but his expression remained neutral, a cigarette hanging from one hand as he watched the road as if expecting someone.

“So, which do you like, Madam?” the woman turned her attention to Xander who found that she had to really think about that one. She couldn’t restrain a bit of a giggle when she thought of how her real estate agent would react to her criteria. While other buyers might look at the bathrooms or the foundations, Xander was considering escape possibilities and long-term captivity. Okay, the apartment had greater opportunities for escape: toss a note off the balcony, talk to a neighbor through the door, set a fire and wait for the firemen to come. Okay, that last one might be a little dumb since she really didn’t want to burn to death, but still, possible escape lay right at her fingertips. However, the very chance to escape would make Spike more vigilant. When he left the apartment, he’d probably chain her up; she never get to see outside except through a window.

The chateau was isolated, far from any help, but that would probably mean her daily life would be freer. She could walk outside under the trees. She could explore and maybe build something or plant something or just do something although she did laugh at the thought of using a table saw in one of the full-length skirts Spike preferred her to wear.

“I like the chateau,” she announced, and Spike simply nodded.

“Your husband, he does like to spoil you, yes?” The woman gave her a little wink, and Xander’s brain stopped functioning at the word husband. No, no, no, no, no she silently chanted. She was supposed to grow up and be the husband who worked all day and came home to a house that was getting old and had breaking plumbing to a wife that resented that he didn’t make more money. That was the fate life set out for him when it made him a perfectly average, normal human boy. He wasn’t supposed to be the one to grow up and find a husband with enough money to buy a chateau. Oh god, he was living Cordelia’s fantasy, well except for the demon significant other, that was pure Xander, not that Spike was a significant other and god she was just going to stop thinking. Everything was just Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Spike must have noticed the change, because he dropped his cigarette and quickly pulled Xander into an embrace.

“Pet, ya all right?”

“Fine.” Xander replied after she’d caught her breath and dealt with the incipient panic.

“Is she ill?” the woman asked with concern.

“Mêle-toi de tes affaires,” Spike replied quickly but without his usual snarl. The woman huffed her annoyance and walked away.

“Pet, let’s get you set down in the front room, then I’ll take care of the soddin’ paperwork. Let’s hope I can do this without breakin’ the bint’s neck.” Xander couldn’t help but be comforted by the return of her normal Spike, and wow, when threats of neck-breakage were comforting, she really needed to rethink her values.

Xander continued to question her values over the next three days in the hotel that had taken another two hours to reach. She wasn’t sure, but she suspected that Spike had picked a hotel on the far side of Paris just so that she would see that the chateau had no neighbors within walking distance in either direction. The hotel, on the other hand, bustled with life—tourists and college students and happy families gathering around the pool. Xander saw this while being held firmly at Spike’s side. The rest of the time she was chained in a large room with enough slack to easily get to the bathroom, television and bed.

Xander spent most of her days not noticing the funny way Spike sang with his music when he woke up in the evening, doing head-banging moves as he walked from the couch to the bathroom. And not enjoying the way he talked to himself when he was stuck on hold on the telephone, making up imaginary family trees for people who made him wait. When she got to look at Giles’ book again, she resolved to look up what it meant to be the unclean offspring of an Ano-movic and a Senih'D. And she certainly didn’t notice the way his jeans hung low on his hips when he got out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a rough rub of a towel. And when she was alone, she tried hard not to think about how upset Giles would be if he could see her now.

After three days, Spike simply woke, packed the bags and hustled her into the car for a two hour trip back to the chateau. A chateau that Spike had found some way to get cleaned, landscaped, furnished, and stocked. When he parked the car, he tossed her a bracelet with a red bauble handing from the center.

“Wow, that’s a romantic presentation. With Cordie I at least dressed up and managed to give her the necklace without throwing it at her,” Xander complained as she caught the gold and red bauble.

“Not a present,” Spike said in a strangely distant voice. “Put it on.”

“Okay,” Xander answered with her best ‘cater to the crazy vampire’ voice. She latched the clasp closed and then let the red teardrop stone dangle so that the porch lights coming in through the car window reflected into bloody-stained rainbows. She smiled. “Nicer than the heart I gave Cordie,” she admitted as she watched the red lights flicker on the dash. “Wait, why isn’t it a present?”

“Keeps track of where ya are. Keep it on and ya can leave the house. Ever catch ya takin’ it off and I’ll chain ya up.” Spike’s voice had a strange emotionless quality that made Xander’s arm hairs stand up.

“Right, leash the human pet, huh?” she asked, and suddenly the dangling stone didn’t seem quite so pretty. “Surprised you didn’t just give it to me as some sort of present, make up some story about local ghosts and call it a protection charm,” Xander realized that she actually would have preferred the lie because now every time she looked at it, the stone would remind her of her place in Spike’s life: hostage, leashed pet, lower life form.

“Didn’t want ta lie to ya, so I told the truth,” Spike opened his door and disappeared into the house before Xander could even process that statement. She experienced something that almost felt like pride that Spike refused to lie to her, as if he liked her enough to not lie. Of course, the bracelet was still a leash, but it annoyed Xander a whole lot less as she got out of the car and walked up the walk to her chateau.