Days Like These Keep Me Warm

Chapter Four: These Are My Reasons The Truth Is Never Filled

Buffy gazed up at the ceiling as she lay awake on the bed under the warm duvet and the blue crisp cotton sheets, she was savouring the moment, the sensation of being comfortable of being hot instead of freezing, and of not having hunger pains. Buffy was smiling to herself, she was content for once, maybe only for this one night but she didn't have to worry about being moved on by the police, or of being attacked by a stranger, she was safe in his flat, she was happy because of his request for her to stay, she couldn't imagine a moment that could ever match this.

He had gone to bed but told her she could have something to eat, told her where to find spare blankets and sheets and said she should treat this place like this was her home //my home, I wish, why did he want me to stay, it has to be more than worrying about me walking home by myself, because surely he could've just phoned for a taxi?// She truly didn't know why he had almost begged her to take his offer, she reasoned it down to maybe a form of concussion from well he fell or //because his so lonely and his hurting but he doesn't want his true friends to know//

Her mood began to gradually darken, she was getting the impression that William only talked to her, told her he felt bullshit happened to him and that he was depressed, he only opened up to her because he wouldn't have to met her again, he wouldn't have to face up to their consequences of being truthful to someone. //Fuck he won't want me here when he wakes, he will feel all embarrassed and shameful for getting himself upset and I will be a reminder of that, of his crappy night// she cursed to herself and rolled over on her side, staring at the digital clock that blinked back at her, it was 8am she could get up now before he stirred and leave. Buffy felt like it was the morning after the night before, that she had slept with him and now he would want her to go, she knew that she had no evidence that he wouldn't want to see her again but she didn't want to take the risk of getting into an argument, that would ruined the perfection of last night when she had taken his hands in hers and //he entwined our fingers// she could feel herself getting flustered at just the memory.

"William" she spoke softly "I wish we could be friends". Buffy took a deep breath and threw the covers back, thinking about a friendship or relationship that was never going to work wouldn't do her any good, she had also decided against going for the job //I can't force myself into William's life, it isn't fair on him and it will get me nowhere, Tim was right why try to better myself? // She heaved herself out of the bed, her bare feet touching the plush carpet, as she stared at the floor, and upwards to the full-length mirror that resided on the wardrobe door.

She saw her reflection staring back at her, like it taunting her, she was dressed in a old faded Buzzcocks t-shirt that William had said she could borrow, the lettering was peeling off but she could still read what it said 'Ever Fallen In Love With [Someone You Shouldn't Have]'

"How fucking appropriate" she hissed running her fingers through her tangled hair //first Angel now William, I shouldn't been allowed to fall in love, it will never work out//. She felt disgusted at herself for how she looked, how the last few years had aged her considerably, wrinkles she swore she was getting wrinkles at the tender age of 22 //next thing I turn grey//. She lifted the right sleeve of his t-shirt that she had worn in bed, that she had brought close to her face to smell, to try and catch a small sniff of his fragrance, of who he was, but she had failed because all it had smelt like was washing powder. Now she stared at her upper arms, where her minimal muscles resided and where she had scarred her skin, inked it with a word those years ago, when she had been 17, when she had been in love, in a clichéd Romeo and Juliet sort of way, with his name 'Angel', no fancy lettering, no tacky heart, just etched in simple black 'Angel'. She ran her finger across it and sighed, last night she had thought he had been watching over her, staying true to his name, but she brushed away that notion now, if he was looking after her from above he would've made her life easier, he would've let her have William, she knew it, he wouldn't have wanted her to let him forever linger in her heart, if she asked Angel, if she prayed for one wish it would be for William to kiss her, to touch her in a way she hadn’t felt for four years and she knew if Angel could he would grant it for her.

Angel that one word tattooed across her arm had been the attention of many questions from people over the years. Her mom had questioned, whilst shouting and looking at Buffy in her 'I love you but I'm so disappointed look', she had said 'Do you think Buffy that he will be there by your side forever, your just kids, it will end and all you will have is this ridiculous tattoo'. The man in question himself had ran his fingers across it and smiled 'Shall I get one too, Buffy Anne Summers?' had been his response to her decision to get it. Over the years in prison, cell-mates and other acquaintances had also asked her what it meant, it pained her too much then to tell them who he was and she said it was nothing, a stupid bet, a foolish idea. One woman, who had taken a dislike to Buffy had mocked her over it for months 'Do you think your such an innocent angel girl, your nothing like the rest of us, your not pure and perfect, your middle class family won't care about you, your tainted like we all are'

'I am nothing' had become Buffy's motto, she tried to hide away in prison, keep herself out of trouble, fade into the cold brickwork and for most of her time it had work and now, now in this small welsh seaside town she did the same, until, until she met him. If it wasn't for William she would've faded away, she would be part of the scenery, a nobody and maybe she still was but if she was nothing, if she was nobody she did have a purpose and that was him, that was seeing William, that was wanting to talk to him and up until this morning her reason for living was to find a way of being closer to the man. But her idea had disappeared, she still gazed into the mirror and stood up slowly "If he could see me would it make any difference?" She wondered as she walked across the room and found the towels she had taken from the wardrobes the night before, he had offered her a chance to have a shower and much like his offer of a place to stay and food to eat Buffy decided she would take last opportunity of cleansing away what she had become.

//If he knew what I looked like would he consider me beautiful, would that make up for what I am, what I've done in my past, what I have become, homeless, alone, empty// she picked the soft towels up and opened the door quietly, she didn't want to wake him or his dog and as she sauntered down across the living room into the bathroom she caught Strummer in her eyesight, greeting her briefly before she hid away from him in the bathroom, not because she was scared but she didn't want to grow some kind of attachment to the animal, it would only serve to make her soon to be distance from William harder. How she was going to stop herself from following him around like the hopeless loser she was she didn't know, it wasn't like she would be able to avoid him easily, in small towns you always bumped into people and even if he wouldn't be able to catch her in the corner of her eye, she would always been able to see him and she wouldn't be able to walk away easily, even if all they had was one night of supposed friendship.

She pulled his t-shirt over the top of her head and stepped into the shower, she didn't really pay much attention to the little things that had be altered in the room because of his disability, like those lights that turned on if you clapped, all she was focussed on was getting clean, off enjoying the hot warm lash across her body, she washed her hair with the shampoo she had found by the sink, she doused herself in his shower gel, she wanted to smell like he did, so she could forever relieve her interaction with him. it was more than loving him that pained Buffy it was the fact that when it came down to it, she couldn't even have a friendship, this was some fairytale in which the blind man befriends the fallen princess and they slowly fall in love, only for him to regain his sight at the end and they marry on the sandy beach, ending with a dance at the end in which she looks up to the sky and sees her guardian angel watching over

"That's all bullshit" Buffy spat resting her head on wet tiles, the watering cascading down her back, her weary back that never had a chance to rest on a mattress for months, until last night, until he said 'do you want to stay the night?'. //I've should've told him the truth when he asked if I had a life, friends, I was so close to saying no, my mother, my sister are ashamed of me, my boyfriend, the man I stole for, I stayed out all night for, his dead, I should've said to him I spent three years away in jail, I don’t attend university because I don’t have the brains, I blew my brain cells away with drink and pot and love, I did it all for love and I'm doing this now for love, I'm looking after you, I'm getting you to tell me how sad you are, I making you confess because I love you because it could just, might just, maybe bring you closer to me. Then when he had asked me to stay, then I would've known it was because he truly meant it, that he liked me, maybe even loved me, because he would've known everything about me, my sordid life, I am nothing and William should know that before he makes such kind offers of a place to stay, of food to eat, of clothes to wear, of a chance of friendship//

She abruptly turned the shower off and threw the glass door open in anger. This was it her violent, pissed off side that showed itself on regular occasions, she was feeling like this not because of William because no matter how much she was convinced he had used her as he therapist last night and wouldn't want her the next day, she still knew he was gentle and kind and that she could never hate him. No she grabbed the towels of the radiator, dried herself off quickly, slammed her palms on the mirror and stared at herself, gritting her teeth in such disdain because she couldn't help but blame herself for everything. Whatever she had mumbled to herself, to her made up Angel, she was to blame, she did deserves this.

//I begged him to take me out that night, he wanted to stay in, he wanted to have sex but I didn't want to, I wanted to steal a car, have a joke because I thought he had cheated on me, when he hadn't, I was trying to get my own back, on something he didn’t even do, it was my fault we broke into that shop, my fault the police came, everything was because of me, I killed him, I killed Angel and now what I expect someone to love me back, I expect someone as kind as wonderful as William to tell me I'm okay, I'm not a bad person, I'm fine, I'm normal, I deserve forgiveness, I don't, I deserve nothing, nothing, William deserves everything, Angel deserves life, my mother deserves a daughter who could make her proud and Dawnie, she deserves a older sister she can look up to instead of down at//


She glowered at herself before running a towel over her hair and then picking everything up, she forced herself to calm down //he can not wake up, he doesn't deserve to have me in his presence, he is too good for me, he is everything I should be, we're both sad clowns but he can get over that, he has friends, he has things to live for, his blind but he can see beauty, remember it, I can't, all I see when I think of beauty is him and I can never have him and I shouldn't even be allowed to think off him// she made it to the spare room and swiftly changed back into her old clothes, she wanted to breakdown and cry, she wanted to pick something up and throw it across the room, smash it into little pieces because she hated what she was, she despised her stupid, foolish dreamland self for overtaking her mind and actions so much, for making her think, actually believe she had a chance with him. She had to repress her desires, her dreams, she had to fade away once again and never let herself be in his company again. She pulled manically at the blue sheets.

“They stink of me, of my life” she grimaced as she gathered them up in a bundle along with his Buzzcocks t-shirt that taunted her 'Ever fallen in love [with someone you shouldn't], she placed her bag on her shoulders and went into the kitchen, she could do this quickly then run //I won't ever see him again//, she opened the washing machine up, stuffed the sheets, clothes and towels in and rummaged through nearby cupboards for washing powder. She found what she needed and switched everything on. The machine clicked into motion and began its loud spinning, she jumped to her feet, grabbed an apple she saw by the fridge and rushed out of the flat, slamming the door behind herself.

"Even if he wakes now, he will never catch me in time" she muttered bitterly and miserably //I really want him to run after me, beg for me to stay, ask me to let him caress my body with those pale fingers of his but// she also knew it wasn't fair on him, she was lying, he could only truly love her if he knew the truth, he if could accept her for what she was then she would be able to face him again but as she was never going to tell him the truth, her reasoning would never come truee que quickened her pace down the stairs, eating the apple she had stolen, she did feel guilty at exploiting his hospitality but then again she had lied to him, one stolen piece of fruit would hardly make what she was even worse. Buffy was planning on hiding away forever, she would do everything cou could to make sure she never intervened with his existence again.

TBC>>>