Wild Days

Dawn:

Do you know the feeling when you are certain you're walking in a dream, or rather a nightmare, and you'll wake up any time, only when you pinch yourself you realise you are awake already, and the dream isn't a nightmare but your life and it sucks beyond belief? That's exactly what I felt when I found out that I never existed before some crazy monks decided to transfer a blob of green energy into a human shell, and made her the Slayer's sister. I've come to term with it by now, don't get me wrong. I mean, I do have all these memories, they're fake, but I still have them, I can even feel them, and that's what counts, right? But still, I have times when I question my existence, when all I want to do is crawl under the covers and hide.

But when I watch Connor now, talking to my sister, I wonder if I didn't get the better deal after all. Isn't it better to be a blob of energy than to be the offspring of two killers? Not that I really think Angel was a killer, I mean he was, but I actually liked him when he dated my sister - for a while at least, even though he made her cry and sad, and I hated him for that. I know I was too young then to understand that that's what love is all about. With Riley she never cried. And with Spike …

No, Angel was pretty nice, he told me neat stories, especially when he lived at the mansion. I can remember when we sat at the fire and he read from his books. I didn't understand the stuff half of the time, but it was still nice, because I never felt unwelcome, he always treated me like he truly cared for me, that he liked when I came around. And I was really angry with him when he broke up with my sister and I heard her cry night after night. I thought it was stupid, I mean they loved each other, didn't they, and was sex really that important? Only later I understood that there was a lot more than just sex involved. Although sex must have been a big part, the way Buffy and Riley were getting at it … and then Spike
…

No, let's not think about him. I cannot think about Spike, knowing he's only a few feet away. If I'm not careful I will take one of Angel's very tempting swords and just kill him. And then I'd feel bad because he has a soul now, and I refuse to feel bad because of Spike. Giles even tried to explain he was the same as Angel now, but I'm not buying it. How can they be the same? Sure, I once thought the chip and the soul were equal but I'm older now and wiser - even though no one wants to believe that - and I know it's not. I know Angel hurt my sister, but I also know now it wasn't really him, but even when he was Angelus, he never tried to … God, I can't even think the word. Plus, Angelus never pretended to be our friend, my friend, only to turn against us at the very first moment he could.

Giles explained to me that it was just part of his nature, that he was still an evil vampire then. But Buffy never told Giles what happened in the end. Besides, to say I'm irritated with Giles because he is so understanding, is putting it mildly. When Angel came back from Hell, he behaved as if Angelus had come back not Angel. True, Angel killed his girlfriend, but hey, wasn't that his demon, too?

"Yeah, good question," I hear Spike say at the same moment, and against my will I look at him. He's leaning against the counter, his arms crossed. "Seems the Poof doesn't have better friends than our little slay-gal here."

"You shut up," Buffy yells at him, but doesn't bother to turn her head. I wouldn't either if I was in her shoes. "So," she raises her brows, still waiting for an answer, "What have you got to say?"

Wesley's gone pale, and I see him swallow. I never knew him well, only met him two or three times while he was Buffy's watcher for a short while, but he seems even paler now than he did when he came to our house in the morning. "I … I …," he stammers, and swallows again.

"I didn't mean you," Buffy cuts him off. "I know you didn't even know he was gone. But you," she directs her gaze at Gunn, at Fred, and finally settles it on Connor again, "and you."

"He could have eloped with Cordelia," Connor replies defensively, and I can actually see Buffy's jaw drop, while my eyes almost bulge out of my head. Angel and Cordelia? Cordelia Chase?

"W-what do you … I mean…," my sister is clearly shocked by these news, and the color of her skin now equals Wesley's. Which only proves again what I've been guessing all the time. She's far from being over Angel. She might fool the others, herself, even me for a while, but you don't cry your eyes out over a guy each night for months, and just forget about him after some years. When Riley left, she was sad and all, but it was nothing like before. Not that I'm the expert on relationship here, but I have eyes and ears, and contrary to popular opinion I'm not stupid.

"They were a couple," Connor says without any emotion in his voice.

"No, they weren't," Fred jumps in, giving Buffy a smile, "but they had a lot of Keyrumption going on. But nothing was said - yet."

Yet? Gulp. Cordelia Chase and Angel? Key-whatever. No way.

I almost laugh out loud. There is no way Angel would ever fall for a bitch like Cordelia. I still remember her snide remarks towards me when I was young. Besides I'm pretty sure he's still in love with Buffy. I mean, wasn't their love meant to be … I don't know … special? Buffy cried her heart out when he left, and I can remember all the little hearts she drew with the 'Buffy loves Angel' inside, complete with an arrow shot through. I know, I know, I once said I wouldn't like Angel that much, but hey … I was angry then. I actually liked him. A lot. I sigh at that, then look at the woman who calls herself Fred, and am about to say something, when Gunn speaks again.

"Angel hasn't taken off with Cordy. He'd have told us before. No way he'd take off for three months like that. Not with his son being back and all."

"Besides," Spike throws in, "Angel always had taste when it came to women. Not that Cordelia isn't hot, but-"

"Spike you are not helping," Willow hisses from her spot at the computer, and the vampire shrugs. For the first time I realise how different he looks these days, all skinny and red eyes, and it's even more visible in the brightly lit lobby of the hotel. The hotel, that really knocked me right off my feet. Wow that's some home Angel has here. I mean, it's totally cool. Just think what my friends would say if I lived here and brought them home. I'd be girlfriend number one in a flash. Plus we could lock Spike up in the basement and totally forget about him. Now there would be a definite plus.

"Hey," Spike holds up a hand, "I was just trying to point some things out for the Slayer."

"Who would be glad if you'd just shut up and pretend you don't exist," Buffy says icily, for the first time looking at the blond vampire, who in response lowers his gaze, trying to do just what she wants. For a moment - a fleeting, passing moment - I feel something like pity, but quickly stomp it down. No way I'm starting to feel anything but disgust for him.

My sister takes a deep breath, then gazes back at Connor, "Fine, so we are sure Angel has not taken off with Cordy. But that still doesn't answer my question. Why didn't you try to get help in finding him?"

At that Connor shrugs, and something flickers through his eyes, then with a defensive shake of his head, he pushes past Buffy and walks over to the counter, looking at the website Willow has opened by now. "We tried," his eyes on the screen. "But it's hard to find a pile of ashes."


Spike:

The room goes deadly quiet as soon as the words are out, and involuntarily all eyes turn to Buffy who seems to stand alone in the middle of the room. Her eyes are huge in a suddenly sickly pale face, and I can see her swallow, and I can smell that her scent has turned from anger to real fear. The fear I smelled on her that last time in her bathroom.

When sanity returned that night, I felt sick and angry at the same time. I'd almost raped the girl I loved. Or whatever I thought love was then. The first time we had sex it was all about anger and fear and violence, and rutting in the dirt. And even though we did it in several places, it somehow never left the phase of rutting entirely. As if we were total strangers, the sex was purely physical. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't, that she felt something for me, but in the end - even though she liked me - I had to accept that she'd never love me. And when I got my soul I realised it had nothing to do with me having a soul or not. She would never love me because she couldn't. Whenever we had sex she let her darker side rise, let her inner demons come out and play. She freed herself that way, but it was all about her, her fears, her pain, and had nothing to do with me as a person. Of course I wasn't a person then, and that was probably the reason she took me in the first place. And I can understand now, that she picked Riley for the same reason. He might have been a real person, but he didn't present a danger either. He was safe and steady, but she was never in danger of falling in love with him.

"You think Angel might be dead?" I hear her whisper now, and realise that she's not even considered the possibility so far. For any normal human her voice sounds steady and not overly shocked, but I can hear the slight vibrations, can hear her pounding heart. Who the hell does she think she's fooling anyway?

"He could be," the brat who calls himself Angel's son replies. In my earlier days I'd liked to pound some respect into him, if it wasn't for the chip, that is. These days this stupid soul is even worse. This stupid conscience won't let me do such a thing, to a kid of all people, not to forget the fact that Angel would beat the living hell out of me if he knew I'd laid a hand on his precious offspring. Angel's son. I still can't believe this is real. A vampire who himself has a human kid. Talk about strange things. And even more strange are the vibes I'm getting from the kid. Something just isn't right about him. Wonder if the Slayer realised that too. Usually she's good about those things.

"NO." Buffy's voice is firm and strong, and I can see her chin coming up. I know that attitude and there was a time when it made me hot and lusty. That's the Slayer talking now, and I have yet to meet a vampire who doesn't get off on it. "Angel is not dead."

The black guy clears his throat, "Well …," he swallows once, twice, and I can smell sweat and uneasiness, but he forces himself to look her in the eye, "It's a possibility we can't just forget about."

"No," the Slayer repeats, more forcefully now. "I …," her voice falters slightly, "I … would know." And then so quietly that nobody but me hears, she adds, "I hope."

"Of course he is not dead," Nibblet says, coming to stand at big sis' side. "And I wonder why I get the impression that you don't mind one way or the other." She glares at Connor, and I almost smile. Dawn is a really smart kid when she manages to lose the attitude for a moment. And she's so much like Buffy it's hard to believe they aren't real sisters. Not on the outside maybe, but there are so many other things, little stuff. The way their eyes darken when they're angry. The special way they toss their heads.

"No, of course not," Red says from behind the computer.

"Don't think he's dead," I throw in casually, looking at my shoes. I know nobody cares for my opinion, last of all the Slayer, but maybe in this case…

"What was that?"

See, thought that might get her attention. I look up, right into her eyes, and feel my gut squeeze painfully. Because for the first time she really looks at me, and it's not about me, it's about him. She hasn't seen the big poof for months, and he hasn't been part of her life for much longer. But I only have to see that expression in her eyes to know that I never had a chance in the first place. "I'm … related to him," I say, holding her intense gaze, "We usually feel when one of us … you know."

"Vampires don't feel."

That from the brat. And again I have this strange feeling. You know, when your nape starts to crawl and when your skin starts itching at places it usually doesn't. I wonder how someone like him can be Angel's son. And how he can say such a thing when he loves his good old dad? For a moment I wonder if I should point it out, but instantly Buffy's eyes narrow suspiciously. Didn't I just say the Summers girls were smart.

But instead of saying anything, I can see her making a mental note, before her eyes shift to the English guy who was in the car with me and Giles. Has been a watcher, can you believe it? No wonder the council fired him. "Wes, do you have any ideas where we could start looking?"

He sadly shakes his head, "If Lorne was still here, I'd say we should go to his club first, but …," he shrugs apologetically.

"We could ask Wes' girlfriend."

"Who?" Giles looks at Wesley, who turns hin hen head to Gunn, "I already told you, Wolfram & Hart know nothing about Angel. Not that I expect Lilah to tell me, but … I was there in their offices-"

"You were in the building?" the black guy asks, his eyes flashing. "With their permission? Must feel mighty grand, huh? Being one of them."

"Gunn, no," the brunette girl, the one with the huge, shy eyes, puts a hand on his arm. "Please?"

He takes a deep breath, then slowly nods, looks at Buff. "We tried all the places we knew about. I even set my friends on his trace, let them ask around. Nothing. Frankly," he shrugs slightly, "I never thought about asking you. I mean, you weren't actually part of his life recently."

I can almost see her cringe under the blow the words cause in her. Hell, the girl has the most overgrown guilt-complex I know. "No, I haven't," she whispers in agreement. "Which means, we have nothing. No hint, nothing."

"I wouldn't say that," Red suddenly pipes up from the computer, "At least I've logged into the site Fred wanted me to. And there's interesting information," she announces. At once all the people in the room move towards the counter, waiting for her to continue. "Does anyone know someone called Justine?"

I hear a heartbeat increasing rapidly, but there are so many in the room, I can't make out which one.

"Justine?" Gunn asks, "Yeah, she's … she worked with Holtz."

"The guy who took Connor. Hmmm," Red puts a finger on her lips. "I wonder why you didn't start with her?"

"Justine?" Gunn walks around the counter, "I talked to her. Even threatened her, she knows nothing." The witch makes a little sound, and the guy cocks his head, "What is it?"

That's when from the corner of my eye I see Connor cautiously moving away from the others, his eyes darting to the doors. "Hey, you want to go somewhere?" I ask, placing myself casually beside him. I smell a lot of fear on him, and something else, too.

Red looks up from the computer and directly at the brat, "Say, Connor, can you explain to us why you are meeting regularly with her?"

Gunn's head whirls around towards Angel's son, "He what?"

"Here are detailed reports about all the meetings. One or two times a week - all through the last three months," the witch says, her gaze glued to the screen. Beside me Connor starts to sweat.

"I … uh .." he stammers

"Interesting question," the Slayer remarks, raising a brow.

"Yeah," Red doesn't look up when she speaks, "Especially after she killed Holtz."

Connor:

They're all staring at me, but I'm only marginally aware of it. They wonder why I met with Justine, but I couldn't care less, because the same sentence keeps repeating in my head.

Justine killed my father.

At the same moment the denial I feel at that is so sharp, it slices through me like a knife. It just can't be possible. Justine loved my father. Justine worked with him. She mourned with me over his dead body. And she pointed his finger at…

I take a step back, my knees like rubber, my head spinning, and I'm barely aware that I'm shaking my head, stretching my hands wide in front of me. "No,"I whisper. "No."

"Well, it's in here," the red haired girl, Willow, points at the computer. "Y-you didn't know," she says then, giving me a compassionate gaze.

"Then this machine lies," I insist. "Besides those lawyers, A-angel said they are evil. Who says they're telling the truth?"

"Gotta go with Connor there," Gunn says but he looks at me with distrust now. There is nothing left of the big brother attitude he developed these past months.

"Sorry," Willow is clearly uncomfortable, but she looks at me steadily. I like her best of all the people, she seems honest enough, even though I heard she was a witch. But father told me witches didn't have to be bad people. "It's all in there," again she points at the computer. "They have it on video. You can look if you want."

"You mean they have filmed Justine killing Holtz?" Fred asks disbelievingly.

"It seems so," Willow confirms.

Again the information filters slowly through my muddled mind.

Justine killed my father.

I shake my head.

Once.

Twice.

Justine killed my father.

And at the same time another thought comes to my mind.

If Justine killed my father, then Angel didn't do it. My … Angel is innocent.

"Connor," Fred comes towards me, but I back away. From the corner of my mind I see the vampire shifting between me and the doors, blocking my escape. Not that I even want to. Right now, I know nothing. I still see Justine standing there, telling me Angel killed my father. Her eyes were so sad, so …honest. And she lied. She lied.

And if she lied, I wonder swiftly, who else did lie to me?

Did my father lie as well?

And what about Angel? My real … I mean, there were times when I thought he was true, and honest. But then I saw my father and … And now this is a lie. The thoughts start racing in my head, tumbling over each other, getting confused.

Is Angel a monster?

Is Holtz one?

Justine certainly is. But if that's true, then why did my father work with her? Holtz was the only father I ever knew, and he gave me nothing but affection and love. He made me love him. But what if that wasn't true either. If I'm sure of one thing it is that my father hated Angel. He told me what Angelus did to him. To his family.

I suddenly feel sick, and I have to fight down nausea, have to bend over to keep myself from losing my last meal, because the thought that comes to my mind is outrageous, but it's the only thing that makes sense right now.

Angelus killed Holtz' family. So the best way to take revenge would be to take Angelus' family.

I am Angelus' family.

I've lived with Holtz for almost sixteen years. I know how his mind works. He might have loved me. But his hatred for Angel was a lot deeper, a lot stronger. What if in order to truly take revenge he used me as a weapon?

NO, my heart and soul cry. That's impossible. The man is my father. He raised me, clothed me, fed me.

But I thought Justine was my friend, too. And she killed Holtz.

Suddenly I'm very clear. Ignoring all the people in the room, I walk over to the machine, "I want to see. Show me."

"Connor, maybe you shouldn't-" Fred tries to hold me up, but I shake off her hand, walk on as if she isn't even there.

"Show me," I demand.

After a short hesitation, Willow gives a slight nod, and I sit down beside her in front of the screen. Her fingers press some buttons and suddenly a movie starts to play, showing my father, alive and well, and Justine. She is crying, starting at him, shaking her head. But his eyes are on her, intense, demanding, and he's holding …

No, I want to scream, but I know I can't.

Slowly Justine takes the object from his hand and with more tears spilling from her eyes, she starts attacking him, or rather his neck. Once. Twice. Making it look as if he was the victim of a vampire's attack.

It's suddenly too much. With a violent convulsion I lose the contents of my stomach all over the computer.

*

"A towel," I hearshout, before Buffy comes rushing over to my side, while my body is out of control. I hear busy footsteps hurrying away, probably getting said towel, but I don't care. I feel Buffy crouching down beside me, trying to soothe the spasms that rack my body, by laying a hand on my back. "Shhh," she says, "I'm sorry."

She is sorry?

She is sorry?

And what am I?

Another violent spasm goes through me, attacks my stomach, turns it upside down.

I shake my head at her repeated words of comfort, wrap my arms tightly around myself, but am beyond saying anything.

"Hey," she tries again, "It's okay. We all understand. It must be horrible to see the man die who was your father for so long."

Yeah. It is. Horrible. But not as horrible as suddenly realising that you've been nothing but a bait. Nothing but a weapon to a man who pretended to love you, who said he was your father, and who used you to kill his enemy, who happens to be my real father. "S-she lied to me," I manage finally, but I can barely hear my voice. Probably nobody else can.

"She is your friend?" Of course Buffy is a Slayer. She must hear better than others.

I laugh out harshly, "So she said." Suddenly the towel appears in front of my face, and a hand holds a glass of water for me. Without looking up I take it, down it in two large gulps, trying to stop the burning in my stomach, but already knowing it has nothing to do with its emptiness.

"Hey, take it easy," Buffy says gently, her palm moving over my back in soothing circles. "or you're going to be sick again."

I shake my head again, then take the towel, wipe it over my face. "I - I'm better."

"Okay," I hear her say, "Willow can you." She makes a gesture with her hand, and I suppose she's asked her friend to clean up the mess I've made. I feel bad for it for a moment, but there isn't enough left in me right now to really care. I don't fight, when I feel Buffy taking my arm and leading me away towards the office, and forcing me to sit down in the big leather chair. I feel her hand going through my hair, a nice, light touch, even though her fingers are full of callouses. I like the way she touches me, and I wonder if that's how Angel felt when they were together. Fred told me about the starcrossed love-affair between Slayer and vampire. At least all she knew - which wasn't an awfully lot, but it still filled me with awe and the question how a Slayer, a fighter for the good, could fall for a vampire. Even if that vampire has a soul.

The vampire with a soul. Although I have to admit that this whole soul business is still a bit foreign to me.

The vampire who lies in a coffin on the ground of the sea.

Where I put him.

His own son.

Again I feel my stomach rolling, but this time I manage to keep the nausea in check. What am I going to do now? Angel is still a vampire. He still killed Holtz family. But he is also not my fa … Holtz's …killer. There is no doubt he's earned this cruel death for what he's done. But can I be the judge of it? I did it because I thought I was doing vengeance for Holtz. But Angel never killed him. And the man who told me he was my father and that he loved me, lied to me. In the slip of a second I make a decision. Forcing myself to look up and into Buffy's eyes, I try to keep my voice as steady as possible. "You still want to know where my father is? Well, I can show you."