Helpless

Title: Helpless
Part: 4/?
Author: My Reality Girl aka Jessie
Pairing: W/S
Rating: NC17
Warning: Deals with rape
Disclaimer: Not mine never was - just borrowing them for a while!
Feedback: I live for it! Email me at myrealitygirl@yahoo.com
Note: This is A LOT different from what I normally write - if you think I didn’t pull it off let me know! - I set myself a challenge, the question was “why would Spike shave his head?” obviously inspired by James Marsters recent radical new look. I wanted to see if I could write one funny and one sad fic - with that question in mind. Here’s the sad one - anyone else want to give it a try?
Website: where all my fic lives! http://www.freewebs.com/myrealitygirl/

Part Four

After that night Willow and Spike didn’t sleep apart again - nothing more had happened between them - bedroom wise, they just couldn’t bear to be apart.

Willow was content and more importantly comfortable with the kissing and cuddling Spike - for now.

She still couldn’t quite believe that she had gone to his room that night, had fallen so easily in to kissing him - had even kissed him back. She was glad she had - it was as if a part of her had broken free, she could finally feel like a ‘normal’ girl in love.

< Whatever the hell that’s meant to feel like! >

She hadn’t told Spike how she felt, and he hadn’t said the words to her, but she knew the words would come in time. Just as the more physical side of their relationship would emerge - Willow was sure of that, being with Spike was a revelation: he was open, honest and his sardonic humour was infectious.

Spike on the other hand was finding things more difficult, they had been ’together’ for nearly a month now, kissing and holding Willow night after night was great - but he was rapidly wanting more.

His demon cried out for Spike to claim the redhead - but Spike was a patient man.

He had waited 126 years to find Willow - he could wait a few more months, or even years until she was ready to take the next step in their relationship.

< Think too much of this to ruin it now - don’t know how I’m gonna be anyway? Jesus those people have fucked us up pretty good ain’t they >

Spike knew, and understood Willow’s fears because they were the same as his - granted he hadn’t been a virgin when they’d taken him, but his control had been taken away. That hadn’t happened since before he’d been turned.

Spike thought back to a conversation he’d had with Willow the previous evening. They’d lay wrapped in each arms on his bed - just talking and holding each other.

“Spike?”

“Yeah luv?”

“I like this”

“What’s that pet?” he asked kissing the top of her gently, smiling down at the young girl.

“You holding me, just being together - but I’m worried” her voice was soft in the stillness of the darkened room.

Spike frowned down at her - tilting her face to look in her eyes, he did indeed see worry buried in the green depths.

“What about Pet?”

“Us -or there never being a proper ‘US’. I know you’ve not pushed or pressured me like you promised - but I know you want more. I do too - it’s just…” her voice trailed away, her eyes unable to look at him anymore.

“Just what?”

“I’m scared of it - you know making love, sex. When it happened before I was terrified and it hurt so much”

Spike went still, she had never told him about her attack, always saying it was best left forgotten. Now it seemed them being together had opened the wound for her again.

“Tell Me,” he whispered, not wanting to hear about it, not wanting to hear her explain how she’d been terrorised - knowinw anw angry it would make him, but she obviously needed to get it out of her system.

Holding on to him a little tighter she began, her voice small and shaky.

“I was walking home from Xander’s - I always walked home alone back then. We never knew what lurked around in Sunnydale in those days, didn’t know about the demons and vampires. I was crossing the park - it was getting late and I knew it wasn’t safe, but I had homework to do and I needed to get home quickly,” her voice begged him to understand why she’d taken such a remote route home.

Spike nodded, letting her know he knew what she was asking.

“It was raining - I hate the rain. Anyway, I ducked through the alley past the swing set - I thought I heard footsteps behind me, but I put it down to the rain. I didn’t know there was anyone behind me I swear. Not until - until - until he grabbed me.” her voice shook - her eyes misty as she relived the time in the alley.

Spike tightened his hold on her, he could feel her shaking but no tears fell.

“He pushed me against the wall - it smelled awful down there, the wall was cold on my back, slimy - I tried to push him away, I tried. When I screamed he hit me and held a knife to my throat - told me if I shouted again he’s slit my throat. I didn’t shout anymore, I never made another sound - he ripped my panties off, he sc… Sc… Scratched my legs when he did that and it hurt, he didn’t say anything else just put his thing in me - hard - I mean - dammit you know what I mean.”

Spike was rigid, he nodded at her childish terminology - knowing that was how her mind remembered it - it showed him how young she was when it had happened, how inexperienced.

“I wanted to scream so bad - tell him no but I couldn’t speak - couldn’t breathe. The pain was like a knife inside me - he slammed me against the wall so hard that I hit my head, I must have blacked out because when I came to I was lying on the ground - my skirt around my waist, his stuff on my thighs and he’d gone. I ran - just ran - I didn’t even realise I was home until I was standing on my porch” that was when the tears started, fierce sobs raking her small frame - Spike held her close.

Her words had made him feel sick - she had been so young, scared, innocof tof the world - and in one sick barstards moment of madness that innocence had been stripped away.

Spike knew that if he ever found the person responsible for Willow’s attack - chip or no chip Spike would have his vengeance - slow, painful and bloody vengeance.

“I tried to stop him - I did. It wasn’t my fault was it Spike? I didn’t wear skirts for years after that - thought I’d ‘made’ him do it - that I was dressed too provocatively, that‘s what he kept saying - telling me I was ‘asking for it‘. I wasn’t was I Spike? - I’d worn that outfit a dozen times to school and the teachers never complained, Short-ish green skirt, dark green shirt - my little black jacket. I used to dress better before” a sad smile on her lips as she looked at him.

“Willow if you’d walked through town naked that it was no excuse for what happened - you understand that right? What happened when you got home? What did your parents say?” Spike whispered, brushing his lips across her hair. Knowing there was more to come he steeled himself for it.

“Nothing - they weren’t home. Business trip. I came in and found my dad’s gun - thought the man might have followed me, thought he knew where I lived, I don‘t know if I‘d have been able to use it - but I knew I didn‘t want to ever feel that pain again. I went and got in the shower - that’s all I remember until Xander and Jessie found me the next day”

“You were alone? Jesus pet - you must have been terrified. Hold on, what do you mean when they found you the next day?” Spike frowned - his eyes never leaving her face. Willow bowed her head in to his shoulder, her voice slightly muffled as she continued.

“The boys came by because I didn’t show up for school - they thought I was sick. When they got there, I was sitting in the bathtub - the shower still running over me. I was blue with the cold - I’d been there all night and all day and I didn’t remember a second of it! Xander lifted me out while Jessie made tea - What is with hot sweet tea when ever there’s a crisis? It’s not gonna make anything better is it? Anyway I told them, we cried, Xander punched a few walls - then we went back to normal”

Spike tipped her face to his and whispered “Normal for everyone else eh Pet? Never for you though was it?”

Willow nodded “I changed - wouldn’t go out alone, slept with the light on - I still do sometimes. My parents thought I was going crazy because I kept asking them not to go away on trips all the time - to not leave me alone”

Hugging her tight, he told her - his voice leaving no shadow of doubt over the truthfulness of his words “You won’t ever be alone again okay? I’m gonna be with you forever - every night you will be by my side - every morning you are gonna wake up in my arms - understand?”

She nodded slowly - believing every word he spoke, one doubt still lingered and she knew she had to voice it if they were ever going to have a future - have the forever she craved so much.

“Spike - what if we can’t….I can’t ever be with you? Have sex with you? Your not going to be content with what we have now are you? Not forever”

Her eyes looked so sad, so worried of his answer that before he said anything he dipped and kissed her softly - groaning low in his throat as he heard her small sob at the sweetness of it. Pulling back he lifted her chin - his eyes full of such compassion and understanding that she struggled to keep her gaze on his.

“I would be with you without any of this - no kisses or cuddles. You touch me Willow, inside I mean in a way no one else ever has. If we ever make love it will be a bonus of our relationship - not the crux of it”

Willow nodded “it’s the pain I’m scared of - when he… That man… When he had sex with me that night it hurt” her words sounding childish even to her ears.

“That wasn’t sex Willow - that was control. He hurt you because you were a virgin, because you didn’t want him. There was no love - no time -no getting used to each other’s bodies. He just took what he wanted and didn’t care if he hurt you to get it. Remember Pet rape is never about sex, it’s about forcing someone to do something against their will - controlling your body and mind with violence - that’s not love is it? Not what making love is about - at least not for the majority of people. It’s about sharing yourself with another person, sharing an experience that will bring you both pleasure”

“You are an amazing man Spike - I don’t why I never saw that before?” her eyes filled with tears over the honesty of his words.

“I never let you see it before. I always knew you was the special one of the group. You always went out of your way to help people, never wanted anyone to feel like they didn’t belong. Jesus I heard you had even forgiven Angelus for nearly killing you!! That takes a special person Red”

“What happened to Angel wasn’t his fault - just as it wasn’t our fault what happened to us. I could identify I suppose”

“Like I said - a special person” Spike kissed her softly - trying to erase the memories she had brought to the surface of her conscious mind.

Willow slept fitfully that night - Spike held her through every nightmare - through every cry in the dark and when she awoke the next morning she smiled as she realised that she was safe in his tighbracbrace, his head leaning against her own as they’d slept.

Willow looked at the man sleeping next to her and thought of the reason that had brought them together.

She wished with all her heart that it hadn’t taken that - that their feelings could have grown from something other than violence and pain, but they were together now and she just prayed that they could stay that way.

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The Scooby’s noticed Spike and Willow’s burgeoning relationship - though no comment was made they were all happy for the witch and her vampire - all except Xander who was, as usual blissfully unaware of anything but his search of sex, sugar and Twinkies.

In was during one such sugar search that Xander became aware of his best friends new love interest.

He walked into Giles’s kitchen with the certain knowledge that the ex-watcher must have some kind of candy products hidden away somewhere.

< What is it with the British!! Do they have something against CHOCOLATE!! >

As he entered, his nose twitching for any indication of their hiding place, his mouth fell open in shock as he watched Spike lower his head and kiss Willow gently, her arms moving slowly round his neck to draw him closer.

“WHA.. ? HUH…? WILLOW!!”

Spike turned and grinned at the open-mouthed teen , chuckling softly as he heard Anya exclaim from the lounge.

“Xander’s found out. Can we ask Willow for details now?”

“Think I’ll leave you two to chat” he told a blushing Willow, dipping his head he kissed once more before pulling back to leave - she nodded mutely and watched him walk away.

< I hate to see him leave but I love to watch him go! OH bad Willow!! NO DARN IT!! He’s my boyfriend! OOO Boyfriend? I like the sound the sound of that! >

Looking at her friend she grew slightly concerned over the ashen colour his face had become. “Xander? You gonna breathe again anytime soon?”

“You..Him…lips…. With the kissing?” he rambled, his brain scrabbling to comprehend what he had just witnessed.

“Yeah. Me and Spike - you okay about this. I know he’s not your most favourite person in the wor…” but she was cut off mid-sentence by Xander wrapping her into a huge hug.

“I’m glad you found someone Willow - I’ve always said your too special to be alone” he told her, still hugging her close.

“Oxygen becoming an issue” she giggled as he stepped back - then suddenly her eyes filled with tears and she began to cry softly.

“I love him Xander” her voice shaking with emotion as she looked in to her best friend’s eyes.

“So why the tears? Hey has he hurt you because if he has…” he never got to finish his threat - Willow shook her head silencing him.

“He knows”

The boy didn’t have to ask what - he knew. His heart clenched at the memory of Willow telling him, it would be forever painted in his mind.

Her battered body - her tears.

They had been so young. ‘The Three Stooges’ Him, Jessie and Willow - always together, playing pranks, going out, covering each others backs.

Until the night when one of them really needed it.

He and Jessie should have walked her home - he would never forget how shattered she had looked when she had told them what had happened.

It was a bright sunny afternoon, sitting in Willow’s lounge - she was huddled on the couch wrapped in blankets, her eyes still a little shocked, Jessie was sitting at her feet - his eyes misty as he looked from one friend to the other - trying to comprehend the words she was telling them.

He was pacing - not knowing what else to do. He paced back and forth - his mind joked that Mrs Rosenberg would be real mad if he made a groove in her carpet.

Willow’s voice had been eerily calm as she explained why she hadn’t been at school.

Xander could remember ever part of that day so clearly - the worry he and Jessie had shared at Willow not showing up for class - she would have to real sick or dead not to show up for a science test they had reasoned, vowing to go there straight after school had ended.

How scared he’d been when he’d walked into her house and realised the front door was unlocked - no lights were on - and the only sound was one of running water.

Xander had no idea what he would find when he burst into the bathroom - but finding Willow almost blue from the cold, sitting in the bathtub naked - ugly bruises cover her pale skin, a shiny handgun laying on the edge of the tub - no expression on her face, wasn’t even a consideration.

He had lifted her out of the bath, not one word spoken between them - Jessie had run off to make tea for some unknown reason, pocketing the gun with an almost casual air - carrying her down the stairs wrapped in a bath towel, she still hadn’t spoken.

It wasn’t until she was settled on the couch, wrapped in a blanket that the words had poured from her.

Xander knew that at that moment his childhood had ended - the moment he had found out his best friend had been raped.

Snapping back to the present he looked into her clear green eyes and told her softly “You told him” he knew the answer - but he had to say the words.

He knew she had never told Oz.

According to the musician - sex - or the lack of it was the ‘nail in the coffin’ of their relationship.

Oz had quizzed Xander many times on why Willow was ‘frigid’ - Xander hated that word with a fiery passion - Xander had begun to hate the young boy for it, he realised he didn’t know about Willow’s past, but if he’d cared for her at all he would have accepted her decision to wait.

Xander’s mind replayed a confrontation he’d had with Oz in the library a few weeks before the pair had split.

“So what’s Willow’s deal?” Oz had asked - they were meant to be Demon cataloguing - which had turned in to a marathon chat about the girls in their young lives,

“What do you mean?”

“Well I know she’s a good friend of yours - but is there anything I should know?”

“Like what?”

“About why she won’t ‘Get with the lovin’ we’ve been dating for almost 3 months and nothing! - ZIP!”

Xander felt his anger begin to rise - Oz’s next words tipped him over the edge!

“I mean the ‘No we should wait’ and ‘Not tonight - I have homework’ is getting kinda old. Think she’s the kind of girl where ‘No’ really means ‘Yes’?”

Xander grabbed the shocked boy by the throat, slamming him against a nearby bookcase - snarled in to his face “NO OZ IT DOESN’T! When a girl, any girl says NO it means NO - got it?”

The guitarist nodded quickly, shocked by his friends reaction.

“I just thought…”

“Well don’t! listen to me and listen good. If Willow says ’NO’ that is what she means! Try anything and the Dingo’s will be looking for a new band member - got it. Unless you want to be up on a charge for ‘date rape’ I think you better start thinking that what a girl says, she means. Date rape what a stupid fucking word - rape’s rape pal, if your dating the girl it just makes it worse cos she thought she could trust you - and liked you enough to spend time with. So Oz whatever Willow tells you in the future - I’d make a point of doing EXACTLY what she says!” tirade over Xander walked away - not surprised when the couple split up a little while later.

“Xander?” Willow’s soft voice brought him back to the here and now.

“Yeah - sorry. Zoned out for a moment. So you were saying, you love him and he knows - So what’s going on Will?”

“I..I…I want to be with him - you know. I just don’t think I can” her voice quiet so nobody could hear.

“Is he pressurising you?” frowning at his friend

“No - he says he’ll wait forever -which he REALLY means - it’s just, Oh Xander I want to be WITH him - I’m just not sure how to go about it”

“Oh - OH - um I see. You wanna know how to BE with Spike as in the naughty kind of way? - OH um Shit Will - I don’t know how to answer that? It has to be your decision - your not freaking about the idea at all?”

Willow nodded “That’s the problem - I’m not scared of the THOUGHT of being with Spike - I’m just worried that if we start something , and I can’t go through with it…”

“He won’t stop?”

Willow nodded sadly - she sighed and leaned her head against Xander’s chest, not seeing Spike walk back in to see how things were going between the two friends.

Xander put a finger to his lips telling Spike to keep quiet and whispered to Willow “Do you think that if you told him you wanted him to stop he couldn’t or wouldn‘t?”

Spike’s eyes went wide as he realised what they were talking about, he stared at Willow’s back as he heard her mutter.

“I’m not sure - he’s a passionate guy Xander - I think he’d want to stop but maybe he wouldn’t be able to - like what if I get him to the point where he doesn’t want to?”

Spike closed his eyes, fighting back a sigh as he heard his Redheads fears - she wasn’t scared of him, but HIS reaction to HER - if he couldn’t control himself to stop if she wanted him too - at any point in the proceedings.

Smiling at Spike‘s expression he knew Willow wouldn‘t have to worry about that, the man seemed to have more control than anybody else on the planet.

“I don’t think you’d have to worry about that Willow - if he loves you like you love him..” Xander stopped when he saw the vampire’s mouth drop open.

“He doesn’t know I love him - I haven’t told him yet.” she whispered.

Xander and Spike looked at each other for a moment “I think you should tell him - talk all this stuff out before you go any further”

“Really?” Willow asked, raising her head to look up at her best friend - it was then she noticed he wasn’t looking at her, but at someone standing behind her.

< Oh god NO!! he heard me? >

She turned slowly as she heard Xander murmur “Really” before he left them alone.

Spike stood before her, his eyes shining with happiness “Love you” he told her - before picking her up in a passionate embrace.

Willow sucked in a deep breath as she left the ground, her lips clinging to his - drawing back she smiled up at him “I love you too”

Spike laughed as he set her down - then his features turning suddenly serious he whispered against her lips “Whenever we’re together Willow - remember you only have to say the word and I’ll stop - however far along things are. Okay?”

Willow blushed as she realised just how MUCH he HAD heard then told him “I’ll remember that - I’ll let you know when I’m ready okay?”

“I can wait”

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Now that the secret of their relationship was out - both Spike and Willow had had a lecture from Giles about their conduct together, the main point seemed to be “No sex talk in my house - I have enough from Xander and Anya” - the couple had taken that as a sign of his blessing.

Buffy was over the moon they were together, she’d threatened Spike not to hurt her friend - but that was a normal best friend ‘thing’ to do anyway.

Anya had wanted juicy details - sulking when Willow refused, and informing them that if they wanted they could borrow some of hers and Xander’s many ‘toys‘ - Xander had nearly died from embarrassment - while Giles’s went in search of whiskey with a grumbled “Bloody Hell”

Xander - he had been the most supportive of them all - he knew about Willow’s past, and wished them luck for the future, telling Willow that if she ever wanted to talk he was right there.

Willow took him up on that offer a month after her declaration of love - she called by Xander’s basement - thankful that Anya was out.

“Hi Will - to what do I owe the pleasure?” Xander asked, clearing his dirty laundry from a chair so she could sit for a while.

“I have a question that I think you could help me with”

“Of course - I am a font of knowledge - as long as it’s not to complicated cos you know - not that good with the - book learning-” he laughed; tapping the side of his head for emphasis.

Willow laughed “No - um - it’s kind of personal”

“Oh - about you and ‘baldy’ boy is it?” loving the new nickname he’d given Spike - Willow’s next words, softly spoken, soon wiped the smile from his face.

“I need your help - how can I seduce Spike?”

T.B.C