Lost Letters

Title: Lost Letters

Author: Jennifer

Copyright (c) 2002 - 2003 by Jennifer Johnson

Distribution: If you would like to archive this somewhere, please ask my permission first!

Feedback: jennpurr@yahoo.com or willowtaralove@netzero.com Please, give me feedback. Good or bad. Feel free to tell me what you think. Or just post it here.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy/UPN/FOX and whoever else owns the rights. This is solely for my entertainment. Please do not copyright this story. All original characters belong to me.

F/F romance: If the idea and depiction of a same sex relationship bothers you, please do not read this story.

Pairings: W/T, X, B

Spoilers: None

Summary: Someone in Willow's family has died and she discovers a painful secret.

Rating: PG to NC-17. This part is PG to PG-13? (Some graphic language)

Angst Level: 10+?

My Thanks: To Danie. Thanks for being my beta/friend and for helping me out with all the suggestions. You truly are gifted for writing. I hope you continue to do so. And D, don't forget the catnip.

Dedication: To all the W/T fans. May we always keep Tara alive in our hearts.

Author's Notes: The timeline of this fic takes place 8 years after Tara left Willow in, "Tabula Rasa." She left Sunnydale and moved to LA. They have not spoken since that time. Willow moved out of Buffy's house and in with her parents until she graduated from College. Now, she has her own house and owns her own business.

Story Note: Guys, this is very angsty, but if you will hang in there through the whole story, I promise you it will be well worth it. If I make anyone cry, I am very sorry. Again, I'm sorry for the angst. Hang in there.



FIC: Lost Letters, Chapter 4
By: Jennifer



Tara sat up, as she stared at her ex-lover's retreating form. She appreciated the view, if nothing else. Willow was still one of the sexiest women she had ever known.

Closing her eyes, she shook her head, shaking away all the lusty thoughts occupying her mind at the moment.

The redhead felt the other girl's eyes upon her and she grinned, widely. "I've still got it," she whispered, to where only her own ears could hear. Once she reached the door and opened it, Willow couldn't keep the smug look off of her features.

She looked like the cat that had just ate the canary.

Somewhat lunging forward and grabbing onto Willow's shoulders, Buffy tried to catch her breath. She used the strong shoulders her fingers gripped, as support, keeping her wobbly knees from giving out all together.

Scrunching up her brow, the witch looked concerned and gently walked the Slayer backwards, so they weren't standing in the middle of the doorway. "Geez, Buffy. Did you run the whole way here or something?"

"Yeah... had to," came a breathy reply. Lowering her head, the blonde swallowed and then looked back up. "Need... to talk, Will."

She pulled her best friend's hands away from her shoulders and let them drop, once she knew the other girl was calmed down and could stand on her own. "What's up?" the redhead questioned, curiously.

"I left you a message... on your machine. Tara... it's about, Tara." Her breathing started to return to normal and she sighed. Buffy took a few more steps backwards and sat down on the top step to the stairs leading down to the sidewalk.

"I didn't check my machine yet." Willow smiled at the name of her love. "What about her, Buffy?"

"I called Angel after I left earlier and he told me that she left LA." The Slayer bowed her head and felt ashamed, for not telling the other girl about Tara's whereabouts before it was too late. "I'm so sorry, Will. She's gone."

Willow felt genuinely bad to see the blonde so torn, but she still couldn't hold back the smile that graced her lips. Before she could respond th, sh, she felt a hand on her lower back.

Turning her head to the left, she locked eyes with Tara, whom had been listening quietly from inside the house.

"It's okay, Buffy," the blonde witch spoke, calmly.

Shaking her head no that it wasn't, Buffy didn't seem to notice that it wasn't Willow talking to her.

"Buffy, look at me." The redhead's voice was gentle. She leaned into Tara, taking the hand that was now at her side, brushing her thigh.

Looking up, the Slayer looked at the other girl. She did a double take when she saw who was standing beside her. "Tara?" she needed verification that her eyes weren't deceiving her.

Nodding, Tara smiled warmly.

The next thing she knew, she was being pulled into a strong embrace. Buffy's arms latching around her back, squeezing her for all she was worth. The blonde witch hugged her back, but soon needed to break away. "Buffy, it's nice to see you, but I need to breathe."

"Oh, my God. I'm sorry." She pulled back and gave the other girl a look of apology. "Sorry... got a little carried away there."

"It's okay," Tara reassured her.

Buffy turned her head and looked at Willow, her face suddenly long, sadness stinging her eyes. "Will, can you ever forgive me?" She took a tentative step closer to the redhead, yet again, asking for forgiveness. The fact that she had already asked once and been granted it, that didn't matter right now. Her heart needed it to be given once more.

The hacker's eyes scanned every inch of the Slayer's eyes, probing deeply, accepting her mistakes - accepting her repentance. She knew Buffy had done everything the way she had, out of sheer protection and friendship. Although, she was still angry at the way she had handled the situation, but in retrospect, Willow herself may have done the same thing if their positions had been reversed.

Reaching forward, Willow's fingers gripped around Buffy's hand and she pulled her towards her, letting go of her grip and hugging her with her right arm. Her hand found the blonde's right shoulder and she grabbed onto it, giving the other girl a firm embrace.

The redhead's left hand was again preoccupied, her fingers wedged between Tara's. Their hands were embracing, not letting go. Willow wasn't about to let go of her love, even if the hug she was sharing now with her best friend, was awkward.

Closing her eyes and letting a heavy sigh fall from her lips, Buffy shivered. Willow forgave her. Silently, she made a vow to herself to never deceive the redhead like that again, or Tara. That was an absolute.

Kissing the cheek that had rested on hers, the hacker pulled back, reaching down and giving the Slayer's hand a final squeeze and letting it go.

She locked eyes with Buffy's softer green ones and held them. Her next words flowing forward, marking their claim, not wanting to have to be spoken again. "I forgive you, but Buffy... right now, this moment... it's the last time," her features resolved, sliding into place.

Closing her eyes and nodding her head, the Slayer accepted. When her lids opened again, they locked with Willow's again. "Thank you and I swear... never again."

She blinked and looked away, her vision falling on the still joined hands in between the two women before her. Her heart fluttered at the sight. This is how it should be, should have been. Their hands looked so perfect together, sharing the same space, the same air.

Stepping to the side a bit, she now stood in front of Tara. She wouldn't look at her at first, shame plaguing her thoughts, but when she did finally look up, she was met with a smile.

The blonde witch's full lips were perfect. The smile that tickled her lips was grateful, grateful for this moment.

When Buffy spoke again, her voice was soft. "Tara, I need to ask for your forgiveness, too."

Shaking her head, her eyebrows furrowed, she didn't understand. "For what?"

A heavy breath falling from her lungs, she stepped back just a step, giving the other girl space. "For not telling the truth; for keeping you from, Willow these past three months, when you could have been with her, working things out. I..." she paused to gather her words.

Should she betray Angel's confidence? He HAD told her not to say anything, but Tara was here now, not there. And she should know the truth. That was her final decision.

"I knew where you were and I didn't tell, Willow. I thought I was protecting her, not wanting to see her hurt again." Buffy laughed, disgusted and shook her head, looking over at the redhead. "... But you ended up getting hurt anyway, by me. And I'm so sorry."

Frowning and squeezing her eyes shut briefly, she looked back at Tara, who was waiting patiently, waiting for Buffy to finish. "I'm sorry, Tara."

In actuality, the blonde witch was somewhat glad. She hadn't been ready to see Willow yet. Here, now, being with her ex-lover was more than she could have ever dreamed of, but if it had happened any earlier, there was no telling how she would have handled it.

"Buffy," Tara started, but waited until the other girl looked up at her to finish. "You did what you thought was right and I can't judge for for that, but... from now on, I know you will make the right decisions and won't make the same mistakes over again. Right?" She tilted her chin down, looking her in the eyes.

"You're so right," the Slayer responded.

Stepping forward, the blonde witch embraced the other girl in a firm hug, but kept hold of Willow's hand. She wouldn't let go, never again.

"Thank you for taking care of, Willow," Tara whispered in Buffy's ear, only loud gh fgh for her to hear. "I'm going to take over for you now, though." She gave her lower back a squeeze and let go, stepping back and smiling graciously at the Slayer.

Buffy smiled back at her and gave her a short nod in agreement.

"How's, Dawnie?" She directed her question towards the other blonde, as she settled back into her position beside the redhead, squeezing her hand and leaning their shoulders together. She needed that extra closeness.

"She's good. She's in med school," Buffy beamed, proud of her younger sibling. "She's going to be sad that she missed seeing you." Her smile began to fade, thinking of how heartbroken her sister would be.

Tara's features fell and her voice became a whisper. "I know."

She knew that Dawn was away at school, but she didn't provide that information. Too many questions and she didn't feel she had the strength to answer. Truth was that she had been e-mailing back and forth with the younger Summers over the past couple of years. She had told her not to say anything. She knew it would get back to Willow if she did and that was something she wasn't ready to face at that time.

"I wish I could see her, too." The blonde's words broke off at the end, a lump forming in her throat.

"Hey," Willow spoke softly, pulling her hand out of her loves and reaching behind her to gently stroke her back. "You'll see her soon."

Reaching up with her other hand, she cupped the right side of Tara's face, her thumb caressing her flesh. Leaning in, she left a ghost of a kiss on the corner of her lips and embraced her fully, pulling them together snuggly.

Tara returned the embrace, turning her head so that her lips rested against Willow's neck. She kissed her there once and gave her a firm squeeze, before pulling back and smiling in gratitude at the hacker, pressing their warm foreheads together.

"I know," she answered her, her voice not as broken now.

Buffy's stomach fluttered at what she had just witnessed. Tara was home and Willow was going to be all right. Her day was finally starting to get better. "It's good to have you home, Tara," she spoke aloud and smiled.

*****

They both watched her walk away, making her way down the sidewalk to go home. Once the Slayer was out of sight, Tara was the first to speak, turning towards Willow and taking her hand. "We need to talk."

"I know." She searched the blue eyes before her. She was surprised at what she found there. Tara was afraid of something, but what? "What is it?"

Looking away, the blonde just gripped the hand in hers and started to walk back into the other woman's house.

Willow shut the door behind them and continued to follow Tara, as she was led into the living room.

When they neared the couch, Tara let go of the hacker's hand and motioned for her to sit down. Once sitting, she looked away from her companion and began to pace. Her mind was spinning a million miles a minute and she searched for words, wondering how to say what needed to be said.

Watching the back and forth motion, the other girl was making was starting to cause her dizziness. She kept her eyes on the blonde though, waiting, letting her have the time she needed. "Are you okay?"

Running her fingers through her hair, Tara finally stopped pacing and looked down at Willow, catching her eyes. She stepped over in front of her and knelt down in-between her knees, resting her arms on top of her thighs for support. "No."

"What, what's wrong?" her voice held the panic that her heart now raced to. Reaching up, she tucked some of that blonde hair behind Tara's left ear, letting her fingers brush her cheek before she dropped her hand.

Taking in a deep breath, she began. "Willow, I need you to promise me that you will listen to what I have to say and not interrupt me. I know you... you will probably want to say something, but I want you to wait until I'm finished. Okay?"

Nodding, she gave her word.

Pushing up with her hands, Tara stood again, but right in front of her this time, a few steps back. "There's something I need to tell you about, Dawn." Closing her eyes, she breathed in deeply. "We've been in contact with each other for the last four years."

The redhead's promise to not speak until the end was forgotten as she blurted out, "Huh? What are you..."

"Will," the blonde's voice cut her off. "You said you would wait. Please?"

"... But," Willow tried to protest.

Stepping closer to her, she placed her middle and index fingers on her lips. "Please!"

Kissing them lightly, she nodded.

"Thank you." Tara removed her fingers and sat down beside the other girl on the couch, sitting sideways, her left leg bent at the knee. "Don't be mad at, Dawnie. I was the one who told her not to say anything to anyone. I wasn't ready to talk to you or Buffy or anyone else, here."

Looking down at her hand resting on her knee, she spoke with a very small voice. "I... I thought that you hated me or didn't want anything to do with me. That's another reason why I..."

Willow turned her body around so fast; the momentum almost knocked Tara over, onto her back. Her own right leg bended and her knee touched the blonde witch's. She now sat eye to eye with her, looking straight at her. Her eyes held an intense protest. "Tara, no. Never. I never..."

"I know," she cut her off, leaning forward, their faces just inches apart. "I know that now, but then... then was a different story. I know better now, but you have to understand why I felt that way."

Sadness swept over Willow's face and she bowed her head. "I do. It was all, my fault. I, I violated you!" she said in an angry voice, angry with herself. "I... I mind raped you, Tara." She spat disgustedly and lifted herself off the couch and walked away, ing ing her back on the blonde, not having the courage to keep looking at her.

Tara's heart started to pound in her chest and her breathing increased. She lifted her head and looked at Willow's back. Her shoulders were shaking and her fists were balled down at her sides. She was squeezing them as hard as she could, wanting to punch something.

Slowly standing, she stepped towards the hacker and hesitated briefly, before moving over in front of her, staring at her lowered head. "Yes, you did. What you did to me was horrible, Willow. You betrayed me."

"Do you have to keep throwing that in my face?" she snapped and pulled her head up, staring into Tara's eyes, coldly. She instantly regretted her words and her tone, when she saw the hurt flash across her ex-lovers face.

Willow closed her eyes, holding back her tears, and she turned away again. "I... I'm sorry."

The blonde just looked at the floor, feeling like she'd been slapped, but the other girl was right. She had thrown that in her face, whether intentional or not. It still hurt though, very deeply.

"No, I'M sorry, but... it's true, Willow. You did hurt me. You hurt me so much when you did that to me." Tara lifted her eyes, looking up again. When she spoke this time, her voice was just above a whisper. "... But, that was 8 years ago. We've moved on from that, learned from our mistakes."

The redhead turned her head a centimeter to the right, but didn't directly look at the other girl. She couldn't; not right now.

Her body stiffened up, when she felt Tara moving closer to her, walking around the side of her and stopping before her. She kept her head turned though, her shame keeping it locked in place.

"I-I betrayed you, too." Tara's voice was starting to tremble. An emotional breakdown was on the verge of erupting.

Willow finally looked at her - everything - and her damn broke, she couldn't hold it back any longer. "No... Tara, you didn't."

"Yes I did. I left you. I left you alone to deal with everything, when I should have stayed to... h-help you. I l-l-let you down..." her voice broke off, tears flowing freely now. She covered her face with her hands, trying to hide, trying to make herself invisible.

Willow's heart broke and her stomach balled up into a knot, as her body shook with sobs. "You... you did what... you had... to do. I... don't blame... you for that."

"You... s-should." Tara's knees gave in, buckling, pulling her to the ground. She let gravity have it's way. She was only half surprised when the redhead followed her lead, dropping to the ground and grabbing her arms.

Pulling on Tara's arms, she yanked her forward, embracing her with all of her strength. She held her as tight as she could and refused to let go, even when the blonde tried to free herself.

Melting, losing the battle with herself, she sank into the hacker's arms. Her own arms wrapped around the slender back of the other girl and she held on, burying her face in the other girl's warm neck.

They grieved together, letting all of their emotions go. The first step had been taken. They still had a ways to go, but they were now closer to getting there together.

*****


TBC...