So Damn Domestic

So I guess I lied when I said it would take me a while to write this. But hey, when you get inspired things just go a lot faster. I hope you enjoy. And in the last POV does anyone know what box Buffy is talking about?
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The Following Morning. MPOV


“Brother,” I hear a whisper and feel something shaking me. I don’t wanna wake up yet, it’s too early. It’s still dark outside. I don’t even haffta open my eyes to know that. It’s got somethin to do with bein a slayer. We can feel when the sun rises and sets. It’s like a bunch of little tingles in our stomachs. So I know it’s early but my little sister is tryin to wake me up. Addison’s been doin this a lot. When the baby came home she was fine but Mom and Mama pay attention to the baby more then us so Addison’s been clinging to me more then a fly on sticky tape. “Brother, the baby’s crying and Mama won’t wake up.” She pushes me again. If she pushes me one more time I’m gonna push her back. Kyle’s right sisters are annoying.


“Then wake Mom up,” I tell her but my face is still in my pillow so I don’t know if she heard me. She is so annoying but I put up with it ‘cause she’s my little sister so it’s my job to look out for her. I help her up when she falls down, I let her sleep in my bed when she wakes up from a nightmare, and I make sure no one hurts her. Somethin is wrong or she wouldn’t be in here, she’d still be asleep. She’s not like me, she wakes up so easy that Mama thinks she should soundproof her room, whatever that means.


“I can’t find Mommy. She’s not in her room or anywhere. Get up Brother,” she pushes my shoulder again and I lift my head up and look at her. Why does she have to be so annoying? I’m gonna tell her no, to go back to bed and just let Mama get up and take care of Joseph. But then she sticks her bottom lip out and tears are in her eyes. Great, now she’s gonna cry, I hate it when she cries. “Pwease Brother.” I hate it when she pouts like that. She knows I can’t say no to it. I throw the covers off me and she smiles and runs out of the room. I stand up and yawn and walk down the hall and into my parents’ room. Mama said that babies are loud but this is ridiculous.


“Mama,” I say and shake her shoulder just like Addison did to me. But she doesn’t move, she just keeps snoring. “Mama, get up.” I pinch her nostrils closed so she can’t breath. After a couple seconds she rolls over and my hands ripped away from her face. This is stupid, why won’t she wake up? “Mama!” I yell and she mumbles somethin about making breakfast later. I’m gonna have to do this myself. I go into the kitchen and open the refrigerator and look inside. Let’s see...moldy cheese, no. Smelly meat I think is bologna, no. Ah, the bottles Mom filled up last night, yes.


She got this thing called a ‘breast pump’ so she can fill up some bottles and Mama can feed Joseph without wakin her up. Mom’s been actin kinda weird for a while, ever since she had the baby. She doesn’t talk to anyone, and she doesn’t want to hold the baby and Mama’s getting worried. She didn’t tell me that but I know she is. I’m nine not retarded, I know when she’s worried. Anyway, I grab a bottle and take off the lid and put it in the microwave for thirty seconds ‘cause that’s what Mama said you’re supposed to do. She showed me how to do this yesterday ‘cause I want to help out a little ‘cause I know they’re not sleepin a whole lot these days.


I take the bottle out of the microwave when it beeps and put the lid back on. I test the milk just like Mama showed me and it’s not too hot, not too cold. I can hear Joseph crying and Addison trying to wake Mama up but I don’t think it’s gonna work. She was up all day yesterday takin care of the baby ‘cause Mom didn’t want to. And Mom was supposed to take care of him today ‘cause she said she would but I think she’s in the bathroom or somethin ‘cause I haven’t seen her yet. She’s not in her bedroom or in here or the living room. It was kinda weird last night ‘cause Mom filled up a bunch of the bottles. Ten of ‘em, maybe eleven. She’s never filled up that many before and she didn’t tell anyone why she was doin it. Not even Mama, and they tell each other everything.


When I walk into the bedroom with the bottle I see Addison jumping up and down on the bed singing the Tigger song but Mama doesn’t move or say anything. She’s really tired, I don’t think anything is gonna work. The Tigger song usually works, but I know it isn’t gonna cut it today. When Addison sees me she sits down on the edge of the bed and leans over a little bit and looks down at our brother. He’s not as small as I thought he was gonna be, but he’s still tiny. All he does is eat and sleep and poop. I thought he was gonna be more fun, but I guess I was wrong. I don’t really remember what it was like when Addison was a little, little baby. I remember her crawling and stuff and we never really played together until she learned how to walk.


I’m not supposed to pick him up by myself ‘cause I might accidentally hurt him, so I just hold the bottle up to his mouth and he bites the rubber part and starts sucking away. I’m gonna have to stand here like this until he’s all done, and he eats a lot so I’m probably gonna have to go back into the kitchen and get another bottle. Now that he’s not crying the room is really quiet. I don’t like the quiet, that’s why I sleep with a fan on. I yawn and rub my eyes with my other hand and I feel Addison lean against me. See, what did I tell you? Just like a fly on sticky tape.


I just had to ask for a little brother. This is all my fault. I wanted a little brother and I asked Mama about it and she said I’d have to wait and see, and then BAM! I got a little brother. I thought it was bad enough when Addison was a baby ‘cause she was always crying and Mama never read to me, but now I’m gonna have two little siblings all over me like flies on sticky tape. What am I gonna do? I can’t hide out in the tree house forever. At least now I know to stop asking for stuff. ‘Cause you never know if you’re really gonna get it.


“What are you kids doing in here?” I hear Mama ask. She sounds really tired. Her voice sounds like there’s rocks in her throat. It sounds like that sometimes but only when she stays up for a really long time. Like when her and Mom do ‘grown up stuff’ together. They haven’t done any of that for a long time. She looks over at us and her hair is all messy and she has really big really dark bags under her eyes. That means she hasn’t slept in a long time. She has to get up at night to feed Joseph and she took care of him all day yesterday. I’m surprised she woke up.


“My baby was crying and we can’t find Mommy,” Addison tells her and crawls over to her. She’s been acting really weird too. She normally doesn’t bother anyone but me. Mom and Mama feel left out ‘cause she never asks to play with them or anything. Nope, she just wants to play with me and hang out with my friends and go with us when we ride our bikes. Sometimes I can’t leave to go be with my friends because she cries and she doesn’t stop ‘til I get home. So when the parents don’t feel like listenin to her cry they just make me stay home. She is so annoying, hopefully Joseph won’t be like that.


“What do you mean you can’t find Mommy?” Mama says and sits up. She smiles a little at me and then looks at the basinet. It’s not a full smile, just one of those little half ones that she does without really thinkin about it. She told me yesterday she’s proud of me for helpin out so much, but whatever. I’m a big brother, that’s my job. It’s a tough one, and sometimes it’s really annoying but somebody’s gotta do it.


“I found this on the table,” Addison says and picks an envelope off the nightstand and hands it to Mama. There’s writing on the front of it and it looks like my mom’s handwriting. Addison didn’t tell me about that. Why didn’t she tell me about it? I’m her big brother, she’s supposed to tell me everything, that’s how it works. I’ll have to have a talk with her about this later. Mama opens it and pulls out a piece of paper. It looks like a note. I wanna read it. I feel somethin pushin on the bottle and I look down. Joseph is pushin on the rubber part with his tongue, that means he doesn’t want anymore. So I put the bottle on the little table and then look over at Mama. I don’t think there’s anything good in that note.


When she’s done reading it she jumps out of bed and runs outta the room. Ok, that was weird. What the hell is in the note? Yeah, sometimes I say bad words, but who cares? I’m just thinkin all this, it’s not like anyone can hear me. Then Addison jumps off the bed and runs out of the room. She’s curiouser then a cat, at least that’s what Mom says. And Mama says she takes after Mom ‘cause she’s so curious. I remember ‘cause Mama slept on the couch that night. That was when Mom was still pregnant and the hormones made her crazy or somethin like that.


I don’t wanna know what’s going on because it isn’t good. I saw the look in Mama’s eyes before she jumped outta bed. She looks scared and I don’t wanna know why. It has somethin to do with Mom, it has to because she didn’t look like that until she read the note. And Mom isn’t here so I think I got an idea of what the note says. I can’t remember the name of that kinda letter, I know I’ve heard it before on T.V. but it’s too early so I can’t remember it right now. But it isn’t good. On the show the girl wrote the letter to her boyfriend and then she left and she never came back.


I hear footsteps in the living room. I know they’re Addison’s footsteps because they’re light and it sounds like she’s running. The sound is getting closer and closer to the room and she’ll be in here in about a second. There she is, and she looks a little scared. She runs behind me and hides her face in my back. What is going on? Now I wanna know. I need to know what’s scaring my little sister so I can make it go away. Then I see Mama run back into the room and it looks like she’s crying. It’s so weird. I’ve never seen her cry before. And if I have I can’t remember. Moms aren’t supposed to cry, they’re supposed to take care of their kids when they cry, so it’s weird seein her cry.


She runs over to the closet and pulls the door open. She starts lookin through the clothes, what is she looking for? Then she runs into the bathroom and I can hear her pullin the drawers open. I think I know what’s goin on. I look over at the closet and I can’t look away. Most of the clothes are gone. Mom likes to hang her shits up ‘cause she doesn’t like the lines on ‘em when you fold ‘em up. Mama doesn’t really care so she puts hers in the dresser. But she has some stuff hangin up, and those are the only things hangin up in the closet.


She’s gone. I know she’s gone. Mama probably ran outside to see if Mom’s car was in the driveway or not. I’m gonna take a guess and say it isn’t there. Why is this happening? Why did my mom leave us? She said she loves us, did she lie? Doesn’t she want us anymore? I look over at the bathroom door when I see her walk out and she’s just standing there looking at me. I look into her eyes and she has tears in hers and they’re runnin down her face now. She knows I know. I can tell. My mom always said I have expressive eyes. I don’t know what that means, but I guess that’s how they know what I’m thinkin most of the time.


“Take your sister in the living room,” she says and her voice sounds really weird. It sounds like it hurts to talk. Probably ‘cause she’s trying not to cry. “I need to call aunt Willow.” My aunt Willow is a witch so if my mom did leave she’ll be able to find her. She’s done stuff like that before only with demons and stuff. They think I don’t listen when they talk about slaying but I do. I’ll hide in the hallway far enough away from the living room so they can’t see me, but close enough so I can hear.


I have better hearing then the other slayers so I don’t need to be as close. I’m stronger too. I’m stronger then Mama but I haven’t told anyone yet. I found out when her and uncle Xander where building the training room in the backyard. There was a metal bar that she needed to bend for some reason, but she couldn’t do it. She got mad and threw it down and started cussin and went back in the house. I waited until everyone else was in the house ‘cause I wasn’t allowed around the construction site, and I bent the bar. It was hard but I did it. I don’t want anyone to know how strong I am ‘cause they might make me go to the slayer school and I don’t wanna do that.


I hold onto Addison’s hand and leave the room. She’s tryin to fight me but I’m stronger then she is so I’m kinda draggin her. I know I’m not hurting her or she’d kick me or somethin. I sit on the couch and she does too. She isn’t trying to lean against me or anything and it’s starting to freak me out. She’s just staring at me because she knows I know something and I haven’t told her. But I’m not gonna tell because she’ll cry and I hate it when she cries.


“Brother, where’s Mommy?” she asks and it sounds like she’s gonna cry. Great, now what am I supposed to do? I can’t tell her that Mom left because she’ll freak out, and I can’t tell her that she went to the store or somethin because I don’t know what she’ll do when Mom doesn’t come home in a little bit. And I don’t know where she is. She never said anything to me about leaving and I don’t think she said where she’s goin in the letter or Mama would be in her car right now and drivin like a maniac to get to her.


“I don’t know,” I tell her and she starts to cry. I hug her but she doesn’t hug me back. She’s shaking and her tears are gettin my shirt wet but I don’t care. She needs me. I don’t really remember what it’s like not to be a big brother. But I do remember when she was little, really, really little and one day she was sleepin and I snuck into the bedroom and Mama was sleepin too. I walked over to the basinet and just looked at her. She woke up but she didn’t cry, she just looked at me. I reached in real slow and touched her cheek and I thought she was gonna cry ‘cause her whole body tense up, but she smiled, that was the first time she smiled. I don’t know why I’m thinking about that now, but I am. I don’t know what’s gonna happen now, and I’m scared. For the first time I wish I was a little brother so someone would take care of me like I take care of Addison.


FPOV


“No Willow, she didn’t just take a walk, she’s gone. She packed up her shit and she left.” I’m so pissed off right now I can’t see straight. How could she fuckin do this? How could she just take off like that? My dad told me somethin like this might happen if I didn’t get her help but I didn’t believe him. I guess I should listen to him more often. I try to concentrate when Red starts talkin. She acts if B left a note. “Yeah, she left a letter. She said she needs to leave ‘cause she feels suffocated, and she needs to go some place where she can breathe for a while. She doesn’t know when she’ll be back but she’ll call in a couple days.”


“Oh my God, Faith...I’m so sorry.” Not your fault Red. “That is just so horrible. What do you want me to do? Locator spell? I can do a locator spell.” That’s exactly what I want.


“Yeah Red, do that.” I hear her shuffle some stuff around and then the sound of a lighter bein lit. “I hate ta ask you this but I need you to look after the kids for a couple days. I need to find her and find out what the fuck’s goin on inside her head and it might take a while. I knew I should have done something. She’s been depressed ever since we got home, I think it started before that, when we were still at the hospital. What the fuck is that matter with me? Why didn’t I do anything?” I know I shouldn’t but I’m starting to cry.


“Faith you can’t blame yourself. She’s probably just going through postpartum depression. It happens to a lot of women. We all saw the way she was and none of us did anything so you’re not the only one at fault here, we all are. Ok, I need to put the phone down so I’ll be right back.” Sure they all saw what was goin on but she’s my wife! I should have done something! I should have dragged her to the doctor’s office and had them diagnose her with whatever it is she has. There’s no fuckin way Buffy would just run out on us like that without some type of mental problem.


“Ok, she’s on the seventy heading east. She just passed Fremont Junction, that’s in Utah. She’s got about a five-hour lead. After I hang up I’ll teleport over there so you can leave right away.” She hangs up the phone and about ten seconds later she’s standing in my bedroom, still in her pajamas. Her hair is all fucked up from sleep and she looks really freaked out. She has a map in one hand and a little backpack in the other. That’s probably her magic stuff. She rushes over to me and wraps me up in a big hug. It isn’t weird like her huggin me normally is.


“Don’t worry about a thing, ok? I’ll take care of everything here, you just go find her ok? I’ll keep tracking her and call if there’s any change in direction or if she makes any stops. Don’t rush too much, the last thing we need is you gettin in an accident.” She lets me go and I run over to the closet and pack a bag. I leave the hanging stuff alone ‘cause it’s not what I’m gonna need. So I run to the dresser and just start throwin in socks and underwear and t-shirts and jeans. I get dressed and go to the living room. Addy’s crying, but she’s been crying for a while. I scoop her up in my arms and hug her tight.


“Where’s Mommy?” she asks really fuckin loud around a sob. I got tears in my eyes now but I can’t let them fall, not in front of her.


“I’m gonna go get her back ok? I have to leave for a little while but aunt Willow is gonna take care of you, and Brother is here if you need him and I’ll have grampa Chris come over everyday, ok?” She clings onto me tighter and starts screaming out the word no over and over again. I think it’s the only thing she can say right now. “Yeah baby, I’ll be back I promise. I need to go get Mommy back, and then we’ll come home together.” Shouldn’t have said that, should not have said that because if I can’t get B to come home with me Addy’s never gonna be the same.


I hand her to Willow and she has to use some of her magic to make herself stronger so she can hold Addy back. I look over at Mattie and he stands up and just looks at me. I can tell he wants to cry but he’s bein strong, at least he’s tryin to. I walk up to him and get down on my knees and wrap my arms around him in a big hug. I don’t think he can breathe. He knows this is really bad, and he knows there’s a chance I’m not gonna be able to bring her back. I don’t know how he knows, I just do. I guess it’s the look in his eyes that let me know. He has very expressive eyes.


“Everything’s gonna be ok,” I whisper in his ear and he tightens his grip. “I swear I’ll make it better. I swear.” I give him a big kiss on the cheek and the tears are buildin up him in his eyes. “I’m gonna be gone for a few days, I need you to take care of your sister and help take care of your brother, alright? I need you to be the man of the house.” He nods his head and he knows what I mean by that. I would say more but I don’t wanna freak Willow out. What I meant is I need him to protect them. It isn’t fair because he’s just a kid, but this week there’s gonna be a full moon and all the demons are gonna go fuckin crazy. They normally stick to the woods, but on a full moon the werewolves come out to play and the rules change.


“Make sure they stay in the house, alright?” He nods his head and I give him another kiss on the cheek and stand up and take my baby girl into my arms and give her a big hug and a big kiss. She tries to cling onto me but I hand her to Mattie and she calms down a little. I run back into the bedroom and give my baby boy a little kiss on the bridge of his nose and I tell him that I love him. I run out to the living room again and tell it to Addy first, then Mattie. Willow tosses me my cell phone and I catch it without even lookin as I walk out the door.


I throw my bag in the backseat of my car and start her up and peel outta the drive way. I take off down the street and I’m pretty sure a couple of the neighbors woke up. This is gonna be a fuckin nightmare ‘cause I gotta go through Vegas to get to the highway and there’s always a lot of traffic in Vegas no matter what the Goddam hour is. Don’t all those assholes know there’s more important stuff then gettin shit faced and losin all their money? I guess not since there’s so many of ‘em. Once I get through that hellhole I turn onto the fifteen ‘cause it breaks off into the seventy at Millard county Utah or somethin like that. Once I’m on the highway I flip open my phone and call Giles. He’s pissed ‘cause it’s early but I don’t care.


“Giles, it’s Faith. Look I don’t gotta lot of time to explain ‘cause I’m driving and I’d rather not get in an accident, but I need you to send a team of your best slayers to Lincoln. B took off and I gotta find her and this week is a full moon and it’s gonna be hell in a fuckin handbasket if there’s no one there to keep the demons in line.” I listen as he talks and I sigh. Didn’t I tell him I don’t have time to explain? “I don’t know how long I’m gonna be gone. Red’s watchin the kids, and I’m gonna call my dad and have him help her, but it might be a good idea to send down a slayer or two ta help out.” I slow down a little bit when I see a cop. Gettin pulled over is the last thing I need. “Yeah, send Sissy, Mattie likes her so he won’t get all protective or whatever. I’ll call you later but I gotta go.” I don’t even wait for him to say bye or whatever, I just hang up.


I don’t know where B’s goin but I gotta pretty good idea. She’s either goin to Ohio and she’s gonna sweet talk Giles into giving her a room and convince him not to tell anyone she’s there, which is stupid ‘cause there are so many slayers that would fuckin snitch on her. And this is just a wild, out there guess, but she could be goin to the one place she knows I swore I would never go to again. The place I hate more then prison, worst then livin in crappy motels, worst then bein in a hospital. That’s right ladies and gents, I think she’s goin to Boston.


The thing is, I swore I would never go back, said the day I go back is the day I die from killin myself for bein dragged back there. But I’d follow B to hell and back and she should fuckin know that. It won’t be too long before she figures out she’s bein followed. She’s a smart girl, I’ve never doubted that. I wonder how far she’s willing to take this little chase. How far gone is she? Will she do something stupid and get herself hurt or even killed just to get away from me? Will she ever wanna come back? It has to be her choice, I’m not gonna force her to do somethin she doesn’t wanna do, even if it means single parenthood for me. If she wants help I’ll get her help, but I can’t force her. I don’t know how bad she is, but judgin from the way she was actin the last couple of weeks I’d say she’s too far gone for a guilt trip to work.


Her letter was so damn depressing anyone else woulda thought it was a suicide note or something. I know she wouldn’t do that. At least I’m prayin she won’t do that. She said she’d call, so she will, but what happens after that? What happens when she calls and tells us that she’s in a safe place and she’ll talk to us later, but then she gets so depressed she wants to end it all? I have to stop her. I have to get to her. I have to make sure she’s ok. I need to make sure she’s ok. If she needs time, and she needs space away from us I’ll give it to her. If she wants to walk away from everything we have together…I don’t know what I’ll do, but I’m not gonna force her to come home. My cell phone starts ringing, and I look at the little screen before answering.


“Hold on a second,” I say and then hook the phone up to my stereo and turn the speakers on. This way I don’t have to hold the phone up to my ear while I drive. “Ok, Red, where is she?” I hear Red sigh and I can tell she doesn’t wanna say it but she wouldn’t have called unless it was important. “Red, I don’t got any patience right now, so just spit it out.”


“Sorry about the pause I’m trying to change Joseph’s diaper and he’s being difficult.” I can’t help but smile. That’s my boy, give her hell. “Giles just called and he wants to know if you want a team of slayers out looking for her too. He said he can call the ones who live near where she is now or a few miles ahead of where she’s going and have them waiting for her.” I’ve thought about that and I thought about all the possible outcomes and it wouldn’t be pretty.


“Nah Red, we better not. You remember what she did to Angel’s P.I. when she saw him followin her. And she’s fucked up ‘cause of all the hormones and shit. Let’s just back off, give her some space. I’ll talk to her when I find her. How are the kids doin?” I gotta ask about them. I am worried, even with all this other shit goin on, I’m still worried about them. She says a rushed ‘hold on’ and puts the phone down. She starts talkin to Joseph, and I know she’s talkin to him ‘cause she’s doin that baby-talk bullshit, but whatever.


“Ok, I’m back. That is a good point. I’ll call Giles back and tell him that. He also said he’s going to sound out five slayers to patrol at night and two more to help around here during the day. Did you ask him to do that or do you not want a bunch of people in your house, or what?” I probably shoulda called Red and told her what’s goin on.


“I told him to send ‘em. This week is a full more so things are gonna get fuckin crazy. If Matthew does out with his friends I want him back in the house half and hour before sunset, tell him that ok? I don’t wanna take any chances. Thanks Willow for doin this. I gotta go, the traffic’s gettin pretty heavy so I’ll talk to you later. I’ll call when I stop to get gas or somethin. When the kids get hungry there’s waffles in the freezer. And when the breast milk runs out get the formula for sensitive stomachs, he’s never had it before and I don’t want it to fuck him up.”


“Ok Faith, I’ll do that. Talk to you later.” And she hangs up. I close the phone and concentrate on the road. This is fuckin bullshit. Why didn’t she just talk to me? If she wanted space I couldn’t helped her out, set her up at a nice hotel or somethin, but no. She had to just fuckin take off like this, scare the hell outta the kids, and freak me the fuck out. What, did she think I’d really just let her go? I love her too much to just leave her. We’ll hash this out and if she still wants space then I’ll give it to her but I need to talk to her, and I just sit around and wait for her to call. I need her, I can’t do any of this by myself. Does she really think I can live without her? I’m gonna make her see that. I have to, because if she wants to walk away I don’t know how I’m gonna deal.


BPOV


“The only room we have left is a king, it’ll be sixty-four seventy-seven, would you like that?” the woman behind the best asks. I drove for a little over seven hours before I thought I was gonna fall asleep behind the wheel. So I pulled over in a little town, I don’t even remember the name of it. And this lady is telling me the only room they have is going to cost me seventy bucks. I’m having a really bad day. I left after Faith fell asleep last night. I didn’t have to wait too long because she’s been exhausted lately. It took me forever to pack my bags because I had to be super quiet. Then I put my car in neutral and pushed it for a couple of blocks before I started it. And all of that is a lot harder then it sounds.


“Yeah, I’ll take it,” I tell her and put my credit card on the counter. I show her my id and then sign the receipt thingy. I know, I know, it’s a really dumb idea using credit cards because it’ll just make it easier for Willow to track me. You didn’t think I knew Faith would call her? I’m not stupid, I’ve lived with her for over a decade. Kennedy is her best friend but whenever she needs help when it comes to magic she always goes to Willow. That’s why I forced a demon to do some mojo on me. Everyone thinks I’m on highway seventy heading east but I’m not.


“Thank you, ma’am, have a nice day.” I think I mumble out a ‘you too’, but I’m not really paying attention to anything. I’m just so tired. Seven hours on the road and I have another five to get there. Of course that’s just the mapquest estimate. It’s going to take way longer because of the traffic. I’ve sent them in the complete opposite of where I’m really going. I know Faith hates Boston, so she’s going to think I’m going there just because she hates it. Plus with that little spell the demon did for me it’ll have all of them thinking it. The spell will wear off in a few days and they’ll find me but I’m not going to worry about that not.


I walk up to my room and collapse on the bed. My bags are still in the car but I’m not going to need them any time soon. I know this is selfish, but it just feels so damn good to be out of that house. I don’t feel as free as I want, but I can breathe a little easier. I just felt so repressed, but I’m away from that now, and as soon as I get better everything is going to be ok again. I’ll be able to smile and talk to people and want to pay attention to my kids. I’ll be able to make love with my wife and tell her how much I love her. And I’ll be able to feel it again. I’ll be able to feel how much I love her, how much I love all of them. Right now I can’t feel it, and it’s scary, so that’s why this little vacation is just the thing I need.


Everyone’s going to be mad, I know that. I can’t think about it or else I’ll start to feel guilty again. I just want to sleep for now. I’ll go out to eat later. I’ve never been here before so I don’t know what they’re going to have. Maybe I’ll just go to a McDonalds or a Burger King. Everyone has one of those, right? It doesn’t matter. I could just wait until tonight and eat here. They have an ok restaurant but they don’t serve lunch, only dinner and breakfast. I’m sure by the time I wake up it’ll be time for dinner so I’m not going to worry about it anymore. This is supposed to be a stress free type of deal, and I’m stressing over something really stupid. Besides it’s only...eight thirty in the morning. Hmm, maybe I will head downstairs and eat breakfast.


Ya know, this place isn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. It has a nice pool, a great spread of food, great service. Maybe Faith and I should go on vacation more often. I mean, we could always get someone to watch the kids for a couple of days. Wait...I don’t think anyone is going to watch Joseph for us because he’s still really little. He needs us too much for that. I am worried about him, don’t get me wrong, but I know Faith will take care of him. She isn’t going to abandon our kids to look for me. I only had the spell done in case they send out a team of slayers or something.


I grab a plate and stack it high with waffles, slather them with maple syrup and then get a little bowl of fresh strawberries. I don’t want any coffee and the milk here is two percent and no thank you to that. I might as well be drinking white water.


I go outside and sit in the little patio area. The pool isn’t far from here and there are a few more people out here. A couple guys, probably in college or something like that. It’s nice and cool out here. Nevada is always warm during the day. I know it’s going to be too cold to go swimming since it’s March. And one of the guys is walking this way with a big dumb smile on his face. I so don’t need this right now.


“Hi there, mind if I sit down?” he asks and motions for the chair across from me. At least he doesn’t want to sit down right next to me, that’s a bonus. So I just shake my head no and he sits down. I don’t plan on talking to him or anything, and I would never cheat on Faith, but he looks like the kind of guy whose used to getting his way. I might as well let him sit down and then go back to my room when I’m done eating then listen to him try to convince me to let him to talk me.


“That’s quite the stack you got there.” I just nod my head and take another bite of waffle. He gets a concerned look on his face and shifts around so he’s leaning on the table a little, closer to me. Great, not the ‘concerned guy routine’. I really don’t need this. I should’ve taken my food back to my room. That’s where it’s safe from people. Not just him, but all people. “You seem a little down. Is your husband not treating you right?” I look up at him with this ‘what the fuck are you talking about?’ type of look and he takes the offense. “I don’t mean to intrude, but a beautiful girl like you...I’m surprised he isn’t down here right now doing everything he can to make you happy.” Good save, very good save.


“Thanks for your concern, but I don’t have a husband, I have a wife, and she treats me just fine.” I know I don’t sound very convincing. I sound almost bored. I really don’t want to be talking with this jackass. He wants to get into my pants, that much is obvious, but he isn’t going to get any so he shouldn’t bother. I ignore the stunned look on his face and the goofy smile and keep eating. I didn’t even know I was this hungry until I took the first bite. I’m probably going to have to go back for seconds. That I’ll just take up to my room.


“Is your wife here now?” If he could be any more obvious that he’s thinking about a three some I’d probably lose my temper. I just shake my head no and he gets another goofy smile on his face. Before getting together with Faith I probably would have found that smile cute or whatever. But I don’t think it’s cute, it’s just really annoying. “Whatta you say, you and me go back to my room? I can show you what it’s like to be with a real man.” I look up at him with this ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’ look on my face and he just smiles. I stand up and glare at him and his stupid smile leaves his stupid face.


“I’m going to say ‘no’.” I walk away and leave my food there. I can always get another plate later, and I’m not hungry anymore. I hear the chair scraping against the ground and then footsteps walking towards me. Why is he bothering me? I told him no, didn’t I? I remember me saying no. I guess he’s just one of those guys whose used to getting his way. See, I told you. I’m usually right about these kinds of things.


“Wait,” he says and starts walking right next to me. “I’m sorry, that was out of line.” No fucking shit. “Let me start over ok?” I give him a little glare and keep walking. But he isn’t going to be giving up any time soon. Maybe I should just go to another motel. I’m sure they have plenty of them around here. This is what I get for eating outside. I should just stay in my room until I’m ready to leave. Fuck, I can’t do that. My bags are still in my car and I’m going to need them sometime today.


“No. I don’t want you to start over. I’m married, ok? So I just want you to leave me alone.” I walk a little faster but he’s right at my side. This guy is really starting to bug me. Why didn’t his parents teach him the meaning of the word ‘no’? Sometimes I really hate spoiled kids. I mean, I spoil mine, but they listen…sometimes. Ok, so they listen to Faith more then me, but at least they listen to somebody. “Look…I’m not interested in you. For one, you have a penis. And two, you’re not my wife, so why don’t you just go back downstairs with your friends and leave me the hell alone?” I stop walking and give him a challenging look, but he isn’t backing down.


“Alright, I’ll back off. But if you change your mind and you want some cheering up I’m in room nineteen.” There will be no cheering up. Maybe if I told him that I’m a mom he would have backed off. That always seems to make a guy flaccid really fast. I guess I’ll jus save that for later when he hits on me again because I know he’s going to. I kinda wish I had Warren’s invisible ray gun thing. I could turn myself invisible until I feel like being seen again. The only reason I was dying was because they hit me with too big of a ray or something. So a normal dose wouldn’t hurt me. Yeah, invisible, that’s what I want to be.


I go into my room and crawl under the very soft covers and lay down on the comfortable bed. I close my eyes and let out a small sigh. I just want to go to sleep and forget about everything. I want to sleep so I don’t have to think about what’s been going on. I want to sleep so I can I stop feeling guilty about leaving. This was a good choice so I have no reason to doubt myself. Faith will take care of the kids. She has an army of help if she needs it, and I know she does because she’s been so exhausted. I wish I could help her, I really do, but I can’t. I just can’t force myself to do anything really.


Leaving is the best decision I could have made. If I stayed there I’d just get worst and I might have hurt myself or someone else. On accident, I’d never hurt anyone on purpose, but I’ve been so exhausted that I could have been changing Joseph and accidentally dropped him when I picked him up or something. And I’m so tired because I feel so boxed in. It’s hard to explain. I just feel so exhausted all the time, and no matter how much sleep I get I still feel like I’ve been up for days. So this little vacation is going to do me a lot of good. I’m away from the stress so I can sleep easy. And when I’m better I’ll go home and resume my responsibilities and then everything will be better again.


FPOV


I pull into the parking lot and slowly scan it with my eyes. I see what I’m looking for and I slowly drive over to it. I park behind the silver Toyota and shut off the engine. This is the only car in this little parking area so I’m not blocking anyone else in. I’ve gotten this far, I finally found her, and I’m not going to give her another chance to run. Willow called when I had been on the road for a little over an hour and said that Buffy had tricked us. She said she was a little suspicious of it in the first place but she didn’t want to say anything just in case she was wrong. So she did a couple of spells and finally found what B had done. Somehow she cast a spell, probably had someone else do it for her, so any locator spell that was done would show her heading east. But she was really heading west.


And now here I am, in the parking lot of a Super Motel 8, sitting in my car like a jackass. I can’t wait to see her but I have to keep myself calm. She’s probably goin through something fierce and I need to try to be understanding. I can’t just drag her back home kicking and screaming and then have her explain why she took off. I need to be calm. So why does it feel like I can’t breathe? Oh well, I’ll think about it later. I jump outta my car and run into the building and walk up to the front desk. The woman behind the counter looks like she’s about to say somethin about my parking job so I’ll start.


“The woman who owns the Corolla, blonde, about five one, name’s Buffy Summers, where is she?” She doesn’t answer me, she looks too scared. Maybe I am coming on a little too strong. Then again, maybe not. “Listen, I’ve had a really bad day, and I really need to talk to her, so where is she?” I lean towards the counter a little more and give her my best threatening look. I am going to see Buffy, even if I have to pound on every door in this place. It’s only five in the afternoon so there probably aren’t a lot of sleeping people. But you never know. I’m sure B’s exhausted after all that running away. Hell, I’m exhausted from trying to find her and taking care of our kids. I might even get a room here for tonight and head home when I get through talking with B.


“She’s upstairs, room two-thirteen.” See, I still got it. I’m a way better person then I used to be, but I can still bring on that murderous look when I need to. I am Faith, fear me. I say a little thanks and then run up the stairs and start looking for room two-thirteen. I make sure to walk nice and slow. If I walk too fast or stomp or somethin she’ll be able to hear my boots on the floor. Even thought it’s carpeted she’ll still be able to hear it. What with her slayer hearing and everything. I kinda hope she’s asleep otherwise she’ll be able to feel me coming and she might bolt.


And here it is, room two-thirteen. I can feel her, the nice little tingles that run all over my body whenever we’re near each other ‘cause we’re both slayers. But I think it’s more then that. I mean, I feel the tingles with other slayers, but they’re never this strong. Maybe they’re this strong because we’re lovers? I don’t know. I remember one day Giles was rambling on and on about something to do with our slayer sides, it sounded too much like some soul mate bullshit and I don’t really believe in that stuff. But you never know. I could be completely wrong and B could be my soul mate.


Ok, enough stalling. I need to go in there now. I lightly knock on the door but I don’t hear any movement. I grab the doorknob and slowly turn it until I hear the little snap of the lock breaking. I’ll just pay ‘em back for that. How much could one lock cost, right? I slowly open the door and it’s completely dark. I step inside and shut the door. It takes a few seconds for my eyes to adjust. She’s asleep in the bed. She’s facing me and I can see her face perfectly. She doesn’t look troubled like she did at home. She looks completely relaxed and I can’t help but smile a little bit.


I take off my boots and crawl under the covers and I’m really fuckin careful not to wake her up. I wrap my arms around her and she mumbles a little bit and moves around but she stays asleep. We haven’t touched like this in a long time because she’s been so distant. We tried having sex once since Joey was born but she wasn’t into it, and when I looked into her eyes after I rolled off her she didn’t look like herself at all. She looked empty, and I knew this wasn’t Buffy. This was just some shell of a person. I should have gotten her help right then, but I thought she would get better on her own. I guess I was wrong. Maybe I’m not as good a wife as I thought I was. I try to fight the sleep that’s taking me over but I give up the fight and let unconsciousness take me away.

------------------

I take a look around the room I’m in. I don’t recognize it at all. I know I’ve never been here before, but it somehow feels…familiar? The walls are a light off white color, like a very, very, very pale yellow. The bedspread on the full size bed is pink with little flowers all over it. The dresser and nightstands are painted white. There are pictures on the walls of flower filled meadows and stuff like that. There are some pictures on the nightstand in some really nice frames, I can’t get a good look, but from here it looks like a happy family, a mom, dad, two little girls one blonde, the other brunette. I take a look outside the window at the nice backyard. The sun is shining pretty bright and it’s streaming in here so there’s no need for any lights to be on, and they’re not.


“I was wondering when you’d show up,” I hear a voice say from behind me. I know who it is, I know the voice, plus I can feel them. I don’t hurt around to look, I just keep staring out the window as the little bird hops along the tree branch. It’s just a little baby, and it doesn’t now how to fly. I watch as it slips and falls and right before it hits the ground it disappears and it’s back up on the tree branch, hopping, and falling and starting all over again.


“Well, you know me, always gotta make an appearance.” I hear the blanket on the bed shift as she sits down. She’s uncomfortable but I’m not going anywhere. I don’t even know how I got here. She did this not me, so why should I leave. I kinda like it here. “I like this place,” I tell her and look up at the ceiling and then scan the walls, but I don’t look at her. Then my eyes fall on the picture of the family on the nightstand. “It’s homey.” I see her out of the corner of my eye. She looks down at her hands and she looks a little guilty.


“Yeah, that’s why I came here. Wasn’t really expecting company or I would have cleaned up.” I look out the window again. The little bird is about to fall, but it’ll be ok because the event keeps repeating itself and the bird never gets hurt. This is insanity, that’s where I am right now. Everything is repeating itself and expecting different results. Because it’s not just the bird that keeps disappearing and reappearing on the tree. There’s a dog in the next yard and it’s jumping up and down at the kitchen window trying to get the pie that’s cooling on the sill. He bites onto the edge of the pan and pulls and right before the steaming pie lands on his head everything starts over.


“Don’t change anything on my account.” We sit in silence for a few minutes and I can’t take my eyes off of the outside world. Everything is trying to change so there’s nothing wrong, but everything is wrong. The only safe place is here in this room. I sigh and finally let my eyes land on her form. She looks better then the last time I saw her. Refreshed, I guess. No dark circles under her eyes, no empty look, she looks powder fresh. She just looks better, like the woman I fell in love with. “So do you want to keep pussyfooting around, or get straight to the point?” She sighs and looks around the room.


“You never did like the fall down the rabbit hole,” she says and sighs again. Why is she sighing so much? And what’s with the Alice in Wonderland reference? Is she trying to make this a riddle or something? “Too impatient, it takes too long. You just want to get to the bottom and get to the good stuff.” She looks at me, and she smiles a little. It’s a real genuine smile and I haven’t seen one like that in a really long time. Not from her, at least.


“What’s going on B?” I ask and look out the window again, and everything is different. Well, it’s all still in the same in that it’s repeating itself over and over and over again like before, but the color’s all messed up. Everything has a light green tint to it, all the buildings, the ground, the fences, and every other stationary thing. The bird is a florescent pink, the dog is purple and the pie is neon yellow. So everything is the same, but it’s different at the same time. I don’t get it. “Everything is insane.” She stands up and walks over to the window. She just looks out it and I can’t see her face ‘cause her back is too me but her shoulders are a little tense so she isn’t happy anymore.


“Yeah it is. Everything is falling apart. And the Mad Hatter isn’t even here yet.” What is it with her and all these Alice in Wonderland references? I don’t get why she’s comparing everything to that stupid cartoon. None of it makes any sense anyway. “I’m still trapped in the bottle being carried off by the waves and water spilling over the side, making it hard to breathe.” I think I’m starting to understand all this crazy shit. I’d probably understand it more if I were high right now, but whatever.


“This is insanity, right? You described it before. People doing things over and over and thinking it’ll turn out different. That’s what it is to be insane?” I nod my head even though she can’t see it. She turns her head so she can look at me through the corner of her eye. “And the lights go off, and then I turned around, and I got to see her face as she was falling away, and she looked just like me.” First Alice in Wonderland, now song lyrics, what next? Is she gonna start quoting movies and T.V. shows too?


Then she looks out the window again and I do too. I take a step closer when I see somethin different. I see Buffy, but she looks different. She’s dressed in shitty clothes, her hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in months, and she’s dirty all over. She has a dirty rag in her hand and she’s wiping at her face with it, like she’s trying to clean herself or something. But nothing’s happening. This is what she was talking about when she described insanity, not the rest of the world, but herself, or that other her.


“You don’t know what it’s like,” she whispers and I barely hear her. “The suffocation fills the room and everything fades to black. The box doesn’t seem as interesting and the apples don’t look as tasty.” What the fuck is she talking about? I gotta stop having shared, slayer dreams with B, they always give me a headache. “I feel like I’m dieing but it just doesn’t happen. I’m caught in the in between and I don’t know how to get out. I started under and I’m sinking fast and there’s nothing for me to grab onto.” I walk up to her and grab her by the shoulders and turn her so she’s facing me.


“You can grab onto me, Buffy. I can save you. I can pull you out. You just have to trust me. You just have to tell me what’s going on. I can fix it. I can fix all of it. Or I can find someone who can fix it. Please, baby, please just let me help you. I can help you, and everything will be ok again.” She looks so calm about all of this and her tone from before kinda scared me. She talked about it in a way too calm for comfort voice. She gets a sad look on her face and a single tear runs down her cheek.


“You can’t make any promises. Nothing is a guarantee. I can’t go back with you. I have to stay here. I have to protect it from the dark. I have to keep the light on, because if it goes out…” she looks out the window and more tears stream down her face. “The insanity will get in.” She looks at me again and I wipe away her tears with my thumbs but it doesn’t do anything, the tears are still there, like I’m not even touching her or something, or there’s some kinda clear wrap around her. Then she looks me dead in the eyes and she softly smiles. “It’s time to wake up Faith.” And everything goes black.