The Silent Urge Series

Here is my Easter Present for you. I hope you enjoy.
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39 Doubtful Victory

~Xander ~

Angel stares at both of us, one after the other, then finally he avoids our eyes and shakes his head sadly. “I’m sorry. I can’t be what you need me to be, Spike. Not under these circumstances. I have to save people, save Xander, from bringing harm on themselves.” Angel says, apologizing to me, to Spike?

“Just go, Angel. I’m good where I am and you know it.” I say, putting as much emotion into it as I can. “Spike didn’t bring me here without reason. I can’t go back. I’m not safe anymore where I lived.” I swallow back the fear that overcomes me thinking about my home, the basement, my father... “Same goes for Spike.” I manage to add before my chin starts to wobble with repressed tears.

I feel the change in the room’s atmosphere. I feel Angel giving in and letting go. He’ll leave. But I still can’t shake off the feeling there’s something he isn’t telling us.

“I can’t. I promised to find you, promised to bring you home, safe and sound.” Ah, that’s that.

“Who? Willow? Buffy?”

“Both – all of them. Giles called and told me you disappeared and Spike couldn’t be found either. Giles seem to have an idea on what might be going on.” Angel’s voice is reasonable and warm, his eyes are the same when they try to find Spike’s, as if asking for forgiveness but my soon-to-be-mate doesn’t seem to want it. Refuses to look directly at Angel and when he does, he’s killing with each golden fleck showing in blue.

“Bloody fuck off and just lie to them, tell them you didn’t find us.” Spike hisses, accusation in his voice, icy and sharp. He pulls back and starts wandering the kitchen, movement fuelled with adrenalin and the desire to destroy.

“Xander...” Angel tries, it seems, begging me to understand. There’s something between them, something happened that I don’t get and it hurts me to see Spike so agonized over it.

I just want Angel gone, the sooner the better. He shouldn’t have come here. He could have called. Now things have been discussed, decisions have been made. There’s no reason for him to stay any longer. I can deal with the Scoobies myself. A call, a short visit will be enough to leave me alone. A lie about a job out of town, some circus maybe taking me in, they’d even believe that, find it fitting. Pfft.

“I’ll deal with them. You can leave, tell Giles something came up, you can’t help him out right now. Call him from L.A.”

“Xander... you’ve got to understand that there’s no way back. Once claimed you’re Spike’s forever and you’ll die when he dies. Not instantly, but the urge will drive you crazy, will starve you slowly, will drive you to another vampire who’ll put you out of your misery.”

“I don’t care.”

“But you damn well should!” Angel shouts right in my face. “It’s not a one-way-thing, the same goes for Spike, too! You die, he dies.”

Oh. I haven’t considered that.


~ Spike ~

And why does he care? Just bugger off and stop scaring my mate! I don’t get why that is important for him when he just refused me in every way possible?

“Spike?” Xander asks and looks at me with those puppy dog eyes he’s got perfected.

“It’s true, so what?” Can’t see why that changes a thing. “Look – it’s a forever-deal and I’m ready to make it. Might be we got into it a bit rushed and everything but I’m not going to back down or change my mind or anything.” I tell Xander and turn to address the poof. “And could you now just please piss off? You’re the one forcing this thing along with your threats to take him away from me or sell us out to Kooky and the gang.”

He stares at me but I flick him off, cover with searching for a fag and my lighter.

“Spike, boy, I-“

“Just go.”

“I-“

“You’ve lost all rights you had on me, my mate, the clan- you don’t exist anymore. Not for me.” I say and applaud myself for the calm collected way I string the words together.
Xander stares at me, eyes wide and asking a thousand questions I’ll never answer.

Inside, I’m shaking. The only safety net I’ve ever had – no matter what the circumstances – just vanished into thin air. My sire is gone, refused me, unbound me. He promised to look for a way to get the chip out and I guess, with Xander on my side, chances are nil he’ll still help me with that. I wish I could leave and get pissed and forget everything for a while. Win one thing, lose one. Unlife sucks. I can’t let Xander out of my sight as long as Angel refuses to just the fuck leave.

A hard drag from my cigarette gives me something to concentrate on. Breathe in, slowly, breathe out.


~ Xander ~

I don’t get it. I wouldn’t care if this thing that’s going on wouldn’t be so fucking huge between them. They fight, and obviously, they make up when nobody watches – at least that’s what I get from what I know now. This time, though, it seems they’ve both declared their bond to be non-existent. Can they do that? Does that work?

I thought it was a blood connection, that can’t be undone.

Is it different for a Sire and a Childe? Can the Sire refuse the Childe, can he kinda disown the Childe? Cast it out? I don’t get it. It’s not Spike who’s out. It’s Angel who threw down all his responsibilities and duties, who stepped back from the position of Spike’s Sire...

Well, I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re cast out or if your Sire retires – you’re left on your own both ways.

I’m just glad Angel’s got no rights on my ass anymore. My ass belongs to Spike alone. I mean, it’s my ass. Mine. But Spike’s the one who I might like to—

“Alright. I’ll leave.” Angel murmurs. “Take care of him, Xander. Whenever you need anything I can help with, call. And think about your decisions before you make them. It may save your life.”

I nod, somehow touched by the gentle way Angel looks at me. He stops before turning, tries to make eye contact with his Childe a last time, but Spike doesn’t even look in his direction.

I follow Angel to the door and close it softly behind him. Finally, we are alone. Finally. Finally.

Spike stares off into distance, a million miles away from the here and now. I wonder what goes on in his head, what he thinks about. He doesn’t seem to be talkative... I’ll go over to him anyway, to where he leans against the kitchen counter taking slow drags from his cigarette.

He actually jumps when I touch him, eyes wild and surprised.

“You okay?” I ask, gently holding his wrist with my fingers, thumb stroking the back of his hand.

“I’m-“ He says and breaks off, looking into my eyes intently. “You did well. I’m proud of you.”

I can feel my cheeks go red and my cock twitch which really is an uncommon combination. Spike doesn’t seem to think so, he smirks at me when I look at him from under my lashes. The hard pressure we were both under for the time Angel was around suddenly falls away, leaves me giddy and happy. We won! We’re both here, unhurt, and Angel is gone. I lift my head and smile at Spike openly.


~ Spike ~

Who could resist that smile? His eyes twinkle and he shines love from inside. I crush my fag in the ashtray on the counter before I grab his low cut pants, fingertips gliding under the leather, touching pubic hair, and pull him against me. “I’m so proud.” I tell him again. Thank you. Thank you for withstanding Angel, for not leaving me, for being on my side.

I kiss him, seek his love, his belief in me. I feel strangely hollow, there’s an unfilled place inside of me where once my Sire’s assurance was settled. I haven’t felt this... abandoned since Angelus got the soul and left us. Even then, I knew he was there, open for the Bloodline’s call.

Xander mewls inside my mouth. Desperate kitten. He attempts to take the leading role in our kiss, but I can’t give him that. I’ve got to stand up for myself, I’ve got to be enough for both of us to rely on. I grab onto his hips, hard, leaving bruises probably, and grind my cock against his. He’s hard and leaking for me already, I can feel it, smell it, even through all the layers of clothes. I let my hands roam up his back and hold onto his shoulders, then ever so slowly pull him, then push him down.

He catches on fast, gives me an unsure half-smile, but sinks down to his knees in front of me. He looks up at me, bangs in his eyes and lips parted. Yes. With unsure fingers, trembling arms, he reaches up, opens my jeans, button by button by button by button.

Finally, he frees my straining cock, touches it with hands that are scorching heat. I stroke his head, pet him. “Come on, Xander. Come on.” I barely restrain myself from harshly pulling him in – he takes so long to close the distance between his mouth and my leaking length, but ultimately it’s the anticipation that makes this so delicious. Shock of the tip of his tongue to my cock, I watch him lick the slit, lap up the clear fluid gathering there.

I’m not going to last long the way he worships me with his mouth. I grab his head, hold onto his hair when he starts to fist my cock in turn with taking it as deeply into his mouth as he’s able to. He gags and I realize for real just what it means that my chip doesn’t react on Xander anymore when I keep shoving my cock deeper into his throat. He doesn’t fight back just let’s go of my length and holds onto my hips instead. I fuck his mouth, make him gag and get off on fucking dominating him. There are tears running down his cheeks, but his eyes are complete pupil, wide from lust. Gorgeous.

Only a second away from the edge, I finally withdraw and fist my cock with my left hand while I use the right to pull his head back sharply. I come over his whole face, semen on his cheeks, his forehead, his lips, his hair...

Fucking gorgeous.

Mine.

Mine forever.

_____________tbc_____don't forget to leave me easter presents, too________________