So Damn Domestic

I am so sorry it took so long to get this up. I got a bad case of writer's block and it took me a while to get over it. That on top of my school work delayed this, and unfortunately it might take me just as long possibly longer to get out the next one. But I will try my best to get it write and posted by next week, but I can't promise anything.
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Two Days Later. FPOV


“The procedure won’t take long,” Dr. Montgomery says and looks me in the eyes and then Buffy. Today is the day our baby boy is going to be born. The doctor’s already gone over the details of the surgery at the last appointment but she wants to go over it again, just in case we’ve forgotten what’s gonna happen or whatever. “You’ll be given some pain medication that’ll numb your lower half. When we make the incision you may feel some pressure, but no pain. The surgery itself should only take a few minutes. But there are some risks because of your condition.” We know this part already. I don’t want her freakin Buffy out. She goes under the knife in forty-five minutes.


“I already know what can go wrong, we don’t need to go over that again,” B says and puts her hands over her stomach. She’s been admitted already, so she’s lying in the hospital bed in nothing more then a gown. I’m sittin next to her and I was holding onto her hand until she pulled it away to put over her stomach. “I know that it’s dangerous and I could die, he could die, worst case scenario. Or I could have my uterus taken out and be given a blood transfusion, but I really don’t want to hear about it anymore.” The doctor smiles a sad, understanding smile and nods her head yes.


“Ok, since you’re well aware of the risks we’ll just skip that part and move on to the next thing. Sewing you up is going to take the longest. It could take up to forty-five minutes, so the entire procedure should be about an hour, maybe a little longer.” She’s going to be lyin on that operating table for an hour and she won’t be able to hold our baby…she’s going to be one very bitchy woman. Thank you Dr. Montgomery, I really needed that today.


“If he’s healthy and he doesn’t need to leave the room for any reason, then Faith will be able to hold him once he’s cleaned up and you’ll be able to see him and talk to him while we close you up. You won’t be able to hold him until we’ve taken you to the recovery room. And you won’t be able to have any visitors until tomorrow so I hope you weren’t planning on having any.” We were actually. The entire scooby gang, some of the L.A. gang, the kids and my dad were going to stop by and see Buffy and the baby. But it can wait. “You’ve already been prepped.” I smile when B frowns, watching the prep was pretty funny. “So now all we have to do is wait. I need to go for now but I’ll see you in the operating room.” We say our goodbyes and the doctor leaves the room.


“When we get home,” B says and looks at me with a very serious look on her face. I can’t help but feel a little scared. “You are going to take care of all three of them and I am going to take a glorious bubble bath with no interruptions.” Yeah right, fat chance of that happening. B can’t take a bath without one of the kids buggin her. I think all she’s going to want to do is sleep. It’s going to be hard but she’ll get through it. She’s my little trooper. Just don’t tell her I said that, she’ll get pissed.


“So, what did Willow say last night on the phone?” She talked to Willow for three hours last night. I guess Red isn’t doin too well. I didn’t catch a lot of the conversation ‘cause I needed to do the chores but I guess she’s upset about somethin. Some kind of decision she needs to make or some shit like that. I’m only bringin it up because I don’t want to think about what life is going to be like once we get the baby home. B sighs and shifts around a little bit.


“She’s been trying to decide if she should bring Tara back from the dead. Apparently she made a connection with her a long time ago and Tara wants to come back but Willow doesn’t know how she’s going to deal with coming back to earth after being in a heavenly place for years. She doesn’t want her to come back wrong or have any regrets. But at the same time she wants to bring Tara back.” Wow, that’s a lot to take in at once. So Tara wants to come back and Willow still hasn’t brought her here? I get the risks but if the girl wants to come back Red should bring her back. But it’s none of my business and I’m not gonna stick my nose where it doesn’t belong.


“I don’t really know what advice to give her. When she brought me back...things were so horrible. Just being here on earth was the most painful thing I’ve ever done. It was hard, and bright, and violent and I wanted to go back. It took a long time for me to adjust and I was only there for four months. Tara’s been in heaven for years, what if it’s just too big of a shock to her system? What if she never gets used to it? How am I supposed to help Willow when I don’t even know?” She’s gettin really upset about this. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Change the subject, I think that’s best.


“Have you come up with anymore names?” I ask and she looks at me a little weird. We decided it would be best to wait until he’s born to come up with a name. She really wants it to start with a J, which I have no problem with. I just don’t want my son being named Jamie. That’s way too fuckin girly. She shakes her head no and holds onto my hand. “Well, I’m sure we’ll come up with something.” I lean forward and give her a little kiss. I look into her eyes and she smiles. She looks so happy. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her look happy. But there’s a lot to be happy about so I guess her good mood fits.


“I can’t wait to see what he looks like. I know he’s going to look funny for a few weeks, but still. And hopefully he’ll have my hair. I want at least one of our children to have my hair.” I can’t help but laugh at that. It’s not like I got two little look a likes. Addy looks more like B, she just has my hair and dimples. “It’s not funny. Those kids are going to hate their hair when they’re teenagers because it’s so damn stubborn. Half of it wants to be curly and the other half wants to be straight. I have to put Addison’s hair in a braid every night so it won’t tangle up. It’s time to face the music, Faith, you have bad hair genes.” What?


“Whatever B, you’re just jealous ‘cause I have the long, sexy, curly hair and you got stuck with that,” I point at her head and she frowns. I’m not being completely serious and she knows it. I love her hair, it’s always really soft. And the natural color isn’t so bad, I don’t know why she dyes it. I have a feelin she’s gonna stop doin that though. She hasn’t dyed it in a while and the roots are showin a lot. She’ll probably get it dyed her natural color and then just keep gettin it cut. She’s been complaining about always dying it and what a pain it is.


“Ok, everything’s ready. Faith, you’ll have to put these on before we got in,” Dr. Montgomery says and hands me a stupid smock and a pair of latex gloves. I grumble a little bit because they’re fuckin retarded looking but if it’s what I have to do to be in the room then it’s what I’m going to do. B is moved to a gurney and I walk by the side of it and hold onto her hand while we go into the room. It’s big, and very sterile looking. There are five…no…seven nurses and two other doctors in the room already. Why are there so many? Oh well, it doesn’t matter, as long as both B and the baby come out of this ok everything’ll be ok.


B squeezes my hand when they put the catheter in her back but she calms down once the medicine starts to kick in. Then she lays down on her back and two of the nurses put up a little curtain so we can’t see what’s happenin on the other side of it. I take a good look around the room and I see there’s a gallery up by the ceiling. I can see seven people looking down on us, watching. I guess this is a teaching hospital or somethin and those must be the interns.


“You might feel some pressure,” the doctor says. I guess they’re making the cut now. I look at B and sit down in the chair that was brought in. She has tears in her eyes but these are happy tears. I’ve seen these tears before, on the day everything in my life completely changed. I loved her even more that day, and not just for being her. I loved her for bringing a little life into this world, into our lives. We were scared senseless, we didn’t know what the fuck we were doing but that was after we got home. But the day he was born everything was perfect. It was like the gods took a rest and just let us be happy for once.


(flashback to nine years ago)


I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe that we’re parents. How fuckin weird is that? We have a baby, a little baby boy. That’s right everyone, Faith Lehane is a mom, and she has a son. But I didn’t do all the work so I probably shouldn’t be showin my happiness this much. B’s the one who deserves all the credit. When she was pushin him outta her…well, I think the devil learned a new torture method: childbirth. I’ve never heard B scream that loud before. She was in so much pain and there was nothin I could do about it. I tried, I really did but nothing I did helped.


I was really fuckin possessive of her, that’s for damn sure. And it wasn’t just the slayer side of me. I think it was the animal side, the alpha wolf or whatever. Doesn’t the male wolf protect the female while she has the puppies? I don’t know, I can’t remember. And are they called puppies? I mean, they’re wolves, not dogs. Anyway, I kicked most of the nurses out of the room, and Willow, and Xander and Giles and Dawn. The only ones allowed to touch B was the doctor, a nurse and me. I wouldn’t let anyone else go near her.


And then the little baby came out of her and started screamin his head off and time froze. There are a couple moments in my life where time has stood still but this is the only good one. And when I saw him for the first time I thought I was going to die because I couldn’t breathe. He looked a little weird, I’ll admit. He was covered in white fluid stuff and had blood on him. And the doctor laid him down on B’s stomach and I cut the cord and the doctor stitched up the little stub and they took him away, but only across the room. Then they wrapped him up in a blanket and handed him to me.


He was screaming and crying and his face was turnin red and a couple of tears were leakin out the corners of his eyes and his hands were balled up into little fists and he was the most beautiful creature I’ve never seen. I leaned down and gave him a little kiss on the bridge of his nose and started talkin to him and he calmed down. He looked up at me with eyes as dark as mine and then his crying stopped and time stood still again. I couldn’t look away from his eyes. They look exactly like mine and it wasn’t weird or anything like I thought it would be. And we just stared at each other for the longest time until a nurse touched my shoulder. I looked up and B was lyin in the bed with tears in her eyes. So I walked over to the bed and handed her our baby.


But that was hours ago and we’ve both gotten over the shock about the gender thing. We were so sure he was going to be girl. I mean, sure we made a baby but because of magic so we thought he was going to be a girl because neither of us has a Y chromosome or whatever it’s called. But we have a little boy. A little boy I can teach to play baseball, and ride a bike, and play football and roughhouse with. I know B had her heart set out on havin tea parties and playin dress up, but to be honest I’ve always wanted a son. A little boy I could raise up right. I never thought it was gonna happen, but it has and everything is finally perfect.


“Hey baby,” I whisper and walk back into B’s room. She’s been sleeping for a while now ‘cause the birth took a lot out of her, which is expected. She isn’t gonna feel like doin much for the next couple of days. That’s why I’m going to take care of everything until she’s well rested. She looks over at me and smiles when she sees the little bundle in my arms. I’ve been holding him for a couple of hours now.


After B held him for a while the nurse took him away to get some tests done and they fed him ‘cause Buffy was sleeping but then I asked for him and I’ve been holding him and walking around for a while. He’s asleep right now, I guess the birth takes a lot out of the babies too. The last couple of days he’s been moving around like crazy, but then he got really still and that’s when the labor kicked in. I walk over to her bed and sit down on the edge of it and hand her our boy. She cradles him in her arms and looks down at him, smiling like she’s the happiness woman in the world, and she probably is. Then I start leaving kisses on her cheek and neck.


“You are,” I whisper and kiss her cheek. “The most amazing,” I kiss her neck and she giggles. “Woman in the entire world,” I kiss her neck again and then her lips. “Have I ever told you that?” She looks into my eyes and smiles one of the most dazzling smiles I’ve ever seen.


“No you haven’t, and it’s great to hear it,” she whispers and gives me a little kiss on the lips. “You were great too. Everyone was getting too loud and crowded, even with just the nurses. Thank you so much for everything.” She has tears in her eyes and they’re starting to leak out. I kiss her again, deeper this time but we keep it short. She’s tired and really fuckin sore and I don’t want to cause her any more pain. When the kiss ends she looks down at our sleeping boy. He doesn’t have a lot of hair, just this fuzzy stuff that reminds me of a peach. “What are we going to name him? All of the names we picked out are for girls.” She’s worrying, I can’t tell by the sound of her voice. I scoot closer to her and gently stroke her hair.


“Don’t worry about it baby, we’ll think of somethin. The last name is taken care of and since you had him I think you should get to pick his middle name. We’ll just have to agree on a first one. But let’s wait ok? Lets just enjoy this.” I lay on the bed almost exactly like she is. We’ll, she’s sitting up but her legs are on the bed. So that’s what I do too. I rest my back against the soft pillows and I wrap my arm around her and hold her as she holds our baby. And we just sit here and watch him as he sleeps. His breathing is really weird. It’s normal for a while and then he spazzes out or something and it’s all erratic, and then it’s normal again. But it doesn’t matter. He’s perfect because he’s ours and there’s nothing that can ever change that.


(end flashback)


“Wow, this one’s a biggin,” one of the doctors says and it snaps me back to reality. He’s a what? I ask him what the hell that means and he explains. “A big one, he’s a big one.” Oh. Well he should have said that in the first place. I thought there was somethin wrong and my slayer instincts were startin to kick in, and trust me that woulda been bad. But I guess biggin is just what they say in the south. And I know he’s from there ‘cause his accent is pretty fuckin thick.


I stand up and try to look over the curtain so I can see but it’s too high. I feel Buffy kinda pull on my arm and I sit back down. I guess she doesn’t want me seein her guts or somethin. That would be pretty fuckin freaky to see her cut open, especially ‘cause she’s awake and not in any pain or anything. Ok, leave it up to me to make myself horribly nauseous during my kid’s birth. I still can’t believe it’s happening. He’s being born, today is the day we’ll finally get to see him and hold him and talk to him and look into his little eyes. I really have turned to mush, oh fuckin well.


“Ok, and here he comes,” Dr. Montgomery says. I look down at B and smile and she has tears in her eyes. Is she ok? Yeah, she’s ok. Those are the tears of happiness I was talkin about earlier. All is good. I need ta calm down, I’m too uptight. Probably ‘cause I’m over protective of B. I can get like that sometimes. But it’s all good ‘cause these people know what they’re doing. “Ok, we’ll just cut the cord.” I hear some metal clinkin around a few seconds later I see a nurse walk over to a table and she’s holdin him in a towel, and there’s blood and stuff on it.


“Why isn’t he crying?” B asks and she sounds pretty freaked out. “Why isn’t my baby crying?” I stroke her hair and she calms down a little but she’s still really freaked out. I’m about to run over there and take my baby from that nurse if the doctor doesn’t hurry the fuck up and tell us what’s goin on.


“It’s ok Buffy, he’s fine. It might just take a-” there’s a loud wail and B relaxes and a big smile spreads across her face. “I guess I spoke too soon. Once the nurse gets him cleaned up you can hold him Faith.” I look down at B again and she has tears rollin out the corners of her eyes. I see B’s eyes look at somethin behind me and I turn around and there standing in front of me is the nurse and she’s holding my little boy. He isn’t crying anymore but he’s breathing pretty loud. I let go of B and reach out and take my little boy away from the nurse and hold him close to me and I think I’m gonna die.


He has my nose, and B’s lips, and ten tiny little fingers and ten tiny little toes. I just counted. He has some pretty small feet but he’s got a lot of growin to do. He has rolls all over his body. The doctor was right, he is a biggin. The nurse just said he weighs nine pounds and thirteen ounces. That is pretty big. No wonder B’s stomach got so huge, she had a moose growin in there. He just yawned and it was possibly the cutest thing in the world. He’s fluttering his eyes now. He hasn’t opened them so I don’t know what color they are. Oh wait, there, now they’re open. Brown eyes, some of the darkest brown eyes I’ve ever seen. He looks up at me and he gets really still, and his breathing calms down. I smile at him and he blinks a couple of times.


“Baby, let me see him,” B says and she sounds a little irritated. I guess she was tryin to get my attention before. I sit down on the chair and hold him out for B to see. She smiles and the tears she’s been holdin back start to flood out. She reaches over to touch his little cheek and his muscles quiver. His breathing starts to spazz out but that’s normal for newborns. I remember when Mattie was first born it took five nurses and the doctor to convince me there wasn’t somethin wrong with him. But there’s nothing wrong with this little guy. He’s perfect.


“Joseph,” B says and smiles really wide. That’s the only other name she’s said. After I told her I didn’t like Jamie she sort of gave up on tryin to come up with names. At least that’s what she told me. “Joseph Charles Lehane. What do you think?” She looks up at me and I smile a little smile at her. I look down at our boy and I hold him with one hand supporting his head and shoulders and another on his little butt. I turn him so he’s facing me and I take a good look at him. Joseph, huh? Well, I won’t call him that. I’ll probably call him Joey, or Joe, or Jay or somethin like that.


“It’s perfect,” I whisper and slowly bring him up to my face and give him a little kiss on the bridge of his nose. He snorts and wiggles around and lets out a little whine. Woe, I guess he doesn’t like that. I cradle him in my arms and sit as close to the table as I can so B can see him. I can tell she can’t wait to hold him. He’s gonna be hungry here pretty quick and I know she’s going to take care of that. That’s one thing she really wants to do, at least for a while. The bond that you build when you breastfeed a baby is unbelievable but I’m sure she’s gonna switch to formula after a while.


“We got the placenta out without a problem so we’ll start stitching you up,” the doctor says but I don’t think B’s listening. She’s too busy holding onto our little boy’s tiny little hand and running her thumb over his palm and little fingers. He’s perfect. All of my babies were perfect when they were born. I can’t wait for Addy and Mattie to see this. They’re gonna be so excited. But that has to wait until tomorrow, which I’m a little happy about ‘cause I want my time with him. B’s gonna hold him until she falls asleep and then it’s my turn to have him all to myself. A little selfish but I don’t care.


BPOV


“Don’t worry Mrs. Lehane, another nurse will bring your baby in as soon as his tests are done,” a nurse tells me and helps me get settled into my room. Surgery ended about ten minutes ago and there was a long wait on the elevator. Joseph had to go to the nursery and he has to get all of the normal newborn testing done and then I get him back. And that’s a good thing, that’s a great thing but…I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’m having some conflicting emotions and I can’t talk to anyone about it. Faith won’t understand because I’m pretty sure she didn’t go through this with Addison, and I don’t want to talk to a doctor about it because Faith will bother me to tell her and I don’t want to freak her out.


When I looked at him for the first time I started crying I was so happy. He’s the most perfect little baby in the whole world, just like his brother and sister were. And he has the darkest little eyes I’ve ever seen. And he has Faith’s nose, but so do the others. And he has my lips, and a tiny little bit of the peach fuzzy hair on top of his head but that’ll probably fall out soon. Matthew’s fell out after a few weeks and then his dark hair grew in. I hope this baby has my hair color. I don’t know why, I just do.


I don’t really understand much about genetics but I think Joseph will look more like Faith because she’s the ‘father’. But I don’t know. I look more like my mom then I do my father. Ok, I’m going to stop thinking about it because I’ll get a headache. And I know I said I wanted four children, but I’m pretty sure we’re done now. It’s not just because of the complication, and the high possibility of it happening if I get pregnant again because Faith could always carry the next one. It’s just, I don’t think we’ll be able to afford another baby. I’ll have to have a serious talk with Faith about it, but I think three is enough. I’m pretty sure she thought two was enough.


“You are,” Faith says and sits down next to me. I smile and hold onto her hand. I know exactly what she’s going to say because she said it after I had Matthew. “The most amazing,” she says and leans in and kisses me. Her lips are so soft and she’s being so gentle. I want her to cuddle up next to me but she can’t because these stitches actually kinda hurt. Well, more then kinda. Then she pulls back and looks into my eyes and I smile a little and feel the tears building up. “Woman in the entire world.” She kisses me again and she gently runs the tip of her tongue along my bottom lip. I open my mouth and tease the very tip of her tongue with mine but then I pull away before she can respond. “Have I ever told you that?” I smile and cup her cheek with my hand.


“Yeah you have, but it’s great to hear it.” So mine’s a little different, who cares? She doesn’t because she smiles really wide and gives me another kiss. She scoots closer to me on the bed and gently cups my face with her hand. I can feel the other one gently caressing my arm. I guess it’s instinct for her or maybe she just forgot but she cups my breast and I pull back from the kiss and wince. It hurts. It hurts so bad and I can’t stop the tears from falling because that hurt. I hate that I can’t even go to second base with my wife. What kind of shit is that?


“Shit, B, I’m sorry. I forgot. No, no, no baby, don’t cry. Please.” She sounds so desperate and I know she didn’t mean to do it but my breasts are just so sensitive and sore right now that even a gentle touch like the one she just did is really painful. I bite back my tears and tries to comfort me but it’s not working. “Baby, shhh, don’t cry ok?” She hates it when I cry. We’ve never left the ‘when you hurt I hurt’ stage of the relationship. She lies down on the bed next to me and wraps her arm around me and gently caresses my back.


“I know you didn’t mean it,” I tell her around a big sob. She’s holding her breath so she’s fighting back tears too. Way to go Buffy, this is supposed to be a happy day, not a mopey one. And you’re dragging Faith down with you. Way to fuckin go. “I’m sorry, I’m just too sensitive right now to be touched there.” She nods her head and I lean against her. I feel better now that she has her arms around me and I can feel her body heat. It’s always brought me comfort in the past. And at night when I’m sleeping. I love it when she holds me but it doesn’t really matter. As long as I can feel her in some way, whether it’s her holding me, me holding her or our backs pressed together. As long as I can feel her I fall asleep happy.


“Ok, moms, I have your little boy for you,” a nurse says and wheels the plastic basinet thingy into the room. I can hear him crying but it sounds so strange to me. It sounds...hollow, and fake, and instead of wanting to make it stop by helping him I just want it to go away. God, what is the matter with me? A mother shouldn’t feel like this about her child. I’m not supposed to want him to go away. I’m supposed to want to help him, to hold him, to feed him, but I don’t. What is wrong with me?


I watch Faith get off the bed and pick him up. Her smile has never looked so beautiful and she looks so happy. I don’t understand why I can’t feel like that. I did after Matthew and Addison was born. Maybe I’m over analyzing this. Maybe I’m just tired. It’s probably because I’ve been so stressed. Bed rest drove me crazy, my body is tired of bed rest so the last thing it wants is to stay in bed, even if it’s to feed my son. The nurse leaves and Faith sits down next to me. Joseph isn’t crying anymore, I guess he just needed to be picked up.


“Look at him, B,” she whispers and looks into my eyes and then at our little boy. She has tears welling up in hers, but they’re happy tears. They’re the same kind of tears she got when our other kids were born. “We did this. We made this little thing. He’s all ours, and he’s beautiful.” She leans down and gives him a kiss on the bridge of his nose. He wiggles around and whines a little bit and now he’s crying. Way to go Faith. She smiles again and looks over at me and then down at him. I haven’t seen her smile like this since Matthew was born.


“I guess someone’s hungry. He hasn’t had anything to eat yet.” My body tenses up but I don’t know why. Faith notices and her eyebrows furrow a little bit. I’ve always planned on breastfeeding him for the first six weeks. I breastfed Matthew and I thought it was great. I’m not going to lie, it hurt like hell, but the bond you get with your baby when you breastfeed them is unbelievable, and I can’t even describe it. So why is the thought of breastfeeding this little baby, my little baby, making my stomach turn? And it’s not just my stomach that’s acting up but my entire body is tense, the muscles in my arms are starting to twitch. Why don’t I want to do it? What the fuck is the matter with me?


“Maybe we should just get a bottle from a nurse. I can’t cradle him because of the stitches, so how am I supposed to feed him?” She looks at me like I’m on crack or something because I was talking so damn fast. And the nurse already showed me how I’d have to feed him. She said I’ll have it lay on my side and Faith can help prop him up on his side and he can eat that way. I know this, Faith knows this, but for some reason I don’t want to. I just don’t want to.


“You lie on your side, B. That’s how you feed him.” She just stares at me for a minute or two. Joseph’s wails are starting to take over the room and it’s starting to drive me a little crazy. “If you’re too tired to do it just say so and I’ll get a bottle, but Buffy, don’t lie to me, alright?” I can’t help but feel like a chastised kid or something. I just nod my head and she gets up and walks out of the room. I can hear his cries as she walks down the hall. They get quieter and quieter the farther she goes. It sounds a little weird actually. Mostly because I don’t feel my maternal instincts kicking in, telling me to run down there and get my baby because he’s crying.


Great, so I’m not only a horrible mother, but now I’m a horrible wife. I never lie to Faith, I may not tell her everything, but I don’t outright lie to her like I just did. I knew that I’m supposed to lie on my side, but I acted like I had no fucking clue. Why am I acting this way? It’s gotta be this place. I hate hospitals. Once we get home everything will be better. I’ll want to take care of my baby, I’ll be overjoyed that he’s in my life now, and I’ll be a better wife. Yep, all I have to do is go home. But that’s not going to be for four or five days. It all depends on how fast my stomach heals. Luckily I’m a slayer, or hopefully I get out of here in three.


I’m starting to feel panicked, like I want to run away from here. It has to be this place. But deep down I know it isn’t this hospital. I wasn’t like this with Matthew, so why would I be like this now? Is it the thought of raising another child? Parenthood is great, and I love it and I wouldn’t take it back for the world, but it’s also exhausting, and frustrating, and at times even a little boring. So maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m just dreading the weeks to come. Maybe my subconscious is freaking out because I’m not going to sleep more then two hours at a time. I’m not used to having a lot of freedom but this is going to kill what little freedom I do have. Maybe that’s why I’m freaking out. I don’t know, and it’s going to drive me insane.


Maybe I should talk to my doctor about this. I mean, this could be a side effect from some of the drugs they gave me. They didn’t just stitch me up like she said. They had to detach my placenta then give me something to make my uterus contract for whatever reason, I can’t remember, and after all of that then they stitched me up. I’ve been given a lot of drugs, to numb the pain, then to make my uterus contract, and I’m on more now. More pain killers because of the surgery and also an IV so I don’t get dehydrated. Maybe all of this stuff is making me feel this way. I’m sure as soon as I get home and the medicine completely leaves my system I’ll get better. It’ll just take a couple of days, so there’s no need to panic. I don’t know why I was starting to panic but now I’m calm. Hopefully it’ll stay that way.


FPOV


“Mama, show him my room now,” Addy whines and pulls on my shirt. We just got home from the hospital a couple hours ago. Joey’s been sleepin since the car ride but he woke up about fifteen minutes ago and he isn’t hungry or anything so I’m givin him the grand tour. B’s home too, but she’s layin down. You’d think after all that bed rest she’d want to be up and walking around but her stomach still hurts. She’s all embarrassed by it and shit ‘cause I have to act like a crutch when she walks or she might loose her balance. But I’m more then happy to do it ‘cause she’s my baby and she needs me.


She’s been actin so fuckin weird though. She doesn’t want anything to do with Joey, she doesn’t want to hold him or feed him or talk to him, and when she looks at him it’s like she’s looking through him. He might as well not even be there. I don’t understand it, she wasn’t like this with Mattie. She never wanted to put him down, so why is she acting like this? I talked to her doctor about it and the doc thinks it could be postpartum depression. So I’m supposed to keep a really close eye on B and make sure she doesn’t get any worst or do something that could hurt one of us or herself.


I really hope it isn’t postpartum depression ‘cause then they’ll put her on a bunch of drugs or somethin and she’ll be completely out of it. Whatever is goin on I’m sure it’ll pass in the next couple of days. Her body just needs to get over this trauma and then she’ll be back to...well she won’t be normal ‘cause we’ll both be sleep deprived, but she won’t be so...distant. It’s not just that she doesn’t want anything to do with Joey, she doesn’t want anything to do with anyone. She’ll talk to me but her voice sounds strained, like she’s forcing the words out or somethin. But it’ll go away soon. Now that she’s home everything will get better.


With the help of Addy I give Joey the tour of the house. I can’t believe how much she’s enjoying this. But that is gonna change so soon, I just know it. Mattie didn’t get too jealous but he was older when I had Addy. I don’t know if it’s gonna happen or not but Addy’s probably gonna start acting out, and wanting our full attention when we’re tryin to take care of little Joey here. But I’m hopin it won’t ‘cause that’s just one more thing I really don’t wanna deal with. And with the sleep deprivation, and a cryin baby, and a toddler actin out I might lose my temper and snap at her or somethin and I don’t want my little girl afraid of me.


“Mama I think he’s hungry,” Addy says when Joey starts cryin. I was wondering when that was gonna happen. He had some breakfast before we left the hospital but nothing since then. I smile at her and I walk into my bedroom with her at my heels. I hope isn’t sleepin ‘cause she might get a little testy if I wake her up. And I don’t wanna make her weird mood even worst. But she isn’t sleeping. She’s laying down but she isn’t asleep. She’s on her side, facing the room, and her eyes are open. She has some tears in them but they aren’t falling. She’s probably still in a lot of pain. She doesn’t wanna take the painkillers ‘cause they make her feel too vulnerable, at least that’s what she said in the car.


“Baby, our boy is gettin hungry,” I say in a very lighthearted tone and sit down on the bed. He’s cryin really fuckin loud but I don’t need to yell ‘cause of our slayer hearing. She looks into my eyes and I get a chill down my spine and in a very bad way. Her eyes look so…empty. I’ve never seen her like this before, ever. It’s like, Buffy is gone and she left this shell of a person behind. But she’ll get better. She just needs to recover from the surgery and the hormones and stuff. I see her throat constrict as she swallows and she clears her throat a little.


“Can’t you make him a bottle?” What? I know she doesn’t want to hold him or anything but I thought she’d at least feed him when he’s hungry. I rock him a little bit but nothing’s working because he’s hungry and he isn’t gonna stop crying until he has a nipple in his mouth. I scoot a little closer to her and she tenses up. Maybe I should have had the doctor talk to her. The doctor told me B would be a little off right now ‘cause of the hormones and shit, but that’s old news, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe this is worst then the normal after birth craziness.


“No I can’t, B. You said you were gonna breastfeed until all the colostrum or whatever it’s called, is all gone ‘cause that stuff is good for him. We did it with the others, why don’t you want to do it now?” I shouldn’t be getting pissed but I can’t help it. She’s denying our baby food and his cryin is startin to get to me. This is what I was talkin about earlier, about me snappin. I didn’t snap at B, but I didn’t sound too understanding either. I got a temper and sometimes it’s hard to control. That’s one of the main reasons why I’m so fuckin scared of bein a mom. Even now, after doin this for ten years, I’m afraid I’m gonna fuck ‘em up, and I don’t wanna do that.


“Fine,” she says and sits up. She sounds really pissed. I wanna know what’s goin on inside that mind of hers, ‘cause I don’t understand why she’s actin like this. She takes off her shirt and bra and throws ‘em to the floor. She’s actin more like a spoiled kid then a mom right now. I almost don’t wanna hand Joey over but I know B won’t hurt him no matter how pissed she gets. I scoot over until I’m sittin right next to her and I gently hand her our boy. He’s a big one all right. Almost ten frickin pounds. She woulda ripped so much if she had him naturally. I’m a little glad that she had a c-section otherwise she’d be in so much fuckin pain.


She holds him up to her but he’s havin a little trouble clampin on. So I reach over and help him out a little and B just glares at me. Seriously what the fuck is the matter with her? I know this is gonna be hard on both of us, her especially ‘cause she’s the one who was cut open, but does she have to be so mean about it? Ok, Faith, just calm the fuck down. This could be postpartum depression or whatever. She’ll be acting nothing like Buffy if she has that. Maybe I should call her doctor and talk to her about it. Now she’s startin to cry. Breastfeeding hurts like hell, she cried a little at the hospital too.


“Shh, baby,” I whisper and scoot closer to her. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and give her temple a little kiss. “I know it hurts, baby, but this is good for him. He needs all the stuff he’s getting.” I always use better grammar when I’m comforting her, ever notice that? I’m watching her out of the corner of my eye and I can see that she isn’t looking at him. She’s just staring straight ahead. I know this isn’t normal, at least not for Buffy. When she fed Matthew she never took her eyes off him. Maybe I should stop comparing the two? We’re both different now so the experience isn’t gonna be the same so maybe this isn’t as unusual as I’m makin it out to be.


“Mama,” fuck that scared me. I forgot she was here. I look over at Addy and she looks a little freaked out. She’s never seen B act like this before. Hell, I’ve never seen B act like this before. Addy sounds a little scared, like she’s afraid one of us is gonna get really pissed at her. Wanna guess which one of us I’m talkin about? “Why is Mommy sad?” I wish I knew, toots, I wish I knew. But I don’t and it’s gonna drive me fuckin insane if I don’t find out. Call it a slayer’s curiosity or whatever, but if I don’t find out what’s buggin B I’m not gonna be able to sleep ‘cause I’ll just keep myself awake by thinkin about it even if I don’t wanna think about it.


“I’m not sad Addison, I’m just tired,” B says and luckily there isn’t any harshness to her voice. I didn’t say anything when she snapped at me but I know I wouldn’t’ve kept my mouth shut if she snapped at Addy. I’m protective of my kids, so what? I can tell that Addy isn’t convinced. For one thing B isn’t even lookin at her, she’s just starin straight ahead, with an empty look on her face. She winces a little bit, I guess Joey bit down a little harder or somethin. “I didn’t get a lot of sleep at the hospital, and I’m just really, really tired.” She got a lot of sleep at the hospital, but I know she didn’t rest. I was with her at the hospital most of the time and her sleep was troubled.


Addy crawls into my lap and I wrap my arm around her. She watches Joey feed from B and her eyebrows are furrowed the entire time. I guess it’s still weird for her. When she saw it at the hospital she asked about a million questions in less then five minutes. I answered ‘em the best I could but she’s three so the questions are never ending. She’s quiet though, and it’s kinda weird. I smile a little when Joey starts whining. I guess he’s done with his meal. Buffy pulls him away from her breast and uses his blanket to wipe some milk off his mouth. She hands him back to me and puts her shirt back on and lays down.


“You don’t wanna hold him?” I ask and she shakes her head no and pulls the covers up all the way to her neck. She doesn’t say anything to me, she doesn’t even look at me, she’s just starin up at the ceiling. This is starting to freak me out. She doesn’t want to hold him, she never wanted to put down Mattie or Addy, but she doesn’t want to hold Joey? I don’t get it. I just don’t understand what’s goin on inside her mind and I know she isn’t gonna talk about it. I don’t know how I know, I just do.


I tell Addy to get off my lap and I put Joey in his basinet since he fell asleep. I ask B if she wants me to lay down with her and she says no. I ask her if she wants anything to eat or drink and she says no. Then she says that she just wants to be alone. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why she’s being so distant. So I lean down and give her a little kiss on the lips and she doesn’t respond to it. I give her a weak smile that she doesn’t return and I hold onto Addy’s hand and leave the room.


I feel selfish for feeling rejected but I can’t help it. She doesn’t want anything to do with me. I know I already said I should stop comparing experiences but after she had Mattie she wanted me to hold her all the time. She never wanted to leave my arms and now she doesn’t even want me to take a nap with her. She likes me to do that with her all the time, so why not now? This is gonna bug the hell outta me, but I have to give her her space. She might panic if I start buggin her, feel like I’m backin her into a corner or something, and that’s one thing you never wanna do to B ‘cause she’ll defend herself, then bolt. I feel so lost, I hate feelin this way. Maybe I should talk to somebody, or maybe I should just give her a while, ya know, wait and see if this all just blows over.


BPOV


I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t figure it out, and I’ve gone over this and over this in my head. For hours at a time I’ve laid here in my bed just thinking. I can’t seem to do anything else. People come in and talk to me, see how I’m doing, and I want to say something back but I can’t. All I can do is lay here and watch them sit next to me. And it’s not just with Willow, Dawn, Xander, Giles, Cordelia, Kennedy and all of the neighbors that have stopped by. It’s with Faith, Matthew and Addison too. They come in to see me, they ask me how I’m doing and all I do is just look at them and then stare at the wall. Even making eye contact hurts.


But that’s nothing compared to what I feel when Joseph is awake. When he’s sleeping I’m fine because then I get to sleep. But when he wakes up he cries because he’s hungry or he needs to be changed. Hearing him cry does nothing to me. No, I take that back. I makes me feel...guilty because I don’t feel anything. I feel guilty because when you’re baby cries you’re supposed to want to feed him and change him to make him stop. You’re supposed to want to comfort him, and hold him, and talk to him, or even just look at him. I hear him cry and I feel guilty because I don’t want to comfort him. Sometimes I don’t even hear him crying. Faith will run in the room and be mad at me because the baby’s been crying for five minutes or something like that.


I can’t force myself to do any of those things. Faith bought me a breast pump because I can’t force myself to feed him, and there was a chance of him getting sick, a chance of him starving. The pump isn’t so bad. It hurts just as much as his mouth and this way Faith can feed him instead of waking me up. And I feel so guilty about that because she’s supposed to be in school right now, but she’s taking care of our son. She’s giving him a bath, and I’m lying in bed. I can hear her soft laughter, probably because of the weird faces he’s making. Most babies make weird faces on their first bath. It’s his first bath and I don’t want to see it, or be the one to give it to him. I’m a horrible mother. And I’m a horrible wife.


I hear a light knock on the door and roll over on my other side to see who it is. I try to smile because that’s what you’re supposed to do when your father in law comes over to see you but I can’t force myself to do it. I look into his eyes and he lets out a loud sigh and he looks a little sad. I look away from him and stare at the wall. I do that a lot because of the way they react when I look into their eyes. They get sad, just like Chris did. Willow almost cried. I don’t get it, why are they getting sad when they look into my eyes? I’ve heard them talking about me when they think I’m asleep. I didn’t really pay attention to any of it, but I thought I heard something about a spark being gone.


“Faith needs a break so I’m gonna take care of the little one for a while.” He walks into the room and gets closer and closer to me with every step. I’m not looking at him but I can feel his presence getting closer to me. Then I feel the bed sink down a little and now he’s sitting next to me. I can feel his eyes on my back and he sighs. This isn’t weird or anything. I’m not worried that he’s going to try anything. He’s just being a dad, even though he’s not mine. We’ve gotten pretty close since he moved here. He took care of me during the pregnancy and now he’s going to take care of my baby because I can’t, and Faith is getting so exhausted. She doesn’t wake up as quickly as she used to when Joseph cries.


“She can’t do this by herself. She needs you. She feels lost, and abandoned. She hasn’t said anything but I can tell. You need to get yourself some help, because this isn’t healthy for either of you.” I feel him stroking my dirty, greasy hair. I haven’t showered in a couple days. I don’t want to leave this bed. All I want to do is sleep. I just want to block everything out and lay here in self-pity. I can’t bring myself to do anything else. I’m the world’s greatest slayer, I’m an attractive, smart woman, I could have been anything, I could have done anything with my life, but I’ve been reduced to this.


I’ve spent my entire life taking care of other people. I’m thirty-five years old, I’m not even a college graduate. I put my life on hold when Mom got sick and I never got it started up again. I worked in a fast food place when I was brought back, I was depressed and I hated living, and even when things got better they still sucked. I only got that job as a school counselor because Robin wanted a slayer on the hellmouth. Then after Sunnydale was destroyed we moved North and settled for a while.


We got the school up and running but then I went back to California and me and Faith started dating, but I always thought I would go back to school, travel the world, get a decent job, be more then just a slayer. But then I got pregnant and I put my life on hold. My entire existence has been about other people. And I was fine with it. But I’m thirty-five and I haven’t traveled, I haven’t gone back to school, I don’t have a decent job, and I have no one to blame but myself because I let it happen.


I could have gone back to school when Matthew was a baby. Faith would have understood and would have been totally supportive. We didn’t do anything but stay home and take care of him. We took care of our son, and we slayed, that’s about it. We took a couple trips to Ohio to make sure that the school was still doing ok, and we went out occasionally but the main focus of our lives has been our children. And I was ok with it for a while. In my mind I had the perfect family, the perfect lover, the perfect life, but I don’t think that anymore. I want to be more then just a mom and a wife. I want to do something more with my life.


I feel so horrible that I’m feeling this way. I just had a baby my main focus should be taking care of him because he needs me. I shouldn’t be making Faith do all the work, I should be up right now bathing him with her and then feeding him afterwards and then rocking him to sleep. But instead I’m here, in bed, feeling guilty because I don’t feel anything at all. That doesn’t make any sense. None of this makes sense anymore. I just need to think, I can’t do that here. Not with all the guilt, and the responsibility, and the overwhelming sense of loss. I don’t even know why I’m feeling the last one. Maybe I’m mourning the life I could of had? I think that’s it. That’s what I’m doing.


I need to clear my head, even if it’s just for a couple of days. I need to think thing through. Away from the stress, and guilt and all of that other stuff that I just talked about. Somewhere where I can breathe easy and take my time thinking without everyone breathing down my neck to get better. I feel like everyone is rushing me to feel things that I can’t force myself to feel. It’s like there’s only one door ahead of me and I’m being forced through it. I feel like I can’t breathe, like I’m being boxed in and the walls just keep getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And the walls have spikes on them which gives me even less room as they continue to move towards me.


Even though Chris is the only one to actually say it I know everyone else is thinking it. I know Faith is because she’s exhausted and can’t do this by herself. I know Willow is thinking it because when she looks at me she’s sad but also a little disappointed. Dawn always gives me these ‘what is the matter with you?’ looks but she never says it out loud. Everyone is too polite to actually ask what the hell is going on inside my head. And it wouldn’t matter if they asked or not because I know I wouldn’t be able to force myself to say a word to them.


Out of everyone Addison is taking it the hardest because she’s young and she doesn’t understand. She thinks I’m mad at her or something. I tried as hard as I could to say something. I thought of something to say, took in a breath, opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. It’s like my vocal cords have been cut or something and I can’t produce any sound. Matthew is taking it a lot better then I expected. I guess he just knows that something’s wrong and it has nothing to do with him. He comes in here everyday and watches T.V. with me. Well, he watches T.V. and holds my hand and leans against me, but I just zone out.


Faith knows that I’m feeling better physically. I’ve recovered from the surgery and everything is healed and I guess she expected me to be excited about that because of that long pelvic rest. She said she bought a couple more toys, a bigger strap on and a vibrator but I wasn’t interested. We tried making love once about a week ago, I might as well have been miles away because mentally I just wasn’t there. I didn’t get turned on by the way she was touching me and talking to me, and she knew by the way I was touching her that I was distracted. She’s the one that ended it after about twenty minutes of trying. She looked into my eyes when she rolled off of me and her eyes welled up with tears and she slipped on one of her oversized t-shirts and left the room. I think she cried but I’m not sure.


I know what I need to do. How I’m going to ‘get better’. I just don’t know exactly how I’m going to do it. There are just so many things to consider but I know deep down that this is the way it has to be. Because if I don’t do this I may just spend the rest of my life in this bed second guessing everything I’ve ever done. I’ll drive everyone away, I’ll lose my family, my children, my wife, everything I value. It’ll be hard for them but they’ll be ok, I just know they will. And when I get everything sorted out things will be ok again, we can be a real family again instead of me just laying here feeling boxed in.


They’re not going to understand and I don’t expect them to. They’re going to be pissed and upset but I can’t think about that right now. I can’t think about it because I can’t force myself to care and that’s making me feel guiltier then before. Not only are my maternal instincts nonexistent but so is my compassion, and sympathy, and ability to comfort and love.


I don’t care that they’re going to be pissed, or sad, or upset. I don’t care that my babies are going to cry. I don’t care that they’re not going to understand and they’re probably going to think it was something they did. I don’t care that Faith is going to suffer because of this. I just can’t force myself to care and that’s why I have to leave. I have to leave so I can care again. It probably doesn’t make sense to you, but this isn’t about you and your understanding of it. I just need to get better and then things will be good again. But I can’t do that here. That’s why I need to leave. To go some place far away from here where they can’t find me. I need to because I think I’m going insane.