Lost Memories

“When I released all the potentials, gave them the power that is their birth right, I changed. I felt it then, a surge of power and magic like I’d never even dreamed. And - and, it was just so, amazing. I was overwhelmed. I knew I couldn’t expect it to last, it was just too much, too good. I knew I didn’t deserve it, couldn’t deserve something so great, so I waited for it to dissipate, for the Goddess to realize that. But, it never did, she never did. Or, maybe she’s testing me, I don’t know, but a whole year it’s been like this, and it’s just so, so………….” She was in full babble mode now, and he’d missed this, but he had a mission. Get her to spill her guts, figuratively speaking, of course, and get her in the sack, it had been entirely too long.

“Red, luv, you know I think it’s cute when you babble til you’re blue, but could we please get to the point? There will be plenty of time for this after the shagging, yeah?” He grinned and mixed a tiny bit of his little boy pout in, just for good measure.

“Sorry, it’s just that this is kind of important, but I’m scared to death to tell you. No one else understands and Goddess knows if I told Angel he really would go all evil-tear my head off on me,” She backed away from him and looked seriously into his eyes, “Come to think of it, you may too.”

She was scared, but not of what he might do to her physically. If he turned her away, if he didn’t want her anymore, it just might break her. She couldn’t handle that, but she knew she had to tell him, they’d had enough secrets and lies between them to last his ridiculously long lifetime and then some.

“Out with it Willow, or I’m going to start doing some tearing and I can’t promise your clothes will come out of it intact.” She steeled herself against his anger and possible rejection, and forged ahead.

“I can move through time. The past, the present, the future? It means nothing to me now. I’m here simply because I wish to continue the journey I started, continue the path my Goddess has laid out for me.”

He stared at her in open disbelief for a fraction of a second, then quickly reclaimed control of his facial expressions and reactions. All time at her disposal, the bloody world at her fingertips, and she was here? With him? That was it, he had to have been some kind of saint in a past life to get this lucky. This fiery pixie, this red haired goddess, this beautiful woman who could bend time and place at her will, wanted to be here with him.

“That it then?” He didn’t even look mad. He’d looked shocked for a minute, but now he just looked slightly confused and more than a little pleased. He didn’t get it, didn’t understand what this meant for Angel and himself.

“Spike, don’t you see? I could change it. I could go back and change not only Fred’s fate, but the fates of everyone involved. I could save your friends, could change the way everything happened. I’m telling you that I have the ability to do that, but I’m also telling you that I won’t.” Now she sat on the edge of the bed and covered her face with her hands, unwilling to meet his accusing eyes and impending angry outburst.

“Oh no you don’t.” He easily lifted her into a standing position and pulled her hands from her face. “I’ve waited too bloody long for this, missed you too much for you to hide from me now. ‘Sides, you never let me off that easy.”

She blushed a little at his reference to their first night together and he was happy to see that he could still have that affect on her.

“So, you could change it. Big soddin’ deal. We both now how buggered up things can get when you go messin’ with destiny like that, right? Might be able to change it, but who says it would be for the better? We can’t know that. More ‘n likely things would end up a right sight worse than they are now.”

Now she was the one with her eyes bugging out and her jaw hitting the floor. He understood? Not only did he understand, but he trusted her judgment. If it was possible, she fell in love with him just a little bit more.

“You’re really not mad at me? Don’t think I’m being selfish? I mean, I refuse to do it because of the impact it could have on not just L.A., but the entire world as we know it. But really Spike, I’m glad that I have that excuse to fall back on, because it scares the hell out of me to think that you might be lost instead of one of them. I can’t lose you, not now, not when I’ve only just found you again.” She placed her small, warm hand on his cheek and he saw the terror in her eyes at the idea that he might perish.

“Not going anywhere, sweet. Not mad at you either, can I show you just how not mad at you I am now?” He almost said please, but wasn’t it bad enough that he was pretty much begging to begin with?

“Not yet, there’s one more thing you’ve got to know, just one more thing I’ve got to tell you, then we can make with the - ‘shagging’ - if you still want.” now he could smell the fear on her, pouring out in waves, battering against him and it just made him sad. He didn’t want her to be scared of him anymore, he wanted her to lo-

“I love you.”

He stood still as a statue, not looking at her, staring at the wall just behind her head. His jaw was clinched and he looked as if he was getting ready to storm out of the room or maybe just toss her out. She'd known this would happen.

“Come again, Red? Think I heard you wrong.” She couldn’t, there was no way he’d just heard those coveted words come from her. There was no way this woman loved him, he wasn't worthy of her admiration or her devotion. But, couldn't he please, just this once, have something this wonderful?