Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me

Xander waited nervously in the shadows near Willow's house. Somewhere, in yelling distance, Spike was waiting. Watching to make sure Xander didn't get eaten by anyone but still trying to give him privacy. And Xander was beginning to feel like he'd been run over by a truck. Repeatedly.

He’d survived Giles and his magical Disappointed Glare of Doom(TM), but just barely. Giles had said he was being way too trusting and naive and that Spike was just using him. Xander pointed out that if that was a fact he would have invited Spike into everyone's homes over a month ago and they'd all be dead. Then came the Giles sputter and the conversation about whether Xander was safe living with Spike and why didn't he move in with Giles?

Xander had passed, pointing out that he was now able to touch things and see crap behind his eyes and now he was afraid of Giles's couch. That got Giles to pretty much shut up and promise to have some books ready at noon tomorrow to help him deal with his new powers. The one concession Xander had made was that Giles wanted to see him at least once every two days out in the sunlight, and he could handle that. As it was, Xander was feeling pretty darn lucky Giles didn't demand he strip naked while the older man looked for bite marks because that would have been too creepy for words.

Buffy had left, angry but quiet, without really talking to him. It had been suggested that she tell her Mother the truth and there had been another big discussion, one where he just sort of pointed out how guilty Buffy would feel if she went home and found a note from her Mom saying that that “nice Angel boy” was looking for her. He hated to say it and had felt really guilty, but it was the truth. Angelus would get to them all through their families, given the chance.

So that left the big discussion with Willow, which was so not going to be fun. Willow, with her big eyes looking at him like he'd killed her puppy. It was even worse than when he'd stolen her Barbie when they were kids, and in a way he could understand that but in a way he didn't. After all, he had told her most of the truth, and had even told her he was afraid she wouldn't understand so he was keeping his mouth shut about certain things.

That was the most truth that anyone had got out of him about Spike but still Willow had looked at him like he was an ax murderer or something. Which, in a way, maybe he was. Or married to one. Almost married.

Xander leaned against the wall of the house and seriously considered if Willow's parents would wake up if he started banging his head against it. Because it was an obvious sign that the crazy was creeping up on him when part of his brain was wondering about Spike killing people and the other half wondered: if they were almost married already, shouldn't they go all the way, if only to get to eat the big cake?

Thank god Oz's van pulled up, otherwise he would have imagined himself in some cheesy, comedy-horror movie like I Was A Teenage Bride Of A Vampire or something.

The only reason he was here before Willow was because she'd stopped off to talk to Buffy and make sure she was okay. There had probably been a few tears, some sort of chocolate would be involved and much swearing at the Xan-man.

Still, if he was given the chance he didn't think he'd change any of it, not really. He loved Spike too much to wish they had never met. Well, he would have staked Deadboy before the whole Angelus crap came up, but, yeah, everything else he'd keep. Which meant that now he had to pay the piper and talk to his almost sister, who was pissed as hell at him. Joy.

Xander rolled his eyes as he watched Willow get out of the van to walk to her door. Yeah, he could get that her parents would freak at the new boyfriend type but, still, if he had been a vampire he had plenty of opportunity to jump out of the shadows and kill her during the long walk up her driveway, once Oz's weird looking van pulled away. And this was after the whole lecture on how Angelus would love to torture them.

He had a quick thought about how Spike was right, that some people were so stupid they needed to be taken out of the shallow end of the gene pool, but then he felt guilty because this was Willow and she was probably preoccupied, since he had hurt her.

Instead he stepped out of the darkness, making a lot of noise so as not to scare her. “Hey, Wills.”

“Xander.”

Then came the longest, most uncomfortable silence of his life, and it was really weird considering that, between the two of them, he and Willow could out-talk anyone. He gave in to the urge to rock back and forth on his feet and then finally looked up at his oldest friend. “Wills--”

“No! No, it's not okay. It might not be okay for a while. You lied, Xander.”

“No, not really. I just told you the truth...from a certain point of view.”

Willow made a huffing noise. “Darn it, Xander, this is not Return of the Jedi!! This is real life and real feelings and it's not okay that you're dating one of the evil undead. He has no soul!”

Xander couldn't help but get mad and defensive over that. “So?! He's not out plotting to kill everyone in town either. A soul doesn't mean crap. Angel never did more than follow Buffy around like a lost puppy; he never actively went out on patrol or anything, and Spike has! Okay, yeah, it was with me, but he's taught me how to fight and he killed off all the Master's and the Anointed One's minions and didn't make more. That equals a much safer town, if you ask me!”

“Xander!! He eats people! And not in the sexy way! He goes out and ends someone's life so he can keep living!”

Xander closed his eyes for a moment and hoped that Willow didn't see the momentary flash of pain in them. He still hated it, hated that Spike had to kill, but that was his nature. “Willow, it's more complicated than that. How do you know that vampires aren't Mother Nature's way of making sure there aren't too many humans to populate the world? I mean, all of nature has a series of checks and balances. Too many deer messes up the eco system so there are wolves to keep the population down...”

“Humans aren't deer! We think! We have emotions and people who care about us if we die and it's not right for him to just go and kill them! Why is he so different from every other vamp you kill?!”

Xander physically staggered at that last bit, and then rallied, his own anger starting to surface. “Okay he is different from most vamps!” He was not going to point out that as long as Spike had sex, cigarettes and good cable he wasn't interested in taking over the world. “You don't see Spike putting together his own personal Armageddon jigsaw puzzle, do you?”

Willow held up a hand. “Let's get this straight. I don't understand it, I don't wanna understand it. You have gross emotional problems, and things are not okay between us. But what's happening right now is more important than that. Getting Angel's soul back is our first priority. You being a big liar and a necrophiliac comes after.”

“Okay, eww! Spike isn't dead, he's just...mostly dead. And I didn't lie, not really. And why do we want to get Angel's soul back? I thought we decided to kill the bastard.”

“It's just something Buffy and I were talking about. I mean, if the gypsies gave him a soul once, Miss Calendar should be able to do it again, and we'll be checking that out first thing in the morning. Right now, I just want to go to bed and wake up and hope that this whole…thing with you and Spike has just been a nightmare. Now, goodnight.”

Willow pushed past him and went into the house and Xander wasn't sure if he should be sorry about it or just angry she got the last word. He grit his teeth and kicked at the dirt in frustration.

“You okay, pet?” Spike appeared from wherever it was he'd been lurking and Xander had to bite his tongue to keep from screaming 'do I look okay to you?'. It wasn't Spike's fault he was in a bad mood; there was no reason to take it out on him.

“No, not really. I just thought, well, that she'd at least hear me out. Or something. That we could talk.”
Spike actually growled. “Gotta say, pet, I don't like the idea of trying to re-mojo Angelus. 'S not like that really worked before and it just seems...unnatural. And ‘m not saying that just because I'm evil.”

Xander sighed and reached for Spike's hand, just wanting to connect. “I know it seems unfair to the person Angel was before Darla and everyone he's going to kill while they play at spells. Besides, it wasn't like he was useful with the soul.” He stopped suddenly in the middle of the road, and Spike bumped into him. “Damn it! I mean to warn her and Oz again. I keep on getting this weird vision of a wolf chasing a red rabbit around a really ugly couch when I'm near them. How am I going to tell them, though, if Willow's mad at me and Oz...well, he's not that bad but I don't know if he's up to talking to me and withstanding a Willow-pout.”

Spiked squeezed his hand reassuringly and started pulling him along by his arm. “Call the Watcher, pet. That way, you're covered and he can deal with their pissy attitude.”

“She's not being pissy, she's just hurt and confused. I would be too. Hell, I was when I found out that Buffy was drooling over Angel. I was just as bad. And okay, in a way I was right but I wasn't. I mean, it's not Buffy's fault the gypsies have a really weird idea of what breaks a curse. But yeah, I was just as bad about Angel so I really don't have any grounds to cry abuse. I was just, I dunno, hoping Wills would listen first.”

“Give her some time, pet, she'll come around. Maybe she's about to get her time of the month or something.”

“Ewwww! Gross! Spike! I SO don't want to think about that. Gag. She's like, my sister and I really don't want to know that much about her body functions, okay? So if your vamp nose figures that out, let me remind you that ignorance really is bliss in this case.”

Spike actually snickered and it made Xander grin, even though he was tired, because Spike didn't snicker that often. Xander really hoped his new psychic abilities could be fine tuned so the day that his lover broke out in giggles he could have five or six bugs attached to hidden recorders because he'd just love the blackmail material.

Xander sighed. “Really, this whole thing could have gone worse. I'm upset that Wills isn't even listening but she will after she's had a chance to calm down. Of course, she's going to be giving you the eagle eye every time she's near you, so please try not to growl at her too much.”

“”M not gonna have a bloody tea party with her, Xan; been there, done that and you're not getting to see the stupid t-shirt. And since I love you, soppy git that I am, I won't even pull out her spleen and shove it up her nose.”

He grinned. That was about as complimentary as Spike was going to get right now. Xander knew his lover and knew that Spike was more pissed about Willow's attitude towards Xander than he himself was. It was cute. Not that he'd ever tell Spike that.

“Thanks, Spike. Just knowing you won't tear out my almost sister's internal organs gives me a warm and happy feeling inside.”

“Wanker.”

“Hey! Don't put down my most excellent hand job skills. I studied for years, all by myself, to get those up to A+ level. I should get a medal for my hand jobs.”

Spike laughed and pulled him close and, despite his worry, Xander was able to relax into his lover's arms. “Tell you what, Xan, we'll go home, you can show me how talented you are and maybe if you're a good enough I'll get you a big trophy. We'll call it the Golden Nob Polisher or some such.”

Xander tried not to laugh; Spike just did not need the encouragement. He was afraid if he pushed he'd come home to find a bronzed dildo or some other toy waiting for him. Then he wouldn't have to worry about Angelus because he would already have died of embarrassment.

“Whatever, let's just go home.”

*****

Xander walked into the library and considered pulling over one of the giant bookshelves on top of him. For the most part things were okay at school but then there were days where he just wanted to quit and try that whole self-educating thing. Reading books and looking stuff up on the computer may not be as good as going to class but, then again, he wouldn't have to deal with Mr. Lilly's idiocy in American History.

It was a sad day when your British boyfriend knew more about America's history than the American teacher. And okay, so Spike had the advantage by being around for the past 120 years or so, but it wasn't like he hung out in the ‘States all that time.

Then he went to see if he could go talk to the girls during lunch, and he even had brought the good chocolate. But he had overheard them talking and Willow comment that his new phone number was 1-800-I'm-Dating-The-Evil-Undead and he had turned right around and made his way quickly and quietly to the library so he could eat his chocolate all by himself. He wasn't up to sharing good Godiva's with snarky people today.

Which was why he'd left Cordy with her court before lunch anyhow, and it was so odd that he kinda fit in with them better than he did with Buffy and Willow. Of course, it helped that the Cordettes were all sucking up at wind tunnel levels of suck. Apparently Cordy had bragged that she got her diamonds by being a good fag-hag and now Harmony wanted to do a make over with him.

It was scary and surreal and, if his new crazy vision hadn't have told him she was actually being as honest as Harmony could be, he would have been checking for signs of a pod. Or possession.

Xander sighed and popped open the box of chocolates and took two for himself before stowing them away in his backpack and grabbing one of his new books. Giles had piled him high with big names like Casey and Burton and the history of ESP and long, boring books on meditation.

Spike, on the other hand, had taken him down to the local magic shop once it was dark enough and had bought him every how-to book on the subject, from Psychic Vampires to Psychic Development for Beginners and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being Psychic. He'd also bought Xander crystals, bundles of sage and cedar, books on astrology, numerology and a few more ologies Xander still wasn't sure about. There was a special dream catcher ordered, with amethyst and onyx, quartz pendulums, dowsing rods and three different tarot decks and even more books.

When he had told Giles the next day the man had sputtered and Xander got the feeling that he was surprised that Spike knew that much about the issue. Xander had pointed out that Spike had lived with a psychic for over 100 years, so he figured his lover knew the basics.

He was still working on reading his first book: Psychic Development for Beginners. It wasn't as hokey as he thought it would be, and he had found some pretty good information in the first ten pages so he was slowly but surely going through the entire thing and attempting the exercises. There had been a line at the front, about how everyone has a choice to use psychic abilities if they wanted to, and that made him feel less of a crazy freak. He had chosen to open the box in his dream, and now he just had to figure out how to use his new powers.

And how not to use them, because once he could kinda see into Mr. Lilly's head Xander had figured out that not only was he an idiot but he was a perv as well.

He had skipped a few of the chapters, right to Chapter Five and psychic shields. Of course, he had to “go to his basic psychic level” first but Xander got the feeling his brain had taken up residence there full time so he didn't worry about it too much.

He checked and made sure no one was in the library before sitting cross legged on the check out desk. Xander always felt like a total idiot doing these exercises but they did help so he tried to control his breathing and visualized a bright light surrounding his body. “This light will repel all negative energies from programming my mind. This protective psychic shield will be with me always from now on. From now on I will be...”

“Xander? What on earth are you doing?”

“GAH!” Xander's eyes opened and he jumped and nearly fell off his perch. “Gods, Giles! Do not scare the crazy person! Didn't they teach you crap like that in Watcher's School or were you playing hooky that day?”

Giles gave him that look that was half exasperation and half fondness, his glasses in the pocket of his coat. “Pardon me, Xander, I didn't mean to walk into my own library.”

“Ooh! Someone didn't have time for a nooner during lunchtime!”

“That bloody git, Snyder, kept talking to me for nearly ten minutes and...how did you know I was going home for lunch?”

Xander grinned and jumped down from where he was sitting. “Hello? Psychic, remember? Do I need to get business cards to hand out or something? Besides, I've noticed you've been going home for lunch a lot lately and having a much sunnier attitude when you get back and that equals lunchtime nookie.”

“Yes, well....you know, those books that Spike got for you aren't of the highest quality.”

Xander shrugged and bookmarked his page before stuffing his book back into his bag. “Yeah, well, I have yours too. I'm working my way up from the short and easy to read ones up to the giant tomes. I'm sorry, I know Burton coined the term E.S.P. but I giggle every time I look at it ‘cause me and Jesse used to love watching that syndicated show, The Sentinel, that they dragged one of his books out for. And now that I'm older and can tell that Jim and Blair are so very gay.”

“Xander...”

“What!! See, this is why I'm starting with the simple stuff. Even without the shiny new powers I have a short attention span.”

The bell rang, but Xander's next period was his study hall in the library so he didn't have to rush to get anywhere, which was just as well. He'd been tardy more times than he could count since becoming psychic, mainly because he couldn't stand to touch anyone and ended up in the corner of one of the halls until most of the students were in class. Despite the whole whirlpool of evil, the Library was becoming one of his safest places to be.

Giles adjusted his glasses and tie, ready to be Librarian Man should any student come through the doors. “Perhaps some of the meditation techniques I've suggested will help with your focus. You could practice one of those instead of that...drivel.”

“Giles! I suck at meditation! My brain is too loud and it's always talking. You, of all people, should know this.”

“I quite understand, Xander, but you still must work on it. As it is, we're lucky that Angelus has not tried anything the past few days.”

Xander groaned and restrained himself from beating Giles over the head with one of his books. “You just had to do it, didn't you, Giles? You had to go and jinx us.”

Giles huffed and went to do librarian type things. “Don't be preposterous, Xander. How could that possibly “jinx” anyone?”

Xander could hear the quotes around Giles's words and groaned again. He tried to keep his brain from reaching out for all the possibilities that the Fates might decide to smack them with but a few of the really scary ones slipped through. He walked to the back of the stacks to sneak a call to Spike on his new cell phone. “Just remember, G-man, when all hell breaks loose I get to say I told you so!”

*****