Truth Denied
folder
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
64
Views:
22,800
Reviews:
75
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
64
Views:
22,800
Reviews:
75
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Chapter 36
Spike came out of his office after he had cried himself out. He didn’t know how much time had passed, he just knew it was more than enough for Xander to pack his meager belongings and leave him. Leave him alone. He wiped his nose and looked down the hall and froze. The front door was open. Xander wouldn’t have done that. He was afraid he knew what was going on.
Spike went to swing the door shut when he saw the blood on the floor. No… He looked around for more blood, and he found splatters here and there. Again he cursed his all too human failings. He couldn’t tell if the blood was human or demon, if there was more or if this was all, if it was shed in a life or death fight or by mundane accident… he needed more information! But dammit, he couldn’t ignore that it could be something serious.
He didn’t touch the door or step in the blood. He peeked into the open second bedroom. Xander’s bag sat on the bed, half packed. He’d been interrupted. Maybe he’d gone to answer the door? Spike stopped. He couldn’t deal with this himself.
He picked up the phone with a trembling hand, and looked at the number scrawled on the pad in neat writing. He hesitated, unsure of what kind of help he should be calling for.
He cleared his throat and dialed a number.
“Yeah… I’ve got… I’ve got an emergency”
Spike was sitting in the office with Ben, a blanket around him, sipping hot mint tea with no fortifications, even though Ben had offered him bourbon. He just sat there and stared into space, sipping his tea, under a hand crocheted blanket Steve had made one winter. Ben sat beside him on the couch, his own mug of tea in hand. The cops had talked to Spike at length, but when it became obvious he knew nothing and their questions were just upsetting him, they backed off and went to search his house,. That’s where they were now.
Finally Spike spoke, “What if the blood’s not human?”
“Then the police are going to be in for one hell of a shock,” Ben said grimly. “It’s not like you had a choice! Xander’s been kidnapped! Who else were you going to call? The mystical police? I wish there was some kind of police force for the things that go bump in the night. There’s just so much out there, and so many customs and laws and traditions and things that come up who knows how often. It’s impossible to police. We’re just… cogs in the universal machine, trying not to mash up our friend cogs by accident.”
Spike didn’t answer, he knew he could have called up another team of people who specialized in demon problems. But Xander would have hated him forever. That was one discussion he didn’t have the right to have with Ben. Those were Xander’s demons. Let him explain them, or not. He sipped his tea.
“When do you think they’ll be done? Want to sleep.”
“I don’t know sweetheart, but you can sleep in the office if you’d like. It’s secure, you know that from working here.” Ben looked at him sympathetically, his green eyes round and full of warmth as he stroked Spike’s shoulder.
“No, want m’own bed, feel more normal,” Spike said, shrugging one shoulder at a time, trying to work the tension out. He felt like he'd been run over by a truck, then shoved into a small box and frozen. Everything was out of whack. Sleeping on the couch would only make him feel worse.
“Then I don’t know. Look, you don’t have to come to the club right now, okay? I’ll run it, you stay home.” Ben looked at him worriedly. Running a temple came to him like a second nature, or really a first nature. He may have lost the love of his life, but he lived an exceedingly long time and expected to love again.
“Where’m I supposed to go? Can’t go home, can’t come here. What, you want me on the street when that demon strikes again?” Spike looked up at him with bloodshot eyes.
Ben shook his head almost violently, both hands spread out in front of him, as if to ward off the very idea. “Oh my gods, Spike. That is just ... No, I did not mean that! I wasn’t ... I didn’t ... I shouldn’t… I meant, you don’t have to come in to work. You can stay at our… my place for now if you want. You know we’ve got room. We live in a condo, so you don’t have to worry about unwanted guests.”
Spike looked at him and sighed. “'Til I get my place back, that sounds good, thanks.” He drank some tea, looking less feral and tense. Having a plan always soothed him, made him feel more in control. He relaxed enough so his back actually touched the back of the couch, and he had another sip of the warming mint tea.
“Ben… I can’t lose him. Not like this,” Spike said, looking into his tea, tears springing afresh onto his pale cheek. They flowed across his sharp cheekbones to drip off his wavering chin onto the blanket.
“You two survived Sunnydale, not many humans get that honour. Hellmouths are not easy to survive on, especially if you’re human. At least yours had a guardian, that’s probably why so many of you survived in the end, Bunjee Suffers saved all your butts more times that you will ever know, and kept that pesky vampire population down, even if she did have unfortunate taste in lovers. Then again, I guess it takes a demon to please a demon.” Ben sighed and shook his head.
Spike looked up at him, dumbfounded, then narrowed his eyes. “She wasn’t any guardian, she was the bloody Slayer, and it wasn’t just her, she had a whole group that helped her. And it wasn’t bloody,” he simpered, “Bunjee Suffers, her name was Buffy Summers, and she did more than save our arses. She saved the entire bloody world and died for it, more than once, more than twice. That’s right, she kept up the good fight for as long as she was around, and I will not hear anyone, and I mean anyone, denigrating her, or misremembering her deeds. She was a true hero. She never ever gave up on her friends…” He added quietly, “She never gave up on me.”
Ben stared at him “You knew the Slayer,” he marveled.
“Knew her, loved her. Had a history that went a completely different way with her…” Spike sighed and stared at his mug.
“Wait… Spike… Williamson… You’re William the Bloody!” Ben got up with a shriek and dropped his mug, sending tea and porcelain shards flying as he scrambled and tried to hide under the steel desk.
Spike got up, blanket falling to the couch. He sighed. “Stop… stop that, Ben. Ben, stop that. I’m human, Ben. BEN! BENJAMIN! I’m a bloody human tosser! Remember?? You had me over for a barbecue last month. Full daylight, went swimming. Remember?”
Ben stopped trying to dig to China through the linoleum and reinforced steel floor under the desk as he realized Spike was speaking the truth. He looked up fearfully from underneath the desk, just his eyes and forehead showing. “What happened?”
“Ben, will you just sit beside me like another human being? I’ll tell you the entire story.”
Ben got up slowly. Spike sat on the couch, “Sorry ‘bout your tea.”
“It’s okay….” He sat at the desk. Spike sighed again. Just last night Ben would have done anything for them. Now he was afraid to even sit beside him.
“Look, I wasWilliam The Bloody. I did kill a lot of people. I did horrible, horrible things that I can never even begin to ask forgiveness for. But I fell in love with the Slayer. I had this chip, see. This thing the government put in my brain. They had the daft idea of turning vampires into shock troops. Wouldn’t let me feed normal like and I couldn’t figure out how to live. I couldn’t hurt anyone, couldn’t even think about hurtin’ any human or my head exploded with brain igniting fire. Anyways, I went to the scoobies. That's what the Slayer's people called themselves. They took me in. They didn’t trust me but they took me in. Was tied to Xander’s barcalounger for a while. Ahhh, the memories,” he smiled, then teared up, sniffling.
“Anyways, I found out I could hurt demons, so I fought with the Slayer. We helped save the world a couple of times, was fun. But before that, fell in love with her. Fell in love and did something stupid. Thought… demon in me thought if I started… started, she’d just accept me as… as her mate, like a normal vamp.” He looked down.
Ben looked at him, no longer leaning as far away as possible. He was now actively listening, eyes wide, hands on his knees as he leant forward. “You raped the Slayer?” He was shocked. No one in history had ever made such a claim.
“No!” Spike said, disgusted. “She stopped me, or I stopped myself. But I hurt her… scared her, scared us both. I left. Went to Africa, found a demon, did some trials, nearly died. I got back the spark… got back my soul. For her, for love. So I’d never do it again, so I’d always know when too much was too much, when enough was enough, and I came back.” He was silent for a minute.
“I was really off my rocker, living in a haunted school basement, eating rats, talking like my blood Sire, seeing things, though that’s another story. Anyways, eventually she trusted me and had the government boys take out my chip,. It was either that, let it kill me, or put in a permanent one, but she trusted me. Then I died.” He laughed. “Came back a ghost, bound to a law firm, run by my old Sire!” He couldn’t stop laughing, and had to put down his tea until his laughter passed.
“Became a vamp again… then… then wanted more. Found out about a prophecy called the Shanshu about the vampire with a soul being granted real life as a reward for fighting the ultimate battle on the side of good. I wanted it… But I’d been evil most of my life so I knew it’d go to my Sire, Angelus. He’d had a soul longer, paid penance, fought the good fight longer. Me? I was just a new kid on the block… Then he went and he signed the prophecy away, and it went to the next vampire with a soul. Me.”
He looked imploringly at Ben. “You have to trust me Ben. Xander trusted me, and he was the right hand man of the Slayer. We lived together. Danced together. Ben, you know what dancing together does to a person. The trust we have to have in each other! Please Ben, please, you have to trust me. This is all of me. Anything you want to know about me I’ll tell you, I promise. But I’m human now. I haven’t killed anyone since I became human. Please Ben…” His eyes were full of tears. Tears of sadness, tears of frustration, tears of anger. He was brimming with tears, but he held them in check. In the bright florescent lights of the safe room his blue eyes shone with an unearthly light.
Ben got a tissue out of the box and came out from behind the desk. He gave the tissue to Spike and knelt in front of him. He wrapped his big arms around Spike and hugged him. “I’m sorry. We’ll get him back. We’ll get Xan back.” He rubbed Spike’s back.
Spike sobbed and clung to him, like a child to his mother after a very, very long day that had not been good at all. He sobbed and clung, unable to let go. To be accepted, truly accepted, even from someone who knew him as a monster, but also knew him now.... He finally understood what Ben felt when they just accepted him, demon and all.
“It’s okay Spike. I know other demons. We’ll get together a search party for this demon. We’ll find him, and we’ll get Xander back. I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault. I had to reactivate the temple to make it as authentic as possible…”
“Ben, you’re drennar. It’s not your fault. Don’t ever blame yourself,” he said fiercely. “We’re going to get Xander back, either from a human with police help, or from a demon, with demon help. I don’t care if I’m human… I promised I’d protect Xan, and I failed. I’ll do anything I can to protect him now.”
“And I’ll help,” Ben said, holding Spike easily in his huge grasp.
“Great. Where do we start?” Spike asked, clapping his hands together in a business-like manner.
“Shit, I thought you knew?”
Spike went to swing the door shut when he saw the blood on the floor. No… He looked around for more blood, and he found splatters here and there. Again he cursed his all too human failings. He couldn’t tell if the blood was human or demon, if there was more or if this was all, if it was shed in a life or death fight or by mundane accident… he needed more information! But dammit, he couldn’t ignore that it could be something serious.
He didn’t touch the door or step in the blood. He peeked into the open second bedroom. Xander’s bag sat on the bed, half packed. He’d been interrupted. Maybe he’d gone to answer the door? Spike stopped. He couldn’t deal with this himself.
He picked up the phone with a trembling hand, and looked at the number scrawled on the pad in neat writing. He hesitated, unsure of what kind of help he should be calling for.
He cleared his throat and dialed a number.
“Yeah… I’ve got… I’ve got an emergency”
~*~
Spike was sitting in the office with Ben, a blanket around him, sipping hot mint tea with no fortifications, even though Ben had offered him bourbon. He just sat there and stared into space, sipping his tea, under a hand crocheted blanket Steve had made one winter. Ben sat beside him on the couch, his own mug of tea in hand. The cops had talked to Spike at length, but when it became obvious he knew nothing and their questions were just upsetting him, they backed off and went to search his house,. That’s where they were now.
Finally Spike spoke, “What if the blood’s not human?”
“Then the police are going to be in for one hell of a shock,” Ben said grimly. “It’s not like you had a choice! Xander’s been kidnapped! Who else were you going to call? The mystical police? I wish there was some kind of police force for the things that go bump in the night. There’s just so much out there, and so many customs and laws and traditions and things that come up who knows how often. It’s impossible to police. We’re just… cogs in the universal machine, trying not to mash up our friend cogs by accident.”
Spike didn’t answer, he knew he could have called up another team of people who specialized in demon problems. But Xander would have hated him forever. That was one discussion he didn’t have the right to have with Ben. Those were Xander’s demons. Let him explain them, or not. He sipped his tea.
“When do you think they’ll be done? Want to sleep.”
“I don’t know sweetheart, but you can sleep in the office if you’d like. It’s secure, you know that from working here.” Ben looked at him sympathetically, his green eyes round and full of warmth as he stroked Spike’s shoulder.
“No, want m’own bed, feel more normal,” Spike said, shrugging one shoulder at a time, trying to work the tension out. He felt like he'd been run over by a truck, then shoved into a small box and frozen. Everything was out of whack. Sleeping on the couch would only make him feel worse.
“Then I don’t know. Look, you don’t have to come to the club right now, okay? I’ll run it, you stay home.” Ben looked at him worriedly. Running a temple came to him like a second nature, or really a first nature. He may have lost the love of his life, but he lived an exceedingly long time and expected to love again.
“Where’m I supposed to go? Can’t go home, can’t come here. What, you want me on the street when that demon strikes again?” Spike looked up at him with bloodshot eyes.
Ben shook his head almost violently, both hands spread out in front of him, as if to ward off the very idea. “Oh my gods, Spike. That is just ... No, I did not mean that! I wasn’t ... I didn’t ... I shouldn’t… I meant, you don’t have to come in to work. You can stay at our… my place for now if you want. You know we’ve got room. We live in a condo, so you don’t have to worry about unwanted guests.”
Spike looked at him and sighed. “'Til I get my place back, that sounds good, thanks.” He drank some tea, looking less feral and tense. Having a plan always soothed him, made him feel more in control. He relaxed enough so his back actually touched the back of the couch, and he had another sip of the warming mint tea.
“Ben… I can’t lose him. Not like this,” Spike said, looking into his tea, tears springing afresh onto his pale cheek. They flowed across his sharp cheekbones to drip off his wavering chin onto the blanket.
“You two survived Sunnydale, not many humans get that honour. Hellmouths are not easy to survive on, especially if you’re human. At least yours had a guardian, that’s probably why so many of you survived in the end, Bunjee Suffers saved all your butts more times that you will ever know, and kept that pesky vampire population down, even if she did have unfortunate taste in lovers. Then again, I guess it takes a demon to please a demon.” Ben sighed and shook his head.
Spike looked up at him, dumbfounded, then narrowed his eyes. “She wasn’t any guardian, she was the bloody Slayer, and it wasn’t just her, she had a whole group that helped her. And it wasn’t bloody,” he simpered, “Bunjee Suffers, her name was Buffy Summers, and she did more than save our arses. She saved the entire bloody world and died for it, more than once, more than twice. That’s right, she kept up the good fight for as long as she was around, and I will not hear anyone, and I mean anyone, denigrating her, or misremembering her deeds. She was a true hero. She never ever gave up on her friends…” He added quietly, “She never gave up on me.”
Ben stared at him “You knew the Slayer,” he marveled.
“Knew her, loved her. Had a history that went a completely different way with her…” Spike sighed and stared at his mug.
“Wait… Spike… Williamson… You’re William the Bloody!” Ben got up with a shriek and dropped his mug, sending tea and porcelain shards flying as he scrambled and tried to hide under the steel desk.
Spike got up, blanket falling to the couch. He sighed. “Stop… stop that, Ben. Ben, stop that. I’m human, Ben. BEN! BENJAMIN! I’m a bloody human tosser! Remember?? You had me over for a barbecue last month. Full daylight, went swimming. Remember?”
Ben stopped trying to dig to China through the linoleum and reinforced steel floor under the desk as he realized Spike was speaking the truth. He looked up fearfully from underneath the desk, just his eyes and forehead showing. “What happened?”
“Ben, will you just sit beside me like another human being? I’ll tell you the entire story.”
Ben got up slowly. Spike sat on the couch, “Sorry ‘bout your tea.”
“It’s okay….” He sat at the desk. Spike sighed again. Just last night Ben would have done anything for them. Now he was afraid to even sit beside him.
“Look, I wasWilliam The Bloody. I did kill a lot of people. I did horrible, horrible things that I can never even begin to ask forgiveness for. But I fell in love with the Slayer. I had this chip, see. This thing the government put in my brain. They had the daft idea of turning vampires into shock troops. Wouldn’t let me feed normal like and I couldn’t figure out how to live. I couldn’t hurt anyone, couldn’t even think about hurtin’ any human or my head exploded with brain igniting fire. Anyways, I went to the scoobies. That's what the Slayer's people called themselves. They took me in. They didn’t trust me but they took me in. Was tied to Xander’s barcalounger for a while. Ahhh, the memories,” he smiled, then teared up, sniffling.
“Anyways, I found out I could hurt demons, so I fought with the Slayer. We helped save the world a couple of times, was fun. But before that, fell in love with her. Fell in love and did something stupid. Thought… demon in me thought if I started… started, she’d just accept me as… as her mate, like a normal vamp.” He looked down.
Ben looked at him, no longer leaning as far away as possible. He was now actively listening, eyes wide, hands on his knees as he leant forward. “You raped the Slayer?” He was shocked. No one in history had ever made such a claim.
“No!” Spike said, disgusted. “She stopped me, or I stopped myself. But I hurt her… scared her, scared us both. I left. Went to Africa, found a demon, did some trials, nearly died. I got back the spark… got back my soul. For her, for love. So I’d never do it again, so I’d always know when too much was too much, when enough was enough, and I came back.” He was silent for a minute.
“I was really off my rocker, living in a haunted school basement, eating rats, talking like my blood Sire, seeing things, though that’s another story. Anyways, eventually she trusted me and had the government boys take out my chip,. It was either that, let it kill me, or put in a permanent one, but she trusted me. Then I died.” He laughed. “Came back a ghost, bound to a law firm, run by my old Sire!” He couldn’t stop laughing, and had to put down his tea until his laughter passed.
“Became a vamp again… then… then wanted more. Found out about a prophecy called the Shanshu about the vampire with a soul being granted real life as a reward for fighting the ultimate battle on the side of good. I wanted it… But I’d been evil most of my life so I knew it’d go to my Sire, Angelus. He’d had a soul longer, paid penance, fought the good fight longer. Me? I was just a new kid on the block… Then he went and he signed the prophecy away, and it went to the next vampire with a soul. Me.”
He looked imploringly at Ben. “You have to trust me Ben. Xander trusted me, and he was the right hand man of the Slayer. We lived together. Danced together. Ben, you know what dancing together does to a person. The trust we have to have in each other! Please Ben, please, you have to trust me. This is all of me. Anything you want to know about me I’ll tell you, I promise. But I’m human now. I haven’t killed anyone since I became human. Please Ben…” His eyes were full of tears. Tears of sadness, tears of frustration, tears of anger. He was brimming with tears, but he held them in check. In the bright florescent lights of the safe room his blue eyes shone with an unearthly light.
Ben got a tissue out of the box and came out from behind the desk. He gave the tissue to Spike and knelt in front of him. He wrapped his big arms around Spike and hugged him. “I’m sorry. We’ll get him back. We’ll get Xan back.” He rubbed Spike’s back.
Spike sobbed and clung to him, like a child to his mother after a very, very long day that had not been good at all. He sobbed and clung, unable to let go. To be accepted, truly accepted, even from someone who knew him as a monster, but also knew him now.... He finally understood what Ben felt when they just accepted him, demon and all.
“It’s okay Spike. I know other demons. We’ll get together a search party for this demon. We’ll find him, and we’ll get Xander back. I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault. I had to reactivate the temple to make it as authentic as possible…”
“Ben, you’re drennar. It’s not your fault. Don’t ever blame yourself,” he said fiercely. “We’re going to get Xander back, either from a human with police help, or from a demon, with demon help. I don’t care if I’m human… I promised I’d protect Xan, and I failed. I’ll do anything I can to protect him now.”
“And I’ll help,” Ben said, holding Spike easily in his huge grasp.
“Great. Where do we start?” Spike asked, clapping his hands together in a business-like manner.
“Shit, I thought you knew?”