Choices

What the hell was she thinking? Were the only thoughts running through Buffy's head as she trudged through the streets of Newport. She pulled her jacket tighter around her and adjusted the black cap that adorned her head. She pushed up the glasses she borrowed from Willow and wondered how her friend could possibly ever see out of them. With every step that she took, her heart pounded that much faster until all she could hear was drumming in her ears.
She was insane. She had to be. Why else would she be putting herself in the lion's den like this? Oh yeah, that's right. To protect Angel and Spike. She didn't want a repeat performance, she had to keep them safe-along with everyone else in town.

Before entering the bar she stopped and took five deep breaths. She was still shaking, but it was a step in the right direction. She strolled in, trying to make herself appear as casual as possible. A few heads turned, but nothing noticeable. Locating an empty seat at the bar, she made a beeline for it, barely looking around her to take in her surroundings. Okay, maybe she wasn't so good at this double o seven stuff. She was more of the jump and attack, then think about the plan she should have had later. Spike was somewhat of a planner, but nothing like Angel. Angel was all about the plan. Angel was always the one telling her to plan better, and, when the 'attack' was done, Angel was the first one to tell her what she did wrong and how to PLAN to fix it better for next time. She would usually roll her eyes at him along with Spike. Now she was thinking she should have listened more.

"Whaddya want?" The bartender practically barked at her as she sat.

"Uh, beer."

The older man rolled his bloodshot eyes. "What kind of beer?"

"Budweiser?"

He stalked away and Buffy placed her fingertips on the edge of the table and looked up. There was a mirror in front of her and she had a perfect view of the patrons behind her. Without Slayer ability to be able to tell her when vamps were present, Buffy had to use her observation skills and the things that Spike and Angel had told her to look for. She had to focus, which was proving difficult since she was on the verge of having a full out panic attack.

The beer was placed in front of her and she slid her money toward the bartender and took a sip of the frothy brew. It was bitter and she found she didn't like it. Maybe she also should have listened to Spike when he was telling her which beers were the best. However, he wasn't a big fan of American beers. Trying not to wrinkle her nose in disgust and "blend", Buffy sipped her beer and pretended to watch the baseball game on the TV in the corner of the bar.

The sound of the door swinging open had her averting her eyes to the mirror to get a gander at who had just walked in. She heard them, but she could not see them.

Definitely vampires.

'Keep it together, Buffy. Don't lose it.' She kept that inner mantra going as she strained to hear what they were saying behind her. She couldn't make out a word of it and she tried not to appear as if she were waiting with baited breath for any information she could gather from them, even if she was in fact waiting with bated breath. When she heard the word 'Slayer' she nearly fell out of her stool.

Buffy gripped the condensing mug in her hand and it almost slipped out her grasp. The bartender raised his eyebrow as the mug spun from her hands. She averted her eyes and grabbed the handle, taking three large gulps.

"Did you see her?"

"I saw her all right. Wasn't the Slayer though."

"What was she then?"

Buffy thought she was going to spit out her beer as she forced herself to swallow.

"Not sure. She had some powers though. Dusted my brother. She had a vamp with her."

"And he was helping her you say?"

"Yep. Until Mark had a stake pressed to his chest and the girl there, she got knocked out."

"No shit. Did you kill her?"

"I was about to," the vampire boasted, "then some big dude came out of nowhere and started ripping heads off?it was another vamp."

"Chicken shit, why didn't you fight?"

"I'm not dumb, that's why."

"So you're not going for a piece of the Slayer then?"

"Hell, no. I'm out of this town as soon as I can."

"Do ya at least know where the Slayer is? We've come all this way looking for her."

"She's around. She's with her Watcher."

The Slayer was in town? With her Watcher? Who in the hell was that?

"What this other girl look like?"

"Blond, pretty. She was so skinny, I figured it'd be easy until the blows started coming. Then I took off."

"Blond, you say?"

"Yep, smelled like raspberries."

She was buying new body lotion tomorrow, that was it.

"Hell, that could be any girl."

"I'd know her if I saw her. Besides, how many humans you know hang out in cemeteries with a vampire?"

"What he look like?"

Buffy felt the bile rise up in her throat. They knew of her. What was more, they originally weren't here for her, they were here for the Slayer who was apparently in town.

"Blond too, almost white hair. Bleach job. Same with the girl, definitely not natural blond. He wore all black, with a long leather duster. Also black. And the guy who came later, he had brown hair, wore mostly black and had a black leather coat. He was taller and more muscular than the other one. Vicious too."

"I'm feeling the need for a fight. Let's get out of here and see what we can score."

"All right."

"Are you all right miss?" The bartender posing the question to her, nearly made Buffy jump out her skin.

"I-I'm fine, why?"

"You're bleeding," he pointed at her hands at the same time Buffy felt the pain. She'd been digging her nails into her palm so hard, she drew blood.

She nodded and slid down the stool on shaky legs that threatened to buckle under her. She was going to die, that was the only thing she knew. And it wasn't from a vampire, no, she was going to have a heart attack. She found she couldn't breathe, her breath coming out in soft gasps as she tried not to call anymore undue attention to herself.

Making it outside, where she was met with a black sky and misting rain, she heaved in some of the salt air and tried to walk away from the door. Placing one foot in front of her, she stepped right into something hard. She wanted to scream, but her voice was trapped in her throat. She looked up and collapsed with relief as her knees finally gave way.

Angel.

Angel caught her just before she hit the ground. He grabbed arms and tried to steady her. Buffy death gripped him, holding on to him as if she'd fly away if she didn't.

"Buffy, you're shaking like a leaf."

She nodded and gasped for air.

"Christ Buffy, you're having a panic attack!"

She nodded vigorously.

Buffy didn't even fight it when Angel picked her up and cradled her in his arms. She wrapped her arms around him and looked over his shoulder as he carried her across the street to an empty wharf. Upon reaching said wharf, he sat down with her on the hard wood, holding her in his lap as he tugged on her arms. She looked up at him with wide, frightened eyes. She saw his concern and anger that he was trying to conceal.

"Breathe, Buffy. Breathe. Follow my lead." He inhaled deeply. "In." And then exhaled slowly. "Out. Come on, Buffy, do it with me."

She kept her focus on him, his eyes and the sound of his breathing. After a few tries, soon she was breathing right along with Angel. Funny that he had to be the one help her breathe considering he was the one who didn't need air. When she was breathing normally, she found her voice and blurted out: "They're looking for the Slayer who is in town. They know about us."

Angel clenched his jaw and looked at her sternly. "Is this the mission you went on tonight?"

"How did you-"

"Willow. She was worried. Called to see if you were home yet and when I asked what was going on, she nearly became hysterical and told me everything. What the hell were you thinking, Buffy?"

"I was thinking that I needed to find out what was going on," she told him sternly and started to get up. He held her tighter against him, not giving her any room to move.

"You could have gotten yourself killed, Buffy. Going there by yourself after what happened the other night was the dumbest thing you could have done!"

"Stop yelling at me!" This time she managed to push herself off him and she sprang to her feet.

"Then stop being a spoiled brat and fucking listen to me!" He shouted back, standing up and facing her.

"I'm not trying to be a brat about this, I was trying to protect you and Spike!"

"And who was protecting you when you decided to pull this stunt? Huh? Goddammit Buffy, you don't do shit like this alone-do you hear me? You could have been..." he stopped suddenly and closed his eyes. He opened them and stared her down, his gaze intense with a combination of love and fear. "Do you have any idea what it was like to see you lying there unconscious like that and not knowing if you...if you were alive or dead?"

She swallowed the lump in her throat, "probably the same way it felt to see Spike with a stake pressed to his heart," she murmured.

"I won't let that happen to you again," he ground out, "so if I become the dictator, it's because I can't lose you, Buffy."

"And I can't lose you and Spike, Angel! That's why I had to find out what was going on. If you or Spike came with me, it would be too risky. They'd sense you. I did it, not to be stupid and reckless, but because I love you so much and couldn't bear for anything to happen to you!" She burst out passionately.

Angel stopped all movements and stared at her.

"What?"

"What did you just say?"

"I said that I loved you both so much that I couldn't bear for anything to happen to you, why?"

"Y-you love me?"

Her expression changed from confusion to clarity. She attempted casual. "Well, yeah. You knew that."

He shook his head, "no, no actually I didn't. You've been hating me for so long-"

"I didn't HATE you. I think you're exaggerating."

"Buffy, say it again." His tone didn't leave any room for argument or stalling. And really, there was no reason for it.

She looked at him, square in the eye: "I love you."

He let out a long sigh, closed his eyes and shook his head as if trying to clear an image from his mind. "I'm dreaming."

"If you were dreaming then you could dream away this nightmare going on around us."

He opened his eyes and stalked over to her, slowly. "Tell me again that you love me."

"I love you," she told him without thinking about it. Which was pretty much the way it was with them. She loved them both without having to think about it. It was second nature, like closing your eyes to go to sleep. It just was.

He grabbed her and hauled her up in his arms, pulling her off the ground as he held her, burying his face in her hair. "I love you, Buffy. I love you so much. Promise me you won't do that again."

"Angel-"

"Promise me."

"I promise."

He set her down, but did not let her out of his arms. "Did you ever stop?"

She smiled weakly and reached out, caressing his face. He closed his eyes at her touch and nuzzled her palm. "No, Angel. I never stopped."

At her words, his eyes opened and sparkled with happiness. He smiled at her and leaned in until they were a millimeter apart. "I really need to kiss you right now, so I hope you don't mind?"
She stopped him, by pressing her lips against his. He pulled at her, aligning her body to his so that they were flush against each other. She sighed into the kiss, feeling that for once, everything was right with the world. This was the missing link. Angel. She hadn't been complete without him, and now, now she felt she was. She still needed to know the burning questions though.

"When?" She asked, pulling apart, knowing he'd understand.

"Less talking, more kissing." And he pulled her in again. She was more than happy to oblige. He wrapped his arms around her, crushing her against him and she reveled in it. He traced her lips with his tongue and she moaned at the sensation, her skin breaking out in goosebumps. He chuckled as he felt her shiver and their tongues met and dueled. Their kiss was greedy and full of longing. Breaking apart, just an inch apart, Angel gazed at her, cupping her face in his hands. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

"If it's as much as I love you, it must be bigger than the world."

"It's bigger than the world, the sky, the stars, the galaxy...more than I can ever put into words."

She hugged him, burying her face in his chest and smiled. "I'm glad you came home," she told him softly.

"So am I, Buffy. So am I."

"Can we go home now? I love being here with you, but in light of what I learned, I don't feel quite that safe."

"Yeah, let's go home sweetheart."

*********

Chapter 40

Angel had thought he had gone alone to get Buffy. That's what Spike led him to believe anyway. And when he was sure they were out of harms way, Spike made his way home.
He told Angel that she needed to know he still loved her despite her tantrums and that he was still her protector and the Angel she could always count on despite her claim to the contrary. And, he had been right. She'd seen it, she'd accepted it, whether it was conscious or unconscious.

It didn't stop Spike from worrying about the two of them while they were out. That was why Spike decided to follow him. Who knew what kind of trouble they could get into. They'd all have to get better at having each other's back like the old days if they planned to survive.
He heard Buffy's giggling wafting through and he put on his stern face. Despite how happy he was to learn that they had worked it all out, she was still in some hot water with him for pulling that little stunt.
The door burst open and Spike put on his stern face. Buffy's smiling face fell as soon as she saw him. She didn't do the usual Buffy thing though where she snarked at him before he could snark at her, no, she ran to him and hugged him fiercely tight. Spike could only stand there, shocked. He looked to Angel over her shoulder and he mouthed 'be gentle.' Spike rolled his eyes. Okay, so the bloody poof was under her spell right now and didn't want to upset her. Well, too bad. She had been bloody stupid and if it took the Big Bad to be the Big Meanie, then so be it.

"Buffy-"

"I know you're mad at me. Angel told me a whole bunch of 'bloody stupid's' and 'off her rocker's' and a bunch of other colorful words were coming out of your mouth. What I did was 'bloody stupid' and I might definitely be 'off my rocker' especially since the thought of fighting gives me panic attacks to end all panic attacks, but I did it for you and Angel. I promise I won't do anything like that again without one or both of you with me, okay?"
She pulled back and looked at him. He narrowed his eyes and shook his finger at her. "Bloody stupid!"

"I know."

"You're off your rocker!"

"I know," she smiled and this time Spike hugged her close to him.
"Worry about you, I do. When you do something like that...Buffy, you just don't know." He buried his face in her neck, memories of her lying lifeless on the ground and being unable to help resurfacing.

"I know exactly, that's why I did it. Spike...I keep seeing you too." She knew, of course she knew.

"I love you," he told her, holding her face in his hands and looking at her earnestly.

"I know. I love you too."

Spike released her and looked to Angel and back to Buffy, waiting for someone to fill him in.

"Oh, uh, Spike?" Buffy began.

"Yeah, kitten?"

She looked to Angel expectantly. He smiled down at her and walked over, wrapping his arms around her from behind. "I've been forgiven," he said simply.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far," she started and Angel tickled her side, causing her to squeal.

"She doesn't hate me, let's go with that then."

She looked up at him. "I never hated you, Angel. I was just...very angry with you."

Angel nodded humbly.

"So you're all set with us then, is that it?" Spike piped up. He was happy for them, happy for all of them, but he was getting anxious to hear if Buffy had found out anything during her covert operation.

"Yes, Spike, I'm all set with US now."

Buffy appeared to want to say more by the fact that her mouth opened to say something, then she closed it, apparently deciding to change venue's. "I found out some information," she began.

"Oh?" Spike moved to fill up a mug of blood for himself and Angel.

"In the midst of the beginnings of my panic attack, some vamps did come in."

"How many would you say?" Angel asked as he sat down at the table. He leaned back in his 'professor' mode: His face studious and serious, his body language receptive and he was stroking his chin in a thoughtful manner.

"I don't know, I couldn't see them in the mirror, that's how I knew they were vamps before they started talking about us."

"Us?" Spike's eyes widened. "They were talking about US?"

Buffy nodded, "they, uh-they were looking for the Slayer."

Angel motioned for Buffy to sit and she moved to the table. As she started to sit, Angel grabbed her gently and pulled her down on his lap. He rested his forehead on her shoulder and loosely wrapped his arms around her. "Breathe, Buffy. They can't hurt you right now."

She nodded and began twisting her hands in her lap. "They were looking for the Slayer who is in town with her Watcher."

Both vamp's eyes widened. "In town?" They said at the same time.

"Yeah, in town. They seemed to know who she is and what she looked like. Sounded like they followed her here. Well, the bunch we ran into, one of them got away and watched the whole thing. They saw me, Spike and you, Angel. The one that got away, he described us to his friends and he knew that you both were vampires and that you were helping me. From the sound of it, they're not just after the Slayer anymore. They're after us. Which is a large part of the reason why I couldn't take you guys with me. Vampire's can sense other vampire's, right?"

"Right," Spike said grudgingly.

"Well, then they would have known. As unsafe as it was for me to do that, it was a hell of a lot safer than taking you with me."

"Not true, Buffy. We could have been just outside in case something went wrong, we could have been SOMEWHERE just in case."

"Okay, I see I'm never going to win this one, but," she stood up then and faced them both as Spike placed Angel's mug in front of him, "the fact remains that I was able to find out the information. Extra vamp activity: Slayer in town. Question: Why? Do you think she knows about me?"

"It's a possibility, Buffy. There's no reason to worry about it, I mean, you're doing her job here," Angel told her, ever the voice of reason.

"Yeah, but, she's brought with her a whole gang of vampires. I mean, they're all of a sudden crawling out of the woodwork. I'm thinking I don't want her here. I'm thinking I want her to go back where she came from and take the vampire's with her."

"We have to find out who she is," Angel stated matter-of-factly.

"How?" Buffy asked. "She hasn't been exactly out and about where we've been. You'd think we'd have run into her by now."

"Unless she does know about you and she's keeping her eye on you. Ergo, not wanting to be 'found.'" Angel pointed out.

"And obviously she's been here for quite some time to be able to have a gaggle of vampire's hot on her trail."

Buffy crossed her arms, "I'm thinking she's a very irresponsible Slayer."

Both Spike and Angel looked at her with eyebrows raised. Buffy rolled her eyes and threw up her arms, "I do one thing!"

"We're not going to find any answers tonight. We know now that it's not safe, the first thing we do tomorrow is start doing some research on this new Slayer. Who she is; where she came from. I have an old number of a Watcher I knew?I can see tomorrow if I can find out anything." Angel was in full research mode.

"You knew a Watcher?" Spike asked. "What exactly were you doing during those years we lost touch?"

Angel shrugged sheepishly. "Lots of stuff. Traveled mostly."

Spike shook his head, he was going to let it go for now. "All right."

Buffy yawned loudly. "I think the adrenaline high has left." She went over to Spike and pecked his cheek and then to Angel and did the same. "I'm taking a shower."

"Need some help, kitten? We've got four hands between the two of us!" Spike called out after her. He grinned, waiting for her response.

"Shut up, Spike!"

"That's my girl," he said softly, knowing she had to be turning red.

"Our girl now," Angel reminded him.

Spike looked up at his grandsire. "Yes, that's right. Our girl now. You all right then?"

Angel sat back, hands stacked behind his head. "I'm home. What more could I ask for?"

"I could think of a few things," Spike said suggestively.

Angel gave him a look.

Silence, then: "Are you all right?"

Spike nodded, without hesitation. "Yes. Bloody pushed you two to make up didn't I?" He stood. "Going to see what's on the telly and wait for our girl."

When he was almost to the doorway, Angel called out softly, "thanks for following tonight, Spike."

Spike smiled, "anytime, Angel. Anytime."

********
Buffy emerged from the shower mumbling to herself. She was trying to find a way to ask her two men if she could sleep with both of them. Not sex, just sleep. She didn't want to jump into the ramifications of that just yet. Her and Angel had just reconciled, she imagined they all needed to get acclimated to not only being together as a family again, but being together as a?couple didn't quite work now did it? Being together as a threesome. Yes, they had to get used to that. Sex at this point would just complicate a delicate situation. If they could make it through one night together just sleeping, she would consider it a miracle. And she wanted to, but she didn't know how to ask.

"Angel, could you and Spike sleep with me?" She asked the mirror quietly. "No, that sounds like I'm asking for sex. Okay. Spike? Angel? Could you guys just hold me while I sleep and you could sleep too and you wouldn't have to get up and go to your own rooms, you could just stay and sleep there-okay, too many words." She ran a brush through her hair, tugging at the knots and wondered why all of a sudden she was so nervous. This was Angel and Spike! How many times had she shared a bed with Spike? Yes, but not so much with Angel. She could count on one hand the amount of times she'd slept with Angel. But never in the same bed. Usually while watching TV on the couch together. She frowned, why had she and Angel never shared a bed? Because Angel was such a loner sometimes and Spike always sought out her company. Not that Angel didn't, he was just different about it. She smiled to herself. They were so different. Yet, she loved them both so much for all their differences.

Retreating from the bathroom, she was still lolling it over in her mind on how to ask them, when she entered the room and froze. There, on her bed, was Spike and Angel, bare-chested and sitting up on either side of her bed. Angel was reading a book and Spike was watching her TV. Angel didn't even look up when he asked, "you coming to bed or what? You must be exhausted."

Spike shut off the TV, "don't worry, we've got our skivvies on." He told her grinning wolfishly.

She gestured between them and made like a guppy with her mouth.

"Close your mouth, Buffy, you're catching flies," Spike said jovially.

Angel shut his book and smiled up at her, his eyes twinkling. "We knew if we left it up to you to ask, we'd be sleeping alone for the next week."

Spike patted the spot in between them. "Come to bed, kitten."

She nodded and flicked off her light, crawling from the foot of her bed to where she met with Spike and Angel. Angel pulled the covers up over them and they nestled into the bed together. She was facing Angel, so she spun to give Spike a good night kiss. He kissed her tenderly and whispered 'goodnight kitten' to her. She whispered it back and spun to face Angel who was waiting for his kiss. She leaned in and kissed him sweetly. He murmured 'I love you' and she murmured it back as she nestled herself in between them. She reached out and placed her hand in the crook of Angel's neck, almost cradling his head like a pillow with her hand. Then, she placed her other hand behind her, on Spike's bottom. He nipped at her neck, playfully and placed his arm across her waist, spreading his hand on her stomach. Angel placed his hand on her hip and kissed her forehead. Buffy smiled sappily and closed her eyes, content.