Lost Memories

She wasn’t sure what she’d expected to see on this side of the door, but she was still a little shocked by the bareness of his room. The bed itself was pretty typical of what you’d find in a hotel, complete with the ugly flowered, paper thin comforter. The walls were only slightly different than the ones in the room Cordelia had been in the last time she was here. There was nothing atop the dresser, but she did notice the lack of dust, and the carpet looked a little cleaner in here than it had in the hall, so at least he’d tidied up.

What was most startling was what sat on his night stand. Three frames holding pictures she thought she’d never see again. One was of Xander, Buffy, and herself taken the first summer they’d known each other. They were so fresh faced and young, each knowing what evils lurked below the surface of their seemingly quiet town, but still innocent and unfazed. Gods, they’d thought they could take on the world back then, and looking back, she supposed they’d been right.

The second was a picture of Dawn. It was a simple but cute snapshot of the younger Summers girl sitting on the sarcophagus in Spike’s old crypt. It was the only one of the three she’d never seen before. It was worn slightly on the edges and had a crease running down the middle. It looked as if it had spent most of it’s life folded up in a pocket.

The third she couldn’t help but to pick up and examine more closely, just to be sure her eyes weren’t deceiving her. It was a shot of her taken by Andrew shortly after her return from England. She looked wary and tired, a little sad even, but there was hope in her eyes. It was obvious that she was the focus of the shot, and even though she’d seen the picture so many times, looking at it now, with everything she knew, she noticed something different.

Behind her, the only other person discernable was Spike. He was looking at her with what might at first be mistaken as boredom, but looking deeper she could see it for what it really was. He was reclined in the chair behind her. His arms resting on his chest and his head cocked ever so slightly to the side. His lips were parted minutely and there was just the barest whisper of a smile. He was staring at her longingly, lovingly almost. She ran her finger first over the image of herself, then more slowly over just his face.

“Spike, where? How? I thought these were gone. At the time it didn’t seem so important, we were running for our lives and I had, well other things going on, but later I was so upset that we’d lost all the pictures. I didn’t think I’d ever see them again.”

He reached up to brush a single tear from her cheek and smiled.

“Somehow I knew we weren’t coming back. The night before, after……..everyone was asleep, I took a couple minutes to gather a few up, just in case. These are just the ones that are most important to me. Got some more put up. One of Joyce for the Bit and Buffy, thought they might like to have it. One of Gl-Tara, knew it’d hurt you to lose that. Also got one of Anya and one of Giles, just grabbed those cause they were the only ones of the group I was missing. Sure will come in handy as a kind of peace offering though if I ever see the whelp again.”

She was smiling her thousand watt smile under watery eyes that were threatening to really let loose.

“You really are amazing, Spike. Really amazing.”

“I was just happy they survived the burning and ensuing resurrection.”

“So, these are the important ones, huh?” She asked, still clutching the frame containing the picture of him and her.

“Yep. These are the ones that stay out no matter where I go. Had to sneak back into Wolfram and Hart the other night for them. But, I’d die again ‘fore I’d lose these.”

“I’ve never seen this one of Dawn.”

“Yeah, Bit brought her camera by one day, was playing around with it, but once they were developed I fell in love with that one. Pretty good angle, ‘course I had a stunning target. But anyway, never had anywhere nice enough to put it in the crypt, so just always carried it in my wallet.” He reached down and picked up the frame, looked at it for a second and then lovingly pulled it to his chest.

“This last year, anytime I’d wonder why the bloody hell I was staying here. Anytime I wondered why I was fighting, I’d pull this out and have a look at innocence, beauty, trust, and love personified. Always made everything a little easier, to know I was fighting to make this a better place for the Dawns of the world to grow up.”

She sat her picture down and gingerly removed the one of Dawn from his hands, placing it back on the night stand. Then, she turned to face him.

“Ok, so we both know we need to talk, right?” He immediately took great interest in his shoes, but nodded his head in the affirmative. “Before we do, there’s something I need.”

No pause, no dawdling, he met her eyes and replied simply “Anything.” It stole her breath and stopped her heart before sending both into overdrive.

“There are a lot of things I’ve got to tell you, some of them you’re probably not going to like. A couple might have me finding myself kicked out on the curb. But with what I’ve done to us, to you, in the past, I want to make sure I get it right this time. So, no lies, no hiding from reality, I’m going to leave out nothing, no matter what it costs me. But before we do that, before you have to decide if you hate me, could I just have a hug?” She held her breath afraid for some reason that he’d say no.

She didn’t have to wait long, she’d barely sucked in enough air to hold before she was against him again. This time without the lie that she didn’t remember between them and it was great. More than she ought to have but not nearly as much as she wanted.

“I’ve missed this so much. Missed you so much, luv. It was always so hard having you right there but being pretty much a stranger to you again. You don’t know how many times…………” He was crying, his tears falling onto the hand he’d placed on the top of her head.

“I’m sorry, Spike,” a little sniffle and he knew his tears would find company with hers, “I’m so damned sorry.”

“Shhh, Hush now pet. ‘S ok, we’re here now, right? I know I’m better for it, if you hadn’t done what you did, I’d still be the same bastard I was then. But, since you say you’ve got things to tell me that might make me hate you, which isn’t possible I might add, I’ve got a request too.“

She took a page out of his book, “Anything.”

“Can I please, please, have that kiss? You know, the one I was supposed to get to enjoy while you took a stroll down memory lane?” He tried to sound as confident as he always did, but the question was strained and there was a little quiver at the end that gave him away. But he didn’t get to dwell on it because she was kissing him, and it was like finally coming home.