Choices

"You want me to what?" Angel asked, dumbfounded, his mouth hanging open. Spike had to be kidding.

"I want you to come back home."

Angel pointed to the closed door of Buffy's room. "You do realize that she hates me right now, right?"

Spike shook his head, "she doesn't hate you Angel. She's confused, she's angry and hurt. She loves you still. Buffy isn't the type to just turn off her love like that."

"Neither am I. I never stopped loving her Spike-"

"I know that Angel. It's not me you have to convince. It's her. But, deep down she knows it too."

"How did you make it up to her?"

"I'm still making it up to her. She wasn't all open arms with me either. She wanted to take things slowly."

Angel nodded and sat down with a sigh. "I really messed things up, didn't I?"

"I'm not going to lie to you Angel...you did. By the way, what's going on with that Faith bird?"

Angel wrinkled his forehead. "Faith?"

"You know the bird on your arm, you ran into Buffy and I??"

His face cleared from confusion. "Oh, her. She's...not anything. She came onto me, did most of the talking. I just listened. She's the supposed girlfriend of one of my clients at the gallery. I was about to ditch her when I saw you and Buffy. I got jealous so I let her think there was something going on."

Spike smacked his back, "good job, mate."

"Don't remind me," Angel groaned. "She won't want me there, back at the apartment."

Spike nodded slowly, rubbing his chin. "Not at first. She'll be a bitch about it, but secretly, so secret not even she'll realize it-she'll be comforted knowing you're there. It'll be like we're family again. She needs that right now."

"How did you get so good at this?" Angel asked softly.

"When I figured out that I'd do anything to keep her. I'm not complete without her."

"Neither am I."

"And she's not complete without us."

"I don't know about that. Seems she's plenty complete without me."

"That's what she'll have you believe, but it's not true."

"Can you keep telling me that?"

"Hopefully one day soon, I won't have to. Hopefully, she'll be the one telling you that."

"Yeah...hopefully," but Angel wasn't convinced.

********
Buffy stomped into the apartment and marched right into her room, slamming her door. Angel and Spike sighed as they entered the apartment. They were full up carrying Angel's things that Buffy had flat out refused to help carry. She had done everything short of a full out tantrum upon hearing that Angel was coming back home. She had first yelled, then argued, then refused to speak to both of them.

Angel looked despondently over at Spike who was shaking his head.

"Maybe we should have eased her into it."

"Nope, better this way."

"If you say so," Angel was uncertain.

"I'm always right, remember?" Spike grinned.

Angel darted him a glare, "don't push it."

"Ok, ok, ok...I might not always be right. However, I'm never wrong."

"Spike," Angel said warningly.

Grinning cheekily, Spike started to lug Angel's things in the direction

of his old bedroom. "Let's go Peaches."

"Stop calling me that," Angel grumbled at him. Man, he missed being called 'Peaches'.

*******

Buffy lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling wondering if the steam coming from her ears would start the fire alarm in the building. She couldn't remember the last time she had been this angry, and being this angry couldn't be good for her health right now. Damn Angel. Damn Spike. Damn them both. Had she not been so angry, she might have laughed at how childish she was acting. Her arms were folded across her chest and she was literally pouting. She could almost hear her mother admonish her 'Buffy Anne Summers, act your age, not your shoe size!'
She stuck out her tongue at the ceiling for effect and then burst into giggles. Hey, at least she could laugh at herself, right? Once she started, she felt she couldn't stop. Her giggles turned into full out belly laughs until she had tears in her eyes. For once, they were tears of laughter, not tears of sorrow.

She faintly heard knocking on her door and tried to tell the person to enter, but she couldn't stop laughing. She turned to see Spike come through, eyebrow raised speculatively.

"It's finally happened, all right. You've gone stark raving mad." He leaned against the door and watched her as she nodded in agreement. He strolled into the room and closed the door behind him. He had that predatory look in his eye and Buffy knew that meant-- he wanted some lovin'.

She scrambled to sitting position and shook her head, holding out her hands to stop him.

"What? Why not?"

"Angel," she whispered. Her eyes widened then as Spike broke out in a knowing smile.

She shook her head vigorously then and patted the space next to her. "Forget it, it's okay. Stay."

Spike chuckled and swiftly pinned her to the bed, holding her wrists above her head in his hands. He made sure to keep his weight off her as he gazed lovingly at her. His eyes were sparkling and she smiled up at him. "You don't have to admit it if you don't want to."

She frowned, "admit what?"

"That you love Angel still."

She struggled against him. "Get off me."

"Am I hurting you?"

"No-Yes!"

He laughed and rolled to the side, releasing her. She sat up and glared at him, once again crossing her arms. This time, she stuck out her tongue at him.

"Shouldn't do that unless you're planning on using it."

She looked away from him.

"I know you won't use me that way, Buffy. It's not in your nature and that's one of the things I love most about you."

She nodded in agreement ever so slightly.

"So, you don't have to say it yet. Don't even have to admit it to yourself if you don't want to."

Silence.

"It is nice having him here though, ain't it?"

She slowly turned her head to look at him, then turned away again. Spike grinned. He had his answer. She didn't have to say a word; he knew. That would suffice for now. It was going to be baby steps for

Buffy, but he was certain she'd come around. He had been right about Angel hadn't he?

********

Chapter 38

Buffy looked over at Spike who was sleeping soundly at her side and sighed heavily. Even if she hadn't been able to give him some proper loving, it didn't mean she was willing to not sleep with him there. No way, not after what they'd been through. She didn't think she'd ever feel comfortable sleeping without Spike again.

Right now though, sleep eluded her. She was certain there were a plethora of reasons why, but she didn't want to dwell on any of them.

Sighing heavily she crawled carefully out of bed and padded down to the kitchen, the cool floor assuaging her heated body. She decided that maybe she would take the pills the doctor had prescribed to help her relax. Maybe then she could get some sleep. Physically, she was exhausted.

Filling up a glass of water, she peered out the window above the sink and spotted Angel standing on their deck slash landing. He was just staring up at the black sky dotted with bright stars. A crisp breeze of sea air wafted in, surrounding her like a blanket and she inhaled, moaning softly at how calming and sweet it was. Angel's head snapped to her and their eyes locked for a brief moment before Buffy turned away from him and busied herself with taking her pill. Angel was not to be put off though. He strolled in the kitchen, hands in his pockets.

"Can't sleep?"

She shook her head as she took her pill.

"Do you feel all right?"

She nodded.

"Are you back to not speaking to me again?"

She wrinkled her nose, "I'm not THAT immature...am I?"

"Guess it depends on the day and the mood you're in."

"Are you trying to get along with me or...?"

Angel chuckled at that and Buffy noticed that his shirt was undone at the top and his feet were bare. She could see just a hint of his hard, alabaster skin. Comfortable Angel was a Sexy Angel.

"What were you doing outside?" She asked him curiously.

"Just looking at the sky. Thinking."

"Brooding?"

He gave her a look, "thinking."

She cocked her head to the side, "about what?"

"Why there were so many vamps the other night being one."

She nodded, "there were an awful lot. More than there have ever been."

"Something's up."

She straightened. "Like what?"

"I'm not sure. That's what I was thinking about."

"What else were you thinking about?"

"You."

She looked away and slouched her posture, "oh."

"I've missed you."

She looked up at him, narrowing her eyes. "You had a funny way of
showing it."

"You're going to have to forgive me Buffy-"

"I don't have to do anything," she told him matter-of-factly.

Angel rubbed his forehead as a sign of frustration. "Like right now?
You're acting like a child."

"Then why don't you tell me how I should act so that I don't act like a child or act like I love you so that you can push me off of you and tell me how you almost fucked me."

His gaze hardened, his jaw clenched. He was mad, which was what Buffy supposed she was trying to do all along. Provoke him. For what? She wasn't sure. Maybe so she wouldn't feel so angry. Now that she haddone it, she didn't know what to do. Stay and have it out or go back to bed? Neither option suited her so she decided to go outside instead. Inhaling the ocean breeze and letting it flit around her body, she felt it cleansing the tension around her. Then, it joined her.

"I'm not going to stop loving you no matter how much you push me away."

She whirled around to him, "me push YOU away? You did nothing but push
ME away every time I tried to show you my love-"

"I wasn't ready to accept it!"

"I wasn't exactly ready to BE in love-especially not with TWO men! How the hell do you think I felt? Especially when you were the one who made me feel as if I was a tramp. You, Angel. My savior, my best friend, my confidante, the one I go to for advice was making me out to be some kind of tramp. Kind of like Faith. But when I do it it's wrong. When Faith does it it's a different story."

"I'm not with Faith, Buffy. I never have been, I never was and I never will be. YOU should know me by now, you should know that the only woman for me is you. The only woman EVER.She came onto me. I was about to get rid of her that night you ran into us, until I saw you and Spike together. I was jealous, so I let you think what you wanted."

"I'm sure. You've been around for a long time Angel-"

"Buffy," he said sternly. "You are the ONLY ONE."

She stopped, clamping her mouth shut. Then, "huh?"

He stalked closer to her, reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Buffy, Angelus had Darla. Angel has Buffy."

Her eyebrows flew off her forehead and her eyes widened. "You've been around for so long, how is it possible that you've never been with anyone else?"

"Oh, I've been with others in the sexual sense, Buffy."

She flinched at that and started to move away from him, but he grabbed her arm and brought her back to stand in front of him. "But you're the only woman I have ever loved Buffy."

"That can't be."

"It is."

First Spike and now Angel. How was this possible? Spike had Drusilla and Angel had Darla; both pre-soul. Now, they had her. Just one woman. They waited all this time to fall in love with someone special, someone to love them and only them and what happens? She falls in love with BOTH of them. She twisted out of his grasp and moved to the corner, far away from him. "Seems we have a bunch of firsts then among us then don't we? I've never been in love either."

Angel smiled, "but you are now though, aren't you?"

She nodded, "yeah."

"With Spike and I."

"Yeah," she said absently, her mind on whirl and the effects of the
pill starting to take affect.

Angel stepped closer just as what Buffy admitted seemed to have sunk in. She looked at him with wild eyes and her heart started to race as Angel softly caressed the side of her face and brought her chin up to make her look at him.

"Do you? Do you still love me?"

She pushed his hand away and stepped away from him. "I'm really tired and I need to go back to bed," she said quietly.

She heard him sigh heavily, but she didn't look back at him. She did still love him, it was the whole reason why she couldn't answer him.She still couldn't lie to him no matter how hurt she was by him.Climbing back into bed, Spike stirred and opened his eyes. "You all right, luv?"

She nodded and snuggled up to him, wrapping herself around him.

He kissed her forehead and held her close. "Love you," he murmured.

"Love you too," she told him and fell fast asleep.

********
"Buffy! I'm so glad you're okay," Willow exclaimed when she laid eyes
on her friend.

Buffy giggled as she was enveloped in a huge bear hug. "I'm okay."

"Am I hurting you?"

"Not at all. Only if you were to touch my ribs really."

Willow drew back and pouted. "What exactly happened, Buffy? When Angel called he was shooken up quite a bit and couldn't really seem to give me any details."

"Oh, uh, Spike and I were patrolling and about ten vamps came out of
nowhere."

Willow's eyes widened as she sat on her bed. "Ten?"

Buffy nodded, the image of them still fresh in her mind.

"It's okay, Buffy. You don't have to talk about it." Willow told her
gently.

"No, it's fine, I'm okay. Yeah, about ten vamps came out of nowhere. I-I got thrown against a tree pretty hard and then kicked for what felt like a hundred times. I couldn't get to Spike, he was?he was on the ground with a vamp and a stake pressed to his heart," Buffy shivered and shook her head, trying to clear the image from her mind."I blacked out. The next thing I remember Angel was there and he was telling me I needed a hospital."

"Wow, Buffy. And Angel's back home now? Are you guys okay now?"

Buffy shook her head and stood up. "No, we're not okay. I didn't want him here. Spike asked him to come back home."

"You still love him though, don't you?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

Willow bit her lip, "it's a natural thing to wonder."

Buffy didn't respond, not verbally anyway. She nodded slowly, very slowly. Willow nodded back in understanding.

"And how are you doing with everything else?"

Buffy sat on the bed and hid her face in her hands. "I'm a mess, Willow. I haven't said anything but...Wills, I'm petrified to patrol."

She whispered. "I'm more than terrified to have Spike go out there."

"I don't think any of you should go out there alone, Buffy."

"I don't know if I can go out there at ALL Willow."

"You don't have to, you know."

"I don't HAVE to, but I have to, you know?"

"Because you'd feel responsible if people started getting hurt."

Buffy nodded.

"The best way to do it is just to well, do it. Take both of them with you. I really think you should heal first though."

"I know, but Willow, I've never seen that many vamps at once in my life."

"What are you thinking?"

"Something brought them here. I don't know what, obviously."

"Can you find out?"

"I've been thinking about it. I know that Angel and Spike are probably on the case and don't want to freak me out by telling me anything, but I want to know so I can stop it."

"How though? How can you find out why there is a sudden rise in vampires all of a sudden."

Buffy chewed her lip thoughtfully. "Well, remember that bar we went to when we saw Spike with Faith?"

Willow nodded, "there?"

"Yeah, I mean, Spike goes there all the time and he's always talking about having to take out some vampire in the alley. It's a pretty seedy place and from what I've learned, the seedier a place is, the more vampire's congregate to it."

"So, you're thinking about going there to glean some information. What if you run into just as many vampire's as you did the other night?"

"I hadn't thought that far ahead yet."

"Maybe you should."

Buffy smiled at that. "The chances of a bunch of vampire's just hanging out at a bar like that are slim. I mean, usually when they travel in packs like that it's because they're out for a fight, not out for a few beers."

"Buffy, you just got finished telling me that you were afraid to go out patrolling. Now you're telling me you want to go to a bar where you know vampires hang out. I don't like the sound of this."

"I'm a walking contradiction, what can I say? I don't want to patrol. I want to investigate."

"What is the difference exactly? Because either way I'm thinking you might end up hurt again."

"Not necessarily. The difference is I'm going there to have a drink, do some eavesdropping. Hey, it's better than going to the cemetery right? I go there and just keep my ear out for anything that might shed some light on what could be happening. I mean, it could just be a freakish incident that there were that many vamps. They could be like bikers...coming in droves for an annual Fang Convention. They could have all gotten together and nominated Newport as the place to have it. Or, something is brewing and they're coming here in droves-"

"Buffy," Willow put her hand over her mouth, horrified. "What if they're here for you?"

Buffy swallowed and tried to calm herself. Just talking about it was getting her nerved up. Her heart was pounding, her palms were sweating...she was on the verge of another panic attack.

"Are you all right? You look pale."

"I'm fine...I've been, uh, having panic attacks at random since that night. Well, not really at random, mostly when I think about it."

"Buffy, how can you go and 'investigate' if you're having panic attacks? Do Spike and Angel know about this?"

Buffy shook her head, "not really. Spike knew the day in the hospital when I had one, but every time I've felt one coming on since then, I've gone to the bathroom to get myself together."

"Buffy, that doesn't sound good. Maybe you should talk to someone about that."

Buffy snorted. "Talk to someone? Willow, if I told anyone why I was having panic attacks they'd lock me up for having delusions. No one would believe me."

"You might be surprised."

"Maybe, but I'm not taking the chance."

"Instead you're willing to take the chance on going to a possible room full of vampires? To what? Have a panic attack right there in the room? They'd kill you for sure then."

"Willow!"

"Well, you're not seeing the big picture here, Buffy!"

"I AM seeing the big picture. The big picture being that something is happening here and whatever it is, it's big. And, that big something almost killed Spike-"

"And you."

"And me...but if I don't do something, if I stay paralyzed by my fear, then it could happen again. To Spike. Or Angel."

"What happened to taking some time off? To resting? To not knowing if you could do it?"

"What happened to just doing it?"

Willow narrowed her eyes. "I told you to take Spike and Angel with you."

"I guess it all depends on where my fear lies. Is it stronger when it comes to protecting myself or is it stronger when it comes to wantingto protect my loved ones? I'd say it's stronger when it comes to protecting my loved ones."

"Aren't your 'loved ones' supposed to be protecting YOU?"

"Yes, but, things change. Besides, if they went there with me, the vampires in the joint would be able to sense it. It could either blow our cover or help us. I don't want to take the chance of it blowing our cover. Then, we'd have them practically knocking on our door. No, it's better this way."

"I don't like the sound of this. I really think you should at least tell Angel and Spike."

"How about this? If I run into some trouble, I'll call them."

"Buffy, when are you planning on doing this?"

Buffy gulped, "tonight."