Lost Memories

She made her way to his room, no longer taking too much notice of her surroundings. She was thinking about Angel and the truth of what he’d said to her. It was at least partly her fault. As he’d said she was sure she could have saved Fred, as she was also sure that she could have been a great asset in the fight. But, she’d long ago learned a valuable lesson in moving on. There was no use dwelling on a past she wouldn’t change.

Could she change it? Yes. Her Goddess had bestowed a great gift upon her, she had the ability to achieve just about anything she wanted. However, with that power came serious responsibility. People were dead, but people were supposed to die. The world had been saved, yet again, and as much as the knowledge pained her, that was all that truly mattered. She wouldn’t upset the balance of the universe to save those who had willingly sacrificed their lives for the cause. They had all known the stakes when they had committed to this war so many years ago.

She found his door and reached for the knob, but then drew her hand back. It seemed wrong to enter his personal space without him there. There was a time, in the middle of their short - whatever it was- that she’d have gone on in and made herself comfortable snuggled under his covers. But she no longer shared that kind of intimacy with him and didn’t want him to think her presumptuous. So, instead of letting herself in, she lowered herself to the floor assuming the lotus position. She closed her eyes and began to take deep soothing breaths, calming herself for the confrontation to come.

She was going to tell him everything, how she really felt about him, how she’d come to remember that piece of information, how empty she’d felt without him, and right down to the blessings that had been given to her as a result of the spell she’d cast for the potentials. As least some of it, if not all of it was going to upset him. She just hoped that he’d be able to handle all of her revelations better than Angel had dealt with her mere presence.

She was really worried about Angel. She knew his soul was still intact, she’d made sure they’d never have to worry about him losing it again. But, she knew both Angel and Angelus and a few minutes ago, he’d been almost pure Angelus. The way he’d charged at her had stirred up old memories of being stalked and taunted by the evil vamp and for an instant she’d been frozen with fear. She really thought that if Spike hadn’t intervened he probably would have killed her, drained her before he even realized it.

Then Spike had said exactly what Angel needed to hear and with one simple kiss the big, scary, vampire had been reduced to tears. She was stunned by Spike’s behavior toward the “ponce”. The kiss had been enough to leave her standing there with her mouth agape, there had been nothing sexual about it. If it had been like that, it might not have surprised her so much. She knew that they’d had a relationship like that once upon a time, Spike had told her. It wouldn’t be so abnormal for them to have fallen back into old habits in the face of such great hardship.

But, it hadn’t been like that, not at all. Spike had kissed Angel so sweetly, with so much care. Then he’d carried the other man to his room. Spike would have a very hard time convincing her now that he hated Angel. She suddenly realized she was no longer alone, he hadn’t made a sound in his approach, but she always knew when he was nearby.

“Hey, how’s he doing?”


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He laid Angel down on the bed and set about undressing him. Many years ago this task would have aroused him, a few years ago it would have aroused and repulsed him. Now? Well, now he was just caring for a friend who needed him and all he really felt was sympathy.

Once he had Angel down to his skivvies, he covered him and joined him on the bed. Angel hadn’t stopped crying since the scene in the hallway. He knew how to deal with an angry, annoyed, bored, or even horny Angel(us), but a weeping Angel was a whole new world. So, he did the only thing he could think of, exactly what he’d want someone to do for him. He sat up, resting his back against the headboard and pulled the other vampire into his arms.

He positioned them so that Angel’s left arm was behind him and his right arm was across Spike's stomach. He was likewise holding Angel, whose head rested on his chest. He was soothingly running his hands through Angel’s hair and making quiet little shushing noises. He was sure that tomorrow he would regret this and Angel would be horrified by it, but tonight, well, it just felt right. It felt like he was finally doing his part to get them past this, to help them move on.

He didn’t want to rush this, he knew that Angel needed to get it all out, to finally let go of everything. But, he could still smell Willow surrounding him, could hear her heartbeat on the floor above him, and he was eager to get back to her. After all, he’d spent the last year in the company of Broody, but it had been over two years since he’d actually been in the same room with a Willow who knew him.

He held Angel for almost forty minutes before the sobbing stopped. It was another fifteen before he was sure the other man was asleep. Five minutes later and he was sure an earthquake wouldn’t wake him. He easily slipped out from under the other body. He slipped a pillow under his head as best he could. Then, because he might never get the chance again, or might never feel the desire to do it again, he laid one more fleeting kiss on his grandsire’s lips and then quietly made his way out of the room. He pulled the door closed behind him, but changed his mind and left it open just a smidgen so that he could better hear if he was needed again.

He was as silent as the night as he crept up the stairs to the second floor. It was habit for him, he wasn’t trying to sneak up on her, until he saw her sitting on the floor outside his room. She was sitting kind of Indian-style with her hands on her knees, he recognized it as her meditative pose. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing very slowly, she looked so tranquil that he didn’t want to disturb her. He stopped halfway down the hall and crouched, just taking the opportunity to watch her uninterrupted.

She was still so very beautiful. Her hair was a little darker now and he had a hunch it hadn’t occurred naturally, but whether it was a spell or a bottle, he couldn’t tell. Either way it suited her nicely, he’d loved her almost orange locks, but this look was definitely more becoming of the woman she was now. He drew in a deep breath and took a moment to absorb her unique scent. In the bar he’d gotten small whiffs of her here and there, but there had just been too may other people and smells around for him to be able to enjoy it. She still smelled the same, except now there was more spice than apple, and a helluva lot more magic surrounding her.

She jerked him out of his inner musings with a question. “Hey, how’s he doing?” He hadn’t even realized she knew he was there.

“Better, sorry about that, Red. ‘Bout how he acted and sending you off on your own.”

“That’s ok, he’s lucky to have you. If he’s better for a little while, does that mean we can have that talk now?”

“Sure,” He walked over to her and offered her his hand, “Help you up, luv?”

She playfully lowered her head demurely and batted her eyes, “Why, thank you kind sir.” That won her a smirk, the likes of which she hadn’t seen in such a long time.

“Not a gentleman love, not even with the soul, haven’t been in many, many years.” A small self deprecating snort escaped him.

“I never thought you were so bad. You always knew just how to take care of me, and that was before the soul.”