So Damn Domestic

The medical information might not be one hundred percent accurate. I'm not a doctor and I don't know anyone who is so all the information I got off the internet.
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One Week Later. FPOV


“Now you two be good for grampa Chris, ok?” I tell them as I put my jacket on. I don’t know why I’m puttin it on, it’s ninety-five degrees outside. But I really like this jacket. I got it for my birthday last year. Mattie and Addy are sittin on the couch, lookin up at me with these sad little looks ‘cause they have to stay home. They really wanted to come to the hospital with us for B’s appointment but we said no way. When these two get bored they argue, so there’s no way in hell we’re takin ‘em with us.


“Ok Mama. When you get back can we have ice cream?” Addy asks and kinda tilts her head to the side as she waits for the answer. She’s such a weirdo, but she’s great, I love her to death. She’s turnin into quite the little storyteller. Yesterday when I was tryin to get the laundry done she followed me around and told me all about this imaginary friend she has and all of the wackiness that they got into. It was all one big lie but whatever. I wasn’t really paying attention ‘cause I had stuff that I needed to do.


“If grampa Chris tells me you two were better then angels then you can have some ice cream when we get back.” I grab my purse off the end table and look down at my watch. Fuck, we’re gonna be late. “Buffy, hurry up, we’re late!” I hear her yell ‘hold on a fucking minute!’. Yeah, her language has gotten real bad the last couple of days. She feels really crappy now and she’s sore all over most of the time ‘cause her joints are startin to loosen. I cried almost everyday when that happened to me. But B isn’t bein depressed about it. Nope, she’s being bitchy, but we’re doing our best to put up with it, although Addy is talkin back more then normal.


“Ok, I’m ready,” she says in a sweet voice. She has a Jekyll/Hyde thing going on and it’s kind of creepy. One second she’s bitchy and mean and you don’t wanna be around her, and the next she’s the sweetest most affectionate person on the planet. Yeah, she’s never getting pregnant again, that’s for damn sure. Three’s enough, I think after this we should both get fixed. She walks over to the kids and gives each other them a hug. “I will see you guys,” she gives Addy a kiss on the head. “In a few hours ok?” She gives Matthew a kiss on the head and takes a step back so she can look at both of ‘em. “Be good for your grampa Chris ok?” They both sigh and let out a very bored sounding ‘we will’.


“Alright B, lets get the fuck outta here.” And before any of us can move I hear my dad come out of the kitchen and he looks a little annoyed.


“Faith Isabelle Lehane,” he says in a very stern voice. What the fuck did I do? I look over at B and the kids for some kind of support or somethin but all three of ‘em have the same look on their faces. This look that says ‘someone is in trouble’ in a very singsong type of voice. And they’re all tryin not to smile. “Watch your language young lady.” And he isn’t jokin around or nothin, he’s completely serious.


“‘Young lady’? I’m thirty-two years old.” And then he smiles and starts laughin a little. I guess the look on my face was funny or something. Ya know, when he told me he was moving here, I thought it would be great. I figured we could build a relationship, hangout and stuff like that. I didn’t really think he was going to treat me like a daughter. I thought this would be more of a friends thing, but nope. It has been bad, he’ll just do little things like that. He’s never said my middle name when doing it and I know B is gonna give me plenty of shit about it. Yeah, we’ve been together for years, we’re married now and she didn’t know my middle name. I was supposed to take it to my grave, but I guess the cat’s outta the bag.


“You’re funny, very funny. You should do stand up ‘cause you’re so fuckin funny.” He stops laughing and gives me a very stern look. I look away and the kids start giggling. I glare at them just like my dad did to me and Mattie stops giggling but Addy doesn’t. I glare at her a little more but she starts laughing on purpose, forcing it out just to make me mad. She likes to test me, and it’s getting irritating. “Ok, B, lets go. I guess we’ll be the only ones getting ice cream, ‘cause our kids are being little brats.” They both look horrified. That’ll teach ‘em to laugh at me. “I’m just kidding. You two be good, I mean it.” They nod their heads and me and Buffy leave.


I help her walk down the steps and she tries to shrug me off the entire time. But I worry, ya know? She’s bigger now then she ever was with Mattie, her balance is off a lot and I really don’t want her to fall. She’s been stubborn throughout this entire pregnancy. I keep telling her to take it easy, that the laundry can wait a day and the bathroom doesn’t have to be spotless. But she’s fighting me and I keep telling her that she can hurt herself or that baby but she’s being stubborn. What is it with Summers women and them being so damn stubborn? I guess Dawn has been acting the same way.


“Faith, get off me, I’m not a fucking china doll.” I know that, but would it kill you to let me help you get in the car? Fuck, what is her problem? I understand the hormones, and the bitchiness but I wasn’t like this. Even when she was pregnant with Mattie she let me help her up and down stairs and in and out of the car. Now she’s sayin she’s not a china doll or whatever. She slams the car door closed and I try not to sigh or act pissed even though I am a little. I get in the car and start it up. I pull out of the driveway and we make out way to the hospital.


I am really excited about this visit. We’re findin out if the baby is gonna be a boy or a girl. I’m rooting for a boy. How cool would it be to have another little boy? Now that Mattie is more into playing with his friends I think it would be cool to have a little four year old who wants to rough house with me and play baseball and football and all other kinds of sports. I do that with Mattie still but he gets embarrassed when I try to participate with him and his friends. For a while there I was the embarrassing mom who tries too hard. Yeah, I know, how horrible is that? I thought I’d never turn into that and for two weeks or so I did. And he didn’t wanna hurt my feelings so he went to B about it and she told me that it would be better if I back off a little.


Addy likes to play sports a little but not as much as Mattie and she’s only three so it isn’t as fun ‘cause she can’t catch the ball yet. She’s not into the girly stuff too much and she tries to act more like a boy, especially around Mattie. But I think she’s doin it just to impress him. She likes wearing skirts and dresses and things like that but she wants to act tomboy. I don’t know what it is with her and idolizing him. Do all younger siblings do that? I’ll have to talk to Dawn. I know for a while there she wanted to be just like me but Joyce put a stop to it when she started to dress a little too sexy for her age.


“And it’s not like I can’t do things by myself. I mean, I’m only six months along, and sure I’m bigger then I was with Mattie, but that’s just normal. Most women get bigger with their second pregnancy.” And the bitching begins. I try to ignore it whenever it starts but sometimes she says things that I probably should pay attention to, but whatever. She’s pissed and there’s nothing I can do about it so I might as well just keep my mouth shut and let her rant ‘cause that’s the only thing that will make her shut up.


I remember our very first fight. We were dating for three months and everything was going great. Nobody thought it would last that long, including me, but that didn’t really matter. All that mattered was we were finally together, like we were supposed to be from the beginning. At least I think we were. Anyway, we were both in really bad moods and she was on a tear with the ranting. I finally got so sick of it I started gettin a little bitchy too and we ended up screaming at each other. I kicked her out of my apartment and told her if she knew what was good for her she’d stay the fuck away. We didn’t talk to each other for five days. Dawn was the one who finally brought us back together. She told me that Buffy was finally happy again, after being so emotionally detached and everything ‘cause of bein ripped out of heaven, and if I didn’t want to wake up on fire I’d come to my senses and apologize.


And for a while there Brat was gettin into the magic. Casting spells and stuff like that, becoming pretty powerful, but she never indulged in it like Red. She only did the magic if she needed to and she didn’t make it an extra curricular thing. But we had Red to work the big mojo so Dawn was never in any danger of overdosing on it, and that’s what B was flippin out about. That’s the reason she was on the tear so bad that day. She found some spell books and herbs and shit in Dawn’s room and confronted her about it and they fought, and then B came to me to rant about it but I was PMSing at the time so I wasn’t really capable of listening to one of her rants.


“I’m not saying that I don’t need help doing some things. It’s hard for me to bend over and stuff, so bathing Addison is almost impossible and doing laundry is getting to be pretty hard but I feel fine. I haven’t had any pain or anything so there’s nothing wrong.” Did she really just fuckin say that? Five bucks says she just jinxed it. Ok, I’m going to stop paying attention now because she’s talking about Dawn and how annoying she has become. Brat is pregnant with twins, they found out about it two days ago and she called up Buffy and was all excited but that changed really fuckin quick once the reality set in. Now she’s worried all the time and she calls the house a lot needing to talk to Buffy.


I understand it completely. She’s scared and feelin overwhelmed and she really needs someone to talk to. Someone whose already been through a pregnancy. It’s different with twins though. It’s twice the demand on your body, twice the stress and fear of becoming a parent. She joined some type of support group or whatever for pregnant women with twins but she could really use her sister right now. Some of the time she has to settle for me. B will be too busy being bitchy to talk to Damn rationally. I can usually comfort Dawn, convince her for a while that everything is gonna be ok and no matter what her friends and family will be there for her but she isn’t entirely convinced.


Finally we’re at the hospital. That was the longest car ride of my fuckin life! B finally shuts up now that we’re in front of other people. I shut off the car and she gets out and I don’t help her but I stand on the passenger side of the car just in case she needs me. She may not want my help but if she needs it she’s gonna get it even if she hates me for it. That’s my baby too, and I’m not about to let her put our baby in danger just because she’s as stubborn as an ox, or however the saying goes.


Now we’re waiting in the lobby for the doctor finish...whatever it is she’s doin. We’re at the same hospital where Addy had her surgery but for some reason B doesn’t want to see Dr. Montgomery anymore. I don’t get it, she seemed nice enough, she comes very highly recommended, and she helped make out baby girl better. But B doesn’t want to go to her anymore, so I’m not gonna push the issue. If B is uncomfortable around her I’m not gonna try and convince her to go. The doctor we’re seein now is just as good but she doesn’t have as much experience with the surgery aspect of it.


“Faith and Buffy Lehane, the doctor will see you now,” the nurse says and we stand up, it takes B a little longer especially since she won’t let me help her up. But we’re led to the room where the doctor is waiting. The first thing she does is takes B’s blood pressure and then a blood sample. Every time she gets an exam they do this, but whatever. It’s to make sure that they’re both healthy so I guess I’ll just sit back and relax until they get to the part that I really wanna know, the sex of the baby. “Ok, this is going to be cold so just try and relax.” She puts some of the jelly stuff on B’s stomach and she shivers ‘cause it’s cold. I hated that stuff when I was pregnant with Addy.


I look up at the monitor when she puts the probe thing on Buffy’s stomach and moves it around a little. The first thing we hear is the heartbeat and the doctor makes the comment that everything sounds very strong and healthy. Then the image appears on the screen. The doctor lightly presses down on B’s stomach and the baby moves around a little bit. It kicks and then rolls over, which is what she wanted. It had it’s back to the probe so there’s no way we’d be able to see what it’s got between its legs. The doctor smiles and looks over at us.


“You’ve got yourselves a little boy.” Wow, a boy. Another little boy. I’m so excited I think I’m about to burst. I sit down in the plastic chair is scoot closer to Buffy. I hold onto her hand and we keep lookin at the monitor. I gently rub the back of B’s hand with my thumb. A little boy. He is going to be so spoiled. I wonder what he’s gonna look like. Will he look like Mattie, or will he look more like B? I hear the doctor say ‘hmm’ and I look over. She has a very...serious look on her face. She moves the probe a little lower. What is she looking for? Is there something wrong? What’s wrong with our baby? “Mrs. Lehane, have you experienced any vaginal bleeding lately?” B looks over at the doctor and she looks a little scared.


“I had some spotting yesterday, not a lot. I thought it was because I worked a little harder then I normally do.” She’s been going out of her mind because she can’t slay and to make up for it she’s been doing housework almost none stop. I kept telling her to slow down, but she hasn’t listened to me. I’m trying really hard not to be mad right now. If her housework is the reason there’s something wrong...it’s going to be really hard for me not to be mad.


“Mrs. Lehane, I’m afraid you have what’s called complete placenta previa. Now normally the placenta is higher up in the uterus and you’d have to push it out after you give birth.” We’ve both had kids so we both know this. “But in your case, the placenta is low in the uterus, so low it’s completely covering your cervix.” Well that can’t be good. It doesn’t sound good. “That means it’s blocking your baby’s way out of your uterus. There is a very small chance that the placenta is going to move, but there is some hope that as the uterus expands it will unblock your cervix. If it doesn’t you’re going to need a cesarean section. You’ll be put on an epidural only with a stronger dose then normal, and you can be awake during the procedure and your partner can be in the room if you both want.” We’re both quiet for a few minutes and B looks over at the screen.


“But my baby is ok? He’s not hurt or in any danger?” she asks and puts her free hand on the side of her stomach where there’s no jelly. Her voice sounds so strained, and I know she’s tryin so hard not to cry. I hope she doesn’t start ‘cause if she does then I’ll start too.


“He’s fine for the time being. You’re going to have to go on a pelvic rest, which means no sex of any kind. Sex can cause premature labor, if your cervix dilates with the placenta over it the placenta will tear and you can start hemorrhaging and both you and your baby could die.” Ok so no sex. It’ll be hell but we’ll do whatever it takes to make sure B and the baby are safe. “I’m also putting you on bed rest. Strenuous activity can cause the cervix to thin out or dilate a little and even just a little bit can cause spotting or extremely heavy bleeding. I’m also going to recommend that you increase your intake of iron to compensate for any blood loss.” Bed rest? B’s going to go insane. “I want you to come back in seven weeks for another ultrasound and come in immediately if you have any more bleeding, ok?” Buffy nods her head yes, but she’s pretty out of it. I don’t think she’s really paying attention.


“Thank you, doctor,” I say but I don’t really know why. I’m in shock I guess. Buffy could die, our baby could die. I don’t understand. Why is this happening? The doctor sighs and shuts off the ultrasound machine. Today was supposed to be a happy day. What the hell did we do to deserve this?


“There’s more, I’m afraid.” More? What could possibly be worst then what she’s already told us? “After you’re given a c-section, and you mostly likely will, you’re given a drug called Pitocin, which causes the uterus to contract and it stops the normal bleeding that women get when they have cesarean after the placenta is taken out. But the lower part of the uterus, where the placenta is now, doesn’t contract as well as the upper part, so the contractions are not as effective at stopping the bleeding. And because the placenta is so low it may not separate easily after delivery, and that’s called placenta accreta. Placenta accreta can cause severe bleeding you may need a hysterectomy and a blood transfusion.” Wow, so it is worst.


“I won’t be able to have any more children?” B sounds like she’s about to break down. I scoot the chair closer and gently stroke her hair. I pull her hand up to my mouth and leave a little kiss on the back of it. She looks into my eyes and she looks so...devastated. I guess she really did want more then just three. When our relationship was still new and we did the whole ‘when I was little I used to dream about...’ and she told me that she’s always wanted four kids. She said the sex of the babies didn’t matter, but she wanted four and she wanted to plan it so she could have one kid in almost every stage. Like, one teenager, then an adolescent, and a toddler and a baby.


“It’s a risk, yes. I don’t mean to upset you, Buffy.” Usage of the first name, that’s never a good sign, especially with a doctor you don’t know very well. “But you need to be aware of what’s going on and what can happen. You need to understand the gravity of the situation.” She nods her head yes and a tear leaks out of her right eye. I reach over and lightly brush it away. “Now, I need you to sign some consent forms, just in case you go into premature labor and we have to do an emergency cesarean.” We nod our heads and she hands me some paper towels and she leaves the room to go get the consent forms. B’s too busy trying not to cry so I wipe up the jelly stuff as best I can ‘cause my hands are shakin a little, and I gently pull her shirt down. And now we’re sittin in a very heavy silence. I hate silence, always have always will.


“Do you want me in the room with you during the c-section?” I can’t think of anything else to say. I guess that was the wrong thing because she’s braking down now. She’s crying really hard and I’m trying my best to comfort her. I’m practically lying in the chair with her and I’m holding her and rubbing her back and lightly shushing her but nothing is working. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so useless in my entire life.


BPOV


The car ride home is silent except for Faith’s nervous thumb tapping against the steering wheel of the car. She’ll tap both thumbs and then there’s a split second pause before she does it again so it’s like tap-tap...tap-tap...tap-tap. I can’t believe this is happening. Everything was supposed to be fine. Everything was finally perfect. I guess perfection doesn’t last long for me, never has if you think about it. I feel a little embarrassed for breaking down like that, especially when the doctor came back in the room and I couldn’t stop. She had to get me a glass of water because I was starting to dehydrate, and it took me thirty minutes to calm down enough to sign the papers. If felt like I was signing my soul away...it’s hard to explain.


Tap-tap...tap-tap...tap-tap. When the doctor told me what was happening...it was probably the worst feeling in the world. Probably just below how I felt when I thought Addison was killed by that demon a couple years ago. Now I feel empty, hollow, but it’s filling up with fear and anxiety, but the doctor said that might happen. I’m afraid for my baby. She said that he’s fine for the time being. For the time being. That means something bad can happen to him.


He could die, or be born with a very low birth weight or something and that can cause complications. Like if they have to take him out of me if I start bleeding and can’t stop, his brain won’t be fully formed and he could be mentally disabled for the rest of his life. Or his lungs might not be developed enough and he’ll have to live in an incubator at the hospital until he’s big enough. Tap-tap...tap-tap...tap-tap..tap-


“Will you knock that off?” I can’t help but yell and sound like a total bitch. She apologizes but I’m not paying attention. I’m looking out the window and watching the bright lights of the city and all of the people that are walking around. Some of them look happen but a lot of them don’t. They look like they’ve been up all night and they lost everything trying to win big. This is Vegas after all, a lot of people go bankrupt trying to win a lot of money. I guess you gotta spend money to make money, or however that stupid saying goes.


I don’t understand. Today was supposed to be such a great day. We’re having a boy, a little baby boy and I should be happy, but I’m not. It feels a lot like the months after Willow brought me back from heaven. Some things were happening that I should have been happy about, but I had to fake it. I had to pretend to be happy so they wouldn’t worry but it took so much energy out of me and they would notice and worry even more. I’m just so glad that I don’t have to pretend. I’d probably die of exhaustion. I am going to have to act a little though. I can’t let Matthew and Addison see how badly this is affecting me. I don’t want them to worry about me or the happy. They’re just little kids, they should be happy and play and run around and all the other things that happy kids do. But I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle this in front of them. I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to keep that mask up. Tap-tap...tap-tap.


“Faith stop!” I scream and the car serves hard to the left but she gets control. Thank God she decided to take the back roads instead of the freeway or that would have caused an accident. I tighten my grip on my stomach when I feel the baby move around. I haven’t let go of my stomach since I got in the car. My little baby boy might die and there’s nothing I can do about it. “I’m sorry for screaming, but I just...will you turn on the radio if the silence is getting to you?” She nods her head and reaches over and turns it to her favorite station. She keeps it low so I’ll be able to drown out the noise. I don’t want to hear anything right now.


Right now I just wanna go home and crawl into bed and never get up again. I want to be left along, in silence so I can suffer quietly. I don’t want to be around anyone and I don’t want any noise. I want to go away to my own little world for a little while where things aren’t as bad. I want to pretend that everything is going to be ok. I want to be in denial for at least a couple of hours, that way maybe I can be happy for just a few minutes. Maybe if I can make myself pretend that everything is normal then I can be happy that I’m having a baby boy. A little baby boy.


Maybe I can do what I did when I was pregnant with Matthew. I can lay in my bed and stare down at my stomach and gently rub it and think about all the things I’m going to buy. All of the clothes for one thing. With Matthew I bought a lot of blue, but I think for this baby I’m going to go with dark green. I can buy a new basinet that has dark green lining and I can get a lot of dark green blankets. Just lots and lots of dark green. I don’t know why but I just feel like this baby is going to look good in dark green.


I should also start picking out some names. When Matthew was still inside me I thought we were having a girl so I picked out a couple of girl names, but I never got to use them and Faith was so stubborn about Addison’s name, but that’s fine because it’s a really pretty name and I love it. So what am I going to name this boy? I’ve always liked the name Donovan...but something about that feels a little off. I don’t know. He doesn’t feel like a Donovan. Maybe I should just wait until I can talk it over with Faith. When I was pregnant with Matthew we used to talk for hours about baby names. Mostly all of the names that she wasn’t going to let me name our baby. Like Gertrude or Margaret. But I think we should wait until he’s born. Maybe I’ll know what his name is when I’m holding him in my arms and looking into his little eyes. If I get to see him. Giving birth to him could kill us both, or just me, or just him.


“Buffy.” Huh? What? I take a look around. I must’ve really been zoned out because we’re in our driveway. “We’re back. Do you need some help getting outta the car?” I might as well not fight her anymore. I nod my head yes and unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door but I don’t move. She wants to fuss over me then let her. I don’t care anymore. I’ve been fighting it because I’ve felt controlled, like she was just trying to do things her way, but doing things my way hasn’t worked so I guess I’ll just let her take the reins now. I don’t care. I don’t know why but I just can’t make myself care anymore.


I look up when I see her shadow fall over me. She holds out her hand and I grab onto it. She puts her other hand on my upper arm and gently helps me out of the car. I lean against her a little bit because I need to feel her. I want to be alone but I want her with me at the same time. It’s a very strange feeling and I want it to go away. She closes the door and uses the little control on the key chain to lock the car. We walk up the driveway and up the walkway to the porch and she helps me up the stairs. I can hear the kids laughing inside, they sound so happy. I don’t want to be around that. I don’t want to be around happy people when I’m so miserable.


“Why don’t you just go change into your pajamas and get in bed? I’ll talk to the kids, ok?” she asks and gently rubs my arm. She hasn’t touched my stomach since the doctor told us about my...complication. All I do is nod my head. I’m feeling a little numb and I don’t really know what to do, it’s good that she’s here to give me direction. Besides, once I lay down I’m probably not going to get up again. The doctor said bed rest and when Faith asked about it when I was filling out the forms she said I can get up to use the bathroom and take a bath but that’s it. Other then that I have to stay in bed.


She unlocks the door and slowly opens it. I don’t think the kids have noticed because they’re still laughing and playing whatever it is they’re playing. She steps aside to let me in first and I slowly walk into the foyer. I take my coat off and hang it on the rack. I slowly walk into the living room and see what’s going on. Matthew and Addison are playing twister, Chris is one spinning the little spinner thing. Addison tilts her head back and she sees me.


“Mommy you’re back!” she yells out and smiles and I should feel happy that she’s glad to see me, but I don’t. All I feel is the fear of her running up to me and trying to give me a hug and bumping into my stomach and something going wrong. So before her or Matthew can stand up straight I rush out of the room. “Is Mommy mad at me? ‘Cause I was good, Mama, better then a angel, like you said.” She sounds so upset and I do care, I really do. I want to run back in there and give her a big hug and tell her that I’m not mad, but I can’t force myself to do it. Because the fear of something happening to the baby is greater then the need to comfort her. So I got into my bedroom and change into some pajamas and crawl under the covers.


What am I going to do? How am I going to survive this? Three months on bed rest...I don’t think I’ll make it with my sanity intact. How is everything going to get done? With Faith in school and no one else around to help me how is the housework going to get done? Who’s going to mix my breakfast and lunch? I normally don’t eat until after Faith leaves for school and I want her to still go but I don’t think she’s going to be able to. I mean, I need her here. I want her to get her GED because it’s so important to her now but if she doesn’t stay home then who’s going to take care of everything?


Ok, I need to stop thinking about this. I don’t want to think about anything serious right now. I just want to go far away from here, not physically but mentally. I wanna be catatonic like I was after Glory took Dawn, but I want to go to a happy place. I don’t know if you read this or not, I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it to you but Faith once asked me if I’ve ever wished I was still in heaven since I’ve been with her. And right now I can honestly say that I do. I want to get rid of these feelings. The fear, the anxiety, the desire to just curl up in a ball and hide away from the rest of the world. I want to be back in heaven where I was safe and warm and loved. Where things weren’t scary or hard. I just want to be happy again. Things were so much better a couple hours ago, why can’t I get that back?


I hear a small knock on my bedroom door. I look over when I hear it creak open. Faith is standing there with the kids. They look a little...upset and Addison looks a little scared. I sniffle and wipe my eyes. When did I start crying? I look down at Faith’s sides and she’s holding onto their hands. She slowly walks into the room and leads them in, they’re both holding onto her hands so tightly that they’re turning red. She sits down on the edge of her side of the bed. She’s facing me, her calves are dangling over the edge and the kids crawl up on either side of her. Addison sits in her lap and Matthew sits a few inches away from her back. I sniffle again and sit up in the bed and rest my back against the headboard.


“Come here,” I say softly and hold out my arms. They both slowly crawl towards me and I wrap my arms around them as best as I can. Addison is leaning against my chest and it hurts a little bit because my breasts are constantly sore but I don’t mind. Matthew is by my stomach and he’s looking down at it with a lot of confusion on his face. He reaches out with one hand and gently touches it over my shirt. He’s hesitating though, I can tell he wants to put his whole hand on it and not just his fingertips. So I reach out and gently put my hand on top of his and press it down against my stomach very softly. “What did Mama tell you guys?” I say softly and they look at Faith and then at me.


“She said somethin in your tummy is makin you sick and you have ta stay in bed. And she said you’re not mad at me you’re just sad cause my baby is sick.” I smile a little and give her kiss on her forehead. I reach out and run my fingers through Matthew’s hair. He has gotten so big. He used to be just a tiny baby, crying every two hours so he could eat. Well, snack. He never ate much in the beginning but after the first four days when he was hungry he’d spend forty-five minutes on my breast and most of the time I’d have to switch him over to the other one. Once I started him on the bottle he’d have three almost every time. He had a very healthy appetite for a slayer.


“Did she tell you the good news?” I ask and they both shake their heads no. I look over at Faith and she slightly shakes her head no and scoots a little closer to us but she’s keeping her distance. “The baby is a boy.” They both get these big smiles on their faces and Matthew lets out a little laugh. He’s always wanted a little brother and now he’s getting one. Hopefully, if everything from here on out goes right then he’ll be getting a little brother. Addison told me a couple weeks ago that she doesn’t care if it’s a boy or a girl she just wants the baby to hurry up and come out.


“What are we gonna call him?” Addison asks and gently touches my stomach. She’s a little hesitant too, so I reach over with my other hand and put it over hers and gently press it down against my stomach. I feel the baby move around a little bit and I guess they can feel him too because their eyes are getting really big. “I feel him movin, Mommy.” She sounds so awe struck I can’t help but smile.


Even though this moment is very sweet and cute all that I can’t help but feel a little detached. Like I’m watching this from a third person point of view. I can pretend all I want that nothing serious is happening to me, and I can ignore it, but that won’t do me any good. And seeing them being so happy because they can feel the baby, and seeing them so happy because we finally know he’s a boy...it’s making me a feel a little worst. Like I’m getting their hopes up or something because something bad can still happen and we can lose him. Faith sees that I’m starting to get a little upset and she comes to my rescue.


“Ok guys, it’s time to go.” That’s a weird way to word that. I give her a questioning look and she gets the ‘oh, I forgot to tell you’ look on her face. “I figured we could both use some rest so my dad is gonna take ‘em back to his place until tomorrow.” I nod my head yes and give Addison a big hug and a kiss on top of her head. She hugs me back and when she pulls back she gives me a little kiss on the cheek. I can’t help but smile. She hardly ever does that to anyone but Matthew. Faith reaches over and pulls Addison into her lap. I look at my son and he scoots closer to me and I wrap my arms around him.


No matter how big he gets or how much of an adult he becomes he’s always going to be my little boy. My little baby boy that I held in my arms even though I was so tired I felt like I was going to pass out. And I looked down into those little brown eyes and I knew that right then everything in my life was going to change and I wasn’t scared or overwhelmed. I was glad. I was so happy. Because I knew that there’s nothing I could do in this world that will make me feel more fulfilled then just looking down into those eyes and seeing the life that Faith and I brought into this world. And then Addison came along and I have double the happiness. Only it’s a little different with her. The feeling isn’t as strong, probably because I didn’t carry her inside of me. I try not to think about it. I don’t love one more then the other, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I guess it’s just a little too hard for me to explain. I give Matthew a kiss on top of his head.


“I’ll see you two tomorrow ok?” They nod their heads yes and Matthew holds onto me a little tighter. Addison crawls forward and gently kisses my stomach over the shirt, right above my bellybutton. She whispers something, but I can’t hear what she’s saying and then she scoots up closer to me and gives me a hug. “I love you,” I say to Addison and give her a kiss on her cheek. “And I love you,” I say to Matthew and give him a kiss on the cheek. For the first time in a long time he doesn’t wipe off the spot where my lips were. “Be good for your grampa Chris, alright?” They say they will and they give me one last hug before they get off the bed and leave the room. Faith leans over and gives me a little kiss on the lips before she leaves the room.


I sigh a little and rest my head on my pillow. I lay on my side, facing Faith’s side of the bed. I look over at the nightstand and I see a picture of us. It’s the very first picture that showed us acting coupley. Willow took it when we weren’t looking. We’re sitting on the of Willow’s old apartment in Shasta Lake. I wasn’t feeling very good, I was getting a cold, and Faith let me sit on her lap and she gently rubbed my back and in the picture she’s giving me a little kiss on my forehead.


We were so young then, in our early twenties. I was…twenty-two when Sunnydale collapsed, so she was twenty. She’s always taken such good care of me. Even in the beginning of the relationship when we were still figuring everything out, when we were getting to know each other as more then just friends and slayers. That’s where I want to be. I want to go back to that. I want to feel secure again. Even if it’s only for a little while and even if it’s only in my mind, I still want it. So I close my eyes and I try to remember everything about that day so I can relive it inside my head.


FPOV


“I love you guys,” I say as I wrap them both up in a big hug. They hug me back and I give each of ‘em a kiss on the temple. “I’ll call you before your bedtime to say goodnight, ok?” They nod their heads yes and I pull back. They pick up their bags and sling ‘em over their shoulders. I stand up and give my dad a hug. He leans down so my chin is resting on his shoulder. “Their bedtime is at eight-thirty, knowin them they’ll probably try to talk you into letting them stay up later.” He gives me a little kiss on the cheek and I smile.


“Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of ‘em,” he says and pulls back from the hug. I know he’s going to let them stay up later. I just gotta gut feelin about this one. He used to let me stay up late sometimes and we’d watch the lame late night T.V. shows and make fun of ‘em. And he’d make me hot chocolate and tell me stories about his childhood and growin up in Missouri. Oh yeah, they’re gonna love having a sleepover at grampa Chris’ house. I give each of ‘em one last kiss before they leave and as my dad pulls out of the driveway the kids start waving to me from the backseat of the car. I smile and wave back and stand there and watch until they’re out of sight.


Things were supposed to be so much better then this. I feel like it’s my fault. I’m the reason the spell fucked up. Ok, so I’m not the one that scared Red almost half to death but…the spell she was working on was changing an inanimate object into a real one. She was trying to turn a toy rabbit into a real one and she was going to let it go in the forest. And that morning B was feeling a little frisky so I wore the strap on under my pants so I could surprise her with it later. When we got hit with that large blast of magic it turned the strap on into the real thing. And I can’t help but feel like this placenta prev…whatever it is B has is a consequence for it. Ok, I need to stop thinking about this, it’s going to drive me insane if I do.


I stand in my bedroom doorway and look at B. She’s lyin on her side with her eyes closed but I know she’s not sleeping. She’s gently rubbin her stomach with her right hand. This is the first time since we left the hospital that she’s looked…peaceful, I guess. I’m not too sure how to describe it. She looks like she did before we found out about the complication. I wonder what she’s thinking about? I have no idea, and as much as I wanna know, I don’t want to disturb her. I don’t want to pull her out of wherever her mind as wandered off to. So I turn around to leave. Maybe there’s somethin on T.V. that will help take my mind off this.


“Faith?” I hear her say and I turn back around. She’s looking at me with a small smile on her face. I guess she was able to hold onto the happy feeling even though she’s left the happy place. “Will you lay with me?” I slip off my shoes and put them next to the dresser and crawl under the covers. She puts her head on my shoulder but the rest of her body is kind of at an angel facing away from me. She can’t get too close because her stomach is so big.


“What were you thinking about?” I ask and give her a little kiss on the forehead. This whole ‘not being able to have sex’ thing is probably going to drive me insane. We usually can’t last more then a week, how the hell are we going to last for three months? And I can at least get myself off if I’m desperate enough, B can’t even do that. The doctor said that her havin an orgasm could make everything a whole lot worst.


“Our first time,” she says and giggles a little. Yeah, that could put a smile on just about anyone’s face. I give her another little kiss on the forehead. “Do you remember the song that was on the radio right after we finished?” Yeah I do. It’s the song that I used to sing to her all the time, and then I just sort of stopped. I don’t know why. It’s the same one I sang to Addy when she had that bad ear infection. She shifts her legs around a little and I nod my head yes.


“Do you remember all the words?” Again I nod yes. “Will you sing it to me? You used to sing to me all the time.” Make me feel guilty why don’t ya, jeez. I’ll let it go because being mad at her right now would be fucked up ‘cause of everything she’s going through. I gently pull away from her and turn on my side so I’m facing her and I give her a little kiss on the lips. I tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear and hold onto her hands. I give her another little kiss and look into her eyes and I start to sing the first verse. I don’t have a good singing voice, but it doesn’t matter to her.


“‘I never understood before. I never knew what love was for. My heart was broke, my head was sore, what a feelin. Tied up in ancient history. I didn’t believe in destiny. I look up you’re standin next to me, what a feelin.’” And now the chores, “‘What a feelin in my soul, love burns brighter then sunshine. It’s brighter then sunshine. Let the rain fall I don’t care. I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine. Suddenly you’re mine, and it’s brighter then sunshine.’”


And now the second verse, “‘I never saw it happening. I’d given up and given in. I just couldn’t take the hurt again, what a feelin. I didn’t have the strength to fight. Suddenly you seemed so right. Me and you, what a feelin. What a feelin in my soul, love burns brighter then sunshine. It’s brighter then sunshine. Let the rain fall I don’t care. I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine. Suddenly you’re mine, and it’s brighter then sunshine. Love will remain a mystery. But give me your hand and you will see, you’re heart’s keeping time with me.’” I finish off the song with the chores and she has tears in her eyes. I reach up with my hand and gently wipe them away. I lean in and kiss her deeply and we melt into each other.


“Try to get some sleep ok?” I ask and she nods her head. I wrap my arm around her the best I can and I rest my forehead against hers. We close our eyes and I gently rub her side and leave little whisper kisses against the skin right in between her eyes. I stop when I feel her eyebrows scrunch up a little. I can’t help but smile. Now I know where Addy gets it from. I hold her until she falls asleep. I pull back a little bit and she mumbles somethin about marzipan and quiets down again.


I slowly scoot down the bed until I’m eye level with her stomach. I very carefully unbutton her shirt and open it up so her stomach is exposed to me. I gently run my fingers over it. She was freakin out a few weeks ago because of the stretch marks. She didn’t get any with Mattie, but she has a lot with this one. I rub lotion on her everyday and she loves it. I always put the bottle in the fridge for ten minutes so it’s nice and cold. She likes cold.


“Ok kid, I know you probably can’t hear me ‘cause I have to be quiet, but I need ta say this anyway. Up until now you’ve been livin a pretty sweet life. It’s nice and dark in there, you’re floatin around in a bunch of warm fluid, and all your meals come to you. But you gotta start pullin your weight now. You have to be ok…you just have to. There’s no other option here. She can’t take that kind of hurt, I don’t think she’ll be able to get over it, so you have to do everything you can to be ok. It isn’t so bad out here. You have a big brother and a big sister that are dying to meet you. The person you’re living in is going to spoil you until you can’t stand it anymore. You’re already loved by a whole bunch of people, and you don’t wanna miss out on that, trust me.” I kiss the skin right above her bellybutton and Buffy mumbles a little and moves her legs around. This baby has to be ok, because I don’t think either of us will be the same if he’s not.


BPOV


What the hell? When did I fall asleep? I know Faith said that I should try but I wasn’t really going to. I was going to wait until she fell asleep and then stay up and just think. About what, I have no idea. And where is Faith? I don’t feel her. I open my eyes and she isn’t lying next to me. But on her pillow is a piece of paper. I pick it up and quickly scan it. I’ve always loved Faith’s handwriting. It’s a lot girlier then I thought it would be. She uses a lot of swirls and stuff like that. And whenever she writes me little notes like this she always draws little hearts on ‘em. She’s such a girl, even if she doesn’t want to admit it. Anyway, the note says, ‘B, went to get some dinner I’ll be back in a little bit. I left your iron pills on your nightstand so take ‘em and drink the entire glass of water. I’ll know if you’re lying so just do it. Love, Faith’.


I roll my eyes and crumble the note up and toss it in the garbage basket that’s next to the dresser. She shoots and…she scores! Buffy Summers wins the championship…haaaaaaaaah. That’s supposed to be the sound of a roaring crowd, but whatever. I roll over onto my other side only I move a little slower then I normally would. Why is my shirt unbuttoned? What the hell? Did I do that in my sleep? It wouldn’t surprise me, I’ve done some strange things in my sleep. I put the two very gross tasting pills in my mouth and down the entire glass of water. I let out a long ‘aahhhh’ when I finish and set the glass on the table.


Ya know, if I didn’t have to do this for a bad reason, I could totally see myself getting used to this bed rest thing. People pampering me almost non-stop, tending to my every need, putting up with all my bitchiness…yep, this would be the life if I weren’t so afraid for my baby’s life. I prop my pillow up against the headboard and lean against it so the wood won’t hurt my back. I gently rub my bare stomach and I can feel the baby moving around a little bit. He isn’t kicking, just rolling over.


“I think your name is going to start with a J,” I say even though I don’t think he can hear me. But who knows, maybe he can. “It can’t be James because that’s your brother’s middle name. I was thinking maybe…Jamie. No…that sounds too much like a girl’s name. But it is a boy’s name too.” I rub my stomach a little more and look over at the alarm clock on my nightstand. It’s almost six o’ clock, I wonder how long Faith’s been gone. “But what middle name is going to go with Jamie and Lehane?” That’s a very good question. Maybe I should leave it up to Faith. I hope she’s open to the name Jamie but I’m sort of falling in love with it.


I hear the front door open and then close. That must be Faith. Either that or someone found the spare key under the ceramic bunny and is braking into my house. Ok, Buffy, you’re just being paranoid. You live in the middle of suburbia, there’s no way in hell someone’s gonna brake into your house. Then again this is the perfect neighborhood for one of those stories to start out ‘it happened in a small town where nothing like this ever happened before’. Alright, I need to stop thinking about it. If I don’t think about it it’ll just go away. The door slowly opens and I can’t help but tense up for a second. But then I see Faith, holding a very large plate of food and a little brown paper bag and I relax. She looks over at me and smiles.


“Good you’re awake. Did you have a nice nap? It sounded like you were having a very good dream,” she smiles a little devilish smile and closes the door. It’s still a little light outside but she turns on her table lamp anyway because it’ll be dark soon, and I do the same. I tell her that I don’t remember the dream even though I do. I dreamt about our first time together. Feeling her clit against mine for the very first time, her telling me how good I feel against her…that’s something I’m never going to forget. “Whatever B, I recognize that look in your eyes, you remember, so don’t try lyin. Anyway, for dinner tonight we have roasted chicken breasts, carrots glazed in a caramel sauce, stuffing with little pieces of turkey, some apple slices, and for dessert.” She puts the plate down on the bed in front of us and pulls a large container out of the bag. “Strawberry yogurt.” It’s a pretty good spread, I gotta admit. “PJ sends his love.” So that’s where she got it.


“Thank you,” I tell her and give her a little kiss on the lips. “For everything, thank you.” She says ‘no problem B’ then sets the bag down on her nightstand and picks up the plate. She reaches behind her and pulls two forks out of the bag and hands one to me. I was wondering why there was so much food on this plate. There’s no a lot of variety, but the quantity is pretty large. We’re going to be sharing a plate tonight. And everything smells, looks, and tastes great. Maybe we should order food from PJ’s more often. He used to cook for his wife when she was pregnant with Ian, and he read a lot of nutrition books and stuff like that so he knows what is healthy for a pregnant woman and what should be avoided at all costs.


“Did you drink that entire glass of water or did you pour it down the sink?” she asks and looks over at my nightstand. Why does she think I’m not going to drink the glass of water? It’s not like I hate drinking water. I drink plenty of it everyday. So I just tell her that I drank it all and I eat another carrot. “Good, that’s good.” Then there’s a silence, but it isn’t awkward or anything. I like spending quiet time with Faith. When there’s no need for words and you just sit together and enjoy each other’s presence. It’s really nice. But I guess she isn’t feeling the same way tonight. “So I was thinkin about some names.” Really? So was I. “For a middle name, I think Charles would be good.” Jamie Charles Lehane. I love it. I absolutely love it. I just hope she does too.


“What do you think about the first name ‘Jamie’?” She says what I expected her to say which is ‘isn’t that a girl’s name’. “Yeah, but it’s a boy’s name too. It means James in some other language. I can’t remember which one. So, what do you think?” She takes another bite of chicken and slowly chews it. She’s stalling; I know she’s stalling. She only chews this slow when she’s trying to avoid talking. Then she swallows the bite and takes in a deep breath and lets it out really slow. “Faith?” She looks over at me and I guess she’s decided on what to say.


“It’s a nice name, it is, but lets not decide on anything right away alright? I mean, we might hear a name tomorrow that we’ll both love equally.” Makes sense, but I really don’t think I’m going to be changing my mind about this. We finish our dinner without saying another word to each other. It’s that comfortable silence thing that I was telling you about. And when we finish all the food on the plate she puts the forks on top of it and puts the plate on the nightstand. Then she reaches into the bag and pulls out a spoon. She opens up the container of yogurt and scoops up a pretty good sized bite and holds it out in front of me. She wants to feed me, this is her trying to be romantic, and I gotta say, it’s working pretty well.


It’s good bad we can’t have sex because if we could she would so be getting some after this is all gone. Hell, I’d probably let her eat some off of me ‘cause she likes to do that sometimes. I don’t know how I’m going to survive the next three months without being with her. It isn’t just the physical release that I’m going to crave but the emotional closeness that I feel whenever we come together. Hopefully I won’t go insane. I have no idea how she’s going to deal, especially after slaying. She’s going to be taking a lot more hot showers, that’s for damn sure. But it isn’t just about her getting off. She needs to touch me too. If she doesn’t get to feel me she can get pretty cranky, and it isn’t pretty. I just hope we don’t drive the kids insane with our bitchiness. ‘Cause if we have to go without sex for three months we’re going to through supermodel level hissy fits and no one is going to be safe.