Quantum Xander II: In Wake of the Curse

Part 33

We’re on our way home. I gotta say I’m glad Wills didn’t do that to me on purpose. I missed my best friend, and finding out that she only wanted to help me get over having to stake Jesse - it’s a load off my mind. It was still wrong, but she realizes that now, so it’s done. No more feeling bitter and hateful towards Willow.

Angel’s soul is secure; we didn’t test it, but I know it is. Still, he plans on coming down to remedy that after Spike and I finish our bonding. I don’t know when that’ll happen, but it will likely be soon. I have mixed feelings about that. I want him, no doubt there, but I still can’t help but feel I’m betraying my Spike by doing this. Plus, there is the fact that Spike even admitted he’s never bottomed for a human before. He made it sound like it was something he wasn’t interested in changing either. I don’t really have a problem with that, I enjoy it either way, but if this is going to be a long term thing between us - and from what I understand about mates, it is - then it needs to be on equal footing. Something we’ll have to talk about sooner or later.

Then there is Angel. Christ, when he first twigged to what was happening - and I will so be having words with Spike when I get back, I mean he could have warned me - he was furious. I had to resort to whispering things in Gaelic to him just to get him to let me go! It’s a good thing he’s a predictable vampire - Spike says he always gasps out the same phrases during sex. It was enough to get him off of me and give me time to explain a few things.

So much has happened. I don’t even know where to start. Cordelia was possessed by a … not real sure what she was, but damn, was she ugly. Willow helped me to cast her out of Cordy, and with no host body she just sort of… fizzled out. It was kinda gross. Oh, and Cordelia’s not preggers anymore now, either. Turns out the thing was trying to give birth to herself. Yuck!

The green guy - Lorne - gave me some good news. He knew of a spell that will bring my Spike back. It calls for some really out-there ingredients, though. Not the least of which, being blood of the sire, the subject and the sorcerer. So, Angel, Spike, and I assume the sorcerer is me. That I can do. I have Angel’s blood - he was really good about giving it to me after what Willow and I did for Cordelia; I’m pretty sure that Spike will give me his blood, and I already have my own. It’s the other stuff that’s gonna be difficult. I mean, the powdered Racashka’s horn alone is going to take time to track down. I don’t care, though. I have a way to bring him back now. Finally, he’ll be here with me the way he should have been all along.

The only thing that worries me is how is this going to work? I love my mate and I missed him so much, but now I have this other Spike and he’s my mate now, too. I don’t want to hurt him. I love him, as well. How is this possibly going to work? I know that my Spike said it’d be fine, that everything would work out in the end, and I believe him, but it’s the beginning and the middle that has me concerned. Spike is very possessive; both of them are. And with this Spike having a soul, he’s so damaged right now that I’m afraid anything that my Spike says or does to him could hurt him. It’s no secret what my mate thinks about having a soul, and then there is the whole “falling for a slayer” thing.

I should just go and buy myself a black and white striped shirt. I’m going to be playing referee quite a bit, I can tell. I mean the idea of being in the middle of them sounds good in theory, but not when it’s going to be to keep them from killing each other.

Then there’s the ring. It belongs to Spike. I gave it to him and I wouldn’t even think of taking it back, but what about this Spike? I mean, doesn’t he deserve to walk in the sunlight too? How are Spike and I ever going to enjoy a day out in the sun knowing that he’s back at the apartment -or worse, at Buffy’s - trapped inside?

I kinda wish this had never happened. Not because I don’t love this Spike; I do. It’s just that suddenly my life is way more complicated than I ever thought it would be. I mean, the gay thing took me by surprise, the Spike thing was even more of a shock, but two Spikes? One souled and one chipped? How am I supposed to deal with this?

Thank God Willow is a better driver than Buffy. I need this time to sort things out and I would never let Buffy drive my car on the freeway. We’re probably an hour away from Sunnydale now. Faith is coming back with us since there is no big evil in L.A. that needs her attention right now. And hey? First Evil? I’m thinking there’s no such thing as too many slayers!

So, all I need now is for Cordelia to come on down, and then I can sit around with all my past lovers in front of my current one. Gee, uncomfortable much? But Angel says Faith has changed, and from what I’ve seen, I believe him. I just hope Buffy can accept her; we need the extra muscle and I’m a firm believer in second chances. If Angel and Spike deserve another chance, why not Faith?

I keep coming back to Willow. God, if I had just told her everything in the beginning, I could have saved myself so much grief. How is it that the demons in my life know more about human relationships than I do? I mean both Anya and Spike told me that I should talk to my friends, tell them everything and get it sorted. But not me; no, Xander has to hold onto a grudge and let it fester. I can be such an ass at times. I hurt Willow. I didn’t trust her, and I let my suspicions harden my heart against her. Thank God she loves me.

She’s pretty forgiving, my Willow. She told me she didn’t blame me, that if it had been her, she might have reacted the same way. After seeing her go all “Evil Willow” in that one reality, I really hope that that is a side of her I never see in this Willow.

Faith is being pretty cool about the whole thing. Even the “Spike as my mate” part. I think she has her ideas about Angel and me, as well. She gave us this weird little grin when we came out of the office and later she made some cryptic remark about Sunnydaler’s getting all the hot vamps. If she only knew!

Wills and she are chatting away in the front seat. Discussing the First, Angelus, Cordy’s possession and pregnancy. Faith told her about the dream-sharing with Angelus, and I gotta say I laughed at the puppy rescue. Only Angelus would consider that a nightmare. Although, I have to admit, the Angelus I met - the one that tortured Riley - was nothing like the crazy fucker we all knew and hated when he was loose in Sunnydale. He was different, more in control. Spike said he used to be like that before the curse. Now, he’s just crazy. But maybe not as crazy as we think. He did take out the Beast after all, ended the no-sunlight issue. It’s a moot point now though, what with Angel’s soul being permanent.

That’s the other thing. Before the spell, Angel was all “I don’t want to know about you and me” and after? He was all hands and lips and “Welcome to the family”. I mean, what’s up with that? Maybe he’s channeling his inner demon? I should have had Tara or Willow look over the spell for me. I think I might have blended a bit of Angelus into Angel’s personality; either that or the man was a horn-dog before he was turned. I’ll have to ask Spike about that. What Liam was like before he ran into Darla and met death at the end of sharp, pointy teeth.

Then again, maybe bringing Angel up when Spike and I haven’t even had the sex yet is a bad idea. He’s still sore about Angelus taking Drusilla away from him, and about the fact that Buffy still loves Angel. He might get a bit… Angry? Growly? Possessive? I don’t want to be the cause of any more of his pain. Maybe I should tell him what Angel said, about being over Buffy. It might help. Then again, do I want to offer any false hope? Plus, hello? Mated to me now? How the hell would he and Buffy ever make it work when he belongs to someone else?

I don’t think I’d be very good about it either. Just the thought of the two of them together now makes my stomach twist. I can feel my anger and jealousy rising to the surface. I have to remind myself that it isn’t real, that there is nothing going on between them. That they weren’t… together while I was in L.A.

Damn this bond thing is hard!

Xander closed his book with a sigh and watched out the window as the dark scenery blurred past them. He was looking forward to going home, but at the same time, he was dreading seeing the Welcome to Sunnydale sign. He wondered if Willow would let him drive now? He kinda wanted to run the sign down on his way into town, sort of a tribute to his mate. Both of them.