Choices

Deciding last minute to pick up a few of her things before heading back home to Spike, Buffy went to Willow's.

As soon as Buffy walked in and Willow got a good look at her she was asking what had happened. Buffy relayed the story while Willow wiped away her tears with a tissue.

"I'm going home to Spike," Buffy declared.

"How do you mean? Going home to him as in going to see him or moving back in with him?"

"Moving back in with him."

"I think that's the best thing to do. Not that I don't like you staying here, but I know the only reason why you stayed here when you and Spike got back together was because you didn't want to hurt Angel further."

"Right. Now I know he's just an asshole," Buffy burst into fresh tears. "That's not my Angel. I never thought I would say that about him. He's not an asshole, he's really not Willow. I wish you could have known him, I mean really. He's so kind and has such a generous heart..."

"I know Buffy, I know."

"No, you don't really know. Angel has always been there for me. He's just the best guy. My mom made us family when she was alive and when she died Angel KEPT us a family. He was always there to clean my wounds while Spike would go off and fight off whatever demon had hurt me to begin with. Then Angel would just pick me up and train harder so that I could never get hurt again."

"Buffy, he's--"

"I know, I know. He's hurt." She jumped up. "Well he can have her and he can go off by himself then and hate me, hate Spike, hate himself for all I care!!"

"You don't mean that," Willow said quietly.

"No, I don't," Buffy said softly, her voice barely a whisper now. "But it would make me feel better if I did."

********


Spike watched in confusion and fascination as Buffy and Willow managed to carry in the more clothes than any person should own, more shoes than Payless and more bags full of stuff than Buffy probably knew what to do with.

"Are you going to help?" Buffy grumbled at him through the bag strap she was biting in her mouth.

Spike quickly moved to help the girls carry Buffy's things in. Buffy went straight to her bedroom to drop the things off and Willow carefully dropped the things on the counter.

"What's going on? You kicking her out?" Spike asked, his defense automatically up for his girl.

Willow smiled sadly and shook her head. "No, I really think Buffy should be the one to let you know."

"What's going on Willow?" Spike demanded.

Willow sighed. "All I can say is that she had a run in with Angel today. He wasn't very nice."

"Um, Wills? Could I talk to Spike alone please?" Buffy asked meekly, entering the kitchen.

"Of course! Call me later."

"Thanks, Will."

Buffy sat down, elbows on the table, her hands fidgeting in front of her.

"Okay, kitten. What's going on?"

Buffy reached for a napkin and began to shred it. "I feel weird telling you."

"Why?"

"Because I kind of made out with Angel behind your back?" She said meekly.

The words settled over him and he sighed, letting them sink in. "It's okay. Buffy, look at things we've done 'behind Angel's back'."

"Good point. I just...I still feel weird about it."

Spike sat down and reached across the table, taking her hands in his, stopping the poor napkin from further abuse. "Kitten, look at me."

She looked up at him. "You love me, I know you do. I asked you to tell me what your fantasy was for Christ's sake. If I wasn't okay with the concept of you and Angel, I wouldn't be here right now. I love you Buffy and I will take you anyway I can."

"You don't think I'm a whore for loving you both?"

Spike's expression darkened. "Is that how he made you feel?"

"It was um, pretty hot and heavy. He had his hands on my breasts and mine were on his bare chest. He stopped when I told him I loved him. He asked me what you would think if you knew that he almost 'fucked' me."

"He said that?"Spike gripped the edge of the table so hard he thought it was going to break.

"I wouldn't have though, Spike. I wouldn't have slept with him. I told him that I couldn't do that without you with us. That I wanted both of you there with me." She rushed to explain. "I was just so relieved that he was actually giving me some love and affection, that he was displaying emotion at all, that I just took whatever I could get. Which, I suppose does make me a whore."

"Dammit Buffy, you're not a whore!" Spike shouted and slammed his fist on the table.

"Aren't I? I didn't stop him. How many times have I stopped you?"

"Buffy, you've been way more intimate with me than you have with Angel. You've stopped me out of respect for Angel, out of your desire to be with both of us. You love him and I get that. If Angel wasn't so emotionally challenged, you wouldn't have to be made to feel like a whore."

"He's never been exactly forthcoming with the emotions and the telling of how he feels," Buffy muttered. She stood and started to pace, gesturing wildly. "I know how he is, how he doesn't just easily give himself. So, when he does, I go a little nutty." She stopped. "For the record, I meant what I said before. That night I told him how I felt, I wouldn't have had sex with him. I just...I wasn't thinking. I was thinking--which contradicts what I just said--was that I just figured out I was in love with him too and I felt so guilty for it because of you and I thought, well, I'm going to lose both of them, I might as well go out with a bang. I wouldn't have though, Spike. You believe me, don't you?"

She looked so scared and small that Spike immediately grabbed her and pulled her onto his lap, wrapping himself around her in a protective embrace. "I know, kitten."

"I just don't know what to do. I love you both so much...and Angel...he hates me now. I lost him. I've never been in love before, Spike. I don't know how it goes. I do know that you're only supposed to love one person at a time, not two. So, if I mess up, if it feels like I'm not giving enough, it's not because I don't feel it because I do."

"I feel that you do," he whispered against her cheek and kissed her.

"What do I do now, Spike?"

Spike sighed heavily. "I wish I had the answers, Buffy. I really wish I did. I just don't know."

"I want to hate him."

"But you can't."

"No, the dumbass. I love him too much to hate him."

"Fine line between love and hate."

"Then that explains the blinding rage I feel at the same time too."

"No guilt for moving back in?"

She shook her head. "Nope. None. And not just because I'm angry and hurt by him either. Because he's made it clear he doesn't want me, he's not coming home. It's not fair to either of us to hold out for something that will never be. Our lives must continue."

"Can you say that again? Like you mean it?"

She shook her head sadly. "I'll try, but I don't feel it yet."

"He's a stupid fool for giving you up."

"Just do me a favor?"

"Anything, luv."

"Don't go see him a la protecting my honor, ok? Just let it go."

"I told you to do that, remember?"

"Jealousy blinded me."

"Sucks, doesn't it?"

"I'm sayin'."


********

Buffy tried not to count the days and nights as they went by since she had last seen Angel. She tried, but it didn't mean she was successful at it. She was trying her best not to dwell on it. She alternated between hating Angel and crying over him. She hid the fact that she still cried over Angel from Spike though. She didn't want him to feel as if he wasn't enough and that she wasn't happy with him. It was a tough, strange pickle she had gotten herself into. To make up for the fact that she felt like the world's worst girlfriend, Buffy went out of her way to tell Spike everyday and to show him in large and small acts just how much she loved him. Of course, being Spike, he returned her love ten fold.

The subject of sex hadn't come up and Buffy knew that Spike understood it was going to take time for her to get to a place where having sex with Spike didn't equate cheating on Angel in some way. It was a silent understanding and for that Buffy was eternally grateful.

If Spike had been protective of her patrolling before, it was nothing compared to now. At times, Buffy wondered why she even bothered to go out at all. Many times she had been left twirling the same stake she had left with, without a bit of blood or dust to taint it.

"You know Spike," she told him casually as she watched him dust himself off from the latest vampire, "I don't know why I come along. Really it's like I'm just out for a stroll and I watch you work."

He tossed her look, "who just goes out for a stroll in the cemetery?"

"Ghost hunters? And the more obvious...vampires?"

"I meant OTHER than them, Buffy. Have you noticed there are more vampires as of late? Or is it just me?"

"There have been quite a few more, although if you'd let me, oh, I don't know, STAKE one once in a while it'd probably feel like less for you."

"Are you saying I'm acting old?"

"Spike, are you really asking me if I think you're old? Hello, you're over a century old! You were alive during the Industrial Revolution...during the Civil War...the CIVIL WAR, Spike! Yes, you're old. Acting old though? Depends on what I'm leaving the house wearing that day. Then you get all Victorian on me."

Spike burst out laughing and she couldn't help but laugh with him. Her eye caught on something in the distance and her mouth went dry.

"What is it, luv? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Remember how we said there seemed to be more vamps than usual?"

"Yeah," Spike spun around to where she was staring off. If possible Spike paled.

"Here comes the Calvary," Buffy murmured as at least ten vamps came gunning for them.

Chapter Thirty Four

"Buffy, get behind me," Spike ordered, already starting to push her behind him.

"No, Spike. You can't take on this many vamps alone and I'm not going to let you!"

He spun to her, grabbing her shoulders. "Buffy Anne Summers, you listen to me right now, you are not going to die here tonight! I will not let them get to you, now go!"

"You listen to me William! I'm not letting anything happen to you either! I'm staying to fight."

With a growl of frustration, Spike shoved Buffy behind him and took his stance to fight. Gathering the strength from the Earth, Buffy summoned up all the energy she could muster and concentrate on as she faced the vampire's heading their way. It sent a chill up her spine and she forced herself to focus. This was not how she imagined the end for herself and Spike.

Gathering up the energy, she held a sphere of yellow light in her hand and flung it at the oncoming vampires. It knocked back one and then three, like a domino effect. That would slow some of them down at least.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw one lunge at Spike whom he was able to stake rather quickly as another one tackled him to the ground, catching him off guard through the dust that sprayed around them.

Spike shouted her name as one came at her, claws and fangs bared. She ducked from his grasp and swung her legs under him, knocking him on his back to the ground. Quickly staking that one, she could sense that one was behind her, poised for attack and she rolled on her back and sprang to her feet in one quick motion. She checked to see how Spike was doing as he grabbed the back of one vamps head and used it to crash into its buddy, knocking them to the ground. Another came, they just seemed to come and come, and she hit it with all her might, sending it flying against a tree. A broken tree branch effectively staked it.

She spun to see Spike on the ground wrestling with one, a stake between them and dangerously close to Spike's chest. Fear gripped her and she felt as if she were running in slow motion as she started after him. Just before she reached the vampire on top of Spike, she felt the sensation of being lifted. She turned her head to see a particularly ugly vampire--not to mention particularly strong--grabbing her by the back of her shirt. Her shirt bunched up at the neck, cutting off her air and as she flailed, she was thrown like an elastic band. Her back hit a tree with a loud THUD and the back of her head slammed into it from the force of impact. Her stake had gone flying, and as she slumped to the ground on her stomach, she felt hazy. She could still see Spike struggling with the same vampire and as she tried to inch her way to her stake. It was proving fruitless considering the pain she felt in ever limb, every bone, muscle and cell in her body. She was a limp rag doll trying to find a way to her salvation. She knew she was done for when she felt a kick to her stomach knocking the wind out of her.

A second later, her world went black.

********

"Buffy, Buffy, wake up. Please Buffy wake up." A deep familiar voice was begging with her, waking her up with its constant stream of begging.

She shook her head, white dots forming behind the blackness. She moaned in protest; all she wanted to do was sleep.

"Goddammit Buffy, open your eyes!" Another voice barked at her. Her eyes shot open then and met with chocolate brown ones that could only belong to one person.

"Angel?" She croaked. The next thing she knew she was brought up against his chest, much like the rag doll she felt like. He was clutching her to him and she could feel tremors running through his body and wetness on her neck. Angel was crying.

"Am I dead?" She managed hazily.

"No, you're not dead Buffy. Thank God."

"Spike?"

"Right here luv," and she could feel his cool hand touch hers. She lifted her eyes to see him standing, bruised and bloody, behind Angel. He had tears in his eyes and he gazed upon her as if he couldn't believe she was alive.

Her mouth felt like cotton balls had been stuck in it and her limbs felt like mush. She could move them, but the effort of it was too much to even try.

Angel adjusted her so that he could inspect her. "How do you feel, sweetheart?"

Sweetheart?

"I hurt. Everything hurts."

He scooped her into his arms without a word and stood. All she could do was stare blankly at him. "We're going to a hospital and get you checked out, okay?"

All she could do was numb, her mind not registering what was actually happening. She twisted her head to Spike and he nodded at her. Her eyes scanned the place where the largest battle of her life had just taken place. Dust piles were scattered all over and just before she passed out again, she thanked whomever was listening that Spike had not been among them.


Spike and Angel paced in opposite directions as they waited for the doctor's to come and tell them something; anything. Angel was still
shaking from what he encountered when he got to them. It wasn't just the size of the vampire army that shook him, it was the sight when he
got there: Buffy on the ground, unconscious and Spike with a stake pressed to his chest. The love of his life and his grandchilde--his
Family--in danger. It shook him to the core and Spike's words came back to haunt him. "Buffy is fragile because she's human with a dangerous job. Forever isn't an option with Buffy's life span. I'm not going to let my insecurities of losing her to you stand in my way of being with her...We were brought together once before because of Dru. We then hada common bond--a soul. We never did get our shit together to mend those fences that were so broken before. Then, we were brought together once again. For Buffy. She needs us. BOTH of us. . . I'd rather it be you than some shmuck off the street...Don't wait too long, you don't want to lose her."

Despite everything that he and Spike had been through, despite how much they could argue and fight with the best of them, despite the fact that Buffy loved him--he was still his grandchilde and he loved him. He was Family. He liked to think he was partly responsible for this new and improved Spike. The patient, do-anything-for-you-without-selfish-motives Spike, the Spike who respected him enough to tell him that he was going to be with Buffy no matter what. The Spike who had given him the heads up that he should have listened to.

Truth was, he was responsible for a minimal amount of Spike's growing. Spike had always had humanity in him, it was something Angelus had hated about him and Angel had been suspicious of--mostly because he knew what lecherous things Spike was capable of. Especially in their hay day's before the souls. Spike had been right; god, he'd been right about so many things! One of which was that they had been throwntogether time and again and there was a reason for it. The two that could barely stand each other had been given another chance by Buffy.She needed them and she was the only thing they had ever agreed on. Buffy. The girl currently undergoing x-rays for possible broken ribs,internal bleeding and whatever else had gotten hurt. Angel had been seized by a horrible feeling as he had been in the gallery talking to Richard. It was so sudden, just this horrendous feeling that the both of them were in danger. He had run out, not giving any explanation to Richard at all. He'd found them almost immediately and the animalistic demon within him had gone into a rage. He had rushed to the vampire's beating her already broken down body and attacked them with a vigor not previously seen before. He snapped one of their heads off, rippedout the dead heart of another and slit the throat of the third. Then, he'd gone to Spike and ferociously attacked the vampire trying to stake him. Spike hadn't questioned him, just accepted the hand that was offering to help him up and they finished off the remaining vamp's before attending to Buffy. Holding her limp body in his arms, Angel knew then and there that Spike was right and that nothing else mattered.

Not that he hadn't already been thinking that it was fruitless to stay away from her; she was a drug to him and each time he'd seen her since that fateful night at the gallery, had been one more dent in his resolve to move on without her. How could he do that? How could heever leave not just the woman he was sworn to protect, but the woman he loved more than his unlife? He couldn't. He'd been barely living without her anyway. He worked, slept, ate and that was pretty much the extent of his life. He kept to himself even more without Spike and Buffy there to make him go out, to make him socialize with them. He missed her everyday, even found himself missing Spike. He missed how Spike would egg him on about something and Buffy would rush to his defense.

Spike stopped walking suddenly and stared him down, his expression grim. "I told you." He stated simply.

"I know."

"You're a right bastard for putting her through that."

"I know."

"You made her feel like a whore."

"Were you better at it?"

Spike glared. "I got over it."

"So now you're busting on me because it took me longer to do exactly what you did?"

"I still was with her when she patrolled. I didn't wait until she almost died to realize I couldn't be without her," Spike was so angry,he was shaking.

Angel winced, unable to say anything to that.

"Whatever she wants, that's what you?ll get. Understand?"

Angel nodded mutely.

The doctor burst through the door and then abruptly stopped his advance on the two concerned vampire's. (He wasn't dumb; he knew things). Things looked intense between the two and he wasn't sure if he should wait until the moment passed. However, both heads swiveled to him and he had the go ahead. He opened his mouth to speak when he was bombarded with questions.

"How is she?"

"Is she bad off?"

"Is she awake?"

"Is she going to be all right?"

The doctor smiled, "she's going to be fine. She's hurt. She's got two cracked ribs, but no internal bleeding. She has stitches on the back of her head and there is a large egg that is of concern so we are keeping her tonight for observation. All in all, she's a lucky woman. From the looks of the two of you, there was quite a fight."

Spike and Angel traded looks but said nothing.

"She's not awake right now, but she's stable if both of you would like to see her."

Both jumped toward the doctor and he led them down the hall to her room. Opening the door he ushered them in. "Will either of you be
staying here tonight? I can have a cot brought in."

"I will," Spike burst out. "I'll be staying."

Angel frowned, but said nothing. Spike had the right to stay.
Besides, Angel was probably not the person she'd want to see when she woke up.
"All right. I'll keep the curtains drawn," the doctor replied and left the room, leaving two shocked vampires.
Both turned to see their beloved lying so small on the hospital bed.
Spike moved quickly to her side, sitting on the bed and taking her hand in his and kissing it. "Kitten..." he murmured.
Angel was having a hard time keeping his emotions in check. He'd almost lost the girl. She almost died. Despite all her power and her
strength, she was still fragile enough to die. It shook him to the core and he tried in vain to suppress the sob building in his chest.
Spike looked over his shoulder at him. "Bloody scary ain't it?"

Angel nodded, blindly wiping the tears that were streaking down his face."If you're going to stay, you can take the chair," Spike mumbled as he gazed back at Buffy.

When Spike finally went to the bathroom to wash up, Angel approached the bed and occupied the space Spike had left. He pushed her damp hair from her face, seeing the faint traces of blood that hadn't been washed out. Her breathing was steady, her heartbeat normal. She was pale, with a jagged cut above her eyebrow, the top of her right cheek bright red with a scrape. Angel knew that was only the tip of the bruises, cuts and scrapes on her body. Taking her hand in his he brought it to his lips and kissed her palm. "I'm so sorry," he
whispered into it, letting the sob come. "I'm so sorry. I love you so much sweetheart. Buffy, I need you. Please...forgive me." He repeated the mantra over and over until he felt Spike place a firm hand on his back.

"Get some rest."

"We almost lost her," Angel cried.

"I know. She needs us to be strong now. You heard the good doc, she's gonna be all right. I wager she's going to be mighty upset when she
awakens though. Have to be strong for her."

Spike leaned over and kissed her forehead softly, murmuring a quick 'I love you,' before tiredly climbing into his bed. Angel slunk to thechair in the corner and just watched her until he could no longer keep his eyes open.