Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me

It had taken him over two hours to dress, get his weapons together and leave the house. He still didn’t feel all that rested -- dreaming of your friends' deaths and going crazy would do that for a person -- and this new…thing he had made everything seem different, imbalanced.

Spike had told him stories about Drusilla during their time together. From what Xander could understand, she’d only been a little bit crazy before Angelus came after her. Not enough to send her to Bedlam, but enough so that her folks were willing to send her to a nunnery just to keep the family from being embarrassed that their daughter saw and heard things no one else did.

And lucky me, Xander thought, I get the full on crazy and not the half price one. Stupid gift with a no return policy. Like he wanted to hear the fricking stars or whatever it was that was whispering in the back of his head.

If it had been safe to walk around town with his eyes shut he would have. He didn’t dare drive the car; he’d gotten in and started the engine and the sound of it was just too much and it had a color and that was so freaky he’d jumped out and nearly fallen over his feet.

So he was walking, and it was getting close to sunset and he didn’t have time but oh god it was hard to concentrate, hard to be in the here and now when there was all this stuff running around in his head. He had stopped to rest on a park bench and had gotten a flash of sex/lust/hunger/death, and the mental picture of a vampire seducing someone and feeding from them on it and he’d jumped up as if he’d been burnt.

He really tried not to touch anything after that.

He had managed to call Cordy and tell her…well, he wasn’t sure he told her anything really coherent at the time. Hell, he could barely remember the phone call. He just told her to have everyone meet in the Library and to get the word out among the kids that the mall was not the place to be tonight.

And if anyone had control over who went to the mall, it was Cordy.

So now he was trying to get to the damn Library, and was almost there. He’d picked up a rock from the ground at some point in time and was gripping it in his fist. He’d gotten no psychic flash from it, and the jagged edges kept digging into his palm. It hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt because it helped keep him focused.

He only hoped the blood running from his hand didn’t attract anything nasty.

“Xander!” Willow’s voice came from behind him and he whirled around a bit unsteadily. For a moment, he wasn’t sure if he was dealing with a real Willow or a previous Willow only he could see or an imaginary Willow.

He really hoped he figured this thing out before he started talking to dolls like Drusilla had. Or worse still, the TV set. Because he could handle a lot of crazy things but not having a conversation with Barney.

“There you are! I was worried when Cordelia called me. Us. Are you okay?”

The hand on his arm was warm and solid so he guessed this was the real Willow. Even if she wasn’t, if he didn’t talk to her she’d pout and he couldn’t handle imaginary Willow pouts any better than he could real ones.

And he was sure that thought would have made sense if he'd had more sleep. Or better yet, a Crazy to English dictionary. Maybe he should have stopped at a bookstore?

“Okay? Umm, me? No, not okay, so not okay but it’s really complicated and I just want to tell it once. Well, I know for a fact I’m going to have to tell it over and over because I’ve seen, but I’d like to have the whole gang together first. Umm, did that make sense?”

Willow laughed and tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear. It was weird because he could see the color of her laughter and it was a light purple that seemed to match her shirt. Better not mention that right now, though. “Oh, Xander, you never make sense. That’s why I love you!”

“Okay, good, then that means this won’t be so different now, will it? And that had better be platonic love, missy. I thought we discussed this whole me being gay thing already.”

They were walking towards the entrance of the school and Willow still had her hand on his arm so he could feel the sharp stab of pain he was causing his friend.

“I’m okay if you’re okay.”

“No, you’re not, Wills, but thanks for lying. That’s sweet.” Willow stopped and looked at him oddly and Xander shrugged. “Don’t worry, you’ll do good with Oz for a while, he’s a good guy.” Behind his eyes there was a flash of long blonde hair and a shy smile. “Hey, and if not you can always switch teams like I did. I’m sure you’d love a busty blond!”

He grinned and rocked back and forth on his feet. Hopefully, this seeing weird stuff wouldn’t be too bad if he could see good things as well as the really scary stuff.

Willow gave him another odd look. “Okay…now I see what you mean about not making any sense. Hey, have you seen Angel? He’s been missing since last night and we’re all worried.”

Xander knew his face just shut down and he all but growled. “No, I haven’t seen the bastard and I really hope we don’t. It’ll take a while to explain.” He looked around and noticed how dark it had gotten. “Come on, we don’t have much time. The Judge will be at the mall soon.”

He had grabbed Willow by the arm and was dragging her into the school. “What? Xander! You’re not making any kind of sense! I thought Kendra took his arm far, far away.”

“Kendra’s dead.”

“What? Xander…” They had reached the inside of the school but the building was totally dark. Unnaturally dark.

The hair on the back of Xander’s neck rose and he put a hand over Willow’s mouth. “We’re being hunted and shouldn’t be seen.” Xander closed his eyes and tried to imagine them invisible, and pulled a protesting Willow along. She struggled but fear made him stronger. He could almost feel…something out there in the dark. Waiting.

They were halfway to the library when a dark figured loomed in front of them. A feeling of hatred raced through Xander and he struggled to keep his face straight. This was the devil in the moonlight, a shark looking to bite and if Xander let on that he knew it was Angelus and not Angel there would be blood.

Unfortunately, Willow didn’t trust him or didn’t understand. All he got from her was a feeling of confusion and relief and she fought and broke away from his restraining grip. “Angel! There you are! We were so worried. Have you talked to Buffy yet?”

“Buffy? Oh, yeah, we had a…conversation. I met her at her place and she said that everyone was getting together over here. Said that Xander knew something about the Judge?”

Angelus looked at him and Xander just wanted to crawl away. There was such an overwhelming feeling of evil and darkness in his eyes it would have been easy to fall in them. He saw how Drusilla had been driven mad.

And if Angelus knew that, Xander knew he’d become a new pet project.

“Willow, I want you to get behind me. Now.” He could do this. He could sound totally sane and act normal and still protect Willow and not let Angelus know anything. The rock in his hand felt like it was being crushed and he shoved it in his pocket so he could grab a stake from his backpack instead.

Both Angelus and Willow looked at him as if he’d gone crazy, though, so maybe he wasn’t pulling off the sane act as well as he thought he was. He swallowed, trying to get some moisture in his mouth so he could talk. “I mean it, Wills, if you love me at all you’ll get back here now.”

Okay, so he was an ass using her emotions against her but anything to get her away from Angelus. The claws that bite and the teeth that snatch.

And okay, apparently he had the crazy thing going on with Lewis Carroll instead of nursery rhymes. But if anyone was a jabberwocky it was the thing standing in front of him, reaching out an arm as if he really was worried about Xander.

Thankfully, Willow was worried too and came to stand behind him. “Xander? What’s going on with you?”

Xander laughed and it was a brittle sound. “It’s so complicated it isn’t even funny, but let’s just say a little birdie told me a story. About gypsies and curses and souls that don’t stick. We’ll need more than a needle and thread to sew it back on; it’s worse than a shadow.”

“What?”

But Angelus looked at him closely. “Now, Xander, you’re not making much sense.”

“I’m making too much sense, and you don’t like that, do you, Deadboy?”

“Willow, maybe you should run and get Giles and I’ll stay here with Xander.”

Angelus was the very model of concerned friend but that made Willow frown and look at him closely. Xander could almost hear the thoughts running through her mind, how Angel had never given a damn about Xander so why should he now?

Xander stood up straight and made sure that both of them saw the stake in his hand. Before he could say much more, though, another figure joined them in the hallway. It was Miss Calendar and she was holding a very large cross.

“Kids, get to the Library. This…this isn’t Angel. Not anymore.”

But Xander was rooted to the spot because he could see and he didn’t like what he was seeing. He could see the line of gypsies that stood behind Jenny Calendar, all whispering in her ear about vengeance. The curse that had given Angel his soul had come from this woman, her Line, but it hadn’t been about justice or to do a good deed by taking a monster out of commission.

No, it had been about revenge and retribution and making him suffer.

And he could see that that was the reason why Angelus was even more evil than he had been a hundred years ago. A century of violence had been building up and now they’d be thrice damned.

“What? Miss Calendar, what’s going on?”

“Oh, so you’re on to my little deception now, are you? Guess it was time for the unmasking. It was getting so fucking boring playing Angel that it’s a wonder I haven’t ripped someone to pieces in frustration. Oh, then again, I have. That little Slayer you sent on a fool’s errand was a tasty treat.”

Angelus dropped the Angel act and his presence took on a more menacing quality. His hands were shoved in his jacket and he acted like he didn’t have a care in the world. “You know, it’s funny, but you’d think that accent of hers would have made her screams sound different, but it didn’t. Then again, her blood was a bit spicier than my usual fare.”

“Bastard!” Xander hissed through his teeth and he was so angry he literally saw red. It was as if the entire hallway was washed in blood and he realized he was seeing another future. One where they all died.

They had to get to the Library.

His hand slipped into his backpack again and pulled out a small crossbow. He didn’t think he had a chance fighting Angelus one on one, but he might be able to wound the man instead.

First he had to distract him. “You know, Deadboy, I never liked you. Not with the soul and I certainly don’t like you without. And I gotta say, the whole evil undead look you’ve got going there is weird too. I mean, did you kill a herd of cows for those pants or what? A leather coat is cool but coat and pants in warm Southern California just screams living undead.”

Angelus stepped towards him. “Why, you stupid…”

The sentence was never finished since there was a crossbow bolt in his neck. Angelus made a gasping noise and raised his arm to pull it out and Xander quickly reloaded and fired another one into his left thigh before grabbing Willow and taking off down the hall. Miss Calendar followed. He looked back at where Angelus was pulling both bolts out of his body. “Run! Faster, he’s coming!”

They thundered through the halls, finally reaching the doors and Xander pushed the two women in front of him before going through himself and slamming the doors shut. Oz, Cordelia, Ethan and Giles were there and they all looked up to see the three of them gasping for air. Xander pushed Willow further in and grabbed one of the long 2x4’s they kept in the Library to block the doors ever since Student Teacher night.

“Umm, people? A little help? Evil megalomaniac trying to kill us here?”

Oz and Giles ran forward to help him block the door just as Angelus crashed into it from the other side. His face appeared in one of the windows, his true face showing and yellow eyes blazing with insanity and hatred. “Knock, knock! Guess who?”

Xander grunted as he tried to keep the doors shut. The wood wouldn’t hold too long under Angelus’s strength. “An evil bastard, that’s who!”

He could hear Ethan chanting in the background and to his eyes there was a blue…bubble or dome that was slowly moving from the center of the Library through the entire room. A barrier. He only hoped it would hold Angelus back.

Oz was being rather quiet, but his arm was touching Xander’s where they were holding the door and he could feel his fear and confusion. Poor guy, found out about vampires the day before and now the one he had been told was safe was trying to break in and kill them.

Xander didn’t need to be psychic to hear the confusion, worry and fear coming from Giles. The “Dear Lords!” were saying pretty much everything for him. Xander looked at his mentor. “Where’s Buffy?”

“I—I’m not quite sure. She was looking for Angel but…”

“Newsflash, Angel has left the building, G-man.” The blue dome had reached where they were standing and Xander could almost feel the sparks from it as it enveloped them. It stopped when it had penetrated the door but since Angelus had pulled back he assumed it had worked and stopped leaning against the door.

There was sudden quiet in the hallway before Angelus gave the door a final pounding. “I’ll be back, you know that!”

Xander laughed under his breath. That was just so clichéd. “Yeah, yeah, and you’ll get our little dogs too.” He looked over at where Ethan was standing. “Thanks, Chaos Man! Very cool, with the shields going up; you’re better than Scotty!”

Ethan’s smile was thin. “Thank you. I’ll take it as a compliment to be compared to a fictitious engineer.”

Xander grinned. It just felt better in the library with the shield up. Of course he could still feel other stuff, like the Hellmouth directly below him and weird voices and colors and crap that were coming from some of the books, but his adrenalin let him ignore most of it. He hoped he could keep it together because it would really help if he could stay sane for the conversation they were about to have.

“Umm, I thought Angel was one of the good guys? What the hell happened? And why has Xander suddenly taken a walk on the truly weird side?”

Cordy was looking at him funny, and Willow was watching him from behind her hair. Maybe he wasn’t sounding so sane; it was hard to be sure. Giles took off his glasses and readjusted one of the arms before putting them back on.

“Yes, well, it seems that Angel has lost his soul, or rather reverted to his Angelus persona. I’m not quite sure why…”

Xander looked at Miss Calendar. “I know why, but Miss Calendar knows more about it. After all, she was sent to make sure Angel wouldn’t slip his leash. Guess you kinda fell down on the job, didn’t you?”

She gave an honest to god gasp. Xander thought that only happened in comics. “How…how did you know?”

Okay, if he couldn’t pull off sane maybe he’d make the crazy work for him. “Oh, I know. I know lots and lots of things. Like how your Uncle warned you yesterday but it was already too late, wasn’t it? That’s why you went to find Giles that night but the whole deal with Ethan distracted you. You’ve known for a while now that Angelus has been loose and didn’t stop it because it was an ancient Gypsy secret. I’ve gotta say, if it was just the secret of using Calgon I wouldn’t be angry but finding out that Angelus is around kinda pisses me off.”

He walked over and brushed his hand against the back of the chair Buffy usually sat in. “Buffy’s on her way into the school, G-man, better unbolt the door and let her in.”

Okay, now they were all looking at him as if he had a few screws loose but, since he did, he tried not to let it bother him. When he went to sit in his usual chair there was a flash of hatred and he could tell that Angelus had sat there at one point in time so he hopped back up.

“Xander? Is there something you want to tell us?” Giles was unbolting the door but looking at him like he’d done something wrong and Xander fought the urge to look down. He wasn’t going to try to hide his new abilities; it was no use because he had to explain what he knew and how he knew it.

“You mean the sudden reason I’m a bit Fruit Loops now? Believe me, it’s a long story and we don’t have that much time. Short version? I went into my dreams, saw one possible future where the Judge melted down the entire planet, starting with Sunnydale Mall, and to figure out how to stop him someone gave me these really weird psychic abilities.”

By that time Buffy was in the Library and he could feel the misery radiating from her. He walked over and brushed against her arm and watched the pictures in his head as Angelus said some terribly cruel and wicked things in her bedroom. “Hey, Buff, it’s not your fault. Angelus was playing you so don’t listen to anything he had to say. You couldn’t know he was going to lose his soul.”

He could see more, see how Angelus had been slowly pulling her away from her friends, away from her support. He gave her a quick hug, and could feel her sadness and embarrassment. He forgave her for everything she’d been nasty about in the past few months then and there. Poison fruit from a poison tree.

He kissed her on the cheek and whispered in her ear. “Just so you know, Buffy, Angel had his perfect moment of happiness the first time you told him you loved him, not last night. Everything else since then has been Angelus playing with you.”

She gave him a sad look. “Xander? How…”

He pulled away and tried to ignore all the stares. And the whispers in his head, and the weird swirling darkness coming from the floor below him. And a whole lot of other things.

“What exactly do you mean by “weird psychic abilities,” Xander?” Giles was going for a book and even Ethan looked stunned. Guess he hadn’t known what was going to happen when he gave him that advice the night before.

“Oh, lots of stuff. Future, present, past, voices, weird floating colors, and I see weird shit when I touch certain things. Listen, I know you really want to crack, like, a hundred books but Angelus is taking the Judge and a whole group of fledges for a party down at Sunnydale Mall and we really need to be there or, believe me, it’s going to be a total slaughter. I’ve seen it and it was really not pretty. Oz, Buffy; in my vision you were snacks of the vamps. Wills, Cordy; wear something fire retardant. Giles, Ethan; I didn’t see you but…well, there were a lot of people that were just ashes, from being burned, you know? And parts, just there. It was more than kinda gross so I’d rather not live that future, thanks very much.”

And they didn’t believe him. He could tell that everyone, even Cordy, thought that Xander had lost his marbles. Problem was, he had, but it was still the truth. And he was afraid if he were too much crazier he’d never get them to the Mall in time.

“Perhaps…perhaps you’d better sit down and tell us again just what happened.” Giles was doing that infuriating 'humor the crazy' voice. Xander sighed; he had a feeling he was going to hear that tone of voice a lot now. And he still had to figure out how to save Spike. His head was beginning to hurt.

“Right, don’t listen to the crazy psychic guy. Now I know how Cassandra felt.” He jumped up to sit on the table and got a flash of love/lust/sex and an image of legs and arms and…

“GAH!! GILES! You and Ethan did it on the Library table! Man, I read books there; that is so not cool! And I so did not need to see…that, behind my eyelids. Any other places you two have got it on that that I need to avoid? The desk in your office, maybe?”

Everyone but Giles and Ethan made a squicked face, and Buffy took two steps away from the table. Ethan looked smug, like the cat that had gotten the canary, but all the color had left Giles’s face and he slowly sat down in a chair.

“Oh, good lord!”

*****