Roomies

Disclaimer: The characters of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel: the Series Universes (Angel, Cordelia, Spike, Xander, Doyle, etc…) are the creation of Joss Whedon and are, therefore, the property of him, Mutant Enemy (Grr, Arg), and 20th Century Fox (and all other affiliated parties). No money is gained from this work as it is created purely for the enjoyment of others. Please do not sue.

AN: Constructive criticism and friendly fedback are always appreciated. Flames will be used to warm my toes.

~Part 32: For Every Slamming Door, Look For The Open Window~

Xander sat on the small couch looking off into space. The words of the tape that Cordelia had fed into the machine barely reaching him from across the room. The darkness of the corner that he had chosen seemed all encompassing. This couch had gone through so many things. The time Doyle had had that vision about Buffy. When Xander had found Angel and Spike curled up together on it. The many times Doyle had just sat here while the five of them were in the room doing everyday things throughout the offices.

There had also been the time that Xander had spent nearly three days straight on this couch right after he had had the surgery on his eye. Doyle had waited on him hand and foot while he had been nearly blind thanks to all of the bandages on his face. It hadn’t help that the meds he had been taking had had him spouting nonsense at random intervals.

Xander glanced briefly over his shoulder at the sound of his own voice. A moment later and he heard Doyle speaking.

“Our rates’re low, bu’ our stand’rds’re high. Wh’n th’ chips’re down, n’ yer at th’ end ov yer rope, yah need someone tha’ yah c’n coun’ on. ‘N tha's what yah'll find here—someone tha’ will go all th’ way, no ma’er wha’. So d’n't lose hope. Come on over ta our offices n’ yah'll see tha’ there's still heroes in this world.” There was the sound of Doyle clearing his throat before the tape continued, “Is tha’ it? ‘m I done?"

Not able to take it anymore, Xander jumped from his seat and made for the door. He almost got there too before Angel got in his path. To Angel’s left stood Cordelia, tear tracks staining her cheeks, being held tightly by Spike. “Xander,” Angel said softly.

“It’s okay,” Xander said. He looked away from them all. His eyes fell on a mark in the wall just behind Angel’s right shoulder. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember what had caused that mark. “I just forgot that I haven’t seen Mac for a while. I should go over and make sure he knows that I’m alive.”

Angel stepped forward and touched Xander’s shoulder only to have the teen jerk violently out of his grasp. “Xander, I really don’t think you should be alone right now.”

In an almost mechanical way, Xander brought his arm up and rubbed the sleeve of his shirt across his face; the fabric of his sleeve came away wet. “I just said that I was going to see Mac,” Xander said, once again looking at that mark on the wall. “I won’t be alone once I get to his place.”

Angel took a deep breath and moved so that Xander had to look at him. “How about I call Mac and ask him to come pick you up. That way you don’t have to walk, alright?”

~~~

Spike looked up as Angel walked back into the room. The older vampire’s face was deeply lined and his eyes were miles away. “Well?”

“They won’t do anything,” Angel said softly. “I know that they could bring Doyle back. I can feel their power. I mean, they brought Xander through that portal without him even realizing it. They should be able to let me save Doyle!”

“Shhh…” Spike said softly as he wrapped his arms around his Sire. “What did they say?”

Angel sighed, ran hand along Spike’s back and breathed in the scent of his Childe. “If Doyle were to come back his noble death would be for nothing and his atonement would be unfulfilled.”

“What about your link to the Powers?” Cordelia asked from the door of the bedroom. “Don’t they realize that without Doyle’s vision thingies, you won’t have any idea what you’re supposed to be doing to help them?”

“They said that with every closed door, there must be another open,” Angel said on a sigh. He held out his arm and Cordelia walked into the embrace. The three of them stood in silence for a long time.

Cordelia sniffled and pulled back, tears once again forming in her eyes. “What about Xander? He was so broken up. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this shook up about something.”

Angel shrugged. “We can only hope that he’ll let us help him heal.”

~~~

Mac watched silently as Xander emerged from the bathroom rubbing a towel through his hair. The teen offered him a weak smile before dropping into the chair across from him. “How’re you feeling?”

“Like I went three rounds with Buffy and another with Wills,” Xander offered. He sighed and slid deeper into the chair. “I didn’t realize how messed up I was. Thanks for… everything.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” Mac said with a nod. He paused, simply watching Xander stare at the carpet blankly. “You wanna talk about it?”

Xander looked up at him and whispered softly, “He kissed me. Right before he jumped. He kissed me and said it was too bad that we wouldn’t know whether or not I could ever love him.”

“Could you?” Mac asked.

“I think I could have.” Xander plucked at a loose string on the arm of the chair. He took a deep breath and said around the knot in his throat, “All day I’d been getting these feelings. First I had this moment of clarity while Cordy was shooting her commercial that, yes, I would date him. Then, every time we touched, I shivered. Whenever Spike tried to scare me, I went to Doyle—“

A sob cut off whatever else Xander had been going to say. Mac crossed the space between them in an instant and gathered Xander into his arms, pulling the teen to the floor so that they could sit side by side. “Shh… Xan… it’ll be alright.”

Sobs continued to wrack their way through Xander’s body.

“I know that right now, it seems like everything hurts and nothing could ever be better, but some day, when you least expect it, you’ll say his name and you’ll smile, thinking of the time that he called you a pet name,” Mac said as he rubbed Xander’s back. “Then there’ll be the time that someone else will say his name and instead of the urge to cry, you’ll laugh because you’ll think of one of the times that the two of you did something stupid together.”

Xander pulled slowly out of Mac’s arms. “How do you know?” he asked, desperately trying to see it from the other man’s view.

“Because that’s how it was for me after Jesse died,” Mac whispered, his eyes misting up.

Xander’s jaw dropped as the meaning behind Mac’s words registered. “Oh, Mac…” he whispered. “I never knew.”

Mac shrugged. “Not many people did. His little sister, Hope, did. She walked in on us one time. And you remember when we had that big family meeting with you and Uncle Tony and your mom and everybody and my parents told you guys about me being gay? Well that was about a week after my mom found my journal. The night before I’d written about mine and Jesse’s first time together and fell asleep with it open on my chest.”

“Jesse and me just turned fifteen that year,” Xander said.

“Yeah,” Mac confirmed. “It was our first year anniversary. It wasn’t exactly perfect but Jesse… when it happened, there was no words to describe what it was like.”

“He never told me,” Xander said. “We always swore that we would tell each other about our first times. He never said a thing about the two of you.”

Mac grin crookedly, the tears in his eyes finally receding. “I’m glad to hear that he could keep some secrets from you.”

Xander chuckled wetly, wiping at his eyes. “I’m glad you told me, Mac,” he said. “Th—“

Xander stopped and grabbed his forehead as pain assaulted him and images danced behind his eyelids. He heard Mac call his name frantically from what sounded like miles away before suddenly, it was over. The only reminder was a dull throbbing behind his left eye and feeling of dread he had received on the tail end of his vision.

The End