Choices

Buffy was exhausted. In all aspects: Mentally, emotionally and physically. Which was the reason why she fell asleep at the library. Tucked in a corner with enough light to read, with a cushy sofa to spread out on and no one to bother her, Buffy pretty much zonked out. When her phone rang, she grunted recognition but could not will her limbs to move, could not even will herself into a conscious state.

“Buffy for Christ’s sake you practically worried me to dust.”

She jerked awake at the rumble of Spike’s voice in her ear and of the sudden awareness of her body being lifted.

“Shh, relax now kitten. I’ve got you.”

Her sleepy eyes hazily focused on Spike’s sparkling blue ones. “Am I dreaming this time?” She mumbled.

He smiled, “no kitten, you’re not dreaming.”

“What’s going on? Where am I?”

Spike’s stern face took over, “not good, Buffy. You shouldn’t be so tired that you don’t even know where you fell asleep!”

“Spike, people are going to think you’re her abusive boyfriend. Shut up.”

Buffy looked over Spike’s shoulder to see Willow carrying her things. “Hey, Wills.”

Willow smiled up at her. “We tried calling you, Buffy. You could have at least left a note to tell me where you were going.”

“Sorry,” she chirped as her groggy mind began to fill in the missing pieces. She rested her head on Spike’s shoulder for a minute and then shot her head back up and looked at him. “What are you doing here? Did something happen? Are you all right? Is Angel all right?”

Spike nodded and quickly kissed her to silence her. “Everyone is fine, luv. Except for you apparently.”

She shrugged and nestled against him, not wanting to ask questions and rock the boat. Spike was here and holding her, carrying her like her knight in shining armor no less, she was going to enjoy it. She’d ask questions later. Actually, knowing Spike he’d just save her the trouble and tell her what the what was when time came. He was good like that. Unlike Angel who just kept it all inside and didn’t bother to tell her until he hit the roof—okay, no bitterness there or anything.

“You’re thinking heavy,” Spike murmured to her.

“Can’t help it. This is weird…are you really here?”

“I’m here, luv. Here to stay.”

“Does this mean--?”

“It means we have some chattin’ to do, but it can wait. I’m not going anywhere. My girl needs her rest now.”

She smiled sappily against his chest and snuggled closer. Her eyes were feeling heavy again and his voice was lulling her to sleep. “I love you, Spike,” she murmured.

“I love you too, kitten.” His voice was choked with barely controlled emotion. She thought she heard an added ‘I’m sorry,’ but sleep soon over took her and she couldn’t form thoughts any longer.


Buffy found herself in a familiar comfortable position on a familiar comfortable bedding. This was definitely not the cot Willow had scrounged up in the attic for her to borrow. This was her bed. Her soft sheets, her fluffy pillows back on her incredibly perfect bed. Even the scent of her bed was the same. And, there was a familiar body next to hers, wrapped right around her own. A body that had shared this bed with her many times before. She smiled, keeping her eyes closed.

“What’s that smile all about?” Spike’s husky voice purred in her ear.

“I’m home.”

“Right you are. Home where you belong. Hopefully, Angel will come home soon too.”

That did it. Buffy shot up in her bed. Spike sat up next to her, but she barely noticed. She looked around the room as if searching for something. She scrambled out of the bed and peered outside. “Okay, the sky’s not orange. I don’t see pigs flying…”She dropped the blind and turned to Spike. “Pinch me. I am dreaming and you’re some kind of freaky Freddy Krueger.”

Spike started to laugh. “Freaky Freddy Krueger? He wasn’t freaky enough to begin with?”

She eyed him warily. “What’s going on, Spike. Are you tricking me?”

“Tricking you?”

“Stop answering my questions with a question.”

Spike sat up against the headboard. “I’ll explain it all to you, pet. Just come back to bed. You were really knackered last night. You had bags under your eyes the night before…got me worried.”

“Haven’t gotten much sleep since…” she trailed off, not wanting to bring up painful memories.

“Since the gallery. Since you told Angel and I you love us.”

Her head shot up, “yeah, since then.”

He nodded and patted the space in front of him, between his parted legs. “Come sit with me.”

She eyed him warily. Shouldn’t she be jumping to be with him? Instead, she was finding herself a little skittish about it. When would the other shoe drop? When would he become angry with her and push her away?

He rolled his eyes. “Would you come over here already? I’m not going to bite. Well, unless you ask me to of course.”

She rolled her eyes back at him and slowly made her way over to him. She crawled back on the bed, watching him. He smiled at her lovingly and when she was close enough, he reached out and spun her so that her back was against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the nape of her neck.

“I went to see Angel last night before I came to see you.” He told her just as she opened her mouth to start questioning him.

“And?”

“I told him I finally understood.”

“Understood?”

“What it means to have you love us, pet.”

Her eyes widened and she turned slightly to see his face. “I’m speechless.”

He smirked, “that’s a first.”

“No, a first is when I actually make YOU speechless.”

He chuckled and nuzzled her neck. “You made me see, you made me feel it. You love me. You truly love me.”

“I’ve only said it like a hundred times.”

“No need to get all snarky.”

“I’m in a state of shock. I’m having a hard time really grasping what you’re saying to me…what ARE you exactly saying to me?”

“I’m saying that I love you Buffy. I can’t live my un-life without you; it’s too hard. If I needed to breathe, you would be the air I need to survive. You’re my blood, you’re IN my blood, in my soul…you encompass me and I can’t stand to be apart from you any longer.”

She sat there processing what he was saying to her. Did he really mean it? Did he know that she still loved Angel? Should she remind him?

She felt him stiffen after a minute. “Buffy…you do…you do still love me right?”

She spun around then, kneeling before him. “Of course I do, you big idiot! Did you not remember me being here with you two nights ago?”

He nodded, a sheepish look on his face. “You know how I get…”

“I know,” she told him softly. “I’ve always known, Spike.”

He nodded and met her eyes, his own glistening with unshed tears. “You know me better than anyone ever has, Buffy.”

“Even Dru?”

“Definitely more than Dru.”

She crawled back out of bed, narrowly missing him trying to grab at her ankle. She stood at the foot of the bed, gazing at him. “You’ll have to forgive me for feeling a bit out of sorts. I’ve spent the past two weeks thinking you hated me—“

“Never hated you Buffy,” he told her adamantly.

“I knew you were hurt and I knew that you hurt because you loved me, but you pushed me away Spike. You told me, basically, that I was just your job.”

He started to move off the bed. “I know, pet, I know. I wanted you to hurt as much as I was hurting.”

“You made me feel like a whore.”

He stopped his advance on her. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry for all of that. I was a stupid git. I didn’t get it, I didn’t understand. I thought I was losing you to Angel and it made me lose my head. All those things I said, I didn’t mean them.”

“Then you know that I didn’t plan to fall in love with both of you, you know that I wasn’t just playing with you.”

He nodded emphatically. “Yes.” He moved to stand in front of her, a hairsbreadth away. He tentatively reached out and glided his hands up and down her arms.

She met his eyes, “you know you really pissed me off.”

“I’m a bad, rude man.”

“Doesn’t excuse any of it. I was confused, Spike. I didn’t know which end was up and you made it seem as if I was…Dru.”

He flinched at that, and stepped away from her.

“You know I still love Angel right?”

He nodded. “As I was saying before, I went to see him. I told him that I was going to be with you and that if he was smart, he’d do the same.”

Her jaw dropped and she started to gesture. “You---what?”

He smiled. “I know you love Angel. I accept it, I understand it and if you want us both, then I want us both for you.”

“Do you really mean that?”

He nodded. “I love you Buffy Anne Summers and I’ll do anything to be with you, to give you my love and to receive your love. It’s the best feeling in the world and I won’t give it up for anything.”

“And Angel? How does he feel? What did he say?”

“Going to take a bit of time for him, pet. I have faith in the old boy though, he’ll come around.”

“Do you think?”

“I do.”

“Should I go see him?”

“I think you should let what my talk with him marinate for a few before you do that, okay?”

She nodded, biting her lip.

Spike, unable to wait any longer, gathered her up in his arms. “We have a lot of time to make up for. I have a lot to make up for.”

“We all do. Can we take it slow? I’m not into rushing headlong into anything. So much has happened over the past two weeks and now you’re here…I need to process it.”

“I understand, kitten. We’ll take it slow. You okay with moving back in here?”

“I want to.”

“But you’re afraid that it will drive you and Angel further apart.”

She nodded, holding onto him tighter and burying her face against his chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Took me a long time to figure it out, but I did. I know you love him just as much as you do me. Angel, believe it or not, knows it too. Just have to be patient with him, Buffy.”

“And if he never comes around?”

“Suppose that’s up to you.”

“Then I still stay with you.”

“I love you, Buffy.”

“I love you too, Spike.”

Chapter Thirty One

"You want to go on a what?"

"A date. I know you've heard of them. It's the thing you crashed when I went out with Xander, remember?"

Spike mock glared at her, "I know what they are, pet. Thought we were past all that."

She shook her head, firm face in check. "Nope. You don't get out of it so easily, mister. You agreed to take things slowly."

"I didn't know taking things slowly consisted of dating."

"Well, yeah," she seemed a little thrown by his logic.

He shrugged, "all right. What would you like to do?"

She rolled her eyes. "I thought you were supposed to be romantic. Surprise me!"

"Now I have to surprise you?"

"And they say chivalry is dead."

He started to laugh. She couldn't help but join him. She fell onto the couch next to him and he immediately wrapped his arms around her, bringing her up against his front and nuzzling her neck. Buffy sighed contentedly and ran the pads of her fingers across the strong hands clutched together at her stomach.

"Was that a sigh of happiness, pet?"

She nodded. "But I still want a date."

He bit her shoulder with his blunt teeth delicately and it sent her into a fit of giggles.

"So tell me pet," Spike began after her giggles had ceased. "If Angel were here, what would your perfect scenario be for us?"

Her eyes widened so much she thought they were going to fall out of her head. Spike had done a lot to surprise her over the years, but she had never imagined that would ever come out of his mouth.

"What do you mean?" Had to be the dumbest thing she could ever ask, but it was out of her mouth before she could stop it.

"I mean," he rumbled in her ear and nipped at her earlobe, causing her to shiver, "what do you fantasize about? What would you like us to do for you?"

"A--are you serious?"

"Very," he told her huskily and snaked his hand just under her t shirt to lie flat on her belly.

She gulped. "I feel weird telling you."

"Why? Because it involves Angel or because it's very naughty?"

She gulped again and closed her eyes. "Both," she whispered.

"Tell me, I want to know. Maybe I could have a hand in making it come true."

Her face had to be beat red by now and the little swirlies he was doing on her stomach was making it flutter and causing goosebumps to form on her flesh.

He traced her lobe with his tongue, "tell me."

"I imagine that we'd be watching together. I'd be leaning against Angel's chest and my legs and feet would be in your lap," she began tentatively.

"Mmm...and then what?" His hand traveled to her hip where he was kneading the flesh there.

"And you'd start rubbing my feet, just a massage at first, then your hands would slowly inch up towards my calves."

In response, his barefoot slid up her leg under her pants. "Kind of like that?"

She nodded, mouth dry. How was it that just these simple touches could excite her and fill her with a heat to rival a volcano?

Feeling bolder, she continued. "And, then Angel would notice this and you'd have that look in your eye you get when you're...lusty."

"What would Angel do?"

"He'd kiss me. Softly, slowly, languorously. His hand would dip to just under the top of my shirt and inch toward my breast."

Spike's hand ghosted up to her breast in an instant. "Like that?"

She gasped as his cool--and yet so hot--touch made her nipples stand at attention.

"Continue."

"You'd slowly inch your way up my leg with your hands kneel over me, kissing my stomach, making circles on it with your tongue."

"Like this?" His hand was now back on her stomach he touched her so lightly it almost tickled. Every sense in her body jumped as he traced circles all over belly. Her toes were curling.

She nodded and his hands spread to the top of her pants. Eager, she pressed on.

"Angel would take off my shirt and my bra, as he kissed me. He'd suck on my breasts with his mouth and nip at my neck and shoulders with his teeth--his human teeth.? She figured she'd put that disclaimer in for now. "And you--you'd undo my pants and take them off me."

Spike gracefully pushed down her pants and snuck his hand under her panties.

She moaned at his touch, the heat inside her building and begging to be stroked.

"More," he begged and nipped at her neck.

"You'd kiss me there, lick me, stick your tongue inside me." Instinctively, she spread her thighs for him, allowing him further access.

"Christ, Buffy. You're killing me,"he groaned and traced her nether lips before pushing a finger inside her.


"Spike," she moaned and her head fell back.

He twisted her head so he could kiss her and when he did, he devoured her. She brought his head down closer as his expert finger found her clit and pinched it. She pulled away, breathless and looked up into his lust-addled eyes.

He began sawing his finger inside her, each time flicking her clit with his thumb.

"More," he told her.

"After I come from you licking me, you'd enter me."

"With my cock?"

Her eyes fluttered close at that. She hated that word, she really did, but coming from Spike in the position she was currently in, it aroused her.

He began pumping faster with his finger, then added another one. She was awash in her overloaded senses. "Then you'd stop just before you came and Angel would take up where you left off. And I'd...I'd.."

"Suck me?"

"Oh my God, yes," she hissed and then moaned.

"Would I come for you, Buffy? Would I come inside your mouth or on you? Where would Angel come?"

"Angel...inside me...oh God, Spike..." Her climax was imminent.

"Where would I come Buffy?"

"In me...on me...oh God!" She saw stars then and her eyes shut from the pleasure of it.

He gently stroked her as she came back down and another orgasm crept up on her. He slipped out of her folds and kissed her sweetly as she lay, boneless, in his arms.

"Feel all right kitten?" He purred.

"Oh yes, definitely..." she murmured back and twisted so that she could face him. She was feeling sleepy again. It made sense, really. She'd been so strung out for the past two weeks, now that she had her mind somewhat eased by having Spike accept her love, she couldn't help but feel relieved and more relaxed.


"Sleep now, kitten." He told her stroking her hair.

"I didn't help you..."

"There will be time for that, trust me."

"I do. I do trust you."

Chapter Thirty Two

"That's it, we're not going to horror movies together anymore." Spike told her as they walked hand in hand from the movie theater.

"Why not?" Buffy asked innocently.

"Why NOT?" Spike's eyes bugged. "How about because you hit me in the arm and leg every time you got scared and hey, I might be strong and be able to take pain more than most, but bloody hell, Buffy!"

She couldn't help but laugh, "oh you big baby. Can't take a little--"

"Buffy," Spike said softly and stopped walking abruptly. Buffy looked in front of them to see what had stopped him so suddenly.

"Angel," she whispered. She wanted to go to him and hug him. It had been a week since she'd seen him and instinct told her to go to him. The girl on his arm, however, stopped her.

"Heya, B, Spike." Faith. This was what Angel had tossed her over for? For Faith?

Spike nodded. "Faith. Angel."

All Buffy could do was stare at Angel, not caring if the look in her eyes spoke of betrayal and hurt. She supposed she deserved it from how Angel looked at things. Until a short time ago, Spike had felt the same way. It still hurt though, still felt as if he were twisting a knife in her gut.

Angel's jaw clenched as he curtly nodded at Spike and then stared at Buffy. His expression was unreadable and Buffy wanted to shake emotion into him.

"Tension's a little thick here. We're just gonna go," Faith said and tugged on Angel's arm.

"Nice to see you, Angel. You should at least call, let us know you're alive." Spike said--and he meant it. Angel's face changed to one of shock for a brief second before allowing Faith to lead him away.

All Buffy could do was stare after them wondering---why? How? Why?

Spike tugged on her hand and brought her in the safe circle of his arms. "It's okay, pet."

"Her? Why her? What is it about her? Why? Angel's not into slutty ho bags and she most definitely is one. That's not Angel." She was shaking.

"I know, kitten. Don't worry, it's going to be all right."

"You keep saying that Spike but I don't see it happening!"

"I told you it would take time, and it will."

"How much time? How many times does he have to go and fuck Faith or any other girl before he comes back to me--to us?"

"Soon, kitten, soon." He tugged on her hand again, this time nudging her to walk with him. "He's not fucking her. He's not fucking anyone. He loves you."

Buffy didn't care what Spike said about giving him time, about not going to see him for a while. Her and Angel were about to have a little chat.


*********


Leaving Willow's the following day, Buffy was determined. Seeing Angel with Faith had not only hurt her, but angered her as well.
She stormed into the gallery, said a quick hello to Richard and went straight for the elevator, up to his loft.

His door was closed and she pushed at it. It opened. Stupid vampire; not locking his door. Her movements slowed then as she crept through his place. It was spacious but empty. There were things still in boxes, mugs of dried blood in the sink. This was definitely not like Angel. He was almost as aesthetic as Spike was, he liked to be surrounded by art, liked things neat. This...mess, was not how Angel lived. It must be Faith's influence.

She worked her way around and then stopped short when she saw him lying on a bed--not HIS bed--with a sheet strewn across his lap, his pants peeking from just under it were undone. His chest was bare and he had an arm draped across his face, covering his eyes. He was like Michelangelo's David: Perfectly sculpted and chiseled. He was beautiful.

"Angel," she said, her voice coming out weaker than she had wanted.

He didn't move a muscle. This was just disappointing. How was it that a master vampire such as Angel could not notice someone in the room with him? This was not of the good at all. It was downright scary actually. Anyone could just come in and stake him.

She moved closer to the bed, trying to ignore the effect his half naked body was having on her. Her palms itched to touch him, but she was here to yell at him. She poked at him in the shoulder, daintily. "Angel," she said, louder this time.

He stirred and dropped his hand from his face.She couldn't stop herself from reaching out and gently ruffling his silky hair. She felt tears threaten to well up and she pushed the urge down. Just because she missed him was no reason not to ream him out for dating Faith.

He moved his head against her hand, and moaned. "Buffy."

She looked at him sadly. This was wrong. She shouldn't be doing this. She started to move her hand away when she felt a hand clamp on her wrist. Her startled eyes met his.

They stared at each other for what seemed like a full five minutes and Buffy's heart was racing out of control.

He let her wrist go and moved off the bed. He was turned away from her and she heard his zipper. She bit back a smile at that.

He turned around, "what are you doing here?"

"I--I came to talk to you."

"That was talking?"

She glared at him, finding her resolve coming back. "You had your door unlocked you know. Anyone could have waltzed in here and staked you. Or stolen from you--"

"Not much here to steal and the gallery is right downstairs. They'd have to get through there first."

"Not the point, Angel!" She huffed.

"Then what IS the point, Buffy? Did you come here to discuss my living habits or for something else?"

"What the hell are you doing dating Faith?" She burst out.

He looked at her as if she had seven heads. "Dating--what?"

"You, dating Faith. Remember how I saw you last night?"

"Oh yes, while you were with Spike," Angel sneered.

"Yes, while I was with Spike."

"So, he told you he was all right with it, did he?"

"Yes, he did. He understands. He told me talked to you about it."

"Yeah. I don't understand it still."

"Angel, I know you don't want anything to do with me right now--"

"So you decided to just let yourself in my apartment."

That did it. She marched up to him and prepared to smack him. She pulled her hand back and started to swing. He caught her wrist, effectively stopping her blow. Nothing could have prepared her for his next move.

He kissed her.

He didn't touch her for a minute and then he hauled her up against him as his mouth possessed her in a demanding kiss. He pulled at her, lifting her and without thinking she wrapped her legs around his waist. She didn't know who moaned, nor did she care. She just wanted to feel Angel against her, wanted him to love her and erase Faith from his mind completely. She felt her back slammed up against a wall and Angel used the leverage to bury his hands in her hair and then travel down her back, rubbing circles in her waist.

She was aware that he moved, his hands under buttocks and they dropped unceremoniously onto his bed. She didn't let him go, didn't want to let him go. His hands covered her breasts through her tank and she moaned at the contact. She splayed her hands across his bare chest, wanting to feel every muscle flex and move.

"Angel, Angel, Angel," she said breathlessly into his mouth, "I love you so much."

Talking, giving him anytime to think was the WRONG thing to do. He was off her in a heartbeat.

He strode across the room, grabbed a black shirt and proceeded to button it up, his back facing her. She propped herself on her elbows, trying to catch her breath and figure out what the hell had just happened.

"How would Spike react knowing what just happened?" He asked, still not looking at her.

"He would understand. He loves me and he knows how I feel."

Angel turned then. "Would he be accepting of the fact that I almost fucked you right there?"

She winced at that. He made it sound so callous. She moved off the bed. "Spike knows that I can't make love with just one of you, that I want both of you there with me."

"Who would get to pop your cherry first, Buffy?"

This time he didn't flinch as she walked up to him, hauled off and decked him. He dropped to the floor at the force of her punch.

"If you must know, it wouldn't matter to me who 'popped my cherry' first. The experience is not all about that. It would only matter to me that you were both there with me and that I would get a chance to show you both how much I loved you.
I came here today to tell you that if you didn't want me, then you should find someone--anyone--other than Faith. I came here to tell you that you're above her and you deserve the better than her. Now I'm thinking that you deserve each other and you do whatever the hell you want."

Buffy didn't stop to see turn around and notice him stand, wiping tears away from his eyes. She walked away from the gallery and once she was outside, safely away from Angel, she herself burst into tears.

She'd lost him. She'd lost her anchor, her angel. Furiously wiping the tears from her eyes, she went home to Spike, to tell him that he was wrong.

Angel wasn't coming home and she was ready to.