Life (or Unlife) Goes On

A/N: Okay so if the last thing you read was Xander in the alley then you need to go back one as I added two chapters at once as a thankyou for all the feedback I received. Hope you enjoy

Chapter Thirty-One

Angel’s POV

We walk downstairs with Lorne and Xander just in front of us. I have no idea what Lorne read or for that matter what he said to Xander but I know that he won’t break Xander’s confidentiality to tell me. I can smell tears on the air, Xander’s tears and I hope that at some point he will be able to confide in us but it is up to him so I will let it be for a little while. Spike’s hand is in mine and I can’t help but be happy that the two of us are fine with each other. Before was so good, we don’t need a long talk because everything we feel, our connection is in the blood and that is enough. I now know that whatever happens he will be there and for the two of us to ever break up completely we would both be destroyed. Spike makes me so happy and he eases the guilt of everything I have ever done but I can never achieve perfect happiness with him. He is always a reminder that I am a vampire because he is my childe. I will never achieve perfect happiness again because to do that I have to forget what I am in order to forget all the misery and suffering I’ve caused. That was the problem with Buffy, she wanted a normal boyfriend, a normal first love with the absolute romantic consummation of our relationship and through that just for a moment I became that normal guy who had a glimpse of heaven between her thighs which unleashed Angelus. Shaking my head I focus on the present, what’s done is done and I can’t change it, just make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

“How did patrolling go?” I ask Faith who is stuffing so much food into her mouth while staring at Robin in what can only be described as a predatory manner.

“Didn’t see the insane queen but we did run into a dozen vampires courtesy of Wolfram and Hart.”

“Is everyone okay?”

“Relax, Illyria got a scratch but Conner is fixing it now.” With that she finishes eating and saunters over to the ex-principal who gulps and she then starts to drag him upstairs. We won’t be seeing them for a while.

“Okay Gunn, what did you need to talk about?” He is sitting at a table that they must have dragged down from one of the upstairs rooms. The table is covered in paper, books and I can even see Cordy’s high school yearbook.

“Right, well, Wes’s funeral is on for tomorrow night. I know its short notice but Giles wanted it to happen as soon as possible and our garden is always available. What I need help with is the inscription on the memorial plaque because he will be cremated as he requested. The garden is also going to have plaques for all the other champions we have known which means that I need your help Xander.” I feel a wave of sadness crash over me at the thought of Wesley. I really cared for him perhaps more than I should have and Gunn wants help on the inscription.

“Xander, shhh pet,” Spike’s anxious cry breaks through my self-involved thoughts. I look over to find Xander clinging onto Spike as if he might be swept away in a flood at any moment. He is visibly shaking and Spike is trying to calm him down with techniques that never failed with Drusilla but that seem to be failing this time. I walk over and gently move them over to the nearest couch until Spike and I are sitting down with Xander sprawled on top of us, still shaking.

“Shh baby, it will be okay, we’re here. Don’t worry we will work it out together.” I feel him relax a little.

“That’s it luv, big deep breaths, I know this is hard but we’re here for you and we aren’t going anywhere.” I feel him relax and his heartbeat slowly return to normal.

“Now Xan can you tell me what exactly set you off,” I ask lifting his head up so that I can stare into his one eye. I don’t even notice his eye patch anymore though I wish he were comfortable enough to take it off at night.

“All the hero’s, all those who died trying to save others but what about those who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time? What about anyone who didn’t even know about the monsters? So could never fight but were killed by the supernatural?”

“Is this about Jessie, pet?” Xander nods his head and continues talking.

“Jessie, Teresa,” he notes looking straight at me and I lower my gaze not being able to meet his gaze remembering how the girls fear smelt and how pure her blood was. “Kit,” Xander continues looking at Spike and I can see the pain in Spike’s eyes at the reminder at what must obviously have been one of his victims. I try to place the name but I can’t all I’m sure of is that this happened not long after the first time Spike came to Sunnydale. I can remember Buffy going on about the unfairness of her principal grouping her with such a juvenile delinquent as Kit.

“Xander,” Gunn calls out gaining our attention. “We can’t have a monument with every name that was a victim of supernatural forces. I know its hard but there are just too many of them and we don’t know all the names from all the ages of the world. Which is why I’m sorry to say that only champions or heroes as well as our own loved ones can be part of the garden.” Xander starts sobbing and buries his head in my neck.

“Hey love, I know it isn’t enough but I’m sure we can have a stone for Jessie if you want an inscription on it.”

“Can I? But then everyone will know.”

“Xanpet, I know how much its been eating you up inside that you have never expressed to everyone exactly what Jessie meant to you.” I watch as Xander turns to stare at Spike incredulously as if he doesn’t understand how Spike could know this, its been obvious to me since I found out and I don’t know how Spike found out but it must be the same for him too.

“How many times have I been your flatmate? How many times have I held you through your nightmares just like you did for me after I got the soul? I know we never talked about what happened in those midnight hours but you have no secrets from me and I never have nor ever will reveal them to other people.” I watch as Xander launches himself at Spike and they share a hug, for a moment I feel like an outsider and a pang of jealousy pierces my heart before two hands pull me into the hug and the jealousy disappears as we share comfort.

“What do I say?” Xander asks so quietly that I almost miss it even with my vampire hearing.

“Whatever feels right for you. Now lets go to the table and work through who we need to include, okay?”

“Yeah but I need my tin, I kept a list of everyone.” I quickly volunteer to go get it as I think that Spike and Xander need a moment together and I need to check on Conner, make sure he is okay.

****

Exhausted the three of us make our way back to my room well after dawn. Earlier I had easily found Conner and was relieved to find that the arousal I always smell from him when he is around Illyria was not present meaning that he is over that obsession. That is good news, as I feared that his love life would be disastrous as mine or Spike’s or even Xander’s before the three of us found each other. The rest of the time was spent going through the whole of Xander’s graduating class and trying to determine their cause of death as well as bringing up every champion in Sunnydale or LA who has died in the last little while. This process has left us all upset and exhausted. I definitely need some sleep before we tackle the funeral and everybody who will invade the hotel for it. The most upsetting news for Xander was that neither Buffy nor Willow would be able to make it. Buffy seems to think she has more important things to do than attend and Willow despite wanting nothing more than to be here can’t leave what is a volatile situation in Burma. She has relayed want she wants on Tara’s new stone and has also sent a video recording via email to be played at the funeral. We step into my room and all collapse onto the bed together. On top of all this we also still need to find Drusilla, Thyme had a relapse tonight. What Drusilla did was horrific and inexcusable; we can’t let it go. In some way it might be better for her once she’s dust, she won’t be insane or have to go through the agony of the visions anymore. I suppose she was lucky in a way by being turned otherwise the visions might have killed her. I’m brought back to the present by a caress to my check. I turn my head to find Xander with Spike looking over his shoulder staring at me intently.

“What?” I ask when they continue to stare.

“You really go into your own little world to brood don’t you peaches?” My look of confusion prompts Xander to explain.

“You’ve been staring at nothing for the last fifteen minutes. We have changed and everything.”

“You didn’t even stir while the two of us kissed for the last five minutes, is everything that bad?” Spike asks. Now that I smell the air I can definitely smell their joint arousal. I sigh and get up to undress.

“No, I was just thinking about everything that needs to get done. I strip down to my boxers and catch the appreciative looks from both of them. Xander’s tongue pokes out to swipe his kiss-swollen lips and I just want to take him right now. However, I keep a hold on my impulses and slowly stalk towards them both while they silently stare. Well at least I now know how to keep them quiet. I crawl onto the bed beside them and give them both a chaste kiss before moving to the empty part of the bed.

“I promise, I will have you both soon, not right now, I know we need a little more time but not long at all. Every moment I deny myself just makes it harder to.” I smile at the look of lust on both their faces and then close my eyes, faking sleep so I can avoid their looks, which would definitely test my control. I feel them settle down with Xander digging into my side and after a while I can hear his heartbeat slow and Spike’s breathing, something he always seems to do when his asleep. I doze off feeling content listening to them sleep.