So Damn Domestic

The Next Day. BPOV


Giles, Willow and Xander showed up late last night. Addison was already asleep so she won’t get to see them until visiting hours. They brought her giant teddy bears and flowers and candy. She’s spoiled rotten, I’ll give her that. And they all felt a little guilty that they didn’t get me anything but I told them it was fine because they didn’t know and even if they did know I’d want them to spoil Addison instead of me. So while I was in the bathroom Xander snuck out of the room and came back thirty minutes later with a giant teddy bear. I don’t know where all of them are staying but I know that Dawn and Kyle are staying at my house so they can take care of Matthew for me since I’m in here and Faith hasn’t left. She refused to leave last night and once Addison dozed off she crawled into my bed and we cuddled until we drifted off to sleep.


It’s morning now, around nine. Addison’s surgery is in seven hours. They said that the earlier we get it done the better because the longer the tumor stays in there the more damage it could cause. Addison’s awake but she’s being really quiet. She just woke up a little while ago and she’s not a morning person. It always takes her a while to fully wake up. She usually walks around the house like a zombie for thirty minutes until she’s had some food.


Faith’s still sleeping. I don’t know how because she’s still in her day clothes. Tight jeans and a tank top. She has got to be uncomfortable. And she’s going to have a mother of all wedgies, if she’s wearing underwear. Usually if she wears jeans as tight as these she’ll go commando. I’m cuddled up to her and she has an arm wrapped around my waist. This is the first time we’ve woken up like this in a long time. Normally we fall asleep in each other’s arms but in our sleep we’ll move around and wake up in different spots. But I woke up in her arms and I can’t help but smile.


“Faith,” I whisper and bring my hand up and gently caress her cheek. “Faith, baby, wake up.” She moves around a little bit and tightens her hold on me. This is just too cute. She hasn’t done this in a long time. Normally when I try to wake her up she’ll roll over and scoot away from me a little. I can’t blame her because she’s asleep but to see her act like this it’s just too cute. But I need to wake her up. She’ll be all cranky if I let her sleep in too much longer. She hates falling asleep in hospitals even if she’s not the patient.


“Faith, wake up,” I say a little louder then last time and shake her shoulder. She moves around a little more and finally opens her eyes. I smile really wide and give her a little kiss on the lips. “There you are. I thought I’d never get to see those beautiful eyes again.” She smiles and snuggles into me. She yawns really wide and then gives my neck a little kiss.


“How’re you doin? Any more pain?” she asks and kisses my neck again. I moan a little, I can’t help it, and she smiles against my skin. Brat’s doing it on purpose, she’s trying to make me moan. She shifts around and then kisses my throat. That’s a very sensitive area for me and she knows she’ll get a moan outta me if she kisses just right. But before she can someone coughs to get our attention. Faith pulls back and we look towards the foot of the bed to see Dr. Montgomery and she’s trying not to smile. Faith looks embarrassed but I’m not too worried. After yesterday there’s nothing I can do to embarrass myself in front of this woman.


“Sorry to interrupt, but I need to check your vitals.” I nod my head and give Faith one last peck on the lips. Then she hops off the bed and stretches her sore limps and I can hear her joints popping. She sits down on Addison’s bed and our little girl crawls into her lap. Then Dr. Montgomery walks over to me and uses the cold stethoscope to my chest and I breath in deep, then she does it on my back and I giggle a little bit.


“Everything sounds fine.” She opens up my chart and reads the notes that the nurses have made and looks up at the different monitors. Then she walks over to the heart monitor on my stomach and starts looking at the very long sheet of paper. “Everything looks ok.” Then she drops the paper and it falls back to it’s place on the floor and she smiles at me. “Well, Mrs. Lehane so far you have a clean bill of health, but yesterday I said a twenty-four hour observation and it’s only been...” she looks down at her watch. “Fourteen.” Then she walks over to Addison and she smiles at her. “And how are you doing this morning?” My little girl looks up at her and if she looked anymore like Faith right now she’d be a clone. And the look she’s giving the doctor is a ‘how the fuck do you think I’m doing?’


“I’m ok,” she says with a sigh and leans into Faith. “But uncle Kyle forgot the cherries on my ice cream last night. And Brother isn’t here yet. And my baby might be sick.” I can’t help but smile. My girl, one hundred percent unique. I watch as the doctor pulls out the little flashlight thing and shines it in my girl’s eyes as she talks to her.


“Well you don’t have a thing to worry about because your mommy and your baby are going to be ok. And if my source is right your brother is downstairs right now with a small group of people who are being beaten back by security until visiting hours start.” I have to laugh at that. I’m sure Dawnie is giving them hell. “What do you think, should I tell security to let them up?” Addison nods her head and when the doctor finishes the check up she walks over to the phone and makes the call.


“I wanna sit with Mommy,” she says to Faith and I glance over at the doctor. I don’t know if she’s allowed to leave the bed or not. I’d rather not get yelled at this morning by a bunch of doctors. But Dr. Montgomery looks at my questioning gaze and nods her head. So Faith picks up our girl and grabs the I.V. bag and brings her over to me. I wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on top of her head and lightly stroke her hair and she leans against my chest and softly brushes her little hands over my stomach and she’s careful not to tough the cords that are connecting me to the baby’s heart monitor. “If my baby’s ok why does are these still on you?” And here we go with the questions.


“Because we want to make sure the baby stays ok,” I tell her and plant a little kiss on the top of her head. Faith reaches over and holds onto one of my hands. I look into her yes and smile. She’s been so great through all of this. Seeing her being so strong…I guess it’s sort of helped me be strong too because I can trust that if I fall apart she’ll be there to help me. If she were a mess then I’d have to be the strong one but seeing her being so strong has…inspired me I guess, to try and keep myself together. She’s my safety net in case I fail and I know that no matter what she’ll catch me.


“But you don’t wear one a these at home. So how will we know my baby’s ok at home?” I sigh very slowly and squeeze Faith’s hand a little. I can use some of that strength right now. With all the stress I’ve gone through the last few hours and now Addison asking me questions about all the fears a pregnant woman normally has…let’s just hope I keep that inspiration I got from Faith.


“Well, that’s what all those doctor’s appointments are for. She doesn’t have to wear one all the time ‘cause her doctor makes sure the baby is ok. She’s only wearin one now because the baby was sick last night,” Faith says and rubs Addison’s back a little bit. I hear a little knock on the door and I look over and see my family standing there, smiling and looking a little nervous. Willow’s in the front, Dawn and Xander are flanking her and Giles is in the back. I don’t see Matthew or Kyle.


“Hey guys. I heard you were really givin ‘em hell down there.” Willow looks a little sheepish and all of them avoid eye contact and they walk into the room. Willow and Dawnie sit down on the bed and Xander and Giles stand on either side of it. It feels good being surrounded by all of them like this. “Where’s Matthew?” It would be a perfect moment if he were here.


“He, uh, got a little…upset so Kyle took him for a walk. They’ll be here soon though.” I know he’s taking this whole thing with Addison really hard. Faith told me last night that he was trying so hard not to cry when she told him that his neck was bright red and his back was so tense that he finally relaxed he had to take some painkillers his muscles had been so tight. He’s upset and I really want to go to him but I can’t. This is one of the worst feelings in the world. “We brought you two some stuff.” Why didn’t I notice the shopping bag? It’s big and pretty full. She puts it on the edge of the bed and starts pulling stuff out of it.


“We got some coloring books, and crayons, and colored pencils.” She puts those down on the bed next to me. Then she reaches back into the bag. “And we got some more Dr. Seuss books and we brought your ‘Green Eggs and Ham’.” She hands those to Addison. “And some Winnie-the-Pooh books.” She pulls out six more books and hands them to Addison. That’s it, the bag’s empty. Wait…I don’t mean to be selfish but they said they go stuff for the both of us, but they only got stuff for her. Am I missing something? Is there another bag?


“Will, I thought you said you got us both stuff,” I say and try not to sound like I’m whining but it’s a little hard. I’ll just blame it on the hormones, they all believe that. See, when you’re pregnant you get to be as bitchy as you want to anybody and get away with it. Pregnant women aren’t as crazy as everyone else thinks, it’s just really fun when you don’t have to pretend to be nice to someone when they’re pissing you off. Same with the crying thing. Normally I can get my way if I tear up because Faith can’t stand to see it. But there are times when she’s able to resist. But not when I’m pregnant. If I had cried last night I probably would have gotten out of that exam. But I was a little worried about myself and the baby. Anyway, Willow gives me this little frown and looks down at the coloring books and crayons.


“We did, we bought you the coloring stuff. We all know how much you like to doodle when you’re nervous. And this way you’ll be able to color a cute little horsy while…” she looks over at Addison and then back to me. “Stressful stuff is happening.” I give her a small smile and gently squeeze her hand. “And we figured that since Faith likes to read to the kids so much all those books are like a present for her too.” I look over at Faith and she’s wide eyed and looking very surprised and a little embarrassed. Yeah, I told Willow what it’s like when Faith reads to the kids. I thought she was gonna have a heart attack she laughed so hard. I look over at the door when I hear another knock and I see Dr. Montgomery standing there and she looks a little…excited?


FPOV


So I’m about to get all defensive about my reading habits when there’s a knock on the door, I don’t know why people keep knockin, the door’s wide open but whatever. Anyway, there’s a knock on the door and this hot redheaded doctor is standin there and she’s tryin not to smile but she’s failing at it pretty bad. What the fuck is up with her? Now that she has all of our attention she steps into the room and takes a look around at everyone before lookin at me.


“I have some good news, there’s an opening in the O.R. and if you want we can reschedule Addison’s surgery to right now instead of waiting around all day.” Well that is some good fuckin news. ‘Cause if I have to wait all day I think I might have a heart attack. B gives me a look and I smile and nod my head. Then she tells the doctor that it would be great and we’ll go ahead and do that. “Great. I need to take her for a few minutes to prep her, and you can see her before she goes in-”


“No.” Addison says and pulls away from B so she’s sittin up on the bed. Ok, what the fuck? I think everyone in the room is thoroughly confused at this point. Me and B start rubbin her back at the same time and she tenses up a little bit. That’s never a good sign and if we’re not careful she’ll start screamin at us.


“Addison, the doctor said she can make you better sooner,” B tells her and runs her fingers through our girl’s hair. Addy pulls away. “So please baby, go with the nice doctor she can get you ready.” If I weren’t expecting it Addy would’ve jumped off the bed. But I knew she’d tried to get away from us and if she did the I.V. would’ve been ripped outta her little hand and it could’ve messed her up.


“No, not ‘til I see Brother.” Oh, that’s the reason why. She starts fighting against me a little bit but I hold her against me and make a soft shushing sound. That always calms her down. And it works…a little. She’s not struggling but she’s still wicked tense.


“But, Addison, the doctors wanna make you better,” Dawn says and puts her hand on her back but Addy flinches so she pulls her hand back. And at just the very wrong time an orderly with a gurney shows up. I guess Dr. Montgomery went ahead and reserved that room thinkin we’d go ahead and take it. Well, we were but I’m not gonna make my little girl do somethin she doesn’t want to. This is somethin scary and if she wants to see Mattie before then she’s gonna. But I guess she thinks we’re going to make her go because she starts screaming at the top of her lungs. She forces her way out of my arms and tries to jump off the bed but I grab her.


“No! No! I wanna see Brother first! Nooooo!” She’s kickin and wigglin around so damn much I have to stand up so she won’t accidentally kick B’s stomach. Four doctors are in the room now, two of ‘em are holding syringes that are filled with a yellowish liquid. They need to back the fuck off before they get smacked. “No! No, no, no, no, no!” I think that’s the only word she can say right now ‘cause she’s so panicked. I’ve never seen her like this before and I never wanna see her like it again. I have her around her middle, her back is pressed against my chest and her legs are curled up and she’s clawing at my arms. It fuckin hurts and I think I’m bleeding.


“Shhh baby, shhh,” I tell her and turn her around so her face is hidden in my neck. I rub her back and she starts hitting me, saying the word no over and over again. But I finally get her calmed down enough so she isn’t hitting or screaming, but she’s sobbing loudly and saying no over and over. I look over at everyone and they all got tears in their eyes. B looks so…helpless ‘cause she can’t get out of that bed. I sit down on Addy’s bed and adjust it so the top part is slanted. I lean my back against the pillows and let my baby cry as hard as she can against my chest. Her little body is shaking really hard and the front of my shirt is soaked with tears.


“Shhh, angel girl, shhh. You’re not goin anywhere. Shhhh.” I keep tryin to comfort her but it’s no use. She’s too…far gone I guess. I’ve seen her panic before but that was so much more…intense. It was scary to see and now that my adrenaline is calmin down, it was also painful. I look down at my left arm and there are these wicked deep marks from where she was scratchin me and they’re bleeding pretty bad. But I ignore it ‘cause my baby needs me right now. As I’m rubbin her back and tellin her everything is ok I hear B and the doctor talking.


“I’ll call a psych consult,” the doctor says. A psych consult? Like a psychologist or some shit like that? They think my baby’s crazy? Ok, Faith, control the anger, don’t let it control you.


“No, it’s fine. She just needs to see her brother. She’s never had a surgery before so this is all scary. But she’ll be fine.” I don’t know. I mean, she could really want to see Mattie or she could be using the fact that he’s not here as an excuse so she doesn’t have to go into the O.R. I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t want to have an operation either. With my luck with hospitals I’d probably never wake up. “We’ll keep the operation on the schedule we set up last night, thanks.” She’s goin in at four today to get the tumor takin out. They’re gonna put my baby on a table and cut her open.


I close my eyes and just feel my baby pressed against me, holdin onto me like I’m her lifeline. I hear the doctors leave. I know it’s them ‘cause they’re all wearin the same kind of shoes, Nike runnin shoes. I gently rub my baby’s back and she quiets down a little. She’s so tired. She got barely any sleep last night. She woke me up a few times and she couldn’t remember where she was. She’s never been in the hospital before, well, when she was born but never after that. B never woke up ‘cause she was so exhausted. So I’d sneak out of the bed and hold our baby and sing to her until she went back to sleep. But she’s still so exhausted. And all this stress is finally catchin up to her.


“Shhh, baby, go to sleep,” I whisper and feel her relax a little more. She’s not cryin anymore, but she’ll hiccup every once in a while and she’s still clingin onto me like someone’s gonna try to take her away. I keep my eyes closed and I ignore everything around me except for her. I need to forget where I am. I need to forget about the stress and what might happen today. The doctors are pretty confident that everything is gonna be ok, but things can go wrong. My little baby can die today and if she dies I don’t think B’s gonna be able to handle the hurt, and my other little baby, the one growin in B’s stomach could die too, and somethin could go wrong with that too and B could bleed out and die too. So I need to forget about all this possible death ‘cause it’s just too much.


“Faith,” I hear B say but I ignore her. I just need to forget, just for a little while. Then I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Faith, baby, open your eyes.” I open ‘em just a crack and see that everyone else is gone and the door is shut. I open ‘em all the way and sit up a little straighter and Addy moves around and lets out a little groan. Even when she’s asleep she’ll let her opinion be known. “Scoot over a little.” I take a good look at her and she’s not hooked up to anything. What? I thought the doctor said she still had six more hours to go? I guess not ‘cause the little monitor for the baby is gone. So I scoot over and B uses the little remote thing to make the bed lay flat. And she lays down next to me, on her side, and I roll over onto my side so Addy’s in between us.


“Did they say how long the surgery is gonna take?” she whispers and gently stroke Addy’s hair, the part that’s getting shaved off. When she gets outta here and has a clean bill of health I’m gonna go out and buy her a bunch of hats in all different colors, maybe even a few of those round ones like on Gilligan’s Island. Definitely some Boston Redsox baseball caps. Lots and lots of those. Her hair is one of the things she asked about last night when she woke up. She asked how the doctors are gonna get to her head is her hair is in the way and I had to tell her the truth. So I said they’re gonna shave off just a little bit and she got a little upset so I’d told her we can get her some hats. That made her feel a little better. So as soon as we get home it’s gonna be hats-galore.


“They said it could take up ta five hours. It just depends on how she responds to the drugs that they’re gonna give her to go to sleep. And then they’re gonna do a biopsy on the tumor to see if we have any else to worry about, and they want her to stay here for at least a week and if her eyes aren’t botherin her anymore and she goes back to normal then we can take her home,” I whisper back and give our girl a little kiss on the back of the head. B walked out yesterday when the doctor was talkin about all this so she didn’t know the plan.


“They think it’ll be benign, but they’re not sure.” In other words this shit could come back. They already did some blood tests and a full body MRI to make sure she doesn’t have it anywhere else. But it could come back. And it could come back in a place they can’t operate and she could die. Ok, Faith, stop freakin out. You’re just bracing yourself for crash position and you’re not even sure if the plane is goin down. I just need to keep thinkin positive, the doctors will get this out of her and everything will go back to normal……..yep, back to normal…………..everything’s gonna be normal again……..ok, it’s really hard to think that when this is one of my babies we’re talking about. If it was me about to be cut open and poked at then I’d be able to believe it, or at least enough to fool everyone else.


“How are you handling all of this?” B asks and I give her a weird look. She licks her lips and shifts around a little and starts rubbin Addy’s back. “Yesterday when the doctor told us what was wrong….” She pauses for about thirty seconds, it feels like an eternity. “I couldn’t even stay in the room to listen to him explain what was going to happen. And you talked to Matthew…I don’t think I would have been able to drive home let alone tell him what’s going on.


“And then we thought something was wrong with me and this baby,” she puts a hand over her stomach. “We could have lost it, and you took care of everything, stayed composed enough to make me get an exam. You even called everyone here, I didn’t even think of doing that. How are you handling everything?” I don’t know what to say. How do I answer that? I don’t know how I’ve been handling everything, I just have. Like I’m on autopilot or something. But I have to tell her something because she looks pretty desperate for an answer.


“I just know I have to be strong ‘cause if I’m not then everything’ll fall apart.” Ok, well that’s a little bit of how I’m doin it. Denial of the seriousness of the situation is another part. Bottling everything up for later…that’s a main one. Keeping things inside is what I’m good at. I’ve had years of practice. Should I tell her that part? Maybe if I word it a little different and leave out the years of practice. Nah, I think I’ll just leave it at that ‘cause she looks a little satisfied with my answer. But I should add somethin a little cheesily romantic to really put her at ease. “And I wanna be here for you ‘cause I know how worried you are even though you’re hiding it. You shouldn’t have to be the strong one all the time. I’m here to take care of you and that’s what I’m gonna do…always.” Her eyes are watering up a little bit.


“And no one could ever take care of me as good as you do,” she says and leans over and gives me a big, wet kiss. I kiss her back but we break apart when Addy starts to move around. I guess we were kinda squishin her a little. Then B looks into my eyes and she’s gettin all…introspective? I think that’s the word. She reaches over and gently caresses my cheek. I smile a little and give the palm of her hand a little kiss. “What did I do to deserve you? How did I get so lucky?”


Ok, and why does she think she’s the lucky one? I open my mouth to talk but she puts her thumb over my lips. “Can we just go to sleep now?” I sigh and give her a little smile and nod my head. Maybe when I wake up none of this will be real and I’ll be at home playing video games with Mattie while Addy colors next to us on the floor and B screams about somethin that Tucker did. Yeah, that would be perfect.


BPOV


“You shoulda let them make you better. You shouldn’t have waited.” Matthew says and Addison gives him a weird look. We were only asleep for like an hour and a half and then one of the nurses woke us up because she had to check Addison’s vitals, just routines stuff. And thirty minutes later everyone came back, including Matthew. Willow didn’t want to say it in front of Addison what freaked Matthew out so bad earlier, so she told me when we walked to a vending machine to get everyone some snacks.


They were waiting out in the lobby for the visiting hours to start and a couple security guards were at the elevator so none of them could come up, and there was a small group of people waiting out there because a member of their family was getting an operation done. And the doctor came out and told them that they died on the operating table, that an artery ruptured and they bled out. And Matthew almost got sick and was holding back tears so Kyle took him outside and they walked around for a little while and he got Matthew to open up.


I almost started crying when Willow told me that. Just the thought of my son getting that upset and me not being there to help him…I almost couldn’t take it. But I forced myself to calm down and bottled it away. I keep doing that…locking things up. It isn’t good for me and probably what caused that little bit of pain in my stomach. I need to find a release for it soon or things could go from really bad to…whatever is after really bad. But I have to be strong, because I know Faith said she was going to take care of me but I don’t want her to have to. I want her to take care of our babies, I’ll be fine, she should focus on them instead. I don’t want her to worry about me because she already has so much on her plate right now.


“But I wanted to see you, Brother, ‘cause I might not wake up again.” Oh my God. Did she really just say that? And she said it so casually too, like it’s no big deal. All of that strength I was talking about having earlier, all of those bottled up feelings…well the cork’s about to burst off the bottle. I’m like a ticking time bomb now and I could burst into tears any minute now. I look away from them and cover my mouth with my hand and try to make it look like I’m thinking or something, but I’m really trying to make my lips stop quivering. My eyes are watering up really bad too. I feel Faith rub my back before she gets up and sits down on the bed with the kids.


“Hey, don’t say stuff like that. You’re gonna be fine. The doctor’s are gonna make you better again. You’re gonna be fine.” She already said that part. But she doesn’t sound like she’s trying to convince herself. So maybe she’s saying it to make the kids feel a little more at ease. “And when we get home I’ll buy you all those hats that I promised ya, and we’ll eat whatever you wanna eat for dinner.” It’ll be nothing but PJ’s Diner and Chinese food. Good thing both places deliver because when this is all over I doubt I’m gonna feel like going anywhere. And what was the thing about the hats? When did Faith promise her that? It is nice though, because they have to shave some of her head and I know she’s going to be a little self-conscious about it.


“Could we have Lee’s?” See, I told you. Lee’s Chinese Palace is some of the best Chinese food ever. We all love it. And when Addison was still really little it was so funny watching her eat the noodles. She’d put the end of one in her mouth and suck it up in one big slurp. It was rare that we ever made spaghetti because of how messy it is but I’m sure she would have done the same thing. Ok Buffy, stop reminiscing about the past, it’ll just depress you and make you think bad thoughts.


“Yeah, we’ll order lots and lots of Lee’s and lots and lots of stuff from PJ’s,” Faith says and gives her a little kiss on the head. I don’t know how she’s dealing with all of this. I’m a wreck over here and she’s keeping it all together. I asked her about it earlier before we took that nap and she made up some cheesy lines about being strong for me, but I know it was just to make me feel better. And it did a little bit. She’s doing what she does best: telling me sweet little lies. But the good feeling didn’t last very long because I woke up and everything was still the same. This wasn’t just some horrible nightmare. I look over at the door when I hear a little knock. I see a nurse standing there with a gurney behind her.


“We need to take her to prep. You’ll be able to see her before we take her upstairs.” ‘Take her upstairs’ why does that sound so…scary? I sigh and everyone in the room gives her a big hug and a kiss. I pick her up and take her over to the gurney and set her down. She seems fine, a little scared but other then that fine. She’s being so brave. Then again we haven’t really told her the seriousness of it. I have no idea where she got the idea that she might not wake up.


“I’ll see you in a little bit, ok angel girl?” I ask and give her a little kiss on the forehead. She nods her head and gives me a kiss on the cheek and the nurse wheels her away. She had to say her goodbyes with the scoobs because when we see her again it’ll be right before she goes into the operating room so only Faith and Matthew and me will be able to see her. I just stand there and watch until the elevator doors close and I can’t see her anymore. I feel someone wrap their arms around me and I lean back into them.


“Don’t worry Buff, she’s gonna be fine.” I smile and put my hands on top of Xander’s. I know she’s going to be ok. I have to know it, I have to believe it because if I don’t…it’ll be like I killed her if anything goes wrong and I won’t be able to handle that. I step forward and he lets go of me. I turn around and give him a hug.


“Thanks. I know she’s going to be ok but I just can’t help but worry. She’s my little baby, ya know? What if this was Miranda?” I pull back and he nods his head. He loves his little girl so much, and she’s such a daddy’s girl. “And it’s not just the surgery. Mom’s surgery went fine. It was after…when she was getting better. I don’t think I’m ever going to stop worrying about that happening to her.” He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me a little tighter then he normally would. I have to be careful though because he does need to breathe.


Ok, it’s not that I don’t appreciate that he’s out here but why is Xander comforting me? Where’s Faith at? You’d think she’d be the one out here considering our daughter was just wheeled away to get some of her head shaved. I look into the room and she’s sitting down in one of the plastic chairs and Matthew’s sitting in her lap and his neck is buried in her neck. I walk into the room and pull up another one of the blue chairs and sit down. I rub his back and he starts to shake a little bit. This is so hard on him. I didn’t think he’d be this bad. I know him and Addison are really close but I never imagined this.


“What if she doesn’t wake up?” he asks in barely a whisper and I can hear his throat tighten because of the sob trying to force its way out. Faith says a lot of things to reassure him and I keep rubbing him back. But he’s right, what if she doesn’t wake up? Then what? What are we going to do if she doesn’t wake up? How do we handle it? How do we move on? A parent should never have to bury their child, that’s not how it’s supposed to work. And I know it’s hard to lose a parent, it was so hard when I lost my mom but me and Dawnie did move on, and even though we really want her back, we’re better now. If we lose Addison how do we get over that?


I see Dawn leave the room and Kyle follows her out. This is hard on Dawnie too. And not just because this is happening to Addison but because it’s also bringing back old memories and feelings, from when this was happening to our mom. If there’s one thing I’m glad about right now it’s the fact that the doctors were able to catch this really fast. I don’t know what I would have done if we had to wait. Knowing something is really wrong but not knowing what…I’d probably go crazy. That probably would have driven me to a miscarriage. I just wish the news had been better. Like, ‘oh she has some allergies. Here’s some eye drops, two drops three times a day and everything will be fine’. Not, ‘she has a tumor in her brain and she could go blind even with the surgery, we need to cut her open’.


I hear a knock at the door and the nurse is back. She motions for us to follow her and we do. We ride a very silent and awkward elevator ride up one floor and we’re led into a really bright room where my baby girl is lying on a bed in a little gown, different then the other one, this one is plain white. I can see the bald spot on her head and she’s rubbing it with her fingertips. It’s bigger then I thought it was gonna be. I look over at Faith and she’s holding onto Matthew’s hand and he’s leaning against her, like he can’t stand on his own or something. We walk up to the edge of the bed and Addison looks up at us.


“Look at this,” she says and points to the bald spot. “It’s gonna take forever to grow back. The lady said it was gonna be a little spot, not half my head!” It’s not half her just a small chunk but she’s little and little kids tend to exaggerate. I hear the door open and Dr. Montgomery and Dr. Moon walk into the room. I guess Dr. Montgomery is going to be in on the surgery too. They’re both wearing scrubs, and scrub caps. All they need now are the gowns and the gloves and facemask and they’re ready to go. I look back at my little baby and she looks nervous, really nervous.


“Ok angel girl, the doctors are going to make you all better now, ok?” I ask and she just sits there. I give her a big hug and a kiss on her forehead. “We’ll see you in a little while, ok?” She nods her head yes and then Faith talks to her for a couple minutes. She tells her how the anesthesia is going to make her feel a little loopy before she goes to sleep. She calls it ‘happy gas’. Then she tells her some of the things that we’re going to do when Addison is all better. That we’ll have one big family day and do whatever she wants to do. Then she takes a step back and stands on the other side of me and holds onto my hand. I watch as Matthew steps forward. He looks…scared. He puts his hands on the rail on the side of the gurney and Addison puts one of her hands on top of his.


“It’s ok, Brother. Mommy and Mama said I’m gonna be ok. So I’m gonna be ok.” He just nods his head. He’s trying so hard not to cry. I’ve never seen him like this before. It’s heartbreaking to see. “And when we get home I get ta watch T.V. first.” I can’t help but smile. They have a limited amount on how much T.V. they can watch because I don’t want that to be the only thing they do. And they always fight over it because they don’t like the same shows. And don’t even get me started about the movies. They always fight over which movie they want to watch. And those fights can go on for hours.


“Ok,” he says and she leans over and gives him a big hug. “But you’re not watching ‘American Dragon’.” I can’t help but smile a little at that. That’s the show that they’re always fighting about because he hates it and she loves it. She pulls back from the hug and gives him a little smack on the arm. “Hey, I’mma big brother, we’re supposed to stop our little sisters from doin stupid stuff.” Ok, tears in my eyes. Faith wraps her arm around my lower back and pulls me to her. I hide my face in her neck so the kids won’t see my tears.


“We need to take her up now,” Dr. Montgomery says and steps forward. Me and Faith give Addison one last kiss on the forehead before they start to wheel my baby out of the room. She panics a little bit but Faith calms her down and the doctors take her away. We just stand there for a few minutes after she’s gone. I don’t know what else to do. But Faith puts her hand on my lower back and holds onto Matthew’s hand and leads us out of the room. We go back down to the lobby where the families usually wait and we join the others. I guess they’ve been waiting for us. I look down at my watch, it’s five minutes after four. We could be waiting for five hours. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I just hope I can get through it without breaking down.


FPOV


It’s been two hours. We’re all gettin a little restless. Xander has been pacing for the last half hour, B’s biting her nails, Dawn’s leg is shakin like there’s no tomorrow, Kyle’s scratchin at his bicep, Giles is cleaning his glasses, and Red’s rubbin her hands together. Every once in a while they’ll be this little white spark, like electricity or somethin but I know it’s her magic. The thought of goin to Willow about the tumor didn’t even occur to us. But I guess it wouldn’t matter. According to B they thought about usin magic to save Joyce but it could have made things worst. Messin with the human brain is a dangerous and I’m not going to risk it with my baby.


I don’t know what she did to make me better after my accident a few years ago. You remember, right? When I crashed my bike? Well, I don’t know what she did or why it didn’t fuck up but even if I had thought of it I wouldn’t let her try it on my girl. Way too risky. I look over at my boy. He’s the only one not movin around in some way. He’s been starin at the elevator doors ever since he sat down. He hasn’t said a word, hasn’t looked away. He’s just staring. As much as he wants to be I know he shouldn’t be here for this. All this waiting around can’t be good for him.


“Hey Mattie,” I whisper and lean down a little closer to him. He lets out a little ‘huh?’ but he doesn’t move, doesn’t look away from the doors. “How about I have Kyle take you home? I’ll call you when they’re all done, ok?” He looks up at me like I just slapped him across the face. There’s a little anger, and surprise, and a little hurt. But he shouldn’t be here. I’ve been trying to force myself not to think it, but if the doctor does come out of those doors with bad news I don’t want him to hear it. Not like that, not from someone he doesn’t know. “Matthew, don’t.” He looks over at the doors when they open but it’s just a nurse walking back to the large desk with some folders.


“Kyle,” I say loud enough for everyone to hear. He looks over at me. “Will you take Mattie back to the house? I’ll call when there’s news, alright?” He nods his head and gives Dawn a kiss before he gets up. I look over at Mattie but he doesn’t move. I give him a gentle shove with my elbow. “Go on. I promise as soon as we hear anything I’ll call you.” He gets up and B gives him a big hug and kiss bye but he won’t let me touch him. He’s never done that to me before.


“It’s ok, baby, he’s just stressed,” B says and lays her head down in my lap. She’s so tired. I don’t know how she’s still awake, especially since she can’t have caffeine. I’ve had at least seven cups of coffee today and I’m not a big coffee drinker. I usually have one, maybe two cups in the morning but that’s it. I guess I’m drinkin it just to give me somethin to do. I can’t just sit here and do nothing, I might go crazy. And craziness and me don’t have the best track record. I gently run my fingers through her hair with one hand and rub her stomach with the other.


“I know…still hurts a little.” She smiles and turns her head to the side and kisses my stomach. She stares up at the ceiling and zones out. I don’t know what she’s thinkin about but it must be of better times ‘cause she has this little smirk on her face. I’ll ask her about it later. I can’t just sit here anymore. I think I am goin crazy. I need to get out of here. I just…I can’t be here anymore. “Hey, baby?” I ask and she looks up at me. She looks a little nervous. “Will you be ok if I leave for a little bit?” She looks a little…mad. I feel bad about leaving. I mean, my baby’s on an operating table and I wanna leave? I know I’m being really selfish but I need to get out of here before I go insane. “I just…I can’t wait around anymore. I think I’m goin crazy.” She gets a sympathetic look on her face and she sits up.


“Ok, baby, but don’t be gone long ok? I’ll call you if the doctors come out.” I give her a kiss on the lips and stand up and stretch my arms above my head. I won’t be gone long, half an hour maybe. I just…with the waiting and bottling everything up, and not just now but ever since we found out what’s going on, I need an outlet. I need to get it out before it explodes. And if I sit here any longer I think it will. I lean down and give her one more kiss before I leave. I can’t remember where I parked the car. Oh…there it is. I hop in and start it up. It’s B’s sedan so there’s no vibrating at it comes to life. That’s one of the things I like most about my Camaro, it feels like it’s alive. I turn on the radio ‘cause I can’t stand silence and I pull out onto the road.


Everything out here looks so…normal. Like nothing bad at all is happening. I guess I never really thought about it before. How everyday people die, and not just from demons and vampires and things I can stop. But from cancer, and heart failure, and tumors and all the millions of things I can’t do a thing about. And everything else just goes on like it’s not happening at all. Like it doesn’t matter. Times doesn’t stop, the world doesn’t end, everybody doesn’t mourn. They all just go on, living their lives in blissful ignorance to all the pain around them. Ok, I really need to stop thinking like this.


I pull into the parking lot and shut off the car. I take in a deep breath and let it out really slow. Can I do this? Yeah, I think I can. It’s only walking up to a door and knocking on it. No big deal. So that’s what I do. I stand here for about a minute before it opens. I just stand here and look up at him. I don’t have to say anything, I guess the sad look on my face lets him know that something isn’t right. He steps aside and lets me in. I sit down at the foot of the bed and toy with the car keys in my hand. I can’t go to anyone else, I can’t let anyone else see me cry because I have to be strong for them. He’s the only one that can be strong for me. At least I hope so.


“You remember on Saturday how Addy knocked over that glass of soda and B said that her eye had been bothering her?” I look up at him and he nods his head. He’s leaning against the wall, arms folded across his chest and a patient look on his face. I can remember a million times he’s shown me that look before. “Remember how B said she set up a doctor’s appointment for yesterday?” Again just a simple nod. “Well, we took her to the doctor, he couldn’t find anything wrong, so we took her an eye doctor and she couldn’t find anything wrong so we took her to a neurologist at the hospital and he found something wrong.” I choke back a sob and wipe the tears away from my eyes. I came in here with every intention of breaking down but I just can’t make myself do it.


“How bad is it?” he asks in that gruff voice. God I miss the sound of his voice, not this one, but the one before the accident. It’s always been deep but so soothing at the same time. Especially when he’d whisper so only I’d be able to hear what he was saying. His ‘sweet little whispers’ that’s what I called ‘em when I was little.


“Bad. Real bad.” He sits down on the bed next to me and puts a hand on my back. I remember when I was eight I was riding my bike down the street and the neighbor’s dog jumped the fence and knocked me down. It didn’t wanna hurt me, just wanted to chew on the tires, but I got hurt pretty bad. So my dad ran me into the hospital ‘cause he thought I had a concussion. He let go of me when the doctor had him put me on the bed but that was it. I was sittin in his lap with his arms wrapped around me and my face was against his chest. I could smell is cologne and I felt so safe. I want that. I want that again.


“She has a tumor in her brain, it’s fuckin up her eye. They’re takin it out right now.” I stop to hold back the sob and he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer to him. “My baby’s sick and there’s nothing I can do about it.” He pulls me into his lap and I cry really fuckin hard. I cling onto him just like Addy clung onto me back at the hospital when the doctor wanted to operate earlier then we planned. I cry against him just like she cried against me.


Everything that I’ve been bottling up is coming out only I don’t feel any better. I thought this would make some of the hurt go away, some of the worry and panic and anger and everything else I was feelin, but it’s not. It’s not but I can’t stop crying. Now that I’ve started I can’t stop and he’s holding me and stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head. I remember how he used to this to me when my mom’s words did get to me. He always told me to just ignore her but when you’re little it’s hard not to take some of that shit personal. And he’d hold me and let me cry, just like he is now.


The tears are startin to calm down a little and I’m not sobbin as hard. My eyes are gettin heavy though. But I can’t go to sleep. I need to get back to the hospital. Even if I feel like I’m about ready to drop I need to get back, I promised B. I need to get back and check on her, make sure she’s doin ok. And my little, little baby, the one still in her stomach. I need to make sure both of ‘em are ok. I should probably call home and see ow Mattie’s doin. I have too many things to do to sleep right now. Too many things to get done. I yawn really wide and snuggle into my dad a little closer and close my eyes again. Well, maybe for just a couple minutes.


“Dolly-face.” No, I don’t wanna go to school today. I was havin a good dream. I feel somethin shake my shoulder. “Dolly-face, wake up.” No. I don’t wanna. “Faith, get up.” Ok, jeez, don’t pull a muscle. I open my eyes a little and take a look around. This isn’t my bedroom. Where the fuck am I? I look up and see my dad lookin at me, tryin to wake me up. What is he doin here? And why does this pillow smell like cheese? “Buffy called your cell phone so I answered it. You gotta get back to the hospital.” Hospital? Why would I need- oh fuck! I try to jump off the bed but my body hasn’t quite caught up with my mind and I almost fall. “I’ll drive ya there.” Ok then.


We leave the room and get into his car and the interior is just as crappy as the outside. The dashboard’s all fucked up, the seats are fallin apart and you have to start it with a screwdriver. But I don’t care about any of that right now. I just need to get back to the hospital. What happened? Did something bad happen? Did everything go ok? Was the tumor malignant? Is it gonna come back? Did Addy wake up yet? Is she blind or can she still see? Is she even alive? How could I have fallen asleep for so long? I wish I knew what time it is. I really need ta know. Is Buffy ok? Did she have a miscarriage? Or is Addy still in surgery and Buffy just needs me there with her?


My dad parks the car and we jump out and take off towards the front doors. He follows me over to the elevator and I push the button for the third floor. That’s where everyone is. Or at least that’s where they were when I left. I don’t know if they’re still there or not. Come on, can’t this thing move any faster? What is taking so fuckin long? I swear this is the slowest elevator on the fuckin planet. Finally the doors fuckin open. We step out and I walk down the hall towards the waiting area. I see everyone sitting there, lookin up at Buffy. She’s standing up and listening to Dr. Montgomery as she tell her…whatever it is she’s tellin her.


“We were able to stop the bleeding, but she needed a transfusion.” That doesn’t sound good at all. “The tumor was a lot deeper in her brain then we thought. And because we had to go deeper she lost more blood then we anticipated.” That doesn’t sound good either. But all of this means she’s still alive, right? I mean, you don’t give a blood transfusion to a dead person. And the doctor doesn’t sound sad or anything, so Addy’s still alive? “We won’t know until she wakes up if she can still see or not.” Thank God she’s alive. “We’re running a biopsy of the tumor and we’ll have the results sometime tomorrow. And if everything checks out and she recovers as good as we think she will you’ll be able to take her home in a week.” B thanks the doctor and she walks off. I wrap my arms around Buffy and she hugs me back just as tight.


“She’s fine, everything’s fine,” B says and I can feel her tears on my neck. I rub her back and stroke her hair but she needs to get this out. She’s holding back though. She’s not gonna cry in front of the others. She sniffles really fuckin loud and pulls back from the hug and wipes the tears that were startin to fall. “Where did you go?” She asks and I look around for my dad. He’s sittin in one of the chairs a few seats away from everyone else. She follows my gaze and smiles a very small smile at him. Then we look at each other and I take in a deep breath.


“I…I just needed someplace ta go, ya know?” she nods her head yes. Of course she’d understand, ‘cause she felt the same. “And I sorta fell asleep.” I can’t help but look away. How could I fall asleep? Buffy needed me here, I knew that and yet. “How long was I gone?” She tells me I was only gone for an hour. Thank God. If I had been gone any longer then that then I’d really feel like an ass. “Well, I need to go call Mattie, and then we’ll go see her, how does that sound?” She says it’s fine and I give her a big kiss and another hug and then another kiss before I go to the pay phones and call the house. She’s ok. My baby girl’s ok. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more relieved in my entire life. I just hope things stay ok, ‘cause I don’t know how much more I can take.