Quantum Xander II: In Wake of the Curse

Part 31

Willow couldn’t believe what she had just heard. Xander had been gone for almost a year. He had had to fight for his life, had seen things that no one should have to see, and had no one to share it with. Well, not at first anyway. She was still a bit confused on the two Spikes issue, but it was her own role in the whole thing that really upset her. She had done this to her best friend.

“I didn’t mean to. Oh Goddess, Xander. I would never do that to you; you have to believe me.”

“I’d like to, Willow. I really would, but how do you explain it then? I was under a spell. You put it on me. You changed who I was. How do I get past that?”

“It… It wasn’t like that. Will you let me explain?”

“Sure. Explain to me how you didn’t mean to take away my choices, how denying who I am was suppose to help me.”

Willow couldn’t stop the tears that ran down her face. She had never seen Xander behave so indifferently toward her. It hurt. A lot. She remembered back to when it had happened and began speaking.

“It was just after Jesse died. I found out what happened, that you had staked him. Oh Xander, I felt so bad for you, having to go through that. I just wanted to help you. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

Xander motioned for her to continue, and Willow ducked her head before speaking again.

“I loved you. I think I always have. I saw the way it was hurting you, tearing you up inside and I only wanted to make the pain go away. So I did a spell. It was supposed to make you forget - purge the feelings of guilt and regret you had over Jesse. It was supposed to make it so that you would never feel guilt over Jesse again. I didn’t know that you were in love with him. That changes everything.”

Xander just continued to watch his best friend from childhood as she tried to make sense of what had happened. He was beginning to figure it out for himself as well. It didn’t make this any less painful, but it did make him feel a bit better about Willow. She had only been thinking about him, not herself, after all.

“I guess, the spell made it so that you would never fall in love with another guy, therefore you wouldn’t feel any guilt about being with him and betraying your memory of Jesse. Goddess, Xander. I only wanted to help you. I wanted to take your pain away, and all I’ve done is cause you more. I’m so sorry; I should never have done it. I was stupid and immature, and I’m a bad witch. I should never use magic again; I only end up hurting people.”

Willow began to cry and Xander gathered her in his arms. He couldn’t be mad at her anymore - well not a lot anyway. They were just kids then, and Willow had only been trying to help him.

“I understand now. But Wills, you can’t make decisions for people like that. It’s wrong to take a person’s pain away from them. I would have come to terms with Jesse’s death on my own. I know you learned your lesson after you and Tara broke up, and I’m proud of you for not doing magicks anymore. Well, other than today anyway, but that was an extenuating circumstance. You have to let people live their own lives; just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. Look what happened to Buffy? Everything that has happened since she came back was because of us. If we had just accepted her death, her sacrifice, none of this would be happening. She’d be in heaven, Spike wouldn’t have gotten a soul just to try and win her love, and The First Evil wouldn’t be about to spring loose on the world.”

Willow nodded her head and sat up. She knew that Xander was right, that she had messed up big time. She had no way of making the past right, but she could do something to make things better between her and her best friend.

“Whatever happens, Xander, I’m on your side. If Spike makes you happy, then I’m all for it.”

“Thanks, Wills. But I’m not entirely sure what’s going on there. We… Our bonding was kind of an accident. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but now that it did, I kinda like it. I mean, he’s not my Spike… except that he is now, I guess, but not the one I fell in love with… except that I did. Damn it. This is hard to explain.”

Willow giggled slightly and patted Xander’s shoulder.

“I get it.”

“Okay. So he’s not the first one I loved, but he’s here now.”

Xander placed his hand over his heart and smiled at Willow.

“And I don’t want to change that. But I want the other one back, too. I need him. Does this make sense to you?”

“Yeah. If I lost Tara, and then found another Tara and fell in love with her - which I would, ’cause she’d be Tara, you know? I’d still always want the first one back as well. Just because you love someone new, it doesn’t mean you stop loving the first person.”

“Exactly.”

“So, how do we get your other Spike back?”

“No we, just me. I don’t want you involved in this. You and spells are not a good idea, especially one as powerful as this one would have to be.”

“I know that. I just meant I could help you look. I am research girl, you know.”

“Oh. In that case, thanks. I need to talk to Deadboy first, and the green guy said he might have an idea.”

“Okay. Should I go and get Angel?”

“Yeah, guess I should get that over with.”

Xander ran his hands back through his hair and sighed. He really didn’t want to have this conversation. He knew that Angel was only doing what he always did - sticking his nose in where it didn’t belong - but he really wished he didn’t have to deal with this right now.

Xander looked up and smiled grimly as Angel entered the office and closed the door behind him.

“Xander.”

“Angel.”

“You plan on explaining?”

“Which part? Spike, or the Gaelic?”

“Both. Start with Spike, I don’t think I’m ready to hear the explanation for the other. Not yet, anyway.”

Angel sat behind his desk and took a bottle of Irish whiskey and a couple of glasses from a cabinet behind him. He handed one of the glasses to Xander and poured them each a drink.

“Well, I suppose the first thing I should do is welcome you to the family.”

Xander blushed bright red and looked frantically at the door.

“Um, can we maybe skip that part? I mean, you’re kinda noisy, and they’re all right out there in the lobby…”

Xander trailed off as Angel blanched and set down the bottle. Xander realized with a start that that wasn’t the kind of welcome Angel was talking about.

“And you meant you were going to welcome me with a drink, didn’t you?”

“I guess I’m ready to hear about the other now.”

“Um, alright but I still think it would easier if I explain about Spike first.”

“Alright. As long as you explain.”

Xander started at the beginning. He told Angel about how he had woken up that first morning, confused and not sure of anything. How he had jumped around to different realities - including one where Acathla was in charge. When Angel asked why he hadn’t attempted to stake him, Xander blushed and told him that it was kinda hard to stake someone who you’d been intimate with. Angel refrained from asking questions after that and just let Xander continue with his tale.

Finally, Xander came to the end. He told him about what had been going since he’d been home - he left out the bit about Spike having a soul; that was his story to tell or not to tell. Then he told him he could make his soul permanent.

“You… How?”

“I got a spell from another me. He and the Angel of his world have been together since high school. He found it, and used it to anchor your double’s soul after Angelus was turned loose following their first time. It works. I can do it right now if you want.”

“I… You’re sure?”

“Uh huh. I wouldn’t suggest it otherwise. I’m the last guy who wants to see Angelus unleashed - I’m family now, and I know how he treats family.”

Angel nodded his consent and watched as Xander walked to the door.

“I just need my bag. I’ll be right back.”

Angel closed his eyes and smiled. If this worked, he could finally tell Cordelia that he loved her. He could finally be with her the way he wanted to be, the way he hoped she wanted him to be. Just the thought was almost enough to make his soul disappear.

Xander came back into the office and opened a worn out old gym bag and pulled out two books and set them on the desk. Then he started rummaging around in the bag again. Angel looked at the books and his eyes bugged out at the title on the larger book.

“My God. Xander, do you know what this is?”

“That? Yeah, it’s a spell book. I got it from some Chinese-looking demon lady.”

“Ming Chi?”

“I don’t know. She owns a bookstore on Wilkins Street.”

“Xander, this book… Have you used it?”

“Yeah.”

“You… You can read it?”

“Yeah. But only sometimes. I guess I’m not ready yet.”

“Holy shit. This book only reveals itself to true magic users. You have to be of both dark and light - balanced, or it remains blank. Even I can’t see the words and I’m a demon with a soul. How much more balance is there than that?”

Xander just shrugged and put the spell book back into his bag. He didn’t need it anyway; he was trying to get it out of the way so he could find the ceramic bowl and the lighter he had stuffed in there before leaving that morning.

“Aha! There it is.”

Xander pulled out the little black Bic lighter and set it on the desk next to the saran-wrapped ceramic bowl full of herbs and other less pleasant ingredients.

“You ready?”

“Yes. What do I have to do?”

“I’m going to light this…”

Xander pointed to the bowl.

“…And then I’m going to start the spell. When I point to you, I want you to let three drops of your blood fall into the flames. No more, no less. Got that?”

“Sure. Um, what happens if I screw up?”

“Don’t screw up.”

Angel swallowed and then took a deep, relaxing breath.

“Okay. Let’s do this.”