Choices

Chapter Twenty-Nine

The heavy pounding at his door knocked Angel from his thoughts. Or, brooding as Spike would call it. Then Buffy would defend him and tell Spike to leave him alone. Shaking his head, Angel made his way to his door and was surprised to find Spike on the other side. Surprise soon gave way to worry.

"Is it Buffy? Is she all right?"

"She's fine. Well...as fine as she can be I suppose."

"You've talked to her then."

Spike nodded. "Have you?"

"Briefly."

"Can I come in or do I have to talk to you in the hallway?"

"Hall works."

"Let me in Angel. Stop being a child."

"That's rich coming from you."

"Maybe I've learned something from my grandsire then."

"Come in, Spike," Angel muttered and stepped aside.

Spike started to enter then stopped abruptly. "You're not sporting any stakes are you?"

Angel shot him a look and then shook his head. "You?"

"Nope." Spike sauntered in taking in the bare walls and barely there furniture. "Nice, empty place you got here."

"It does the job."

Spike turned to him. "You've got a home, you know."

Angel looked at him, shocked once again.

Spike sighed heavily and looked down at the floor, apparently gathering his thoughts. "We've got some things to discuss, Angel."

"I have a couch and some chairs in the other room...why don't we go there?"

"Lead the way."

Angel felt as if he'd stepped into an alternate reality as his grandchilde followed behind him. Settling himself in an armchair, he studied Spike silently, trying to get a feel on what Spike was up to.

Spike sat, took in the still sparse surroundings, and decided not to make small talk. He had some things to say and dammit, he was going to say them.

"I'm sorry for keeping the truth from you about me and Buffy--" He began.

Angel snorted.

"I AM sorry," Spike said starting to get defensive. "For the record, I did want to tell you and she--okay, I'm not here to place blame anywhere. I'm done with that."

"What is it you want then?"

"Look Angelus, we have a past you and I. Lots of moments where I've wronged you, or you've wronged me."

"That's because you were always an insolent childe."

"And you were always an arrogant asshole."

"Takes one to know one."

"Where do you think I learned it from?"

Both vampires glared at each other.

"You stole Dru from me," Spike said quietly, looking down.

"I didn't steal her from you. I had Darla. It was Dru that attached herself to me that way--she knew I had Darla that whole time."

"She still loved you, Angelus. That didn't change. You MADE her for christ's sake."

Angel looked away, "I know."

"I hated you for it."

"I know."

"She never truly loved me. Not the way she loved you. She could never commit herself to me, never be with just me."

"She was crazy, William," Angel felt regret wash over him. "I made her that way."

"Did you ever love her?"

Angel sat back and sighed, "I don't know that I ever loved her the way she wanted me to. At first she was something to conquer and destroy. She was so religious, so close to her faith and I took joy in corrupting her." He stopped and shook his head. "I can't change what I did before, but I would if I could. You know what it's like."

Spike nodded, "I do."

Silence fell.

"I respected you, I didn't show it, but I did." Spike said quietly, looking directly at Angel.

Angel's jaw dropped.

"And I still respect you, Angelus. You taught me the bulk of what I know today. You helped me survive despite the times we've butted heads."

"You're my grandchilde," Angel whispered. "You're part of my blood."

"Which is why I'm through blaming you and competing with you. What's done is done and can't be changed. However, it can be mended. I'm willing to do that. I love Buffy. I love her with every part of my heart, soul and blood. The demon inside me loves her, the dead heart within my chest loves her."

"I get the point, William," Angel snapped.

"Which is why I'm here to tell you that I'm not giving her up. I'm not letting her go. And, if you love her as much as I do, then you won't give her up either."

Angel's eyes narrowed, "what exactly are you saying?"

"I'm saying that Buffy is not like Dru. She's not fickle, she knows where her heart lies. It lies with you and I. Dru loved me only when you weren't there to tend to. She died loving you and only you. I took care of her, and she cared for me, but she was never WITH me. Buffy...Buffy isn't like that. She's ALWAYS been there for me and with me. There was a time there when I didn't think she was so much, but I realize now she was still figuring out her heart. She has now. She knows what and whom she wants. It's both of us. She doesn't love one of us above the other, she loves both of us the same. She is capable of giving herself to us and I think we'd be daft to let that go."

"You're saying that you want us BOTH to be together with her?"

Spike nodded. "Yes. Unlike with Dru, I'm willing to share Buffy with you. Dru was fragile because she was crazy, Buffy is fragile because she's human with a dangerous job. Forever isn't an option with Buffy's life span. I'm not going to let my insecurities of losing her to you stand in my way of being with her. I finally get it, and I got it last night--"

Angel jumped up from his chair. "What happened last night?" He was seeing red.

"Nothing happened, Angelus, so sit. Back. Down."

Angel glared and sat.

"I was depressed and losing myself in a bottle the way I usually do. I had seen Buffy earlier that night and I have no strength when it comes to her. She makes me weak, I can admit it. I have always been love's bitch."

"I know how you feel," Angel muttered.

"She kept explaining to me how she loved us both with her whole heart. That her whole heart was ours, not just mine, not just yours. Her WHOLE heart. I never got it, I kept thinking of Dru and how she said she loved me, but was looking over her shoulder wondering about you the whole time.
She came to see me last night. She knows me, that girl. Knew I was in a bad way and wanted to show me how much she loved me. She stayed with me until I fell asleep. She let me rail at her, cry on her...she was there with me, never leaving my side--only when I asked her to.
I get it now. I get how she loves us. She's never discriminated between us. I look back on the past few years and I can't believe how blind I was not to see it. Whether I'm drowning in a bottle or you're brooding your un-life away--Buffy isays ays there to pick us up, dust us off and piece our broken pieces back together.
She was there with me last night. ME. It struck me as I was there with her that if it was you that had been broken like I was, she would have been there for you too. She would have made you laugh or done whatever she could to lighten your mood. If it were both of us, then she wouldn't have put either of us on the backburner. The funny part of it was...I wasn't jealous anymore of you.
This whole time...I blamed you. Again. Thought I lost another one to you. It's not like that with Buffy though. She truly does love us both and without us, she feels incomplete, just like without her, I feel incomplete."

"So do I."

"I came here out of respect to you, Angelus. As my grandsire; and as a man. I'm telling you now that I'm staying with Buffy. I'm not giving her up; I'm not letting her go. And, because I love her so damned much and I know that she loves you too, I'm asking you--no TELLING you that you should do the same."

Angel sat there, not knowing what to say. He felt completely baffled and was not about to admit that to Spike or anyone.

Spike stood. "We were brought together once before because of Dru. We then had a common bond--a soul. We never did get our shit together to mend those fences that were so broken before. Then, we were brought together once again. For Buffy. She needs us. BOTH of us. . . I?d rather it be you than some shmuck off the street.

You brood about it for a while and get back to us on it. Don't wait too long, you don'nt tnt to lose her."

It was amazing, Angel had always been the elder-- in age, power and in knowledge. Now it was he, Angel, that felt like the childe in comparison to his grandchilde. The question was: Would he be able to overcome his own fears of abandonment and be the man, the respected elder, that Spike was calling on him to be?


A/N This was kind of a hard chapter to write. Mainly because I did not want to make Angel out to be some baby. I'm setting the stage for these characters. Keep reviewing please! :) It keeps me writing!