Cause and Effect

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Chapter Thirty
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Spike startled awake to find himself enveloped in pure warmth. He was curled against it. Arms wrapped it around him. **Arms!** He jerked backward, stumbling out of the bed as sudden, unreasoning panic blind-sided him. On one level he knew it was Xander -- even before he focused on the form on the bed. On another, he didn't care. He just had to *escape*. It wasn't brains. It was gut-level instinct.

"I sodding *hate* this!" He shouted to the sleepy Xander. He sneered as the boy wiped the sleep from his eyes, and blinked blearily, trying to focus on him.

"Hate what?"

"This!" Spike snapped, waving vaguely in the direction of the bed, and Xander.

"Oh," Xander said softly, hurt emanating from him in palpable waves. "You didn't have to sleep in here, Spike. You could have--"

"Not *that* you git!"

Xander growled, rolling out of bed. "What then?! It's too early for guessing."

Spike's eyes widened slightly. Xander had actually *growled* at him, and it hadn't been a 'human' type 'I'm mad' growl, either. It had been far more . . . animalistic. **What the hell?**

"I hate *this*," Spike repeated, this time clutching his fist to his chest. "I hate tie tightness in here! I hate feeling all sodding . . . *vulnerable*. I hate it!"

Xander's expression softened instantly.

That's all he needed! *Pity*. He shook his head, spinning away. At least then he wouldn't have to see it.

"Of course you do," Xander said firmly.

Spike was surprised not hear the 'sympathy' he'd expected, had almost cringed waiting for. Xander had made a simple statement of fact.

"Look, Spike, *no one* likes that feeling. It's only nat--"

"Stuff it, Harris!" Spike snapped, whipping back around. "You can't understand, so *don't* pretend you do."

"You're right," Xander admitted. "I don't. I've never been. . . ."

"Been *what*, Harris? Tortured? Mutilated? *Raped*?"

"None of the above actually, and give my track record, I'm more grateful than I can *possibly* express," he said calmly. "I don't *have* to understand everything you're going through to understand vulnerability -- and the hating of it."

Xander strode fearlessly forward, stopping only inches from Spike. "I *have* been -- among other things -- almost killed by a praying mantis lady," he continued in a low, fierce tone, the volume rising with each item he ticked off a finger, "almost sucked dry of all my bodily fluids by a thousands year old *mummy*, bashed over the head and kidnapped by an insane, lovesick vampire, got possessed by a hyena spirit, offered up to you -- by *Angel* no less, who I thought had suddenly reverted to Angelus -- as a *snack*."

Xander stopped raging suddenly, and all the heat drained out of him. He continued in tone reminiscent of an advertising announcer. "Not a complete list, and necessarily in that order."

Spike chuckled. He couldn't hold it in. That list was . . . well, he actually couldn't think of an apt comparison, but it was *something* alright.

"Oh, and I forgot the biggest, scariest, most feeling-vulnerable-inducing incident of all."

"There's *bigger* than all that?" Spike asked, not bothering to control his smirk. This was just *too* good. "More scary than being abducted by 'a lovesick, insane vampire?" Besides, he thought, it was making him forget his own troubles, and that definitely made it 'of the good'.

"Kinda related actually."

"Related?"

"Yup," Xander nodded solemnly, then chuckled. "In more ways than one."

"Well?" Spike urged impatiently, wanting to know what was scarier than being kidnapped by the pre-chip big bad himself.

"One night," Xander began slowly, pausing for dramatic affect, "Drusilla punched out Angelus, ripped me right out from under his fangs, told me she loved me, and asked me how I felt about eternal life."

Spike gaped. "Dru wanted to *turn* you!?"

Xander shuddered visibly. "Yeah."

"And *Angelus* was going to let her?"

Xander shrugged uncomfortably. "Apparently; he backed off -- growling, mind you, but he backed off."

"How in all that *isn't* holy, did you get away?"

"Cordelia saved me," Xander replied sheepishly.

"Cordelia?" Spike repeated. He couldn't *possibly* have heard that right.

Xander nodded, whacked Drusilla on the back of her head with a two by four and ran, dragging me behind her. We were in Buffy's front yard, so we didn't have far to go."

"And just *when* did this happen?" Spike asked suspiciously. He and Dru were still together the last time Angelus made an appearance -- that *he* was aware of.

Xander sighed. "When a love spell backfired and I had every, and I do mean *every* woman in town insane for me, and chasing me through the streets of Sunnydale."

"You cast a love spell? Who on?"

"No, had it cast. I blackmailed Amy into it. And Cordelia."

Spike blinked, sorting through the strange information. "And it backfired?"

"Oh yeah, big time. Cordelia was the only one unaffected."

"Okay, now I'm really glad I decided against making Willow cast one on Drusilla. Who knows what I'd have had after me."

"A slug demon?"

"Ha, ha," Spike replied, rolling his eyes. "Every woman you say?" he continued, eyes sparkling.

Xander grinned back at him, nodding again.

"The slayer?"

"Yup."

"Red?"

"And that's another yup."

"No way, not . . . the slayer's mum?"

Xander shuddered again. "Oh, yeah, and talk about your hellmouth type creepy; that was just *beyond* plain weird."

"Hey!" Spike objected, "Joyce is a good lookin woman -- was."

"Oh, get real!" Xander exclaimed.

"You don't think she was a good looking woman?"

"Well, yeah," Xander hedged, "in an objective, kind of, *really* not interested sort of way -- But, I mean, come *on*. Can you imagine one of *your* mom's friends hitting on you -- back in the day?"

"GAH!" Spike exclaimed, a shudder traveling the entire length of his body. "Don't *say* things like that!"

"Awwwww," Xander faux pouted, "did I just send you to a scary mental place? And, *hey*, that's *my* word."

"Not funny, Harris! My mum's friends were trussed up, over-dressed sour-pusses that wouldn't have known what sex was if they saw it happening. And, *not*; to coin a phrase. Just cuz you overuse it, doesn't mean a damn thing."

"Okay, my turn for the scary mental image. And pththththth!"

Spike truly laughed then, shaking his head at the utter inanity of the conversation they'd just had. "Can you bloody solve *every* problem you come across with jokes?"

Xander's grinned again. "Nah, only about. . . ." he paused, pretending to carefully consider his answer, "90%."

"Git!"

"Evil undead."

"Pillock."

"Jerk."

"Wanker."

"Occasionally."

"P-- Okay but you broke the rhythm!" Spike accused, chortling. He couldn't believe Harris had slipped that in. This night was getting strange *fast*.

//Getting?//

"I still hate it," Spike said, this time without the heat.

"Yeah, Xander acknowledged. "We'll work on that.

Tightness coiled in Spike's chest, the simple truth in Xander's quiet words warming him down to his toes. His eyes widened, his gut twisting as it suddenly hit him that he had the perfect solution -- a scary one, but it should work.

"What's wrong?"

Spike shook his head. "Nothing," he said softly, closing the remaining distance between them. He reached up to cup Xander's jaw, trying to stop his hand's trembling as he did so. He leaned forward, brushing his lips across a startled Xander's.

**Okay, not so bad,** he thought, moving closer. The wave of arousal he felt rolling off Xander was both encouraging and intimidating. **I'm going to bloody do this!** he told himself. **So, leave me the sodding hell alone!** Telling himself to continue, Spike dropped his free hand down, lightly trailing his fingers over Xander's groin.

"Eep!" Xander yelped, jumping. "Naughty touching!"

Spike grinned, feeling his sense of control return even as he fought the buzz of fear that coiled inside him, and he brushed Xander just a little more firmly.

Xander responded to the touch with an "Erk!" and a jump back. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Thought that would be obvious," Spike replied with a leer, immediately reclosing the distance between them.

"Nope, not obvious," Xander denied nervously. "The obvious thing can't be right, cuz, you were just freaking out about that kind of thing just--"

"Xander," Spike said, a hand held firmly over the human's mouth, "you're babbling. Stop it." Ignoring the band constricting his chest, Spike leaned back in to resume their interrupted kiss. It was working. As long as he could concentrate on soothing Xander's worries, he didn't have to think about his own. He could push them down and away. He could ignore the not so good tingles in favor of all the good ones. He *could* do this.

"No," Xander mumbled against his mouth, wrenching his head to the side.

"Why not?" Spike whispered, his voice low and seductive. "You want to, can feel it, can't I," he continued, purposefully rubbing against Xander's obvious erection.

"No, Spike, we can't. It's not right. You're not--"

Spike jerked away, almost changing into his demonic visage when a sudden moment of clarity -- a remembrance of pain -- stopped him. Oh yeah, real well trained he was, but he *really* didn't want another 'kitchen scene'.

"Not good enough for a human, is that right? Damaged goods, and all that rot!"

"No!" Xander exclaimed. "God, no! Of course not. That is *so* not what I meant."

"Right, Harris, tell me another one," Spike sneered, backtracking into complete defense mode.

"Damn it, Spike!" Xander shouted, his anger rising to match Spike's.

Spike felt the bond tremble with it. Surprised at its intensity, Spike took an involuntary step back. He hadn't realized the kid had that inside. Though, he supposed he should have, after what he'd felt when Angel made his offer.

"Are you flippin *blind* as well as crazy? All you have to do is *feel* what I'm feeling through the bond."

"This is in *old* refrain," Spike sneered sourly, adding in a renewed dose of bitterness for good measure. Oh, yeah, it was old hat. "Good enough to lust after; not good enough to *fuck*."

"STOP it!" Xander demanded, reaching out to grab Spike's arm.

"Don't worry, I'll be going. I'll be out of your way in two shakes." Ignoring the hand on his arm, he started for the door.

"You're not going *anywhere*!" Xander snapped, darting around him to stand directly in his path.

Spike flinched as he bumped into Xander, gasping at the solid wave of emotion that hit him. He couldn't even *begin* to sort through it all -- the sheer strength of it, setting off every alarm bell Spike had. It was that, more than Xander's demand that had him slipping closer to try again. "If you want it so bad," he leered, thrusting his hips into Xander's suggestively, "why are you bloody fighting it so hard?"

**Damn you, Xander Harris, just *do* this, already!**

"Why are you doing this, Spike?" Xander asked breathlessly, his hands flat against Spike's chest, pressing, holding the distance between them, but not actively pushing him away.

"Want to," Spike answered quickly -- too quickly.

//Liar!//

"No, you don't," Xander retorted flatly, this time pushing Spike away hard.

"Who the fuck are you to tell what I want?"

"I'm the bastard that has a direct connection to all those churned up feelings of yours, *remember*?"

"Doesn't make you a Spike expert," Spike muttered sullenly, looking away.

"You're right. It doesn't," Xander agreed immediately. "In fact I don't have a single clue *why*. Not why you think I'd really believe you'd *want* to do something that has you tied up in so many knots you don't even know where you begin and where you end. Not why--"

"Not all tied up!" Spike muttered defensively.

"Yeah, right!" Xander snapped right back at the stubborn vampire. "That's why you're shaking so hard you can barely stand up!"

"Because I'm furious!" Spike shot back defensively, willing his traitorous body to just *stop*. He could get past this! He *had* to.

Xander threw his hands up in defeat. "Fine, Spike. Don't let me in, but until you can; I won't touch you." He spun away, stalking toward the door, then stopped and turned back.

"You know what *else* I don't get?" Xander asked, not waiting for a reply before continuing. "I don't get why you could think, for even one moment, that I'd completely ignore the fact that you're terrified, and say, 'what the hell, let's do it.' "

Spike groaned as Xander turned away again. "I *shouldn't* feel this way," he said quietly, so quietly he wasn't sure Xander would actually hear him. He hoped so though; he sure wasn't going to say it again.

Xander turned back to face him, shock written across his face, and reverberating through the bond. "You shouldn't?" he asked, his words sounding confused.

He shook his head vehemently. "Of course not! Can't you understand that?

"No, not really," Xander replied, stepping closer. "But I'm trying, and I'm listening."

"It shouldn't matter what happened," Spike continued, not sure what had opened the flood gates, but now he wanted to talk, he couldn't *not* talk. "I'm a *vampire* fer christ sake! Xander, do you have *any* clue how many times I've been in situations where I've done . . . 'things' . . . I didn't want to?"

Xander shook his head mutely.

"Too many too count, that's how many!" he snapped. "This was the first time that -- I mean other than An -- *Damn it!** Spike spun away. He couldn't look at Xander right now.

"Was it ever because of someone weaker than yourself?" Xander asked matter-of-factly.

"Spike jerked back around, incredulous. "Of course bloody not!"

"Ah."

"Ah what?! Don't pull thrap rap on me. I've read all the soddin psychology books too!"

"You have?!" Xander exclaimed, then immediately shook his head. "Never mind, subject for later. "I'm sorry, guess I spent too much time listening to Buffy and Willow back in Psych 101."

Spike shrugged, not really caring about that at this point. "So what did you mean?"

"Nothing, just, 'ah', as in I understand."

"That wasn't a 'nothing' ah, that was a 'something' ah. Now spill!"

"Geez, Spike, just give yourself time. You were--"

"I knew you wouldn't understand. It *shouldn't* bloody matter. It's all part and parcel of the vampire gig. If you're strong you dominate. If you're weak you submit. Plain and simple." Spike paused, closing his eyes. "I wasn't always strong."

"I see."

"Do you?" Spike asked, uncertain it *could* be understood by anyone other than demons.

Xander nodded. "Possessed, remember. The other's don't know this, but I remember *everything* I did while the hyena spirit controlled me. The stuff you're talking about, it was all part of the pack thing too, a struggle for dominance, for leadership, for mates."

Hell, maybe Harris really did understand.

"I take it, Angelus didn't protect--"

"Oh, yeah, he did," Spike replied cutting off the rest of Xander's words, "in his own way. He certainly made sure no one went 'too far'. That was *his* territory, and he always was a possessive git."

This was both easier and harder to talk about than 'that other'. It certainly wasn't as painful to think about, but it was more . . . revealing of himself than 'that other' was. 'That other' was an aberration, a glitch. *This* was a good part of who he was, what *made* him who he was.

"Okay, again with the scary mental images," Xander 'ewwed' with a laugh.

"By the time he disappeared, I was strong enough to defend both myself and Dru. It never happened again." Of course, there'd been . . . opportunities to do so willingly, but he'd never run across anyone he'd been willing to submit to -- no one strong enough. **Well,** he amended silently, **no one strong enough *and* didn't revolt me.** He knew most humans didn't think of it that way, but it was almost bred into demon thinking.

"And what about," Xander paused, "you can tell me this is none of my business if you want, but, what about willingly? I mean have you ever. . . ."

Spike shook his head, and basically repeated his thoughts on the matter, leaving out the bits about submission. "Only Ang--"

"I *beg* you not to finish that statement."

Spike smirked, purposefully opening his mouth.

"Don't."

"Seriously," Xander said softly, reaching out to lay his hand on Spike's arm, his words stalling when Spike stiffened.

When Xander started to pull his hand back, Spike quickly reached up and put his own over it.

Xander relaxed, leaving it where it was. "Seriously here, Spike. Someone you consider vastly inferior took something from you -- something that apparently you never even *gave* before."

"You're forgetting--"

"Yes, I'm trying very *hard* to forget. Besides, he doesn't count."

Spike snorted. "He doesn't?"

Xander shook his head. "No."

"You want I should tell him you said that?"

Xander grinned, his eyes lighting up. "Go for it."

"Nah," Spike decided, "too easy."

Spike sighed when Xander doggedly returned to the subject. "All that's bound to throw you for a loop. Make you wonder, ya know?"

Spike nodded unwillingly. Much as he didn't want to admit it, Xander had a good point -- and Spike really did get the point he was trying to make. It wasn't about the rape -- persay -- it was about his perceived loss of strength, of stature. It was about having been successfully dominated by someone who should not have been able to.

It didn't matter that they'd cheated. All that mattered -- he shuddered violently -- was that it was *possible* that it could happen again. As long as the chip was in place -- and working -- he really *was* vulnerable. He was to humans, anyway.

It wasn't a comfortable realization. Though it wasn't exactly a new one, it had never before been so . . . forcefully demonstrated.

"Hate it," he said wearily.

"Yeah," Xander acknowledged, "we'll work on it -- together."

And this time, with the warmth came acceptance. Spike finally believed that Xander really would help him through this. He would do his level best to understand. But what *really* helped was the knowledge that Xander wouldn't be offering him pity, or useless sympathy. He would just . . . be there . . . listening, and actually *hearing*.

"Hey!"

"What?"

"I've got a *great* idea."

Spike rolled his eyes. "I'll bite," he replied smirking, then dutifully adding, "metaphorically speaking, of course."

Xander laughed. "Of course."

"Harris!" Spike warned. "Just *what* is this great idea?"

"Let's split."

"Split?"

"Yeah, you know, get of of town for a while. See the sights. Forget about the hellmouth, duty, demons -- present company excepted."

Spike couldn't believe what he was hearing. They couldn't do that. It would leave the girls unprotected. *He* couldn't do that. He'd promised Buffy. But he wanted to *oh* so badly. He hated this town with a passion that went unequaled.

“We can't," he said, instead of what he really wanted to.

"Why not?" Xander shot back. "Things were weird for awhile, but they've calmed down, nothing but a few fledges around here lately. Willow and Tara are both perfectly capable of taking care of that."

"What about Dawn?" Spike asked in return, "I promised Buffy I'd protect her. I won't leave her here."

Xander wilted a moment, but immediately brightened back up. "She can take a vacation to her dad's."

"To LA? Are you insane?! has has an even bigger demon population than Sunnyhell."

Xander shrugged, grinning madly. "We'll tax Angel with her safekeeping."

"Oh! I knew there was a reason I liked you. That's just *evil*."

"Glad you approve," Xander bowed mockingly. "We certainly know he'll take it seriously."

"Oh, yeah, the big poof'll brood for *weeks* if the girl gets so much as a scratch."

"I take it, you're game?"

"I'm game," Spike nodded. It actually sounded like heaven -- well, a chipped, souled vampiric heaven anyway. "But only if the Bit goes for it."

"Great! Angel's due to show up any time now. We'll talk to Willow and Tara, Dawn, and Angel. Hey, you want Angel, or the girls?"

Spike was torn, but in the end, tormenting Angel won out. "Angel."

A tentative knock on the door had them both grinning again. "Speak of the devil," Spike said, heading for the door.

*

Xander watched Spike leave. He waited until the door was shut and he heard Spike greet Angel before digging out his cell phone. He had a teenager to convince that she *wanted* to visit her father. If he had to, he'd play the guilt card. He'd tell her the truth, that Spike needed to get out of town, and he wouldn't leave unless she did.

He couldn't stop his grin widening as the teenager in question answered her phone. "Hey, Dawn, got a favor to ask."


The end
Until I begin "Picking up the Pieces"

Kiristeen
Kiristeen@kiristeen.com
Feedback, as always, craved and appreciated!


To answer a review question...
No, Angel will not be getting Spike back as his Childe. Xander and Spike are stuck with each other.