Life (or Unlife) Goes On

A/N: Wow, I had a huge reaction to the last chapter and so as a thankyou for all the wonderful reveiws you get two chapters this update. Hope you enjoy. Oh and does anyone know Jessie's last name?

Reviews:
Alterian: It was less than a week because before he came to LA he kept sneaking off to take stuff. Anyway thanks for the review. Hope you like these next two chapters
Sharee: Thankyou so much for the praise I'm glad your enjoying this
Christine: I wanted to hug Xander too and yes he is in lots of trouble but don't worry it will work out in the end. Thankyou for the continued encouragement
Pixel: Thankyou for the reveiw, I don't think they will be too harsh on him but he really should have gone to them. Hope you enjoy the update
Jenys: Thanks for the encouragement I'm glad your enjoying this and everyone seems to like my broken Xander which is kind of weird but okay
Bubbsybub: Thanks, I'm glad that I seem to have portrayed the junkie side of Xander well, having never been in that position it is hard. Sexy dncing is hot look out for more of that kind of thing in up coming chapters. Thankyou for all your encouragement its really appreciated and I'm glad this story is still doing it for you. Enjoy


Chapter Thirty

Spike’s POV

The demon is dead at our feet and Xander is lying there in the garbage, unable to make eye contact with us. I am so mad at him that I am visibly shaking. Were we just a game to him? I turn and slam my fist into the wall. I actually break through the brick; I put that much force behind it. Through the corner of my eye I see Xander flinch, the pain in my hand grounds me and the urge to strangle him is lessened. Angel is suddenly beside me grabbing hold of my wrist and licking the excess blood off.

“Guys I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I can hear Xander crying and I suddenly flash back to a similar situation where Red was begging forgiveness after she was so off the rails that she ended up hurting the little bit. He could of got himself killed. What the hell was he doing out here anyway. Was he cheating on us? I look down at the demon that apart from the sucker looks pretty human; there is a plastic bag peeking out of a pocket. A drug dealer. Xander was going to prostitute himself for a fix. He is not the white knight anymore.

“C’mon let’s go home.” Angel speaks breaking the silence. We silently turn and walk off, I know the wolf and watcher-in-training go and help Xander up, leading him after us but no one speaks. I think we are all too angry to speak at the moment. I pull out my smokes and Angel lights two. We walk home silently smoking my hand entwined with Angel’s.

******

We walk through the door into the hotel and I don’t even pay attention to the others who are congregating in the foyer. With Angel at my side I silently, ignoring the questions, make my way into the kitchen and heat up some blood. Angel grabs my arm and the next thing I know we are wrapped around each other, hugging, trying to take comfort in each other. After a long while I pull back far enough to look into his eyes.

“What do we do now?” I ask sounding small and hating the fact that I expect my Sire to make everything better.

“I don’t know,” he sighs, sounding defeated. “Do you think he was just using us?” That question highlights just how far the two of us have come. In the past there is no way that he would have shown such insecurity and vulnerability to me and for my part if he had I would have exploited it as much as I could.

“Maybe the cravings just became too much,” Why am I defending Harris? What he did was incredibly dumb, if not for the wolf Xander would be dead.

“He should have come to us. He should have told us. Why didn’t he say something?”

“I agree but no one around here actually asks for help when they need it including us.” He sighs again.

“I suppose we had better talk to him or yell at him or something. Whatever happens you’ll still be here, right?” I just nod and hug him again not trusting myself to talk. Okay my big bad image has definitely flown out the window. “Alright let’s go confront him.” I follow Angel out of the kitchen where the others are sitting around

“Where is he?” I don’t need to elaborate; from the looks on their faces Oz or Andrew told then what happened.

“Upstairs somewhere and Spikeikins I don’t mean to but in but I think when you have finished ‘discussing’ this I need to read him.”

“After, okay Lorne I promise,” Angel answers.

“I need to talk to the three of you as well, especially Xander,” Gunn calls out as we make our way up the stairs.

“Yeah, later,” I call over my shoulder before following Angel who is in vamp face tracking the whelp. We finally find him in a hall with a stage at one end and a bloody great hole in the middle of the floor. Angel doesn’t seem surprised by it so I’ve got to wonder if he did it. We find Xander sitting in a corner with his legs bunched up, his arms wrapped around them, rocking while tears stream down his face. He seems to hear us because his head comes up and he starts saying the same couple of words over and over.

“I’m sorry, so sorry, I’m sorry, sorry, sorry, please I’m so sorry.”

“Being sorry isn’t going to change a thing.” I ground out, he looks so pathetic that a part of me wants to make it all better but another bigger part of me is bloody furious.

“Xander, just answer one question for me, why?” Angel yet again shows no emotion in his voice or face being epitome of rationality

“I…I needed a hit.”

“No. That is another excuse we all know you could of come to us. Why did you offer your body for a hit? Do we mean nothing to you? Did you suddenly remember we were vampires and decide that you could never have a relationship with us? Do you think we are beneath you?” Angel is full on shouting down at Xander who is trying to become a smaller ball. I wrap myself around Angel and try to calm him a little. It’s a good thing that we are so far from the others; they might still be able to hear him as it is. I run my hands up and down his arms. I have only seen him this angry when he was evil about seeing the Master. Sounds like he has some rejection issues to deal with. The slayer has screwed us both up so much.

“I…no…never…. If anything I’m the one unworthy.” It takes me a minute to realise what Xander spoke so softly.

“What?” Xander raises his head and looks us both in the eye.

“Well look at you. You’re champions. You’re heroes. You’re legendary and what am I? The only thing I could ever do was construction and with my eye I’m legally not allowed to do that anymore. I was always the donut boy, the zeppo and now I’m not even that anymore. I’m a washed out alcoholic loser and I don’t know how you can stand to be around me.”

“Is that what you think?” Angel asks and Xander just nods in response.

“What would convince you that that is definitely not the case?” I ask. “Do you know how many times the Scoobies would have failed without you? You were never just the comic relief, luv. How many times did you hold the group together when the others were at each other’s throats? How many times did you see something the others had missed?” I sit down next to the sobbing boy. “Xander, baby, you have always been the glue that has held the others together.”

“But why? I always screw up so bad like tonight. I knew it was wrong, I knew you would both be mad but I still did it. I still needed to feel like that.”

“Feel like what?”

“Like I matter. Like someone wants me even if it is just for my body, like for that moment, for that split second I am all they feel, all they can think about, even if it is a lie for that split second it is real. I also feel like I don’t have to be in control, giving them everything, only doing what they ask of me, makes me free. I don’t have to worry about anything, I’m free, and that’s what the drugs do they make me free even if it is only temporary.”

“You can’t hide from the world no matter how much you want to but if it gets too hard you could come to us. Even though I don’t like the idea of you using sex for that purpose it doesn’t mean I don’t understand the need or that I won’t help you.” I try to explain; I thought we went over this when we did have sex.

“As long as that isn’t the only reason you are with us.”

“Yeah, what Angel said. Xander do you know how much it hurt seeing you in that alley. I’m falling for you mate and I have suffered too much rejection in my life and unlife. I cannot deal with much more and I know I speak for the poof on this as well; this is your last chance, okay. Any more like tonight and that will be the end of us, got it?” He looks up at us then next thing I know is that he has flung himself into Angel’s arms. I can feel his arms snaking around me holding us tight.

“I promise I won’t do that again but I think it might be a good idea if I can’t leave the hotel for a while or if I do that someone stays with me the whole time because the cravings were so strong not that I’m making excuses or anything but I’m weak.” I nod; I don’t know what to say anymore. We hear knocking and turn towards the door where Lorne pokes his head through.

“Hey guys, I’d like to read Xander now if the two of you would like to head downstairs, we will meet you there in a minute and then you can talk to Gunn.” I just nod, I feel exhausted. I feel Angel pull me out of the room and I lean heavily on him. I don’t know what I would have done without Angel in the past little while. I always feel better and safe being near him. I feel him lead me into his room and suddenly he’s sitting on the bed and I’m straddling his lap with my face in his neck. We just sit there for a while wrapped around each other.

“Here William, drink.” I feel him bare his neck even more and I can’t deny my Sire’s command. I lave his neck with my saliva before biting down and my fangs slide through his skin like it were butter. I feel a sharp pinprick and then his fangs are embedded within my neck as well. I sigh feeling so connected with him, taking comfort within his blood. I suck it up enjoying this connection and as always loving the taste of his blood, there is nothing else remotely like it. After a while I retract my fangs and lick the area clean of every skerrick of blood. I lean back so that I can see his face; he is so beautiful.

“Thanks, I needed that,” I tell him then quickly lick the blood out his chin.

“I know you did just like you knew what I needed yesterday.”

“So we’re still good?”

“Always. I will never stop loving you and I will never stop needing you. I’m not complete without you, my favoured childe at my side.”

“Sometimes, I hate that I need you so much. I like to think of myself as independent you know.”

“And you are Spike, you are. You looked after Drusilla and yourself for nigh of a century and look at Sunnydale.”

“You can’t, it’s a bloody great hole and what about Sunnydale? It witnessed so many spectacular kicking’s of my ass.”

“No, it witnessed your ultimate triumph over all the forces that tried to bring you down. You survived, you grew and you gave the ultimate sacrifice. Your extraordinary, Spike, you always have been since the day I met you.”

“Now look who’s sucking up. Look Angel, everything I have done soulless or soulful on some level has always been me looking for your approval. Even if I was looking for Buffy’s approval because she is the closest I could get to you,” Why am I opening up to him, revealing my inner most thoughts and feelings? Must be because we nearly lost Xander. At least something good may come out of this whole thing.

“I have always been here, in this very hotel.”

“And after the gem of Amara, you’d just let me waltz in here? I really don’t think so.”

“Yeah maybe you’re right but that’s in our past. From now on out, I will always be here for you no matter how bad I screw up.”

*****
A/N: Okay so that was the Angel/Spike moment someone asked for a couple of chapters back, I hope you liked.