Choices

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Buffy threw herself on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. When Spike had walked away from her, she had felt empty. Much as how she felt when she had seen Angel that afternoon and he had ended their conversation by turning his back on her.

Spike was right in his assumption that she was tired. Tired of explaining herself, tired of apologizing, tired of feeling sorry for herself, tired of the guilt, tired of trying to find a way to make things right.

Closing her eyes, and refusing to give into tears for what felt the thousandth time that day, she tried to imagine the perfect scenario. It would include...a beach. Yes, a beach. At night of course with a great, full moon. Or, England. Spike had always told her how he would love to show her 'the mother country'. Angel had always wanted to show her Ireland, his home. Travelling Europe together would be fun. She imagined walking the streets at night with them, chattering and laughing together. She imagined how excited each would be to show them their home, all the stories they'd have to tell. They'd have one big room, with a Queen sized bed and satin sheets. There would be a fireplace to keep her warm and to make the whole atmosphere would be cozy and romantic. During the day they could leisurely make love and she could sightsee a bit too.

Her mind lingered there. Making love to both of them. She gulped and felt her center tingle at the thought. She imagined Spike between her legs, lapping at her sex like a kitten as Angel languidly suckled at her breasts. Spike would slide into her with ease because she'd already be wet from his attention and Angel would reach down and rub her clit as Spike--

"Buffy? What are you doing laying in the dark?"

Buffy shot up, glad that she hadn't attempted to ease the desire she felt pumping through her. Oz looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Now she was mortified. Of course the werewolf could smell it on her!

"I uh, just had a rough day."

"What happened?" Willow asked as she chucked her keys on the coffee table.

"I saw Angel and Spike. Enough said."

Oz nodded, seeming to think that explained her aroused state.

"Not really. What happened?"

"In a nutshell: Angel doesn't trust me nor does he plan to share me. Spike loves me, but he doesn't want to share me either." Buffy flopped back on her back. "Nothing's solved, nothing's any better. I've scarred Spike further and now I remind him of his crazy ex who broke his heart. I'm batting a thousand. You know, I could make this into a reality tv show. I could break hearts every week. I'm really good at it, I can even make them cry."

"Like you are," Willow told her softly as she handed Buffy a tissue.

"All we've done is talk in circles." Buffy wiped her eyes quickly and tossed the tissue. She opened her eyes and stared at the white, swirly ceiling. "Sometimes love just isn't enough to mend some fences."

"I don't want to believe that."

Buffy sat up again, struck with an idea. "I know what I need to do."

"What?"

"I need a vacation."

Willow cocked her head to the side. "Where you going to go?"

"I don't know. I was thinking that Europe would be nice, except that was something I'd always wanted to share with Spike and Angel. Since that doesn't seem to be in the cards, I'm at a loss. What do you think?"

"California." Oz remarked as he sauntered in.

"California?" The girls questioned. Oz nodded his response.

"Care to elaborate on why?" Buffy pressed.

"Why not? It's the other side of the country, it's away from here completely. A whole different coast; a whole different scene."

"You know, it's not a half-bad idea. I've never been there, so why not?"

"You really going to do this?" Willow asked.

"Yeah, I think I really am."

"Are you going to tell Angel and Spike?"

Buffy groaned and put her face in her hands. "Yeah, that'd go over well."

"Everyone deserves a vacation. Just...call and leave a message. Have them patrol here and you can go."

"Yeah, I can see them trying to orchestrate that maneuver. They're not speaking to each other and I'm not sure I want them to. Spike, he's...he's not doing well. He was really upset tonight." She stopped, pondering her encounter with him. "I can't go. I can't leave him. I have to be around in case anything happens."

"Do you think they'd have it out? Do you think he'd do something stupid?"

"I don't know, I don't think he would. Why would little ol' me make him do anything stupid? I mean, he loved Dru--" He loved Dru and it drove him mad, isn't that what he had told her? "I'm going to see him." She jumped up.

"Now?"

"Yes, now. I have to make sure he's all right. I'll worry all night if I don't. Don't wait up." She strode out the door, on a mission.

*********

Pushing on the door that was once her home, she carefully stepped in and listened. She heard punk rock coming from Spike's room, and she could smell smoke and the faint scent of strong liquor in the air. Trying to be as quiet as a mouse, she tip-toed down the hall and the music got louder. She heard his voice, melancholy and loud singing along to the music. She peeked in the half open door and found him sitting in an armchair, his head tilted back with his eyes closed and a bottle of Jack between his legs. A cigarette was swirling smoke in the ashtray next to him.

He'd been crying. She could see the tracks of tears from where she stood. Her instinct told her to crawl onto his lap and just hold him. So, she did. She crossed the room in no second flat, flicking off his stereo on the way. She saw him lift his lidded eyes and start to ask what she was doing there, but she was on him with her arms wrapped around his neck before he could respond.

"Buffy...Buffy...am I dreaming? Am I that drunk?" He asked against her neck, moaning.

"No, I'm here."

"Why? Why are you here?"

"Because I love you, and I was worried about you."

"Worried 'bout me? What for?"

"Because I made you sad. I hate it when you're sad, it makes me sad too."

"Shouldn't be here, Buffy." He tried to push her off, but she held on tighter. "Buffy..."

"Spike, I know I'm the reason you're so sad and I want to make it better. I'm not sure how to do that so I'm following my gut here. My gut is telling me that you need to be loved right now. Since I'm the one that loves you, I'm going to be the one to do that. Will you let me?"

"Will you be thinking of Angel the whole time? Will you be wishing he was here too? Will you feel guilty about being here with me?" His tone had bitterness all through it.

"No, this is about you right now. I want to show you what it means for me to love you, what you mean to me. You don't believe that I love you, you think I love those who shall remain nameless above you. I want to prove to you that it's not true. I want to take care of you, please let me?"

He gave no response, just held her. Buffy knew part of that was due to his intoxicated state that he didn't put up more of a fight. She felt in some way as if she were taking advantage of that by staying. However, she didn't care. All she cared about was stopping the tears that flowed so freely down his cheeks, stopping the bottle from continuing to his mouth and preventing the cigarette from possible charring him.

He held onto her silently for the longest time and she just stroked the curls at the nape of his neck, lig light kisses on his shoulder, neck and cheek and whispered that she loved him. She felt the wet tears and restrained sobs he let out upon her. He cursed her a few times, muttering what a bitch she was for reducing him to this and she let him without reproach; he needed the catharsis.

When he calmed, she started to get up and he gripped her tighter, looking up at her pleadingly. He was begging her with his eyes not to leave him. She shook her head. He watched as she grabbed the bottle from the floor and the ashtray. She went to the kitchen and dumped the remains of Jack and emptied the ashtray, leaving it in the kitchen. Filling up a cold glass of water, she brought it back to him. He stayed where he was, staring at the doorway. She smiled softly at him and handed him the glass of water as she curled back up in his lap. He downed it in minutes and set it down. She leaned against him, resting her head on his chest.

"Miss you so bloody much, Buffy," he murmured into her hair.

"I miss you too."

"Stay with me until I fall asleep?"

She nodded. "I can stay until morning if you want."

"No, when I wake up tomorrow...reality always hits the hardest in the morning. I just want to be left with a happy memory. Tonight...tonight you were mine."

"I am yours Spike."

That was met with silence and Buffy just let it be. After a while, he nudged at her and she silently stood, holding out her hand to help him up. He smiled at her gently as he stood and shook off his duster. She took his hand and they climbed into bed together. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her close against him, burying his face in the crook of her neck and sighed.

She stroked his back and gently played with his hair until he fell asleep. She hoped he understood, hoped he was clear on how she loved him. The last thing she wanted was to see him broken. She laid there until she felt herself want to drift off with him and remembered that he wanted her gone by morning. As the sun began to creep up through the sky, she kissed his forehead, whispered 'I love you, Spike' and crept out the door and made her way back to Willow's.

*********

Spike's eyes popped open the minute the door to the apartment closed behind Buffy. He could smell her sweet scent through the leftover smoke, Jack, and tears. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. He knew what he had to do.

It was time to have a chat with Angel.

TBC....