How It Was and is to be

I had forgotten to put in the disclaimer the fact that I had also stolen/thieved/robbed very greatly from Pitch Black as well!

"It was there that my unlife changed, we was in it from the start to the finish no withdrawals this time. There was a low insect presence there but they'd learned somehow from past mistakes, keep themselves in scattered groups, laid low in concealed tunnels and waited to bushwhack us. One group jumped my company on the last day, as they came charging at us yours truly was a little ahead of 'is troops. So when one of the buggers came up out of the ground right in front of me I was quite literally screwed. If the shock 'adn't of made me fall backwards the slash 'e aimed at me with 'is foreleg would 'ave cut me in half. As it was I got laid open alf way cross the guts and 'ad to drop me gun to 'old me gizzards in."

"I just sat there lookin' up as the insect reared up for a double slash that would 'ave scattered me to the winds. But then I 'eard a growl from behind me and a boom as a M-34 went off and the insect's 'ead was gone and he toppled back away from me. Then Val was standin over me 'er weapon blazin as she took down the warriors before they could get out of their holes. And then I was surrounded by Sethonian's as my new first squad gathered round me shootin' everythin that moved an' 'ad antennas."

"One of them picked me up, then Val bent forward and put her shoulder into me stomach pain or not. She grabbed me round the legs and started carrying me off in a fireman’s lift even though I was screamin' from the pain and shoutin'. 'Just stake me you bitch for gods sake just stake me.' But she didn't pay me no mind, she was too busy firing her rifle one 'anded and shoutin' orders to the company to form up around me. Then we was under the shelter of our tanks guns and Val was tearin' a spare black battle suit into strips and tying them round me middle to keep the sun off and me intestines in. Fortunatly within an hour of me gettin' wounded we was ordered back to the Putin. Val 'ad kept me goin' with the combat rations we 'ad and 'ere own blood but I was still leakin' when I got back aboard."

"Takin' a look showed I was 'alf gutted, my liver an' kidneys was gone west and so was most of me bowels. I was going to be lucky if my demon would be able to get much strength from blood at all to fix me and the pain was mounting all the time. I begged Val to stake me again, I didn't want to go out slow and agonizing, but she didn't instead she went to the Colonel, our human boss. I don't know what she said to 'im but next thing I'm on a shuttle for the Nosferatu, then I'm naked and in a tank full of green slimy stuff in the ships medical centre watching in 'orror as thousands of tiny robotic creatures swarmed out of a pipe and all over me."

"It was a Strelzan invention, a way to regenerate the flesh around a wound. The critters would come out an' take a shufti at the victim completely analysing 'is DNA within a couple of minutes and then go to work. Stitchin' nerves and flesh, regrowin' missin bits, removin' and replacin' damaged bits. Medical staff switched me machine on, estimated the time required for the job at an hour and went off to 'elp some real people."

"And while there backs was turned about a 'undred thousand more mechanical ants swarmed out and really went to work. Probably cryin out electronically as they did so, 'Jesus Christ what the bleedin’ ‘ell happened to this poor sod, God but 'e needs our 'elp.'"

"First they fixed me gizzards and guts and put me skin back together to 'old me innards in. Then they removed the hooves that 'ad gradually been forming in place of my feet for the past hundred years and gave me back my plates. Then they smoothed the scales off the skin of my legs and replaced follicales I'd lost. My 'ands got back their 'uman apperance next, then my arms got worked on and then they went to work on my 'ead. Off came my ears and nose and then the skin across the rest of my bonce and boat. Then they rebuilt it all, culminating in the 'andsome 'ead of 'air you see now."

"When the doc's got back they was flabbergasted and 'auled me out toot sweetie to check me pulse. But you see my DNA was mixed in with a demons so the mechanical blighters who 'ad fixed me up 'ad left me undead. That part the Doc's grasped, what made 'em want to keep me for bizarre medical experiments was the fact that they'd left my eyebrow scar. That really made them think, but before the could get to re-dissecting me the Colonel made them give me back."

"Not 'aving access or ability to use mirrors I wondered' what all the staring was about, but I took the shuttle back to the Putin and just thought, "Great news they've fixed me feet and 'ands and done something to me boat race. I 'ope Val's pleased."

"Now Valandra knew I was 'er Sire instinctively cause 'er Demon told 'er so. But she'd been madly in love with a vision from 'ell. Now standing before 'er was this vision of male loveliness, male perfection, she went weak at the knees almost fainted so she did. I 'ad to go catch 'er in my newly remade manly arms. She looks at me all smoulderin' and then we started kissin' like mad things with our mitts roamin' up and down if you takes me drift."

"Bit unfortunate that the Colonel and the human officers was stood there waitin' to shake ‘ands with me. But after a couple of minutes they shrugged and thought vampires and left us to it. I eventually broke clear of Val's lovin' arms, picked 'er up and over my shoulder and carried 'er straight off to bed. My dryin' out on the passion for unlife front 'ad gone too you see. I 'ad my demonic sex drive back full blast an' with intrest, it was three days before my princess could walk straight after that night."

"Young love, for a few days the worlds seems to stand still and the stars stay their course, but whilst we was 'aving multiple fun with each other our comrades was actin'. Several very old vampires suffered suspiciously self inflicted accidents all over the ship. This resulted in a lot of shuttle trips back and too as the old ones got rejuvenated and got back to 'avin' their full will again. And there's nothin' more evil than an old one with 'is full willpower as we very well know."

"So one mornin' not long after that what does I find at me door but a deputation. Six old vamps not one a day under five hundred all lookin' to me as the oldest and most famous vampire in the battalion for leadership. "What are we to do Spike, if we 'as to keep on fightin' for these 'umans sooner or later we all die. What are you going to do about this."

"I said I'd think about it because that was all I could say at the time. Val was working on 'er solution to the crisis but lack of materials was 'er issue. She stripped any computers she found lying around in wrecks we came across but that didn't get us far. And she still didn't 'ave the wavelengths of the human chips or know how they changed if the human was attacked."

"What we needed was a human prepared to let us experiment on him or her and that wasn't exactly an easy job to fill."

"In 2539 the humans did something really dim. They stuck a computer enhanced video capture of Val and yours truly on the front of Citizens Daily, the military newspaper. A Marine battalion 'ad got itself surrounded by the new improved warriors (they got bigger and faster and took to carrying small laser weapons). My by now nearly all Sethonian company had snuck up on the warriors what was gradually tightening the ring on them and cut the humans an escape route saving the lives of four hundred of them. This got me promoted to Major and Val a Captaincy and we were both awarded the Citizen Gallantry medal first class, a big award with a stupid name. It was dished out to anyone whose actions saved the lives of fellow Citizens, but it was supposed to only go to those people who enjoyed citizenship of earth. And that was the rub cause the mass of humanity was pissed off already and this decision did nothing but add to that."

"The Demon Corp had a certain degree of restrained popularity because we was taking all the deeply dangerous missions so saving a lot of mortals lives. But we was still regarded with a great deal of fear and nobody truly believed that the chips worked. And added to that was the fact that nobody likes being lied too. Our appearance in such big numbers under the heading 'Yes Vampires do exist,' had shown the whole world that it 'ad been lied too for centuries by governments, the dictatorship claimin' that we was volunteers really wasn't believed by anyone at all."

"Then there was the disappearance of large numbers of criminals, men and women who got sentenced to x number of years but didn't come back when their sentence was done. Nobody really missed them except their families but all the same some voices was raised. Some people speculated openly that that was 'ow the heavy losses we was taking was being replaced."

"And the war wasn't so popular anymore either. Over twenty five million humans had died and fifteen million been wounded by now. Not much out of twenty one billion souls on six home worlds it's true, but the dead and the crippled was all somebody’s flesh an' blood, an' there was no end to the war in sight."

"As things stood we'd pushed the Hive out of the systems they'd taken from the Confederation and cleansed another thirty systems that they counted as their Empire before the war began. That should 'ave done for 'em but for the fact that they'd expanded like crazy away from us. They'd added fifty new planets in the time it took us to win thirty. And despite all them battles not a diplomatic word 'ad been exchanged, it was still kill or be killed, do or die, either one or the other species was doomed to extinction."

"So publicly treatin' us like we was equal to 'umans was a dangerous focuser of unrest. The fact that Val and I was photographed in our combat pants and vests for the center of the Sunday Suppliment made matters worst. She looked drop dead gorgeous whilst me with me new boat 'ad the girls droolin, lets just say that we didn't lack for fan mail.."

"Citizenship for the humans was supposed to be a good, they got extra rights and privileges for servin', but this war meant that the cost to those who went forward became higher and higher. Starfleet wasn't bad but in the army or marines they stood a 25% chance of dying and a 20% chance of coming back missing bits, like arms or legs. And if you wanted to get anywhere later on in life Citizenship was essential, so most college graduates went for it. But what was the point of all that education if all it got you was a body bag. People actually started doin' the previously unthinkable, they started protesting on campus. And the police started taking names, and started looking for reasons to arrest people. Sedition after all carried the death penalty."

"So we started getting some young pretty types in our reinforcement shipments alongside the folks who'd been rottin' in prison for years before gettin' to us. Boys and girls who'd stuck their 'eads too far above the parapet on Campus demo's and wound up on a charge. Naturally the old 'uns got the pick and they wasn't 'appy that their fine new Childer was 'avin' to be risked in battle."


"We went on fighting, in 2560 we was only saved from an ambush by 2000 Hive warriors by a close range neutron bomb strike. I got me hopes up that the radiation might scramble our chips but there was no joy. We needed some human pissed off enough to let us experiment on 'is bonce. But we was 'avin' no luck with that."

"Then a year later fate gave us a hand, a freighter/passenger ship heading for a newly opened seventh Colony planet New Mecca got hit by a meteorite shower as it was passing through a more or less uncharted system. The passengers and crew were in stasis and the captain's pod was one of the ones shattered. That left the female first Lieutenant Carolyn Fry in charge, somehow she managed to crash land the ship onto a desolate piece of nearby floatin’ desert masquerading as a planet known now as Fry."

"They named it after her see, and what a fitting name it was. Fry is located in a solar system that proves the Gods like a joke. It has three suns at equal distances apart from each other. One big bugger of a planet that 'as rings of asteroids around it an' a smaller one that sits in perpetual daylight. It's a dusty bugger of a world with nothing living on it's surface. And the eleven survivors didn't like the look of it one bit."

"What they liked even less was what was under the surface, predatory beasties of a non specific origin. Animal, non-sentinent, but bleedin' lethal. Also suffering from definite light allergies. So not a problem you'd think. Except for the fact that the bloody big planet with the ring eclipses the smaller planet every sixty years and that eclipse goes on for about two years. And the poor sods ad' crashed two earth days short of when this eclipse was due."

"They got lucky in findin' a shuttle on the surface from a prior crash, the owners 'ad become alien fodder sixty-two years before. But before they could get it fuelled and off the ground their numbers 'ad been chewed down to just three. A Chrislam Imam, Christianity and Islam got mixed in some countries, a young girl, and a mass murderer called Riddick. A man who'ed offed about thirty people including six policemen on Terra2 and 'ad been sentenced to life at the bottom of the deepest pit on the worse mining colony in the galaxy. He was so bad that they wasn't going to give 'im any kind of easy out. A decision they regretted when 'e escaped, but now some bounty 'unter 'ad caught 'im and was taking 'im back to civilisation on the ship that crashed."

"So when the shuttle gets rescued that's it case closed, no buggers going to be dim enough to go back there are they. Stick up a big sign saying, 'Don't crash 'ere,' and go on with life."

"At least they would 'ave done that if it wasn't for the fact that the planet contained deposits of evaporitorum, a metal that 'ad been found to be the best thing out for linin' the exhaust pipes of starships. And as a shortage was developing of it the dust bowl became prime real estate. We 'ad a situation where a planet is in pitch darkness and an alien race needs exterminating on it. Who you gonna call if not the vampires of the Demon Corp."

"It was to be a small mission. The 3rd Regiment was deemed able to do it alone. As the ISS Nosferatu 'ad just obtained a new captain and an upgraded with the latest weapons packages she was to come along for the ride as a test run, two attached fleet auxiliaries completing the flotilla."

"We set off on the journey on December 18th 2561 on the 23rd we met up with a destroyer that 'anded us an early Christmas guest. Riddick who 'ad been sidetracked on 'is journey to the deep dark pit to give us 'is eyewitness testimony. The flag captain took one look at the blokes record an' sent 'im over to be quartered with us. but first of all they tagged 'im so nobody could take a bite."

"Val looked at 'im walking round amongst us like 'e was a birthday, Valentines, Hanukka and Christmas present all rolled into one. I could almost see the drool on 'er chin and as the bloke was handsome considered riskin' shootin' 'im. Bloody good job I didn't let me tell you."

"Christmas day traditionally the Colonel of the Regiment assembled all 'is vampiric officers and 'ad a drink with 'em. This involved 'im tryin not to go to green whilst watchin' us drink warmed synth out of wine glasses. Val 'ad told me she 'ad an headache so I 'ad to go to this boring pointless gatherin' alone. An' when I got back to me room what did I find but me bird in bed with Riddick."

"Now obviously as a vampire with alot of childer of her own Val has the right to shag who she likes so long as she keeps it in the family an' doesn't mind if I join in. But shaggin' passin' unturned 'umans, that wasn't on, chip or not I was over there like a flash ready to give the bugger a punch up the bracket."

"'What the bleedin' 'ell is going on 'ere then!' I shouted as I pulled Val back off of him. 'Can't a bloke go out without comin' 'ome to find 'is bird's up to.....' I stopped there because I noticed that my aforementioned bird 'ad wires leading from electrodes attached to 'er forehead and so did Riddick, and the wires ran to two of the Sethonian's who was sat infront of a computer monitor. Also in the dim light I saw that the 'uman 'ad score marks from fangs either side of 'is neck. 'Bloody 'ell Valandre what 'ave you been doin'.'"

"' Trying to get the wavelength the human's chips operate on you duffus.' She answered looking back at me, she'd got tears of blood running down her cheeks. 'But it hurts real bad Spike, I got two readings but we need a third to know we got it right.'"

"'Ok, that I see.' I answered but I still snarled on. 'But why are you in bed with 'im and furthermore what's in it for 'im......Other than you?'"

"She says. 'If some human walks in and see's us they'll get embarrassed at the thought of interrupting someone doing the beast with two backs. An he gets turned for his trouble just as soon as we get our bite back. But now I gotta bite him again lover so do you want to hold my hand while I do it.'"

"'No kitten you wait a minute.' I replied and looked at the bloke, he always had these stupid little black goggles on, none of us knew why. So before he could do anything to stop me I whipped the buggers up so I could look 'im in the eye. Gawd was that weird, 'is eyes was all black, no iris at all, and if you looked deep enough into 'em you could see a flash of silver. They was some kind of weird implant. 'Jesus Christ mate what 'appened to you.'"

"'Science, they planned on stickin' me down in the deepest darkest place they could find. So they took my eye's an' altered them, gave me them back like this fixed so I could see in the dark. Then I crash on a world with three frickin' suns which gotta be some big joke on me. Well now I'm put in here with you guys and I says to myself that if they want's me in the darkness then why don't I just go for it and your lady here offers me a chance, and I decides to help you.'"

"All very plausible I thought, so I nodded and Val moved in to score 'im with 'er fangs again till I stopped 'er with a hand on 'er shoulder. She looked at me asking why but I just peeled the tapes of 'er forehead and stuck the electrodes to my head. 'We have to make sure that all these chips work the same luv, so this ones on me.'" I balled up my fist and looked into those black pits of eyes. 'This is what your going to get if you ever bed down with my girl without askin' permission again.' And then I let 'im 'ave it right on the jaw."

"Fuck but it 'urt. It felt like it was three or four times worse that the pain I used to get. I was driven straight down to me knees for a second or two. I 'ad to struggle real 'ard not to throw up everythin' down to me boots. The room was fairly spinnin' when I stood back up and looked across at the Sethonian's behind the computer screens and asked. 'Well?'"

"'Perfect match, we have a winner.' They were already running the programme to configure a blocking device."

"'Jobs a good un then.' I leaned across and gave my girl a long hard snog. 'So my clever darlin' what next?'"

" She grinned all her pain forgotten. 'I stock up enough microchips to make about twenty jamming devices. I figure we use those to get our asse's as far as the replicator room. Once we're in there all we got to do is pop a disc with the design specs into the right slot an' there clever little robotised production line will churn us out a couple of hundred within five or six minutes. Then we take the bridge, engineering and the armoury and sail this crate off into the far blue yonder.'"

"'Good plan kitten but not good enough.' I answered 'er. 'We wouldn't get a hundred miles before the Nosferatu ran us down and blew the lot of us to kingdom come. No luv if we're to do this we're goin' to 'ave to con our way aboard the super dreadnought currently cruisin' off our port bow an' take it. Once we got that then we can go anywhere in the unknown universe in a 'Battlestar Galactica' style.'"

"'Huh,' the heathen sods all replied. 'Old 20th Century movie and telly show, relaunched in the 21st in a really improved version where fit birds got to fly the fighters. It's on Nostalgia if you’re interested. About the last free humans running from their enemies in a fleet which included their last battlestar. The Nosferatu being the first Super Dreadnough to be refitted to the new standard we're going to 'ave the most powerful warship in the known universe at our command, hence the connection.'"

"Riddick 'ad just laid there listening to this but now 'e spoke up. 'I see why your the bossman Spike, you got yourself a plan there. But what about me, when do I collect?'"

"'After we take the Nosferatu you'll get turned. But not by me or Val, I'll get one of the other company commanders to make you 'is Childe, cause you ain't goin' to be in my family.' He didn't look to bothered by that. 'But they got a few security functions on the exits from our level of the ship that you needs to be a human or escorted by one to get through. We're going to need you with us to get past those.'"

"Well after that we got busy, Val an' er lads and lasses got an assembly line underway to slowly and carefully piece together 20 signal jammers disguised as tunic badges. Whilst I worked long and 'ard to persuade the other company commanders, the other old ones, that we'd be best waitin' till after the attack on Fry before we launched our mutiny. Tellin' 'em that the 'umans would be less alert straight after a hands down victory."

"You see I'd realized that however powerful these new aliens might be physicaly we 'ad all the mental advantages. I'd cooked up a fair few schemes with Riddick's 'elp and flogged em to the colonel. When we got to Fry the poor buggers didn't know what 'ad it 'em."

"First off there was my fitting of half a dozen landing ships with powerful searchlights. Unlike us these Aliens was allergic to all light so we had these ships make fast passes over the surface fryin' em by the 'undred. That was too slow though as they saw it coming an scarpered. So I refined it, or rather the made the Colonel I was brown noseing think he had. I knew they was also drawn by the scent of blood so we'd put a bloody great big bag of syth into one of the landin' craft and stick it into the middle of a circle of 'is mates equipped with searchlights. Crew would kick that bugger out and wait for the splat. Infra red would then pick up thousands of aliens swarmin' in drawn by the scent looking for their tea. We then turn the searchlights on full beam to circle 'em with a wall of death whilst the ship in the middle started droppin that old favourite the parachute flare. You could smell aliens burning a thousand feet up by the time that was finished."

"All very clever you'll agree but in the end we still 'ad to go down there to hunt for them. But I made sure we was well equipped for the job. Everyone wore lights, everyone carried flares which we kept popping off at random, and the tanks mortars was also busy lighting up the landscape. This pretty rapidly made the creatures think that the eclipse 'ad finished early and drove them back underground. Well we 'ad a solution for that too."

"First day in action we'd dropped a cage full of red meat onto the surface. Seconds after it 'ad filled with a dozen of the buggers we just fired a trigger on the cage to close it and drew it up by tractor beam. Next stop was the Dreadnoughts science lab where they shoved each one into 'is own airtight cell and unleashed a toxic agent non lethal to 'umans. Then they sat back to see which one did the critter most damage. Good old CS gas was the winner and we went down to the surface with a bundle of the stuff."

"We took along ten dozen little robots with us, little tracked buggers that could go down holes. On their backs was a rack for upwards of forty CS gas grenades. They'd drive down into the underground caves where the aliens still lived in their thousands and set their grenades off one after another as they made their way through them. The gas rose up and started to tear at the lungs of the aliens who'd hop it back out into the night as a result. Back into the searchlights of the hovering landing ships or the tank's high beamed headlights that was waiting for them above."

"Within two weeks the planet was declared 99% cleared and we'd only lost two vampires. The Colonel was chuffed as anythin' and I was told I was due a bar to me Distinguished Service Medal. I said 'Tar very much' and saluted though behind my shit eatin' grin was the thought that. 'Your for the chop cully, you've got about six hours to live.'"