The Ultimarossrossover

Chapter Three
“Who ARE you?” Missy asked, transfixed by his pores which oozed money.
His mirrored sunglasses were the same color as the custom paint on his Aston Martin. His Gucci jacket matched his Gucci cologne. His fingernails were manicured, his eyelashes trimmed, and his back-hair waxed. “My name is Sebastian.” He said, letting his extreme irritation show.
“Yes… I know you!” Peter exclaimed excitedly. “I’ve seen you on TV! You’re Keanu Reeves!”
To this comment, Sebastian did not bother to reply. Instead he turned back to Missy, certain that she had some grain of intelligence by the way she drooled over his physique. “I’m really just here to get my sister. I’m sure she’ll be grateful to be out of… Sunnyvale.”
“Sunnydale.”
“Whatever. Could you ask her to come here, please? I really need to be getting on my way.” He looked at his silver Swiss wristwatch and sighed impatiently. Missy sighed as well, but in more of a pathetic, love-struck way. She hoped beyond all hopes that she wasn’t about to find out that she was related to him in some obscure way, because that would lead to her need for extensive psychiatric therapy later in life, developing agoraphobia as well as angoraphobia… the fear of knitting yarn. Incest was always a deep-rooted paranoia of hers ever since she found herself attracted to her brother Cliff, who truly was not her brother at all, but merely a key made up of energy. This was a secret she had kept to herself for many, many, many years.
She was so busy contemplating this that she didn’t respond to Sebastian’s inquiry about his sister… she merely gazed off into space.
So Willow spoke. “I don’t think your sister lives here. It’s only us, and Buffy, and Faith. Actually, none of us really live here at all… but Buffy does. So really the only person that lives here… is Buffy.”
“Buffy, yes. That sounds like a pseudonym that my sister Kathryn would use while in the company of low-class strangers.” He leaned forward and listened closely. Then with a look of satisfaction he said; “I hear sexual moaning. That could really only mean one thing. After all, one knows that in order to find my sister, all they have to do is… follow the moans!” Triumphantly he stepped into the Summers’ house and briskly walked into the living room, completely unaffected by the fact that he was intruding on a somewhat personal moment between two slayers.
“Who… OHHHH!!... the hell… MMmmmM YES!!... are… OHHH FAAAITTHHH… you??” Buffy managed to ask through (obviously) her moans.
“It’s me, your brother… Sebastian? Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten me already. For fuck’s sake Kathryn you’ve only been gone three days.”


Meanwhile, somewhere in southern California, an actual PLOT was forming!
Deep in the heart of a musty lab, chemicals were brewing. Dangerous chemicals.
“Hahaha! I will destroy the slayer and use her ribs to eat with barbeque sauce! Muahahaha!”
“But Sir, we have no barbeque sauce.”
“Then we will make some! MAKE SOME! I’m so powerful I can make anything!! MUAHAHAHA!”
“But Sir, we need barbeque sauce to complete the formula… we must have it in three seconds… or you will die!”
“Oh I can do anything… ANYthing! MUAHAHAHA!! Wait… three seconds? Oh fu-”
*Boom*
Yes it seems that there was a threat of some actual plot, but thanks to the mighty power of barbeque sauce, we may no longer live in fear of that becoming a reality. Thank goodness, for barbeque sauce.


“Yes… for fuck’s sake… ohhhhh for FUCK’S SAKE FUCK ME FAITH!!” Buffy continued to moan and scream, ignoring this man who called himself Sebastian, her brother.
Irritated, he leaned against the doorframe and looked impatiently at his watch once again, intent on waiting things out. It was clear that he had been inconvncednced by his sister’s sexual antics before, but not entirely clear if this truly was his sister, although he seemed certain.
Willow was one to argue. “But… but Buffy can’t be your sister! She’s just Buffy! And she doesn’t have any siblings, at least none that I remember and I don’t think that any demons or witches have cast memory spells on us, so that means that you must be either very wrong, or very intent on having sex with her because you are into that whole kinky incest thing… and there’s nothing wrong with that! Nothing at all! Because as long as your parents were married, then you really aren’t related!”
“Yeah and the itching will go away after a few weeks!” Peter piped up with a hopeful smile.
Sebastian merely glared at the both of them, his anger undermined by the fact that the two slayers were now noisily progressing to round two on the couch directly behind him. “I don’t know what she has made you all believe… Kathryn is a very manipulative girl. She has convinced people of things that would make your skin crawl… and now we have to be heading home as soon as possible, because there’s been an accident. An accident that she ran away from like an irresponsible idiot.”
“What kind of accident?” Willow asked with grave concern.
Sebastian clenched his jaw tightly and hesitated for a moment before confiding in the cheerleader, the boy in spandex, and the overall-lover standing before him. “We were out with some friends of ours… one night. We were being stupid… we hit someone. With a car. I think they were dead, but there’s really no way of knowing these types of things. You know, they seem dead one minute, they’re not dead the next… someone sees you hit them… then they try to kill you, or maybe they don’t. The importaning ing is that, we’re in trouble and I haven’t gotten laid since that party in Reseda.”
Missy gasped audibly. Only it was not so audible due to Buffy’s screams from the next room. “The party in Reseda? The July party in Reseda? The July party in Reseda at Tony’s house?!”
The rich boy looked rather shocked. “So you know about that?”
“Yes!” Missy exclaimed, half in recognition and half in anger. “Yes! I do know about that, you bastard! What, you think I don’t? You’re so stupid! How could you not know that I know?!”
His eyes now widened in fear. “What do you know?”
“I KNOW what you did last summer!!”

To Be Continued…