Different Needs

Part Three:


Xander swung his sword skillfully at the Ghool demon splitting its head off its body. The demon's body fell down unmoving and Xander found himself gasping deeply. That was a hell of a fight. He heard the cheerful yelling and clapping and a grin found its way onto his face.

Yesterday, Buffy had found the Ghool demon attacking a bunch of teenagers near the Bronze. She had tried defeating it but it seemed that a stake to the heart or trying to snap its head didn't work. After some research, Giles found out that to kill a Ghool demon, a person must use a sword to detach its head from its body. Xander had asked them to let him deal with it. Of course, Buffy refused because she was the Slayer. It was her job to slay the demons. And Willow thought it was too dangerous for Xander to do it alone.

That was when Giles had announced that this was Xander's mission. Buffy and Willow objected to this decision but Giles had replied that he had full confidence in Xander and his ability to do the job. It had to be dealt by a sword and Xander was the perfect man to do it.

Xander turned around and found Buffy and Willow sitting on a tombstone where they had been watching. Giles was standing next to them. Xander didn't know if his grin could get any wider. The Englishman looked back at him filled with pride.

He was proud of Xander. Of Xander! He had to admit that Giles' confidence in him made him a little nervous. Xander had never done this before. He had never gone out there doing something heroic with everybody watching him, depending on him. It was the best feeling he had ever had in his short life.

Almost three weeks had passed with Xander learning how to fight using a sword. He had learned to appreciate the basics, which he used to think were unnecessary, and realized that without them, he would have never progressed this far. Buffy was very impressed with his hidden talents that only needed a teacher's helping hand to make them improve.

Xander returned Giles' proud smile with a grateful one. If it hadn't been for that man standing over there, he would have still been a-nobody. An annoying little bug that could be squashed any second. But Giles made him a-somebody. He made him useful. And for some reason he made him feel wanted.

For a while after the whole fluke with Willow, things weren't going nicely with the Xan-man. In order to get her relationship with Oz back on track, Willow had had to avoid Xander for a short time. Buffy wasn't always around for she had to take care of her shaky relationship with Angel, not to mention Faith's betrayal. So for a while, Xander was alone even when no body seemed to notice.

Now he had asked Giles to train him, life was becoming good again. He had been staying with Giles for two weeks now. They both liked to think of it as temporary and keep calling the nights he would stay with Giles 'sleep-overs'. But Xander knew, even when most of his stuff were still at his parents' house, that it was going to be permanent. Well, until he decided to move out.

It hadn't really shocked him that his parents hadn't noticed his absence or tried to contact with him. However, he made sure *Giles* didn't notice that.

This arrangement was taken when Xander made a slip about his father having a whip. Of course, he had lied right afterwards so it wouldn't sound like a big deal and thought that Giles had fallen for it. But when the older man asked him to spend the night at his apartment, Xander knew the he hadn't believed him. It was probably the lame reason Giles told him to make him stay that led Xander to realize that.

Best thing about staying at Giles' was the food. In the morning he would have sausage, or waffles, or pancakes or omelets. Sometimes all of them together. In the evening, he would sometimes get to have dinner in those big fancy restaurants and eat all the kinds of meat he liked.

At night, he always made sure to sleep early on the couch especially when Giles wanted to sit in the living room and read. He would pretend he was sleeping and would kick the blanket off of him then wait for Giles to come over and cover him up again. That because the man would sit next to him and rub small circles on his back. The feeling of that hand on his back always made him feel warmer and, well, for some reason … um … safer.

Xander sometimes felt silly about these feelings he had inside, but he couldn't help them. From the day he had known the man; he had always respected him and looked up to him. He had also grown to care about him a lot. But it was never the way he felt about him now. Right now it was different. It was somewhat scary but for the most part it felt nice. Xander thought he should enjoy it as much as he could because…

His thoughts were interrupted by Willow's sudden hug.


*****


A warm feeling spread over Giles when Xander returned his smile with an obliged look. Teaching the young man how to use a sword was quite tiring at first but later Giles had discovered that for Xander to do better, he had to be complemented. Whenever Giles scolded at him, he would become anxious and make another mistake. But when he was more tolerant with him, Xander would be sure of himself and progress without faults. He recognized the same thing with Buffy and Willow.

Giles had never thought that spending most of his time teaching Xander would make him regain his self-assurance as well. With Wesley around, Giles had lost his rights over Buffy. Even when the young woman paid more attention to him than she did with the younger watcher, she wasn't officially his anymore. Xander, though, was his.

It didn't take Giles a long time to see the truth about Xander's home life. The young man let it slip once or twice before going completely rigid. Giles would always pretend to be ignorant about it so not to make Xander uncomfortable. He would, however, ask Xander to spend the night at his apartment for the sake of Xander's sword-fighting teachings. He made up a lie about observing Xander's movements and how it was important for his balance. Thankfully, the younger man believed him.

It was quite shocking how he had grown so attached to Xander. He couldn't find an answer to why Xander's cheerful presence used to be a source of annoyance to him in the past. Nor why he rarely used to find Xander's jokes to be funny or how he never appreciated his wit. He had never imagined that one day he would love going back to his flat in order to spend more time with Xander alone.

Giles watched Willow rush towards Xander and hug him. In her sweet mannerism, she babbled about how good her friend looked when he defeated the demon.

She wasn't mistaken, Giles reflected. The young man had looked 'good' fighting there by himself, swinging and thrusting his sword around. It wasn't like watching Buffy fight. It was somehow different with Xander.

How had it never crossed his mind before that Xander was physically suited to fight? He had a fine built. Giles remembered the time when Xander had came out of the bathroom with only his sweatpants on complaining that his shirt had fallen down on the wet floor. Giles had noticed the play of muscles in Xander's chest and arms which were always hidden under the brunet's wide colorful shirts. Giles wondered why such a good looking young man would hide himself. He had gotten his answer when Xander turned around making faded marks had covered his back and the back of his upper arms stand out against his skin.

It was probably the first time Giles had gotten this furious over something that concerned Xander's wellbeing. He had almost broken the glass in his hand. However, he let out all his frustration on poor Xander, who stood bewildered wondering what he had done wrong this time.

Giles watched Buffy pat her friend on the shoulder as she told him that he owed her for not interfering even though her slayer 'spider-sense' was 'kicking full time'. Xander made an inappropriate joke and Giles chuckled. Nevertheless, Buffy didn't find it amusing and punched the young man's arm hard.

The girls began walking away and Xander waited for him. Giles moved forwards until he was shoulder to shoulder with the younger man and they walked towards his flat. The feel of Xander next to him so excitedly talking had reminded Giles of the times when Jenny was alive. He had grown fond of her obsession with computers and the way she kept babbling about the scientific developments even if he didn't agree with, or understand, most of what she said.

With Xander it was a little like that, but the babble seemed to be about anything rather than a specific subject. He smiled looking down at Xander beside him as he described how stupid the demon was when he hadn't ducked his 'not-so-quickly' strike.

Giles wished that after this fight Xander would be tired and sleep early. He would pretend to read a book in the living room to watch the young man while he slept, listen to his soft breathing, cover him up once he dropped his comforter and rub his back occasionally.

****

"Giles?"

Giles turned around to look at Buffy. She was sitting in his office for a while and he suspected that she had something to say. "Yes, Buffy?"

She looked a little hesitant before she said, "I'm thinking about ditching training today. I want to spend the whole day gift shopping for dad, if it's okay with you."

Giles wasn't even going to ask her why. He knew he wasn't supposed to feel this way, but with her away, it would only be him and Xander in the library. Of course, training Buffy should come first, but the desire to be left alone with Xander overcame his rational thinking.

"It's alright, Buffy. You can leave," he said with a smile.

She beamed. "Thanks, Giles. I swear I'll make up for it tomorrow."

Giles nodded and watched her leave. He returned his attention back to his book, hoping to find more information on the Mayor's ascension.

"Giles!" He heard Xander calling his name.

Smiling, he yelled back, "I'm coming, Xander. Grab your sword. It'll be just you and me today." The Englishman put down the book.

"Giles," Xander said softly from behind him. The ex-watcher turned around and found him standing by the door of his small office with a gift in his hands. He looked confused at the neatly warped gift, before giving Xander a raised eyebrow.

Xander looked at him with affection. "I just wanna say, and I'm not good with words but… " He gave an uncomfortable chuckle. "This is gonna be hard."

"Xander?"

"Look, all my life I had few people who really cared about me. Most were my age. My parents … well, you know. I never had an adult who really cared whether I were dead or alive. You … you're the only adult who gave me his full attention, who listened to me and took me seriously. Around you I feel … well, wanted. What I'm trying to say is you're a million times good to me than my dad ever was. So …"

Giles felt his chest tighten throughout the speech. He anticipated what Xander was about to say, but still had some hope the young man would say something else. "Wha .. who …"

"For father's day I thought …"

Giles could barely breathe as if all the air was sucked out. He felt himself suffocate and was about to lose his balance, but fortunately he was supported by his hand bearing heavily on his desk.

Xander smiled bashfully, extending the gift to Giles. "Here."

Giles stared at the gift like it was the most hideous object he had ever laid eyes on in his entire life. It was. For it represented something he was not. Something he didn't want to be. Would never be. It wasn't only the gift that shook him so hard. Xander's hopeful and happy smile as he looked up at him had throttled him more. Those hazel eyes full of adoration, that Giles was wishing for but for different reasons, were killing him the most.

He wanted to run out of here. He couldn't stand looking at Xander that way. The only thing he could do was turn around so he wouldn't look at the admiring eyes, and so he willingly did.

"I can't," he whispered.

"Huh?" Xander's confused voice hit him like bells.

"I don't think of you that way, Xander. I can never accept it." His heart clenched. The most frightening thing in the world right now would be looking at Xander's expression.

"Oh," disappointment and hurt covered that 'Oh' and Giles wanted nothing but to run away. Right now the Englishman was sure that Xander would pretend everything was normal and would try to make him take the gift.

"But it doesn't …"

And he was right.

"I have no interest in becoming a father to you! So you may as well leave now," Giles said with assertion.

A deadly silence shadowed the place for seconds before Xander's voice rose, "Oh, don't flatter yourself, alright? I wasn't asking you *that* again, I just wanted you to take it regardless to what it means." Giles realized that he had crushed the young man's pride and wasn't surprised Xander would retort vulgarly. It had always fascinated him how such an insecure lad would have such great sense of pride inside.

"I'm sorry if what I asked was so horrible it got this reaction from you. Don't worry, I'll get out of your sight," the quiver in the last spoken sentence broke Giles more than anything. It reminded him of the times when he used to yell at Xander for every little mistake he did. The times before he had gotten to know this young man.

He heard the angry footsteps walk outside of the library and bit his lower lip when the sound of swinging doors reached his ear.

It was clear that Xander was feeling unwanted and rejected again. God knew that was the last thing Giles wanted him to feel. He knew from now on, their relationship would take another unpleasant turn. Xander's crushed pride would not allow him to ask for the ex-watcher's help again. He would probably not talk to him or have eye contact for a while to come.

Giles gave a bitter chuckle. Both of them were pathetic, looking for different needs in each other. However, he could hardly blame Xander. The young man had found the attention he looked for in the man who presented the authority figure role in their small group.

As for him, well, what could he say? Really, Rupert, lusting after a child?

He wished for many things right now, including turning back time so he could mend whatever led to this. Nonetheless, his strongest wish was that Xander would never have asked for training, because that way he wouldn't even be thinking of Xander Harris as anything but the annoying brat.

He wished for many but for Xander to think of him as a father. That alone made it impossible for Giles to reach his expectations.

The End.