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BtVS AU/AR › Het - Male/Female › Buffy/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
9
Views:
8,696
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
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Category:
BtVS AU/AR › Het - Male/Female › Buffy/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
9
Views:
8,696
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Chapter 3
Summary: Buffy comes to her senses after a year in Rome
Rating: NC-17 (mostly for explicit sexual descriptions, and some language)
Pairings: Buffy/Xander. Or should I say Xander/Buffy, since it’s really about Xan? There might be some Dawn/Spike implied, not sure how long this one will go.
Feedback: Yes, please. I just started posting my fic, so try to be gentle, please.
Betas: I could use one!
Archive? Ask me first.
Disclaimer: I don’t own them…I’m just borrowing them, since Joss isn’t using them anymore. If I were making money from this, I would have a much better laptop!
Chapter 3
“Huh?” Xander sheepishly wiped a few tears from his eye, hoping she wouldn’t notice. “I guess my Buff-o-meter is on the fritz, ‘cuz I have no idea what-”
With a knowing smile, Buffy silenced him by gently placing her hand over his mouth. “I know you don’t. I thought…I thought I could do this. I didn’t think it would be so hard.” She babbled nervously. Unable to speak, and unwilling to remove her small hand from his lips, Xander just raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to one side, his concern obvious in his dark brown eye. Taking a deep breath, Buffy continued quietly. “It just really hit me how much I’m going to hate leaving you.” She moaned. “I-I don’t think I can…leave you. I-I guess I’ve been trying to convince myself it’ll all be all right, but I can’t…” She began crying again, her hand dropping limply to her lap.
Xander stared at her, amazement and confusion fighting for top place in his whirling emotions. He felt a teeny, tiny, momentary spark of hope, as well. A hope he tried to stomp to death before Buffy could do it for him, as she had in the past. “Um, Buff? What are you talking about?” He asked uncomfortably, moving to pull away from her.
Buffy quickly grabbed his arm and stopped his retreat. “Xan, just, um, give me a chance. Let me explain…if I can?” She asked softly. When he nodded and relaxed slightly into the cushions behind him, she asked, “Did I ever tell you about my old boyfriend in LA?”
Xander’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he scoffed. “Uh, yeah…I’ve met Angel…hung out with him for years and all, remember? I think ‘old’ is a bit of an understatement.” He smirked, sarcastically.
“No, not Angel,” Buffy swatted him playfully on the arm, and then grew more serious. “I had a boyfriend…my first boyfriend…when I lived in LA before…”
“Before you became a Slayer?” He asked, curious despite himself, and wondering where the hell she was going with this little trip down memory lane.
“Um, just about the same time, actually. I met him like the day before. He helped me when I had to fight Lothos…that’s the vamp who killed M-Merrick,” She sighed sadly. “He was my-”
“He was your Watcher,” Xander nodded acknowledgingly, and gestured for her to continue.
“Right,” Buffy smiled gratefully at him, surprised that he’d paid that much attention when she’d told him about her life before Sunnydale, back when he first found out she was the Slayer. “Anyway, Pike-” She stopped abruptly and raised a finger at him. “Not. A. Word. That was his name, I can’t help it if his parents hated him.” Xander snorted, and she shook her finger at him. “Not a word! His name isn’t important. What is important is that he was just a normal, human guy. Kind of a loner. None of the popular crowd wanted anything to do with him. Actually, no one really wanted anything to do with him. And…well…he’d dropped out actually.” She waved her hand in front of her face frustratedly. “Again, not important. Anyway, he helped me out the night I burned down the gym at my old school. A nest of vampires had trapped a bunch of students in there during a dance. He helped get the kids out, while I fought the vamps. He helped me save all those people who were so horrible to him. And he did it all for me. Because he…he loved me, and he wanted to watch my back; even though he knew the-the risks. His best friend was one of the vamps, you know? He was turned right after Pike and I met, and Pike had to kill him that night.” She sighed sadly, and squeezed Xander’s hand when he let out a pained grunt at her words, the image of Jesse’s stunned expression as he turned to dust flashing through his mind. “Yeah. It was bad. It was really bad.” She took a deep, settling breath and continued. “I loved him, too. So much. Angel might have been my ‘first,’ but Pike was my first true love. I’m sure he would have been…the other first too, if we’d just had more time together…” She trailed off, staring into empty space, as if seeing again the events that had changed her life so much.
“He died,” Xander realized suddenly.
Buffy nodded. “A-after we torched the gym…because there were too many of them in there to stake them all. I was so stupid. I thought it was over. I mean, Merrick was gone, and no one had really explained to me how…how big this Slayer thing really is. When we rode away that night, I thought it was our big happy ending. Driving off into the sunset…well, sunrise, actually. But we hadn’t killed all of Lothos minions. They saw what happened at the school, and ambushed us when we rode his motorcycle away from the school. They threw nails on the road, and he didn’t see them. The tires blew out, and the bike flipped. I was okay, and I was so pissed that they ruined my big exit that I managed to kill them all…no problem. But P-Pike hit a tree when we crashed. Headfirst…” She dropped her face to her hands and took several deep breaths, while Xander stared at her in horror.
“Buffy, God…I had no idea,” He began, reaching for her.
“He was 16 years old, and he died because he was helping me. I loved him so much, and I couldn’t protect him,” She sniffled. Taking a deep breath, she lifted her chin and looked him in the eye. “I think a part of me died with him. That’s when I went so ‘crazy’ that my parents decided to send me to the clinic, you know? I guess the only way I could keep going was to not open myself up to that kind of situation again.”
“Uh, Buffy?” Xander frowned in confusion. “You’ve always let people help you. You’ve always let your boyfriends help you…”
Buffy smiled and placed her hand over his mouth once again. “I know. But I couldn’t let myself really fall in love with a normal guy who was willing to die for me again. I couldn’t stop you from helping me, but I could protect myself from…I thought I could keep myself from feeling that way about…”
Xander pulled back, pushing her hand off his mouth. “What?” He snorted. “What about Riley? Didn’t you love him?”
“Well, he was hardly a normal guy. And I never loved him like that. I mean, I wanted to, of course, but I don’t think anyone was really fooled. Well, except maybe myself, for a while,” She shrugged sheepishly. “And before you start in on Angel and Spike…ugh. I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, with Angel, I think I really just wanted a ‘hero’ who was as strong as me, someone I didn’t have to worry about.”
“Well, that really worked out well for you,” Xander said quietly, but his voice was more gentle than before.
“Yeah,” Buffy conceded, rolling her eyes. “Don’t get me wrong. I loved him, but sometimes I think I loved the idea of him…the potential of what he could be…more than Angel himself.”
“I can see why he’d be appealing,” Xander nodded, and then quickly added, “After what you’d been through, I mean.”
Buffy smirked at him, “And the whole Spike thing…I loved him, too, in his own way. Maybe more than Angel, because I got to know the real Spike first. But I realize now that I loved him more in the way that you should love a best friend. I shouldn’t have used him like I did. I only loved him as a friend.” She repeated sadly.
“Like you do me,” Xander nodded again. “I’m sure he didn’t mind.” He said, patting her on the arm. Plastering a playful grin on his face, he flipped his eyebrows and added, “In fact, speaking for all of your best friends, I’m sure none of us would mind if you wanted to-”
Buffy grabbed his hand, “Don’t say that! I could never do that! Not with you! You’re…I…” Jumping to her feet she sobbed. “I’m not saying this right. You’re not getting it! Why can’t you just see-” Glancing up at him, she cringed visibly and then ran out of the room, in tears.
------------
Author's note: I had to take liberties with the plot of the Buffy movie to find some kind of reason why Buffy hasn't given Xander a chance before now.
Rating: NC-17 (mostly for explicit sexual descriptions, and some language)
Pairings: Buffy/Xander. Or should I say Xander/Buffy, since it’s really about Xan? There might be some Dawn/Spike implied, not sure how long this one will go.
Feedback: Yes, please. I just started posting my fic, so try to be gentle, please.
Betas: I could use one!
Archive? Ask me first.
Disclaimer: I don’t own them…I’m just borrowing them, since Joss isn’t using them anymore. If I were making money from this, I would have a much better laptop!
Chapter 3
“Huh?” Xander sheepishly wiped a few tears from his eye, hoping she wouldn’t notice. “I guess my Buff-o-meter is on the fritz, ‘cuz I have no idea what-”
With a knowing smile, Buffy silenced him by gently placing her hand over his mouth. “I know you don’t. I thought…I thought I could do this. I didn’t think it would be so hard.” She babbled nervously. Unable to speak, and unwilling to remove her small hand from his lips, Xander just raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to one side, his concern obvious in his dark brown eye. Taking a deep breath, Buffy continued quietly. “It just really hit me how much I’m going to hate leaving you.” She moaned. “I-I don’t think I can…leave you. I-I guess I’ve been trying to convince myself it’ll all be all right, but I can’t…” She began crying again, her hand dropping limply to her lap.
Xander stared at her, amazement and confusion fighting for top place in his whirling emotions. He felt a teeny, tiny, momentary spark of hope, as well. A hope he tried to stomp to death before Buffy could do it for him, as she had in the past. “Um, Buff? What are you talking about?” He asked uncomfortably, moving to pull away from her.
Buffy quickly grabbed his arm and stopped his retreat. “Xan, just, um, give me a chance. Let me explain…if I can?” She asked softly. When he nodded and relaxed slightly into the cushions behind him, she asked, “Did I ever tell you about my old boyfriend in LA?”
Xander’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he scoffed. “Uh, yeah…I’ve met Angel…hung out with him for years and all, remember? I think ‘old’ is a bit of an understatement.” He smirked, sarcastically.
“No, not Angel,” Buffy swatted him playfully on the arm, and then grew more serious. “I had a boyfriend…my first boyfriend…when I lived in LA before…”
“Before you became a Slayer?” He asked, curious despite himself, and wondering where the hell she was going with this little trip down memory lane.
“Um, just about the same time, actually. I met him like the day before. He helped me when I had to fight Lothos…that’s the vamp who killed M-Merrick,” She sighed sadly. “He was my-”
“He was your Watcher,” Xander nodded acknowledgingly, and gestured for her to continue.
“Right,” Buffy smiled gratefully at him, surprised that he’d paid that much attention when she’d told him about her life before Sunnydale, back when he first found out she was the Slayer. “Anyway, Pike-” She stopped abruptly and raised a finger at him. “Not. A. Word. That was his name, I can’t help it if his parents hated him.” Xander snorted, and she shook her finger at him. “Not a word! His name isn’t important. What is important is that he was just a normal, human guy. Kind of a loner. None of the popular crowd wanted anything to do with him. Actually, no one really wanted anything to do with him. And…well…he’d dropped out actually.” She waved her hand in front of her face frustratedly. “Again, not important. Anyway, he helped me out the night I burned down the gym at my old school. A nest of vampires had trapped a bunch of students in there during a dance. He helped get the kids out, while I fought the vamps. He helped me save all those people who were so horrible to him. And he did it all for me. Because he…he loved me, and he wanted to watch my back; even though he knew the-the risks. His best friend was one of the vamps, you know? He was turned right after Pike and I met, and Pike had to kill him that night.” She sighed sadly, and squeezed Xander’s hand when he let out a pained grunt at her words, the image of Jesse’s stunned expression as he turned to dust flashing through his mind. “Yeah. It was bad. It was really bad.” She took a deep, settling breath and continued. “I loved him, too. So much. Angel might have been my ‘first,’ but Pike was my first true love. I’m sure he would have been…the other first too, if we’d just had more time together…” She trailed off, staring into empty space, as if seeing again the events that had changed her life so much.
“He died,” Xander realized suddenly.
Buffy nodded. “A-after we torched the gym…because there were too many of them in there to stake them all. I was so stupid. I thought it was over. I mean, Merrick was gone, and no one had really explained to me how…how big this Slayer thing really is. When we rode away that night, I thought it was our big happy ending. Driving off into the sunset…well, sunrise, actually. But we hadn’t killed all of Lothos minions. They saw what happened at the school, and ambushed us when we rode his motorcycle away from the school. They threw nails on the road, and he didn’t see them. The tires blew out, and the bike flipped. I was okay, and I was so pissed that they ruined my big exit that I managed to kill them all…no problem. But P-Pike hit a tree when we crashed. Headfirst…” She dropped her face to her hands and took several deep breaths, while Xander stared at her in horror.
“Buffy, God…I had no idea,” He began, reaching for her.
“He was 16 years old, and he died because he was helping me. I loved him so much, and I couldn’t protect him,” She sniffled. Taking a deep breath, she lifted her chin and looked him in the eye. “I think a part of me died with him. That’s when I went so ‘crazy’ that my parents decided to send me to the clinic, you know? I guess the only way I could keep going was to not open myself up to that kind of situation again.”
“Uh, Buffy?” Xander frowned in confusion. “You’ve always let people help you. You’ve always let your boyfriends help you…”
Buffy smiled and placed her hand over his mouth once again. “I know. But I couldn’t let myself really fall in love with a normal guy who was willing to die for me again. I couldn’t stop you from helping me, but I could protect myself from…I thought I could keep myself from feeling that way about…”
Xander pulled back, pushing her hand off his mouth. “What?” He snorted. “What about Riley? Didn’t you love him?”
“Well, he was hardly a normal guy. And I never loved him like that. I mean, I wanted to, of course, but I don’t think anyone was really fooled. Well, except maybe myself, for a while,” She shrugged sheepishly. “And before you start in on Angel and Spike…ugh. I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, with Angel, I think I really just wanted a ‘hero’ who was as strong as me, someone I didn’t have to worry about.”
“Well, that really worked out well for you,” Xander said quietly, but his voice was more gentle than before.
“Yeah,” Buffy conceded, rolling her eyes. “Don’t get me wrong. I loved him, but sometimes I think I loved the idea of him…the potential of what he could be…more than Angel himself.”
“I can see why he’d be appealing,” Xander nodded, and then quickly added, “After what you’d been through, I mean.”
Buffy smirked at him, “And the whole Spike thing…I loved him, too, in his own way. Maybe more than Angel, because I got to know the real Spike first. But I realize now that I loved him more in the way that you should love a best friend. I shouldn’t have used him like I did. I only loved him as a friend.” She repeated sadly.
“Like you do me,” Xander nodded again. “I’m sure he didn’t mind.” He said, patting her on the arm. Plastering a playful grin on his face, he flipped his eyebrows and added, “In fact, speaking for all of your best friends, I’m sure none of us would mind if you wanted to-”
Buffy grabbed his hand, “Don’t say that! I could never do that! Not with you! You’re…I…” Jumping to her feet she sobbed. “I’m not saying this right. You’re not getting it! Why can’t you just see-” Glancing up at him, she cringed visibly and then ran out of the room, in tears.
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Author's note: I had to take liberties with the plot of the Buffy movie to find some kind of reason why Buffy hasn't given Xander a chance before now.