Amnesty Is Granted

Shadows and Light

Xander looked at his friend and sighed. Six months ago if anyone would have asked if he would even care about Angel brooding too much, he would have laughed his ass off. Now though...

The Mayor’s words the night before hadn’t started Angel’s broodfest, but they had deepened it. Things were not right in Angelville and surprisingly enough Xander actually cared.

Angel was the only one to know how shattered Xander had been by Faith’s treatment of him, knew that it wasn’t just Faith it was his parents and being the “Zeppo” and everything else in his life. The vampire didn’t push him but was there when Xander needed to talk and it was time he returned that favor.

“You do know that the Mayor is evil right? Working on killing everyone he sees? You don’t have to listen to anything he said last night. Besides, he wanted those bug things and he thinks Faith is the best thing since sliced bread. Obvious signs of him being a whacko.” Xander tried to act casual and threw himself down on the floor in front of Angel. His friend was sitting in the most uncomfortable chair in the mansion.

“Doesn’t mean he wasn’t right Xander, that’s the problem.” Angel barely looked over at him, he was busy studying the floor. Xander scooted over till he was almost touching Angel’s leg.

”Yeah, I know. That’s one of the perks of being evil, you can lie to mess with people’s head or you can tell them the truth and still mess with their head. But if Giles and Wesley translated that stuff Wills brought back correctly he had to eat those bug demon thingies and that’s a major drawback. Because...ewwww! And this is coming from someone that can eat almost anything if it’s sitting still, even the mystery meat in the cafeteria.” He looked over at the area of floor Angel was so intently studying. “Time to spic and span again? Cause you know, I don’t think you can really get a high gloss on these floors.”

Angel actually snorted and leaned back and Xander tried to hide a smile. At least he wasn’t looking down anymore, that was a beginning.

“You’re saying blood is better than, as you called them, bug demon thingies?”

“Hell yes!! And least your blood doesn’t move, or, well if it does it doesn’t have six legs and a carapace. Although sometimes girls wear enough make up and fancy clothes that it might make them crunchy, but you’d know more about that than I would.”


“That’s exactly what I’m talking about.”

Xander craned his neck up to look at his friend but Angel was being inscrutable, as always. “Huh? Girls are crunchy? Wow. I thought I was just joking.”

“Not that. The whole vampire thing. Xander, more than anyone else, you know I am a vampire.”

“Well, duh. The lack of a reflection and the allergy to the sun are two good clues, plus the whole drinking of blood thing.”

Amazingly enough Angel scooted out of the chair and sat to where Xander could see him straight on. There was pain in his eyes. Something old and sad that made Xander’s chest hurt in empathy.

“Buffy...forgets. Or doesn’t allow herself to think about me being a vampire. She’ll throw the curtains wide open during the day complaining that it’s too sunny, or complain about the lack of mirrors here. She leaves out of here as quickly as possible if I mention I’m eating or that I’m using the microwave. It’s not just about her deserving someone who can take her to the beach during the day, or walk her down the aisle. It’s about¼me deserving someone that accepts what I am as much as I’ve accepted that she is the slayer. And she hasn’t, not really.”

Xander didn’t know what to say. For one thing, it was unusual for Angel to pour his feelings out like that. He’d been aiming for a lightening up on the brooding not an actual soul sharing conversation.

On the other hand, he had seen Buffy’s disregard of Angel’s nature. She’d come over one day after he had first moved in and Angel was still asleep. She had, systematically opened every shade in the public areas of the mansion, saying it was just too gloomy and both he and Angel needed to cheer up. She had finally gone after Xander promised to let Angel know she’s been there and it had taken him ten minuets to sun proof the house.

He sighed and shifted around. “I think...well Buffy just wants to be normal and part of that is having a normal boyfriend. It’s almost like she has this image of you in her head and nothing can counteract that image. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

Angel laughed. “Even when you hated me you always got that I was a vampire, that’s true. Maybe if she had listened to you the whole Angelus thing would have never happened.”

Xander shook his head. “No, it would have happened, if not with Buffy with someone else. No one, not even you, can stay depressed forever. It would be Buffy or someone else. Or you could actually have turned on the Comedy Network and had a good giggle at someone. The clause is happiness, not sex. You can be happy without the sex, believe me I know.”

“If you think I can loose my soul that easily why are you even here then?” Angel looked at him curiously and Xander smirked.

“Because even if we are friends now I still have the ability to piss you off, keeping the world safe from maniac killers in leather pants and velvet tops. I’m doing my civic duty.”

“I didn’t realize you leaving the cap open on your toothpaste was your deed of heroism, I’m so glad to learn otherwise.”

Xander just grinned unrepentantly. At least Angel didn’t look like he was going to break down anymore, and actually sounded like he found Xander amusing. “You’re welcome Deadboy.”

“I take it you calling me by that ridiculous name is part of your campaign to keep me just on the edge of unhappiness?”

“Nope, me calling you Deadboy is for my own amusement. You get the funniest expression on your face, its fun to see.”

Angel stood up and then reached a hand down to Xander, which he gratefully took. Those damn floors were hard. “So glad I could amuse you Harris.” He lost the look of amusement and anger that he’d had and Xander knew he was thinking about Buffy again.

“So. What have you decided to do?”

“She belongs to the sunshine and I don’t, it’s as simple as that. We can’t go on like this anymore. If she’s ever going to find her happiness it isn’t going to be with me. It’s not fair to her.” Angel moved to where he could pull open the drapes in one corner of the room, letting just a sliver of light in.

“She’s not going to understand that Angel, it’s going to be hard. She’s not like us, she doesn’t understand the shadows.”

“I know.” Angel closed the drape and looked at him intently. “Xander you keep forgetting that you’re from the sunlight as well. You belong in that world as much as she does, not in the dark with me. ”

Xander just shrugged. “Maybe I did but not anymore. Now, I’m in between somewhere, in the shadows. I have more in common with you anymore than I do with Buffy. My fault, not hers. She just...they wouldn’t get it. Giles maybe, with his whole Ripper as a secret identity thing. But that’s okay, that means I can understand you better now, and still understand where Buffy is coming from. Maybe in the shadows isn’t so bad.”

“It will get lonely at times.”

Xander just smiled at Angel. “That’s why I’ve got a brooding bastard for a friend, remember?”