Sins Series

Title: Anger
Author: Tisienne
Sequel to: Pride
Rating: R-ish for language
Disclaimer: Still not Joss, damn it.
Summary: Spike gets his first real clue as to what’s wrong with Xan.
P.O.V.: Spike’s.
* * * * * * * * *

Don’t know what the bloody fucking hell’s wrong with him, do I? But I know there’s something. Hell, I’m starting to think he was trying to die when I found him.

And he’s trying to play me. I can tell. He’s doing his best to act at least a bit like the boy he once was and it took me a good month to realize he was pretending. Guess all that time with Broody’s really affected my mind, yeah?

But I know now. Know he’s hiding something. Know that whatever it is, he’s tied up in knots over it. On the inside, where he thinks I can’t see.

And I’m guessing that technically I can’t see there, but again with bloody Angel… I remember the way the great prat acted when he came back to us in China. All fine on the surface but still slightly off, while underneath he was twisting in his own personal wind.

Yeah. Harris is giving off that same bloody vibe, but… seems more like he’s trying to protect me rather than himself and that’s a bloody world of difference from what Broody the Wonder Git did, isn’t it?

Not clear on what he thinks he needs to protect me from, though. Not like he wouldn’t already be dead from anything that could hurt me, after all.

And where does the bloody fucking white hat get off trying to protect me, anyway? I’m the Big Bad, aren’t I? Can protect myself.

On the other hand… doesn’t it mean he cares? At least a little?

Bloody fucking hell. He can’t, can he? If he cared even in the slightest, would he make such a point of never touching me, never letting me get near him except when we’re sleeping?

Fuck. I get it. He cares. But he doesn’t want me.

Shouldn’t be surprised, should I? Knew he was straighter than a bloody arrow. Doesn’t mean my cock knows it, though, because… well, enough said, yeah?

Frustration aside, can’t just leave the bloke. Not when I’m so sure he’s playing me.

Don’t want all my hard work at getting him back to some semblance of health going to waste and I have a feeling he’s just waiting for me to be gone so he can finish the job.

Shit. I’m going to have to find out what’s happened to him and the only way I can think of to do that is by talking to his little friends.

The friends he hasn’t mentioned by name even once since he woke up almost six weeks ago, and it took me ‘til now to realize that little fact.

Bloody hell.

* * * * *

Don’t believe it. Won’t believe it!

He couldn’t have, wouldn’t have… not bloody Xander!

The bloke’s too much of a sodding hero to ever do that, and I know it, even if his so-called friends are too bloody daft to see it!

Fucking shit, even bleeding Red seems to think he…

And I need to calm down or at least keep the demon inside. Don’t want the bloke wondering what’s got me so sodding furious, do I?

Don’t rightly need to breathe but I take a few deep ones anyway, letting the taste of ice and coming snow in the air freeze me a little. Yeah. That’s better.

“ ‘s nothin’, mate,” I tell him, catching the odd look he’s flashing my way, “Just some shit in my e-mail before, yah?” True enough, that.

He shrugs and looks away but I see the bit of pink in his cheeks that’s not from the cold and… maybe he’s not quite as unaffected by me as I thought.

The idea warms me a bit in the bitter winter wind and I’m not going to look too closely at it. Just going to let myself think it’s so for a while… you know, until the next time he pulls away from even the most innocent touch.

Oh, who the bleeding hell am I kidding? Nothing innocent in me wanting to touch him. Counting myself lucky that I always wake up before him so I can slip away to take care of the bloody clue to my interests.

Yeah, he’s still oblivious and that’s good, I’m thinking. Won’t take the chance of scaring him off before I find out exactly what happened. It can’t have gone down the way Red and the Bottom-boy said.

If Harris actually did what they say he did, then… the bloke must have had a bloody good reason. You’d think his bleeding friends would have realized that as well, but I always knew they were useless bints… even the Watcher, danglies aside.

So. Kill the bloody demon we’re after tonight, then get Harris back to the room. Wait ‘til he’s sleeping and head out. Need to do me a bit of research, don’t I? And… need to do it somewhere he won’t be able to look over my shoulder.

Somehow doubt he’d be all happy about me prying into the things he doesn’t want to say.

* * * * *

Bloody stunning when he fights. Stunning and sexy and… oh, the boy’s learned some new moves! Ones I haven’t seen yet, I mean.

He’s definitely changed. Never saw him so fluid and graceful back in Sunnyhell. Seems to have solved his little depth perception problem, as well. Hasn’t missed a punch or a kick yet and I might as well not even be here. Bloke’s got this demon covered. And even though I’ve seen him fight many a time since I found him, each instance is like seeing it anew.

Yeah. Stunning. That’s what he is when he’s…

It’s the furious and heartbroken shout he lets out that has me suddenly blinking.

“Fucking heartless bitch!” he screams, beating the Chathric about the head with the axe he’s somehow gotten away from it, “You and that fucker! How could you! How could you?! WHY!”

I should be stopping him. Should be trying to talk him down. But he’s cracking. He’s breaking. Letting something deep and hard and frightening and painful out and… maybe this is what he’s been hiding. Maybe this is why he’s been so… off.

So I don’t stop him. I just let him burn.

I lean against the wall and light a smoke, taking in a deep lungful of that hot, curling poison and holding it for a moment, my eyes drifting from my bloke to the small, rapidly cooling body of the child the demon was eating when we found it.

Poor little chit. Must’ve been right cute for a human before half her face went missing down the Chathric’s throat. One little blonde pigtail is spread over the cement, the curled ends matted with blood. Going to have to arrange to have her found, and soon. Wouldn’t do for the wee thing to rot away here and never be given a decent burial.

Yeah, the soul in me likes that. Give her family some closure. And bloody hell, I’m an enormous ponce.

* * * * *

The sudden, gut-wrenching sobs pull my eyes back to Harris as he drops to his knees beside the demon’s body, the axe clattering on the pavement as he huddles into himself, still screaming as best he can although his voice has more or less given out.

“Die, you b-bitch,” he nearly whimpers, his eye closing tightly as bloody hands rise to cover his face. “D-die… you a-and your fucking asshole Wav… your Watcher!… Kids, Shayna… j-just k-kids… and h-how c-could you… w-why!”

Oh… bloody fucking hell, they were right. His fucking friends were right. He did do what they said, and… and now I know it. But more importantly, I also know why he did it… and why he’s smashed this demon’s head into a smear of neon sludge and small chunks of tissue.

I miss pushing myself away from the wall but I must have done, because I’m suddenly beside him on the cement, pulling him close, wrapping my arms around him and holding him tight while he sobs on and struggles and fights to get away.

I’m not going to let him, though. Not going to open my arms and let him run, let him pull back inside, let him hide away all of this.

Bloody fucking hell. I’m not letting him kill himself. He was almost there when I found him. Another week and it would have been too late. Hell, maybe just another couple days.

He’s broken inside. Not just by what he’s done but by the way his bloody fucking friends reacted.

We were never friends, me and Harris. But at the end there, we weren’t enemies either, and now…

Bloody hell, now it looks like I’m all he’s got. The only one who believes in him.

Not giving up on him. Won’t.

“Hush… hush, luv,” I murmur, rocking the boy slowly and still not letting him go, not even when he struggles harder to get free. “ ‘s goin’ ta be alright, pet… promise ya, Xan…”

“You don’t know,” he moans, his hands pushing at me now as that one eye opens, red and swollen around the edges, “You d-don’t… I’m a m-monster, Spike… I k-killed… and I… fuck, I…”

And he’s sobbing again, harder now, but that’s fine. Think he’s been holding this in for too bloody long. Do him good to let it out, won’t it?

I want to scream, tell him I do know, tell him he’s not truly one of the things that go grrrr in the night, but…

I’m not fully sure of what I think I know, so I don’t tell him he’s wrong. I just hold him harder, tighter, rocking him more as the shattering winter seeps into my knees.

“Sometimes… takes a monster ta kill a monster, luv,” I finally tell him, and there’s no bloody way I’m leaving him alone in our room tonight, not even to surf the net and find out what really happened. The minute he gets the chance he’s going to pull a runner on me. I can tell.

So I hold on, hold tight, try to let him feel how much I… don’t hate him. And when he’s all cried out, all loose and exhausted, I force my frozen knees to unbend, manage to get us both on our feet.

The Chathric’s almost completely dissolved into that neon slime now, and that’s a good bloody thing. Doubt I could haul its body away at the moment. Not without giving my bloke a chance to disappear and I’m for damned sure not going to do that.

“C’mon, luv… lets get ya home, yah? Think ya could use a shower and a good sleep.”

And if my voice has that tone you’d use with a wounded animal, so what? I’m thinking my Xan can use a bit of coddling right about now, and fuck me if he’s not going to get it.

He doesn’t respond. Not with words, anyway. He just nods, staring at the pavement beneath our feet as I loosen one arm, the other still tight around his waist.

Yeah, my boy’s broken inside. But I’m going to put him back together. Make him smile and laugh again because he knows he deserves to. Because he knows that no matter what he’s done, he’s still Xander-bleeding-Harris, white hat and all ‘round good bloke.

I’m going to take him back to Peaches and let the enormous git put the boy to work, make him feel useful and needed. Show him that there’s more to life than being just the ‘donut-boy’ to his pissing Scoobies.

And some day… some day he’ll forget why he ever cared what they thought or what they said. And when that day comes…

I’m going to kill his bloody fucking ‘friends’. With a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

He deserves some closure, too.

~End.


* * * * *
(A/N: Many thanks to gact, mariposa, nulinka & Josie for the reviews. *grins*

to gact: What Xander did, and why... will be revealed eventually. As I am an angst-whore, I tend to draw these things out. LOL Bright side? Only 7 deadly sins, right? *winks*

to mariposa: Yep, I stopped. *grins* But here's more. Hope you like and there are a few more parts to this coming. Hopefully this was soon enough for you. LOL

to nulinka: Um... a good bit worse. *chuckles* But you know me-- always have to make them work for their happy-ish ending. :P

and to Josie: Awww... you rock, chica! Thanks so much for all the recent R&R stuff! LOVE it, as you know. :) More soon. Promise. *winks*)